Engagement Ring

Shivers26 · 15-10-2008 12:19pm #1

So here is the story - It was my birthday last month and DP proposed (together 3.5 years). I kinda had a feeling that he was going to.... anyway, thr ring was not the best. It was a nice ring but it didnt look anything like an enagagement ring. A friend of his was in Israel and he got it for DP so he didnt even pick it himself! DP though he could spend the same as here but get something far more spectacular - the guy who got the ring just took a chance.

Anyway, I couldnt lie to DP and pretend I liked the ring because I know I would have never have worn it as an engagement ring so I told him the truth. He was very hurt but he got over it. Anyway, I have an acquantaince who is a jeweller so I suggested we bring the ring to him to see can we get it reset or something so it would be the same ring essentially. Jeweller took the ring, upgraded the diamond and reset it.

So here is the problem. The ring is ready this week and DP now informs me that he doesnt want to pay for the ring (€1400). Can I see will the jeweller take installments... I mean wtf?? The original ring cost approx €400. I am so hurt by his attitude. At least if its a ring I love I will wear it forever. I feel like he is being really mean. Its not as if its wildly expensive and I know he has the money so why is he being so stingy? I just feel as if I am worthless to him now.

Thoughts? Opinions?
Just as an aside - we are very happy generally, dont really argue, I love him dearly.... I think this ring is cursed or something!

Sorry about the long post, thanks for reading

Dudess · 15-10-2008 12:21pm

What's "DP"?

LolaDub · 15-10-2008 12:23pm

Dudess wrote: »

What's "DP"?

I can think of a few possibilties

don't think any of them would be right though. I'm guessing op is using dp instead of OH

TomCo · 15-10-2008 12:23pm

Dudess wrote: »

What's "DP"?

Well, when two men and one woman love each other very much............

Dudess · 15-10-2008 12:23pm

LolaDub wrote: »

I can think of a few possibilties don't think any of them would be right though. I'm guessing op is using dp instead of OH

Yeah but what does it stand for?

seamus · 15-10-2008 12:24pm

Complete this sentence:
He doesn't want to pay for the ring because _________________________

You'll probably get your answer then.

Shivers26 · 15-10-2008 12:25pm

DP is darling partner.
DH - darling husbag
DW - darling wife etc etc

Same as OH I suppose!!

Honey-ec · 15-10-2008 12:28pm

Can you not pay for the "upgrade" yourself?

I can see where he's coming from - he's already bought you a ring, you wanted to change it, he's thinking why the hell should he have to pay for that?

At the end of the day, the ring is supposed to be a symbol of your intent to marry. To my mind, a €400 ring says that in much the same way as a €1,400 one.

pseudonym1 · 15-10-2008 12:28pm

Well if he is like that now imagine what would be like when if you marry him!!??

- Its is just a ring but also a symbol of spending the rest of your lives together (or whatever) MAybe tell us why you think you should do that..

Dragan · 15-10-2008 12:28pm

Odd that you would refer to him as darling partner and stingy within the same post.

Did you tell him how much the ring you wanted to get in the jewellers would cost or is the 1400eu a surprise to him?

15-10-2008 12:31pm

Ok so if it were me, I would have volenteered to pay for the upgrade.
Personally I feel all wedding costs sould be split 50/50.
Did he agree to getting this work done?
I find his attitude worrying though. Marraige is supposed to be a partnership, what else is he going to decide he doesn't value personally. And so shouldn't have to contribute towards.

kayos · 15-10-2008 12:32pm

dp = da partner?

Dudess · 15-10-2008 12:32pm

Moonbaby wrote: »

Personally I feel all wedding costs sould be split 50/50.

Precisely. What about coming to some sort of arrangement with him where you both contribute towards the cost (seeing as the upgrade was your choice)?

Wedding and engagement traditions baffle me - so the guy is supposed to pay for the cost of the woman's engagement ring in its entirety, yeah? Nuts!

Loopy · 15-10-2008 12:33pm

I think your DP, soon to be DH's nose is out of joint because you don't like the original ring he got you (or his friend got you), so he's making life a little awkard for you...

