Power in Relationships

midlandsmissus

Me and the girls were talking about this at the weekend, and it was v.interesting, so was wondering what people's opinions on here would be.

We all realised we had a very similiar recurring issue in our relationship history.....what I'll call....the power!

Basically I used to go out with this guy where I was more into him than he was into me. You know, he would be quite indifferent sometimes, keep me on my toes etc etc. This only made me even more mad about him...the thrill of the chase etc. Anyway we eventually broke up and I was gutted for ages.

Got over him eventually and started going out with new fella, am with him now. I was quite indifferent this time, as I suppose I was just wasn't that bothered after the last time. This made my new fella absolutely crazy about me! I was very cool with him and he was practically obsessed, used to constantly tell me 'i kept him on his toes' and 'he never knew what i was thinking' and 'he was so deeply in love with me'

I realised that he felt so strongly about me really because of my behaviour, because I keep him on his toes, kept him guessing. And then I realised that I was so mad about the last fella purely for the same reason.

Therefore it led me to wonder.....does love really boil down to just the thrill of the chase? I was talking to my friends and they all said the same. That One person is always more into the other one in any relationship. One of them wasn't really that bothered when she got with her boyfriend and he was absolutely fanatical about her, does everything for her, still to this day. Antoher one is hopelessly in love with her fella and he messes her around all the time.

Is it just the old treat em mean keep em keen? What do u think?

Dragan

Personally i believe that eventually people reach a level of maturity that allows them to interact as adults and conduct their relationships as such.

The whole "treat them mean, keep them keen" thing is juvenile to say the least.

nice1franko

In some episode of Malcolm in the Middle, the oul one realises that the husband loves her more than she loves him so she tells him what she thinks and he says something like:

I know that but its fine! if you loved me as much as I loved you then we'd never leave the bedroom... we'd never get anything done!"

Personally, I think he's mad... I'd need a few beers first.

Polleta

I would say my early relationships were like that but my most recent serious one was a lot more equal on every level and the chase was more the two of us walking around in circles unsure if the other one fancied us.

I think there comes a point where maturity in relationships come into play and 'the power' you are talking about doesnt exist.

On saying that one person always holds the power at a stage in the relationship but its not about who loves whom more. Its about who is the stronger person at that moment. Its a wonder my ex and I didnt fight more cos we were both used to being in control and yet we gave up control to the other half the time. Was my healthiest and most fulfilling relationship to date.

Puddleduck

I can understand where your coming from but then again why would you be with someone that you are indifferent to?

I like to treat my other half respectfully, I dont make him feel he has to chase me and Im pretty sure he loves me as much as I love him

*passes bucket*

minidazzler

Defintely Girls then, because Women wouldn't act like this, would they?

I have been in the situation and yes fell hard and fast, thought I was in "love", but realised it was more of Lust afterwards, and realised just how much she fcuked me around, so I now have made the decision to never let a girl fcuk with my head again!!!!

midlandsmissus

Dragan wrote: »

Personally i believe that eventually people reach a level of maturity that allows them to interact as adults and conduct their relationships as such.

The whole "treat them mean, keep them keen" thing is juvenile to say the least.

I hope I reach that level someday

Ah no I do feel like I'm on a level playing field with my partner now. We've been together for 2 yrs and I love him very much. But at the start when I wasn't that bothered even though I did like him (I wasn't that bothered about anything cause was still a bit heartbroken) this really made him pure cracked about me.

Which goes to show that alot of that heady obession in the early days with some-one is really the thrill of the chase I think, until it settles down into a more mature relationship. But some relationships keep on going like that in the case of alot of people I know, there are an awful lot of relationships I know where one is more into the other and are completely bethralled by them because of this. And these wouldn't be young people, so there is immaturity at every age. I wonder do these relationships ever work out in the long term.

LolaLuv

nice1franko wrote: »

In some episode of Malcolm in the Middle, the oul one realises that the husband loves her more than she loves him so she tells him what she thinks and he says something like:

I know that but its fine! if you loved me as much as I loved you then we'd never leave the bedroom... we'd never get anything done!"

