Fart Lenght

uch

Lads whats a commendable fart lenght in your opinion, I reckon a couple of seconds with a few note changes is pretty good, what's your opinions ?

Fizman

I made one before.

17cm.

Honest.

Fey!

It's not the fart length, it's the toxicity.

If it makes the dog run away, it's acceptable!

SoWatchaWant

Higher the pitch, the better!

GeeNorm

I managed 9 seconds once honest. Now I did stretch it a bit by not giving it the usual (sound maximisation) push. I timed it by retracing my steps as I was walking through the house (gingerly) at the time.

admiralofthefleet

drink a shed load of guinness and have an indian and resist the urge to fart til the following morning. you will let one go that would tear the paint off walls

gleep

Last Night, sitting in bed on laptop, it just wouldnt end, i swear it was at least 15 seconds, topped off with a wee squeak at the end!!:D GF wasn't as impressed with me as i was with myself! This was her face:eek:

Borneo Fnctn

My auntie Nora had wind for 5 minutes.

uch

gleep wrote: »

Last Night, sitting in bed on laptop, it just wouldnt end, i swear it was at least 15 seconds, topped off with a wee squeak at the end!!:D GF wasn't as impressed with me as i was with myself! This was her face:eek:

There's another thing, why don't wimmin find farts as funny as we does ?

Duggy747

uch wrote: »

There's another thing, why don't wimmin find farts as funny as we does ?

Because in a perfect world they don't fart........and in my world if I ruled, if they did fart God help them if it smelled.



Longest fart I ever had was 8 seconds, medium pitch, carrot smell.

When I used to go out every Friday to the local I used to clear the bar with my "rotted Guinness" farts on a Saturday. Without fail, I always cleared the bar and never claimed it, let everyone else point the finger at each other

trout

Duggy747 wrote: »

... Without fail, I always cleared the bar and never claimed it, let everyone else point the finger at each other

Now that's real class

Max Power1

its always toxicity over volume IMO lads. Quieter ones tend to be the most pungent! From personal experience when you sit on leather and fart it tends to exacerbate the smell!

nipps

GeeNorm wrote: »

I managed 9 seconds once honest.

i managed 12 once

mobby

This reminds me of this joke.

Man was in the pub when he suddenly realized he desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. he finished his pint and noticed that everybody was staring at him.

Then suddenly he remembered that he was listening to his iPod with his headset on.

Stones85

Max Power1 wrote: »

its always toxicity over volume IMO lads. Quieter ones tend to be the most pungent! From personal experience when you sit on leather and fart it tends to exacerbate the smell!

I've heard been informed by a friend that fartin in the bath is the worst for smell.

Jay P

Hot farts smell the worst. That is a fact.

DevilsBreath

Ye let one go in the shower. Ended up having to get out, it was burning my nose hairs of. You know its bad when you can't handle your own smells. Ye's im a guinness and Ale man.

Fey!

I was outside a few weeks ago having a conversation with 3 other guys when I let off a quiet fart. All 4 of us had to move from where we were because of the smell, and couldn't go back to where we had originally been standing for about 5 minutes!

Another time, years ago, I was on a particularly boring holiday in Portugal with 2 friends. One evening we decided to have "elevator races" in our 13 floor apartment complex. 2 of us got into one lift, and our other friend got into one opposite. I farted somewhere around the second floor, and at the fourth floor this French guy got into our lift. My friend took this opportunity to escape, so I continued the journey upward with my new companion. At the top floor I fell out of the lift, gasping for breath. My other friend, who had arrived at the top ahead of me, said that he French guys face was nearly purple and he looked as if he was crying. The poor young sod had to travel back down the 13 floors on his own with the stink!

GEM_13

try sittin in the kop for a sunday match between a load of guys who have been out the night before.my god,its a bloody gas mask u need for 90 minutes

Half-cocked

If you let off a ripper in bed is it OK to hold the other halfs head under the blankets?:D

I believe its called a Dutch oven.

Fey!

Half-cocked wrote: »

If you let off a ripper in bed is it OK to hold the other halfs head under the blankets?:D

I believe its called a Dutch oven.

If you trap a girls head under the covers while you let rip, she officially becomes your girlfriend.

So be warned!!!

uch

Fey! wrote: »

If you trap a girls head under the covers while you let rip, she officially becomes your girlfriend.

So be warned!!!

