Agony Auntie Fred

Turd Ferguson

My poo has blood in it. What should I do?

DarkJager

Turd Ferguson wrote: »

My poo has blood in it. What should I do?

Try finger painting.

Prof.Badass

Turd Ferguson wrote: »

My poo has blood in it. What should I do?

Don't go scabby with the lube next time and it won't happen again.

Queen-Mise

vinylmesh wrote: »

help. I know a disturbing and embarrasing secret about colrow but i promised i wouldn't tell anyone. I can't hold it in. What should i do?

Dear vinylmesh,
I really think it is your civic duty to tell us in detail colrow's secret. This is a very positive step in colrow's development as a upstanding member of society.

Thanking in advance
Queen-mise

Queen-Mise

colrow wrote: »

Dear Agony Queen,

Theres this queen wot loves me, she probably thinks of me as a bit of ruff really, if I invite her for breakfast at dublin airport on sunday, on my way back to jimmyland, should I let her nibble on my pork sausage, or is it too soon for that ?

Dear Colrow,
Until you ask this potential love in your life you will never know if she will accept the invite. Meeting in Dublin Airport is a brilliant idea, as it is a very open safe place. Please tell us how you get on.

Thanks
Queen-mise

Queen-Mise

vinylmesh wrote: »

HE TOUCHES HIMSELF :eek:!

Dear Vinylmesh,
We need to know more information than that, many people touch themselves when they are rubbing a nose or scratching an ear. In what way does he touch himself - and I presume we are talking about Colrow.

Thanks
Queen-mise

Queen-Mise

Turd Ferguson wrote: »

My poo has blood in it. What should I do?

Dear Turd Ferguson,
Were you doing anything that would cause your poo to have blood in it. If not I would recommend eating more fibre and a nice cup of tea with some hob nobs would also be good.

Thanks
Queen-mise

colrow

Dear Aunty Queen_Mise

Wheres everyone gone ? I can't find anyone to play with, besides myself of course ;-)

cherryghost

Dear Agony Aunt Queen_Mise

how can i help colrow realise his dirty ways and be more productive in life?

kerash

colrow wrote: »

Tss tss feeling jealous are you lttle Kerash, thats because you haven't had your hob knobs yet, you know jolly well my keyboard spell chekker is broken, and it goes phonetic sometimes, who's thread indeed, its mine so bog off.

Dear Fred,
Get your facts straight.
You strike me as a quack tbh.
I'm not little.
Answer me this;
I haz no nob knobz, I dont know what a hob knob is, although I am familiar with hob nobs.?
Also technically I am already in the bog, so how can I bog off?
And remember it's kerash lower-case k :rolleyes:

Cupcake_Crisis

Dear queenie
........why am i so very alone....:( ???

colrow

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Dear queenie
........why am i so very alone....:( ???

Dear Cupcake Crisis,

You are alone cos you never made it to breakfast at Doubling Airport, I would have glady slipped you a portion of my pork sauage, while I was waiting for qm.

Now I suggest you make yourself a nice cup of tea have a whole packet of hobknobs and weep pitylessly for hours regretting your missed oppurtunity this morning.

Randly Uncle Fred

kerash

To whom it may concern,
It feels as though I'm being ignored, I've done nothing to warrent that my issues are valid!!
Maybe you is under-qualified and therefore ill equipped to respond to me? If so, apologies for highlighting your limited capabilities.
p.s
haz a hob nob

Queen-Mise

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Dear queenie
........why am i so very alone....:( ???

Dear cupcake crisis,
The reason you are alone is that you don't leave the house ever. I really think it is a good idea for you to mix with the outside world. Maybe go out with a tray with cups of tea and some hobnobs and offer them to your neighbours. Please tell me how you get on.

Thanks
Queen-mise

Queen-Mise

cherryghost wrote: »

Dear Agony Aunt Queen_Mise

how can i help colrow realise his dirty ways and be more productive in life?

Dear cherryghost,
it is your civic duty to help colrow with his dirty ways. i have a few recommendations for websites & dvd's that will help. And make sure to always finish off with a cup of tea and a hobnob.

Thanks
Queen-mise

colrow

Dear Krash

You will have noticed that queen mise was sposed to be taking over this fred, and she's just proved yet again you can't rely on wimminz in a time of crisis.

So my advice to you speeking as a flully unfledged counsellor, is to keep on eating as many hob knobs as you can, and come back in a few weeks and see how you feel then, you'll probbly feel fat, bloated annd people will point at you and stare, whispering to each other "look at that fat bastard" but the point is you won't feel ignored any more.

yours uncle fred

Queen-Mise

kerash wrote: »

To whom it may concern,
It feels as though I'm being ignored, I've done nothing to warrent that my issues are valid!!
Maybe you is under-qualified and therefore ill equipped to respond to me? If so, apologies for highlighting your limited capabilities.
p.s
haz a hob nob

Dear kerash,
That is a foul accusation to accuse me of being under-qualified. I happen to have a life away from the CN.
I think this really does show your problems with understanding of other people's life and problems in the world and also the fact that the world doesn't revolve around you.
My suggestion is that you sit down with someone who needs help and offer them a cup of tea and a hobnob.

