BF grabbed me by the hair

LegacyUser

Hi guys, I really need some advice, my head is so wrecked at the moment. And I'm sorry if this is long, but I want to give some background about the situation... I've been with my boyfriend nearly two years, and we've had a lot of ups and downs. Some I think were to be expected, because there is a 14 year age gap between us - I'm 24, he is 38, but looks and generally acts a lot younger.

The last few weeks in particular have been very rocky. I told him I didn't know what to do, because he is never affectionate, I have to drag it out of him. Today for example, I wanted him to give me a hug, and I was trying to pull his arms around me but he wouldn't move them and thought it was really funny. He also has been making me feel like there is something wrong with me because I'd be happy to make love every night I stay over (differs every week cos he works shifts but usually 2 or 3 times a week), he said I'm always 'gagging for it'. But anyway...

He picked me up today and things were grand, we went shopping, laughing and joking, went back to his house, and we had an argument over me moving to the UK in a few weeks to do a MSc. I wanted him to come over with me for a few days, even though it meant calling in sick for a day or two (I know deep down its unreasonable, but I'd really like him to be there for me while I get settled), but he refused and got angry with me. I was upset for a while but then I got over it and we spent the afternoon just watching tv, chilling out.

He went out to start cooking dinner, and I went into the kitchen to put something back in the press and I starting going on about how he was cooking, which I know is annoying. I have a thing about how food is cooked, I'm terrified of getting food poisoning, which drives him mental. So I was saying that stuff, and he grabbed a handful of my hair behind my neck (my hair was down) and walked into the sitting room and kinda half pushed, half put me down on the couch. I was saying ow, and get off, but he wouldn't let go so I was digging my nails in his arm to try and make him let go, and then did the same to his side. He called me a stupid cow and then when he saw that one of my nails had broken the skin he went mental, saying he was bringing me home and I had to learn I couldn't hurt him and get away with it. I was so angry at him I said something along the lines of 'good enough for you, that'll teach you not to put your f**king hands on me'.

So he goes 'oh, so its ok for you to do that to my arm?', and I was trying to explain to him that I did that because he was pulling me by my hair! He said he wasn't hurting me because I was walking along with him, but obviously I couldn't stand still if he was pulling my hair, it was too sore. I kept telling him that it did hurt, but he wouldn't accept it. I think at one stage he even tried to make out that it was my fault for going on and on about the food.

I then asked him to take me home, but he wouldn't until he'd eaten his dinner. While it was cooking he said to me how come he can pull my hair when we're having sex? I told him that it was completely different, that in that case he's not doing it in a spiteful way, and I know he will stop if I ask him. He told me that he only does it because it 'gets me off' and its a load of ****e and so pathetic that people need something like that to get turned on etc etc. Please don't get the impression that we have mad rough sex all the time, he'd pull my hair or stuff like that every once in a while, and I've told him not to do it if he doesn't like it. I dont 'need' it, its just something different.

So basically I don't know what to do. The rational part of my brain is telling me to cut and run, but when I think about leaving him I just start crying. Sometimes we mess-fight, and maybe he really did mean it in a kinda jokey way? When its good with him its lovely, and I feel so happy, but then stuff like this happens and I feel so bad. Any advice would be really appreciated.

x

LegacyUser

Cut and run you know it is the right thing to do. Moving to the UK is a great opportunity for you to end the relationship. No one should be put in the situation you were in.
You shouldn't have gone on to him about the food but he should not have done what he did and it crossed the line.
Your young and will get over him. It will be an exciting time for you in the UK making new friends etc.
Good luck.

king_of_inismac

First of all, I'm really sorry this happened to you. However, this is a very cut and dry situation.

He dragged you by your hair!! Do you think that's ever acceptable? What if you had a more serious argument? What would he do then?

If a friend or relative was in the same situation what would you advise them? You know you'd tell them to leave.

Yes, it is really difficult and painful, but deep down if you're honest with yourself, you know it's the right thing to do...

mbren

Listen to the rational part of your brain and dump him!!

Once physical abuse starts in a relationship it is time to cut your losses and get the hell out!

puglover

Alarm bells are going off here.

First off you should be able to talk to him about cooking without him going off on one. I advise my current bf when he is cooking, he gives me advice about my driving(I'm crap at driving). It's give and take and you shouldn't be afraid of broaching any subject and tbh something so insignificant shouldn't be such a big issue.

