Another miscarriage thread...

MintyDoris

Cathy hun, you did not do anything to harm your baby. Please don't blame yousrself. You and your hubby obviously showed so much love to your baby, there is no way on earth that you getting stressed could ever have outweighed that love. I'm fairly new to Boards and even i could see the love you showed for your baby

Our thoughts are with you both

shaca

No Cathy I don't think it had anything to do with it. Stress and strain are part of everyday life as you probably know better than anyone. It is natural to want to find some cause for the mis that might make it easier for you to deal with but unfortunately it just seems to be one of those things. It is your bodies natural response to a pregnancy that wasn't going well. I have had 2 misses and 2 d&C's. They are a fairly quick procedure and on both occasions I was home the same day.

Planting a tree or a plant is a lovely way to remember your loss. It is heart warming to her about your love and closeness to your husband and Cathy cherish that because it is the strenght you get from each other that will help get you through this sad time.

Take it easy and remember tears are good, it is better than keeping everything inside.

CathyMoran

Sorry, I am just being honest here - my pregnancy hormones are still there and I am dreading the night again (we used to have quality time just the 3 of us at night). At least I know now that baby is still within me for the moment, the idea of him being flushed down a toilet is too horrible for words - it is sort of like a wake if that makes any sense. I know that baby was too young for my dates but we still wanted him...you just get through each second and hope that you dont burst out crying...sorry.

January

It's normal to cry and don't ever try to suppress that because it will only make it harder for you.

You did nothing to harm your baby Cathy. As shaca said stress is a part of everyday life. I know it seems hard for you but do not blame yourself.

I'm so glad you and Shane are so close, keep clinging to each other because you will help each other get through this tough time.

shaca

Cathy what you are going through is normal and you don't have to apologise for anything. You will get through it. I know you can't imagine ever being able to cope with the grief but it does get easier with time.
Right now just go with your emotions. The next few weeks are going to be very difficult for you and Shane. If there is anything I can help with or if you have any questions about the d&C I'm happy to help if I can.

iguana

CathyMoran wrote: »

We are supposed to be having a d and c on Monday, the doctor said that it was like a vaccum but I have read else where that it is more like scraping baby up, has anyone had one of these. I know that our baby is dead but it deserves respect and would hate to hurt it if that makes any sense.

I'm sorry if I'm adding to you're stress but if you are unsure about the D&C did the midwife discuss if you are suitable to have a natural miscarriage? I live in London and the midwives here recommend doing it naturally if you can. (Then again the NCT is very, very into non-medicalising pregnancies, so it may be political advice rather than what's best, iyswim.) My doctor was fairly strong in her recommendation that I do it naturally, although I wasn't as far along as you, so it could be different.

As for having a memorial, when I passed my baby we put it in a box which we burnt. And then we took the ashes and scattered them in the same place that we scattered our dogs ashes. That way we can imagine that our dog is looking after our baby and showing him/her around one of our favourite spots forever. The "cremation" was sort of hands on and a bit gritty, but it suited our moods, as pregnancy, childbirth and miscarriages all tend to be a bit gritty and hands on too. It was very cathartic and it's helped more as time has gone on than it did at the time.

And it mightn't be the healthiest reaction but I took sleeping tablets for the first 2 weeks after mine, I'd never have slept otherwise.

CathyMoran

Hi Iguana, thanks for the advise - however we discussed taking hormones to bring on me miscarrying our baby but I was told that it would be very traumatic as our baby was a small baby at this stage. At least with the d and c they should be able to clear out my womb and I will be able to try for another baby again sooner. The idea of waiting for a week or more to give birth to our much loved dead baby would be too much strain emotionally.

I am thinking of changing my life a bit - while I accept that stress may not have fully caused the miscarriage it did not help. There are some work issues that need to be resolved...

We really want a brother or sister for our little baby and that is the only thing that is keeping me going. Knowing that our baby is still with me for now is a comfort to me as I can hold him and mourne him, it will be tough when he is gone.

He gave me so much is his short life, I am eating so much better, not taking any anti nausea tablets (or needing them), though I stopped that before he was concieved and my temperature regulation is better. We both still want and miss our baby.

beertons

Sorry to hear your bad news Cathy. Keep the chin up!