Shivers26 · 15-10-2008 12:35pm

We went together to meet the jeweller to discuss changing the ring so knew about everything upfront.
Why would he agree to it if he wasnt ok with it?
I dont think he is stingy in general, im just a bit hurt by his attitude.
Contemplating paying for the ring myself - would possibly just solve everything. However, I dont think he would want that either.

I dont know what to do. Would it be weird to just pay for it myself? I suppose its modern time we are living in. If I want it - get it myself

c - 13 · 15-10-2008 12:37pm

Seems to me he thought that he was doing a good thing in trying to get you a better ring out foreign but kind of made a bit of a mess of going about it.

He probably feels a bit upset that you didn't like the ring (I probably would too in his position).

So in short you upped the cost of the ring by E1000 becasue you didn't like the first one and you cant see why he's a bit upset.

I really think theres way too much stock put into how shiny/many carats/much it cost when it comes to engagement rings today. My g/f wouldn't care less if I gave her a ring worth E10,000 or a ring out of a bloody barn brack

At the end of the day remember its what the ring is supposed to symbolise

Dudess · 15-10-2008 12:37pm

Shivers26 wrote: »

Would it be weird to just pay for it myself?

Well it would defy tradition and convention but that seems like a good thing to me. It's time people questioned a lot of the, frankly, shyte surrounding marriage rituals.
I don't think you should have to pay for it in full though - seeing as he made it clear he was happy to make a contribution to it from day 1.

jaycen · 15-10-2008 12:38pm

In all fairness you both should split the cost as it represents both of you, but I do find €1400 a shocking price for just reworking a ring, you both could have bought another ring with a better design for less than a third of that.

hobochris · 15-10-2008 12:38pm

Dudess wrote: »

Wedding and engagement traditions baffle me - so the guy is supposed to pay for the cost of the woman's engagement ring in its entirety, yeah? Nuts!

does that Apply on a leap year when the woman proposes?

"Can I borrow you credit card so I can buy my ring for my surprise proposal to you?" lol.. the way society is at the moment that's probably how things would go...

15-10-2008 12:40pm

Shivers26 wrote: »

We went together to meet the jeweller to discuss changing the ring so knew about everything upfront.
Why would he agree to it if he wasnt ok with it?
I dont think he is stingy in general, im just a bit hurt by his attitude.
Contemplating paying for the ring myself - would possibly just solve everything. However, I dont think he would want that either.

I dont know what to do. Would it be weird to just pay for it myself? I suppose its modern time we are living in. If I want it - get it myself

Do you want to marry someone who would do that to you though.
It sounds spiteful to leave it until the last minute to drop the bombshell on you.
I know someone who's husband didn't feel it was his place, to provide for their children education at all.
Is this the start of something bigger.

enda1 · 15-10-2008 12:41pm

If you get say your cousin a present and they aren't happy with it fine.

If they then go and upgrade their present and invoice you for the upgrade how would you feel?

Now imagine it was your boyfriend?? And imagine him then thinking you were cheap because you were hurt and wouldn't give in to his materialism and pey for his enjoyment?

Some people are just incredible.

Shivers26 · 15-10-2008 12:44pm

Im far from traditional. I wouldnt care if the ring cost €100 if it looked like an engagement ring. The original ring look like something a goodfella would wear. It was ok, but not an engagement ring.

Yes, I did ask to change it so obviously contributed to the increase in price. I also understand that he was hurt that I didnt like the ring in the first place.

I have asked him how he would feel about going 50/50 so ill see what he says. As far as he is concerned we are not engaged because I have no ring!

15-10-2008 12:45pm

enda1 wrote: »

If you get say your cousin a present and they aren't happy with it fine.

If they then go and upgrade their present and invoice you for the upgrade how would you feel?

Now imagine it was your boyfriend?? And imagine him then thinking you were cheap because you were hurt and wouldn't give in to his materialism and pey for his enjoyment?

Some people are just incredible.

