Social Anxiety Phobia/Disorder

Nodferatu

i been seeing a cbt therapist now for about 2 months i see him once every 3-4 weeks. get a lot of reading material and a small bit of homework. i been feeling great and forcing myself out a lot more at weekends. go into town and get a coffee most times. i find the more you do something over and over the easier it is and more relaxed you get. i been doing good but today i feel quite depressed and lonely. feeling very low and sad. nobody to talk to. nobody to hang out with. i have no friends, there is only so much of going to town on my own i can take. find it hard to be on my own, too much time to think.

Penname

I'm so glad I found this thread.

I have suffered from Social phobia all my life. Only diagnosed last year.

I have a night out tonight that 'normal' people would really look forward to, but I am in bits: heart racing, nauseous, exhausted, drained, can't concentrate on anything. Am going out with people who are really nice but any time I go out or are with other people, I feel like I've nothing smart/interesting to say and worry that they are judging me. I have a packet of xanax in the press and am hovering over them but resisting taking one.

I too dread social occasions like weddings etc. I am an intelligent, friendly person but I constantly feel like people don't rate me because I've nothing to say. It's become worse since I gave up work to stay at home with my kids. I feel like a nobody sometimes.

It is comforting to know there are others like me out there.

Any advice for me for tonight? Will be with my partner but even that doesn't make me feel any more at ease.

Starfox

Penname wrote: »

I'm so glad I found this thread.

I have suffered from Social phobia all my life. Only diagnosed last year.

I have a night out tonight that 'normal' people would really look forward to, but I am in bits: heart racing, nauseous, exhausted, drained, can't concentrate on anything. Am going out with people who are really nice but any time I go out or are with other people, I feel like I've nothing smart/interesting to say and worry that they are judging me. I have a packet of xanax in the press and am hovering over them but resisting taking one.

I too dread social occasions like weddings etc. I am an intelligent, friendly person but I constantly feel like people don't rate me because I've nothing to say. It's become worse since I gave up work to stay at home with my kids. I feel like a nobody sometimes.

It is comforting to know there are others like me out there.

Any advice for me for tonight? Will be with my partner but even that doesn't make me feel any more at ease.

People with SA only seem to filter through the bad stuff, only noticing the bad stuff and because of this it can also be present in the conversations we do have speaking negatively of people, situations, arbitrary reasons.

People with SA believe they know whats going to happen in the future or know what people are thinking, Stop predicting this, your not a mind reader, its absolutely ridiculous get out of your head! Mind reading is not possible they are your own thoughts not other people.

are you comparing and despairing? seeing only the good in others and getting upset when comparing ourselves negatively against others.

Putting yourself down criticize yourself and blaming ourselves for events or situations that are not our responsibility.

Making evaluations or judgments about events, ourselves, others or the world rather than describing what we actually see and have evidence for.

Emotional Reasoning, I feel bad so it must be bad, i feel anxious so i must be in danger. Your feelings are just a reaction to your thoughts and thoughts are just an automation brain reflex, which can be re trained, when thoughts manifest instead of reacting to them, step back and look at them from a third person view and realize that they are just thoughts and they can not hurt you ever, its the human ego that does this to you and your way of thinking that creates these emotions, once you can dismiss they thoughts as just harmless thoughts the emotions that are attached will dissipate over time and you can live a normal life.

Penname, you have a night out, i think you and in most anybodies case the anticipation of this is actually the worst part, the repeating same thoughts going through your head all day about what to say at this night out, how to dress, get there on time, how to relax what they might think of you or what your saying...

The more thoughts that you let build up the more stressed out you will get, catch the thought coming into your head and dismiss it as just a thought, the more times your able to catch these and get rid of them the easier it becomes. Your dont have o lead any conversations but you can join in sometimes if you can, say something small occasionally, say something nice to someone about them, say the food is nice say the venue is nice be positive, but hey if your as quiet as a mouse all night it does not matter, you are who you are, being comfortable with yourself is more important in trying to get other people around you to be comfortable with you.

