I need male advice!!

backwards:)

Hi,
I don't want to be invading my oestrogen around this area but i need some serious advice from a man that a woman just can't give me.
I am together with my boyfriend almost six months now. We have a slightly long distance relationship, him being almost a 3 hour drive from me but we see each other every week for two or three days. We are crazy about each other and seem to be on the same level about everything in our relationship except sex. He is almost 23 and on our first night coming home early from a night out to what i thought would be a passionate evening he told me that he was a virgin. He said he just never got close enough to any girl he was with and was always really shy. His friends make jokes about his sex life etc... and have just pressumed he has one which he goes along with and i'm sure they make him feel worse and must feel he is under pressure. I have told him that of course i want to sleep with him but that i would wait forever and we are still intimate and have fun with foreplay(which he is very confident with).
Last month he tried to penetrate me but he was so nervous he just went soft. I reassured him that we will keep trying until it happens for us and sure we will have fun trying!! But every time we get to that stage and he is rock hard the minute i mention us moving on further he is soft again. He says he is in his head too much, nervous nd should have got his first time out of the way and over with years ago. I have tried and tried to tell him that sex is not just something you do it's what you share, otherwise it's just mechanical. Every time we fail to get further i see a little part of him get even more upset about it and he says it's in the back of his mind all day everyday. I have said everything i possibly can to reassure him, to help him relax and now i just don't know what to do and i get upset because he is. I tell him i don't know what to do and he says he doesn't either and now we are stuck and not able to move forward. I have asked him would he talk to a male friend but he says he is too ashamed about it and i am the only one that knows. Can anybody point me in any direction?

anonymous_joe

You've the right attitude. Some people panic a little, every lad has a first time, and it's surprisingly easy. But like, give him time, and let him see that he's pleasing you. Even if he isn't.

backwards:)

Thanks! I know i sound like i'm making a big deal and that time will help and he will eventually get there. But i would say we have tried a good twenty times now. It's the fact there is no progress. He seems to really want it to happen but his body and obviously his natural thoughts won't let him and i need help in advising him. He is tearing himself apart about it at this stage.

doctorjohn

Well done for seeking advice as opposed to adding fuel to the fire of his unconscious fears of performance. Exactly as per previous post , take the pressure off him. His performance anxiety is subconscious.
Give the lad a good BJ and get him to come and feel comfortable with him doing that with you. get him to feel comfortable pleasing you the same way.
Penetration and full intercourse will come (pardon the pun) in time.Patience but take the pressure off re penetration.

tallaght01

diferent things work for different people. But a lot of couples are in this situation. And one tactic use is to put a ban on trying for the next while. That means he's not thinking about it when ur in bed all the time. Tell him ur not going to even try with him for, say, 2 months. Then it will probably happen on it's own. Never plan it. He'll just worry in advance.

If you have a look at this thread you'll see it happens to lots of guys:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055615354

LegacyUser

Thank you for the honest advice,it's really helping my confusion at least. I have got one more question though. You say to take the pressure off ,focus on other acts like oral. This is what we have been concentrating on the last week or two and what i sense, is that he is relieved he doesn't have to worry about it for another while...but won't the same problem arise again,just postponed? I have felt like we continue to get closer and more comfortable with each other every time i see him but maybe he's not feeling close enough to get comfy?

LegacyUser

A ban could work but would that not make him feel relieved that he can stop worrying about it for a while? But that the worry is just postponed? One major problem is that he seems to be so so ashamed of his age in this situation and keeps panicking that he is getting older and it's still not happening for him. god what can i say that will make him see i am crazy about him and that i'm not a spectator to his ''performance'', I'm his girlfriend who is truly falling for him and want to be as near to him as physically possible??!

seems like an agreed ban is the best option......

Teferi

Bring him out to the pub and give him just enough dutch courage?





(Obviously not too much or he won't be able to get it up anyway. :pac:)

Otis Driftwood

Its a common problem OP.As someone else said,maybe have a drink before hand,I mean a glass or 2 of wine,dont get soused.Prehaps watching an erotic movie,I dont mean hardcore porn either,just something to take his mind off things.Maybe try a different position eg you on top so he doesnt have to worry about entering you,you can just control the situation and let him go with the flow so to speak.

And by the way,kudos to you for being so understanding,he obviously means alot to you,he should count him self lucky.