It is something she is expected to wear everyday for the rest of her life.
Hardly remotely similar to your sceanario.

400 is extremely cheap for an engagement ring given average salaries.
Even 1800 is cheap.

Mimikyu · 15-10-2008 12:46pm

This post has been deleted.

John Mason · 15-10-2008 12:47pm

I think you should wake up and smell the recession.

i dont blame him for refusing to pay for the ring. he bought you a ring he could afford and you now expect him to pay a further €1,400. If i was in his situation, i would tell you exactly what you do with your ring

Shivers26 · 15-10-2008 12:48pm

Can I just reiterate for Enda - he did not pick the ring himself. If he had have gone to a shop here himself he would have known exactly what to get.
I cant afford to be materialistic, so you forget that as an idea

Moonbaby I would read no further into it as an issue other than this (seriously). He is the sweetest, most loving and generous people I know. I just think I hurt his feelings and he has reacted badly

Mimikyu · 15-10-2008 12:48pm

This post has been deleted.

John Mason · 15-10-2008 12:50pm

Moonbaby wrote: »

400 is extremely cheap for an engagement ring given average salaries.
Even 1800 is cheap.

Only someone materialist would think that is cheap for an engagement ring, the ring is a symbol of commitment, it would still be a sign comment where it was a ring from a barn brack or from tiffanys.

My friends engagement ring cost €150 and i have another few friends who dont have engagement rings but have been married for years.

LolaDub · 15-10-2008 12:52pm

Ok shivers i'm easing over to your side now, he didn't choose the ring himself, you didn't like it, he was annoyed, you both went to get it reworked and knew the price and last min he says he's not going to pay for it.

Did he ever say he would pay for it or how did the conversation where you asked to get it re worked? Perhaps all he could afford was the 400 and he was trying to get you the best he could for that. He might be thinking of wedding and house costs when you do get married.

Imo its very childish of him to say you're not engaged when you don't have a ring. If the ring meant that much to him he could have chosen it himself. Between camera phones and didgital cameras its not that hard to send people photographs now before you buy something.

If it was me i'd be far more annoyed my oh didn't pick the ring himself.

You need to sit down and have an adult conversation with him, see what his problem is, how much of it is money and how much is being annoyed you didn't like the ring and what you can do at this stage to keep you both happy.

pseudonym1 · 15-10-2008 12:56pm

Well I really hope you both get over it and live happily ever after.. but I am sure he should have picked the ring or it was something you both looked at together.
Seems to me its not certain this is what ye both want- sounds like ye should take a step back. why settle?

Malari · 15-10-2008 1:01pm

LolaDub wrote: »

Ok shivers i'm easing over to your side now, he didn't choose the ring himself, you didn't like it, he was annoyed, you both went to get it reworked and knew the price and last min he says he's not going to pay for it.

Did he ever say he would pay for it or how did the conversation where you asked to get it re worked? Perhaps all he could afford was the 400 and he was trying to get you the best he could for that. He might be thinking of wedding and house costs when you do get married.

Imo its very childish of him to say you're not engaged when you don't have a ring. If the ring meant that much to him he could have chosen it himself. Between camera phones and didgital cameras its not that hard to send people photographs now before you buy something.

If it was me i'd be far more annoyed my oh didn't pick the ring himself.

You need to sit down and have an adult conversation with him, see what his problem is, how much of it is money and how much is being annoyed you didn't like the ring and what you can do at this stage to keep you both happy.

I have read through this thread and have to say I agree with most of what LolaDub has said here.

I would be a little put out if my boyfriend didn't even choose the ring himself. What it looks like wouldn't bother me really, as I'm not a traditionalist, but at the same time you will see it every day of your life so you can't be disgusted by it!

Seems like in theory he was ok with upgrading it, but sometimes disagreements fester and when it came down to paying he still has an issue with you being disappointed with it. He has since probably come up with better, less costly ideas in his head about how you should have gone about resolving this and it annoyed that it's kind of too late.

A really clear discussion about what he wants to do is needed. Hope it works out!!

Engagement Ring

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