How to end this without backing down?

OS119 · 18-08-2009 01:20PM

Unregistered wrote: »

I also forgot to say that I would gladly just not speak to them for a while to cool off, but my mum said that if I do not respond to her emails, she will call interpol and report me missing. Can you imagine what my new housemates and employers would think if the police turned up looking for me?

OP, when your mum gets arrested for wasting police time - coz that's what happens when stupid people play with phones - you can laugh your tits off.

you could also contact a solicitor - in Ireland or your new country of residence, depending on who has the 'best' harrasment laws - and get a snotty letter sent.

off. smile. wipe. face. that'll. her. the.

you are an adult, and that means two things: you are responsible for your actions, and you have the right to choose who you are and are not friends with.

K_P · 18-08-2009 01:57PM

OP, while some of the posts here have been quite harsh, they have a grain of truth in them. Your mother has certain ways of behaving towards you which you have little control over. What you do have control over is the way you respond to her, which at the moment is childishly, reinforcing the patterns of behaviour you've had with each other all your life.

Her word is not law and you need to start seeing that. Ok, it's only a small thing, but your reason for not asking someone in the airport where the cafe was is because "she wouldn't allow it". Tough. Ask someone anyway. If she complains that you shouldn't have, ignore her, change the subject, start talking about something else.

If you didn't want to go in the car with her to the airport, you should have booked a train or bus yourself, been firm with her, thank her for the offer but tell her in no uncertain terms you would make your own way.

As for her threats regarding Interpol, send her an email reply. Tell her you're getting on fine and you will be in touch again by email in X number of days and leave it at that. Don't bring up what happened in the airport. You'll both end up in an argument again, getting up set and resolving nothing.

Your mother is highly unlikely to change. What you need to do is leave all the stories about how awful she was in the past, in the past. Forget about them and move on. You're grown up now and if you start acting like one, your mother just might start treating you like one. No guarantees that she will, but it's better than carrying on as ye are.

It'll feel weird and very tempting to revert back to your old ways, getting drawn into arguments and all that. You need to stand up to her, be polite but be firm. No more whining about stuff that happened 20 years ago, no more tantrums, no more putting up with her stupid demands and threats just because she says so. Be calm, be polite and be firm.

padz · 18-08-2009 02:05PM

you know what might help, send her a link of this thread& see what she thinks, she will no doubt realise how much this has effected you&that its created a ton of responses, best of luck with ur new home&hope things works out with d Mud.... thats what id do anyway,... 'hi mum check this page out&email me back'

Amazotheamazing · 18-08-2009 02:34PM

If you want to be treated like an adult, stop acting like a child.

Honestly, sulking is never the answer, neither is being rude or whining, but they seem to the things you use to express yourself.

Xephon · 18-08-2009 02:51PM

I have to admit, i found some of the reply's abit shocking too..
All hail mommy! thou shall not question mommys rule type of thing...

Ok anyone can see the OP isn't a child so what alot of people are stating is that an adult "OP" isn't allowed to have a bad day around his/her parents? and react as such? without be considered a brat? lol...

Were all human, if anything the mother should have taken a much better note of these signs and changed her tone to be more supportive to the OP's needs, instead the mother focused on her own needs while the OP was already in a bad mood. I mean the OP's dad was quick enough to read the signs and back off, so why couldn't the mother?

All the same OP i wouldn't lose contact with your perents over this.
Stand your ground with your mom and tell her why you reacted as such, (its not apoligising) but explaining in an adult manner that you felt pushed at points you needed to stop...preety much your post here would be a good reply as to why you were upset in the first place.
Also remember things can be said in the heat of a moment that are never truly ment, if anything i think your dad does deserve an apoligy for offering lunch and getting snaped at :P don't you?

tbh · 18-08-2009 02:57PM

Xephon wrote: »

I have to admit, i found some of the reply's abit shocking too..
All hail mommy! thou shall not question mommys rule type of thing...

what would be the point? what would it achieve? by reacting, he's letting his mam dictate how he behaves. What's the point in that?

