The Nocturnal Bible

orestes

Ok, since it has been decided that the Bible is pretty boring and could do with some spicing up, so who better to rewrite the most influential book in the history of human civilisation than a bunch of lunatics who never sleep! But they weren't available so we're gonna do it ourselves instead!

So, here it is, the Nocturnal Bible Thread!

Couple of quick things.

We aren't here to completely rewrite the bible, just to spruce it up a little bit. Tweak the characters a little bit and throw in the odd segway here and there (and of course the occasional car chase and shoot out). The overall plot of the bible has to remain the same, we're just gonna write it in a different way.

This is in no way intended to be offensive to christians. It's just a bit of fun. As soon as we are finished with this we're moving on to the koran (well, once someone here reads it of course) and then we're heading on to scientology, but how we can make that any whackier is beyond me!

So let's go folks, let's create a masterpiece and maybe form our own religion too!

AlmightyCushion

And on the seventh day, God stayed up all night watching youtube videos and eating coco pops out of the box.

Steve

Feel free to use my 'in the beginning' post in lair as a start.

or not maybe if you think it was crap.

takola

stevec wrote: »

Feel free to use my 'in the beginning' post in lair as a start.

I like that idea. Alot!

orestes

The Nocturnal Origins

In the beginning there was bright stuff.

And God saw this and was displeased so he created night.

And He said let the creatures of the night group together and converse on a forum.

And He named it the Nocturnal forum.

And God saw this and it was good.

orestes

Origins courtesy of stevec

Sad Professor

I think we need to make Jesus more like Jason Bourne. He needs to know how to fight and and drive cars. And the deciples are kinda boring. How about they all get blown up?

And at the end when Jesus is on the cross, God should send him down some guns.

Steve

And there was a great darkness on the face of the forum

And God saw this and said hmmmm

So God said LET THERE BE LIGHT!

And there was light, everyone squinted.

And God was banned from the nocturnal forum because He obviously didnt read the charter and was trolling at this stage.*

And darkness returned to the face of the of the forum and peace and tranquility reigned once again.

*God was told to take if to feedback but unfortunately the DeVil sitebanned him for a month.


** I really need a life.

kaimera

orestes wrote: »

The Nocturnal Origins

In the beginning there was bright stuff.

And God saw this and was displeased so he created night.

And He said let the creatures of the night group together and converse on a forum.

And He named it the Nocturnal forum.

And God saw this and it was good.

And on the fifth day, God created youtube.

And on the sixth day, God created R*

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

And on the seventh day, God stayed up all night watching youtube videos and eating coco pops out of the box.

kaimera

stevec wrote: »

And there was a great darkness on the face of the forum

And God saw this and said hmmmm

So God said LET THERE BE LIGHT!

And there was light, everyone squinted.

And God was banned from the nocturnal forum because He obviously didnt read the charter and was trolling at this stage.*

And darkness returned to the face of the of the forum and peace and tranquility reigned once again.

*God was told to take if to feedback but unfortunately the DeVil sitebanned him for a month.


** I really need a life.

ftr, God has to sound like Christopher Walken or else this bible thing is just gonna be an epic fail.

yes/no?

orestes

Sad Professor wrote: »

I think we need to make Jesus more like Jason Bourne. He needs to know how to fight and and drive cars. And the deciples are kinda boring. How about they all get blown up?

And at the end when Jesus is on the cross, God should send him down some guns.

Dunno about that dude. Jesus was a pacifist (I'm pretty sure he made a big deal about that kind of thing) so turning him into a bad ass would be against the plot. We could just turn him into a total wuss and have people trying to kick his ass and him running away crying or just getting his ass kicked while quoting scripture between taking punches.

We can't mess with the basic plot. This is like an edit, not a total rewrite. So we can't kill the apostles. We could have Judas do a load of coke while nailing some hookers though since he's the bad guy

orestes

stevec wrote: »

And there was a great darkness on the face of the forum

And God saw this and said hmmmm

So God said LET THERE BE LIGHT!

And there was light, everyone squinted.

And God was banned from the nocturnal forum because He obviously didnt read the charter and was trolling at this stage.*

And darkness returned to the face of the of the forum and peace and tranquility reigned once again.

*God was told to take if to feedback but unfortunately the DeVil sitebanned him for a month.


** I really need a life.

You're a genius dude!

kaimera wrote: »

ftr, God has to sound like Christopher Walken or else this bible thing is just gonna be an epic fail.

yes/no?

+1 from me

Steve

kaimera wrote: »

ftr, God has to sound like Christopher Walken or else this bible thing is just gonna be an epic fail.

yes/no?

I was thinking of getting Morgan Freeman to do it 'March of the Pengiuns' style.

randylonghorn

kaimera wrote: »

And on the sixth day, God created R*

/struts

kaimera

As tempting as it sounds...

Chris hands down beats Morgan in the face

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vNk4K3YaIc

KnifeWRENCH

Oh Yay, and God did say unto his flock "I hath no mercy. You have displeased your Lord and shall now feel my wrath.
I wreak a cruel vengence upon thee - ye shalt be reminded of ye're wicked sins by an omnipresent body which burns hotter than the fires of hell.

Ye shalt fear it. And I shalt call it - The Sun"

cHaTbOx

When God created man, Adam and Eve were unheard of .

The real name of the first humans were, Alabaster and Pandora.

But God was not perfect yet and when he made them he didn’t expect Alabaster and Pandora to turn out to be Nocturnal loving vampire Goths.

After he made them and placed them in the Garden of Eden, he saw that they feared the Sun.

