noisy bitch

dade

right lads and lasses of AH

i have this neighbour and she is a noisy bitch. and i don't mean the auld sex grunts and headboard banging or the shouts of glee from surprise butt sex. i mean doors banging, screaming arguments with the OH and music blaring at all hours day or night, if it was half decent i wouldn't mind so much but by Christ 5AM Saturday morning and the locomotion is not something i want to hear through the floorboards.

I have tried the friendly knocking at the door and politely asking her to lower it a little, i have even tried the politely knocking and telling her to STFU. on each occasion i was told to **** off as the door was slammed in my face. i have tried the hammering on the floor, making as much noise as possible, jumping up and down at ungodly hours (the joys of timber framed apartments) and even retaliated early in the mornings when i know shes had a party the night before, left the stereo on speakers pointing at the floor above her bedroom and left the apartment for 4 hours so i wouldn't have to listen to it. all to no avail. I even tried the formal make a complaint to the management company. so two years of her crap and I'm asking the good users of AH for so ideas on how to deal with this little annoying cùnt.

now no solutions like chloroform or surprise butt sex coz in all seriousness i wouldn't ride her with Snypers she's that septic looking.

Epic Tissue

leaky floorboards

Spud83

Well since you asked in after hours and not accommodation and property I would say take a dump right outside their front door.

dade

alanmurphy83 wrote: »

Well since you asked in after hours and not accommodation and property I would say take a dump right outside their front door.

hence why i asked in AH, the funnier the better

starflake

Simple solution. Call the guards. we have neighnours just like that shouting and playing music really loud late at night. we just call the guards everytime and that sorts it out. Eventually they will take the hint and STFU for good

biggus

There are enviromental noise limits that can be enforced by law. Councils used a DB meter . check out enviromental health and safety noise enforcement , they're light health inspectors but for noise instead of food. SDcc have one , her name is Catherine Gavin

vestanpance

Any chance of you being invitied to one of these parties? If so, sneak in a nice big salmon and hide it somewhere, hot press or something like that.

seamus

Put down wooden floors and walk around your house in steel-soled cowboy boots (with a spur preferably). Then buy a drumkit. Then hire an insomniac drum teacher to give you lessons at 2am.

dade

starflake wrote: »

Call the guards.

tried it they said it they could do nothing about it as it was a "civil" matter

chin_grin

Or you could arrive one night in a Garda uniform. Gain the trust knock on the door ask to inspect the premises. When you're inside, close the door behind you pull out the machete you've hidden down your trousers (not a euphemism) and hack her to pieces? Whatever you want to do after that is of your own volition.

Dunno, just a thought.

biko

Burn the place to the ground, oh wait...

missingtime

Propose to her.

dade

seamus wrote: »

Put down wooden floors and walk around your house in steel-soled cowboy boots (with a spur preferably). Then buy a drumkit. Then hire an insomniac drum teacher to give you lessons at 2am.

there ya go that's more like it. well I'm the balls of 17 stone (fat fùcker i know) put big boots on and jumped up (nearly putting my head through my ceiling) and slammed down on the floor. i even heard a muffled "**** what was that" friom her livingroom. sadly that only kept them quiet for a week

dr.bollocko

If you had a number of residents complaining about one specific incident, perhaps mentioned the possibitily of drugs there or something the guards would do more to help.
Any other neighbours sleep ruined by this bitch?
She throws some jammin parties though I have to say. I will call up the next time I'm there.

Anti

1. Shit in a paper bag.
2. place bag infront of neighbours door, and set on fire.
3. Knock door.
4. Run like **** !

dade

dr.bollocko wrote: »

If you had a number of residents complaining about one specific incident, perhaps mentioned the possibitily of drugs there or something the guards would do more to help.
Any other neighbours sleep ruined by this bitch?
She throws some jammin parties though I have to say. I will call up the next time I'm there.

yes she does, i just never get invited :-(

the person below her complained constantly to her own landlord (not teh gee bags) he did nothing about it so she moved out. other than that everyone else claims not to hear it.

Spud83

dr.bollocko wrote: »

If you had a number of residents complaining about one specific incident, perhaps mentioned the possibitily of drugs there or something the guards would do more to help.
Any other neighbours sleep ruined by this bitch?
She throws some jammin parties though I have to say. I will call up the next time I'm there.

even better plant drugs in their apartment and then call the guards.