Personally, I think he's mad... I'd need a few beers first.

I love Hal!! He's the best. I'm not getting married until I'm 80, but when I do I hope it's to someone like him.

I think guys do like games, at least the younger ones. I don't manipulate crushes and I've found that friends of mine who do generally are more successful. That's all right, though. I'm not about to start doing it because it just isn't my style.

Dragan

LolaLuv wrote: »

I don't manipulate crushes and I've found that friends of mine who do generally are more successful.

Chances are that if you are in either a position to manipulate, or be manipulated then the relationship is not what either of you actually think it is and it won't last anyway.

Personally i believe that it takes iron to sharpen iron, if your mates are getting kicks from manipulating lesser minds or people lacking in emotional development then it indicates to me they are armed with a dull blade and would rapidly sink in the murky waters and expectations of an honest to god relationship.

Christ, i am in a weird mood today!:D

LolaLuv

Dragan wrote: »

Chances are that if you are in either a position to manipulate, or be manipulated then the relationship is not what either of you actually think it is and it won't last anyway.

I agree. One of the friends I was discussing this with said "What's wrong with making your man more your man?" I guess nothing, really, but who has the fucking energy, you know? I'd rather just be myself with my own positives and idiosyncrasies and hope that eventually I meet a man who loves me enough that I don't feel like I'd need to manipulate him. It just seems really deceptive. It shouldn't take that much work to make someone happy to be with you.

jim o doom

well I have the accolade of "least whipped" amongst my mates - but least whipped isn't "not whipped" haha

Yeah but as far as the "power" goes - we get our turns at it, but it isn't thought out, it's fluid and unthinking & if any sort of mind games ever occur (and I think they don't) - they wouldnt be entirely subconciously done..

If you have to manipulate someone, what are you trying to achieve? Why would you treat someone you like mean?

Nevyn

To stop themseleves from being hurt as they are not recovered from thier last relationship
and still have bagagge they are ignoring.

Dragan

LolaLuv wrote: »

I agree. One of the friends I was discussing this with said "What's wrong with making your man more your man?" I guess nothing, really, but who has the fucking energy, you know? I'd rather just be myself with my own positives and idiosyncrasies and hope that eventually I meet a man who loves me enough that I don't feel like I'd need to manipulate him. It just seems really deceptive. It shouldn't take that much work to make someone happy to be with you.

Bingo. I think the idea of "manufacturing" something cannot be applied to relationships. You need to able to act and speak naturally and instinctively. If you are putting on a show, eventually it leaks through. If you are creating situations then i would simply ask do you want a relationship or do you want to play a game.

I hear Scrabble can be fun.

At the end of the day the greatest compliment you can pay a partner is to simply love and accept the person that they are, for the rights and the wrongs and the good and the bad.

Snowie

So is this what every one is trying to say

girl meets boy, boy keeps her on her toes , it fizzels out girl get's hurt and dumped/...

girl meets new boy but is slightly numb to the happyness of meeting some new but keeps her self at a distance, which in fact make's boy turn into the most loved up loon on the plannet... due to the fact that the girl does like him but she's holding back simply because she doesnt want to get hurt or has'nt yet got over the problems from the last reletionship ?

if that be's the case that damm complacated...

midlandsmissus

Dragan wrote: »

Bingo. I think the idea of "manufacturing" something cannot be applied to relationships. You need to able to act and speak naturally and instinctively. If you are putting on a show, eventually it leaks through. If you are creating situations then i would simply ask do you want a relationship or do you want to play a game.

I hear Scrabble can be fun.

At the end of the day the greatest compliment you can pay a partner is to simply love and accept the person that they are, for the rights and the wrongs and the good and the bad.

But the thing is...I didn't put on a show. That was just the way my personality was then. because I was bruised from the past relationship, I just kept to myself more, didn't call him as much etc. (Which he called keeping him on his toes) Its only looking back at it that I thought all this. Never once did i think 'Oh yeah haha i'll treat him mean and keep him keen', I just didn't give as much of myself as i did in the previous relationship. Which in turn made him more mad about me.

