Break up relief

AmyG

peanuthead wrote: »

Im with a guy a the moment, we are great together, but there is one thing that i dont think i can handle (his 'friendliness' with other women) and even though Im still with him, it feels as if im going through a break up at the moment. I dont know what to do (i know what i should do) and im very upset about the whole thing.

The worst part is that i have nobody to really turn to. My housemate and friend has had countless problems with her current boyfriend, including when he dumped her twice to get with other girls, only to come crawling back. I have nursed her through these breakups both times, being there for her and canceling dates with my own boyfriend to go out with her and listen... And she barely has the time to listen to my problems, fobbing me off with the answers she thinks i want to hear like "Itll be alright". The worst thing in the world is trying to figure this all out on my own, with no advice or support.

hey hun! keep you chin up i know what your goign through i stuck my boyfriend of three years with him like that and its hard i know it is! Have you even tried talk to him at all or do you feel like you know he is yours but still dont like teh way he is with other women to and extend you can't say it?

peanuthead

AmyG wrote: »

hey hun! keep you chin up i know what your goign through i stuck my boyfriend of three years with him like that and its hard i know it is! Have you even tried talk to him at all or do you feel like you know he is yours but still dont like teh way he is with other women to and extend you can't say it?

I will explain a situation to you:

The saturday night before we went away on a road trip to america together we all went out to a club. My friends and his friends. We all had a few drinks on us and were having a good time. Now I know my boyfriend is a very friendly person, he is a real gent, and a genuine nice guy. He would be as friendly with men as he is with women. But on 6 occasions that he would strike up conversations with women on the dance floor. It was really getting on my nerves and I was ready to go home and said it to my friend. She pulled him outside and told him to get his act together. I didnt want her to do that but she did anyway. He came back in and apologised to me, admitting that it was wrong even though nothing was meant by it.

Now he had apologised only for me to find him talking to another girl 5 mins later. One of them even had her hand around his wrist almost like they were holding hands!!

I was so angry, and as I said he would have been like that with men too, but these werent all men, they were women!! Now it wasnt a case of them all being drop dead gorgeous and me being made feel insecure in that way. I felt insecure because my boyfriend was chatting to other women in a nightclub. We all know that if a man comes up to you in a night club he is trying it on with you. Even though he wouldnt have meant it that way, it would have come across that way and that made me feel like a fool.

The next day he apologised again, i asked him to put himself in my shoes, and he admitted he would hate if i hadve been talking to a load of different men on the dancefloor. He also told me that he didnt remember the girl holding his hand. That may be true but if it is its even more worrying. What else is happening to him that he cant remember when he's out. I asked him if this is how he carries on when im there, what the hell goes on when im not!!!!!!!!! Now fair enough i suppose if he is doing it while im there, maybe its because he doesnt mean anything by it some might say, but maybe he just cant help himself??

He told me that he has never been like that before. I dont believe him. He says he has never behaved like that when he has been out with his friends. I dont believe him. He says he will never behave like that again. I dont believe him. Bottom line: I dont trust him anymore, and I dont know if i can trust him again.

He is loyal in the sense that he would never intentionally set out to cheat on me. He's not sly like that. But thats not what Im worried about. Im worried about a "harmless" chat with some girl on the dancefloor getting out of control. Something that I would never hear about if it happened.

Be honest girls. Do I sound like a nutter? Am I just being insecure?

I dont think I am.

Zaph

peanuthead, while I sympathise with the fact that you're experiencing difficulties, they have nothing to do with this thread and are dragging it completely off-topic. If you need advice on this may I suggest you start a thread in the Personal Issues forum.

Thanks

AmyG

peanuthead wrote: »

I will explain a situation to you:

The saturday night before we went away on a road trip to america together we all went out to a club. My friends and his friends. We all had a few drinks on us and were having a good time. Now I know my boyfriend is a very friendly person, he is a real gent, and a genuine nice guy. He would be as friendly with men as he is with women. But on 6 occasions that he would strike up conversations with women on the dance floor. It was really getting on my nerves and I was ready to go home and said it to my friend. She pulled him outside and told him to get his act together. I didnt want her to do that but she did anyway. He came back in and apologised to me, admitting that it was wrong even though nothing was meant by it.

Now he had apologised only for me to find him talking to another girl 5 mins later. One of them even had her hand around his wrist almost like they were holding hands!!

I was so angry, and as I said he would have been like that with men too, but these werent all men, they were women!! Now it wasnt a case of them all being drop dead gorgeous and me being made feel insecure in that way. I felt insecure because my boyfriend was chatting to other women in a nightclub. We all know that if a man comes up to you in a night club he is trying it on with you. Even though he wouldnt have meant it that way, it would have come across that way and that made me feel like a fool.