Dragan

Head down to Woodies and get a big thing of wood glue. I mean a BIG ****ing pack of that ****. Next time you know she is asleep go down and glue her front door to the frame.

It won't help but it WILL be hilarious.

LouOB

1. Earplugs
2. Love the leaky floorboards - try to re-enact the 'flake' advert
3. At exactly 11pm at night find the electricity switch for the apt block and switch to OFF. If you are having these problems am sure other people are in the same complex. Warn the people you like/know and prepare for the giggles upstairs in the quietness

chin_grin

Anti wrote: »

1. Shit in a paper bag.
2. place bag infront of neighbours door, and set on fire.
3. Knock door.
4. Run like **** !

Eh, how about you just head over there knock on the door. She opens giving you a scowl like you just shot one in her eye. Take out a giant rubber dildo (eh, where/how you get one is up to you) and beat her to death with it. OR boil some oil in a pan, knock and throw it in her face? No? Too violent? Too far? Shucks.

Dunno, just a thought.

Ourlad

Dragan wrote: »

Head down to Woodies and get a big thing of wood glue. I mean a BIG ****ing pack of that ****. Next time you know she is asleep go down and glue her front door to the frame.

It won't help but it WILL be hilarious.

brilliant

egan007

Guards won't do anything anymore - instructions from the top.

COntact your county council, they have procedures.

FX Meister

Locate her esb fuse in the distribution panel and take it out. That's her sorted for a few days. I've had to do this once and the problem never happened again.

Black Swan

• Get the address and GPS coordinates for her flat.
• Send anonymous note to US Dept of Homeland Security that your neighbor plans to sh*t on the White House lawn.
• The Dept of Homeland Security will classify this as a potential terrorist act
• People with black body armour will suddenly show after midnight someday
• She will be renditioned to Gitmo and waterboarded for several years
• Problem solved.

Overheal

gards will be forced to respond if you suggest that the loud noise and door slamming is signs of domestic violence.

im not very good at the revenge game: too aware that most tactics will only work against you later. however, sugar + petrol tank = fun car times. a good awl tire slash would do em no harm either. but really i like the power pulling idea. Except dont simply remove it, replace it with an otherwise dud fuse so it will take them days to figure it out

jester77

Move to Leitrim and get a house in an isolated field!
The only sounds you'll hear is the local sheep getting surprise butt sex every now and again!

dr.bollocko

Overheal wrote: »

gards will be forced to respond if you suggest that the loud noise and door slamming is signs of domestic violence.

im not very good at the revenge game: too aware that most tactics will only work against you later. however, sugar + petrol tank = fun car times. a good awl tire slash would do em no harm either. but really i like the power pulling idea.

I dunno if sugaring the tank works as well as it does in the movies as far as I know.
Mythbusters did something on it maybe?
Yeah the revenge game is a bitch. The other party always has to up the ante, unless, of course, they do not know who has taken vengeance.

dr.bollocko

jester77 wrote: »

Move to Leitrim and get a house in an isolated field!
The only sounds you'll hear is the local sheep getting surprise butt sex every now and again!

It's not a surprise for the sheep. They love it so they do. Why do u think so many of them are in Leitrim?!

4zn76tysfajdxp

Chewing gum on the door handle, maybe?

I dunno, I've never had to commit revenge before...

Overheal

or if you can somehow disable their hot water. just for laughs.

Wazdakka

Elsie Tart Smallness wrote: »

Chewing gum on the door handle, maybe?

I dunno, I've never had to commit revenge before...

Pffft obviously

Dragan wrote: »

Head down to Woodies and get a big thing of wood glue. I mean a BIG ****ing pack of that ****. Next time you know she is asleep go down and glue her front door to the frame.

It won't help but it WILL be hilarious.

