Might I Need an Exorcism?

dublinario

Hi,

Lately I've been telling lots of people that their mothers suck cock in hell, usually in an unearthly, gravelled voice that when played backwards and slowed to 1/10 speed, reveals a multitude of voices warning to "fear the priest".

I'm also regularly spewing a thick, green sludge distances of up to five metres, with an uncanny accuracy for picking out the face (and in particularly, opened mouth) of my intended target.

Is it time I approached the Catholic church and inquired about an exorcism? Or should I just take two Nurofen Plus and stop being such a drama queen?

Cordially,
Dub

Zillah

dublinario wrote: »

Lately I've been telling lots of people that their mothers suck cock in hell, usually in an unearthly, gravelled voice that when played backwards and slowed to 1/10 speed, reveals a multitude of voices warning to "fear the priest".

That happens me when I drink whiskey, maybe that's your problem.

Mena

I'd say watch the Exorcist again, this time realising it's only a movie.

MagicMarker

Just stay away from crucifixes.

Hagar

A good dose of Epsom Salts will sort you out.

Snowie

*put hyand on head*


EXSPELLL THE DEMON IN SIDE EXSPELL THE DEMON can ya feel it son can ya???

Busi_Girl08

dublinario wrote: »

Hi,

Lately I've been telling lots of people that their mothers suck cock in hell, usually in an unearthly, gravelled voice that when played backwards and slowed to 1/10 speed, reveals a multitude of voices warning to "fear the priest".

I'm also regularly spewing a thick, green sludge distances of up to five metres, with an uncanny accuracy for picking out the face (and in particularly, opened mouth) of my intended target.

Is it time I approached the Catholic church and inquired about an exorcism? Or should I just take two Nurofen Plus and stop being such a drama queen?

Cordially,
Dub

Pfft.

I've had worse symptoms with my PMS every month...

dublinario

Zillah wrote: »

That happens me when I drink whiskey, maybe that's your problem.

Wouldn't touch the stuff Zillah. My body is a temple. A temple ravaged by the effects of class A hallucinogenics and a lifetime of saturated fat abuse.

SoupyNorman

Me Granny uses TCP for every ailment...give that a go.

dublinario

bravestarr082 wrote: »

Me Granny uses TCP for every ailment...give that a go.

Tried it, with limited success. It did reduce green bile spewage by 25%, but "mother sucks cock in hell" quotage increased 40%. So it was swings and roundabouts.

dublinario

Busi_Girl08 wrote: »

Pfft.

I've had worse symptoms with my PMS every month...

Ah for Jaysus sake, now you've just made the menfolk uncomfortable. To try and redress the balance, you women will never...EVER...come close to comprehending the pain of a rocketed football directly into the balls. Childbirth? Give me a break. Try standing in a wall, for a free-kick taken by a guy named 'The Rhino'.

dublinario

Mena wrote: »

I'd say watch the Exorcist again, this time realising it's only a movie.

Is it Mena? Is it really? Or is that just what 'they' want you to think?

truecrippler

dublinario wrote: »

Ah for Jaysus sake, now you've just made the menfolk uncomfortable. To try and redress the balance, you women will never...EVER...come close to comprehending the pain of a rocketed football directly into the balls. Childbirth? Give me a break. Try standing in a wall, for a free-kick taken by a guy named 'The Rhino'.

So this "The Rhino" guy doesn't like aiming for Camels? I see.

dublinario

truecrippler wrote: »

So this "The Rhino" guy doesn't like aiming for Camels? I see.

How would Mr The Rhino (real name Larry De Rhino) get such an opportunity? Women's (snigger) soccer is bad enough, but you're suggesting a unisex game? T'would be a farce. An abomination. John Giles would turn in his grave.

Doctor DooM

No one has ever needed an exorcism ever before, can't see why you'd be the first...

dublinario

SDooM wrote: »

No one has ever needed an exorcism ever before, can't see why you'd be the first...