God was afraid of being teased by his god friends by saying Alabaster and Pandora were freaks.

But God loved them; he loved having people to talk to at night, make a hot leaf drink with cow juices (later renamed tea) and bitter and sweet bean juice (later renamed coffee and hot chocolate)

But God was being bullied by other Gods for not having normal sun loving creatures.

God had a talk with Alabaster and Pandora and said ‘’Ok, here’s the situation, I need to make day loving creatures so I can get them other gods of my back, but I will make it so if they do anything I say is forbidden they will get kicked out muhahahhahahahahhaah ’’.

Alabaster and Pandora accepted this and decided to live in the cave that God had made for them during the day and come out and talk to him during the night.

God had made them special clothes to wear in the dark and decided that the day crawlers should wear leaves.

Alabaster and Pandora were able to remove their clothing, but Adam and Eve could not remove the leaf.

This made them frustrated as they could not show passions of sorts.

Seeing that God treated Alabaster and Pandora way better than them and that Adam was frustrated, Eve started to rebel and ate the apple that was forbidden to them(because they were for Alabaster and Pandora for an apple pie that night).

Adam and Eve were thrown out of the Garden of Eden where it was sunny into the dark of earth.

Alabaster and Pandora grew frustrated and God was becoming clingy, so they decided to leave the Garden of Eden.

God was pissed and was acting like a clingy other half (this is where we find evidence God was maybe a woman)and decided to throw all they could at the night and day crawlers.......................

Nerin

This thread is made of win and awesome.

this thread pleases me

trout

The Nocturnal Beatitudes

Blessed are those who sleep not by night, for they shall have indigestion

Blessed are those who expect little, for they are seldom dissappointed

Blessed are those with oppossable thumbs, for the Xbox shall be their reward

Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after midnight, for they shall eat their fill of convenience foods, greasy snacks and carbonated sugary water

Blessed are the fitful sleepers, for they shall obtain erections at odd hours

Blessed are they that scream and fart, they shall never want for entertainment

Blessed are the pacemakers: for they shall take a lickin' and keep on tickin'

Blessed are they that suffer insomnia for fupp's sake, for theirs is the irritation of happy little birds chirping at the break of dawn

Blessed are the geek ... that is all

Marcus.Aurelius

On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:”You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years.”

The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

OR as my namesake put it

Do every act of thy life as if it were thy last.
Marcus Aurelius, Rome, 162 AD

Nocturnal Exodus Chapter 1:

And Moses the third said unto DeV, "let my people go, to the land of their destiny".

And DeV, blessed be His name, said unto him "Your people may go, their insomnia makes them worthless to me, they are but shells during the day. Take thy people to the land of the Nocturnal Forum, for there shall they find their dominion, in a Land we the Admins have created, flowing with Milk and Sleeping Pills. Go out from before me!"

Moses III: "Cheers DeV"

kerash

kaimera wrote: »

ftr, God has to sound like Christopher Walken or else this bible thing is just gonna be an epic fail.

yes/no?

For me thats a given!:D Love, love, love Chris Walken:cool:

KnifeWRENCH

1. The Forum is the Lord thy God. Thou shall not put other fora before it. (Get out of AH and get yer arse over here)

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the forum in vain (this means no posting during Flamey Cancer ball time!)

3. Remember to keep holy the nocturnal hours (failing to report here during the night- that's a paddlin')

4. Always worship thy mods (but only when they're looking)

5. Thou shalt not kill the spirit of this forum by being all serious. (I mean like - Yo, bitch! Oh no you di'int! rabble rabble......)

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery (in this context, means less of the flirting, plenty of other desperate people on teh interwebz)

7. Thou shalt not steal rays of sunlight by going out during the day. Flamey Cancer Ball kills, people! The only way to protect yourself is to stay in a dark room forever (and if you have a goldfish, you can make it turn white! Coooool! )

8.Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour - Thunderdomes thataway ----> http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=484

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours wife (plenty of better lookin' wimmins on teh net to covet....)

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours goods (except in the Snacks thread, where you are free to drool all over your keyboard)

When in doubt, end all posts with a random image.

MizzLolly

Y'know, God doesn't really mind if you do happen to 'covet thy neighbours wife'. The real God will pat you on the back, hand you some porn (I couldn't post without mentioning it, given my new reputation) and tell you when the 'neighbour' is out so you can 'covet' his daughter!

Steve

MizzLolly wrote: »

Y'know, God doesn't really mind if you do happen to 'covet thy neighbours wife'. The real God will pat you on the back, hand you some porn (I couldn't post without mentioning it, given my new reputation) and tell you when the 'neighbour' is out so you can 'covet' his daughter!

I cast thee down to hell to eternally burn forever for speaking such blasphemy about our glorious admins.*


*may not actually work.
** if it does, I'm kinda gonna be done for murder.
*** oh shit.

MizzLolly

SteveC wrote: »

I cast thee down to hell

What about my restraining order?

Steve

MizzLolly wrote: »

What about my restraining order?

Well, if you like being restrained.....

MizzLolly

SteveC wrote: »

Well, if you like being restrained.....

God doesn't like when you put MizzLolly on the spot like that! :eek:

Steve

Doctor DooM

Winnest thread ever!

Someone do Satan!

Not, like, sexually.

takola

(Ignore spelling mistakes!)