The next day he apologised again, i asked him to put himself in my shoes, and he admitted he would hate if i hadve been talking to a load of different men on the dancefloor. He also told me that he didnt remember the girl holding his hand. That may be true but if it is its even more worrying. What else is happening to him that he cant remember when he's out. I asked him if this is how he carries on when im there, what the hell goes on when im not!!!!!!!!! Now fair enough i suppose if he is doing it while im there, maybe its because he doesnt mean anything by it some might say, but maybe he just cant help himself??

He told me that he has never been like that before. I dont believe him. He says he has never behaved like that when he has been out with his friends. I dont believe him. He says he will never behave like that again. I dont believe him. Bottom line: I dont trust him anymore, and I dont know if i can trust him again.

He is loyal in the sense that he would never intentionally set out to cheat on me. He's not sly like that. But thats not what Im worried about. Im worried about a "harmless" chat with some girl on the dancefloor getting out of control. Something that I would never hear about if it happened.

Be honest girls. Do I sound like a nutter? Am I just being insecure?

I dont think I am.

No id be the same... I mean how can he not understand how you not wnat him to do it? i guess its a bit of insecure issue but what woman wouldnt be like hello he had his arm around her waste like wtf!!!!:mad:

You will have to learn to trust him though or you will never get past it(from experience) and it will pull the two of you apart... do you think you could trust him again?

Femelade

What do guys think of contact when broken up. Me and my boyfriend have broken up fairly recently, i am absolutely heart broken over it. I find it hard to not be in contact with him as i have spoken to him every night for the last 2 yrs. I told him this and he said he will find it very hard not to be in contact with me either. So, we are still in contact. Talked to him last night for an hour an a half. We talked about lots of things, normal chit chat and a bit about the breakup too. His feelings remain the same, he doesnt want to get back together.

Do you think it is easier to cut all contact or to still be in contact, maybe wean yourself off it?

Clare Bear

Femmy, it's the hardest thing in the world to do but the best thing to do is cut contact. Initially anyway. You need to give yourself a chance to grieve, if you're still talking all the time it will feel like you never broke up. And if he is certain he doesn't want to get back with you then it's not fair on you. Believe me I know it's the hardest thing in the world. I spoke to my ex every day (every hour!) for 3 years and when we broke up I was lost. Every little thing down to his texts I missed. Took a long time to get over it but I know if we'd stayed in close contact I'd always have that false hope that something might happen again.

You also have to think that staying in touch won't make your feelings for him go away and even if it's the last thing on your mind now it could lead to you missing out on a chance with someone else.

Some people can stay friends after a break up, I know most can't. Looking back I think they'll say it was the best choice for them down the line even if it hurt like hell at the time. Best of luck.

Will

cut contact from the get go, its tougher at the beginning but in the long run it will be better

Futurecrook

Cut the contact Femmy. I was in the exact same situation as you. A boyfriend of two years dumped me, but because we were so used to talking each night before we went to bed and wanted to be friends we kept talking. It was such a bad idea. We couldnt get over each other and ended up back together after a month only to have an even more painful breakup the following month. Second time round we cut all communication and it makes it so much easier. I havent spoken to him in two months and its helped me to realise that I most definitely do not need him in my life.

It will be hard at first but most definitely worth it.

Curlypinkie

Cutting contact. Always. I tend to erase the number just to make it easier for myself because I usually go for a mad week or two afterwards. And in avoidance of drunken txts etc.

I don't really tend to sit at home feeling sorry for myself, I go shopping for some nice clothes and then out doing town in them!
These nights tend to end with me crying all my mascara into my pillow (anyone know how to get mascara stains off???) but it's part of my healing process> I'm not completely comfortable with it - I do feel like an alcoholic nutcase then, but hell, it works for me so....

Also I never seem to loose my appetite. Sometimes I wish I did hahaha.

Futurecrook

Deleting their number is always a good move. That and blocking them on msn, bebo, myspace, etc. Because you dont want to sign into bebo after two weeks of being broken up only to see that his relationship status has changed to "In a relationship" because when you deleted him as an other half you forgot to delete him from your friends list...

Femelade

okay guys, i was reluctant to take your advise to begin with, but i guess its the right thing to do.
I called up to his house last night to give him stuff belonged to him that was in my house.
We did end up having a bit of a kiss but thats it now.
Today is day one for no contact. He doesnt know that i have made this decision. But i think he has made the same one.
Wish me luck..it will be a long day, and an even longer night.

jellie

Femmy wrote: »

Today is day one for no contact. He doesnt know that i have made this decision. But i think he has made the same one.
Wish me luck..it will be a long day, and an even longer night.

