Engagement Ring

Shivers26

So here is the story - It was my birthday last month and DP proposed (together 3.5 years). I kinda had a feeling that he was going to.... anyway, thr ring was not the best. It was a nice ring but it didnt look anything like an enagagement ring. A friend of his was in Israel and he got it for DP so he didnt even pick it himself! DP though he could spend the same as here but get something far more spectacular - the guy who got the ring just took a chance.

Anyway, I couldnt lie to DP and pretend I liked the ring because I know I would have never have worn it as an engagement ring so I told him the truth. He was very hurt but he got over it. Anyway, I have an acquantaince who is a jeweller so I suggested we bring the ring to him to see can we get it reset or something so it would be the same ring essentially. Jeweller took the ring, upgraded the diamond and reset it.

So here is the problem. The ring is ready this week and DP now informs me that he doesnt want to pay for the ring (€1400). Can I see will the jeweller take installments... I mean wtf?? The original ring cost approx €400. I am so hurt by his attitude. At least if its a ring I love I will wear it forever. I feel like he is being really mean. Its not as if its wildly expensive and I know he has the money so why is he being so stingy? I just feel as if I am worthless to him now.

Thoughts? Opinions?
Just as an aside - we are very happy generally, dont really argue, I love him dearly.... I think this ring is cursed or something!

Sorry about the long post, thanks for reading

Dudess

What's "DP"?

LolaDub

Dudess wrote: »

What's "DP"?

I can think of a few possibilties don't think any of them would be right though. I'm guessing op is using dp instead of OH

TomCo

Dudess wrote: »

What's "DP"?

Well, when two men and one woman love each other very much............

Dudess

LolaDub wrote: »

I can think of a few possibilties don't think any of them would be right though. I'm guessing op is using dp instead of OH

Yeah but what does it stand for?

seamus

Complete this sentence:
He doesn't want to pay for the ring because _________________________

You'll probably get your answer then.

Shivers26

DP is darling partner.
DH - darling husbag
DW - darling wife etc etc

Same as OH I suppose!!

Honey-ec

Can you not pay for the "upgrade" yourself?

I can see where he's coming from - he's already bought you a ring, you wanted to change it, he's thinking why the hell should he have to pay for that?

At the end of the day, the ring is supposed to be a symbol of your intent to marry. To my mind, a €400 ring says that in much the same way as a €1,400 one.

pseudonym1

Well if he is like that now imagine what would be like when if you marry him!!??
- Its is just a ring but also a symbol of spending the rest of your lives together (or whatever) MAybe tell us why you think you should do that..

Dragan

Odd that you would refer to him as darling partner and stingy within the same post.

Did you tell him how much the ring you wanted to get in the jewellers would cost or is the 1400eu a surprise to him?

Ok so if it were me, I would have volenteered to pay for the upgrade.
Personally I feel all wedding costs sould be split 50/50.
Did he agree to getting this work done?
I find his attitude worrying though. Marraige is supposed to be a partnership, what else is he going to decide he doesn't value personally. And so shouldn't have to contribute towards.

kayos

dp = da partner?

Dudess

Moonbaby wrote: »

Personally I feel all wedding costs sould be split 50/50.

Precisely. What about coming to some sort of arrangement with him where you both contribute towards the cost (seeing as the upgrade was your choice)?

Wedding and engagement traditions baffle me - so the guy is supposed to pay for the cost of the woman's engagement ring in its entirety, yeah? Nuts!

Loopy

I think your DP, soon to be DH's nose is out of joint because you don't like the original ring he got you (or his friend got you), so he's making life a little awkard for you...

Shivers26

We went together to meet the jeweller to discuss changing the ring so knew about everything upfront.
Why would he agree to it if he wasnt ok with it?
I dont think he is stingy in general, im just a bit hurt by his attitude.
Contemplating paying for the ring myself - would possibly just solve everything. However, I dont think he would want that either.

I dont know what to do. Would it be weird to just pay for it myself? I suppose its modern time we are living in. If I want it - get it myself

c - 13

Seems to me he thought that he was doing a good thing in trying to get you a better ring out foreign but kind of made a bit of a mess of going about it.

He probably feels a bit upset that you didn't like the ring (I probably would too in his position).

So in short you upped the cost of the ring by E1000 becasue you didn't like the first one and you cant see why he's a bit upset.