On that faithful Thursday afternoon, you know the one before Good Friday (What’s good about the pubs being closed?), Jesus whipped out his purple blackberry and sent a group message to the chosen 12 who were destined to share his last meal. Jesus was fairly bummed out that none of them was a chef as he was getting pissed off with the whole “changing sh1t into food and wine” and besides, he had given up miracles for lent. He knew his wallet would only stretch enough to cover the rental of the function room. He had a faint hope that one of the lads may have been paid that day so that they could order take out but it was very faint because they all worked for a non-profit organisation.

The delivery reports and replies poured in saying they’d be there by 8pm. Doom replied to ask if could he could bring along the missus, to which Jesus replied “Whipped! FFS dude, it’s a lads night. No wimmin allowed”. And so the plan was set.

At roughly 8 that evening , Trout, Doom, orestes, Tak (Who was a woman but was fiendishly disguised so nobody noticed - until Dan Brown came along and blew her cover), Kaimera, Chatbox, Crystal, Professor , Sherifu, Gavin and Kharn had gathered around the table in the function room of the Nazareth Hilton. Nerin arrived 20 minutes later with apologies as orestes had used all his leg wax and he’d had to find a pair of trousers.

Jesus sat in the place of honour at the centre of the table, took a few loaves, buttered them, pulled a packet of ham from beneath his robes, generously stuffed his own, passed the ham to his disciples and said, “Take this all of you and eat it. For this is the body of a pig which I give onto you”. When the lads started scoffing Nerin started complaining that orestes had left his dirty loincloth on the floor - again - and orestes replied that Nerin was neglecting him sexually and it was starting to get up his arse. (Not). Jesus cleared his throat loudly and the 2 fell silent. Nerin blushed. Tak was disappointed as she usually enjoyed nerin and orestes’ domestics.

Jesus told them to take that outside and they both left. Raised voices could be heard for about 10 minutes and then it was silent. Jesus asked chatbox to go and get them as he wanted to continue his speech. Chatbox returned looking quite flustered. He mumbled something about orestes no longer being sexually neglected and complained about surprise buttsecks in the bathroom which turned everyone right off their food.

takola

The content of Part II is wildly explicit and it is recommended that you skip to Part III. I have done this for you by omitting the content. To spare the blushes of the the two main characters therein.

(Use your imagination - if you must)

takola

When supper had ended and orestes and Nerin had returned to their seats with a ruddy glow to their cheeks (all of them), Jesus warily recommenced his speech. “In a few hours one of you will betray me” he said looking not angrily but disappointedly at orestes. Orestes insisted he would never betray him. To which Jesus replied, “You will betray me with a kiss”.

“He will in his arse!”, Nerin exclaimed shoving back his chair and knocking the table so hard that Doom spilled his wine over the front of his trousers.

Jesus roared menacingly, “So it has been written, so it shall be done!” (Get over it b1tch!). Nerin glared but Jesus took no notice as he picked up his cup. (Lo. The cat sleepeth) Forgot to give thanks and praise (again) to God almighty who was not a happy bunny but was in fact an omnipotent being who ruled the universe (Or so he would tell anyone would listen - which on the last count was nobody) and said “Lads, you should try that wine. S’lovely!” (

“How did he get here?” said Sherifu pointing to Michelangelo who was sitting in the corner gazing up every so often from behind an esel. “Didn’t we invite that DaVinci guy?” Jesus asked.

“I tried,” Tak replied, shrugging. “But he was too busy, something about Mona Lisa and helicopters.”

Jesus picked up his phone after several rings and one or two worried glances and after a couple of resigned “Yes‘s” and the odd “I know” and the occasional “Yeah but” he closed it, rolled his eyes and said “My dad. I have to go”.

The party broke up as everyone took their positions for Good Friday.

KnifeWRENCH

Oh that's lovely. Ye had supper and buttsekz and I wasn't invited!! :mad:

The Lord said: "May all neglected Nocturnal dwellers (i.e. square_igloo) rejoice, for there's is the Kingdom of Heaven. All other heathens shall burn eternally in the fiery depths of hell Flamey Cancer Ball."

square_igloo heard. And there was much rejoicing.

Steve

takola wrote: »

Jesus picked up his phone after several rings and one or two worried glances and after a couple of resigned “Yes‘s” and the odd “I know” and the occasional “Yeah but” he closed it, rolled his eyes and said “My dad. I have to go”.

Yeah, sorry I know. I just had to get the little fecker home. He's really not supposed to be out late, what with the ASBO and all.

takola

square_igloo wrote: »

Oh that's lovely. Ye had supper and buttsekz and I wasn't invited!! :mad:

The Lord said: "May all neglected Nocturnal dwellers (i.e. square_igloo) rejoice, for there's is the Kingdom of Heaven. All other heathens shall burn eternally in the fiery depths of hell Flamey Cancer Ball."

square_igloo heard. And there was much rejoicing.

Sorry igloo, I only had 12 spaces so used the people I've seen post most. With the exception of the Mod's who simply had to be in it.

SteveC wrote: »

Yeah, sorry I know. I just had to get the little fecker home. He's really not supposed to be out late, what with the ASBO and all.

Kids these days!

Nerin

stickied for easy access and because its awesome

MizzLolly

takola wrote: »

I only had 12 spaces so used the people I've seen post most.

*coughs*

cHaTbOx

MizzLolly wrote: »

*coughs*

You can be Mary Magdalene

she was a ......... there:pac:

eVeNtInE

This post has been deleted.

MizzLolly

random chatbox wrote: »

You can be Mary Magdalene

she was a ......... there:pac:

You're mean. I'm very disappointed Chatbox! :P

Mr Crystal wrote: »

Under the table :pac:

:eek: Dirty bugger!