I can see so many similarities between him and my ex. There was also a big age gap( I sometimes wonder is it a control thing that he went for someone so much younger, I was young and impressionable when i started going out with him but by the time we broke up I'd gotten sense). In general he was controlling and manipulative, and he made me feel really bad about myself and useless a lot of the time. He also was not affectionate (unless he wanted sex) and I was always the one to initiate a kiss or cuddle. And like you said when it was good it was lovely, but I sometimes didn't even recognise the person he became.

He did that to me once. I forgave him and let it go because it was a once off and I felt I had maybe provoked him a bit. Another time he threw me to the ground but somehow managed to convince me that it was an accident. The next time he got really mad with me he held me up with both hands tightly around my neck. I passed out from lack of oxygen and woke up the next day not being able to move my neck, bruises the shape of his hands and swelling. He couldn't really explain that one away so I walked.

Don't give him a second chance.

Terodil

It's a sad, sad thing that happened, it sounds more like a quarrel between two kids than between adults. It sounds like a mini-rendition of 'The Rose Wars', like an escalation gotten out of hand.

I think you have two options now: To call it and cut the risk / the losses, or to try to make up and promise to each other never to do it again. I do think the second is an option, the whole series of events sounds so unbelievable and, sorry, childish (in the sense of playfulness/joking/hassling gone bad) that I cannot imagine it turning into a habit.

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

When its good with him its lovely, and I feel so happy, but then stuff like this happens and I feel so bad.

I'm presuming there are other incidents but probably not as bad as this one?

OP really, I've been there and you're post is worrying.

Relationships should not be that hard, it's really not supposed to be that way

Toots

OP, it sounds like deep down you know what you should do. TBH, no matter how much you were annoying him, he should have been able to restrain himself from actually becoming physically violent. No rational person would think it was ok to drag someone by the hair from one room to another just because they occassionally enjoy gentle hair pulling during sex. I think you should cut and run, the new start in the UK will be the perfect opportunity to make a clean break.

kjl

he sounds like an insecure looser, pulling hair to get turned on, what a tosser.

I think the age gap has given him false power over you in the relationship and he probably gets off on being the alpha male.

Ill also bet he doesn't listen to you when you argue with him.

He sounds like a total loser, the fact that he couldn't meet someone his own age and jumped on you, and is rough in bed, ditch him. Meet a nice guy you're own age who will treat you with respect and love, and not trying to be this super macho man.

I use the macho man thing to meet girls, but when I'm in love with the I treat them like angles.

Go to England, dump this guy and move on with your life. Be as grown up about it as you can, don't be like, I breaking up with you because you pulled my hair. Tell him you no longer wish to see him, you don't feel you owe him a reason and that you never wish to see or hear from him again.

Normally I would be telling people to give it another go to be sure, but your post seems fairly clear that this guy has not respect for you.

GL with you course in England

Sephiroth_dude

Pulled you by the hair into the sitting room,what a bastard,I'd run for the hills if I were you.There was no need to do that at all.

R.D. aka MR.D

Leave him now. This will only get worse if you stay with him This is not acceptable. If you want to break up with him and you are worried then do it in a park or somewhere where you can walk away and not have to see him alone again.

This is not Okay. You need to leave him. No second chances. Leave.

Your going to the UK and you can meet some one there and start a great new life.

You don't deserve this. Once you cut ties you'll realise that life moves on. You'll be fine without him.

seachto7

Run. Dump him. Best thing you are doing now is going to the UK. Any fella who lays a finger on a woman or even raises his hand to her is scum in my eyes. Sorry to say that. No excuses.....Give him the road...

Chucky the tree

puglover wrote: »

Alarm bells are going off here.

First off you should be able to talk to him about cooking without him going off on one. I advise my current bf when he is cooking, he gives me advice about my driving(I'm crap at driving). It's give and take and you shouldn't be afraid of broaching any subject and tbh something so insignificant shouldn't be such a big issue.

There's a massive difference between giving advice and nagging, to me it sounds like OP was nagging him. It also sounds like she does it constantly as well. I'm not saying the OP's fella was right but for future relationship the OP should learn a few things for her own side about this experience. If you're a massive food cleanliness freak then cock you're own food instead of watching over you're bf shoulder telling him how it should be cocked. I find it strange that OP knows she says things that she shouldn't and that are annoying but she still does it like with the sick days and the cocking.

kjl wrote: »

he sounds like an insecure looser, pulling hair to get turned on, what a tosser.

I think the age gap has given him false power over you in the relationship and he probably gets off on being the alpha male.

