Agony Auntie Fred

colrow

Post your problems on here and our regular loonies will attempt to completley screw your life up. I mean help as much as they can in a caring sharing way.

Queen-Mise

I love colrow. Help.

colrow

Dear Queen Mise.

Don't worry this is completley normal and healthy. Don't forget to give him all your money as well as your total devotion. Cash is best.

445279.ie

I have an itchy knee :mad:

What could it be?

colrow

This is probably due to an infestation of ring worm, my advice is to spray your sheep with a fungicide before you bring it to bed with you, and keep your pyjama trousers on as well !!!

445279.ie

colrow wrote: »

This is probably due to an infestation of ring worm, my advice is to spray your sheep with a fungicide before you bring it to bed with you, and keep your pyjama trousers on as well !!!

Thanks Auntie Fred

I'll keep you posted

colrow

445279.ie wrote: »

Thanks Auntie Fred

I'll keep you posted

What a nice polite young man you are, one extra tip horse linoment makes an excellent lubricant for breaking in young sheep's

Einstein

i'm beginning to bald slightly from the back...yet from the front you'd never guess it...what do u suggest to help my self confidence?

Rhyme

My brain is heavier today. What's wrong/right/indifferent?

colrow

Dear Einstein,

I've had this problem myself you know, and |I'll tell you how I deal with it, I have a nice cup of tea, and 2 hob knobs, and hey presto everythings all right with the world, I gave this advice to that nice Mr Bush and see how he's managed to make this world a better place to live.

colrow

Rhyme wrote: »

My brain is heavier today. What's wrong/right/indifferent?

Dear Master Rhyme,

I detect that you are a sensitive little sole, and as you go through puberty and your masculine side develops, your brain becomes more dense, in other words you are getting thicker by the day.

Einstein

colrow wrote: »

Dear Einstein,

I've had this problem myself you know, and |I'll tell you how I deal with it, I have a nice cup of tea, and 2 hob knobs, and hey presto everythings all right with the world, I gave this advice to that nice Mr Bush and see how he's managed to make this world a better place to live.

hob nobs..check..however i never really did take to tea or coffee...would jack daniels be ok?

Rhyme

colrow wrote: »

Dear Master Rhyme,

I detect that you are a sensitive little sole, and as you go through puberty and your masculine side develops, your brain becomes more dense, in other words you are getting thicker by the day.

I'll keep that in min... d... d... DURRRR!

cherryghost

Agony Aunt,

Queen-mise keeps taking my win for the last to post wins... thread. Please help.

445279.ie

colrow wrote: »

What a nice polite young man you are, one extra tip horse linoment makes an excellent lubricant for breaking in young sheep's

I have no penis does that mean I'm a nice polite young girl?

colrow

Einstein wrote: »

hob nobs..check..however i never really did take to tea or coffee...would jack daniels be ok?

Now, now Einstein its quite clear you are a ravin alcoholic, my patent cure for this is very easy, give all your money and worldly goods to the needy, which i will do for you, just convert it all to cash first, and your drink problem will be over cos you won't be able to afford to drink anymore.

colrow

cherryghost wrote: »

Agony Aunt,

Queen-mise keeps taking my win for the last to post wins... thread. Please help.

Dear Cherry Ghost,

Don't you dare try to win anything where dear little queen mise is involved, because she throws the most terrible tantrums if she doesn't get her way.

You just stop your constant whingeing and moaning, and go round to Einsteins and help him sell everything he owns, I'll let you keep 10% so you can go out and buy yourself a nice new frock, and while your at it don't forget a nice cup of tea and 2 hobnobs allways makes the world a better place to be in.

Queen-Mise

colrow you are my hero.
Is it wrong that i have a shrine to you in my castle, and I follow you every day, and I go through your rubbish every night. When i see you talking to other people my brain starts to get very red/bloody thoughts - is that ok to have thoughts of doing violent things to girls & boys who are talking to you.

I would like to have you in my own dungeon - because then I would always win.

kerash

Who's fred

Duiske

Dear Agony Auntie Fred,
I've just recently met the most amazingly sexy girl i have ever set eyes on. I had really given up hope of ever meeting anyone special, especially as my herion addiction and a spell in Mountjoy tend to make girls think twice about getting involved with me.
Add the fact my uncle is inside after being caught with child porn on his PC, and 2 of my brothers are doing time for armed robbery, all this is going to take quite a bit of explaining.
Anyway, I'm getting away from the real issue here. Do you think I should tell her I voted Fianna Fail in the last election ?

colrow

kerash wrote: »

Who's fred

Tss tss feeling jealous are you lttle Kerash, thats because you haven't had your hob knobs yet, you know jolly well my keyboard spell chekker is broken, and it goes phonetic sometimes, who's thread indeed, its mine so bog off.

colrow

Duiske wrote: »

Dear Agony Auntie Fred,
I've just recently met the most amazingly sexy girl i have ever set eyes on. I had really given up hope of ever meeting anyone special, especially as my herion addiction and a spell in Mountjoy tend to make girls think twice about getting involved with me.
Add the fact my uncle is inside after being caught with child porn on his PC, and 2 of my brothers are doing time for armed robbery, all this is going to take quite a bit of explaining.
Anyway, I'm getting away from the real issue here. Do you think I should tell her I voted Fianna Fail in the last election ?