Nerin

And thus Jesus went into the garden with his disciples, and The Nocturnals, drunk and bored, followed. Later that night, Roman soldiers led by Judas showed up to arrest Jesus. The Nocturnals watched on, wondering what was going to go down. Judas kissed Jesus, betraying him, and the Nocturnals all giggled, Orestes making a very clever joke about a lovers tiff and so forth. One of the disciples cut off a soldiers ear at which point Sdoom intervened. “An ear?! WTF?! If you’re gonna do it, do it right, you wimp!” and behold, The might Boomstick of Doom did appear, and he didth bust a cap in yon ass of the evil soldier.
The Romans, seeing the real threat was the Nocturnals, turned their attention away from the ear stabbing disciples. Nerin was going to point out the irony of Doom saving a guy who would technically be a zombie next weekend, but remembered that the garden was technically in the Christianity forum and he’d get banned.

The soldiers surrounded the Nocturnals, while across the garden, Dooms roars of insane bloodlust could be heard. The soldiers exchanged banter with them for a really long time. Like, really super long. Like 28 minutes anime tv show long. Really long. Ahem. Takola got bored as no one was dancing or fighting so ripped a soldier apart with her bare hands. Random Chatbox, having stood too close, was now covered in Roman blood, which at the time, was almost impossible to get out.

The Nocturnals bravely fought the soldiers, and it looked like that Jesus guy would make his escape, except Judas, who was infact a re-reg, told the soldiers the weakness of the Nocturnals. They had the jewish priests conjure a solar beam of epic proportions and made their escape. The Nocturnals lay in agony, the jewish priests mini shiny cancer ball slowly frying them. All looked lost!!!

Suddenly clouds surrounded the priests and the mini sun was extinguished. “Jesus‘ Da?!” asked Aishling quietly.
“LOL, no” a voice echoed from beyond the darkness. “Im so better” A priest tried to crawl away in the confusion, but a sparkling magic whip wrapped around him. “Thaed!” everyone exclaimed.
Nerin thanked Thaed and tried to give her a hug but she told him to STFU and GTFO and lead the Nocturnals for revenge against the romans.

Outside the jail:
Randylonghorn and Peter sat by the fire watching hot dancer girls. A waitress asked Peter if he knew jesus 3 times, and all 3 times he said no, and all 3 times Randy made an innuendo. The third time she asked, Rigger held up a screenshot of Jesus and Peter showing them as Bebo other halfs, and Peter was led away in shackles. Sherifu noted how he was now going to receive Surprise Buttsecks and LOLed.

Inside the Jail:
The Nocturnals had snuck in and were freeing Jesus. “Wait” Nerin said “In the future are yore followers going to be whiny little beatches at Nocturnals?” Jesus went red. “Ummmmmmm…Hey look, StarPants in a hot batgirl outfit!” Nerin turned and looked around just as Jesus planted a roundhouse kick in his face. Takola kicked him while he was on the ground and said “Get up you idiot” Nerin and Jesus pulled out swords, Orestes making a penis joke. “There can be only one!” They yelled. They dueled for several minutes and suddenly MizzLolly walked in. “Oh hai, what’d I miss?” she asked. “OH hai, nothing much, just GAHHHHH” Nerin was impaled by Jesus through the heart and fell dead. The Nocturnals all pushed Jesus back in the cage and locked it, carrying Nerin away. Luckily, Nerin was a Nocturnal and began to revive “LOL” he muttered, “didn’t cut off my head loser” “ZOMBIE!!!11!!1!” screamed Sdoom and shot Nerin in the chest. Takola smacked Doom and said “WTF noob, hes not a zombie!” The Nocturnals wandered out of the Holy Land and on to Greece.

Nerin

Wandering through Sparta the Nocturnals decided to chill out with Leonidas, who wasn’t a bad guy. They hung out and drank and cavorted or whatever the hell one does for fun there. There was much dancing which pleased Takola, and much drinking which pleased everyone else. One day a Persian messenger showed up. Random Chatbox said “I don’t like the look of this, theres a pattern emerging” .
Everyone was ignoring the heated discussion between the messenger and the king. Instead the sat throwing rocks into a big pit. Suddenly Leonidas roared THIS IS SPARTA and kicked the messenger, who went flying towards the Nocturnals. They scattered, except stevec, who didn’t realise what was happening. The Persian went tripping over stevec and into the pit. “Oh SHI…” said Leo. “I only meant to kick him, not into the pit. LOL. Oh well, guess we’re at war”.
The Nocturnals all glared at stevec, who shrugged. Sherifu looked into the pit and LOLed.

The Spartans and Nocturnals marched towards the Hot Gates, the guys hoping they were called the hot gates because of Corset wearing babes who’d want to join them. Takola face palmed, and due to her being the official psychic, knew the pickings were slim beyond the pass…. unless you like Persian warriors. The Nocturnal ladies shrugged, Spartan muscle men were much better.
At the cliffs the spatans ran some Persians off the cliffs while djspider did a cool metal spatan mix beat on the decks.
Memento kept asking the group could he join, but Nerin banned him and said stfu, so he went with the Persians and told them a way around the pass. Leonidas led the Spartans into a final charge, while Nerin and Sdoom, as was their modly duty, charged too. They learned a valuable lesson, Persian arrows are pointy and sore.
The nocturnals, seeing this, hung out on the cliffs, waiting for Nerin and Doom to revive. “Oww” said Nerin as he stretched covered in arrows. Doom opened his eyes. “ZOMBIE!!!11!!!!!” he yelled and shot Nerin. “OMFG im a ZOMMMBIEEE!!!!111!!” Doom shot himself too. Tak and the girls all face palmed. “Fail” said Sherifu and picked up Dooms shotgun. Chatbox looked around.
“Seriously guys, there is a pattern emerging”.

