How to end this without backing down?

LegacyUser

On Saturday, I moved abroad to start a new job. Previous to that, I had been living with my mother for a few months since finishing university. I had to fly from Belfast, which is 4 hours drive away from where we live. My mother decided she wanted to spend a couple of days in Belfast to visit some friends, so said she would drive me. I would have preferred to get public transport tbh, but since my mum was going there anyway now, I went with her.

On the drive, we had an argument. I was nervous about moving abroad and it was hot and uncomfortable on the drive, which may have played a part in making me more annoyed. But my mum was constantly nagging me all the way there, do this, do that, be careful, etc and saying the same things over and over. I asked her repeatedly to stop nagging me. It's not like I haven't lived abroad without her before, I did so before university as well and I survived. But she was doing other things. She kept demanding that I phone friends of hers along the journey to let them know when we'd be arriving. I hate talking to people I don't know very well on the phone, I feel stupid. I refused to call them and we argued about it. Then I phoned them, but one didn't answer. I told my mum they didn't answer and she started having a go at me for not leaving a message.

By the time we arrived at the airport, I was very annoyed, and my mum made it worse. I was hot and tired and desperately wanted to sit down, plus I was carrying all my heavy luggage. My mum decided she wanted a coffee and made me traipse all over the airport trying to find a cafe. There was an information desk there, I said "let's just ask them where a cafe is" but my mum refused and insisted that we wander around aimlessly. Then we met up with my dad who works away in Belfast and he said, "let's go out away from the airport for lunch together before you go," but of course I had to check in, how could I go off for lunch??! He looked very hurt and asked me why I was in a bad mood and I pointed to my mum and said, "because I've been trapped in a car with her for 4 hours!" My dad could see I was in a bad mood and decided to leave to go back to work. I hoped my mum would leave too but she insisted on staying, and when I said it was time for me to go and check in, she asked me to wait until her friend arrived! I waited as long as I could to shut her up, and ended up only just making it through customs in time!

Anyway, that was 3 days ago, and today I emailed my mum to ask if she could send my post on to me. She emailed back that she would, but first wrote a great long essay about how my bad behaviour on the journey had hurt and upset her and my dad. I know what my mum is like, she drags arguments out endlessly. I would gladly just never speak of it again, but whenever my mum is angry at someone she drags it out forever. She hasn't even spoken to her own sister in years, and can't remember why. Anyway, I am not going to apologise; I may have been bad-tempered, but seriously can you blame me?

How can I respond to the email and get my post without agreeing that I was in the wrong, or accepting her comments about my bad behaviour?

fasty

Just tell her that you're sorry for how you reacted but that she should've taken into account the fact that you were nervous and you don't think it was necessary for her to repeat herself over and over.

Faith

That sounds very like my mum. She endlessly repeats the same warnings over and over again, and then gets angry when I get frustrated. I'd be very keen to hear the replies to this!

tbh

what's the point in trying to make her accept that she was half-wrong? You're not living at home any more, it's not like it's going to be a big issue.

She's your mam. Just ring her, tell her you're sorry you were so off with her, but you were nervous. Tell her you've felt bad about the way you treated her ever since. She'll be made up, and she'll probably apologise herself. This, in the great scheme of things, is a very small row. Don't let it get any bigger than it already is. So what if you were in the right? Just ring your mam and say sorry. Then you can both forget about it.

tbh

Faith wrote: »

That sounds very like my mum. She endlessly repeats the same warnings over and over again, and then gets angry when I get frustrated. I'd be very keen to hear the replies to this!

she's doing it cause she loves you and she worries about you it's what mams do.

Terodil

You assumed the role of the child, pouting at nothing ('I didn't want to go in her car, would have preferred public transport'), complaining about nothing ('OMG I had to call people I didn't know very well'), and treating her badly for fussing over you ('I was trapped with that woman').

Since you were so dead set on being the child, your mam was re-inforced in her role as mam and fussed over you.

Are you really surprised at what happened? :eek:

Your refusal to make a compromise here is just the continuation of the childish behaviour that led to the row in the first place.

Behave like an adult, OP, and follow the advice already given on this thread. Apologise for your behaviour, explain that you were stressed, and close the case.

prinz

In fairness you were as much in the wrong as anyone else was, and behaved fairly badly. I can understand though, have had a fair few days like that over the years. Everything sounds exactly like what I'd get but I've learned how to deal with it without getting into a strop over it. You got into a bad mood and took it out on your parents, and now you expect your ma to do your bidding again, without acknowledging how badly you acted...*clip*ear*

Terodil

Faith wrote: »

That sounds very like my mum. She endlessly repeats the same warnings over and over again, and then gets angry when I get frustrated. I'd be very keen to hear the replies to this!