CathyMoran

I just wanted to thank all those who have pm'd me - you have all been so kind, I am sorry that I am not replying as fast as I could, am trying to hold it all together and that means that my higher brain functions are not working the best at the moment. I will get back to you and do really appreciate the time that you have taken to pm.

templetonpeck

Cathy, have you thought about talking to your GP. I understand that the grief is a natural process you have to go through unfortunately, but maybe your GP could recommend you talk to some one who's been through the same thing and can identify with how you're feeling.

You did nothing to harm your baby. When a baby doesn't survive past twelve weeks it's a physical thing, nothing would have prevented it unfortunately. So stop beating yourself up about it.

I can't imagine how difficult Monday will be, but hope you and the OH will be okay xxx

CathyMoran

A few close family members have just admitted that they lost a baby and a close friend of mine lost a baby at the same age as our little one (he now has a gorgeous baby girl)...have also been onto the Irish Miscarriage Association speaking to the lovely Yvonne - they have all been great. There have also been some lovely pms from people in the same situation.

The pain is overriding though have not been bleeding much - had a drink last night - am accepting that I will have to go back to work when I feel ready and not before then, though my husband has to go back on Wednesday so I will aim for then. Thinking of getting highlights next week (another thing I could not do in my first trimester)...I dont regret telling everyone about baby, he was the best thing that ever happened to us and he has left a legacy of looking after his mum - he made me eat a lot more which is great for me - I owe it to him to maintain my health. This is the hardest thing that I have ever gone through even though some of you may know that the past 5 years of my life (and the past 2.5 in particular) have not been easy.

Thanks for letting me rant again.

Trinity

Oh Cathy I am so so sorry i just read this now. I was so happy for you and Shane you have been through so much, its not fair is it.

I am not sure what to say, i am afraid to say the wrong thing but i most certainly know for a fact you did not cause this. You are grieving and what you are feeling is normal, perfectly normal.

You will never ever forget but the pain will lessen with time.

I had 2 miscarriages. The first one required a D and C as i was 14 weeks. Let me just say this about the D and C, the idea of what is happening is not nice, but you must try not to see it that way. The hardest part is letting go and saying goodbye. But you are not doing anything wrong. If it wasnt necessary for your health they wouldnt do it.

Might I suggest that you and Shane have a private ceremony, it doesnt have to be religious, and do whatever it is that you feel will best represent your baby, plant a tree, name the baby, get a little statue with his name engraved.

One song that brought me to my knees but ultimately helped me get through was a song by Celine Dion. I wont post the name unless you want me to as it is heart wrenching, but its what i play when i remember my angels.

Dont apologise for grieving, you must allow yourself that. Dont go back to work until you are ready. Wednesday is too soon imho, but thats entirely up to you. YOur health is more important than peoples opinion of you so dont give a damn what anyone thinks.

If you need to make changes to make your life better then do it, I am sure you will have the full support of your loving husband.

unkel

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Grieve, vent, scream, and cry as much as you need.

But then concentrate on your optimistic side. You are already thinking about trying for baby again. All of us here are right behind you with our thoughts and hopes. Best of luck to you and Shane.

CathyMoran

Have to be at the hospital by 7am for the procedure at 8.30am...not looking forward to this - baby will be gone from us. In a lot of pain still so taking as much pain killers as I can until midnight (under doctors orders). Devastated.

littlebug

Hugs Cathy. I don't know what else to say

embee

Cathy and Shane,

Sorry this has happened to you, I can only imagine how awful it is.

We're all here to listen and support you in any way we can if you need to vent.

I'll be thinking of you all tomorrow.

CathyMoran

Well, I got through today. My blood sugars were all over the place 9the wonders of being extremely stressed and having my hormone levels fluctuating).

I can not thank the staff at Holles Street, in particular Mary and Jennifer, enough for their kindness, I hope to be back in two months!

The d and c was not that bad, virtually no bleeding so far afterwards and the pain is gone...was taking the max dose of heavy painkillers so was tripping at the weekend, have not taken any today...

I am dreading the night of course but at least they told us that if any of our baby was intact that he would be burried, so we could visit a body (I understand not seeing him)...that helps so much.

From tomorrow it is getting myself back into peak form to have a baby but today was a day for prawns, icecream etc...all the things that I avoided while ttc and pregnant.

Have started to tackle the work issues - is tougher as the people that I work with are lovely but I have to have a safe pregnancy next time - I felt that the extra stress and long working hours were a factor in baby dying, just my viewpoint but I have to trust my instinct. I feel that I owe this baby a brother or sister - he gave me so much in his short life.