When the mods woke up the Nocturnals wanted to know where they'd head next. Rozabeez suggested the land of Karl Hungus, Japan, whereas Orestes was intent on going to middle Europe. Since Nerin and SDoom couldnt decide, they made them flip a coin. Orestes won, so first they would head to the land of Vlad Tsepes, known also as Dracula. Then they'd head towards Japan. Rozabeez gave Nerin hell for not backing her up. SDoom shot more zombies. Then Nerin said screw this, and headed east, to the land of Karl Hungus! Orestes sulked until he was given more JD.

Nerin

Upon their arrival, Karl made them all very welcome, with feasts and banqueting the likes of which they'd never seen. Japan was a glorious place in that time, well ahead of the world. While Dracula was still using dialup, Karl had invented 3Mb broadband. While feasting, a figure approached the palace, many of the geisha bowing before it. Takola was shocked "WTF, its Pighead!"

"Pighead greets ye nocturnal feckers into this flimsy silk laden land. Pighead took a wrong turn when out searching a never ending supply of tea. They made Pighead a god, see. Finally some recognition for his porky greatness."

Pighead told them, in the third person (which it turns out is much more effort than one thinks) that an 8 headed, 8 tailed monster was causing havok in a nearby village. Evryime pighead would find a hot young one, the monster would eat her, causing him much grief. Had come to ask Karl to "Ban the bollocks out of it for good ould Pighead" but Karl was too busy checking out Devon Aoki or that chick from Battle Royale on his 3mb innerwebz. Nerin and Doom offered the Nocturnals assistance. Chatbox facepalmed. "Seriously lads, pattern!!111!!1!"

When they all arrived at the village,( without Rozabeez, who was off buying outfits,like Goodbye Kitty and Schoolgirl stuff) they found a warrior god named Susa-no-o had beaten them to it and was aboutto engage the beast by getting it drunk. Orestes stepped in. "If i can beat it in a drinking contest can we please go see some vampire babes in Draculas place?!" Nerin and SDoom nodded. Susa-no-o filled 8 tubs with rice wine while orestes prepared some bottles of super jd infused with absinthe. Thaed appeared to prepare the absinthe, muttering about how "yore doin it wrong".

After many hours the beast fell over comatose, while orestes drawled about stand up comedy and "shtuffs".
Susa-no-o cut off the heads and tails, finding a magical sword called Kusangi. Nerins bansword had been acting weird since Greece, so he stole it and melged them together with winrar.

They collected Rozabeez,who had bags full of magical goodies and carried sleeping,soon to be hungover Orestes towards Europe. Takola grabbed SDooms shotgun, just incase he thought Orestes was a zombie when he awoke. SDoom grumbled.

Faraway:

Dracula roared in his tower as he tried to connect to msn to get Nerins email that the Nocturnals were on their way.
"F&%KING DIALUP!!!1!!"

To be continued...

Nerin

High in the carpathian mountains:
"UGGGGGGGGGHHHH! my brainnnnnn" Orestes groaned.
Sdoom turned quickly, Takola smacking him in the head. "No Doom. Hangover." SDoom grumbled and kept walking.
In the distance Darwin hung out of a tree, while Beercat fluttered around him, both yelling wildly. SquareIgloo held his hands over his ears. "WTF monkeyfudge?! does he see the castle?" Monkeyfudge took out his head phones and listened. "Nope, he's complaining about the lack of fruit cocktails in this region of Europe."

(For those wondering, Beercat, new nickname NoxCat, joined Nerin on his travels in Japan, but thats another story)

Takola grabbed Nerin and started beating the crap out of him "You sack, WTF?! You got us lost!!!1!!"
Kerash and Alicat grabbed her just before she could land a kick to his special area (phew). Takola looked sweetly embarrassed. "oh um. got carried away. lol"
nkay pointed over to SP who was staring intently into the mist with nightvision goggles. "HEY GUYS! I SEE A CARRIAGE"
Tragedy looked around, worried. "Um, im not taking a lift with strangers, screw that"
Galvasean piped up "I wont even talk to them unless they promise puppies and candies"

The carriage pulled up, wild blue flames dancing from its lanterns. "Welcommmmmmme." the hooded figure rasped.
"This guy looks legit" Galvasean innocently whispered to Trout.
Trout facepalmed. "i dont mean to step on ye young mods toes, but do ye think this is a good idea?"
Nerin and Sdoom looked at eachother. "i know" SDoom said "lets get the official psychic to read him".
"already ahead of ye" she said while rolling her eyes. "i got nothin. doesnt seem to be the full shilling"
"I bring you to castleee dracuuuuula" drooled the figure.
The Nocturnals all looked at eachother, and at the same time said "GTFO".

Orestes jumped up. "oh screwww you guys! im not wandering around when i could be up to my nipples in vampire babes. its so worth the risk of getting into a mentally deficient, inbred, possibly homicidal maniacs carriage. whos with me?!"
No one moved or spoke.
Minidazzler stepped forward. "i'll take the ring, i mean, sh1t,um, i'll go see vampire babes with you"
Sherifu jumped forward. "oh im so not missing this. hehehehe"

And with that, the three entered the carriage and sped away into the distance.