Well, you see, we all like to perpetuate role perception. What I mean is: Parents will always tend to see their kids as kids, and it's very easy for them to slip back into the old behavioral patterns from years ago.

Kids will always tend to revert back to being kids when they're around their parents, and display the same behavioural traits they used to when they were small.

It takes a lot of work to overcome this natural behaviour. It needs some serious talks, the 'kid' needs to inspire their parents with confidence that s/he can handle life perfectly on his/her own, and the parents need to realise this and come to the conclusion that they're dealing with adults. That conclusion does not come for free though, in fact, it's even harder to prove in a parents-kid-setting than between adults because both effects I mentioned above work against it. It's a long and arduous learning process for all parties involved.

Basically, show that you're a responsible adult, take their warnings/advice into consideration and *explain* why you are doing something or not doing something against their suggestion. Many ex-kids (like we all are ^^) refuse to do that because they think they're above 'defending themselves'. But that is a radically wrong perception, you only need to defend yourself if you're behaving childishly. If you're an adult, you explain to them and soothe their worries. That's massively different.

Oh The Humanity

I disagree with the other posts here. The Ma sounds like Livia Soprano. A wind up merchant who requires endless patience to deal with but the minute you lose even the tiniest bit of patience with them, they go off into an endless essay of self pity. :rolleyes:

The Ma has a total blind spot for her own faults. Putting OP on the phone to people she/ he hardly knows is embarrassing and silly even IF OP was a child, as is forcing him/her to take the lift when he/she didn't want it.

I think OP is being pushed into the role of 'ungrateful child' -whether he/she is or not. Because it sounds like an old routine and dialogue that has played out in the family for years. A habit the parents are in and won't let go of.

The Ma knew well OP didn't want the lift but had to insist on it anyway and then spent the time lecturing OP, refusing to listen and ignoring OP's request for a bit of calm while he/she was quite nervous. The Ma sounded more concerned about her friends and seemed to view OP as a trivial side show.

Now she is withholding the fecking post until such time as OP engages with this bull$hit and pretends to be sorry after doing nothing wrong. Whatever post you are waiting for OP, contact the banks etc and get your change of address sorted, otherwise this post bull will be used as leverage for manipulation and control in the future. Time to cut those strings!

Terodil

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

The Ma has a total blind spot for her own faults. Putting OP on the phone to people she/ he hardly knows is embarrassing and silly even IF OP was a child, as is forcing him/her to take the lift when he/she didn't want it.

Sorry, but that's ridiculous.

a/ grow up, you don't die from calling people you don't know. You might even meet somebody nice :eek: it's your own fault if you turn it into a chore.

b/ forcing him/her to take a lift? What about the OP saying 'no'? Would the mam drag the OP out into the car by the hair?

seriously :rolleyes:

i would reply to the email saying ' im ina rush so cant write much ' and either don't mention it again or just say its a pity it happened.

me and my mum rarely fight anymore but forgetting it happened straight away always worked well

Oh The Humanity

Terodil wrote: »

Sorry, but that's ridiculous.

a/ grow up, you don't die from calling people you don't know. You might even meet somebody nice :eek: it's your own fault if you turn it into a chore.

b/ forcing him/her to take a lift? What about the OP saying 'no'? Would the mam drag the OP out into the car by the hair?

seriously :rolleyes:

Ah give over.

RE being used as a messanger by the Ma, Obviously you don't die but it is a chore and a bore to talk to strangers on the phone. Half the time the people on the other end are morto and its just a mess of unneccessary cringe. My Mam did it to us as kids and none of us liked it and started refusing to do it in our teens as is healthy when young adults assert their independance.

RE forcing him/her to take the lift. As OP said the Ma is known to drag out things endlessly if she doesn't get her own way. I would hazard a guess OP has often given in to her for a quiet life. Which in the long run is not going to teach the aul dear that Johnny/Mary is a big boy/girl now and treating him/her like an errant schoolchild is inappropriate, embarassing and unhealthy. She needs to release the stranglehold and open her ears and eyes to the facts she has failed to notice so far. Her child is now an adult.

LegacyUser

OP here again. I forgot a bit earlier. At university, I only did an undergrad diploma, not a full 3 year degree. It doesn't matter, since it was a useless subject that will never get me a job (I got my current job on the strength of my personality, not my qualifications.) What I did is basically 2 years of a 3 year degree. I had to drop out in my third year when I became sick and had to go home for tests, it turned out to be an endocrine problem. By the time I had treatment and recovered I couldn't bear to do any more useless studying, I decided to work instead. My parents have been nagging me non-stop ever since to finish the degree (it's a philosophy degree ffs, hardly useful in the current job market) My dad is always laying guilt trips on me, my mum whining that she'll be the only mother in our family without a graduation picture of her child to show off, etc.