I really think theres way too much stock put into how shiny/many carats/much it cost when it comes to engagement rings today. My g/f wouldn't care less if I gave her a ring worth E10,000 or a ring out of a bloody barn brack

At the end of the day remember its what the ring is supposed to symbolise

Dudess

Shivers26 wrote: »

Would it be weird to just pay for it myself?

Well it would defy tradition and convention but that seems like a good thing to me. It's time people questioned a lot of the, frankly, shyte surrounding marriage rituals.
I don't think you should have to pay for it in full though - seeing as he made it clear he was happy to make a contribution to it from day 1.

jaycen

In all fairness you both should split the cost as it represents both of you, but I do find €1400 a shocking price for just reworking a ring, you both could have bought another ring with a better design for less than a third of that.

hobochris

Dudess wrote: »

Wedding and engagement traditions baffle me - so the guy is supposed to pay for the cost of the woman's engagement ring in its entirety, yeah? Nuts!

does that Apply on a leap year when the woman proposes?

"Can I borrow you credit card so I can buy my ring for my surprise proposal to you?" lol.. the way society is at the moment that's probably how things would go...

Shivers26

Shivers26 wrote: »

We went together to meet the jeweller to discuss changing the ring so knew about everything upfront.
Why would he agree to it if he wasnt ok with it?
I dont think he is stingy in general, im just a bit hurt by his attitude.
Contemplating paying for the ring myself - would possibly just solve everything. However, I dont think he would want that either.

I dont know what to do. Would it be weird to just pay for it myself? I suppose its modern time we are living in. If I want it - get it myself

Do you want to marry someone who would do that to you though.
It sounds spiteful to leave it until the last minute to drop the bombshell on you.
I know someone who's husband didn't feel it was his place, to provide for their children education at all.
Is this the start of something bigger.

enda1

If you get say your cousin a present and they aren't happy with it fine.

If they then go and upgrade their present and invoice you for the upgrade how would you feel?

Now imagine it was your boyfriend?? And imagine him then thinking you were cheap because you were hurt and wouldn't give in to his materialism and pey for his enjoyment?

Some people are just incredible.

Shivers26

Im far from traditional. I wouldnt care if the ring cost €100 if it looked like an engagement ring. The original ring look like something a goodfella would wear. It was ok, but not an engagement ring.

Yes, I did ask to change it so obviously contributed to the increase in price. I also understand that he was hurt that I didnt like the ring in the first place.

I have asked him how he would feel about going 50/50 so ill see what he says. As far as he is concerned we are not engaged because I have no ring!

enda1

enda1 wrote: »

If you get say your cousin a present and they aren't happy with it fine.

If they then go and upgrade their present and invoice you for the upgrade how would you feel?

Now imagine it was your boyfriend?? And imagine him then thinking you were cheap because you were hurt and wouldn't give in to his materialism and pey for his enjoyment?

Some people are just incredible.

It is something she is expected to wear everyday for the rest of her life.
Hardly remotely similar to your sceanario.

400 is extremely cheap for an engagement ring given average salaries.
Even 1800 is cheap.

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

John Mason

I think you should wake up and smell the recession.

i dont blame him for refusing to pay for the ring. he bought you a ring he could afford and you now expect him to pay a further €1,400. If i was in his situation, i would tell you exactly what you do with your ring

Shivers26

Can I just reiterate for Enda - he did not pick the ring himself. If he had have gone to a shop here himself he would have known exactly what to get.
I cant afford to be materialistic, so you forget that as an idea

Moonbaby I would read no further into it as an issue other than this (seriously). He is the sweetest, most loving and generous people I know. I just think I hurt his feelings and he has reacted badly

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

John Mason

Moonbaby wrote: »

400 is extremely cheap for an engagement ring given average salaries.
Even 1800 is cheap.

Only someone materialist would think that is cheap for an engagement ring, the ring is a symbol of commitment, it would still be a sign comment where it was a ring from a barn brack or from tiffanys.

My friends engagement ring cost €150 and i have another few friends who dont have engagement rings but have been married for years.

LolaDub

Ok shivers i'm easing over to your side now, he didn't choose the ring himself, you didn't like it, he was annoyed, you both went to get it reworked and knew the price and last min he says he's not going to pay for it.

Did he ever say he would pay for it or how did the conversation where you asked to get it re worked? Perhaps all he could afford was the 400 and he was trying to get you the best he could for that. He might be thinking of wedding and house costs when you do get married.

