How to end this without backing down?

LegacyUser

The way I would deal with this situation is this...
First I would calm down , and accept that she said she would put the post in the post to you.

There is nothing you can do about the letters that have already arrived at your mums home addressed to you. They are in her possession . Legally she cannot open them because they are addressed to you , but she is not obliged to send them on to you.

So what I would now do , is send an S.A.E home to her , with a note saying , *please forward any mail that is addressed to me. Thanks*

Then I would go and pay for my mail to be redirected to my new address.

True independence is costly , But SO worth it in these situations.

She is probably scared of her life. And is going to miss you so much when you are away !
But be free ! Be INDEPENDENT !

Firetrap

You're left with two choices basically. You can either continue to knock heads with your mother and have scenarios where you're wondering whether she's mad at you if she appears to be ignoring you or going to send for Interpol if you ignore her. Or you can be pragmatic and try to have some semblance of a civil relationship with her.

It's all well and good to say your parents are toxic and horrible and that you should cut off all contact. Unfortunately you don't live in a hermetically sealed world. You're part of a family and you've no doubt got aunts and uncles and cousins as well as siblings. A rift with a parent will cause more problems that it's worth. If you continue down the road you're travelling, that's what could well happen. There's only so much of slinging insults and hurtful comments in each other's directions that ye can take.

You're in the fortunate position to be living abroad, away from your parents. You can stay in contact with them from a distance and if you're clever you don't have to get involved in those conversations about your academic/career choices that cause the rows. You need to get better at steering conversations away from contentious issues and, something I suspect you will struggle with, keeping your mouth shut when you desperately want to have your say. At times it's better just to let comments pass over your head and ignore them than to react to them and cause another row.

The subject line of this thread says it all though. You don't want to back down. To be honest, I can't see how you can't back down from this argument. Perhaps it's time to swallow your pride and, even if you do believe you're totally right, apologise to your mum and move forward from there. It will cause you less headaches in the long run.

K_P

Couldn't agree more with Firetrap and martdalto. OP, you don't seem to be taking any of the advice you're receiving on board and are still determined to get an apology from your mother. You're not going to.

You have horrible ways of behaving towards one another and the only one who can change that is you because... and I'm going to spell this out for you because you still don't seem to get it...

YOUR MOTHER IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE!

Yes it's sad and it's unfair that you don't have an ideal relationship, but lots of people don't but they get on with it and they deal with it.

There are also lots of people who seem to get a strange kick out of having eternal family drama and arguments. Maybe you're one of them and maybe you enjoy these fights. If you do, by all means carry on as you are because it's one way to guarantee a lifetime of stress.

kraggy

tbh wrote: »

You can give advice without casting aspersions on others who are giving advice. Your implication was that people who were offering advice were of a certain age or sex, thus implying that their advice is less valid than yours.
My point was, at least the OP can see who I am. If sex or age is an important factor in them evaluating advice, they can get that information.

If you want to post unregged, don't use it to have a dig at other posters. If you scoff at others perceived motivation for offering advice, then hold yourself up to the same scrutiny, or do what everone else seems to do - say your piece without rubbishing anyone else.

apols mods, that "hit a nerve" crack pissed me off. You might say it hit a nerve, I guess.



did you read my post Kraggy I wasn't replying to the OP, I was replying to some who posted - unregistered - words to the effect of "Don't listen to these people, their advice isn't valid because of who they are and they should be ashamed of themselves" (age/gender)

I am fully aware that you weren't replying to the OP. The person you were replying to wrote personal stuff in their post, hence going unregistered.

LegacyUser

Is the OP male or female?
And how old?

These are important questions , because I think we relate to our mothers differently as women and men, and to our fathers too as women and men.

And has money come into this at all?
Did you take a lift with your mother maybe because you got to save a few quid ?
Was that the real reason you took the lift?
And you NEEDING to live with them again , sounds like it could be a financial need rather than an emotional or spiritual need to spend time with them again after the year is up!
Do your parents get on with each other? If your Dad works away from home what kind of a relationship does he have with your mum? Does that affect you in any way ?

LegacyUser

I'm female, aged 26. Yes, saving money on the lift was a factor, but also because my mother wouldn't take no for an answer, and lack of money is also the reason I stayed with them after university, obviously at the time I had no job and no money, and I was sick and needed help getting to hospital and stuff.

If I had money, then I would only see my parents at Christmas or something and they would have no reason to get on my case, so we'd probably get on better.