Anyway, I soon found out the real reason my mum wanted us to meet my dad at the airport. My diploma had just come through the post and she (I didn't know she had brought it) got it out as an excuse to bring the subject up and then they both started whining at me and nagging me that they pray every day that I'll phone them to say that I'm leaving my new job and going back to university (like thanks for the support and congratulations that I managed to get a job in the current market). My mum had arranged this on purpose so that I'd be stuck there unable to get away while they went on about it. This when I am supposed to be catching a plane! It upset me so much, they are not proud of anything I've achieved or anything I do. I mean, I don't know why my dad even cares that I finish the degree, when I told him I'd been accepted to university to study philosophy, instead of congratulations, his response was "Why? Couldn't you get accepted onto any other courses?" My mum also always belittled my course, for example if I ever said I was struggling to write an essay she'd say, "Oh just write 'who knows if we're here, this might all be a mirage,' thats all you ever talk about in philosophy isn't it?"

About the phone thing, my mum knows I am shy and hate talking to random people on the phone. I asked her why she couldn't call them herself and she said because she was driving, but we had just agreed to stop at the next service station and it was only minutes away, she was just making me do it to start a row, I am sure.

This job I have is only for one year, so afterwards I may need to stay with my parents for a while again and then I know it'll be like this all over again.

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

On Saturday, I moved abroad to start a new job. Previous to that, I had been living with my mother for a few months since finishing university. I had to fly from Belfast, which is 4 hours drive away from where we live. My mother decided she wanted to spend a couple of days in Belfast to visit some friends, so said she would drive me. I would have preferred to get public transport tbh, but since my mum was going there anyway now, I went with her.

On the drive, we had an argument. I was nervous about moving abroad and it was hot and uncomfortable on the drive, which may have played a part in making me more annoyed. But my mum was constantly nagging me all the way there, do this, do that, be careful, etc and saying the same things over and over. I asked her repeatedly to stop nagging me. It's not like I haven't lived abroad without her before, I did so before university as well and I survived. But she was doing other things. She kept demanding that I phone friends of hers along the journey to let them know when we'd be arriving. I hate talking to people I don't know very well on the phone, I feel stupid. I refused to call them and we argued about it. Then I phoned them, but one didn't answer. I told my mum they didn't answer and she started having a go at me for not leaving a message.

By the time we arrived at the airport, I was very annoyed, and my mum made it worse. I was hot and tired and desperately wanted to sit down, plus I was carrying all my heavy luggage. My mum decided she wanted a coffee and made me traipse all over the airport trying to find a cafe. There was an information desk there, I said "let's just ask them where a cafe is" but my mum refused and insisted that we wander around aimlessly. Then we met up with my dad who works away in Belfast and he said, "let's go out away from the airport for lunch together before you go," but of course I had to check in, how could I go off for lunch??! He looked very hurt and asked me why I was in a bad mood and I pointed to my mum and said, "because I've been trapped in a car with her for 4 hours!" My dad could see I was in a bad mood and decided to leave to go back to work. I hoped my mum would leave too but she insisted on staying, and when I said it was time for me to go and check in, she asked me to wait until her friend arrived! I waited as long as I could to shut her up, and ended up only just making it through customs in time!

Anyway, that was 3 days ago, and today I emailed my mum to ask if she could send my post on to me. She emailed back that she would, but first wrote a great long essay about how my bad behaviour on the journey had hurt and upset her and my dad. I know what my mum is like, she drags arguments out endlessly. I would gladly just never speak of it again, but whenever my mum is angry at someone she drags it out forever. She hasn't even spoken to her own sister in years, and can't remember why. Anyway, I am not going to apologise; I may have been bad-tempered, but seriously can you blame me?

How can I respond to the email and get my post without agreeing that I was in the wrong, or accepting her comments about my bad behaviour?

Seriously OP, you are in the wrong here, you behaved like a bold child. Most mothers annoy their grown up children a bit when fussing over them. You're lucky she cares about you.

Firstly, why would you prefer public transport? Would it have been easier for you to drag your luggage to a train/bus station, then try get yourself a seat (possible next to someone you find even more annoying than your mother). You make it sound like you did her a favour by going with her :rolleyes:

It's not your mothers fault you were and uncomfortable(no doubt you would have been more so in public transport). She was on the same journey and had the added task of driving. And so what if she was concerned about you moving, why not let her fuss over you for a bit, it was obviously the last time she was going to see you for a bit. And as for being afraid to talk to people on the phone... wtf, grow up. You'll have to do it plenty of times in yoru life so you might as well get used to it. She was driving so it was obviously unsafe for her to make the calls herself. Deal with it.