Dear Dusike,

Just make sure you don't tuck your trousers in your wellies, and she'll be so proud to be with an obvious man of taste and discretion, that any minor problems you've had in your past will mean nothing. As for voting for Fianna to fail, was she a singer in the eurovision song contest, or some minor celeb on x-factor ? Just keep watching nice wholesome programmes like the angelus.

ps To get her in the mood for loving slip her an extra hob nob, with her cup of cocoa before you go to bed, or you could sprinkle crushed up hob knobs over yourself and let her lick them off.

cHaTbOx

I enjoy socks and biting a little to much . I can't keep my hands your mother, well i think it is your mother , or somebodies mother .

colrow

queen-mise wrote: »

colrow you are my hero.
Is it wrong that i have a shrine to you in my castle, and I follow you every day, and I go through your rubbish every night. When i see you talking to other people my brain starts to get very red/bloody thoughts - is that ok to have thoughts of doing violent things to girls & boys who are talking to you.

I would like to have you in my own dungeon - because then I would always win.

Of course I'm your hero, I'm drooled at by every red blooded female wherever I go, you musn't feel jealous tho cos you are my Chosen One, btw have you completed re-mortgaging your castle and estate, I need the cash urgently for research into black eyed dusky maidens in Bali.

You are very naughty creeping out at night, I thought I ordered you to stay in and speek to no-one unless I am present,

colrow

This Thread Is now handed over to her Majesty Queen Mise for a more feminine take on your problems.

Queen-Mise

colrow wrote: »

This Thread Is now handed over to her Majesty Queen Mise for a more feminine take on your problems.

Thanking you so much Colrow, I shall look after it most faithfully in your absence.

colrow

Dear Aunty Queenie,

Don't worry I'm right behind you, softly caressing your ...

colrow

Dear Agony Queen,

Theres this queen wot loves me, she probably thinks of me as a bit of ruff really, if I invite her for breakfast at dublin airport on sunday, on my way back to jimmyland, should I let her nibble on my pork sausage, or is it too soon for that ?

Prof.Badass

help. I know a disturbing and embarrasing secret about colrow but i promised i wouldn't tell anyone. I can't hold it in. What should i do?

colrow

Common dish the dirt. I needs a bit of excitement in my life, but dont tell the queen

Prof.Badass

HE TOUCHES HIMSELF :eek:!

Turd Ferguson

My poo has blood in it. What should I do?

DarkJager

Turd Ferguson wrote: »

My poo has blood in it. What should I do?

Try finger painting.

Prof.Badass

Turd Ferguson wrote: »

My poo has blood in it. What should I do?

Don't go scabby with the lube next time and it won't happen again.

Queen-Mise

vinylmesh wrote: »

help. I know a disturbing and embarrasing secret about colrow but i promised i wouldn't tell anyone. I can't hold it in. What should i do?

Dear vinylmesh,
I really think it is your civic duty to tell us in detail colrow's secret. This is a very positive step in colrow's development as a upstanding member of society.

Thanking in advance
Queen-mise

Queen-Mise

colrow wrote: »

Dear Agony Queen,

Theres this queen wot loves me, she probably thinks of me as a bit of ruff really, if I invite her for breakfast at dublin airport on sunday, on my way back to jimmyland, should I let her nibble on my pork sausage, or is it too soon for that ?

Dear Colrow,
Until you ask this potential love in your life you will never know if she will accept the invite. Meeting in Dublin Airport is a brilliant idea, as it is a very open safe place. Please tell us how you get on.

Thanks
Queen-mise

Queen-Mise

vinylmesh wrote: »

HE TOUCHES HIMSELF :eek:!

Dear Vinylmesh,
We need to know more information than that, many people touch themselves when they are rubbing a nose or scratching an ear. In what way does he touch himself - and I presume we are talking about Colrow.

Thanks
Queen-mise

Queen-Mise

Turd Ferguson wrote: »

My poo has blood in it. What should I do?

Dear Turd Ferguson,
Were you doing anything that would cause your poo to have blood in it. If not I would recommend eating more fibre and a nice cup of tea with some hob nobs would also be good.

Thanks
Queen-mise

colrow

Dear Aunty Queen_Mise

Wheres everyone gone ? I can't find anyone to play with, besides myself of course ;-)

cherryghost

Dear Agony Aunt Queen_Mise

how can i help colrow realise his dirty ways and be more productive in life?

kerash

colrow wrote: »

Tss tss feeling jealous are you lttle Kerash, thats because you haven't had your hob knobs yet, you know jolly well my keyboard spell chekker is broken, and it goes phonetic sometimes, who's thread indeed, its mine so bog off.