Best of luck.

backwards:)

Maybe try a different position eg you on top so he doesnt have to worry about entering you,you can just control the situation and let him go with the flow so to speak.

[/quote]


I did the me taking control approach, thinking it might relieve some of his 'technical' worries. Same thing as usual happened, he lost his erection the minute i got near him and we spent an hour trying to arouse him again and it just wasn't happening.
If i put this ban on sex for a while. Do i ban everything? Or just what makes him nervous?

tallaght01

backwards:) wrote: »

Maybe try a different position eg you on top so he doesnt have to worry about entering you,you can just control the situation and let him go with the flow so to speak.




I did the me taking control approach, thinking it might relieve some of his 'technical' worries. Same thing as usual happened, he lost his erection the minute i got near him and we spent an hour trying to arouse him again and it just wasn't happening.
If i put this ban on sex for a while. Do i ban everything? Or just what makes him nervous?

I probably shouldn't have said "ban"....more agreed abstinence. Both of you agree not to try for penetration again, and just let it happen.

But talk to him about it. We don't know you. He may not be up for that. It's just an idea, but it will take the pressure off him for a while, and might get him used to just enjoying himself in bed again.

suey71

Maybe He's just worried about getting you pregnant?

Are you on the pill? If not, then go on it. It might put his mind at ease.
Sometimes putting a condom on can be a very self concious experiance when your being watched as its not an easy thing to do when your inexperienced. Plus you'l be worried about it breaking or falling off.

When you say that you do oral and forplay, does he come?

If not, do you come? If he see's that he has made you come then he'll realise that he is doing something right. Plus there is nothing like the site of a girl coming to make you want to complete the job.

He's lucky to have a girl like you.

Maybe he was ridiculed in the past for his inexperiance. some girls can be cruel.

Does he masterbate when he is alone and can he come this way?

disssco

He should visit the doctor and enquire about getting a prescription for Viagra or Cialis. It is unlikely that he suffers from erectile dysfunction but I'm sure the doctor would be willing to help if he explains the situation. Viagra will make it nearly impossible for him to lose the erection and once he gets over that mental barrier of having sex for the first time he won't need it and you two will be shagging day and night

I have no idea how you will bring the subject of ED medication up with him. It can be a hard subject (pardon the pun) to discuss, but from your post it sounds like you have an intimate relationship with your boyfriend so I'm sure you'll find a way.

Otis Driftwood

He is a 22 year old virgin.Viagra or any sort or ED medication is not neccessary.

In fact,thats a wholly ridiculous suggestion.

Any doctor that would prescribe medication in this instance should/would be struck off.

trout

The last thing this chap needs on his plate is any talk of ED / Viagra etc.

No-one here is in a position to recommend such a course of action. If by any chance he does such advice & treatment, he can only get it from his GP following consultation.

I like the agreed abstinence plan ... agree to do nothing; take away all the pressure to perform, kick back, get along with each other, maybe fool around if the humour takes you ... and let nature take it's course.

Joey the lips

there is 2 ways you can handle this so to speak

1. Make him please you orally so to speak

2. You please him orally

Guaranteed if this does not boost his confidence nothing will.

backwards:)

He has no problem staying erect in any other circumstance....just when it comes to him getting near entering me.
Also i do appreciate the advice but i think if i mentioned the word viagra to him he would probably cry!! And i wouldn't blame him. This whole thing is just fear of the unknown...i know that...he knows that...but neither of us know how to get through it. I have since mentioned an agreed ban, he seems o.k with that.

LegacyUser

As someone who has experienced the same problem (as a man) it is frustrating and is all mental, myself I was 27. My mates weren't aware (I'm sure they suspected but we're more of a discretion is the better part of valour type of group) but I felt it myself like I was supposed to have been with x amount of girls.

Once I was with my girlfriend and got to that stage there were many times of me losing it once we got the, for want of a better phrase "about to stick it in", despite being fine beforehand . It was nervousness on my part and the expectation and everything i had built up in my on mind much as i'm sure like your boyfriend. (probably 3 months of regularly trying). I did have times where i false started just before the moment of truth. More than anything it's frustrating and with each and every false dawn the pressure builds in your own mind.

You sound lovely and understanding [as my girlfriend was (and occasionally she let it show which made me feel worse)] so my advice would be to not let on that you're frustrated as i'm sure you are (but in an understanding way i mean).