If you wanted to ask information where a cafe was you should have done it yourself. You're supposed to be grown up yet you can't even go to an information desk ?

You're behaviour when your father arrived really is appauling, fair enough you didn't have time. You could have pointed it out nicely and suggested somewhere in the airport. I find it shocking that you pointed at your mother and said you'd been trapped in the car 4 hours. You might as well have stamped your feet and screamed. Obviously your father had the sense not to hang around and indulge your obnoxious behaviour. If I was your mother I would have also left at that point, but no she obviously didn't want to leave things on a bad note.

YOU OWE HER AN APOLOGY. I suggest you send an email explaining you were nervous etc and should not have treated them both like that.

LegacyUser

Firstly, why would you prefer public transport? Would it have been easier for you to drag your luggage to a train/bus station, then try get yourself a seat (possible next to someone you find even more annoying than your mother). You make it sound like you did her a favour by going with her :rolleyes:
I have always preferred public transport over going with her. There's a bus direct to the airport from only 2 streets away from my house so it would not have been difficult. I hate going in the car with her, she has always used it as an excuse to trap me and my sister so that she can scream at us or lecture us without us being able to get away. She has done this since we were young, as soon as I was old enough I started getting the bus to school rather than be driven by her.

It's not your mothers fault you were and uncomfortable(no doubt you would have been more so in public transport).
I think it was her fault. a - she insisted i go with her
b - she refused to allow me to open the window athough it was boiling.
c - she refused to allow me to move my seat back for no apparent reason
d - she refused to allow me to sleep although i was knackered
at least on public transport i could have slept and been left in peace.


She was on the same journey and had the added task of driving.
Her choice, she wanted to go to see friends.


And so what if she was concerned about you moving, why not let her fuss over you for a bit, it was obviously the last time she was going to see you for a bit.
I have lived abroad before and been away at university and she never made this fuss before. she only went there because she wanted to meet her friends and get my dad to nag me about university.



And as for being afraid to talk to people on the phone... wtf, grow up. You'll have to do it plenty of times in yoru life so you might as well get used to it. She was driving so it was obviously unsafe for her to make the calls herself. Deal with it.
we were about to stop at a service station, she could have done it herself. they did not need to be called that second. if i asked her to call friends of mine i am sure she would not.

If you wanted to ask information where a cafe was you should have done it yourself. You're supposed to be grown up yet you can't even go to an information desk ?
I was going to ask them but my mother refused to allow it and insisted we wander around ourselves. you know why she wouldn't allow it? because she doesn't like talking to random people she doesn't know and didn't even want to be there when i did it. it's ok for her to avoid that but not ok for me to not want to talk to random people on the phone. it was the same problem when i was trying to find where to check in. she didn't even want me to ask the people who work there and instead wander around searching.

You're behaviour when your father arrived really is appauling, fair enough you didn't have time. You could have pointed it out nicely and suggested somewhere in the airport. I find it shocking that you pointed at your mother and said you'd been trapped in the car 4 hours. Well I was already annoyed and her tricking me into a meeting so they could go on at me about university was the final straw, I was furious.

YOU OWE HER AN APOLOGY. [\quote]

I think she owes me one for the diploma thing at least.

Firetrap

Are you always as horrible as this towards your parents? I can see how you can be frustrated at them but you should bear in mind that they mean well. You might not always agree with what they're saying but try to bear in mind that they're doing it out of concern for you.

I think you should apologise to your parents for your appalling behaviour. OK, so your mum irritated you but as the others here have pointed out, many parents tend to see their adult offspring as kids from time to time. You would be better off letting moments like that just sail over your head instead of getting angry.

Even if you think your mum's in the wrong, you should apologise for diplomacy purposes. What good is feuding with your parents going to do? You are lucky to have parents who love you and care about you.

tbh

Unregistered wrote: »

I think she owes me one for the diploma thing at least.

she probably does. But let's say she doesn't give it, what are you going to do then? You're going to have to be realistic about this. You know what she's like, you just have to credit it to love. What's punishing her going to achieve? Will she change? Just make friends with her, and roll your eyes.

LegacyUser

I am not sure they're just doing it because they want the best for me. My mum says she wants a graduation picture so she can brag to her friends. Its obviously not going to help me in life. And she has always said, "I have to love you because you're my child but I don't like you." She was always tricking me into thinking she would take me to a children's home if I left toys on my bedroom floor or any other minor faults, once she even packed my bags and drove me away to really trick me, and you know what I was disappointed when I realised I wasn't really going to a childrens home. She was aways threatening to leave me and my sister when she was in a bad mood. Once, when we were about 9 and 6 she actually drove away and left us, saying she was never coming back. after a few hours we called our grandparents to come and take care of us and when my mum got back hours later she was actually pissed off that we had involved them! So she is really not all sweetness and light. She has always tried to make us feel bad. My sister weighed 23 stone by the age of 22. The doctor told her that if she didn't lose weight she would be dead by the age of 30. Did my mum help her diet? NO! Whenever my sister tried to diet, my mum would always get her off rack by offering to buy her favourite takeaways and keeping her favourite sweets in the house. My dad always said that he wished we were boys so that he could cane us.