Nobody? Not a student of history then? It is well-documented that Twink underwent a successful exorcism in 1986, after The Gaeity Massacre, in which she attacked and killed seventeen pantomime audience members. The ensuing exorcism lasted 100 days, in which several priests were killed or maimed.

galwayrush

Stay away from Goats and Cats.

galwayrush

dublinario wrote: »

Nobody? Not a student of history then? It is well-documented that Twink underwent a successful exorcism in 1986, after The Gaeity Massacre, in which she attacked and killed seventeen pantomime audience members. The ensuing exorcism lasted 100 days, in which several priests were killed or maimed.

Dark days they were.:eek:

dublinario

galwayrush wrote: »

Stay away from Goats and Cats.

It's going to be difficult. I run a Goat and Cat rescue shelter. It's been my life's work. That, and trying to be the first animal breeder to successfully mate a goat and a cat. (sigh) So, so many dead cats. Not so many dead goats, but so, so many dead cats.

dublinario

galwayrush wrote: »

Dark days they were.:eek:

The darkest. Between the 80s recession and Twink's insatiable blood lust, it's any wonder we came out the other side of such bleakness.

galwayrush

dublinario wrote: »

It's going to be difficult. I run a Goat and Cat rescue shelter. It's been my life's work. That, and trying to be the first animal breeder to successfully mate a goat and a cat. (sigh) So, so many dead cats. Not so many dead goats, but so, so many dead cats.

Wow, i know the place, serves great soup.:cool:

dublinario

galwayrush wrote: »

Wow, i know the place, serves great soup.:cool:

I wouldn't say great soup. For me, it could do with a bit more goat. But there's no telling our canteen guy.

galwayrush

Serious question, can an aetheist get possessed by something they don't believe in?:rolleyes:

5uspect

[exorcism]The power of Zeus compels you![/exorcism]

galwayrush

dublinario wrote: »

I wouldn't say great soup. For me, it could do with a bit more goat. But there's no telling our canteen guy.

Easy add more goat when you run the shelter.
Could be on to something here, make it a global brand and sell the franchise.:cool:

dublinario

galwayrush wrote: »

Serious question, can an aetheist get possessed by something they don't believe in?:rolleyes:

Atheists can only be possessed by people like Darwin, or Richard Dawkins. Maybe Judas Iscariot, at a stretch.

Doctor DooM

dublinario wrote: »

Nobody? Not a student of history then? It is well-documented that Twink underwent a successful exorcism in 1986, after The Gaeity Massacre, in which she attacked and killed seventeen pantomime audience members. The ensuing exorcism lasted 100 days, in which several priests were killed or maimed.

My apologies. How insensitive of the DooM.

galwayrush

dublinario wrote: »

Atheists can only be possessed by people like Darwin, or Richard Dawkins. Maybe Judas Iscariot, at a stretch.

Makes more sense than Creationism.:D

dublinario

galwayrush wrote: »

Makes more sense than Creationism.:D

Creationists can be possessed by dungeon master from Dungeons and Dragons, the bad guy who you never see from Inspector Gadget, and pretty much anything else (real or imagined) you care to mention.

galwayrush

dublinario wrote: »

Creationists can be possessed by dungeon master from Dungeons and Dragons, the bad guy who you never see from Inspector Gadget, and pretty much anything else (real or imagined) you care to mention.

As we're on a roll, what about Scientologists.:D
Could they ever be possessed with sanity?

dublinario

galwayrush wrote: »

As we're on a roll, what about Scientologists.:D
Could they ever be possessed with sanity?

No, they're too far gone. But when Tom Cruise pops his clogs this August 24th (I have foreseen it), taking out Katie Holmes in a much heralded murder-suicide, you better believe he's going to possess the living crap out of all his disciples. Essentially, his passing will give rise to an unstoppable army of Super Toms, impervious to pain, bent on destruction, and nuttier than a squirrel's bollix.

galwayrush

dublinario wrote: »

No, they're too far gone. But when Tom Cruise pops his clogs this August 24th (I have foreseen it), taking out Katie Holmes in a much heralded murder-suicide, you better believe he's going to possess the living crap out of all his disciples. Essentially, his passing will give rise to an unstoppable army of Super Toms, impervious to pain, bent on destruction, and nuttier than a squirrel's bollix.