Ill also bet he doesn't listen to you when you argue with him.

He sounds like a total loser, the fact that he couldn't meet someone his own age and jumped on you, and is rough in bed, ditch him. Meet a nice guy you're own age who will treat you with respect and love, and not trying to be this super macho man.

I use the macho man thing to meet girls, but when I'm in love with the I treat them like angles.

A+ on reading comprehension.

CDfm

I do think this has blown up out of proportion.

The hairpulling was one of a series of events that arose from a days squabling. I am not saying I condone it in any way. Words provocatively used can be very cutting and wounding and I understand that 50% of DV incidents are mutual violence.

OP you have to decide whether you love the guy and if there are issues you both have which aggravate the other then you need to deal with them if you are going to stay together.

Of course, putting him under pressure to fabricate a sickie is wrong especially given the risks to his employment if he is found out. I am not saying you were being an A1 b**** only you can answer that.

So you need to appraise the situation between you both and decide what you want.

legend365

OP he sounds a complete tosser...and that was before you got to the 'hair pulling' part.

Not being affectionate, picking fights with you over stupid things, saying your 'gagging' for it...the man is giving out about having sex with you.

I'd say forget him.

Start fresh when you go to england. Leave him in the past.

Coffee Addict

I am sorry to say this but get out now!
You have a great opportunity going to the UK to get away from him & have a fresh start meeting new people & not have constant reminders of him.
Best of luck, but please do not bring him with you!

LegacyUser

Dump him and cut all contact. I might be hard at first but not as hard as being in an abusive relationship for the rest of you life.

pookie82

Ok this is going to be controversial but I think it sounds like you were alternating between sulking and nagging all day. He shouldn't have laid a hand on you but perhaps you contributed hugely to him snapping. Again, I'm not saying he was CORRECT to touch you, I'm just saying it sounds like he has a temper and you are skilled in bringing out the worst in him. Sounds to me like something in your behaviour or relationship has been getting him down for ages and it all came to a head. Your request for him to fake sick leave to indulge your moving away from him and to help you settle in, in an economic climate like this where jobs are incredibly valuable and never worth risking, is simply baffling. If you're nagging and sulking about this you must be driving him crazy.

I would say take your UK break and use it as an opportunity to leave the relationship. Sounds like he has a tendancy towards physical aggression and you're hitting all the wrong buttons at the moment. Not exactly a healthy ingredient for a relationship and certainly not one which is about to become long distance. I would get out of it.

Chucky the tree

legend365 wrote: »

OP he sounds a complete tosser...and that was before you got to the 'hair pulling' part.

Not being affectionate, picking fights with you over stupid things, saying your 'gagging' for it...the man is giving out about having sex with you.

I seriously must be reading the wrong OP or something. The only time the bf acts like a tosser is the hair pulling, everything else in the makes the OP sound like she's a bitch tbh.

The last few weeks in particular have been very rocky. I told him I didn't know what to do, because he is never affectionate, I have to drag it out of him. Today for example, I wanted him to give me a hug, and I was trying to pull his arms around me but he wouldn't move them and thought it was really funny. He also has been making me feel like there is something wrong with me because I'd be happy to make love every night I stay over (differs every week cos he works shifts but usually 2 or 3 times a week), he said I'm always 'gagging for it'. But anyway...

Why are you forcing him to be affectionate? It's been two years and he obviously isn't a affectionate guy. If it bothers you that much you should of ended it along time ago rather then forcing him to do something he doesn't like. The joys of going out with a near 40 year old, obviously he could of phrased it a lot better but hardly crime of the century.

He picked me up today and things were grand, we went shopping, laughing and joking, went back to his house, and we had an argument over me moving to the UK in a few weeks to do a MSc. I wanted him to come over with me for a few days, even though it meant calling in sick for a day or two (I know deep down its unreasonable, but I'd really like him to be there for me while I get settled), but he refused and got angry with me. I was upset for a while but then I got over it and we spent the afternoon just watching tv, chilling out.

You know deep down it's out of order to ask him to call into work sick for a few days yet you still bring it up and deliberately cause an argument over it and in a effort to guilt him into going? Emotional blackmail is always a great trait in a partner...:rolleyes:

He went out to start cooking dinner, and I went into the kitchen to put something back in the press and I starting going on about how he was cooking, which I know is annoying. I have a thing about how food is cooked, I'm terrified of getting food poisoning, which drives him mental.