Anyway, I wrote an email to her just now explaining that I am upset because of the diploma thing and because I had wanted them to wish me well on my journey instead of making me feel bad that I'm not the graduate they want me to be. I hope she will just accept that and leave it at that.

kjl

wow, that's your mother you talking about, why were you nervous, sounds like a cop out for you being non tolerant of mummly advice

get over yourself, ring her and say sorry and that you love her. otherwise you need you head examined

Pythia

Unfortunately with these things you either have to back down yourself or stand your ground and let it drag on. I know because my mother did some horrendous things and I won't back down, therefore we don't speak.

Firetrap

Aha. The full picture is emerging. Look, even though your mum p#sses you off, feuding with her is going to bring you nothing but hardship. If you have the guts to back off on this one and apologise, it will make life a lot easier for both of you. You won't be seeing as much of your mother from now on and it would be better if you remained on speaking terms. Are you going to come home at Christmas? To visit friends? If you've got a festering feud with your parents it's going to make life bloody awkward for you.

martdalto

c - she refused to allow me to move my seat back for no apparent reason

Ok, this is where she being the mother and you being the child got out of hand!!

My mother still treats me like a child.. I'm 32 with 3 kids!

But I do think from the sound of it, you were also acting childishly, so she treated you like a child.

As someone else mentioned, parents and children can revert to just that when they are in each others company. You know need to "train" your mother into thinking of you as an adult... and you won't succeed at that by sulking, and being huffy

I pointed to my mum and said, "because I've been trapped in a car with her for 4 hours!"

and acting childish.

You could still have let her know you were annoyed, without regressing to a stoppy 13 year old!

I hope she accepts that you were annoyed, but I hope you accept that you were rude... would you have spoken to a friend or aunt of uncle etc if they were acting the same? (out of concern and love)

Ickle Magoo

Just be honest with your Mum, tell her "you were annoying & I was grouchy, let's move on"...

My Mum still occasionally lapses into mother talking to teenager mode when we see each other and for a while it caused issues. Now I just giggle & give her a kiss and make a joke out of it. If you genuinely don't get on with your parents then get independent asap - find alternatives to living with them, at least. I've never gotten on with my parents better now that I live in a different country! :pac:

padz

how old are ur folks?it sounds like there loosing ther minds, my old pair can be a bit mental at times,to the point where its funny:) do u reely need the post, if its bills leave it with them:) or jus tell them to scann the letters 0nto u...if u know what it its ie formal stuff, handy job &it gives them something to do for u, folks love helpin out jus direct them in the right way but the way ur discribing it they sound a bit looney&if ther elderly like my pair u jus gotta go along with their mad ideas...lets get a picknick...oh **** its raining lol gotta love em:)

ps the coffee senario sounds insane,ur ther to catch a filght not hang about, of course it depends on how much time u had but ya checkin in is the first thing u wanted&Needed, she was being selfish&if ur mum was out of line she should apologies to u& should be respecting u that ur off doin ur own thing, its a two way street,
i couldnt handle a controlling parent like the way u discribe but u coulda jus been flusterd&it seamed worse that it was,...revisit the events in ur head&ull know where ur mum was wrong&maybe u reacted its important for her to respect urself too

from her point of view she prob wanted a coffee&to relax with u b4 u left, from ur point of view u need to check in b4 u can relax AT ALL, think thats where it all went pearshaped was it?

puglover

OP you acted like a spoilt brat. If you are going to act like a child you're parents are going to continue to treat you like one.

You have no idea what your mothers reasons are for bringing along the diploma was. How do you know it wasn't so that herself and your dad could give it to you and celebrate with a nice lunch?

You sound very immature and I think you have a lot more growing up to do.

OS119

OP, you don't like your parents - they sound like complete tossers to me - and they don't like you.

why, therefore, should you give the faintest sh*t?

arrange a redirection of your post, contact those who might send you letters - the bank etc... - and then get on with your life without the baleful influence of people you can't stand.

FFS.

LegacyUser

puglover wrote: »

You have no idea what your mothers reasons are for bringing along the diploma was. How do you know it wasn't so that herself and your dad could give it to you and celebrate with a nice lunch?