Ickle Magoo · 18-08-2009 03:02PM

Unregistered wrote: »

I also forgot to say that I would gladly just not speak to them for a while to cool off, but my mum said that if I do not respond to her emails, she will call interpol and report me missing. Can you imagine what my new housemates and employers would think if the police turned up looking for me?

Seriously, I wouldn't even dignify that threat with an answer.

It's just another controlling tactic and if you reply with demands of being a grown up now & she has no right to blah, blah, blah then you will just reinforce her thinking & the merry-go-round will just keep going around. You cannot change the way your mother acts towards you, the only thing you have control of is your reaction to her. Use that control to break the cycle by doing the thing she leasts expects and ignoring the silly things she comes out with, assert your independence by being giving yourself permission to act without her say so and make sure you call whomever is sending you important mail and get it sent to your present address or a PO box.

Best of luck

puglover · 18-08-2009 03:23PM

The Op is acting like a child and I don't blame her parents for treatinf her like one.

Tis all very well her deciding not to heed their advice now when they are trying to get her to go back to college(they are dead right, it's probably the last year she'll be able to avail of free fees), but who will she expect to put a roof over her head when her contract ends in 12 months???

OP you have a lot of growing up to do. What would you do in 12 months if you're parents told you to feck off and stand on your own two feet. I'm telling you, you'd see what the real world is like then and wouldn't be so quick to treat them like you have.

LegacyUser · 18-08-2009 03:27PM

OP you have a lot of growing up to do. What would you do in 12 months if you're parents told you to feck off and stand on your own two feet. I'm telling you, you'd see what the real world is like then and wouldn't be so quick to treat them like you have.

I have been living in the "real world" for years. I have been working and living away from them for years. I was only staying with them because I was sick and had just left university.

padz · 18-08-2009 03:33PM

puglover your way out of line, youve a lot of grown up to do, maybe u should get ur A$$ out of that seat,away from the computer screen,put the damm cookie jar down and get on with your own life, god u must have little to be doing do u?, im goin to my spinning class now,i suggest you do something worthwhile with your time other than b!tching at someone you dont even even know,.... oh by the way hows your momma doin?

Xephon · 18-08-2009 03:42PM

tbh wrote: »

what would be the point? what would it achieve? by reacting, he's letting his mam dictate how he behaves. What's the point in that?

Which is exactly the problem is it not?
He should not be Letting his mother dictate him anymore.
Perants happen to be regular adults too who know best for us up until the point we make our own decisions and deal with our own problems in life.

After that they can only support or hamper us.
Being threated like a child, nagged at and not listened to, on the day you move away is not something i would consider in the support catagory.

The Recliner · 18-08-2009 03:43PM

Padz if you have a problem with a post then use the report post button

Do not have a go at another poster like that, banned for a week

puglover · 18-08-2009 03:46PM

padz wrote: »

puglover your way out of line, youve a lot of grown up to do, maybe u should get ur A$$ out of that seat,away from the computer screen,put the damm cookie jar down and get on with your own life, god u must have little to be doing do u?, im goin to my spinning class now,i suggest you do something worthwhile with your time other than b!tching at someone you dont even even know,.... oh by the way hows your momma doin?

:pac: ROFL

tbh · 18-08-2009 03:48PM

Xephon wrote: »

Which is exactly the problem is it not?
He should not be Letting his mother dictate him anymore.
Perants happen to be regular adults too who know best for us up until the point we make our own decisions and deal with our own problems in life.

After that they can only support or hamper us.
Being threated like a child, nagged at and not listened to, on the day you move away is not something i would consider in the support catagory.

yeah - I know where you're coming from. I see that the OP has two options here, to fight their parents in order to prove a point (which in fairness, is probably a valid point), or just roll their eyes and say "yes mam, no mam, I'm sorry mam".