Which led me to think ...is that the only reason I was so mad about the last fella

Which in turn led me to think....we don't really fall for what people actually are at the beginning of alot of relationships...its more the thrill of the drama and the not knowing...which is why alot of women go for bad guys.

If you can get over that exciting stage, and stay with some-one through all the dull day to day bits of a relationship, that's real love!

Dragan

midlandsmissus wrote: »

But the thing is...I didn't put on a show. That was just the way my personality was then. because I was bruised from the past relationship, I just kept to myself more, didn't call him as much etc. (Which he called keeping him on his toes) Its only looking back at it that I thought all this. Never once did i think 'Oh yeah haha i'll treat him mean and keep him keen', I just didn't give as much of myself as i did in the previous relationship. Which in turn made him more mad about me.

Which led me to think ...is that the only reason I was so mad about the last fella

Which in turn led me to think....we don't really fall for what people actually are at the beginning of alot of relationships...its more the thrill of the drama and the not knowing...which is why alot of women go for bad guys.

If you can get over that exciting stage, and stay with some-one through all the dull day to day bits of a relationship, that's real love!

Alternatively, you do fall for the person they actually are and the excitment stays there all the time.

My parents have been happily married for over 30 years and not once have i seen them bored in each other's company.

My Father still tells me, in secret and on the promise that i never tell my mother and ruin his fun, that she still excites him as much when he see's her now as the first time he saw her, that he still flirts with her as he did and even now, when the light catches her a certain way it almost makes his heart stop.

That's love.

midlandsmissus

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

So is this what every one is trying to say

girl meets boy, boy keeps her on her toes , it fizzels out girl get's hurt and dumped/...

girl meets new boy but is slightly numb to the happyness of meeting some new but keeps her self at a distance, which in fact make's boy turn into the most loved up loon on the plannet... due to the fact that the girl does like him but she's holding back simply because she doesnt want to get hurt or has'nt yet got over the problems from the last reletionship ?

if that be's the case that damm complacated...

That's exactly the case!! For both genders i think. I'll use the case of a friend's uncle. My parents said he was really good looking when he was young, he was the stud of the area, and had every woman he wanted. Got a girl pregnant and didn't want a bit of her, because she was cracked about him so i'm told.
Anyway he had everyone he wanted and treated them all like s*ite,but then, there was ONE girl who went out with him for a while, wasn't that bothered about him, he changed his ways - did everything for her. She ditched him. He was gutted, apparantly never got over her and still hankers after her to this day (It's local legend).
Now did he really like her or was it just because she was the one woman who wasn't that bothered with him?
Another girl I know is stunning - could have everyone she wants - and yet she hankers after this one ejit who treats her like s*ite.

There's alot of it going on....

shellyboo

Dragan wrote: »

Alternatively, you do fall for the person they actually are and the excitment stays there all the time.

My parents have been happily married for over 30 years and not once have i seen them bored in each other's company.

My Father still tells me, in secret and on the promise that i never tell my mother and ruin his fun, that she still excites him as much when he see's her now as the first time he saw her, that he still flirts with her as he did and even now, when the light catches her a certain way it almost makes his heart stop.

That's love.

Awwwwwwwwwww! Want

Nevyn

My parents are like that. How they are, how they share life's burdens, joys and responsiblities
over the years and still get turned on by each other is wonderful.
Sets a high standard mind.

midlandsmissus

Dragan wrote: »

Alternatively, you do fall for the person they actually are and the excitment stays there all the time.

My parents have been happily married for over 30 years and not once have i seen them bored in each other's company.

My Father still tells me, in secret and on the promise that i never tell my mother and ruin his fun, that she still excites him as much when he see's her now as the first time he saw her, that he still flirts with her as he did and even now, when the light catches her a certain way it almost makes his heart stop.

That's love.

I think aswell, there's a BIG influence from your parents in your own future relationships.

I think if you grew up in a household where your parents were in love and said lovely things like that to you, you might be more likely of having that kind of love yourself.