It's a difficult situation and the best way is to get more and more comfortable together with each others bodies which makes it seem less daunting. For me there was mutual masturbation and me giving oral (she doesn't like it, which you could try if you're comfortable with it). I felt better acquainted with her body this way and the walls gradually became lower and in my mind penetration seemed a smaller and smaller step up. i imagine your boyfriend feels the pressure and expectation and being as understanding and assuring as you can be physically will give him more confidence. As you've said he can get an erection so the whole viagara route is nonsense as it's a solution to a problem, which doesn't exist (impotence), and even mentioning it will more than likely make him feel worse and even more inadequate.

If you're not on the pill it might make it easier if you were comfortable with the idea (if not then i wouldn't go down a road i wasn't prepared to stay on) as putting on a condom can be a tricky experience when inexperienced with the act. If it's condoms then maybe keep touching him and pleasuring him or you putting it on for him (personally i prefer to do it myself) depending on whether you think he'd appreciate it or not. Touching him if he does it himself sould reassure and arouse him so it's not so daunting.

I wish you both the best of luck and i'm sure it'll happen, as i know it is a daunting experience the older you get, don't lose faith. From the smallest acorn grows the mightiest oak.

(Forgive me if it seems like bragging but i do make her come every time, i say this just to reassure you that it can and more than likely become fantastic, once he gets that confidence of success under his belt he'll become what you deserve)

backwards:)

Thank you so much for such honest advise. I have a better understanding of it myself now and can see that i just need to have patience and be as suppportive to him as possible. We have talked about the pill( i can't take it for a while as i am on other medication) and in time i may go down that path after we see whether or not progreesion is made. At the end of the day, though it can be frustrating, this man is never off my mind and if it meant we never got there i would still be with him. Perhaps i need to focus on getting that through to him. I have been reassured by this thread and now my own confidence has improved as i realise it's not me doing something wrong. Getting an outside opinion has really helped. Thanks to everyone

Dr Galen

the tone of this thread has been set by both the OP and the answers she has received.

Unhelpful and pretty much insulting comments like this aren't helpful, necessary or going to be allowed.

PCPhoto

OP ... same as others have said .....

maybe you could try tying him up and blindfolding him ...... and teasing him - if he cant see whats going on he cant concentrate on it ..... then if/when the opportunity "arises" ....


hop on the good foot and do the bad thing :P

backwards:)

Mystik Monkey wrote: »

the tone of this thread has been set by both the OP and the answers she has received.

Unhelpful and pretty much insulting comments like this aren't helpful, necessary or going to be allowed.

What is op and what is being written that isn't permittted?

tallaght01

backwards:) wrote: »

What is op and what is being written that isn't permittted?

Mystik monkey isn't online right now. But OP=original poster=you. He has most likely deleted a post where some fool has said something nasty. He;s not having a pop at you at all. You've been very brave to post here.

I would re-iterate that this problem has nothing to do with you, like you were discussing above. Happens to lots of guys, and it's just because of nerves. It can happen to a bloke when he's in bed with the hottest woman ever. In fact, being in bed with someone you really like and are really keen to impress can make it worse.

So, in a roundabout way, you could almost take it as a compliment

backwards:)

Aaaah i get it now Tallaght01 . A compliment indeed, thank you


PC thank you for your advise also , but i think he would have a seizure at this stage of things if i was to produce a blindfold
!!

grenache

OP i would just say lots of touching and teasing and it will stay hard eventually. Patience is what is required.

Best of luck with it.

trout

Folks ... we've had to delete a small number of unhelpful posts that were in breach of the Charter, and bordering on trolling. Infractions have been issued.

A ban beckons for the next unhelpful, inflammatory, abusive or trollish post

Taltos

Op

something else you can try as foreplay is not a problem is - while keeping your panties on hold him between your thighs and just continue what you were doing. This will slowly break down his mind block as he sees nothing terrible happen here. To prevent the loss place him here while you are just starting so that while nothing is lost something might be gained.
Then over a number of nights where he is gaining more confidence try it without the panties again being patient if things do not work out here.
Finally after sufficient time / nights just allow the inevitable to happen on one of these nights.

The whole thing is to go slowly and not to make a big deal out of it, though the biggest fight here is how he is dealing with this in his own mind.

