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Might I Need an Exorcism?

2

Comments

  • #32
    galwayrush
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,816 ✭✭✭✭galwayrush


    dublinario wrote: »
    No, they're too far gone. But when Tom Cruise pops his clogs this August 24th (I have foreseen it), taking out Katie Holmes in a much heralded murder-suicide, you better believe he's going to possess the living crap out of all his disciples. Essentially, his passing will give rise to an unstoppable army of Super Toms, impervious to pain, bent on destruction, and nuttier than a squirrel's bollix.

    Ahh yes, that's in the small print on the back page of the Mayan Calender:eek:


  • #33
    Darragh29
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,097 ✭✭✭Darragh29


    Did this by any chance happen while you were watching Ryan Tubridy on RTE1 last night??? If so, no need for a priest, just keep the remote control closer to hand next time...


  • #34
    DrumSteve
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,798 ✭✭✭✭DrumSteve


    dublinario wrote: »
    Hi,

    Lately I've been telling lots of people that their mothers suck cock in hell, usually in an unearthly, gravelled voice that when played backwards and slowed to 1/10 speed, reveals a multitude of voices warning to "fear the priest".

    I'm also regularly spewing a thick, green sludge distances of up to five metres, with an uncanny accuracy for picking out the face (and in particularly, opened mouth) of my intended target.

    Is it time I approached the Catholic church and inquired about an exorcism? Or should I just take two Nurofen Plus and stop being such a drama queen?

    Cordially,
    Dub

    Maybe you just need some excorcise. :-)


  • #35
    Fizman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,605 ✭✭✭Fizman


    OP it sounds to me as if ya just need a good dump. Ya know, to blow out those inner demons.


  • #36
    Lobelia Overhill
    Closed Accounts Posts: 704 ✭✭✭Lobelia Overhill


    Mena wrote: »
    I'd say watch the Exorcist again, this time realising it's only a movie.

    that was based on the actual events of the only Exorcism the Catholic Church has publicly admitted to being involved in ...

    but don't have nightmares


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  • #37
    dublinario
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 633 ✭✭✭dublinario


    Darragh29 wrote: »
    Did this by any chance happen while you were watching Ryan Tubridy on RTE1 last night??? If so, no need for a priest, just keep the remote control closer to hand next time...

    It does seem to flare up more when I'm watching Tubridy than normal. I also can't help levitating when I watch Kenny Live*

    * - I refuse to call it The Late Late. That name died with Gay Byrne...who isn't dead.


  • #38
    dublinario
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 633 ✭✭✭dublinario


    Fizman wrote: »
    OP it sounds to me as if ya just need a good dump. Ya know, to blow out those inner demons.

    I just shed a couple of kilos of ex-food into the bowl, so I'll let you know if the symptoms dissipate. I tried turning my head 180 degrees just now, and only got about three quarters way round, so you might be onto something Fizman.


  • #39
    dublinario
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 633 ✭✭✭dublinario


    Lobelia Overhil wrote: »
    that was based on the actual events of the only Exorcism the Catholic Church has publicly admitted to being involved in

    Where the film and the real case differ, is that the little girl mutated into a 150 foot T-Rex, and devoured most of lower Manhattan. Soon afterwards the exorcism brought her under control and the whole thing was hushed up by those fat cats in Government.


  • #40
    WhiskeyTangoFox
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29 ✭WhiskeyTangoFox


    dublinario wrote: »
    Hi,

    Lately I've been telling lots of people that their mothers suck cock in hell, usually in an unearthly, gravelled voice that when played backwards and slowed to 1/10 speed, reveals a multitude of voices warning to "fear the priest".

    I'm also regularly spewing a thick, green sludge distances of up to five metres, with an uncanny accuracy for picking out the face (and in particularly, opened mouth) of my intended target.

    Is it time I approached the Catholic church and inquired about an exorcism? Or should I just take two Nurofen Plus and stop being such a drama queen?

    Cordially,
    Dub

    See a doctor. Otherwise I like the cut of your jib as they say.


  • #41
    Lobelia Overhill
    Closed Accounts Posts: 704 ✭✭✭Lobelia Overhill


    dublinario wrote: »
    Where the film and the real case differ, is that the little girl mutated into a 150 foot T-Rex, and devoured most of lower Manhattan. Soon afterwards the exorcism brought her under control and the whole thing was hushed up by those fat cats in Government.

    Yes, and the young boy in RL grew up, got married, and worked as an airline pilot (I think he's in his 50s now). The house where the incident occurred burnt to the ground inexplicably and has never been rebuilt. The houses either side weren't damaged in any way.