Have you a hobby or something in your life that really interests you, bring that up in a conversation and that alone is something you can easily talk about. Just relax it will be fine

Penname

Starfox, thanks for your very helpful post. I've just read it twice and so much of it makes sense. I've never realised before but I do "Compare and Despair". I look at others and wish I could be as skinny, clever, funny etc as them and think that they are looking at me and thinking "you are so not skinny/clever/funny etc" which is unfair, I guess to assume that people are thinking negatively about others, when they most probably aren't. I too, obsess over what to wear, how to do my hair etc.

I did attend a Givens Technique therapist last year and she gave me some tools, like playing the worst case scenario in my head and then rewinding it and playing the best case scenario instead, but I find that it doesn't ease my anxiety at all.

I do feel a bit better after reading this thread and am going to try to stop comparing and despairing, now that I am conscious that I do that. Not sure whether to take the xanax or not - don't take them often as hate relying on meds but if it would make me feel a bit better, it might give me some confidence?

This SA is really holding me back..... even something as simple as having coffee with a friend, I find I am constantly berating myself for not saying x or saying y.

Starfox

Penname wrote: »

Starfox, thanks for your very helpful post. I've just read it twice and so much of it makes sense. I've never realised before but I do "Compare and Despair". I look at others and wish I could be as skinny, clever, funny etc as them and think that they are looking at me and thinking "you are so not skinny/clever/funny etc" which is unfair, I guess to assume that people are thinking negatively about others, when they most probably aren't. I too, obsess over what to wear, how to do my hair etc.

I did attend a Givens Technique therapist last year and she gave me some tools, like playing the worst case scenario in my head and then rewinding it and playing the best case scenario instead, but I find that it doesn't ease my anxiety at all.

I do feel a bit better after reading this thread and am going to try to stop comparing and despairing, now that I am conscious that I do that. Not sure whether to take the xanax or not - don't take them often as hate relying on meds but if it would make me feel a bit better, it might give me some confidence?

This SA is really holding me back..... even something as simple as having coffee with a friend, I find I am constantly berating myself for not saying x or saying y.

You could let people know you have SA without telling them you have SA, you could say it to a friend that you know is the kind of person that 'spreads the word' that you are a very shy or quiet person that sometimes worries people think badly of you because of the way you are,.. when people know the real you they are very understanding. Its better out than in sometimes, but just judge it carefully on who think think should know and not know, because not everybody will understand

Hope that helps

superhero87

If your feeling like sh!t ......

Wait and see, don't catastrophize the situation, sorry that might be a made up word, I mean make it into a catastrophic worse case scenario in your head. If a friend doesn't answer the phone, it doesn't mean they don't like you, more often than not it's one of a dozen other more balanced reasons, no credit, battery, at work. If you think it's because they don't like you, way up evidence that the do and that they don't more often than not the pros will out weigh the cons.

If something bad happens, its not the end of the world, it is bearable, and you can stand it.

If you f##k up, it doesn't mean your a failure, it means you fails just like everybody else, "don't call a man happy til he's dead", one failure doesn't make you a failure . Its the way you take things in when they happen that makes you happy or sad, your negative beliefs make you happy, they can be changed.

Let a bad feeling pass, f##k dwelling, when you notice yourself dwelling drop it, just distract yourself. try writing, drawing, count the bricks on a wall, sing a song, take deep (inhaling, holding in and exhaling for six seconds each) breaths while closing your eyes (its surprising how many nagging thoughts that alone will quieten) or any hobbie, you have to distract your brain. Chronic anxiety sufferers fight or flight control in the brain is set to danger, releasing adrenalin making you feel anxious, this is why you can have odd or creepy thoughts around loved ones and friends your mind is searching for the danger or the worst case scenario. If your mind is distracted enough over time the control in your brain will reset back to normal levels. Also try meditation cds, ones to help you sleep, boost your confidence or just to relax.

Don't wallow in bed on your day off, get up and have a shower and breakfast.

Eat well, give diets for depressed people a google there.

Take time to yourself, cook your favorite dinner, watch your favorite show, curl up on the couch, be nice to and take it easy on yourself.