Thanks
Queen-mise

kerash

I f'dyp

colrow wrote: »

Dear kerash

You will have noticed that queen mise was supposed to be taking over this fred, and she's just proved yet again you can't rely on wimminz in a time of crisis.

So my advice to you speeking as a flully unfledged counsellor, is to keep on eating as many hob knobs as you can, and come back in a few weeks and see how you feel then, you'll probbly feel fat, bloated annd people will point at you and stare, whispering to each other "look at that fat bastard" but the point is you won't feel ignored any more.

yours uncle fred

queen-mise wrote: »

Dear kerash,
That is a foul accusation to accuse me of being under-qualified. I happen to have a life away from the CN.
I think this really does show your problems with understanding of other people's life and problems in the world and also the fact that the world doesn't revolve around you.
My suggestion is that you sit down with someone who needs help and offer them a cup of tea and a hobnob.

Thanks
Queen-mise

I didnt know it was your fred, I thought it was mine. After all you agree that the world does indeed revolve around me. You're welcome btw, dont mention it

p.s It didnt have to come to this, If it wasn't for colrows reply to my first question (the response I was looking for was 'Freds dead baby. Freds dead' ala Pulp Fiction.)
But as my character is being assassinated by a pair of quacks I look forward to when your Fred is infact dead.

colrow

Dear Key Rash,

What are you blathering on abought, this isn't a fred about obscure filums, its about having your self anal ised, you arent eating enuff hobnobs or maybe your eeting some other kind of knob, which we don't want to know about.

My recomodation after consultation withe the Queen, is to double up on the hobnobs, and add in 3 quarter ponder meals as an inbetween smeal snack.

kerash

colrow wrote: »

Dear Key Rash kerash,

What are you blathering on abought about, this isn't a fred zed thread about obscure well known filums movies, its about having you. r self anal ised, you are nt eating enuff hobnobs or maybe your eeting some other kind of knob, which we don't want to know about.

My recomodation after consultation withe the Queen, is to double up on the hobnobs, and add in 3 quarter ponder meals as an inbetween smeal snack.

Thanks you are so right.:)

Queen-Mise

kerash wrote: »

Thanks you are so right.:)

Dear kerash,
I have realised the errors of my ways and have realised that you are right. The world does indeed revolve around you and therefore you must always be right. Realising this I have handed over the right of counselling the boardsies over to your good self.

Thanks
Queen-mise

kerash

queen-mise wrote: »

Dear kerash,
I have realised the errors of my ways and have realised that you are right. The world does indeed revolve around you and therefore you must always be right. Realising this I have handed over the right of counselling the boardsies over to your good self.

Thanks
Queen-mise

Cool. How many monies I get paid? :cool:

Hermy

Dear Queen kerash,
I don't understand what a tracker mortgage is?
Does this make me a bad person?
Please advise me.:(

kerash

Hermy wrote: »

Dear Queen kerash,
I don't understand what a tracker mortgage is?
Does this make me a bad person?
Please advise me.:(

*this is an automated message*

You are currently in a queue and will be dealt with as soon as all outstanding issues surrounding payment for counselling services are resolved.
Please hold.

*this is an automated message*

Queen-Mise

kerash wrote: »

Cool. How many monies I get paid? :cool:

It comes out at about €4,500 per post when you include the actual pay, the pension, and then the extra you get from employing someone cheaper to do your original job, bonuses, being fired bonuses, €29 euro lunch allowance for Dublin Airport, and then finally the complimentary Credit Card from FAS.

Is that acceptable as a pay package.

kerash

queen-mise wrote: »

It comes out at about €4,500 per post when you include the actual pay, the pension, and then the extra you get from employing someone cheaper to do your original job, bonuses, being fired bonuses, €29 euro lunch allowance for Dublin Airport, and then finally the complimentary Credit Card from FAS.

Is that acceptable as a pay package.

This is thoroughly acceptable.
I am now a unprofessional counselling queen thanking you.:)

Hermy wrote: »

Dear Queen kerash,
I don't understand what a tracker mortgage is?
Does this make me a bad person?
Please advise me.:(

Now Hermy, don't be a silly billy, nobody knows what a tracker mortgage is. So based on that alone you are not a bad person, you are a person who asks stoopid questions.
I hope that helps.:)

Nerin

I'm here to overthrow you. >_>

<_<

*pushes kerash over*

Queen-Mise

Nerin wrote: »

I'm here to overthrow you.

That cant be done nerin. The mantle of agony auntie fred needs to be handed over willingly.

Hermy

Oh Hi Queen Nerin,
Can you tell me what a tracker mortgage is?

Nerin

Hermy wrote: »

Oh Hi Queen Nerin,
Can you tell me what a tracker mortgage is?

Yes. I can.