The diploma was sent from the university to me, it is me who gave it to my mother, why would they give it back to me? I gave it to my mother because I don't want or need it and I thought she might want it. Celebrate with a nice lunch? They knew full well I had a plane to catch, where am I going to find time to celebrate with a nice lunch? It was pretty obvious why they had brought the diploma, when instead of congratulating me, they began wailing in public about how it wasn't a full degree and begging me to forget my plans of moving abroad instead of wishing me well. I have had to deal with that my whole life, everything I've ever done, they have never said they're proud of me. Years ago, when I qualified in a professional field instead of taking a university degree at that time, I overheard my mum on the phone being derogatory about my qualification because it wasn't a degree. How would you like it if your parents were never proud of you, despite you achieving things? They would rather be able to brag about my achievements to their friends than for me to actually be happy.

LegacyUser

I also forgot to say that I would gladly just not speak to them for a while to cool off, but my mum said that if I do not respond to her emails, she will call interpol and report me missing. Can you imagine what my new housemates and employers would think if the police turned up looking for me?

tbh

Unregistered wrote: »

I also forgot to say that I would gladly just not speak to them for a while to cool off, but my mum said that if I do not respond to her emails, she will call interpol and report me missing. Can you imagine what my new housemates and employers would think if the police turned up looking for me?

call her bluff. It's not you that will get done for wasting police time. It sounds like you and your parents can't get along at the moment, so just get on with your life and let them do what they need to do.

LegacyUser

Ok firstly I think some of you responders are well out of line telling being so critical on the OP. I would LOVE to see an age and sex profile of the responders here because this picture you are painting sounds very OIrish and paints a picture that would be very familiar to people of certain ages. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

There is something very dysfunctional in the irish family mindset that I feel is captured in your description of how your parents act. Some of it is very familiar to me. It was only after living abroad that I saw this I might add. Some of what you are describing is in the emotionally abusive category - particularly the stuff about threatening to leave you and your sister. Very oldschool catholic Ireland. Laying on the guilt. You need to develop immunity to guilt trips. My mum used to pull this on me and I've had the if you don't do X I'll leave and its your fault. I've been sick too. When I was sick and studying and dependent on them I got the whole 'if you don't do X we'll cut you off'. My response, something I learned over the years, was to stay calm as anything, look her straight in the eye and say with absolute conviction....because I absolutely meant it even thou it would have been near impossibly hard to do - 'fine, go ahead, I'll get a job'. Pretty soon these kin of threats stopped being made because they lost any power. Now that being said -this is a confrontationl route to take....but I'm not sure there's an alternative. In the long run, I mean a couple of years down the line I ahve a much more friend-to-friend relationship with my folks as oppsoed to parent-to-child.

Unregistered wrote: »

I also forgot to say that I would gladly just not speak to them for a while to cool off, but my mum said that if I do not respond to her emails, she will call interpol and report me missing. Can you imagine what my new housemates and employers would think if the police turned up looking for me?

Wow. ok no offence meant to you but this made me laugh a little bit as its so over the top. Is your mum for real? Would she like to be all over the news ? Seriosuly write her back and tell her that you'll email when you can but if you are busy/away on the weekend trip or whatever it might take you a little while and that if she wants to call interpol fine, but they don't take kindly to people wasting police time and what would the neighbours think about that ?

Oh and congrats on your qualification, and your diploma and on getting a job abroad - I hope its somewhere nice. Whilst its nice to ahve your folks be proud of you - realise that you don't need it - you only need to be confident in your own achievements.

Good luck.

tbh

Unregistered wrote: »

Ok firstly I think some of you responders are well out of line telling being so critical on the OP. I would LOVE to see an age and sex profile of the responders here because this picture you are painting sounds very OIrish and paints a picture that would be very familiar to people of certain ages. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

When you post under your own name, feel free to question other posters backgrounds.

OS119

Unregistered wrote: »

I also forgot to say that I would gladly just not speak to them for a while to cool off, but my mum said that if I do not respond to her emails, she will call interpol and report me missing. Can you imagine what my new housemates and employers would think if the police turned up looking for me?

OP, when your mum gets arrested for wasting police time - coz that's what happens when stupid people play with phones - you can laugh your tits off.

you could also contact a solicitor - in Ireland or your new country of residence, depending on who has the 'best' harrasment laws - and get a snotty letter sent.

off. smile. wipe. face. that'll. her. the.

you are an adult, and that means two things: you are responsible for your actions, and you have the right to choose who you are and are not friends with.

K_P

OP, while some of the posts here have been quite harsh, they have a grain of truth in them. Your mother has certain ways of behaving towards you which you have little control over. What you do have control over is the way you respond to her, which at the moment is childishly, reinforcing the patterns of behaviour you've had with each other all your life.