I'm saying this as a former sufferer of chronic social anxiety, depressed as hell with periods of near manic highs for over a year and a half. I gave up drink for six months stopped smoking weed both of which i over used, seen two therapists (because you have to find the right one for you, you should know after a few sessions) and tried anxiety tablets (which don't help just cover up the symptoms in my opinion, each to their own I suppose) a year later and im completely back to myself, but far more confidant and productive than I ever was, I still get bad days even bad weeks but that's mainly due to drinking etc. that's another trick, when you get a setback and your feeling really anxious again after an extended period of good days, don't despair, your not stuck it that awful horror, setbacks no matter how bad are really only setbacks, iv been through them they don't stay forever, its a part of your recovery, they are only as bad as you let them be, if you fight against them they will get worse, just stick to your guns keep distracting yourself, don't dwell with anything, and remind yourself its ok to be anxious it's not the end of the world.

Google the linden method

subscriber

Has anyone on here attended the CBT course classes in the maher hospital? I was looking at their website there earlier. there seems to be a screening fee of 70 euro and application process is through email, giving an account of why you think you should be deemed eligible for a place on the course. Seems quiet expensive just for an application fee. Im really at my wits end of SA at this stage though and seriously considering applying. Its been eating me on and off for the past few years and I have to tackle it head on at this stage or nothing will improve.

anybody now what the course is like , or has it proven to help people get over there anxiety problems??

Many thanks.

Ickle Magoo

Hi there subscriber,

Moved your post here from PI as I think there will be more people better placed to advise you.

All the best.

subscriber

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Hi there subscriber,

Moved your post here from PI as I think there will be more people better placed to advise you.

All the best.

Ok ickle, cheers.

Nodferatu

i have started to date a girl i been friends with for a year and a half. I'm just turned 28 and so is she. she is very relaxed around me, but I'm not. i still get nervous when i pick her up, i want to kiss her on the cheek but i just can't, i freeze up. she has had 3 serious long term relationships before me, so she is experienced in that way. i cant seem to let my guard down which makes me a bit distant and not intimate or that with her, i never had a girlfriend before so this is my first girlfriend and i have had no past experience at all its all new to me. i can't seem to loosen up.i can't drink when i meet her as i have to drive in to town from the country to see her. its effecting us too, when i say intimate i mean just kissing/cuddling/hugging/holding hands. all that stuff, it should come naturally right? i can't get over this bump as i freeze up when i try to. i feel depressed and annoyed with myself and am now starting to feel as though maybe I'm not meant to ever have a relationship, maybe I'm better off on my own. i live at home with my parents and she is unemployed so living with her parents too, situation is kind s**t. i don't know what to do or how to fix it, its up to me at the end of the day to open up. i want to so bad but i just freeze up in fear. has anyone got advice or had same/similar experience. i'm afraid I'm doomed to a life of anxiety and fear!! i don't have any friends to talk to.

Starfox

Nodferatu wrote: »

i have started to date a girl i been friends with for a year and a half. I'm just turned 28 and so is she. she is very relaxed around me, but I'm not. i still get nervous when i pick her up, i want to kiss her on the cheek but i just can't, i freeze up. she has had 3 serious long term relationships before me, so she is experienced in that way. i cant seem to let my guard down which makes me a bit distant and not intimate or that with her, i never had a girlfriend before so this is my first girlfriend and i have had no past experience at all its all new to me. i can't seem to loosen up.i can't drink when i meet her as i have to drive in to town from the country to see her. its effecting us too, when i say intimate i mean just kissing/cuddling/hugging/holding hands. all that stuff, it should come naturally right? i can't get over this bump as i freeze up when i try to. i feel depressed and annoyed with myself and am now starting to feel as though maybe I'm not meant to ever have a relationship, maybe I'm better off on my own. i live at home with my parents and she is unemployed so living with her parents too, situation is kind s**t. i don't know what to do or how to fix it, its up to me at the end of the day to open up. i want to so bad but i just freeze up in fear. has anyone got advice or had same/similar experience. i'm afraid I'm doomed to a life of anxiety and fear!! i don't have any friends to talk to.

It all depends on your girlfriend really, like, from what you have said it seems that your relationship might not progress if your SA is getting in the way, i kmow what its like obviously but at the same time im not dr phil lol (im just your average guy) Heres one suggestion though, how about telling her you have SA, but to not scare her off, show her what it is, make her understand it. Show her the examples i put up on the first page of this thread if you think that might help.