At the moment am dreaming of a Jan 1st baby, but I am also not blind and realise that when you try to concieve you probably wont.

Quackles

CathyMoran wrote: »

Well, I got through today. My blood sugars were all over the place 9the wonders of being extremely stressed and having my hormone levels fluctuating).

I can not thank the staff at Holles Street, in particular Mary and Jennifer, enough for their kindness, I hope to be back in two months!

The d and c was not that bad, virtually no bleeding so far afterwards and the pain is gone...was taking the max dose of heavy painkillers so was tripping at the weekend, have not taken any today...

I am dreading the night of course but at least they told us that if any of our baby was intact that he would be burried, so we could visit a body (I understand not seeing him)...that helps so much.

From tomorrow it is getting myself back into peak form to have a baby but today was a day for prawns, icecream etc...all the things that I avoided while ttc and pregnant.

Have started to tackle the work issues - is tougher as the people that I work with are lovely but I have to have a safe pregnancy next time - I felt that the extra stress and long working hours were a factor in baby dying, just my viewpoint but I have to trust my instinct. I feel that I owe this baby a brother or sister - he gave me so much in his short life.

At the moment am dreaming of a Jan 1st baby, but I am also not blind and realise that when you try to concieve you probably wont.

You really are a trooper. If you handle your work stress as well as you handle this, I don't think you can blame yourself in the slightest for whatever went wrong in this pregnancy. You're right, however, to trust your instincts and try to pave the way for an easier road next time around. And Cathy, there will be a next time around! You've proven you can concieve, that's excellent. And assuming the doctor gives you the go ahead to try again after your first period, many women are incredibly fertile after a loss as a result of all the hormones still flying aroud the place. Stay positive, your baby will have a brother or sister sooner rather than later! X

CathyMoran

Congrats on your bundle of joy - we want photos!

Being bold, taking a solpadene tonight to help me sleep...thinking of going back to work on Wednesday after all, will see...

embee

CathyMoran wrote: »

Congrats on your bundle of joy - we want photos!

Being bold, taking a solpadene tonight to help me sleep...thinking of going back to work on Wednesday after all, will see...

Cathy,

I'm glad you've got through today and are feeling somewhat positive about trying to conceive again. Give yourself plenty of time to mourn your loss and, tbh, if I were in your shoes, I'd be taking as much time as I needed from work.

Whenever you do feel ready to try again - enjoy it! "Babydancing" alone is great fun and sure to get the endorphins flowing

CathyMoran

I will see how we feel tomorrow - I am lucky that I have such a loving husband who is with me all the way on this. I have started to make changes in my life since we found out we were pregnant and can see that the world will be different afterwards - some of the change will have to come from me, am too much of a workaholic for one thing yet I value being with my husband (and hopefully being a yummy mummy) the most, they dont work together.

I know that the 17th of August and the week of the 12th of January will be tough the next time. The day we found out about him 11th December will always be a day of happy memories - one of the happiest of my life. I am not trying to replace this baby, he is irreplaceable and will always be with me, I love him. I dont see the point in not admiting that I am pregnant the next time - it did not kill our baby and though I will be more scared this time I loved being pregnant...will just go beserk when we get past the danger stage though.

shaca

I think your attitude and the way you put things in perspective are amazing. Don't worry about getting pregnant again, you did once and you will again. Just wait till you feel phsyically and emotionally up to it.

Cathy please don't rush back to work though. You may feel like you have no pain but you are still on painkillers. I felt quite tender for a few days after I had my d&c. Also the emotional strain you have been through will also wear you down and leave you feeling tired. Relax and spend the week working out how you would like to make the changes to your life. You will feel a bit stronger to deal with things next week.

Spiderman80884

Hi Cathy

So sorry to hear your bad news. We went through the process last September when we lost our baby boy after 16/17 weeks. It is devastating, however we have been to counselling and the one thing that we took from that was that there was nothing we could have done to have prevented it from happening.

While our boy was born in September his due date wasn't to be until early March. We have booked a week off work and are heading to a nice hotel down the country for a week of R&R as it will be a very emotional time for both of us.

[whispers]
Further to this we got news yesterday (confirmation today) that we are 4 weeks preggers!!!!! Though I have not been getting over excited, as we've miscarried two times now, from experience we will not be counting any chickens (excuse the pun here) until they are well and truly hatched after a reasonable amount of gestation time.