    :eek:


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  • #42
    dublinario
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 633 ✭✭✭dublinario


    Lobelia Overhil wrote: »
    Yes, and the young boy in RL grew up, got married, and worked as an airline pilot (I think he's in his 50s now). The house where the incident occurred burnt to the ground inexplicably and has never been rebuilt. The houses either side weren't damaged in any way.

    :eek:

    Also, the builders yard that produced the bricks to originally build the house burned down. So too did the businesses that produced the roof slates, the fixtures, the plumbing, the furnishings and the paint. The company that produced the fireplace was unaffected.


  • #43
    brennaldo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 484 ✭✭brennaldo


    i dont think you need one, but if your head does a 360 turn then you might indeed need one.


  • #44
    merlie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 673 ✭✭✭merlie


    You may have a chest infection with that green stuff. Check yourself up to a doctors and get him to have a look at you.


  • #45
    dublinario
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 633 ✭✭✭dublinario


    brennaldo wrote: »
    i dont think you need one, but if your head does a 360 turn then you might indeed need one.

    Does 720 count as 360? Because it's doing double-revolutions. Also my penis has grown by (conservative estimate) 8%. I'm not complaining about the penis thing, but the head-spinning is making me nauseous.


  • #46
    dublinario
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 633 ✭✭✭dublinario


    merlie wrote: »
    You may have a chest infection with that green stuff. Check yourself up to a doctors and get him to have a look at you.

    Doctors? Sure what do they know? What could a doctor tell me that a Catholic priest couldn't? That's why I forced (at gunpoint) a priest to perform an operation on my appendix in 2001. Now, granted, I ended up in a coma for 6 months, but with God's grace, I pulled through and regained most of my faculties.


  • #47
    nedoo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 195 ✭✭nedoo


    I hear they are adding a 10% tax to Exorcisms so I would book today to avoid the extra charge. Also, have it done in english as you will know what demons and general evilness you are getting rid of. There is nothing more annoying than having an exorcism and getting home to find yourself still full of badness.


  • #48
    dublinario
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 633 ✭✭✭dublinario


    nedoo wrote: »
    I hear they are adding a 10% tax to Exorcisms so I would book today to avoid the extra charge. Also, have it done in english as you will know what demons and general evilness you are getting rid of. There is nothing more annoying than having an exorcism and getting home to find yourself still full of badness.

    I think the incoming 10% duty on exorcisms is a disgrace Nedoo. They're penalising the most vulnerable segment of society: people whose beds are levitating, and having the words HELP ME appear scrawled into their flesh. They should be taking us out of the tax net, not further financially impeding us.

    As for having the exorcism performed in English, it's not a problem. I'm speaking in tongues anyway, so I'm pretty sure I'll understand any language they do it in,

    Bonjour,
    Le Dub


  • #49
    faceman
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 16,691 CMod ✭✭✭✭faceman


    You'll be saying alot worse about people's mothers after the budget tomorrow...


  • #50
    Kimbot
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 19,071 Mod ✭✭✭✭Kimbot


    SDooM wrote: »
    No one has ever needed an exorcism ever before, can't see why you'd be the first...
    Lobelia Overhil wrote: »
    that was based on the actual events of the only Exorcism the Catholic Church has publicly admitted to being involved in ...

    but don't have nightmares

    Holy cow batman, I found this on Wiki!!!

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exorcism

    Salvador Dalí is reputed to have received an exorcism from Italian friar, Gabriele Maria Berardi, while he was in France in 1947. Dali created a sculpture of Christ on the cross which he gave the friar in thanks.[16]

    Anneliese Michel was a Catholic woman from Germany who was said to be possessed by six or more demons and subsequently underwent an exorcism in 1975. Two motion pictures, The Exorcism of Emily Rose and Requiem are loosely based on Anneliese's story.

    A boy identified by the pseudonym "Roland Doe" was the subject of an exorcism in 1949, which became the subject of The Exorcist, a horror novel and later film written by William Peter Blatty. Blatty heard about the case while he was a student in the class of 1950 at Georgetown University. The exorcism was partially performed in both Cottage City, Maryland and Bel-Nor, Missouri[17] by Father William S. Bowdern, S.J. and a then Jesuit scholastic Fr. Walter Halloran, S.J.[18]

    Mother Teresa allegedly underwent an exorcism late in life under the direction of the Archbishop of Calcutta, Henry D'Souza, after he noticed she seemed to be extremely agitated in her sleep and feared she "might be under the attack of the evil one."[19]

    OP contact the above (Even spirits if they are dead) and get some advice. Mother Teresa would be your best bet.....


  • #51
    dublinario
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 633 ✭✭✭dublinario


    faceman wrote: »
    You'll be saying alot worse about people's mothers after the budget tomorrow...