Sure why stop at purposely pissing off you're bf twice in one day when the hat-trick is so close. Generally must people avoid doing things that piss of their partner where as you seem to take every opportunity available to do it. 3 times in one day you've done something which you already know you're partner doesnt like? I'm sorry but wtf? I'm not excusing what he did, it was bang out of order but you're hardly little miss innocent victim in all this either. If he just flipped the lid and told you to gtfo of his house you'd still probably be wondering why he acted like he did so maybe you should start taking a look at you're own actions in future if you don't want petty fights to boil over with future bf's.

pookie82

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I seriously must be reading the wrong OP or something. The only time the bf acts like a tosser is the hair pulling, everything else in the makes the OP sound like she's a bitch tbh.




Why are you forcing him to be affectionate? It's been two years and he obviously isn't a affectionate guy. If it bothers you that much you should of ended it along time ago rather then forcing him to do something he doesn't like. The joys of going out with a near 40 year old, obviously he could of phrased it a lot better but hardly crime of the century.



You know deep down it's out of order to ask him to call into work sick for a few days yet you still bring it up and deliberately cause an argument over it and in a effort to guilt him into going? Emotional blackmail is always a great trait in a partner...:rolleyes:



Sure why stop at purposely pissing off you're bf twice in one day when the hat-trick is so close. Generally must people avoid doing things that piss of their partner where as you seem to take every opportunity available to do it. 3 times in one day you've done something which you already know you're partner doesnt like? I'm sorry but wtf? I'm not excusing what he did, it was bang out of order but you're hardly little miss innocent victim in all this either. If he just flipped the lid and told you to gtfo of his house you'd still probably be wondering why he acted like he did so maybe you should start taking a look at you're own actions in future if you don't want petty fights to boil over with future bf's.

Very well said. OP has expectations about what she wants from a relationship. Fair enough. However, after a couple of years she knows that such expectations are not met by her OH for whatever reason (he's not affectionate enough/doesn't have as high a sex drive/won't risk his job to help her settle in in another country/doesn't cook food as she likes it). Instead of accepting this and maybe finishing things with him, or coming to terms with the fact that they're different in some areas and leaving it at that, she persists in nagging and demanding that he act as SHE wants him to act. The affection thing rang bells for me. Forcing someone to hug you? Something is not right there.

I say cut your losses and get out. You both clearly want different things.

blairbear

I can't BELIEVE people are coming down hard on the OP here. She obviously wrote her post trying to justify his actions, as many women do when they are treated badly. She's subconciously trying to convince herself that she in some way deserved this treatment. It's the classic case of domestic abuse. Women search for reasons why they are being treated appallingly because in their minds if it's their own fault, maybe he's not so bad and he can change.

OP, I couldn't care less how much other posters may disagree with me or argue on this because you are the focus. He sounds like an emotionally and physically abusive man. He pulled you by your hair when you guys were having a household disagreement. That is absolutely unacceptable. It's disgusting. For the love of god, GET AWAY from him. He'll hit you next. Nagging him a bit does not make you a bitch and justifies nothing.

CDfm

I do not condone the boyfriends actions.

My take on it is the OP was OTT all day - excited going to do her MSc etc and well she should as it is a major achievement. So the relationship will be a long distance relationship.He may not be happy about it and understandably so.

It sounded to me that the OP was doing the equivalent of the "are we there yet" all day. The boyfriend eventually bodily steered her from the kitchen to the couch. She sunk her nails in to him when this happened.

So if we are asking was his action reasonable you would have to be there.It is his kitchen and his house and he was probably absenting himself for a reason.I think its a bit of "move out of the kitchen you are wreckin my head" action which got out of hand but not very much so.

Is the b/f dangerous no - was he upset - yes - nagged - yes, lonely at the move to the UK -probably.

I dont think its was a happy day today but lets not loose the run of it.OP if you love the guy and feel comfortable with him try to work it out but loose the drama.

pookie82

blairbear wrote: »

I can't BELIEVE people are coming down hard on the OP here. She obviously wrote her post trying to justify his actions, as many women do when they are treated badly. She's subconciously trying to convince herself that she in some way deserved this treatment. It's the classic case of domestic abuse. Women search for reasons why they are being treated appallingly because in their minds if it's their own fault, maybe he's not so bad and he can change.

Not necessarily. I know where you're coming from - it's common in domestic violence situations for the abused to convince themselves - or be convinced by their abuser - that it's their fault. I knew that speaking up about what she possibly did to contribute to the situation would provoke a response like yours and that's understandable. Whilst I acknowledge again, as I have before, that his behaviour in being physically violent was in no way acceptable, I just wanted to point out that her actions in trying to change him and force him to travel with her/give her affection, etc did not reflect a healthy relationship and advised her to cut her losses.

