BF grabbed me by the hair

Stheno

blairbear wrote: »

No man that I would consider decent, calm, and non-violent would lay a hand on a woman. If my boyfriend did the same, even if it was an isolated one-off incident, on the basis of that action alone, I'd consider him dangerous.

Same here, it took concentrated effort to move from one room to another holding someone by the hair, not essentially force, more using restraint to propel someone.

I'd cut and run if a guy did that to me.

It does however sound like a mutually destructive relationship, the OP knows what will wind up her bf/oh, and still engages in the behaviour, not that that excuses the physical assault/reaction of her boyfriend, but it's not a healthy relationship.

Stheno

Unregistered wrote: »

He went out to start cooking dinner, and I went into the kitchen to put something back in the press and I starting going on about how he was cooking, which I know is annoying. I have a thing about how food is cooked, I'm terrified of getting food poisoning, which drives him mental. So I was saying that stuff, and he grabbed a handful of my hair behind my neck (my hair was down) and walked into the sitting room and kinda half pushed, half put me down on the couch. I was saying ow, and get off, but he wouldn't let go so I was digging my nails in his arm to try and make him let go, and then did the same to his side.

CDfm wrote: »

There was an argument in the kitchen and the OP said she picked up something and the OP indicates that it was highly charged about cooking .It is not her house and she is a guest and if she is asked to leave the kitchen she should leave.In fact, if she felt threatened she has a "duty to retreat" From the OPs description he may have felt he was using reasonable force.

How can any of us know if the boyfriend felt threatened?

In fairness CDfm if you read the OP's post, and especially the bit about the kitchen as quoted above, there is nothing about the OP being asked to leave.

Yes she did dig her nails in to his arms and sides, once he grabbed her hair, so it was mutually violent, but he initiated the violence.

There's a difference between violent words in temper, and physically violent actions.

CDfm

nouggatti wrote: »

In fairness CDfm if you read the OP's post, and especially the bit about the kitchen as quoted above, there is nothing about the OP being asked to leave.

Yes she did dig her nails in to his arms and sides, once he grabbed her hair, so it was mutually violent, but he initiated the violence.

There's a difference between violent words in temper, and physically violent actions.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

In this instance I wouldn't say the OP is a reliable witness. Now I wouldn't do what the b/f did but in the heat of the argument who said what.

Nevyn

It looks like the communication and respect has broken down in the relationship on both sides. OP either look at fixing it or call it quits.

Stheno

CDfm wrote: »

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

In this instance I wouldn't say the OP is a reliable witness. Now I wouldn't do what the b/f did but in the heat of the argument who said what.

You are essentially justifying the bf's actions by making it acceptable to react as he did as the result of a verbal argument, frankly imo, if adults in a relationship are unable to have a heated discussion without it resulting in one exerting physical force over another in order to "win"/end the argument then that is not acceptable.

Far better for the OP to realise how her actions trigger negative reactions in her boyfriend, and for them both to discuss how their behaviours influence the other, rather than the actions which have resulted in this thread.

christina_x

CDfm wrote: »

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

In this instance I wouldn't say the OP is a reliable witness. Now I wouldn't do what the b/f did but in the heat of the argument who said what.

no matter what was said in the heat of the argument, he had no right to lay a finger on her. Even if she said some hurtful things during the argument, chances are he did too. If he loved her he would not have dragged her by her hair, and he certainly wouldn't of tried to convince her that it was her fault, he should have apologised like there was no tomorrow.

She should get out, if he gets away with it once, its basically permission to do it again.

metrovelvet

nouggatti wrote: »

You are essentially justifying the bf's actions by making it acceptable to react as he did as the result of a verbal argument, frankly imo, if adults in a relationship are unable to have a heated discussion without it resulting in one exerting physical force over another in order to "win"/end the argument then that is not acceptable.

