Witty things you've said or heard

workaccount

Well? What have you heard recently...apart from YOUR MA.

Somebody I know was writing and his handwriting came out scribbly enough. Sarcastically he said that's my Sunday handwriting!

JerryHandbag

Someone once said to me "The wind is so strong, 'twould blow a tinker off his missus!"

Pighead

If somebody askes Pighead what time it is Pighead will immediately reply "Time you got a new watch".

And if they tell Pighead they'll see him later, Pighead will swiftly reply "Not if Pighead sees you first"

You can use them if you like.:cool:

Miguel_Sanchez

After a big session in Galway during the Film Fleadh a few years ago me and two friends were sitting down to a fry the next morning. Myself and one of the lads were attempting some American sports trash talk about finishing the fry first, just messing about. My other friend just looks up at us and says "Well I guess I'll just let my mouth do the talking" and starts to wolf down his breakfast.

As for me - I say funny things all the time but nobody's ever around to hear them.

Steve_o

There was a friend of mine got all excited over somethin one day and another mate said, "Jaysus, he's like a dog with 2 pr*cks"

I laughed alot!!:D

Sherifu

Was in a car around Offaly somewhere, we hit a bird. I can see a crow or similar bird bounce of the windshield. Person in the passanger seat, without missing a beat, "You got that one".

workaccount

Some scans over west.....on the beer heading to another pub....it starts raining.

One of the scans goes.....Jeeeesus that's wet rain.

faceman

Some of my favourites:

"I wouldnt ride her into battle"
"saddle up"

I also liked this one, taken from Laurel and Hardy. cant remember it word for word.

Hardy passes letter to Laurel to read.

hardy: Well?
Laurel: Well what?
Hardy: What do you think?
Laurel Shrugs
Hardy: welll havent you read it?
Laurel: I read it but i wasnt listening

The old ones are the best!

I remember hearing some skanger saying "its so dark in here i cant even see nothing"

Steve_o

faceman wrote: »

I remember hearing some skanger saying "its so dark in here i cant even see nothing"

Skangers have a great grasp of the english language, no doubts!!:D

Rob_l

workaccount wrote: »

Some scans over west.....on the beer heading to another pub....it starts raining.

One of the scans goes.....Jeeeesus that's wet rain.

Whats a scans?

actually no I dont care just take it to the relevant culchie forum

TequilaMockingBird

faceman wrote: »

I remember hearing some skanger saying "its so dark in here i cant even see nothing"

I see. And what were you doing with this skanger at the time?

Are you the man? Are you the man that has come to save us?!
Are you... the ANTI-SKANGER!


*The Omen Music*

Matt Santos

After a rare all nighter in the local pub heard a super comment.
It was about half seven or eight in the morning and we had virtually drank ourselves sober after a local GAA win.
Noddy Byrnes is stumbling out the back door with two of us in tow when he utters the unforgettable...........

"Some stretch in the evenings lads!"

Classic!!:D

scruff321

in the pub my mate turns round to me and says theres a womens rugby team over there

to which i reply you should go for the hooker :pac:

gabgab

Girl: Your intimidated by me because you fancy me....... (smug grin/smirk)

Fella: Are ya messing, I would'nt fcuk you for practice.....( slugs out of his pint and settles back into drunken chuckle to himself)

faceman

sueme wrote: »

I see. And what were you doing with this skanger at the time?

Are you the man? Are you the man that has come to save us?!
Are you... the ANTI-SKANGER!


*The Omen Music*

I can turn water into Dutch Gold and part the Tallaght bypass with me 2 fingers...

RealEstateKing

Standing outside a bank with a friend of mine and he was dancing from toe to toe whining that he was bursting for a dump.

I told him "Just go up to the counter and tell 'em you'd like to make a deposit."

Wittiest moment of my life that.

sgarvan

"if he was any cooler he would be ****ting ice cubes!"

"if he was any harder, he would crack"

Just two that a mate of mine came out with about a lad from the area

taidghbaby

not exactly witty but after finishin off a bottle of coors i turned to my friends and said:

'coors light, goes down easy.......all night'

faceman

faceman wrote: »

Some of my favourites:

"I wouldnt ride her into battle"
"saddle up"

Been done

Thephantomsmask

taidghbaby wrote: »

not exactly witty but after finishin off a bottle of coors i turned to my friends and said:

'coors light, goes down easy.......all night'

Goes down easy...