Imo its very childish of him to say you're not engaged when you don't have a ring. If the ring meant that much to him he could have chosen it himself. Between camera phones and didgital cameras its not that hard to send people photographs now before you buy something.

If it was me i'd be far more annoyed my oh didn't pick the ring himself.

You need to sit down and have an adult conversation with him, see what his problem is, how much of it is money and how much is being annoyed you didn't like the ring and what you can do at this stage to keep you both happy.

pseudonym1

Well I really hope you both get over it and live happily ever after.. but I am sure he should have picked the ring or it was something you both looked at together.
Seems to me its not certain this is what ye both want- sounds like ye should take a step back. why settle?

Malari

LolaDub wrote: »

Ok shivers i'm easing over to your side now, he didn't choose the ring himself, you didn't like it, he was annoyed, you both went to get it reworked and knew the price and last min he says he's not going to pay for it.

Did he ever say he would pay for it or how did the conversation where you asked to get it re worked? Perhaps all he could afford was the 400 and he was trying to get you the best he could for that. He might be thinking of wedding and house costs when you do get married.

Imo its very childish of him to say you're not engaged when you don't have a ring. If the ring meant that much to him he could have chosen it himself. Between camera phones and didgital cameras its not that hard to send people photographs now before you buy something.

If it was me i'd be far more annoyed my oh didn't pick the ring himself.

You need to sit down and have an adult conversation with him, see what his problem is, how much of it is money and how much is being annoyed you didn't like the ring and what you can do at this stage to keep you both happy.

I have read through this thread and have to say I agree with most of what LolaDub has said here.

I would be a little put out if my boyfriend didn't even choose the ring himself. What it looks like wouldn't bother me really, as I'm not a traditionalist, but at the same time you will see it every day of your life so you can't be disgusted by it!

Seems like in theory he was ok with upgrading it, but sometimes disagreements fester and when it came down to paying he still has an issue with you being disappointed with it. He has since probably come up with better, less costly ideas in his head about how you should have gone about resolving this and it annoyed that it's kind of too late.

A really clear discussion about what he wants to do is needed. Hope it works out!!

Shivers26

LolaDub you have pretty much hit the nail on the head with all of that.

I am hurt he didnt pick it himself. He took a chance and it didnt work out.

He said he just wanted me to be happy and have a ring I loved - he told me to get it upgraded to whatever I wanted (which I didnt - I had the diamond traded to reduce cost, I used some of the metal from the original ring as well and he said he was happy to pay for it. He did this knowing he was due to have a 'bonus' lets say in this weeks wages.

We already have a house and I would be happy to go to the Regisry office and a restaurant for my wedding so not a massive issue there.

We'll just have to wait and see how it all pans out I suppose

Dudess

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

Only someone materialist would think that is cheap for an engagement ring

I don't think Moonbaby means "cheap" in a derogatory sense, moreso that €1,800 is a reasonable price for an engagement ring in the greater scheme of things - i.e. there are engagement rings which cost several times that...

stovelid

kayos wrote: »

dp = da partner?

Definitely Pecked?

LolaDub

Shivers26 wrote: »

LolaDub you have pretty much hit the nail on the head with all of that.

I am hurt he didnt pick it himself. He took a chance and it didnt work out.

He said he just wanted me to be happy and have a ring I loved - he told me to get it upgraded to whatever I wanted (which I didnt - I had the diamond traded to reduce cost, I used some of the metal from the original ring as well and he said he was happy to pay for it. He did this knowing he was due to have a 'bonus' lets say in this weeks wages.

We already have a house and I would be happy to go to the Regisry office and a restaurant for my wedding so not a massive issue there.

We'll just have to wait and see how it all pans out I suppose

Well shivers i'd just say you need to say all that to him, from the additional info you've given it sounds like he agreed to it all and then when its timeJust put it to him that you appreciate he was trying to do something nice with his original idea but you would have preferred it to be more personal and for him to have picked it himself but as you agreed on this way to fix/alter it you don't understand why he's unhappy now and could he explain it?

It might be some sort of wedding jitters that are manifesting themselves here,you never know until you talk to him, good luck!

jaycen

Moonbaby wrote: »

400 is extremely cheap for an engagement ring given average salaries.
Even 1800 is cheap.

No, it's not. Guess your fella (idiot) would be better just signing the house over, from the sound of it, that's where it'd end.
With that kind of attitude you should come with a warning label on your forehead.