Her word is not law and you need to start seeing that. Ok, it's only a small thing, but your reason for not asking someone in the airport where the cafe was is because "she wouldn't allow it". Tough. Ask someone anyway. If she complains that you shouldn't have, ignore her, change the subject, start talking about something else.

If you didn't want to go in the car with her to the airport, you should have booked a train or bus yourself, been firm with her, thank her for the offer but tell her in no uncertain terms you would make your own way.

As for her threats regarding Interpol, send her an email reply. Tell her you're getting on fine and you will be in touch again by email in X number of days and leave it at that. Don't bring up what happened in the airport. You'll both end up in an argument again, getting up set and resolving nothing.

Your mother is highly unlikely to change. What you need to do is leave all the stories about how awful she was in the past, in the past. Forget about them and move on. You're grown up now and if you start acting like one, your mother just might start treating you like one. No guarantees that she will, but it's better than carrying on as ye are.

It'll feel weird and very tempting to revert back to your old ways, getting drawn into arguments and all that. You need to stand up to her, be polite but be firm. No more whining about stuff that happened 20 years ago, no more tantrums, no more putting up with her stupid demands and threats just because she says so. Be calm, be polite and be firm.

padz

you know what might help, send her a link of this thread& see what she thinks, she will no doubt realise how much this has effected you&that its created a ton of responses, best of luck with ur new home&hope things works out with d Mud.... thats what id do anyway,... 'hi mum check this page out&email me back'

Amazotheamazing

If you want to be treated like an adult, stop acting like a child.

Honestly, sulking is never the answer, neither is being rude or whining, but they seem to the things you use to express yourself.

Xephon

I have to admit, i found some of the reply's abit shocking too..
All hail mommy! thou shall not question mommys rule type of thing...

Ok anyone can see the OP isn't a child so what alot of people are stating is that an adult "OP" isn't allowed to have a bad day around his/her parents? and react as such? without be considered a brat? lol...

Were all human, if anything the mother should have taken a much better note of these signs and changed her tone to be more supportive to the OP's needs, instead the mother focused on her own needs while the OP was already in a bad mood. I mean the OP's dad was quick enough to read the signs and back off, so why couldn't the mother?

All the same OP i wouldn't lose contact with your perents over this.
Stand your ground with your mom and tell her why you reacted as such, (its not apoligising) but explaining in an adult manner that you felt pushed at points you needed to stop...preety much your post here would be a good reply as to why you were upset in the first place.
Also remember things can be said in the heat of a moment that are never truly ment, if anything i think your dad does deserve an apoligy for offering lunch and getting snaped at :P don't you?

tbh

Xephon wrote: »

I have to admit, i found some of the reply's abit shocking too..
All hail mommy! thou shall not question mommys rule type of thing...

what would be the point? what would it achieve? by reacting, he's letting his mam dictate how he behaves. What's the point in that?

Ickle Magoo

Unregistered wrote: »

I also forgot to say that I would gladly just not speak to them for a while to cool off, but my mum said that if I do not respond to her emails, she will call interpol and report me missing. Can you imagine what my new housemates and employers would think if the police turned up looking for me?

Seriously, I wouldn't even dignify that threat with an answer.

It's just another controlling tactic and if you reply with demands of being a grown up now & she has no right to blah, blah, blah then you will just reinforce her thinking & the merry-go-round will just keep going around. You cannot change the way your mother acts towards you, the only thing you have control of is your reaction to her. Use that control to break the cycle by doing the thing she leasts expects and ignoring the silly things she comes out with, assert your independence by being giving yourself permission to act without her say so and make sure you call whomever is sending you important mail and get it sent to your present address or a PO box.

Best of luck

puglover

The Op is acting like a child and I don't blame her parents for treatinf her like one.

Tis all very well her deciding not to heed their advice now when they are trying to get her to go back to college(they are dead right, it's probably the last year she'll be able to avail of free fees), but who will she expect to put a roof over her head when her contract ends in 12 months???

OP you have a lot of growing up to do. What would you do in 12 months if you're parents told you to feck off and stand on your own two feet. I'm telling you, you'd see what the real world is like then and wouldn't be so quick to treat them like you have.

LegacyUser

OP you have a lot of growing up to do. What would you do in 12 months if you're parents told you to feck off and stand on your own two feet. I'm telling you, you'd see what the real world is like then and wouldn't be so quick to treat them like you have.


I have been living in the "real world" for years. I have been working and living away from them for years. I was only staying with them because I was sick and had just left university.

padz

puglover your way out of line, youve a lot of grown up to do, maybe u should get ur A$$ out of that seat,away from the computer screen,put the damm cookie jar down and get on with your own life, god u must have little to be doing do u?, im goin to my spinning class now,i suggest you do something worthwhile with your time other than b!tching at someone you dont even even know,.... oh by the way hows your momma doin?