Comes up smooth

TequilaMockingBird

faceman wrote: »

I can turn water into Dutch Gold and part the Tallaght bypass with me 2 fingers...

You fail so.


My quest for the Anti-Skanger goes on....

Thanks anyway.

roughan

a Mate of mine left the niteclub early with some girl
i asked him how he got on with her
the reply was ( and i will prob be banned)

" i left her face like a painters radio"

i fell around the place laughing !!!!

workaccount

Steve_o wrote: »

Skangers have a great grasp of the english language, no doubts!!:D

Matt Santos wrote: »

After a rare all nighter in the local pub heard a super comment.
It was about half seven or eight in the morning and we had virtually drank ourselves sober after a local GAA win.
Noddy Byrnes is stumbling out the back door with two of us in tow when he utters the unforgettable...........

"Some stretch in the evenings lads!"

Classic!!:D

RealEstateKing wrote: »

Standing outside a bank with a friend of mine and he was dancing from toe to toe whining that he was bursting for a dump.

I told him "Just go up to the counter and tell 'em you'd like to make a deposit."

Wittiest moment of my life that.

Both brilliant. These are the moments we never forget and always look back on and remember.

I can't remember the name of the comedian but an ambulance was driving outside the window while they were get ready to go to bad. He strolls over to the window...looks out....and says "bit late for the ice-cream man isn't it"

Lazare

I went up to a mates house one morning to get a lift to work off him, I remember being in really horrible grumpy humour for some reason. While waiting downstairs for him, his father was eating his breakfast, it was a big bowl of steaming sloppy porridge.
I got on really well with his Dad, so well in fact that I was comfortable being grumpy with him, so I took one look at his breakfast and said.. 'That looks like a steaming lump of sh1te', he didn't even look up, and quick as a flash says.....

'ah, sure it will be soon enough'

fullstop

"I wouldn't have sex with you if I had a terminal illness and you were the cure"

RxQueen

RealEstateKing wrote: »

Standing outside a bank with a friend of mine and he was dancing from toe to toe whining that he was bursting for a dump.

I told him "Just go up to the counter and tell 'em you'd like to make a deposit."

Wittiest moment of my life that.

Class!!:pac::D

Dun laoire

My boss was a real class act. Nothing was an issue. We were getting this big racking shelves put in place for storing rolls of carpet. The lads were having a problem getting the old ones down. After standing around working out how they are gonna take them apart out comes yer man, (not a word did he say) jumps onto the fork lift buries the forks under these orange coloured metal beams and lifts them out causing mayhem and destruction. Two minutes and the old racking system was now a pile of nothing on the ground. Not an ounce of taught, just fast and effective, job done. He gets off the fork and says "Don't let a little orange lollipop get in the way"

The funniest part was he went back into the office and continued with his phone call.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Pic of (I think) Clarie Mckeown on bkac fo 44 bus in front of us.

Bloke in front of me to mate:
"Jeaysy, that McKeown one has a face like the back of a bus!"

eire_insane

I was sitting in a pub having a few drinks when the BBC news came on. Main headlines were that prince Charles girlfriend at the time had broken up with him. The whole bar starts to complain about how no body cares. I turn around to my friends and said "she must have found out he was English". It got a few laughs


Was working in Dunes a few years ago and I was on the tills at the time and a lady came up to me asked me "are you checking me out?, i said "i dont know are you checking me out?"


Witter line was when my friend was at work and he was sanding down some doors and his boss asked him "how are the doors" and he replied "Well Jim Morrison is dead ,dont know how the rest of them are getting on. boss ask "What?" "there nearly finished now". fast stuff

Pyr0

*Santas little helper runs after Mr Bush*
Homer : I guess you could say he's barking up the wrong bush !
*In his head* : There it is Homer, the smartest thing you've ever said and no one was around to hear it.
Homer : Doh !

I have moments like that a lot !

Mr.McMoobs

After having several beers seen guy and girl in the corner, turn to friends beside me and go
"Is he applying for Chinese citizenship over there eating all that dog".
Had a good laugh at that one.

briantwin

When i was in school, went on the hop and as we walked back our principal caught me and a friend walkin onto the school grounds. I stopped and walked over when he screamed at us, my mate just walked on with his head down. Anyway eventually we're standing in his office with our year head and he starts goin "and you ya little pup, walked right by me like i was some sort of yard brush or something.....what am i huh, am i yard brush or a gob shíte or something??" My friend " well ya dont look like a yard brush!" It was hilarious.