My opinion is you might as well just go with the second one, because it's less hassle all round. If it were his/her other half he (or she) was talking about, my answer would be different, but as its their mam, who they won't be seeing a whole lot of, then just take the path of least resistance. IMO anyway

The Recliner · 18-08-2009 03:49PM

puglover wrote: »

:pac: ROFL

Puglover please don't respond to something like that again

I am half thinking about getting the likes of ROFL and Lollers and :pac: and :rolleyes: added to the PI charter as bannable offences

Anyway please keep to the topic of the thread

puglover · 18-08-2009 03:50PM

Unregistered wrote: »

OP you have a lot of growing up to do. What would you do in 12 months if you're parents told you to feck off and stand on your own two feet. I'm telling you, you'd see what the real world is like then and wouldn't be so quick to treat them like you have.

I have been living in the "real world" for years. I have been working and living away from them for years. I was only staying with them because I was sick and had just left university.

No you're not because you are relying on the safety net of being able to go back home when the going gets tough.

Aren't you lucky they let you stay with them while you are sick. And you've said yourself you'll probably be back there again once your contract ends. Lets hope they let you this time or you'll be out on your ass.

LegacyUser · 18-08-2009 03:58PM

I'm pretty sure that in the "real world" most family members would allow someone who was so sick they could hardly move to stay with them. It's hardly a favour for a parent to shelter their sick child, when they are too old to look after themselves, I won't see them out in the street.

And if I couldn't stay with them when my contract ends, so what? I'll make alternative arrangements. In fact I think I will do that anyway.

puglover · 18-08-2009 04:10PM

Pimpey wrote: »

Puglover please don't respond to something like that again

I am half thinking about getting the likes of ROFL and Lollers and :pac: and :rolleyes: added to the PI charter as bannable offences

Anyway please keep to the topic of the thread

Apologies

puglover · 18-08-2009 04:16PM

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm pretty sure that in the "real world" most family members would allow someone who was so sick they could hardly move to stay with them. It's hardly a favour for a parent to shelter their sick child, when they are too old to look after themselves, I won't see them out in the street.

I'll make alternative arrangements. In fact I think I will do that anyway.

Not everyone is that lucky no. And yes they did do you a massive favour...btw you're not a child.

martdalto · 18-08-2009 04:26PM

OP, I posted my last reply, while you were posting the one about how badly you & your sister have been treated by your parents as kids.

The title you put on this thread is "How to end this....?"

Can I ask, do you really want to end it? Do you care what they think of you? Do you want a relatinoship with them? Or do you just want to get along on your own and not be bothered by them anymore?

I think at this stage in your life it might be time to seek some counselling for the years of what you've put up with and heard from your parents. It won't "fix" it, but it might get some things striaght in your head, and it might point you in the direction you want to go, and give you help in getting there. (who knows, maybe they thought they were being funny?)

Your parents aren't going to change.
You're not going to be able to change them.
But you can change how you react around them, and maybe even change your expectations of them.

At the moment, your expectations of them are higher than they are ever going to achieve, without a change in dynamics, and has been mentioned, you can't change them, only yourself.

Maybe find someone you can talk to, who can help you sort though what it is you want/need/expect from them.

Good Luck in the job, I hope things work out for you when you get back.

LegacyUser · 18-08-2009 04:39PM

I want a good long-distance relationship with them. The job I've just started, I have a contract for a year but I hope I can stay here permanently afterwards, I just don't know if that's possible right now. Thats my dream scenario, to make this move permanent, or if i can't, to get a job in another country, going home is definitely my last resort. I have no desire whatsoever to live there or resume my studies.