So what happens if you do this to a bloke ?, I say this because me and me brother shared a bed from a young age till we were about 11 or twelve (due to family size) and because he was older than me he would do this at any opportunity, so does that mean I'm my brothers Girlfriend even though I have a tallywhacker ??

trout

uch wrote: »

So what happens if you do this to a bloke ?, I say this because me and me brother shared a bed from a young age till we were about 11 or twelve (due to family size) and because he was older than me he would do this at any opportunity, so does that mean I'm my brothers Girlfriend even though I have a tallywhacker ??

Rules is rules.

getz

the best way to check the lenght of a fart is to light a match next to your ars when farting ,a good one should travel 16 inches,whops sorry do you mean how long can you fart ?

modest_marie

Max Power1 wrote: »

when you sit on leather and fart it tends to exacerbate the smell!

OMG... our couch at home smells like Cabbage LOL
...From the boys of course!

Girls don't fart!

gaz wac

I let one rip one night when i was asleep, and I swear to god it woke me up and I got the fright of my life !! it was like i drank a bottle of coke and all the wind came out my as*s !!! it woke the cat and she ran out the room. i felt so empty inside after it, i was actually feeling hungry !! best fart EVER !!

oh and how is it that when you are strollfarting, it only ecapes when i ( just let one rip!! ) put my right foot down, yet im left footed crazy farts.

Reminds me of a time when I was looking at About The House with Duncan Straw-hair and some woman had built her house on top of a mountain in Wicklow and he said to her " God Mary, you must suffer from alot of wind up here " Classic

GavRedKing

id say my longest was between 5-7 seconds, very amateurish really but anytime ive got close to these times I always think, this is not going to end well.

Max Power1

Stones85 wrote: »

I've heard been informed by a friend that fartin in the bath is the worst for smell.

Wouldnt have thought that myself - sure it makes it more dramatic with the bubbling effect but worst for smell? Not in my experience people who talk about it with me

Victor

Last year, I had an iffy tummy during the week and by Sunday thought some chesse on a sandwich would be OK. What followed was 8-10 hours of running to the bathroom with what eventually ended in watery diarrhea. Much running and more rehydration salts* later, there was filtered water** coming out by 2am. It all ended with The Wind of Winds that lasted a good 15-20 seconds and then everything was OK.


* Lemon OK. Blackcurrent hmmm, well it wasn't the worst expereince of the day.
** Complete with sweetcorn.

BumbleB

the wet ones are the best.

uch

BumbleB wrote: »

the wet ones are the best.

Nah the ones that scratch you hole for you are the best

getitonup

beware of spreadable cheese that **** blows chunks:)

Fulton Crown

The string o pearls is key ...yore gettin a lift home an getinn our ov a crowded car...arp....fuzzzd.....puuuuuuut,,,

Furkin wmbarrisin

FearDark

jackpalance wrote: »

My auntie Nora had wind for 5 minutes.

And a fanny like a split tennis ball :pac:

PFJSplitter

Length? Don't they teach you anything?

Light 'em up!

congo_90

I've been renowned for clearing pubs, warehouses and just about anywhere after a weekend out.

honourable mention to:
One night afrer spicey dominos, curry chips, ham and coleslaw sandwich met a lotta guinness and heineken...

Well. The next day the length of such farts were variable from 4-14seconds of low bass, nostril hunting, room filling wheely bin, long lasting smelling farts!
People tell me it smells like wheely bin smell. Oh if only boards had a smel-o-vision type thing like in futurama!

In fact it seems just Guinness and a few lager will do the trick quite nicely

If i've been eating certain foods and drinking certain beers all week you can be sure i'll have something to make your eyes water!

BumbleB

i've never measured mine ,but I have a real special one off that I call the hiroshima fart .

Skinfull

Thread of the year. Thanks guys.

Fracture

lol what a thread!!

I've done ones that lasted around 10 seconds, usually starting off louder and getting a bit quieter as they progress with strange kind of noise at the end were you can hear it still coming out but its quieter.

Anyway, one of the smelliest ones i've ever did was after work in the bar one night i had quite a few guinness, got home, into bed with the woman (she would sleep through a gun fight) and let one off, it was the silent version, had a sniff under the blanket and it made me nearly chugg. Knowing it was gonna be bad i watched her face until it hit her face, she got really uncomfortable in her sleep and woke up. Proudest fart ever.

BumbleB

Farts are great !:) whether youre 6 or 60 you still find them hilarious !

uch

I did a beaut in this morning, the missus was asleep and i let go one that sounded like a combine harvester starting up, she thought it was someone at the door and got up and answered it, now thats ventrilloquism at it's very best

Gillington

My brother was asleep on the kitchen floor one year on holidays in Spain,passed out after a skinful of drink and the obligatory burger and garlic chips.

