BF grabbed me by the hair

Nevyn

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Thaedydal

LegacyUser

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned it yet but she's moving to the UK right?

Maybe he's not thrilled at the idea, he's much older than she is and is probably looking for a permanent partner whereas she's still young, going to college having a laugh and he seems to be trying to settle down somewhat. Is he resentful of this and her attitude that he should take time off work to come help her settle in, he might be annoyed at her attitude that he should get up and go just because she wants him to? Does he see it as the end of their relationship because she'll be too far away? I don't know but I think the OP could certainly be responsible for this outburst and it may not have even been that physical, I know none of us can say for sure but he may have done it reasonably gently and to get across the point that she was bugging the hell out of him.

All this "oh you should never physically abuse your partner" is fair enough and I agree but this doesn't seem to be in that catagory really and it seems that there's been a lot of anger and frustration building up on his part and I reckon its because of her constant nit picking and nagging as well as this big change in her life that he may never have been asked about. Maybe I'm wrong but I think its not so clear cut and there's more to it than she claims.

However I will say that yes this relationship seems to be on the way out and they both seem to want different things in my opinion. So either they both sit down and talk about what they want from each other or things might just get worse.

LegacyUser

For your own safety, stay away from him! All abusive partners follow the same pattern, if they can get away with the first incident they increase their actions. Once your partner cross the line, there´s no way back. And there's nothing you can do...it´s a psychological problem they have, and you cannot help them.

It's better safe than sorry, just leave and try to get over him. If your partner hurts you, he DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!!!!

I'm going through this myself at the moment, and I´m packed and gone. I miss his company and the nice side of him, but unfortunately he crossed the line.

I know it´s tough, but we deserve better sweetheart x

KittyeeTrix

He should've never grabbed her by the hair........End of:mad:

I don't give a damn if she provoked him to the hilt, he responded with physical force and in my eyes that is just plain wrong....She's obviously fought back and dug her nails in to get him off her.

They shouldn't be together and that's just the plain facts.

If someone did that to me I would have retaliated too but I certainly wouldn't need to ask any advice on what to do next. I'd be way gone.

If anyone raises their hands to you, male or female, get the hell away from them....

Toots

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

He should've never grabbed her by the hair........End of:mad:

I don't give a damn if she provoked him to the hilt, he responded with physical force and in my eyes that is just plain wrong....She's obviously fought back and dug her nails in to get him off her.

They shouldn't be together and that's just the plain facts.

If someone did that to me I would have retaliated too but I certainly wouldn't need to ask any advice on what to do next. I'd be way gone.

If anyone raises their hands to you, male or female, get the hell away from them....

QFT! the OP and her partner obviously push each other's buttons in a bad way. Gender doesn't really come into it, it sounds like they could both do with growing up a bit and also learning to communicate better. They're both in the wrong, but when it starts to get physical it's time to leave, for both their sakes.

blairbear

My only gripe with this whole "it's not a gender issue" argument, is that men are inherently stronger than women. I'm 5ft 4 and about 8 stone and not even strong by girly standards. Almost all of my ex-boyfriends have been well over 6ft and weighing on average 13 or 14 stone. Even if a guy is very average sized he's going to be more powerful than most women. So he can do a lot more damage even without realising it to a woman than she could, even if she hit him full force.

Obviously, it's totally unacceptable for either party in a relationship to be violent and the level of damage done psychologically or emotionally can't be measured by how much the abused party is physically hurt..an argument which in itself contradicts this whole "oh it doesn't sound like he used much brute force/didn't hurt her much" train of thought.

Terodil

blairbear wrote: »

My only gripe with this whole "it's not a gender issue" argument, is that men are inherently stronger than women. I'm 5ft 4 and about 8 stone and not even strong by girly standards. Almost all of my ex-boyfriends have been well over 6ft and weighing on average 13 or 14 stone. Even if a guy is very average sized he's going to be more powerful than most women. So he can do a lot more damage even without realising it to a woman than she could, even if she hit him full force.

So you are arguing that because person A COULD do something, he is automatically worse than person B who could not, regardless of whether A actually uses the force or not?

I hear this argument again and again and again and it's driving me up the wall. You cannot judge people for having the potential to do something, you can only judge them for stuff they actually do. And while I'm not condoning either the OP or her partner, I must say that drawing blood by clever choice of point/method of attack sounds wrong too -- and that does not depend on physical force, at all. The weakest woman can deliver a devastating blow to the nuts or gouge out the eyes, if she wanted to.

blairbear wrote: »

Obviously, it's totally unacceptable for either party in a relationship to be violent and the level of damage done psychologically or emotionally can't be measured by how much the abused party is physically hurt..an argument which in itself contradicts this whole "oh it doesn't sound like he used much brute force/didn't hurt her much" train of thought.

Now that I agree with. But to judge the initial situation, I would dearly like to hear the other side too. It's oh-so-easy to jump up and yell 'physical abuse' here when we know practically nothing about the remainder of the history between the two.

As I said initially, it's a sad sad situation, I think it could be solved if both actually sat down, admitted all their mistakes and promised earnestly to each other that it's not going to happen again. This was a warning shot make no mistake... and I would understand it if either of them decided it was too much and left.

Oh The Humanity

OP, your boyfriend was wrong to do what he did. I don't think anyone would debate that. But you were also wrong. I am kind of getting the feeling there is more to this story than you are saying.

I think this would be a good time for you both to get out of this relationship as a line has been crossed here. I think you are the dominant decision maker in this relationship rather than the ingenue young girl you pruport to be. Do colour in the story a bit more please. What lead up to all this? Your leaving to go to college, how was that negotiated?

As I read your post I felt my own hackles rise at your carry on. You forced him to hug you, follow him around interfering with his peace of mind when he is trying to cook. Make selfish and unreasonable demands about him taking time off work to go over to the UK to settle you in when he's probably none too pleased about being thrust into a LDR.