Dear Fred,
Get your facts straight.
You strike me as a quack tbh.
I'm not little.
Answer me this;
I haz no nob knobz, I dont know what a hob knob is, although I am familiar with hob nobs.?
Also technically I am already in the bog, so how can I bog off?
And remember it's kerash lower-case k :rolleyes:

Cupcake_Crisis

Dear queenie
........why am i so very alone....:( ???

colrow

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Dear queenie
........why am i so very alone....:( ???

Dear Cupcake Crisis,

You are alone cos you never made it to breakfast at Doubling Airport, I would have glady slipped you a portion of my pork sauage, while I was waiting for qm.

Now I suggest you make yourself a nice cup of tea have a whole packet of hobknobs and weep pitylessly for hours regretting your missed oppurtunity this morning.

Randly Uncle Fred

kerash

To whom it may concern,
It feels as though I'm being ignored, I've done nothing to warrent that my issues are valid!!
Maybe you is under-qualified and therefore ill equipped to respond to me? If so, apologies for highlighting your limited capabilities.
p.s
haz a hob nob

Queen-Mise

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Dear queenie
........why am i so very alone....:( ???

Dear cupcake crisis,
The reason you are alone is that you don't leave the house ever. I really think it is a good idea for you to mix with the outside world. Maybe go out with a tray with cups of tea and some hobnobs and offer them to your neighbours. Please tell me how you get on.

Thanks
Queen-mise

Queen-Mise

cherryghost wrote: »

Dear Agony Aunt Queen_Mise

how can i help colrow realise his dirty ways and be more productive in life?

Dear cherryghost,
it is your civic duty to help colrow with his dirty ways. i have a few recommendations for websites & dvd's that will help. And make sure to always finish off with a cup of tea and a hobnob.

Thanks
Queen-mise

colrow

Dear Krash

You will have noticed that queen mise was sposed to be taking over this fred, and she's just proved yet again you can't rely on wimminz in a time of crisis.

So my advice to you speeking as a flully unfledged counsellor, is to keep on eating as many hob knobs as you can, and come back in a few weeks and see how you feel then, you'll probbly feel fat, bloated annd people will point at you and stare, whispering to each other "look at that fat bastard" but the point is you won't feel ignored any more.

yours uncle fred

Queen-Mise

kerash wrote: »

To whom it may concern,
It feels as though I'm being ignored, I've done nothing to warrent that my issues are valid!!
Maybe you is under-qualified and therefore ill equipped to respond to me? If so, apologies for highlighting your limited capabilities.
p.s
haz a hob nob

Dear kerash,
That is a foul accusation to accuse me of being under-qualified. I happen to have a life away from the CN.
I think this really does show your problems with understanding of other people's life and problems in the world and also the fact that the world doesn't revolve around you.
My suggestion is that you sit down with someone who needs help and offer them a cup of tea and a hobnob.

Thanks
Queen-mise

kerash

I f'dyp

colrow wrote: »

Dear kerash

You will have noticed that queen mise was supposed to be taking over this fred, and she's just proved yet again you can't rely on wimminz in a time of crisis.

So my advice to you speeking as a flully unfledged counsellor, is to keep on eating as many hob knobs as you can, and come back in a few weeks and see how you feel then, you'll probbly feel fat, bloated annd people will point at you and stare, whispering to each other "look at that fat bastard" but the point is you won't feel ignored any more.

yours uncle fred

queen-mise wrote: »

Dear kerash,
That is a foul accusation to accuse me of being under-qualified. I happen to have a life away from the CN.
I think this really does show your problems with understanding of other people's life and problems in the world and also the fact that the world doesn't revolve around you.
My suggestion is that you sit down with someone who needs help and offer them a cup of tea and a hobnob.

Thanks
Queen-mise

I didnt know it was your fred, I thought it was mine. After all you agree that the world does indeed revolve around me. You're welcome btw, dont mention it

p.s It didnt have to come to this, If it wasn't for colrows reply to my first question (the response I was looking for was 'Freds dead baby. Freds dead' ala Pulp Fiction.)
But as my character is being assassinated by a pair of quacks I look forward to when your Fred is infact dead.

colrow

Dear Key Rash,

What are you blathering on abought, this isn't a fred about obscure filums, its about having your self anal ised, you arent eating enuff hobnobs or maybe your eeting some other kind of knob, which we don't want to know about.

My recomodation after consultation withe the Queen, is to double up on the hobnobs, and add in 3 quarter ponder meals as an inbetween smeal snack.

kerash

colrow wrote: »

Dear Key Rash kerash,

What are you blathering on abought about, this isn't a fred zed thread about obscure well known filums movies, its about having you. r self anal ised, you are nt eating enuff hobnobs or maybe your eeting some other kind of knob, which we don't want to know about.

My recomodation after consultation withe the Queen, is to double up on the hobnobs, and add in 3 quarter ponder meals as an inbetween smeal snack.

Thanks you are so right.:)