Ahh yes, that's in the small print on the back page of the Mayan Calender:eek:

Darragh29

Did this by any chance happen while you were watching Ryan Tubridy on RTE1 last night??? If so, no need for a priest, just keep the remote control closer to hand next time...

DrumSteve

dublinario wrote: »

Hi,

Lately I've been telling lots of people that their mothers suck cock in hell, usually in an unearthly, gravelled voice that when played backwards and slowed to 1/10 speed, reveals a multitude of voices warning to "fear the priest".

I'm also regularly spewing a thick, green sludge distances of up to five metres, with an uncanny accuracy for picking out the face (and in particularly, opened mouth) of my intended target.

Is it time I approached the Catholic church and inquired about an exorcism? Or should I just take two Nurofen Plus and stop being such a drama queen?

Cordially,
Dub

Maybe you just need some excorcise. :-)

Fizman

OP it sounds to me as if ya just need a good dump. Ya know, to blow out those inner demons.

Lobelia Overhill

Mena wrote: »

I'd say watch the Exorcist again, this time realising it's only a movie.

that was based on the actual events of the only Exorcism the Catholic Church has publicly admitted to being involved in ...

but don't have nightmares

dublinario

Darragh29 wrote: »

Did this by any chance happen while you were watching Ryan Tubridy on RTE1 last night??? If so, no need for a priest, just keep the remote control closer to hand next time...

It does seem to flare up more when I'm watching Tubridy than normal. I also can't help levitating when I watch Kenny Live*

* - I refuse to call it The Late Late. That name died with Gay Byrne...who isn't dead.

dublinario

Fizman wrote: »

OP it sounds to me as if ya just need a good dump. Ya know, to blow out those inner demons.

I just shed a couple of kilos of ex-food into the bowl, so I'll let you know if the symptoms dissipate. I tried turning my head 180 degrees just now, and only got about three quarters way round, so you might be onto something Fizman.

dublinario

Lobelia Overhil wrote: »

that was based on the actual events of the only Exorcism the Catholic Church has publicly admitted to being involved in

Where the film and the real case differ, is that the little girl mutated into a 150 foot T-Rex, and devoured most of lower Manhattan. Soon afterwards the exorcism brought her under control and the whole thing was hushed up by those fat cats in Government.

WhiskeyTangoFox

dublinario wrote: »

Hi,

Lately I've been telling lots of people that their mothers suck cock in hell, usually in an unearthly, gravelled voice that when played backwards and slowed to 1/10 speed, reveals a multitude of voices warning to "fear the priest".

I'm also regularly spewing a thick, green sludge distances of up to five metres, with an uncanny accuracy for picking out the face (and in particularly, opened mouth) of my intended target.

Is it time I approached the Catholic church and inquired about an exorcism? Or should I just take two Nurofen Plus and stop being such a drama queen?

Cordially,
Dub

See a doctor. Otherwise I like the cut of your jib as they say.

Lobelia Overhill

dublinario wrote: »

Where the film and the real case differ, is that the little girl mutated into a 150 foot T-Rex, and devoured most of lower Manhattan. Soon afterwards the exorcism brought her under control and the whole thing was hushed up by those fat cats in Government.

Yes, and the young boy in RL grew up, got married, and worked as an airline pilot (I think he's in his 50s now). The house where the incident occurred burnt to the ground inexplicably and has never been rebuilt. The houses either side weren't damaged in any way.

:eek:

dublinario

Lobelia Overhil wrote: »

Yes, and the young boy in RL grew up, got married, and worked as an airline pilot (I think he's in his 50s now). The house where the incident occurred burnt to the ground inexplicably and has never been rebuilt. The houses either side weren't damaged in any way.