Zulu

Shivers26 wrote: »

.... anyway, thr ring was not the best. It was a nice ring but it didnt look anything like an enagagement ring.

It is what it is - an engagement ring. Age changes the look of all things.

I know I would have never have worn it as an engagement ring

Why not? Seriously, why not? Was it so hideous, or was it because it looked like it was only worth €400?

So here is the problem. The ring is ready this week and DP now informs me that he doesnt want to pay for the ring (€1400). Can I see will the jeweller take installments... I mean wtf??

Can he afford an additional €1400 on the €400 he's paid this month? €1400 is a lot to spend in one month for a lot of people.

The original ring cost approx €400.

So what? Who cares how much it cost?

I am so hurt by his attitude.

Well you've trippled the overall cost of the ring, why are you upset by his attitude?
Would you have been happier if he spent more by any chance?

At least if its a ring I love I will wear it forever.

It's him you should love.

I feel like he is being really mean.

Are you going to buy him a gift for €1800? Are do you just expect him to fork out that amount without grumbling?

Its not as if its wildly expensive and I know he has the money so why is he being so stingy?

So, really, your pissed off because he wouldn't spend more on you.
At least be honest.

I just feel as if I am worthless to him now.

Money doesn't buy love. How much he spends is no reflection of how much he loves you. Where did you get that idea? Perhaps Mr Jones next door love his OH way more - what with the massive rock, the car, and the trips to the spa....

Moonbaby wrote: »

400 is extremely cheap for an engagement ring given average salaries. Even 1800 is cheap.

So how much is ok to spend on a ring?
<warning trick question>

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

Only someone materialist would think that is cheap for an engagement ring, the ring is a symbol of commitment, it would still be a sign comment where it was a ring from a barn brack or from tiffanys.

+1 Exactly.

My friends engagement ring cost €150 and i have another few friends who dont have engagement rings but have been married for years.

Happily no doubt.

Dudess

jaycen wrote: »

No, it's not. Guess your fella (idiot) would be better just signing the house over, from the sound of it, that's where it'd end.
With that kind of attitude you should come with a warning label on your forehead.

I think you've misread Moonbaby:
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=57584313&postcount=33

c - 13

pseudonym1 wrote: »

Well I really hope you both get over it and live happily ever after.. but I am sure he should have picked the ring or it was something you both looked at together.
Seems to me its not certain this is what ye both want- sounds like ye should take a step back. why settle?

Good idea why just settle for an upgraded ring ? Perhaps she can upgrade her "DP" too :pac:

engrish?

Shivers26 wrote: »

So here is the story - It was my birthday last month and DP proposed (together 3.5 years). I kinda had a feeling that he was going to.... anyway, thr ring was not the best. It was a nice ring but it didnt look anything like an enagagement ring. A friend of his was in Israel and he got it for DP so he didnt even pick it himself! DP though he could spend the same as here but get something far more spectacular - the guy who got the ring just took a chance.

Anyway, I couldnt lie to DP and pretend I liked the ring because I know I would have never have worn it as an engagement ring so I told him the truth. He was very hurt but he got over it. Anyway, I have an acquantaince who is a jeweller so I suggested we bring the ring to him to see can we get it reset or something so it would be the same ring essentially. Jeweller took the ring, upgraded the diamond and reset it.

So here is the problem. The ring is ready this week and DP now informs me that he doesnt want to pay for the ring (€1400). Can I see will the jeweller take installments... I mean wtf?? The original ring cost approx €400. I am so hurt by his attitude. At least if its a ring I love I will wear it forever. I feel like he is being really mean. Its not as if its wildly expensive and I know he has the money so why is he being so stingy? I just feel as if I am worthless to him now.

Thoughts? Opinions?
Just as an aside - we are very happy generally, dont really argue, I love him dearly.... I think this ring is cursed or something!

Sorry about the long post, thanks for reading

Wow, engaged at 26!!!!

John Mason

Solitaryman666 wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Err...do you really think she will be wearing the ring for the rest of her life? They cant even decided if they are engaged or not and the OP is on the interweb whining about about her darling partner, rather then sitting down and having a rational discussion

Failure waiting to happen IMO

Dudess

engrish? wrote: »

Wow, engaged at 26!!!!

What's so amazing about that?

Glowing

I'd be mostly pi$$ed off that he didn't make the effort to pick it out himself ... doesn't matter what it cost in the end.