Its a result of more than a verbal argument. Its the upshot of nagging and having someone controlling you all day and not using language to communicate effectively so that bf degrades himself and his gf by the hairpulling incident.

And what about the forced hug? I think that sums up the relationship right there.

Nevyn

There are always other options, he could have turned off the cooker and walked out of the kitchen and if needed went for a walk to come back and have a calm rational adult converstaion but he didn't. He should have show some restraint himself before phyically restraining her and moving her out of the kitchen.

Stheno

metrovelvet wrote: »

Its a result of more than a verbal argument. Its the upshot of nagging and having someone controlling you all day and not using language to communicate effectively so that bf degrades himself and his gf by the hairpulling incident.

And what about the forced hug? I think that sums up the relationship right there.

Yeah when the affection becomes forced/demanded, there is something very wrong, having been in a relationship where I swallowed the nausea when confronted with physical contact, I more than empathise with the OP's bf.

Thaedydal wrote: »

There are always other options, he could have turned off the cooker and walked out of the kitchen and if needed went for a walk to come back and have a calm rational adult converstaion but he didn't. He should have show some restraint himself before phyically restraining her and moving her out of the kitchen.

My thoughts exactly, far more options than using force. I've a hot temper, and am quick to anger, but have learned to calm that anger by taking a time out and rationalising my position.

It's the fact that physical force was used that disturbs me.

metrovelvet

Thaedydal wrote: »

There are always other options, he could have turned off the cooker and walked out of the kitchen and if needed went for a walk to come back and have a calm rational adult converstaion but he didn't. He should have show some restraint himself before phyically restraining her and moving her out of the kitchen.

Well this would make sense, my guess is he had been restraining himself for a while, and let it go too long and then the adrenaline went from naught to ninety in a matter of seconds.

Plus, why do I get the feeling that if he had left he would have been followed? Pure conjecture, but it's the picture Im getting.

Nevyn

well then at least she would be out of the ktichen and he could have then turned to her and said I am going back into the kitchen please stay here until I am done cooking.

Stheno

metrovelvet wrote: »

Well this would make sense, my guess is he had been restraining himself for a while, and let it go too long and then the adrenaline went from naught to ninety in a matter of seconds.

I'd be the same to be honest, but I'd restrain that red hot temper that makes me want to lash out and thump the living bejasus out of whomever is annoying me, and try to talk it through.

Plus, why do I get the feeling that if he had left he would have been followed? Pure conjecture, but it's the picture Im getting.

Same here, a bit too much of wanting to continue an argument but not in an adult way.

CDfm

christina_x wrote: »

no matter what was said in the heat of the argument, he had no right to lay a finger on her. Even if she said some hurtful things during the argument, chances are he did too. If he loved her he would not have dragged her by her hair, and he certainly wouldn't of tried to convince her that it was her fault, he should have apologised like there was no tomorrow.

She should get out, if he gets away with it once, its basically permission to do it again.

I couldn't deal with all that drama myself and would be a tad sensitive.

My g/f and me would be peace lovin folks and she would be physically strong enough to pick me up and remove me from a room and I have a smart mouth but we talk things out and I can't imagine her using her strength, it wouldn't happen.

I have been in an abusive relationship and wouldn't go back. I didn't retaliate or initiate so naturally I am biased here. I feel for both the OP and her b/f that if they can't be civilised with each other they should call it a day. The OP can learn lots from this.

puglover

I am disgusted that so many people have condoned the actions of the OPs bf in this thread.

What person hasn't had a day or even a week in their relationship where they were nagged/nagged their oh about something. Can you seriously think that it is ok the physically assault that person in response?

Those of you who are insinuating that it's been blown out of proportion are the very reason that some people keep the fact that they are a victim of domestic violence a secret; for fear they wouldn't be believed or be blamed for it.