Mods - I have tried to be as circumspect as possible here but if you need to delete this post - sorry.

backwards:)

That could work! would that be better than holding off completely for a while, or will i stick with my mentioning of that too?

Taltos

Why mention anything - just make a game of it.
If you make him think of it as a problem to be fixed he might just focus on the issue...

backwards:)

Alrighty so,cheers.

Deucemc

You should try doing it in the morning! morning wood is impossible to loose! its worth a go maybe if you havnt tried already!

ninety6days

listen and listen carefully. There's no physical cure for a psychological problem, even though that's a very unmasculine thing to say and thats alright. he'll come around.

Bamster67

I wouldn't do a ban or anything like that. I think a lot of guys have been in a similar position. He probably has too of an expectation of what the first time would be like.

If you tell him that it'll probably just be rubbish and have a laugh with that he'll feel more relaxed and not under so much pressure. The first time is always the worst but it's just a mental thing.

I think you're doing the right thing with him and it will work out.

LegacyUser

I think a ban or similar would be a disastrous response. Talk about increasing the pressure on him when you decide to lift the ban and expect him to perform!

I think the blindfolding suggestion was good advice.

All I will add is that if you get all the prep work out of the way in advance it may give him too little time to panic.

So get you both naked. You take care of the protection so there is no messing with condoms (not that I would ever have sex without a condom, but its your call) and then go to work doing whatever it is that you two do together. Subtly get your position right so that there is need for lots of manoevering when the time comes. Then when he is ready AND you are ready (the last thing he'll need is a battle getting in) slip him in.

Sorry if any of that sounds crude

Good Luck!

backwards:)

Its been a couple more months since i posted the original thread...and guess what?? we are still in th same situation.no joy !

Bottle_of_Smoke

backwards:) wrote: »

Its been a couple more months since i posted the original thread...and guess what?? we are still in th same situation.no joy !

Does he just go soft when he puts a condom on/tries to penetrate you?

Is he still ok getting it up aside from that?

Has anything happened remotely better? Are you still trying regularly?

Is it anyway possible he's just not ready for sex? does he want it to happen?

If he's performing until the main event and then loses it, but genuinely wants to penetrate you, and its been this long with genuine trying I think it wouldbe best to get him to go to a GP, explain the exact situation and see what the doc thinks his "best option" is.

triloko

Id say if you're both a bit drunk (him more than you in this case) it'll just happen naturally... just dont mention you're about to move on, get him to have a condom "just in case" and then start foreplay, by the time he has to perform he'll forget he has a condom so you dont have to stop it then and risk him losing it

Sheepy99

backwards:) wrote: »

Hi,
I don't want to be invading my oestrogen around this area but i need some serious advice from a man that a woman just can't give me.
I am together with my boyfriend almost six months now. We have a slightly long distance relationship, him being almost a 3 hour drive from me but we see each other every week for two or three days. We are crazy about each other and seem to be on the same level about everything in our relationship except sex. He is almost 23 and on our first night coming home early from a night out to what i thought would be a passionate evening he told me that he was a virgin. He said he just never got close enough to any girl he was with and was always really shy. His friends make jokes about his sex life etc... and have just pressumed he has one which he goes along with and i'm sure they make him feel worse and must feel he is under pressure. I have told him that of course i want to sleep with him but that i would wait forever and we are still intimate and have fun with foreplay(which he is very confident with).
Last month he tried to penetrate me but he was so nervous he just went soft. I reassured him that we will keep trying until it happens for us and sure we will have fun trying!! But every time we get to that stage and he is rock hard the minute i mention us moving on further he is soft again. He says he is in his head too much, nervous nd should have got his first time out of the way and over with years ago. I have tried and tried to tell him that sex is not just something you do it's what you share, otherwise it's just mechanical. Every time we fail to get further i see a little part of him get even more upset about it and he says it's in the back of his mind all day everyday. I have said everything i possibly can to reassure him, to help him relax and now i just don't know what to do and i get upset because he is. I tell him i don't know what to do and he says he doesn't either and now we are stuck and not able to move forward. I have asked him would he talk to a male friend but he says he is too ashamed about it and i am the only one that knows. Can anybody point me in any direction?

just get a few drinks into him before yeah go home !

Snowie

Sheepy99 wrote: »

just get a few drinks into him before yeah go home !