If it was me, and i did not want to lose her, and i thought that might happen because of my SA, well i have nothing to lose id tell her. Thing is it could swing both ways, so its really up to you. Hope that helps, good luck

Nodferatu

yeah, she broke up with me last night. were just friends now, i think... i have told her about my SA, so she knows, i told her I'm getting help and all that, she just needs me to be more open, physically mostly. which i feel is part my problem, I'm lacking lovability in myself I'm just anticipating rejection thus being tense and too distant from her, I've put up a brick wall because of past experiences of getting hurt. I've never had luck with girls and any time i DID try and reach out to a girl on rare occasions i got burned pretty bad. now that i finally have a chance at a great relationship I'm sabotaging it myself by default. she knows all this too. the more i think about it all, the more i think i am better off on my own I'm not cut out to love or be loved. pure and simple. just hard to accept I'm on my own after coming so close,

Ickle Magoo

Sorry to hear you broke up. I don't think anyone is cut out not to love or be loved Nodferatu - don't be so hard on yourself or talk yourself into that self-fulfilling prophesy.

Keep going with the help - I found when my head was in the right place, the heart stuff just fell into place...but when I was projecting sadness, being uncomfortable with myself/others and carrying around more baggage than most, it just wouldn't happen.

Chin up and never say never.

pinkhop

Great thread just what I was looking for.
I think I may be suffering from social anxiety but im not sure.

In some aspects I am very confident. Im nearly always the first out of my friends on the dance floor on a night out. Im chatty so people never ever think im shy.

Right now im in tears at the thought of having to make a phonecall tomorrow. I get so nervous when I have to make a call. I'll sit and agonise before either making the call or just not making it at all. Iv just started a new job and really don't want my fear to ruin things for me.

In my head I know ow irrational it is to be afraid of making a phone call but im sick over worring about it

superhero87

Ya it really is the weirdest thing in the world, it rarely affects two people the same way, is it just phone calls for you?

pinkhop

Phone calls when I have to ring someone I don't know, answering phonecalls from a number I don't know, listening to voicemails or if the doorbell rings my heart starts racing and I get really nervous !

Besides all that im very out going!

Devia

pinkhop wrote: »

Phone calls when I have to ring someone I don't know, answering phonecalls from a number I don't know, listening to voicemails or if the doorbell rings my heart starts racing and I get really nervous !

Besides all that im very out going!

You're not alone. In terms of social anxiety I'm only affected by two things really - Phone calls to strangers and public/group speaking (presentations ect) or any sort of individual 'performance' where I am the centre of attention. Managed to wing it for most of my life but definitely feel its holding me back in my career at this stage.

I've somewhat suppressed the whole phone thing. Found writing notes down of what I want to say and keeping them in front of me is a bit of a help, especially if the stress takes your mind off the game.

HUNK

Thought I'd share this: a volunatry Dublin group is being started. They've set up a website which gives a bit more detail. It is based in Smithfield, Dublin 7. They have an email you can contact if you're interested.

As far as I know, the group is made up of past and present SA sufferers.

Sul

I suffer with social anxiety...so bad I blush excessively. It got to the stage that I thought I was never going to be able to leave my house again. I explained it to my friends (who all thought I was mad cuz im quite out going) but it made it easier. It all stemmed from my first panic attack which happened because I was on very strong painkillers. I started having panic attacks regularly then but I managed to quickly get a grip on them and can stop one before it starts but as a result I began blushing all the time for no reason, which then rolled into worrying what people thought of me which then rolled into me not wanting to leave the house....
Then I went to cognetive behavioral therapy. I still blush all the time but now I just dont give a **** what anyone thinks...
Helped me out loads!

skinny malinky

Sul wrote: »

Then I went to cognetive behavioral therapy.

How do you get into that? I'm in the same boat

Sul

skinny malinky wrote: »

Sul wrote: »

Then I went to cognetive behavioral therapy.