However, if you grow up in a divorced home, where anytime your parents get together they just scream abuse at each other (like my own) it's harder to form loving relationships of your own, as you have nothing to base it on.

Im sure thats not the case for everyone, but it is for some people, (I've had this convo with other friends with parents who have spilt up)

Dragan

midlandsmissus wrote: »

There's alot of it going on....

Just because something can be seen as a common model or a statistically likely occurance doesn't make it a "must", if you get me.

We are all in charge and responsible for how we deal with and treat other people. I would hazard a guess that your friends are not yet fully emotionally developed when it comes to relationships. They may or they may not develop further at some point.

But i would put money on the ones who do ending up happy, and the ones who don't ending up telling themselves they are.

midlandsmissus

Dragan wrote: »

Just because something can be seen as a common model or a statistically likely occurance doesn't make it a "must", if you get me.

We are all in charge and responsible for how we deal with and treat other people. I would hazard a guess that your friends are not yet fully emotionally developed when it comes to relationships. They may or they may not develop further at some point.

But i would put money on the ones who do ending up happy, and the ones who don't ending up telling themselves they are.

It's not just my friends tho...it's colleagues etc. But I agree you do have to be true to yourself.

Snowie

midlandsmissus wrote: »

That's exactly the case!! For both genders i think. I'll use the case of a friend's uncle. My parents said he was really good looking when he was young, he was the stud of the area, and had every woman he wanted. Got a girl pregnant and didn't want a bit of her, because she was cracked about him so i'm told.
Anyway he had everyone he wanted and treated them all like s*ite,but then, there was ONE girl who went out with him for a while, wasn't that bothered about him, he changed his ways - did everything for her. She ditched him. He was gutted, apparantly never got over her and still hankers after her to this day (It's local legend).
Now did he really like her or was it just because she was the one woman who wasn't that bothered with him?
Another girl I know is stunning - could have everyone she wants - and yet she hankers after this one ejit who treats her like s*ite.

What I see, is two things......

You've got to be strong to love... there's room to get hurt. Beause at least once in your life you gotta experence the harshness of hurt it's part of life... But becoming emotionally numb towards some one who's showing you affection is, well what good can it do... In the past Ive been that guy, pining after women for the simple fact i had nothing else to hold on..
But my question is why be in the dateing game if your in the mind set is, bassicly emotionaly withdrawness it doesnt sound like very much fun to be quite honest it sound's horrible...

Some one's making every effort for you, and all you can do is be even more emoptionally withdrawn, in the past that would of driven me nuts now Id cut and run whast the point making and effort for some one when there like that?

Your Uncle sounds like he was wanting something he can't have espechilly if you are some what, used to having everything you want...

As your for your friend id say she's happy to get hurt but she know's hel be there in some way or another, and she probably know's it's wrong, but doesnt want to feel the fact of having nothing... Lonlyness would be a facter to if you askeds me again i was in the same possion i had a gf who treated me like **** but id jump for her....But now i do what i want when i want...

Dragan

Thaedydal wrote: »

My parents are like that. How they are, how they share life's burdens, joys and responsiblities
over the years and still get turned on by each other is wonderful.
Sets a high standard mind.

You are tying your current incarnation to someone else's current incarnation. Entrusting them with your happiness, your heart, your soul, your essence.

Standards should be high i think.

Nevyn

Dragan wrote: »

You are tying your current incarnation to someone else's current incarnation. Entrusting them with your happiness, your heart, your soul, your essence.

Yes but when that happens and the relationship fails
the extraction process can be agonising and a lot slower then you think,
it's not something to under take lightly.

Dragan wrote: »

Standards should be high i think.

For that type of joining and melding you need to have known the person
in all seasons before you let it start imho.

Earthhorse

jim o doom wrote: »

Yeah but as far as the "power" goes - we get our turns at it, but it isn't thought out, it's fluid and unthinking & if any sort of mind games ever occur (and I think they don't) - they wouldnt be entirely subconciously done.