Really makes me wonder if these forums do more harm than good sometimes. Absolutely shocking posts from some people.

metrovelvet

No one is condoning it. But there are things that could have been done so that it was avoided. It takes two to communicate well, not always an easy skill to learn, [and clearly both are at fault here] and I am sure we are all learning hard lessons in this as we go along, but when an outburst like this happens, as unacceptable as it is, it didn't come out of nowhere.

Remember the Zidane incident?

puglover

metrovelvet wrote: »

No one is condoning it. But there are things that could have been done so that it was avoided. It takes two to communicate well, not always an easy skill to learn, [and clearly both are at fault here] and I am sure we are all learning hard lessons in this as we go along, but when an outburst like this happens, as unacceptable as it is, it didn't come out of nowhere.

Yes and every couple will go through a patch where they won't communicate or there will be mis-understandings, they will also have differences of opinipion and heated discussions or arguments. We are all human.

In no way is it acceptable to react like that no matter what they chain of events leading up to it are. There is simply no excuse.

metrovelvet wrote: »

Remember the Zidane incident?

No idea what the Zidane incident is

LegacyUser

puglover wrote: »

Yes and every couple will go through a patch where they won't communicate or there will be mis-understandings, they will also have differences of opinipion and heated discussions or arguments. We are all human.

In no way is it acceptable to react like that no matter what they chain of events leading up to it are. There is simply no excuse.



No idea what the Zidane incident is

I totally agree.

CDfm

puglover wrote: »

..... they will also have differences of opinipion and heated discussions or arguments. We are all human.

In no way is it acceptable to react like that no matter what they chain of events leading up to it are. There is simply no excuse

I don't think anyone is condoning the guys behavior.

What people are saying is that the OP contributed to the situation and it went out of control. That doesn't make it right but it also means that she may need to have more empathy.Maybe she acted like a princess -who knows.

They also could be one of these couples with a highly passionate relationship.Some people are like that and like that.

Its up to the OP to fill in the blanks.

No -I dont think either of them are bad people I think they were both very upset for their own reasons.

pookie82

puglover wrote: »

I am disgusted that so many people have condoned the actions of the OPs bf in this thread.

What person hasn't had a day or even a week in their relationship where they were nagged/nagged their oh about something. Can you seriously think that it is ok the physically assault that person in response?

Those of you who are insinuating that it's been blown out of proportion are the very reason that some people keep the fact that they are a victim of domestic violence a secret; for fear they wouldn't be believed or be blamed for it.

Really makes me wonder if these forums do more harm than good sometimes. Absolutely shocking posts from some people.

Sigh. There's a marked difference between condoning something, and trying to examine the contributing factors and advising the OP to avoid him or them. I can't remember a single post where someone told her she was completely overreacting, he had every right to do what he did, and that she should go back to him, apologise for being out of order, and not consider talking things over or breaking up with him. THAT would be condoning what he did.

No one has.

IMO the OH MY GOD LEAVE THE BASTARD NOW WITHOUT EXAMINING ANY OF YOUR OWN ACTIONS AND WORKING OUT WHERE THINGS WENT SO WRONG are less helpful than those supposing there are problems on both sides to be worked through.

Obviously though, this is an emotive issue which will provoke varying degrees of what people think is right and wrong.

Wagon

pookie82 wrote: »

IMO the OH MY GOD LEAVE THE BASTARD NOW WITHOUT EXAMINING ANY OF YOUR OWN ACTIONS AND WORKING OUT WHERE THINGS WENT SO WRONG are less helpful than those supposing there are problems on both sides to be worked through.

Agree with this 1000 times over.

One thing that does piss me off about modern society is that it always assumed the woman is the innocent victim at the hands of a complete monster. Now in this case, id say she should leave and accept the relationship is over. But will she examine her own actions? Probably not, because according to most of the world he is a woman beating bastard and should be locked away and she is completely innocent. Some people even might even suggest calling the guards on him. Sorry, but this is plain stupid.