It will be really tough, but its the right thing to do. the longer you stay in contact the longer it will take for you to get past this.

it DOES get easier, but dont expect it to happen overnight hope you get on ok.

Clare Bear

Good luck Femmy. I know it's a horrible thing to go through but you will get through it and you will smile again. Take care.

Femelade

Thanks guys..
I hope ye are all right in saying that it gets easier..

I'm already missing telling him stupid things...:(

jellie

Femmy wrote: »

Thanks guys..
I hope ye are all right in saying that it gets easier..

it DOES get easier, ill even PROMISE you that. but not for awhile, & youll probably be very up & down. but when you have a good day try remember how you felt on that good day so that when you have a bad day you can remind yourself "hey i was ok then, i can get there again".

try & keep busy, see friends, accept any invitation out that you get.
(oh & give your phone to a friend if youre having a few drinks)

SarahJ

sar84 wrote: »

it DOES get easier, ill even PROMISE you that. but not for awhile, & youll probably be very up & down. but when you have a good day try remember how you felt on that good day so that when you have a bad day you can remind yourself "hey i was ok then, i can get there again".

try & keep busy, see friends, accept any invitation out that you get.
(oh & give your phone to a friend if youre having a few drinks)

+1 defo go out and have fun. It takes a while, ul think of him less and less until you get to a day when you don't think of him at all.




Then comes the day when you think "What the f*ck was I thinking being with him" haha

LivingDeadGirl

I'll cry and then massively overthink it for months.

Femelade

well girls, first day of no contact down..
I went to bed early, fell asleep at around half 10.
Bring on day 2.

jellie

Femmy wrote: »

well girls, first day of no contact down..
I went to bed early, fell asleep at around half 10.
Bring on day 2.

well done Femmy. at least you got to sleep! i had lots of sleepless nights lying awake thinking!

just to warn you, itll probably get harder before it gets easier

best thing to do is keep busy, try go out & have fun, & for evenings that youll be at home do some exercise or something to wear yourself out so that youre so wrecked all you want to do is sleep

Faddymackshyte

Jesus, I cry like I'm losing my reason.
It's good to have friends that will rally around, but after the latest break up, all I wanted to do was sleep. But I wasn't allowed to, I had to go and party, but avoided drinking because I knew I'd just end up sending him a message.
I keep well away from the hard stuff for a while after break ups, because I know it will just end up disastrously!

I also clean like a mad woman, it's a good way to keep myself distracted and there's a sense of satisfaction at the end.

coffee_cake

i find shopping a lot is helping somewhat
watch me clear out my bank account...

nasher

My last break up.. first thing I did was text my lovely hot back up! Then got my hair cut, bought new clothes and booked a holiday!.....clearly I was devastated :P

Jemmy

Faddymackshyte wrote: »

Jesus, I cry like I'm losing my reason.
It's good to have friends that will rally around, but after the latest break up, all I wanted to do was sleep. But I wasn't allowed to, I had to go and party, but avoided drinking because I knew I'd just end up sending him a message.

I also clean like a mad woman, it's a good way to keep myself distracted and there's a sense of satisfaction at the end.

Pretty much the same here. I dont avoid drink tho. Not good!

Pj!

Best of luck Femmy. It's very, very tough. It does get easier though!

Clare Bear

Hope you're still doing okay Femmy.

Femelade

TBH girls, the no contact thing didnt really work..i sent him a txt to wish him well for his holiday and he rang me. then i txted him to ask him how he was gettign on and he rang me.
i'm going to try and start again.
Today.

Clare Bear

Well when you fall off a horse you pick yourself up and get back on again...keep trying....no more texting for a while.....even if he has a big event etc coming up, there'll always be some excuse to text him. Good luck this time

Pj!

Femmy wrote: »

TBH girls, the no contact thing didnt really work..i sent him a txt to wish him well for his holiday and he rang me. then i txted him to ask him how he was gettign on and he rang me.
i'm going to try and start again.
Today.

Just aim for a week to start out. Even if you text him after a week, you really need the time to let yourself think, and help your head get around the whole thing.

Femelade

He's contacting me too..
I met him last night and he said that he's made a mistake by finishing with me..

Clare Bear

Femmy wrote: »

He's contacting me too..
I met him last night and he said that he's made a mistake by finishing with me..

Well what do you think about that? Do you want to get back with him? And for the right reasons, not just because you're missing eachother? If it's worth trying again and you think it's what is best for you both then go for it.