Very true; relationships ebb and flow like anything else. For some less than others sure but there are bound to be times where one person wants something - sex, moving in, marriage - that the other person isn't ready for yet. The question is whether, when these gaps arise, the person "less into" the relationship abuses that position conciously, in which case it's unlikely to last, or unconciously, in which case when it's brought to their attention do they correct their behaviour.

Dragan

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes but when that happens and the relationship fails
the extraction process can be agonising and a lot slower then you think,
it's not something to under take lightly.

I agree, believe me, i have been through the mill.

For that type of joining and melding you need to have known the person
in all seasons before you let it start imho.

Once again i completely agree.

Nevyn

The thing is can you be that way and still be able to change and grow and allow the other
person to change and grow ?

From time to time, you will make mistakes. They’re inevitable. Sometimes those mistakes will be…huge. What matters is that you learn from them. There’s nothing wrong with falling down, so long as you end up just two inches taller when you pick yourself up off the floor. At times, you may end up far away from home. You may not be sure of where you belong anymore. But home is always there. Because home is not a place. It’s wherever your passion takes you. As you continue on your path…you will lose some friends and gain new ones. The process is painful, but often necessary. They will change, and you will change because life is change. From time to time…they must find their own way, and that way may not be yours. Enjoy them for what they are. And remember them for what they were.
I really do believe that sooner or later, no matter what happens…things do work out. Oh, we have hard times. We suffer. We lose loved ones. The road is never easy. It was never meant to be easy. But in the long run…if you stay true to what you believe, things do work out. Always be willing to fight for what you believe in. It doesn’t matter if 1000 people agree with you or one person agrees with you. It doesn’t matter if you stand completely alone. Fight for what you believe in.
- from “Babylon 5: Objects at Rest”

Dragan

Thaedydal wrote: »

The thing is can you be that way and still be able to change and grow and allow the other
person to change and grow ?

Yes.

It's an easy answer with a complex explanation i guess.

I can go into it you like, but it will be a tl:dr.

I think the power struggle thing is more pertinent at the beginning of a relationship when neither party wants to become "the doormat". People naturally want to lay down their ground rules and make it clear what will and will not be tolerated. This may require a couple of arguments/serious discussions with your OH about what you expect from them and vice versa. I think once this grounding is established then anyone who is emotionally developed and mature will settle into a good relationship and forget about constantly trying to remember to exert their power.

I can only speak from experience but I know that I fell into the being "whipped" trap when I was younger and as the relationship went on and I tried to get out of that trap, then the relationship suffered as I had allowed myself to be the doormat at the begininning. Every relationship I've had since then, I have laid out the rules early and on occasions walked away from girls who would not respect this. But what this does is allow me to be myself comfortably knowing that my OH knows what I expect from her, and vice versa.

I actually think the inital power struggle is important to provide a solid grounding in a relationship. I also think a CONTINUAL power struggle is the sign of a bad relationship.

LouOB

I understand where the op is coming from - where one person is more nonchalant about a relationship and other is 'keen'. This type of scenario happens everyday in new relationships where people are not in a comfortable position to share their feelings. It would depend on each person in the relationship to determine if the other person is 'worth' the effort.
If you are the keen one, this is v hard as the other person appears unfeeling but is willing to meet up and such. But if you are the flippant one - do the other person a favour and call it quits. As there is nothing more frustrating that a mind fcuk

But power struggles happen in relationships all the time. This is part of life. As one person one week might not be as strong the next. If you have met a person who is worthy of your time/attention and you are worthy of theirs - As the relationship progresses each of you will need to prop the other one up in down times. But if mind fcuk's are still occurring in a 'mature' relationship i.e. over 2yrs imo. Then its not doing anyone any good what so ever

I think I said what Thaedydal said only less eloquent

Dragan

LouOB wrote: »

But power struggles happen in relationships all the time. This is part of life. As one person one week might not be as strong the next. If you have met a person who is worthy of your time/attention and you are worthy of theirs - As the relationship progresses each of you will need to prop the other one up in down times.