Now I dont usually get woken easily especially after drink but when his fart rumbled off the marble the 4 of us in the room lept up! I thought someone was raiding the room.Smell was un describable.

uch

It's a pity we can't put up sound recordings, then we could compare

youtheman

There's nothing worse that cutting loose in work (when you are in your own small office) and you pray that no-one is going to drop in until the pong dissipates.

I remember years ago when I was in the army. I let one rip and said to myself "I'm o.k., there is no-body around". Two seconds later the sergeant came in, getting me to sign some form. As he turned and made for the door he raised his head, had a sniff and said "Jaysus, Sir, there's an awful smell of sh1te in here".

DentalPlan!

Check this out if you havnt seen step brothers

onion and ketchup!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AMgagxCvZQ

IronMan

I once had a hot chicken karachi washed down with 7 pints of old speckled hen. Was hanging the next morning, and made a huge berry smoothie, followed by a greasy breakfast roll. A couple of early tremors mid morning lead me to the conclusion that things were going to get really nasty by lunchtime.

I was in an elevator heading to the top floor, when it stopped on the 2nd floor. Who should get on only a senior government minister, two senior civil servants, and a parliamentary press secretary?! By now the pressure on the sheriffs badge was becoming intolerable. I decided to try the slow pressure release ploy, not wanting to let a pants buster go in polite company.

I discreetly took the top off the the gas field. Not a sound. Smiled slightly as I thought the danger was averted. My joy lasted about 1 second, as suddenly my nose was assaulted by the smell of festering swamp water/rotten sillage and washed up anchovies. A stomach turning, nose hair burning, eye watering smell.

A second passed. Suddenly one of the civil servants face begins to grimace. A look of panic spread over his face. "Jesus Christ" he roared before covering his face with his sleeve. The other three soon followed, spluttering, wretching, covering their noses with their shirt sleeves etc. I decided to get in on the act.

I'd say only a few more seconds passed, but it felt like hours. Fetid, rotten cheese. They were getting off on the 6th floor, not the top floor. The doors opened, and they piled out like caged animals being released. Being the sneaky deviant I am, I took my sleeve away from my nose, and said to their backs "Whichever of you dropped that really needs to visit a doctor". The doors closed, and I proceeded to the top floor for lunch.

uch

IronMan wrote: »

I once had a hot chicken karachi washed down with 7 pints of old speckled hen. Was hanging the next morning, and made a huge berry smoothie, followed by a greasy breakfast roll. A couple of early tremors mid morning lead me to the conclusion that things were going to get really nasty by lunchtime.

I was in an elevator heading to the top floor, when it stopped on the 2nd floor. Who should get on only a senior government minister, two senior civil servants, and a parliamentary press secretary?! By now the pressure on the sheriffs badge was becoming intolerable. I decided to try the slow pressure release ploy, not wanting to let a pants buster go in polite company.

I discreetly took the top off the the gas field. Not a sound. Smiled slightly as I thought the danger was averted. My joy lasted about 1 second, as suddenly my nose was assaulted by the smell of festering swamp water/rotten sillage and washed up anchovies. A stomach turning, nose hair burning, eye watering smell.

A second passed. Suddenly one of the civil servants face begins to grimace. A look of panic spread over his face. "Jesus Christ" he roared before covering his face with his sleeve. The other three soon followed, spluttering, wretching, covering their noses with their shirt sleeves etc. I decided to get in on the act.

I'd say only a few more seconds passed, but it felt like hours. Fetid, rotten cheese. They were getting off on the 6th floor, not the top floor. The doors opened, and they piled out like caged animals being released. Being the sneaky deviant I am, I took my sleeve away from my nose, and said to their backs "Whichever of you dropped that really needs to visit a doctor". The doors closed, and I proceeded to the top floor for lunch.

Now thats just pure class showing through there, Have a Cigar

CamperMan

GeeNorm wrote: »

I managed 9 seconds once honest. Now I did stretch it a bit by not giving it the usual (sound maximisation) push. I timed it by retracing my steps as I was walking through the house (gingerly) at the time.

come on... did you really time it? hope you didn't follow through!!

Victor

IronMan wrote: »

and made a huge berry smoothie

In the kitchen or bathroom?

IronMan

Victor wrote: »

In the kitchen or bathroom?

Kitchen old bean. Bathroom later. I'll spare you the details.

fishypancake

Longer than a breadbox