:eek:

Also, the builders yard that produced the bricks to originally build the house burned down. So too did the businesses that produced the roof slates, the fixtures, the plumbing, the furnishings and the paint. The company that produced the fireplace was unaffected.

brennaldo

i dont think you need one, but if your head does a 360 turn then you might indeed need one.

merlie

You may have a chest infection with that green stuff. Check yourself up to a doctors and get him to have a look at you.

dublinario

brennaldo wrote: »

i dont think you need one, but if your head does a 360 turn then you might indeed need one.

Does 720 count as 360? Because it's doing double-revolutions. Also my penis has grown by (conservative estimate) 8%. I'm not complaining about the penis thing, but the head-spinning is making me nauseous.

dublinario

merlie wrote: »

You may have a chest infection with that green stuff. Check yourself up to a doctors and get him to have a look at you.

Doctors? Sure what do they know? What could a doctor tell me that a Catholic priest couldn't? That's why I forced (at gunpoint) a priest to perform an operation on my appendix in 2001. Now, granted, I ended up in a coma for 6 months, but with God's grace, I pulled through and regained most of my faculties.

nedoo

I hear they are adding a 10% tax to Exorcisms so I would book today to avoid the extra charge. Also, have it done in english as you will know what demons and general evilness you are getting rid of. There is nothing more annoying than having an exorcism and getting home to find yourself still full of badness.

dublinario

nedoo wrote: »

I hear they are adding a 10% tax to Exorcisms so I would book today to avoid the extra charge. Also, have it done in english as you will know what demons and general evilness you are getting rid of. There is nothing more annoying than having an exorcism and getting home to find yourself still full of badness.

I think the incoming 10% duty on exorcisms is a disgrace Nedoo. They're penalising the most vulnerable segment of society: people whose beds are levitating, and having the words HELP ME appear scrawled into their flesh. They should be taking us out of the tax net, not further financially impeding us.

As for having the exorcism performed in English, it's not a problem. I'm speaking in tongues anyway, so I'm pretty sure I'll understand any language they do it in,

Bonjour,
Le Dub

faceman

You'll be saying alot worse about people's mothers after the budget tomorrow...

Kimbot

SDooM wrote: »

No one has ever needed an exorcism ever before, can't see why you'd be the first...

Lobelia Overhil wrote: »

that was based on the actual events of the only Exorcism the Catholic Church has publicly admitted to being involved in ...

but don't have nightmares

Holy cow batman, I found this on Wiki!!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exorcism

Salvador Dalí is reputed to have received an exorcism from Italian friar, Gabriele Maria Berardi, while he was in France in 1947. Dali created a sculpture of Christ on the cross which he gave the friar in thanks.[16]

Anneliese Michel was a Catholic woman from Germany who was said to be possessed by six or more demons and subsequently underwent an exorcism in 1975. Two motion pictures, The Exorcism of Emily Rose and Requiem are loosely based on Anneliese's story.

A boy identified by the pseudonym "Roland Doe" was the subject of an exorcism in 1949, which became the subject of The Exorcist, a horror novel and later film written by William Peter Blatty. Blatty heard about the case while he was a student in the class of 1950 at Georgetown University. The exorcism was partially performed in both Cottage City, Maryland and Bel-Nor, Missouri[17] by Father William S. Bowdern, S.J. and a then Jesuit scholastic Fr. Walter Halloran, S.J.[18]

Mother Teresa allegedly underwent an exorcism late in life under the direction of the Archbishop of Calcutta, Henry D'Souza, after he noticed she seemed to be extremely agitated in her sleep and feared she "might be under the attack of the evil one."[19]

OP contact the above (Even spirits if they are dead) and get some advice. Mother Teresa would be your best bet.....

dublinario

faceman wrote: »

You'll be saying alot worse about people's mothers after the budget tomorrow...

It couldn't be that much worse, surely?