I would however like to be able to contact my parents without them being the way they are. I don't think it's me who has expectations of them that are too high, it's them who have expectations of me that are too high. They want me to have a BA, MA and PhD and then get an impressive job. My dad for instance is desperate for me to become an accountant, even though I hate maths and am hopeless at it, he always tries to persuade me to take that career path. My mother wanted to be an archaeologist but never made it, so she is always hassling me to become an archaeologist. Failing that, they want me to do something that pays loads and impresses other parents, eg - doctor, lawyer etc. But none of those jobs are for me, I have a totally different life path. They are also desperate for me to get married and are always nagging me about it, even though I enjoy being free and have no OH right now. Basically, the only way I can please them is to live my life totally differently to how I want, and I am not prepared to do that. They are very disappointed in me and ashamed, because I have chosen a low-paying job without impressive status. They don't care about the fact that it's a job I enjoy where I am helping people, influencing lives for the better and getting a good opportunity to live abroad.

I actually did have counselling about them while I was at university. They've made me so unhappy over the years and always set expectations that I can't live up to, so that in my later teenage years I actually self harmed and made a serious suicide attempt. My mother gave me no sympathy, she just told me to keep it hushed up from the rest of the family because she didn't want the shame of them knowing that her kid wasn't up to scratch.

Oh The Humanity · 18-08-2009 05:10PM

Your Mother is out of order in her behaviours throughout the years.

She has given you 'conditional love' in other words she controls you and interferes with your life to satisfy her own desire for social status.

This is damaging behaviour. She has allowed her greed for social status to supercede her obligation to raise happy, healthy children.

She is not really a great parent, In fact the fact that your sister is so grossly overweight points to an almost catastrophic parental failure on her behalf. Your father sounds like he is under her control as well.

She doesn't seem to recognise or respect that you are an adult and the stunt where she took your Diploma to orchestrate some sort of manipulation in the airport was telling of her state of mind.

Her mind is churning away there constantly trying to figure out how she can make you (an errant child as far as she is concerned) fit into the Accountant shaped hole she has in her soul. She is a shallow idiot.

Sadly when you get to adulthood you realise you can't make your parents right. I think your Ma is a controlling egocentric fool who cares more about how the neighbours see HER than your happiness.

It IS very sad that you wont probably be able to have a normal cordial relationship with them but I dont think she is capable of it.

You will have to wrest control from her. Remove all your stuff from the house and change your address with banks etc

Forget about the guilt manipulation and her unreasonable selfish demands. You are grown up now. Don't finish the stupid degree or whatever it is if you don't want to. You dont have to answer to her.

She won't give you respect or be reasoned with, she is not capable. She is too selfish. So sad as it is I think you need to stop expecting her to be like other Mothers.

spurious · 18-08-2009 05:26PM

She's your mother. Sheesh - just say sorry.
It doesn't mean she's won and you've lost some sort of battle.

Send her flowers and say you'll be in touch as much as you can. Ring every Sunday at 3, just to say a quick hello.

LegacyUser · 19-08-2009 12:08PM

tbh wrote: »

When you post under your own name, feel free to question other posters backgrounds.

No actually I feel quite free as is. It is totally irrelevant who I am.
I was posting personal stuff in my response, hence the unreg.
This response of yours makes it seem like i've hit a nerve

LegacyUser · 19-08-2009 03:18PM

It's been 2 days since I responded to my mothers email (where i told her that she had a cheek for being upset at my behaviour because what about her behaviour - I may have sounded quite angry in it) and she still hasn't responded. I also said in the email that I have no intention of ever finishing my degree and I never want to hear another word about it. I'm paranoid that she hasn't answered yet, she must be really angry, maybe she's not speaking to me now?

kraggy · 19-08-2009 06:10PM

Terodil wrote: »

Sorry, but that's ridiculous.

a/ grow up, you don't die from calling people you don't know. You might even meet somebody nice :eek: it's your own fault if you turn it into a chore.

b/ forcing him/her to take a lift? What about the OP saying 'no'? Would the mam drag the OP out into the car by the hair?

seriously :rolleyes:

Seriously yourself.

It sounds to me that the mother has refused to accept that the OP has grown up.

If the OP decides to go abroad again when he/she is 40 years of age, should they ring someone she doesn't know then as well? The OP has her/his own life to live. They cannot continue to live under the watchful eye of their mother for ever more.