Xephon

tbh wrote: »

what would be the point? what would it achieve? by reacting, he's letting his mam dictate how he behaves. What's the point in that?

Which is exactly the problem is it not?
He should not be Letting his mother dictate him anymore.
Perants happen to be regular adults too who know best for us up until the point we make our own decisions and deal with our own problems in life.

After that they can only support or hamper us.
Being threated like a child, nagged at and not listened to, on the day you move away is not something i would consider in the support catagory.

The Recliner

Padz if you have a problem with a post then use the report post button

Do not have a go at another poster like that, banned for a week

puglover

padz wrote: »

puglover your way out of line, youve a lot of grown up to do, maybe u should get ur A$$ out of that seat,away from the computer screen,put the damm cookie jar down and get on with your own life, god u must have little to be doing do u?, im goin to my spinning class now,i suggest you do something worthwhile with your time other than b!tching at someone you dont even even know,.... oh by the way hows your momma doin?

:pac: ROFL

tbh

Xephon wrote: »

Which is exactly the problem is it not?
He should not be Letting his mother dictate him anymore.
Perants happen to be regular adults too who know best for us up until the point we make our own decisions and deal with our own problems in life.

After that they can only support or hamper us.
Being threated like a child, nagged at and not listened to, on the day you move away is not something i would consider in the support catagory.

yeah - I know where you're coming from. I see that the OP has two options here, to fight their parents in order to prove a point (which in fairness, is probably a valid point), or just roll their eyes and say "yes mam, no mam, I'm sorry mam".

My opinion is you might as well just go with the second one, because it's less hassle all round. If it were his/her other half he (or she) was talking about, my answer would be different, but as its their mam, who they won't be seeing a whole lot of, then just take the path of least resistance. IMO anyway

The Recliner

puglover wrote: »

:pac: ROFL

Puglover please don't respond to something like that again

I am half thinking about getting the likes of ROFL and Lollers and :pac: and :rolleyes: added to the PI charter as bannable offences

Anyway please keep to the topic of the thread

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

OP you have a lot of growing up to do. What would you do in 12 months if you're parents told you to feck off and stand on your own two feet. I'm telling you, you'd see what the real world is like then and wouldn't be so quick to treat them like you have.


I have been living in the "real world" for years. I have been working and living away from them for years. I was only staying with them because I was sick and had just left university.

No you're not because you are relying on the safety net of being able to go back home when the going gets tough.

Aren't you lucky they let you stay with them while you are sick. And you've said yourself you'll probably be back there again once your contract ends. Lets hope they let you this time or you'll be out on your ass.

LegacyUser

I'm pretty sure that in the "real world" most family members would allow someone who was so sick they could hardly move to stay with them. It's hardly a favour for a parent to shelter their sick child, when they are too old to look after themselves, I won't see them out in the street.

And if I couldn't stay with them when my contract ends, so what? I'll make alternative arrangements. In fact I think I will do that anyway.

puglover

Pimpey wrote: »

Puglover please don't respond to something like that again

I am half thinking about getting the likes of ROFL and Lollers and :pac: and :rolleyes: added to the PI charter as bannable offences

Anyway please keep to the topic of the thread

Apologies

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm pretty sure that in the "real world" most family members would allow someone who was so sick they could hardly move to stay with them. It's hardly a favour for a parent to shelter their sick child, when they are too old to look after themselves, I won't see them out in the street.

I'll make alternative arrangements. In fact I think I will do that anyway.

Not everyone is that lucky no. And yes they did do you a massive favour...btw you're not a child.

martdalto

OP, I posted my last reply, while you were posting the one about how badly you & your sister have been treated by your parents as kids.

The title you put on this thread is "How to end this....?"

Can I ask, do you really want to end it? Do you care what they think of you? Do you want a relatinoship with them? Or do you just want to get along on your own and not be bothered by them anymore?

I think at this stage in your life it might be time to seek some counselling for the years of what you've put up with and heard from your parents. It won't "fix" it, but it might get some things striaght in your head, and it might point you in the direction you want to go, and give you help in getting there. (who knows, maybe they thought they were being funny?)

Your parents aren't going to change.
You're not going to be able to change them.
But you can change how you react around them, and maybe even change your expectations of them.

At the moment, your expectations of them are higher than they are ever going to achieve, without a change in dynamics, and has been mentioned, you can't change them, only yourself.

Maybe find someone you can talk to, who can help you sort though what it is you want/need/expect from them.

Good Luck in the job, I hope things work out for you when you get back.