In any case, all of the advice is ultimately the same. Leave. No one is suggesting that she stays and puts up with it.

Edit: With regard to my last comment, I've just seen that CDfm has suggested that they should try to work it out. It's ultimately up to the OP how she plays that one, I guess.

LegacyUser

I totally disagree with CDfm. Even IF (yes IF) the OP had been a nag/bitch/whatever there is no excuse for dragging her by the hair from room to another. This a assult. Her digging her nails into his are way an attempt to stop him from hurting her, self defence. Why would she want to stay in a relationship with an abusive man???

Run and never look back.

blairbear

CDfm wrote: »

Is the b/f dangerous no - was he upset - yes - nagged - yes, lonely at the move to the UK -probably.

I take on board that you don't condone the man's actions and fair enough, but I disagree with you on the above. I actually do think he sounds like a dangerous man. No man that I would consider decent, calm, and non-violent would lay a hand on a woman. If my boyfriend did the same, even if it was an isolated one-off incident, on the basis of that action alone, I'd consider him dangerous.

CDfm

pookie82 wrote: »

Edit: With regard to my last comment, I've just seen that CDfm has suggested that they should try to work it out. It's ultimately up to the OP how she plays that one, I guess.

The point is that both of them were emotional and there is fault on both sides. I can understand the OP and boyfriend at a human level. So while I am not trivialising it - we should not blow it out of proportion either. Fault on both sides but that doesn't make the OP or the b/f bad people. They seem fairly normal to me.

CDfm

blairbear wrote: »

I take on board that you don't condone the man's actions and fair enough, but I disagree with you on the above. I actually do think he sounds like a dangerous man. No man that I would consider decent, calm, and non-violent would lay a hand on a woman. If my boyfriend did the same, even if it was an isolated one-off incident, on the basis of that action alone, I'd consider him dangerous.

I am not saying he was right but he certainly does not sound dangerous.

It was an unhappy incident and emotional situation and the OP may have been very unreasonable and demanding too and verbally abusive.

Its unfair to characterise either of them on today.

LegacyUser

When a couple have a fight no matter who is right or wrong, no matter who caused it, what the reason etc it is never for a man to be violent. Dragging a woman from one room to another by the hair IS WRONG. It is violence.

Wagon

<typical boards bull>OH my god what a monser how DARE he leave him now the horrible bastard and call the guards</typical boards bull>

I'm very wary about threads like this because we only get one side of the story. For all we know it could have been provoked with constant nagging and complaining on your side, but it's still no excuse for violence. And i give the same advice to anyone (male or female) who experiences voilence in a relationship and that is to leave it. Because he probably doesn't love you or even like you very much.

metrovelvet

Yes it is wrong.

There are overall control issues operating in the day OP describes. And while it is wrong to drag someone by the hair, it sounds as if he was at breaking point with all the controlling she was doing all day long.

For one thing, what the hell are you doing trying to FORCE someone to hug you? Is this not some kind of assault? Maybe not phyisically but in some other more insidious way.

Taking of work to go to England with you? Yeah it would be nice, but it sounds like one more demand.

ANd the cooking... jesus christ when someone is cooking don't nag them. Nothing worse. If you were nagging me I would have tossed you out into the garden or called you a cab to go home.

Sounds like a co dependency thing that hit boiling point.

Would you say you are easy or hard to talk to? Generally what people tell their toddlers when they start acting out physically, is a gentle reminder to use their words. Its when words fail or fall on deaf or unreceptive ears that tempers are lost and the biting and the hairpulling or kicking starts.

I tend to agree with cdfm here, it doesn't sound too dangerous [were chunks pulled out of your hair btw? Im wondering the extent of the force behind it.] but it does sound highly disfunctional and if something doesnt give it could end up dangerous.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

When a couple have a fight no matter who is right or wrong, no matter who caused it, what the reason etc it is never for a man to be violent. Dragging a woman from one room to another by the hair IS WRONG. It is violence.

There was an argument in the kitchen and the OP said she picked up something and the OP indicates that it was highly charged about cooking .It is not her house and she is a guest and if she is asked to leave the kitchen she should leave.In fact, if she felt threatened she has a "duty to retreat" From the OPs description he may have felt he was using reasonable force.

How can any of us know if the boyfriend felt threatened?