FX Meister

Overheal wrote: »

but really i like the power pulling idea. Except dont simply remove it, replace it with an otherwise dud fuse so it will take them days to figure it out

You have to cut the ESb seal and take their fuse, that's why it causes a lot of disruption. ESB won't be happy about this. Someone has to foot the bill, namely the noisy tennants landlord. Soon enough he will want them gone too. He doesn't give a **** what hassle they cause as long as he gets paid so you need to affect him.

hobochris

when shes out, drill a hole in the floor boards above her bedroom, put a web cam down there and then post the pic's on the internet.

after a few months leave an anonymous note with the web address. see how she likes that.

actually that may be a bit to far.

dade

Overheal wrote: »

gards will be forced to respond if you suggest that the loud noise and door slamming is signs of domestic violence.

seriously considered it, my OH said no. making a false report and all that

Overheal wrote: »

im not very good at the revenge game: too aware that most tactics will only work against you later. however, sugar + petrol tank = fun car times. a good awl tire slash would do em no harm either.

bitch parks under a street light. though i have considered battery acid or a sneaky nail iner all four wheels

FX wrote:

Locate her esb fuse in the distribution panel and take it out. That's her

might look into that. it's a new apt block and all teh trip switches are inside each unit but there is a central board in the communal hall

chewing gum, cna be traced (i watch CSI )

wood glue i like.. a lot

have also consideres every so often turning her satalite dish, but alas it may point to me to easily

or even pisisng on her balchoney. but i do make a point when it's raining and i hear her i sweep teh rain water from my balchoney down in teh hope i hit someone. unfortunatly she never hangs cloths out so i cant sweep it on to hem

gamblitis

Chewing gum!! Come on!! She didn't steal his lunch money!lol Try sneak in the house some day and find her salt cellar. Add a teeny lil dab of anthrax. Nah fcuk it just replace the whole thing,and her sugar bowl and her washing powder and her coke if you make it to any of those parties she has. See how much noise the bitch makes then!

Overheal

srsly though, the council can help you with a decibel meter and all that. there are ways to make an actual case out of it. I'd do that before you go hurting yourself when she can defend you glued her door shut. twice. (because you will and you know it)

dade

Overheal wrote: »

srsly though, the council can help you with a decibel meter and all that. there are ways to make an actual case out of it. I'd do that before you go hurting yourself when she can defend you glued her door shut. twice. (because you will and you know it)

already sent an email to FCC this morning about her.

i'm heading away for a few days so was thinking of getting a timer switch for teh stereo. but didn't want to piss of the rest of teh residents.

keep em coming guys, it's friday and we all need a giggle

Little-Devil

dade wrote: »

tried it they said it they could do nothing about it as it was a "civil" matter

After two years of trying to be reasonable its about time you played them at there own game. If i was you i would get a CD player with a timer on it and each morning before you leave for work or go out whenever leave to play at a nice high volume but not to loud and set a time of say 2hrs after it should knock itself off

Overheal

can you slip some rodents down her chimney stack?

Duckjob

Axe.
Door.
"Shining" re-enactment

dade

Overheal wrote: »

can you slip some rodents down her chimney stack?

nah they might be related and decide to move in permenantly and coming to visit me :eek:

popebenny16

when they are out of the house, kick down the door and smash the stereo and telly and radio to bits.

piss all over her sofa

smash her fuse box with an axe

if you have time, empty the contents of the fridge all over her bed, and the bin with it, jump up and down on the bed for a good while to mush it all in

bring a few cans of paint and chuck them all over the place

DenMan

Block your phone and ring the Gardai anonymously and make a complaint next time the music is on or there is shouting at 5am. You are not obliged to give your details if do not want to. They will send someone over to investigate. End of problem. This is unacceptable and needs to be sorted out immediately. Don't stand for that OP and put an end to it. If nobody else does then it will become part of your daily/weekly routine. Weekend is right on top of us and the ball is in your court. Good luck with it.

Creature

I'm surprised it hasn't been said yet but stab her in the eye, remove eye, eat it then rape her eyesocket.

dr.bollocko

Creature wrote: »

I'm surprised it hasn't been said yet but stab her in the eye, remove eye, eat it then rape her eyesocket.

:eek:

That's only really revenge if you bring friends.
With AIDS.

freewing

Not sure but I think you can hire that big fecker from the Predater films to stay in your place while your away.
Prob solved

minxie

AK47:D

gamblitis

dr.bollocko wrote: »

:eek:

That's only really revenge if you bring friends.
With AIDS.

lol SKULLFCUKFEST!

Baraboo

Had you thought of taking up the Bagpipes?

gamblitis

Tie her to a chair and shove a tube from the exhaust of your car down her throat

minxie

gamblitis wrote: »

Tie her to a chair and shove a tube from the exhaust of your car down her throat

then bury her under the floorboards and do a dance over her every night