5 hours later:
Just as Takola was about to pull Nerins bansword out and stab him in the foot, they arrived at castle Dracula.
Dracula opened the huge door. "Ah, Noctoornalls. I bid you Velcum" he said slowly.
Galva looked around. "ok, this guy seems totally legit". No one spoke. Nerin nodded, "yup he is, me and vlad go way back. you wouldnt believe the crazy pranks this crazy turk killing mofo would pull in highschool." Sdoom went rigid. Everyone followed his gaze to shuffling figures in the castles graveyard.
"not zombies?" he sighed. "No" Dracula said "Ghouls" Doom looked at Nerin like an expectant puppy. "Yup Doom, go on, they arent under Nocturnal protection. filthy vermin" Doom skipped off giggling waving his shotgun.

Everyone entered the dining hall and sat down. Dracula stopped with the accent, as it was just an act for tourists.
"Whos this enchanting young creature" he said gesturing to Aishling.
Nerin pushed Dracula to his seat "Dont start".
Drac sighed and then smiled at Rozabeez. Nerin facepalmed as Rozabeez LOL'ed and smiled back.

Takola jumped from the table, startling everyone. "psychic text message from orestes! hes in trouble!!!"
Everyone sprang from their chairs. "No" she said," this is a job for us ladies"
With that Tak, Blue Lagoon, Looby Loo and MizzLolly walked towards the balcony.
Nerin made NoxCat transform into his epic form and fly them away.

The remaining Nocturnals looked around. "Sooo" thusspakeblixa said. "what now?"
Patrick and Mr Crystal picked up some cases filled with booze. "Drinks?"

To be continued...

Nerin

At Castle Dracula:

The Nocturnals were enjoying a shindig of epic proportions. Dracula wandered over to Nerin. "Drink brother?" "Nah im good with this quadruple jd" "suit yourself" Draculas brides (three hotties indeed) and himself went into another room. Screams filled the air for a moment then stopped. The four returned to the room, the Nocturnals all staring. Dracula smirked, "oh look, a distraction" he said as a portal began to appear in the middle of the banquet hall. WTF everyone exclaimed. a figure stepped through the portal. As the smoke cleared, they all saw a familiar face....

In Hungary:
The four Nocturnal ladies wandered in the bleak countryside, Noxcat flying ahead. Looby was feeling a little doubtful they were going the right direction. "Dont worry" Takola smiled "Psychic Gps".
They soon came to a small village, a ghost town if you will, long since deserted.
They split up (no-one say a freaking thing, these are nocturnal ladies, they arent like chicks in a horror film, they're fine on their own). Takola and Blue went north in the village while Looby and Lolly went east. Tak held her temples, scanning the huts with her eyes closed. "There" she pointed to a large hut. Blue whipped out her guns.

Looby and Lolly came to a clearing, a thick fog enveloping them. Loobys faces squished up. "Ewww whats that smell" she gasped. Lolly heard shuffles and digging in the distance coming closer and closer. They both looked at each other as they heard a growl and the shuffling became running footsteps. "Ghouls!"

Nerin

Somewhere:
Orestes regained conciousness, rubbing his bruised head. He could see and hear nothing, except the slow drip of water. He tried to move but found he was in a cramped cage. WTF he muttered, trying to swing it side to side. "STFU" a weak voice came form the darkness. Orestes stopped still, trying to see where the voice was coming from. "Dont make any noise! when they know youre awake, they come back!" They? Orestes wondered. Torches began to flame along a narrow corridor coming towards him, a figure walking slowly behind them. Orestes eyes opened wide. "Holy shi...."

In the hungarian graveyard:
Lolly pulled out a long whip with a small bladed end as Looby pulled out a cross bow. The Ghouls were everywhere, their rotting flesh and gruesome faces dancing through the fog. Lolly cracked the whip, cutting two ghouls apart, Looby let fly the cross bow, a powerful bolt piercing through several ghouls rotting flesh. The ladies fought bravely, but the ghouls were too numerous, and closing in fast...

In the village:
Blue kicked the door in, pointing her guns wildly around the room. Tak pulled out two small axes and gasped. The room was filled with frightened faces.
"Pleease dooont hurt us" an old man whispered. In the corner a child clung to its mother crying. "We are just passing through here, looking for our friend" Blue reassured the villagers. "No one but monsters passthrough here anymore" the old man sighed." Even the village has become their home".
Takola looked outside to the east, thick fog growing closer. "its the castle to the west of here, the devil lives there, the devil" the man cried. Blue looked at Tak. "we better get the other two and head west then" The mans eyes grew wide "Others, where?!" "Just east of here" the girls said. "Then they are already dead. The devils ghoul army feeds to the east in our old graveyard!" Blue looked at Tak and they both ran out the door.

Graveyard:
The ghouls had them surrounded, but Looby and Lolly wouldnt give in, taking out any ghoul that stepped too close. "Theres too many" Looby cried. Lolly whispered"as long as they make the classic mistake of attacking one by one we'll be fine" The ghouls all looked at eachother and started walking slowly towards them at the same time. "WTF Lolly?!" Looby screamed. "i thought they were dense like zombies" Loly cried. In the distance a huge figure walked slowly towards them. The ground shook and the ghouls turned. a huge boulder flew past taking out dozens of them. The ghouls all screamed turning their attention on the giant shadow. Blue and Tak arrived, taking out many of the ghouls behind Looby and Lolly. "What is that" Lolly yelled. Blue changed her pistol clips and aimed them at the creature emerging from the fog. Takola groaned. "cyclops"