We had the chance to bury our little fella with his grandad and are able to visit him whenever we want. We are unable to visit our other angel as we were only 5-6 weeks gone when that happened. Next summer (weather permitting) we'll have a busy summer planting trees as we'll need two for the two kids and one for the dog whose ashes are sitting in the TV room downstairs.

Time is a great healer Cathy. Look after yourself and Shane in the meantime. My prayers are with you both.

CathyMoran

Well,

the past few days have been hell, especially Wednesday which was the week anniversary of our baby dying. I have also been feeling sick and am dreading going into work again as I dont know how to change the work situation which I feel caused my miscarriage. As a result I dont feel that we can ever have kids, I could not put myself through anotrher loss in any case even though my husband wants to and the idea of sex scares me. Adoption seems the only option.

KittenCaboodle

CathyMoran wrote: »

Well,

the past few days have been hell, especially Wednesday which was the week anniversary of our baby dying. I have also been feeling sick and am dreading going into work again as I dont know how to change the work situation which I feel caused my miscarriage. As a result I dont feel that we can ever have kids, I could not put myself through anotrher loss in any case even though my husband wants to and the idea of sex scares me. Adoption seems the only option.

My heart is breaking for you.

The only thing you can do is grieve now, there's no point in thinking about another baby just yet, you have to do this first.

As for work stay away as long as you need to until you feel you're strong enough to go back and talk to your boss / work colleagues about changing things. It could turn out to be something simple that makes the biggest change.

Trust me once you've been burned by allowing yourself to be too stressed at work (in my case depression), you'll be able to realise that it's not what happens at work that's important. Over time I have been able to de-stress very quickly when I feel it coming on and I don't give work one thought after I head out the door in evening until when I arrive back in the morning.

Good luck sweetie and don't rush yourself, your body and your mind need time to recover.

xxx

Trinity

CathyMoran wrote: »

Well,

the past few days have been hell, especially Wednesday which was the week anniversary of our baby dying. I have also been feeling sick and am dreading going into work again as I dont know how to change the work situation which I feel caused my miscarriage. As a result I dont feel that we can ever have kids, I could not put myself through anotrher loss in any case even though my husband wants to and the idea of sex scares me. Adoption seems the only option.

Cathy

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. You are going through a normal greiving process and you must give yourself time. You are still raw and its not the right time to be putting yourself under pressure thinking about ttc, but i wish you wouldnt give up hope just yet. Not long term.

Its hell what you are going through, and the way you are feeling now of course you would never want to experience such pain again. Having been through 2 miscarriages i know how you feel, but i did carry to term and have 2 boys. My cousin also suffered 2 miscarriages and is about to give birth having carried her 3rd.

You must remember there are still hormones flying around your body, your emotions are being put through the ringer. I dont mean to sound flippant, i just know how hopeless it can feel when you give up.

I hope you didnt go back to work yet.

In what ways do you need to change the stresses in work? Is it the hours, the workload? If i can be of any help please pm me.

CathyMoran

It has been a very long few days...my resolve not to try again lasted all of about 5 minutes...thing is I loved being pregnant and think that my husband and I would be really good parents.

I am also back in work (though on a half day, just waiting for the other half to go to the dentist!)...it is not easy being back but I am not pusing myself. I am also trying to keep the eating habits that I learned, it means that I am on going up by about 5 lb to a healthier BMI of 21...

We are not trying for a baby this month but our method of contraception (withdrawal) is not foolproof, though it worked for 10 years...so I am watching everything I eat and my bs etc.

I am not suggesting that this is right for everyone but I could not survive without being close to my husband for so long!

littlebug

Hugs Cathy,
I think you're right to take a break for this month to give your body a chance to recover. When you're feeling stressed at work remind yourself that it's only a job to pay the bills and whatever happens and whatever anyone says to you is completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

xx

Dave!

So sorry to hear this Cathy. You've been through so much, you deserve the happiness of a family.

Don't let this dominate the rest of your life.

My thoughts are with you and Shane,

All the best

CathyMoran

The work situation has gone from bad to worse to total hell - but I cant discuss it. They may have left part of my baby in me, so I may need another procedure, but I will not know until Wednesday Just wish that I could crawl into bed with my hubby...