You must admit you do sound very headwrecking. More like a needy, irritating child very concerned with your own needs and lacking an empathy or senitivity or awareness of another persons needs/rights.

He has the right not to hug you if he doesn't want to. He has the right to cook in peace in his own place without you nagging him. When a woman does this its quaintly called 'nagging' -when a man does it its called 'mental abuse' and control. :rolleyes:

I think you need to learn a lot about other peoples boundaries as you seem to march right over them quite cluelessly. It would stand you in good stead for your next relationship.

As I said, no one deserves to be physically hurt but remember you drew blood as well.

CDfm

Its a sad situation for the OP and her boyfriend but as has been pointed out both men and women can abuse their partners and mutual abuse accounts for a third of abuse cases according to the National Crime Council. Accord puts it at 48%.

No one is blaming the OP but asking her to examine her relationship before coming to a decision for her safety and for her happiness in this and future relationships.

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Research on domestic violence[/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
Ireland:
On Tuesday 5th July 2005 the National Crime Council (NCC), in association with the Economic and Social Research Institute (ESRI), published the first ever large scale study undertaken to give an overview of the nature, extent and impact of domestic abuse against women and men in intimate partner relationships in Ireland. Among the notable findings are:[/FONT]

• [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] 15% of women and 6% of men suffer severe domestic abuse[/FONT]
• [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]29% of women and 26% of men suffer domestic abuse when severe and
  minor abuse are combined[/FONT]
• [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]13% of women and 13% of men suffer physical abuse [/FONT]
• [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]29% of women (1 in 3) and only 5% of men (1 in 20) report to the Gardaí[/FONT]
• [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]49% of admissions to women’s refuges are Travellers (according to the 2002 census Travellers account for just 0.6% of the entire population) [/FONT]
• [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Of those turned away from refuges, 46% were for reasons other than
  the refuges being full.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]According to the Government Departments (Health and Justice) who have responsibilities in this area, the NCC study is the definitive piece of research on domestic violence in this country.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Other Irish research on domestic violence
The results of the NCC study relating to gender prevalence broadly reflect the findings of the three other two-sex studies carried out in this country (for ACCORD; MRCS and the Department of Health).[/FONT]

• [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The MRCS report (2001), based on a survey of 530 clients, found that, where domestic violence occurs, mutual violence accounts for 33% of cases, female perpetrated violence accounts for 41% and male perpetrated violence for 26%.[/FONT]
• [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Similarly, the ACCORD research (2003), based on a survey of 1500 clients, found that women were perpetrators in 30% of domestic violence cases, men were perpetrators in 23% of cases and mutual violence accounted for 48%. An interesting feature of this study, which involved couples attending counseling, was that 84% of women and 74% of men agreed with their partner’s response to this question, suggesting that the self-reported prevalence is quite reliable.[/FONT]

murfie

CDfm wrote: »

No one is blaming the OP but asking her to examine her relationship before coming to a decision for her safety and for her happiness in this and future relationships.

No need to examine the relationship, violence was used by him when he snapped. He put his hand on her in anger, that's a deal breaker and she needs to get out of the relationship as soon as she can.

Its a slippery slope from what he just did to all out abuse. You people need to stop making excuses for him, he could have just walked out of the room for 5 min to cool down but instead pulled her by the hair out of the room. Shocking stuff that a man would consider this justified actions to a argument.

castle

Go before you get really hurt, this will happen some day and you know it,moving to England is good karma for you,

CDfm

murfie wrote: »

No need to examine the relationship, violence was used by him when he snapped. He put his hand on her in anger, that's a deal breaker and she needs to get out of the relationship as soon as she can.

Its a slippery slope from what he just did to all out abuse. You people need to stop making excuses for him, he could have just walked out of the room for 5 min to cool down but instead pulled her by the hair out of the room. Shocking stuff that a man would consider this justified actions to a argument.

I find it difficult to understand your point. Some people have pointed out her abuse of him throughout the day and that she had initiated the events in the kitchen and had introduced physical violence into their sexual relationship.

I have not excused his actions-however you seem to absolve the OP.

I think the OP is an intelligent woman and has responsibility for her actions and as she has been honest enough to relate the events and posters are not being hard on her-I can't see why you don't look at her actions too.

murfie

CDfm wrote: »

I find it difficult to understand your point. Some people have pointed out her abuse of him throughout the day and that she had initiated the events in the kitchen and had introduced physical violence into their sexual relationship.

I have not excused his actions-however you seem to absolve the OP.

I think the OP is an intelligent woman and has responsibility for her actions and as she has been honest enough to relate the events and posters are not being hard on her-I can't see why you don't look at her actions too.

Are you for real, you are saying that her asking or giving out about the way he is cooking a dinner in anyway even a little bit justifies pulling her by the hair out of the room. I don't care how verbally aggressive she was with him, and from her account she wasn't that aggressive, there is no circumstances that he should have done what he did.

You can state all those statistics about how men are nearly just as abused and women but in the real world men need to be held to higher standards when is comes to physical violence in relationships for the plan fact that we can do much more damage to a woman.

I really dont care what she said to him, she should leave him. He is scum in my eyes.

Terodil

murfie wrote: »

You can state all those statistics about how men are nearly just as abused and women but in the real world men need to be held to higher standards when is comes to physical violence in relationships for the plan fact that we can do much more damage to a woman.

ROFL. I could have understood your post at least if you hadn't disqualified yourself *completely* with this. Double standards gogo?

I'm glad you're not active in either the legislation or the executive.

Nevyn

Right thats it thread closed, OP consider counselling and taking a good hard look at how you both negatively impace on each other.
The rest of you take the debate to humanities.