How do you get into that? I'm in the same boat

I went to the doctor who referred me to a therapist. The waiting list can be quite long I was waiting about 3 months but in the meantime he prescribed me beta blockers which softened the sudden rush of anxiety and helped a bit. But I wouldn't be one for taking medication long time so would advise going to the therapist. I couldn't believe the waiting list was so long but I think it helped me somewhat because I started realising that im not alone and its so common so im not a complete headcase, just going through something that seemingly loads go through and with a bit of help it can be better

Go straight away to the doctor to get on a list. After a while they will send you a letter to meet a therapist who will assess how badly you need to be seen. You could get in straight away or be waiting a few more weeks.

In the meantime, try to face your problem head on. Tell yourself that you have to do these things that make you blush or feel anxious. It is hard but once you start doing it you will feel better. I just plough through with it now. I still blush but I dont think about it so much which is a great help because the worrying was driving me mad and making the whole problem way worse than it is.

Hope this helps! Best of luck with it. There is light at the end of the tunnel

skinny malinky

Sul wrote: »

I went to the doctor who referred me to a therapist. The waiting list can be quite long I was waiting about 3 months but in the meantime he prescribed me beta blockers which softened the sudden rush of anxiety and helped a bit. But I wouldn't be one for taking medication long time so would advise going to the therapist. I couldn't believe the waiting list was so long but I think it helped me somewhat because I started realising that im not alone and its so common so im not a complete headcase, just going through something that seemingly loads go through and with a bit of help it can be better

Go straight away to the doctor to get on a list. After a while they will send you a letter to meet a therapist who will assess how badly you need to be seen. You could get in straight away or be waiting a few more weeks.

In the meantime, try to face your problem head on. Tell yourself that you have to do these things that make you blush or feel anxious. It is hard but once you start doing it you will feel better. I just plough through with it now. I still blush but I dont think about it so much which is a great help because the worrying was driving me mad and making the whole problem way worse than it is.

Hope this helps! Best of luck with it. There is light at the end of the tunnel

I went to a doctor about it two years ago. He said he'd never heard of anyone excessively blushing and laughed (I'm sure he wasn't laughing at me, maybe he was just embarrassed about not knowing what to do). I felt like an eejit. He referred me to a therapy place in Rathgar but the price was through the roof and as a student I couldn't afford it.

Your story has given me renewed hope though, thanks.

skinny malinky

HUNK wrote: »

Thought I'd share this: a volunatry Dublin group is being started. They've set up a website which gives a bit more detail. It is based in Smithfield, Dublin 7. They have an email you can contact if you're interested.

As far as I know, the group is made up of past and present SA sufferers.

This is brilliant. Thanks a million. Just emailed them there now. No idea there'd be a group for this sort of thing

skinny malinky

Does anyone else get watery eyes when nervous?

Whenever I'm nervous (which is pretty much any time I interact) I blush and sweat excessively and my voice get shaky, but they're relatively normal compared to my eyes. I could be talking to someone and literally get teary eyed. I can see people looking at me thinking "what an absolute freak". Happened yesterday and I had to stop mid-sentence and walk away from the girl.

Sul

skinny malinky wrote: »

Does anyone else get watery eyes when nervous?

Whenever I'm nervous (which is pretty much any time I interact) I blush and sweat excessively and my voice get shaky, but they're relatively normal compared to my eyes. I could be talking to someone and literally get teary eyed. I can see people looking at me thinking "what an absolute freak". Happened yesterday and I had to stop mid-sentence and walk away from the girl.

A member of my family wells up too!! We couldn't stop laughing when we talked about it. She had never heard of my problem and I hadn't heard hers, it was so mad! She feels like shes going to start crying every time she talks to people. She too is seeing a therapist now after going to the doctor. Change your doctor. You can definitely get therapy on the HSE. I dont have a medical card so I had to pay the standard doctor bill and then that was it. It definitely is about the place and in some cases if its not treated it develop into a full on fear of anything red. Social anxiety has many many forms. I know a lad who has a fear of being/getting sick so he finds it hard to be in public places. Some people sweat, some people have panic attacks the list is endless. Do go back to the doctor and tell him/her that you have heard of cognitive therapy and would like to be referred.

Tell your friends too. My friends thought I was mad cuz im really quite outgoing and always up for a laugh. But they were very understanding and wanted to know more and it meant im completely more at ease and sometimes when they see im having an 'episode' they jump in and take the attention off me which is great and helps so much.