Nerin

Somewhere west of the village:
"...t. Youre freaking hawt!!!" Orestes yelled. The countess turned and looked up at him, her handmaidens frowning.
"Where did you get this one" she purred. "igor m'lady" one whispered and bowed"he stole him from Dracula. " The countess laughed, her voice full of evil. "Good, that mopey fag doesnt deserve any fun" Sherifu woke up. "did someone say fag?Lol wtf why am i in a cage. whose this hugarafag. wtf lol lol lol" Minidazzler whimpered from the other side of the room. "ouchies. where are we. who is she. wheres the sexy party?!"
The voice that had warned Orestes spoke up. "then you all made the same mistake i did. i knew flirting would be how i died" Sherifu laughed. "The ironing is delicious. you fags are all gonna get eaten! wait, did i just miss caturday for this?!"
The voice spoke again. "Stfu! Orestes, we need to get out of here" Orestes stared at the guy. "whats yore name? "Challengemaster" "Well challengemaster, STFU! im gonna get a hot orgy here, right ladies?"
The countess smirked." Sorry, but thats not how i roll" orestes was shocked. "you mean..."
"yes orestes, im all about the chicks"
Sherifu laughed his ass off. Minidazzler sobbed. Orestes whimpered "i...i...can still watch right?"
The countess laughed " No, youre just food"
Orestes facepalmed.

In the graveyard:
Looby and Blue ran clockwise around the cyclops, shooting it with bolts and bullets. Lollys whip was being aimed at the beast, but its hide was proving too strong. Takola went straight for the neck with her axes.
"Aim for the legs!!!" she yelled to her nocturnal sisters. The constant attacks weakened it, Lolly tied her whip to it legs, the cyclops collapsing, making the earth shake violently. Tak walked over, kicking it straight in the stones, then decapitaing it. "IM IN A FREAKIN BAD HUMOR!" she roared. Blue meekly patted her on the shoulder "Lets just go to the castle and get out of here"

At the castle:
Minidazzler was dragged away by two of the hot handmaidens. Orestes sulked. "Goddam it. Fine goth chicks and theyre all lesbians. not even bi. what are the chances" Sherifu laughed "maybe they just used that excuse for you" Minidazzlers screams and moans filled the castle. "wtf are they doing to him CM" "The cut you, and drain yore blood into a bath, then leave you back here so you can regain yore strength an do it again" Orestes glared." thats not sexy. that doesnt even give me a semi! we need to gtfo!"
Psssssst!
Orestes looked up. Standin in the window, climbing up Lollys whip were the four ladies. "OMFG im so happy to see you!" he yelled. Tak unlocked the cage. "There there its ok now" she kicks orestes repeatedly "Thats for making me come all this way for you, you freaking knob!!!!!" Orestes rolled around in pain, sherifu laughing. "Wheres minidazzler?"Looby asked.
"Here!" The countess threw sleeping minidazzler at the feet of the nocturnals. "Oh noes!" scream challengemaster. "Too many of you, too much trouble" she grinned, pulling a leaver. The floor opened up as everyone but Tak was dropped outside in ahuge pit. "wtf" sherifu said rubbing his neck.GROOOWWWWWWWLLL. Three Hellhounds sprang into the pit,with many drooling heads, and huge muscly bodies.

Up in the castle Takola and The countess fought. Takola was doing well but the countess was quick, and got the upper hand quickly, biting her. "you fought well, you'll be better off as one of my handmaidens" the countess laughed, giving Tak her own blood to become a vampire. Tak began drinking.

Nerin

In the pit the nocturnals looked doomed, the hellhounds growled and barked moving in for the kill. Suddenly NoxCat flew into the middle of the pit. Looby cheered. "Where the hell where you" Blue yelled. NoxCat burped and the cyclops skull popped out of his mouth. Challengemaster screamed. "WTF how is it possible that skull came out of that tiny cats mouth?!" Sherifu LOL'd. "You think thats crazy, watch this sh1t! Get em kitteh!" NoxCat began to transform into EPIC BATTLEMODE! The 3 hell hounds growled, one pouncing for the cat, but he tail whipped it into the sky. The other two cowered as Noxcat grinned, releasing an awesome energy wave from his mouth, frying them.
SHerifu cheered "His power level, ITS OVER 9000!!!!!"

Takolas eyes turned red as the vampire transformation took her. The countess smiled. "Looks like my hellhounds failed. You and the other maids go down there and sort them out" she turned just in time to she Taks axe fly across the room before she was decapitated. "I dont take orders" Takola said, grinning at her sly deception and getting vampire powers to boot.
She floated down to the nocturnals, who were all getting on Noxcats back to fly to Draculas place. As they flew away, Minidazzler woke up. Orestes patted his shoulder,"its ok buddy, the countess is dead, she cant drain yore blood any more." Dazzler looked around. "uhm, no, she never came into the room,turns out two of her handmaidens were Bi! I got laid!!!" Orestes yelled into the night.

Back at Draculas:
Noxcat dropped them all onto the balcony and changed back to his ickle cute winged cat form, bounding into the banquet hall looking for Nerin. he meowed sadly. Looby looked around as the others entered behind her. Scorchmarks were everywhere,tables and chairs thrown around and the castle was completely empty. Lolly gasped "where are they?!"

DUNNN DUNNN DUNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!111!!1!

Narrator: "Who was the figure in the portal? What happened in the castle? Are the other Nocturnals still alive? Will Orestes ever get his Vampire Orgy? Will Minidazzler keep bragging about his 3way to Orestes for the Lulz? Will Noxcat be reunited with Nerin? Tune in next time, same nocturnal channel,same time...welll... ummmmm whenever Nerin writes and posts moar.