Thats not a power struggle though, that is power sharing and is the key to a balanced relationship i feel.

aoibhebree

I've been in one relationship where I was more into him than he was to me. It wasn't all that much fun, but I certainly wasn't in love with him, and it wasn't serious enough for him to have any "power" over me. I broke up with after two months because I knew I deserved better.

I've been in two fairly serious relationships where the other person loved me more than I loved him. I didn't like the person I became in those situations, I behaved badly and disrespectfully because I knew I could do whatever I wanted and be forgiven. I'm not saying I did anything that terrible, but I still didn't like the way I was acting, so I broke up with them. And both times it had such a bad impact on them, and I did care about them, so I really don't want to ever be in that position again. In fact, if I had to choose one or the other, I think I'd rather be the one with less power than more power. It's a bit boring knowing that you don't have to make any effort and they'll still worship the ground you walk on!

In my current relationship, we love each other to bits in a very healthy, equal way. It's not a case of one of us having "power" over the other, we just both adore each other and want to make each other happy.

I can't see a how a relationship could be sustained in the long term if it was any other way.

LouOB

Dragan wrote: »

Thats not a power struggle though, that is power sharing and is the key to a balanced relationship i feel.

True
Thanks;)

bnagrrl

Dragan wrote: »

My Father still tells me, in secret and on the promise that i never tell my mother and ruin his fun, that she still excites him as much when he see's her now as the first time he saw her, that he still flirts with her as he did and even now, when the light catches her a certain way it almost makes his heart stop.

That's love.

Awwwwwww! Lovely!

MJOR

Generally I have a rule that I never persecute one for anothers mistakes.

I think that both parties are always slightly wary at the start but you sort of bond and grow together in the relationship.

The idea that one loves and the other loves kinda baffles me. My mom always used to say "Don't marry the man you love marry the man that loves you" - I used to laugh because she was engaged when she met my Dad... and I'd imagine did a bit of the chasing. And yet my Dad used to say that he loved her from the minute he saw her (they didn't start dating til five years later) Thats love I think... When you both feel it, both think that you feel so deep about the other one.

I think that we can all find "the one" but all the tral and error and heartbreak that comes before shapes you as aperson. You make the mistakes and then are ready to love.

MadgeBadge

Is the person who has the power the person who loves less?

I always felt my ex-boyfriend was in control of our relationship because I loved him so much more than he did me. I wanted to work through differences, while he would have let them snow-balled until we broke up.

spinandscribble

Dragan wrote: »

Alternatively, you do fall for the person they actually are and the excitment stays there all the time.

My parents have been happily married for over 30 years and not once have i seen them bored in each other's company.

My Father still tells me, in secret and on the promise that i never tell my mother and ruin his fun, that she still excites him as much when he see's her now as the first time he saw her, that he still flirts with her as he did and even now, when the light catches her a certain way it almost makes his heart stop.

That's love.

thats wonderful to hear:)

gagomes

My only relationship so far was basically just like this. I've fell in love for a girl oceans apart and she, for the most part, always acted like as if she could bail out of the relationship at any time without suffering and not exposing her feelings, but I always felt loved by her somehow. However, it all seemed a game to her, but to me, it was my pink-all-around romance, the true one, the one I wanted to get married with. Until I started to get tired of giving my full attention to her in detriment of all the other things I had in life like my own interests, my job, my space, etc and started to care about these the most. It was then that I started noticing that she loved me, however, we just broke up a few days ago (honestly tired of saying this!) and even though it sucks and it hurts, our relationship was so "overused" that I only regret having given so much for someone who was simply more mature than I was in both age and relationships and who didn't quite care and who took it for granted.

Free TIP: Do yourself a favour, don't let any person be in control of the relationship for as much as you love him/her. if he/she loves you as much as you love him/her, make sure both are doing their homeworks and announcing it properly. It's not normal that somepeople act this way.

Just watch it all from a safe distance and act accordingly to your heart's rationale.

Bottle_of_Smoke

It happens an awful lot.

Often the person with the "power" is too insecure to go out with someone they would feel equal to.

Also the people who don't have the power often use subtle guilt trips to make the better half stay around longer