:rolleyes:


Op this is something ive been wondering does he masterbate quite a lot ?


the reason i ask this because, i think you need to get him to not have any fun time for about 2 weeks then maybe plan a night in and drive him wild...... then stop ...... leave him for 30 mins to cool of then start at him again work him up..... i mean i dont mean to speak bad but if a man gets the horn, enough..... he will eventually take the bull buy the horns apoligies for the pun...

This may sound mad but maybe hes made a menlte block of it due to many different factors or something.

I dunno if where aloud to recomend like nutral stimulents which oculd work so il wait till on mod reads thi and either clobbers me or leaves a thanks '....

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
This is a tough one, I think when this happens to a guy it can be a long road to get over it. If it keeps happening it's a self fulfilling problem because if its on your mind that you might go soft then you will go soft after all the brain controls all the rest of the body and if the brain isn't right then his cock wont be.

My advice is that he talks to his GP, I know it might seem embarrassing but f*ck it, life is too short and believe me noone really gives a f*ck except for the two of ye. He needs to be 100% sure that it is not a physical problem and the doctor can run some blood tests and head to a urologist to make sure. At 22 and the fact that he can get hard at other times means it defo isn't anything wrong. If oral and everything else is ok then just do that. penetration isn't everything and sure he can get you off with his toungue and hands and eventually it'll happen may be a bit down the line. if you are crazy about eachother than persist otherwise it may be a problem he may need to sort out alone.

in a final note , viagra may not be the worst solution in the world as long as he understands that its not a permenant solutuion. If someone is depressed you put them on antidepressants with the intention of you coming off them when you feel better. you could talk to your GP as well.

Dr Galen

hey everyone

Can we try and keep it decent please. I know the topic is sexually oriented, but try and keep the cruder replies to another place.

Thanks

MM

Podman

I know there are things you discuss with each other, at certain times and that, but he might be just over-thinking the whole thing. He's probably stressing about making the first time great or something, but I only know a couple of people who've had a "great" first time, most other people's were mostly disasters, and often funny when you look back...

If someone is learning to drive a car, they don't need to know about roundabouts, tire pressures, nct, black ice, parking etiquette or all the places you can go, all on the first lesson. All they need to know is gas, steering, brake.

No matter what you say he'll probably analyze it a few times, together with trying to make everything perfect, for you. It's too much stress. My advice would be to not have a big meaningful merging-of-souls thing on the night, but to relax with each other and don't either of you see your next level of closeness as a hurdle. He's probably more worried about physical technique his first time, just go with it, it's definitely not a reflection on your relationship.

Intimacy without conversation.
Be comfortable fooling around or lying together watching a movie or something (even porn, why not). One day when your both "ready" to go, just move gently without talking (you can guide him to the right spot, but don't try to move him in by his lad, let him push). Neither of you should analyze anything, just enjoy. Be patient and don't go crazy straight away, and Don't Say Anything (except for sexual sounds, they are always welcome). Talking leads to thinking, and that's too much when there's all the other stuff going on.
See if that works out once or twice and hopefully something will improve.

There is only the pressure we create ourselves, people have all kinds of mad hang-ups, reactions and pre-programmed expectations, some help and some don't.

I've never put this into words before, that's probably why there are so many of them, I don't mean to repeat myself but I don't want to be misunderstood either.
Good luck

globemaster1986

OP I'm with chompy here. Too much thinking/talking about it will only exacerbate the problem. If you take the lead, don't talk and just do. As another poster mentioned tease him then back off a bit, tease some more back off tease again. A little oral is always good;) and as an earlier poster suggested put the condom on for him.

Take the lead and don't ask him if he wants to try and do it, as bringing it up may only cause a recurrence of the problem...

Just a suggestion, good luck!

backwards:)

It happened!!Saturday night after a lovely relaxed night out and a couple of drinks, he said he wanted to give it another go and everything just happened! We have both been beaming since, it was an emotional roller coaster! I would just like to thank everybody for their advice and help. It is said that sex isn't everything and i guess that is right, but when you love somebody so much and you want nothing more than to express that to them in the furthest way possible physically and can't, then it can become eveything. My boyfriend and i have become even closer through this and i guess in the end a complete understanding of each other and the situation made him relax and eradicated his fear and nerves.
Ha im delighted
Thanks again xxx