The year head was wincing trying not to laugh out loud!

Bug!!!

when i was cumin out of croke park ater de all ireland i heard a farmer man on a phone he as looking for sum 1. he start telling him to look into the sky and look for the heleicopter and that he was standing under neath it. i thought myself so are 80,000 others!!!!

LouOB

Yore ma




-havent see it yet

truecrippler

Someone says something to me uninteresting and being the nice guy I am, I say.

"Talk to the face, the hand can't be bothered to be raised".

arybvtcw0eolkf

Oh I've loads.

But one which springs to mind was from me bouncer days..

Working in Fitzsimons (Templbar) with a mate, his name was also Martin.

When a chic would ask for our names my mate would say "Martin & Martin" ... "Yea" I'd say ... "But you can call us 'M & M ... Because we cum in your mouth and not in your hands"...

Stupid I know, but at the time we thought it was hilarious.

mossyj

One that im sure is used by many but here goes- it alawys makes me laugh

Out with a few mates and we always catch someone with it.....

Person 1 - " hey man, nice shirt where did ya get it!"

Person 2 - " Yea h thanks, i got it..... "

then person 3 interupts with " DO THEY MAKE EM FOR MEN???"

hehe

u kinda have to be there though!

workaccount

Fella from back home once went up to a chinese guy and goes "What time do ye close at?"

Frisbee

She's a face that could make an onion cry

She's a face that could stop a clock

fitz0

workaccount wrote: »

Fella from back home once went up to a chinese guy and goes "What time do ye close at?"

Thats not funny, just a bit racist.

Sparky

A stopped clock tells the right time twice a day!

workaccount

Spankeh wrote: »

A stopped clock tells the right time twice a day!

Nicked off orbitals album?

javaboy

workaccount wrote: »

Nicked off orbitals album?

That saying was around way before the Orbitals album.

cornbb

Was chatting to a fella in the pub a few weekends ago. He told me he was approached by a chugger. The chugger said "Excuse me! Can I have a quick word?" and the guy replied "velocity!" and walked off

Hrududu

Nicked off orbitals album?

Nicked off Withnail and I.

Creamy Goodness

i'm going to have to knick that one as i'm starting college again soon.

blue-army

Frisbee wrote: »

She's a face that could make an onion cry

:D:D

I heard this one before...

"She could eat a carrot through a letterbox"

workaccount

fitz0 wrote: »

Thats not funny, just a bit racist.

Ahhhh political correctness

It's only having a laugh and would not really have been meant in a bad way.

I suppose it wasn't very funny for the chinese guy but someone often has to lose out for a joke to be funny.

arybvtcw0eolkf

workaccount wrote: »

Ahhhh political correctness

It's only having a laugh and would not really have been meant in a bad way.

I suppose it wasn't very funny for the chinese guy but someone often has to lose out for a joke to be funny.

Don't mind 'em..

I was in Israel with a mate once, he thought it was hilarious to ask people "What time is the bus due?" (but pronouncing 'Due' as Jew').

razorblunt

Used to have a place in work to put all th FDG *Faulty Damaged Goods, so one of the lads left a jumper there that was missing a sleeve or something I cant remember. Anyway he comes back, "Come here, where's the jumper I left here?"

Me: "I put it out with the rest of the Harry Kewells!"

First day of my first ever job was working in a sports shop, nervous enough as it was the opening day of the place as well, about an hour into the opening the fire alarm bell goes off, the place is full everyone stops and stares, I came walking out of the stockroom across the floor declaring, "Right that my lunch ready, hold all calls" and headed straight to the staff room. Went down well apparently in front of owners and all! Probably wouldnt have done it if I had known everyone was standing around waiting for something to happen. Oh and there was no fire.

andrew

Witter line was when my friend was at work and he was sanding down some doors and his boss asked him "how are the doors" and he replied "Well Jim Morrison is dead ,dont know how the rest of them are getting on. boss ask "What?" "they're nearly finished now". fast stuff

I lol'd. Excellent.