If I ever live with them again, it would be due to financial need. However, my dream would be that I'm always financially independent but that we just start getting on, they could be proud of me for who I am, and spiriually/emotionally I do feel a void because of our relationship being distant. Also it's been nearly a week and my mum still hasn't responded to my email, I want to make it up with her because I feel really sad that she doesn't seem to be talking to me. But it's hard because we never had in-depth emotional talks or anything, I feel totally uncomfortable talking to her about anything other than flippant stuff.

My mum and dad have a weird realtionship, I don't know what's going on there. But when they meet up they always seem to get on well. My whole family is weird, many people are not talking to others for stupid reasons, and they're always slagging eah other off, aunts, cousins, uncles, etc. My cousin's dad doesn't even know she's married!

martdalto

OP, you're mam is doing what she does best, ie ,aking you do what she wants you to. She wants to always play the victim.

Don't contact her begging forgiveness! If you do happen to ring/email, keep it calm and casual.. "Just wondering how you all are, since it's been a while since we were in touch" or something similiar.

Don't play her game anymore.

Behave like an adult around her, and insist that she treats you like one. (By insisting, I mean ignore her when she starts snipping at you, and refuse to be drawn into an argument)

Contact her if you want, or leave it another week or so. She wants you to feel guilty, she wants you to be bothered by her. Or maybe on the otherhand (which is very possible) it's not bothering her half as much as it's bothering you!

Next time you contact, keep it short, simple, and non apologetic!

MissHoneyBun

Your mother sounds more difficult than The Times crossword. There's nothing you can do other than rise above her crap. Engaging in it will only result in your head getting wrecked further. Remain civil to her and acknowledge the fact that you can do nothing to change her, only how you react. Acting in an adult fashion will force her to recognise that is what you precisely are!

If you feel you must outline your feelings towards her, writing an email/letter will give you the opportunity to express yourself and will also remove any potential for immediate emotionally charged responses from your mother.

LegacyUser

Are you parents together at all at all? Do they live in the same house?

You are getting some good replies here on the board , with good advice , but some of the posts have been a bit harsh! I mean some of posters here are telling you that you are acting spoiled and to simply *grow up* when none of us repliers really know the full picture, its way off the mark.

Your not spoiled, and growing up is exactly what you are trying to do ! Moving away from the family home and establishing your self as an individual and working and taking responsibility for yourself !

I know its really really hard to go through emotionally! its a really hard thing to do , but you are doing it! you are being independent. I think I know what your going through.

Send the S.A.E . Then...redirect your post. whether it be through the postal system or by contacting anyone that would be posting you letters.

Manage your money well. Save and manage. And don't be afraid. You are not alone in this quest. You are a separate and brilliant entity. Your not saying you hate your parents , your just saying that you wish they would let you go , particularly your mother. Am I right?

Distance yourself as much as you have to to get the right perspective on things.
And good luck.

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Your Mother is out of order in her behaviours throughout the years.

She has given you 'conditional love' in other words she controls you and interferes with your life to satisfy her own desire for social status.

This is damaging behaviour. She has allowed her greed for social status to supercede her obligation to raise happy, healthy children.

She is not really a great parent, In fact the fact that your sister is so grossly overweight points to an almost catastrophic parental failure on her behalf. Your father sounds like he is under her control as well.

She doesn't seem to recognise or respect that you are an adult and the stunt where she took your Diploma to orchestrate some sort of manipulation in the airport was telling of her state of mind.

Her mind is churning away there constantly trying to figure out how she can make you (an errant child as far as she is concerned) fit into the Accountant shaped hole she has in her soul. She is a shallow idiot.

Sadly when you get to adulthood you realise you can't make your parents right. I think your Ma is a controlling egocentric fool who cares more about how the neighbours see HER than your happiness.

It IS very sad that you wont probably be able to have a normal cordial relationship with them but I dont think she is capable of it.

You will have to wrest control from her. Remove all your stuff from the house and change your address with banks etc

Forget about the guilt manipulation and her unreasonable selfish demands. You are grown up now. Don't finish the stupid degree or whatever it is if you don't want to. You dont have to answer to her.

She won't give you respect or be reasoned with, she is not capable. She is too selfish. So sad as it is I think you need to stop expecting her to be like other Mothers.

I think you've just described my mother down to a tee there.