This is not what i consider serious domestic voilence. This is a relationship ending harshly. Domestic voilence when it's bad can result in serious injury over long periods of time. There is a ****ty double standard in the world that only women can experience domestic voilence too, which is far from true.

I had an ex who to this day has a special talent of getting under my skin. I don't know what does. I can't explain why but her attitue and personailty all wrap together to make a creature i can't stand. She absolutely drove me round the bend with her drama, complaining, arguing with any opinion i had so by the end of it i was happy to be out of the relationship. Maybe you are like that OP, at least with your current partner? Do you constantly nag when you know it will piss him off? Is there any middle ground at all?

Ask yourself these questions, because even the nicest men can be pushed into doing something they really regret by the person they are with.

pookie82

Wagon wrote: »

Agree with this 1000 times over.

One thing that does piss me off about modern society is that it always assumed the woman is the innocent victim at the hands of a complete monster. Now in this case, id say she should leave and accept the relationship is over. But will she examine her own actions? Probably not, because according to most of the world he is a woman beating bastard and should be locked away and she is completely innocent. Some people even might even suggest calling the guards on him. Sorry, but this is plain stupid.

This is not what i consider serious domestic voilence. This is a relationship ending harshly. Domestic voilence when it's bad can result in serious injury over long periods of time. There is a ****ty double standard in the world that only women can experience domestic voilence too, which is far from true.

I had an ex who to this day has a special talent of getting under my skin. I don't know what does. I can't explain why but her attitue and personailty all wrap together to make a creature i can't stand. She absolutely drove me round the bend with her drama, complaining, arguing with any opinion i had so by the end of it i was happy to be out of the relationship. Maybe you are like that OP, at least with your current partner? Do you constantly nag when you know it will piss him off? Is there any middle ground at all?

Ask yourself these questions, because even the nicest men can be pushed into doing something they really regret by the person they are with.

I completely agree. There IS a difference in a woman who is being physically abused by a genuinely nasty piece of work who has gone through his entire life being an aggressive bully and who likes to wield his power over her, and between a woman whose partner finally snaps after months/years of constant demands, criticism, nagging and emotional blackmail. Now my two cents would obviously be to get the hell out of any relationship which makes you violently angry on a frequent basis, but we're all human and not all of us have the will power to abandon something before it gets completely out of hand.

Sounds to me like the relationship the OP is involved in is more the latter... But she's free to correct me if I'm totally wrong.

Nevyn

Bth men and woman can be and are victums of domenstic abuse which can be mental and emotional not just phyical.

As it has been pointed out communication and respect for each other is lacking between this couple if they can not fix it and the relationship is too toxic or the respect can not return then they are better of ending it at this juncture and spending time working on themselves, imho.

Toots

CDfm wrote: »

From the OPs description he may have felt he was using reasonable force.

Reasonable force????

I think reasonable force would have first been to actually ask/tell her to leave him alone while he was cooking. Failing that, perhaps taking her by the hand and leading her into the living room, and firmly requesting that she remain there until he is finished cooking. "Reasonable force" is not and never will be grabbing someone by the hair and dragging them from one room to another.

puglover

Wagon wrote: »

Agree with this 1000 times over.

One thing that does piss me off about modern society is that it always assumed the woman is the innocent victim at the hands of a complete monster. Now in this case, id say she should leave and accept the relationship is over. But will she examine her own actions? Probably not, because according to most of the world he is a woman beating bastard and should be locked away and she is completely innocent. Some people even might even suggest calling the guards on him. Sorry, but this is plain stupid.

There is is always someone eho makes this a gender issue. Both men and woman can be victims of domestic violence and I would give the same advice to any person in a situation like this.

The OP has obviously already examined her actions and is placing some of the blam on herself. In her post she is clearly asking if people think his actions were justifiable.

Yes she could certainly call this gardai, he bf assaulted her and it is not, by any stretch of the imagination, stupid.