Nerin

Castle Dracula:
"where....where is everyone?" Mizzlolly whispered. Blue searched outside, while Looby and Takola checked the castle.
They found nothing. Noxcat mewed softly in the corner,lapping up an over turned pint of JD.

Castle Dracula , 1 hour ago:

“Nocturnals, I come from a bleak future” a voice said as the smoke cleared.
Nerin and Sdoom inched forward weapons at the ready. “Rigger??? Is…is that you?!”
“Indeed it is! you must come with me if you want to fix the mess you’ve made!”
Igloo and Chatbox stared at each other. “Wait, we made a mess?”
Monkeyfudge blushed. “Um sorry guys” he said as he put out a small fire coming from his jacket.
Rigger face palmed. “No you fools! Something much worse than scorched monkeys is at hand!” he pointed to them all “do you not think that this timeline seems a bit…INSANE?!”
Dragan pulled out his digital camera. “ok, Jerusalem, Sparta , Japan with kick ass net… nope, seems good to me” Rigger moaned. “The fact youre in Draculas castle in the 1800s with a digital camera doesn’t give you a hint?”
Chatbox shrugged. “ummm nope?” “Arggh the timeline is more damaged than ever! Weeks ago, feudal japan, internet???? Do you not get it??”
Nerin and Doom looked at he each other, stroking their chins. “OHHHHHHH! No, we still don’t get it”

Rigger took out a diagram. “You see, you are all currently on noughties time….”
Aishling giggled. “hehehe naughties”
“NOUGHTIES!!!! Ahem. The timeline is all messed up, I deduce that due to a reversal in the suns gravitational pull coupled with an asteroids impact with earth at a point of pure dilytium crystals caused a time/reality implosion through a black hole phenomenon, thus making this timeline a mish mash, and you not remember who ye really are* Rigger started panting, taking a sip of beer.
Square Igloo put up his hand “umm wait, who are we?”
Rigger stepped forward, leaning on the table. “you guys…yore from… The Internetz!”
Igloo scratched his head. “um yeah, but like, we have the internet here. Well, crap dial up, but japan has broadband”
Rigger smacked the table. “do you not see how weird it is that Doom and Nerin can Moderate real life?!”
Everyone shook their heads. “You are the internetz incarnate, and that Japanese internet is the internets of the internet. “ Chatboxs head exploded, and started growing back. “urgh ok, just, roll with it, its too complicated to explain. We all need to go back to my future and fix it, theres someone their using this mess for their own gain” The nocturnals all looked at each other and shrugged. Rigger sighed. “fine, if you do this, I promise there will be a big orgy of epic proportions and food and drinks the likes of which you’ve never seen” The nocturnals all jumped up and ran towards the portal

Nerin

.

In the Future:
They all stood outside a huge fortress. Rigger stood in front. “This is the enemies main stronghold, their leaders sit in that tower now, plotting and planning. I propose we strike now, stealthy and swift , thus scaring them, and letting them know they will no longer go about their evilness with no one to fight them”
Nerin and Doom were already opening the doors using their mod powers. “Man, future Rigger is lame”

After a gruelling trek up loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads of stairs, they finally reached the topmost room, undetected to boot. They gasped at what they saw.

“OMG! LOOK AT THE EVIL COUNCIL!”
Pope Benedict! “Rarrrr when you interfered with Jesus in the holy land, no one really thought he was so great when all of ye had resurrection powers too! Thus our religion never grew huge and powerful and then waned and wasn’t so serious. Because of you I entered in a pact with the Emperor and our powers grew! Using our confusing techniques and Vatican Ninjas, we now have enough power for revenge!”

Cyborg Chris Hansen! “With my mad skills at making people take seats, there was no way the politicians and world leaders woulnt all sit in the same place at the same time, so we could annihilate them!”

Cyborg Will Smith! “With my infectious non alienating rap music, I slowly helped the Pope confuse and enslave the minds of the world!”

The Emperor aka Tom Cruise?!!! “Ha ha, so we finally meet! After the Internet wouldn’t leave me alone and stop making fun of me I slowly grew mad…er.. And tried in vain to destroy or control it. When I saw it could not be done, I knew id have to use internet people to do it, but how? I was the one that funded the scientists that made the worlds first black hole, at the exact time of the suns reversal and the astroid and the crystal thingies!

Sdoom stood forward “But, but how did you become so powerful?!”
Tom laughed “muhahahaha because of HIM!” he pointed at Nerin.

“no….NO! I’d never help you!”

“Muhahahaha but you did, when you were pulled into the time/reality abyss, you left your laptop logged onto firefox, and YOU CLICKED REMEMBER PASSWORD!”

“Noooooo what have I done!” Nerin fell to the ground sobbing.

Cruise laughed again “Muhahahahahaha cough cough ew a bug. Cough. Ahem. And because of you, I now have moderator powers and understand how they work! And because of you, all youre precious lolcats, even that annoying NoxCat, are dead!”

“NO!” The nocturnals gasped, suddenly surrounded by troll guards.

Nerin pulled out his bansword. “Well then I have nothing to lose!”

Crusie giggled like a creepy schoolgirl “not so fast with that bansword, you two may be mods, but, you arent smods! Come my slave, protect me!”

A hulking figure clad in dark armour stepped forth, wielding a flaming great sword.
Everyone gasped seeing the twin tails sticking out at the end. “RUU?!”

Crusie danced around cackling “NO, he is not Ruu, he is Dark Ruu! Muhahahahahahah!!!!”

To be continued…..

Galvasean

Wait, theyre trying to convince me the original writers of teh Bible werent depriveds of sleep?