Its really common. Loads suffer from some form of social phobia. The worse thing you can do is not get help.

skinny malinky

Sul wrote: »

I explained it to my friends (who all thought I was mad cuz im quite out going)

I have a serious amount of respect for you. I can't discuss it with anyone I know

skinny malinky

I'm going to a voluntary meeting thing next week (a few posts above) so hopefully that'll help.

Can't tell my mates - they're very manly lads so we don't really talk about our feelings and all that stuff. My family aren't the hugging/discussion type either (I'm making them sound horrible but they're not!) so I've kept it to myself all my life. Although my family see me blushing every day so they know, we just don't acknowledge it. I don't even talk at the dinner table 'cos I blush and it's getting worse with age, so hopefully with your advice (which I'll put to practice and I'm very grateful for) I can get over it

Sul

skinny malinky wrote: »

Sul wrote: »

I explained it to my friends (who all thought I was mad cuz im quite out going)

I have a serious amount of respect for you. I can't discuss it with anyone I know

For a long time I was the same. I went through about 3 or 4 years thinking I was going around the bend and had no one to talk to. I stopped going to events with no alcohol, I spent all day in work in knots worrying about who would come through the door, who would I meet etc. If I met someone and had an episode id spend all day thinking about it, stressing out. It was horrible. It just came to a head one day, I woke up and literally couldn't leave the house and had to ring in sick to work. That was the turning point for me. I knew I couldn't carry on or id end up never being able to leave the house and I definitely didnt want that. So I rang the doctor and went a few days later. The mad thing is ,i knew how completely irrational the problem was. At the end of the day, 9 times out of 10 most people really dont care enough about you to give you a second thought. People are too wrapped up in their own problems to be thinking about you. You leave the situation thinking the world is going to end but they leave and dont give it a second thought. Once you start concentrating more on that and get out of your head it gets better.

As for telling your friends, it was after I went to the doctor that I realised I cant not involve them. They are my friends at the end of the day. I listen to their problems and help them so they can do the same for me. Would you tell them if you were really sick? Of course you would, you need the support and that goes for this too. Once I told them they too started telling me about certain times they get anxious and it really helps. You dont have to tell them all, just your close ones or even family.

Hope this helps you. Its over a year since I had therapy. Some days are worse than others but on a whole im in a much better place than I was last year.

Sul

skinny malinky wrote: »

I'm going to a voluntary meeting thing next week (a few posts above) so hopefully that'll help.

Can't tell my mates - they're very manly lads so we don't really talk about our feelings and all that stuff. My family aren't the hugging/discussion type either (I'm making them sound horrible but they're not!) so I've kept it to myself all my life. Although my family see me blushing every day so they know, we just don't acknowledge it. I don't even talk at the dinner table 'cos I blush and it's getting worse with age, so hopefully with your advice (which I'll put to practice and I'm very grateful for) I can get over it

You dont have to talk about your feelings. Maybe just tell the ones you are closest too that you are having a bit of a rough time. It doesnt have to be an in dept conversation, I had my chat over a few drinks one night and nearly all my mates know now, male and female. Men aren't that bad you know, you'd be surprised. You could find that one of your friends could be having their own anxiety problems. Its very common. Even the most full on out going people can suffer. Talking is always a great solution.

skinny malinky

Sul wrote: »

I stopped going to events with no alcohol, I spent all day in work in knots worrying about who would come through the door, who would I meet etc. If I met someone and had an episode id spend all day thinking about it, stressing out. It was horrible. It just came to a head one day, I woke up and literally couldn't leave the house and had to ring in sick to work. That was the turning point for me.... You leave the situation thinking the world is going to end but they leave and dont give it a second thought. Once you start concentrating more on that and get out of your head it gets better.

Jesus you've no idea how reassuring it is so read someone else goes through exactly what I go through.

During my first year in college I drank maybe three mornings a week in preparation for classes I was nervous about. Naggins on the bus at 8.30 in the morning, like a bloody hobo! Had to stop when people questioned me about the smell off my breath. I'm not an alcoholic or anything I just got it into my head that I couldn't interact without drink.

Have you ever tried hypnosis? There's some good Paul Mckenna ones on youtube