How the hell could you trust a friend to pick out something that's so personal .... like getting a friend to pick out some underwear for your girlfriend! :O

pseudonym1

c - 13 wrote: »

Good idea why just settle for an upgraded ring ? Perhaps she can upgrade her "DP" too :pac:

Yep - no piont in settling with somone when there is someone better suited out there - that applys to both partys.

jaycen

Glowing wrote: »

I'd be mostly pi$$ed off that he didn't make the effort to pick it out himself ... doesn't matter what it cost in the end.

How the hell could you trust a friend to pick out something that's so personal .... like getting a friend to pick out some underwear for your girlfriend! :O

I'd have to agree there, even from the male pov that's a bit Oirish! :rolleyes:

Oryx

Theres upgrading, and then theres upgrading. An 'upgrade' would be another couple of hundred quid to change the style, not quadrupling the price of the ring by changing it completely. What youve done it sounds to me, is buy a new ring, with a few bits of the old one thrown on for peace sake.

Youve got two wrongs here. Your DP (discount proposer?) bought a ring in a way that was supposed to be a cost cutting bargain, instead of a rosemantic gesture. He didnt even choose it. So one strike against him.
You then go way above budget in rectifying the problem, (he must have been in keep-her-happy mode when he agreed) and hurt his feelings as well, though how, I cannot understand. Its not as if his taste was being called into question. So anyway, theres a black mark for you.

And in the midst of all this we now have a jeweller owed 1400 euro. Someone has to pay the guy. You say youd be willing to pay it only your bf wouldnt agree? So what does he expect to happen, you leave the ring in the shop?

I say pay the bill yourself. I doubt youll get to take the ring out till its paid for, I dont know many shops that can take the risk of doing that. But however you arrange it, you pay for it and wear the ring YOU wanted. Then sort out the hurt feelings with your bf. Both of you were partially wrong here, so youre pretty much even, as I see it. You will need to be able to get over what is a pretty small and purely monetary issue, before you consider getting hitched with all the ups and downs that will entail.

stovelid

Glowing wrote: »

I'd be mostly pi$$ed off that he didn't make the effort to pick it out himself ... doesn't matter what it cost in the end.
How the hell could you trust a friend to pick out something that's so personal .... like getting a friend to pick ut some underwear for your girlfriend! :O

Because most blokes would be thinking about other trivial things: like the fact that they want to spend their life with this person and maybe have kids with them. Rather than thinking that the whole deal hinges on piece of jewelery that they are 50% likely to lose down the sink by their third anniversary anyway.

John Mason

stovelid wrote: »

Because most blokes would be thinking about other trivial things: like the fact that they want to spend their life with this person and maybe have kids with them. Rather than thinking that the whole deal hinges on piece of jewelery that they are 50% likely to lose down the sink by their third anniversary anyway.

Woops, sounds like you are speaking from experience there

anyway, i agree with you, its only a piece of metal

Shivers26

Zulu - so many questions!

It just didnt look like an engagement ring. It had a wide chunky band of both white & yellow 18ct gold with a 0.2ct diamond set into the band. It was too big and wide and I just didnt like it! Would you were something every day that you didnt like?

The fact that it cost €400 is of no relevance - it didnt look cheap by any means it just didnt look like an engagement ring.

He had the bonus this month to cover it and he planned it that way. I dont know why I took exception to him paying installments either - maybe its not such a big deal.

I dont care how much the ring costs - I care what it looks like! I am supposed to wear it every day for the rest of my life! The price of the ring would not matter one bit (seriously) - its the look of it I didnt like.

pink fluffy bunny - one sticky point in a wonderful, happy relationship does not a failure make. Your name is very deceptive

No need to upgrade DP. I love him to bits.

Oryx

stovelid wrote: »

Because most blokes would be thinking about other trivial things: like the fact that they want to spend their life with this person and maybe have kids with them. Rather than thinking that the whole deal hinges on piece of jewelery that they are 50% likely to lose down the sink by their third anniversary anyway.

Ahem. Cynical viewpoint? Most marriages, and therefore engagement rings, last about 7 years max, these days. Some enterprising jewellers should make them part exchange.

challengemaster

You say you're hurt by the way he's acting? He proposed to you. EH, HELLO?!?
Seems to me you care more about the price of the ring than you do about the fact you're meant to be getting married to this guy. Grow up.