Wagon wrote: »

This is not what i consider serious domestic voilence. This is a relationship ending harshly. Domestic voilence when it's bad can result in serious injury over long periods of time. There is a ****ty double standard in the world that only women can experience domestic voilence too, which is far from true.

It's a good thing that it's not up to you to decide what domestic violence is then Wagon. There is a definition below, I suggest some further reading if you want to be in a position to make an informed opinion on what is and what is not domestic violence.

Domestic violence occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate another. Domestic violence often refers to violence between spouses, or spousal abuse but can also include cohabitants and non-married intimate partners. Domestic violence occurs in all cultures; people of all races, ethnicities.

I see no evidence of anyone who's posted in this thread having an opinion that only women can be victims of domestic abuse.

Wagon wrote: »

I had an ex who to this day has a special talent of getting under my skin. I don't know what does. I can't explain why but her attitue and personailty all wrap together to make a creature i can't stand. She absolutely drove me round the bend with her drama, complaining, arguing with any opinion i had so by the end of it i was happy to be out of the relationship. Maybe you are like that OP, at least with your current partner? Do you constantly nag when you know it will piss him off? Is there any middle ground at all?

There is no evidence to suggest the OP is anything like that. However the right thing to do in this situation is end the relationship, not revert to physical violence.

Wagon wrote: »

Ask yourself these questions, because even the nicest men can be pushed into doing something they really regret by the person they are with.

There are places for people who are not capable of excercising self-control, they are called prisons.

CDfm

Toots* wrote: »

Reasonable force????

In fairness we only got one side of the story. I am not condoning it but would hope the OP doesn't get into a mutually abusive situation and think its ok.

Wagon

puglover wrote: »

There are places for people who are not capable of excercising self-control, they are called prisons.

you haven't got a clue do you? It's a gender issue from the start because look at the ****ing reactions she got on this board! Switch roles and i bet you wouldn't be supporting the idea of calling the guards. I'm not arguing with you over this. I'll only get banned.

pookie82

puglover wrote: »

There is is always someone eho makes this a gender issue. Both men and woman can be victims of domestic violence and I would give the same advice to any person in a situation like this.

The OP has obviously already examined her actions and is placing some of the blam on herself. In her post she is clearly asking if people think his actions were justifiable.

Yes she could certainly call this gardai, he bf assaulted her and it is not, by any stretch of the imagination, stupid.



It's a good thing that it's not up to you to decide what domestic violence is then Wagon. There is a definition below, I suggest some further reading if you want to be in a position to make an informed opinion on what is and what is not domestic violence.

Domestic violence occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate another. Domestic violence often refers to violence between spouses, or spousal abuse but can also include cohabitants and non-married intimate partners. Domestic violence occurs in all cultures; people of all races, ethnicities.

I see no evidence of anyone who's posted in this thread having an opinion that only women can be victims of domestic abuse.



There is no evidence to suggest the OP is anything like that. However the right thing to do in this situation is end the relationship, not revert to physical violence.



There are places for people who are not capable of excercising self-control, they are called prisons.

Although I admit it must be nice for you to live in such a clear cut, black and white world, there is a big difference between a serial perpetrator of violence, and a guy who has possibly been subjected to verbal and emotional abuse over a long period of time snapping in a second of bad judgement and momentarily losing control. It sounds like the OP's boyfriend is the latter, with a ton of other issues thrown in. Do you suggest that he is immediately thrown into jail???

pookie82

Wagon wrote: »

It's a gender issue from the start because look at the ****ing reactions she got on this board! Switch roles and i bet you wouldn't be supporting the idea of calling the guards.

Just for the record, I'm female btw.

Nevyn

If you want to debate the gender issues in regards to domestic violence please do in a thread in humanities.

Both the OP and her bf were not respecting each other and were not communicating but two wrongs do not make a right, it should have not have escalated into physicality.

Wagon

pookie82 wrote: »

Just for the record, I'm female btw.

I guessed that from the avatar