I think some of the other replies posted here have been very harsh on the OP. I think some posters have no idea what it's like to grow up in a house with an extremely controlling parent. My mother is the exact same. She's been like that since I was a child. It starts with small things and you can't do anything about it because you are the child and she is the parent but as you get older you realise it's every aspect of your life. I too was threatened with being carted off to a children's home for very minor misdemeanors. I remember wetting the bed or something by accident a couple of times when I was five or six, it might have been when I had started school. Her threat was to bring my underwear to the school to show my teacher and my class if I didn't stop doing it.

My mother is extremely bitter, she begrudges me anything I've ever achieved and used to throw it back in my face when I was living at home. Many rows ended with 'just because you have a university education'.. which would often come out of nowhere. She is overweight, fat even and just doesn't want to do anything about it, likes to think she has tried every diet on the planet and that it's genetic when it's eating crap food and no exercise. She doesn't like me to be slim because it shows her up. If she was going to do the weekly shop and asked if I would like a bar of chocolate (the huge ones) and I'd say 'no thanks', she'd still bring one home and if I put it away in the press and didn't eat it, she would throw a strop. Even if I was polite and non confrontational and said that I wasn't hungry, or I'll eat it later. She will do the same with dinner, it could be something like 'Would you like 2 or 4 roast potatoes?' even if I answer 2, i'll get four and she'll go into a sulk because I don't eat the other two, despite the fact that i'm full and didn't want them in the first place.

Some posters will probably now say, 'she's just a typical Irish Mammy and they all do that'. My brother is 5 or 6 stone overweight and she's pretty happy with that as he eats loads of junk food and it justifies her position.

She got into a sulk when I took my credit union book off her when I was a teenager so i could manage my money myself. I opened a bank account in college and she had another sulk because she would have no idea how much money I was spending or saving.

I got a very good leaving cert, was the first in the family (immediate and cousins) to go to college, it was good enough to brag to the cousins about because they hadn't done as well academically (didn't make a difference to me). It wasn't good enough for her when it came to her friends though because her friend's daughter scored higher than me. My brother did the leaving a few years after me and failed a few subjects including maths which meant he wasn't going to college, he was so upset. Her reaction was not one of sympathy or even of anger at his laziness (which he would admit himself) but 'What am I going to tell my friends?'

Now I could go on all night, and I'm sure some of those same posters will possibly have a go at me and tell me to grow up and stop being petty and childish. I'm only giving simple examples of everyday life, but living with a parent who tries to control every aspect of your life and throws a strop if you don't do exactly what you want or don't follow a path which allows them to brag is not healthy. I learned over the years not to take the bait and never to enter a conversation with my mother that would suggest that I was even entertaining her opinion. I learned just to state what I was doing and that was the end of the matter. I got a lot more respect for it too.

As Oh the Humanity put it, it has always been conditional love, conditional that I do exactly as she wants or that I do something that she can tell the neighbours about. I don't do anything to please her, only to please myself. I can live without that sort of conditional relationship. My father ended up in hospital sick a few years ago and she even went so far as to suggest to me that he was faking it, she was not a bit happy that he might be getting some attention.

When I got the job I'm in now, i moved away. That was 8 years ago. I keep the parents at arm's length (my father for different reasons). I only go home 3 times a year at most and more is thought of me. My mother hasn't changed and still tries the same thing with my brother or sometimes on the phone to me or the few times I'm home. My mother did the same to my father and they are now separating.


So after that OP, personally I wouldn't apologise, I don't think you have anything to apologise for. I wouldn't email her again either because you're just seeking her approval then, she got your email and she read it. She's probably sulking but let her. Eventually, curiosity will gnaw away at her and she will get back in contact even if it is just to try and resume the same sort of relationship you've had up until now. Don't complain about your job, your housemates, the town you're living in to her. She'll only use it as a reason to say 'I told you so'. Don't move home again, when your contract runs out try to have some sort of job organised and continue from there. Your mother will take you back in because she'll be able to nag you again. When you're not in that environment and keeping them at arms length they'll be much easier to deal with.

Take control of your own situation, contact any bank or anyone else who would be writing to you and change your address yourself. Then you don't owe anything to anyone. If any post gets mislaid in the meantime it's not the end of the world. Allowing her to dictate whether you get your post or not is still leaving her control you in one way. Save as much money as possible while you are working, if you want to get out of this position as badly as you say, then you'll have to make it happen yourself

moo_moo_crazy

I can see why you're so angry with your mother. No matter what my brother and I do, our parents support us. They may give out and argue with us but when we need them they are there for us 100%.

I'm not saying that you should cut all contact with your mother because you may regret it later on but I think that some posts calling you a spoilt brat may be a little harsh. Just take some time to calm down and do what you feel is right.