    It couldn't be that much worse, surely?


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  • #52
    dublinario
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 633 ✭✭✭dublinario


    jonny24ie wrote: »
    OP contact the above (Even spirits if they are dead) and get some advice. Mother Teresa would be your best bet.....

    I have my suspicions that it's Teresa who's possessing me. I first suspected as much when I woke up and realised I'd attached a tea-towel on my head in my sleep. My next clue was realising I had been scrawling 'MOTHER TERESA WOZ ERE' on all available flat surfaces.


  • #53
    Indie18
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭Indie18


    dublinario wrote: »
    I have my suspicions that it's Teresa who's possessing me. I first suspected as much when I woke up and realised I'd attached a tea-towel on my head in my sleep. My next clue was realising I had been scrawling 'MOTHER TERESA WOZ ERE' on all available flat surfaces.

    Are you sure you didn't just leave a messege for your mother telling her that Teresa was there.


  • #54
    Kimbot
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 19,071 Mod ✭✭✭✭Kimbot


    dublinario wrote: »
    I have my suspicions that it's Teresa who's possessing me. I first suspected as much when I woke up and realised I'd attached a tea-towel on my head in my sleep. My next clue was realising I had been scrawling 'MOTHER TERESA WOZ ERE' on all available flat surfaces.


    Your in serious trouble so.......


    On a more interesting note, having just read this article:


    http://www.strangemag.com/exorcistpage1.html

    Pretty good I have to say!!


  • #55
    faceman
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 16,691 CMod ✭✭✭✭faceman


    dublinario wrote: »
    It couldn't be that much worse, surely?

    Dimmy, why you do this to me Dimmy? :D


  • #56
    dublinario
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 633 ✭✭✭dublinario


    Indie18 wrote: »
    Are you sure you didn't just leave a messege for your mother telling her that Teresa was there.

    Impossible. My only parent (Frankie) was a self-fertilised hermaphrodite. I would never refer to Frankie as father or mother. I call it Frankie, or Self-fertilised Hermaphrodite (which is a mouthful).


  • #57
    LouOB
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭LouOB


    galwayrush wrote: »
    Serious question, can an aetheist get possessed by something they don't believe in?:rolleyes:

    Just because you dont believe in God
    Doesnt mean the devil doesnt believe in you

    Dub - Sounds like abit of a viral infection going on
    Get some bed rest for the week
    If symptoms persist and you live in Sunnydale, please find a good looking blonde with tight trousers. She wants to show you a good time;)

    Other than that, please stop reading the bible to wind us up


  • #58
    dublinario
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 633 ✭✭✭dublinario


    LouOB wrote: »
    Just because you dont believe in God
    Doesnt mean the devil doesnt believe in you

    When you say 'you', do you mean me specifically? Jesus, now I'm really freaked out. Do you think the devil has a poster of me on his wall, and he lies in bed throwing darts at it, and occasionally projectile-vomiting at it?

    I've heard enough. It's monk school for me. Presumably monks can't get possessed, so I'm going to pick a nice cushy monastery -- one that makes wine, preferably-- and live out my days possession free.


  • #59
    LouOB
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭LouOB


    dublinario wrote: »
    When you say 'you', do you mean me specifically? Jesus, now I'm really freaked out. Do you think the devil has a poster of me on his wall, and he lies in bed throwing darts at it, and occasionally projectile-vomiting at it?

    I've heard enough. It's monk school for me. Presumably monks can't get possessed, so I'm going to pick a nice cushy monastery -- one that makes wine, preferably-- and live out my days in possession free.

    yes


  • #60
    Agonist
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,329 ✭✭✭Agonist


    dublinario wrote: »
    I have my suspicions that it's Teresa who's possessing me. I first suspected as much when I woke up and realised I'd attached a tea-towel on my head in my sleep. My next clue was realising I had been scrawling 'MOTHER TERESA WOZ ERE' on all available flat surfaces.

    If all this started around the time Mother T died then think again because it could be Lady Di at it again. She killed Teresa shortly after she went to hell.


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  • #61
    Indie18
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 799 ✭✭✭Indie18


    dublinario wrote: »
    When you say 'you', do you mean me specifically? Jesus, now I'm really freaked out. Do you think the devil has a poster of me on his wall, and he lies in bed throwing darts at it, and occasionally projectile-vomiting at it?

    I've heard enough. It's monk school for me. Presumably monks can't get possessed, so I'm going to pick a nice cushy monastery -- one that makes wine, preferably-- and live out my days in possession free.

    Ah but you already seem to be possessed, so there for will not be able to become a monk on the basis that you are already possessed.


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