And why insist on the lift? Fair enough if it was to be of benefit to the OP, but the only reason she gave the OP a lift was to give her a hard time.

The mother sounds like a control freak who cannot accept that her child is now an adult.

I totally agree with Oh The Humanity on this one.

OP, where do you come in the family? Eldest, youngest, only child?

kraggy · 19-08-2009 06:19PM

tbh wrote: »

When you post under your own name, feel free to question other posters backgrounds.

Eh, did you even read the post? There is personal material contained in it and maybe the poster has relatives or a partner who also uses boards and they didn't want to stir it?

That's what the unregistered facility is there for.

tbh · 19-08-2009 06:32PM

Unregistered wrote: »

No actually I feel quite free as is. It is totally irrelevant who I am.
I was posting personal stuff in my response, hence the unreg.
This response of yours makes it seem like i've hit a nerve

You can give advice without casting aspersions on others who are giving advice. Your implication was that people who were offering advice were of a certain age or sex, thus implying that their advice is less valid than yours.
My point was, at least the OP can see who I am. If sex or age is an important factor in them evaluating advice, they can get that information.

If you want to post unregged, don't use it to have a dig at other posters. If you scoff at others perceived motivation for offering advice, then hold yourself up to the same scrutiny, or do what everone else seems to do - say your piece without rubbishing anyone else.

apols mods, that "hit a nerve" crack pissed me off. You might say it hit a nerve, I guess.

kraggy wrote: »

Eh, did you even read the post? There is personal material contained in it and maybe the poster has relatives or a partner who also uses boards and they didn't want to stir it?

That's what the unregistered facility is there for.

did you read my post Kraggy

I wasn't replying to the OP, I was replying to some who posted - unregistered - words to the effect of "Don't listen to these people, their advice isn't valid because of who they are and they should be ashamed of themselves" (age/gender)

LegacyUser · 19-08-2009 07:53PM

kraggy wrote: »

OP, where do you come in the family? Eldest, youngest, only child?

I'm the oldest. I have a sister who's 3 years younger.

martdalto · 19-08-2009 09:09PM

OP you still haven't answered if you WANT this to end?

If you just wanted a rant, then that's fine and you are perfectly entitled. But you seem to dismiss any/all advice offered to you, by coming back with more reasons as to why you shouldn't have to do this that or the other.

As mentioned before, this seems like a very bad relationship between you and your parents. I don't know if it can be "fixed" or the situation "ended". And it definitely can not be fixed without their co-operation, or at least some acknowledgment from them that sometimes they go too far.

When I mentioned expectations before, I didn't mean you had huge expecations of them. I meant you had "normal" expectations of what parents should be.. ie you want them to praise you and be proud of you whatever path you take. You want them to wish you well when you move abroad for a job etc.

These are expectations (or wants?) that you repeatedly seek from them, that they repeatedly fail to deliver.

The only way out of this for you is to stop expecting (hoping?) that they will some day see the error of their ways and embrace you as their daughter, for exactly who you are.

You are only always setting yourself up to be disappointed.

It would be a fantastic world if all families could get along, and be happy for each other, and be proud of each other.. but in reality we know that doesn't happen.

It would be nice for you to have your parents support, and it would be nice for you to be able to come home and enjoy your time with them... but it's not necessary.

The one thing you can control is how much/little contact you have with them.

If you don't live with them you can visit. If they start bitching at you, you can say your good-byes and go home.

If you ring them to chat, and they start nagging, tell them you're busy and have to go.

If you don't play to them, then they'll tire (eventually!) of trying to play with you.

It's like supernanny advises parents of difficult children, but in reverse... ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good!! If they can be civil, and not nagging, you can be polite and relaxed and engage with them. As soon as they start, refuse to get involved and leave!

Again, good luck to you.
I hope of nothing else you got the rant out of your system, and released a bit of tension!

How to end this without backing down?

Comments