Witty things you've said or heard

briantwin · 12-06-2008 04:01PM

When i was in school, went on the hop and as we walked back our principal caught me and a friend walkin onto the school grounds. I stopped and walked over when he screamed at us, my mate just walked on with his head down. Anyway eventually we're standing in his office with our year head and he starts goin "and you ya little pup, walked right by me like i was some sort of yard brush or something.....what am i huh, am i yard brush or a gob shíte or something??" My friend " well ya dont look like a yard brush!" It was hilarious.

The year head was wincing trying not to laugh out loud!

Bug!!! · 05-08-2008 04:01PM

when i was cumin out of croke park ater de all ireland i heard a farmer man on a phone he as looking for sum 1. he start telling him to look into the sky and look for the heleicopter and that he was standing under neath it. i thought myself so are 80,000 others!!!!

LouOB · 05-08-2008 04:01PM

Yore ma

-havent see it yet

truecrippler · 05-08-2008 04:06PM

Someone says something to me uninteresting and being the nice guy I am, I say.

"Talk to the face, the hand can't be bothered to be raised".

arybvtcw0eolkf · 05-08-2008 04:15PM

Oh I've loads.

But one which springs to mind was from me bouncer days..

Working in Fitzsimons (Templbar) with a mate, his name was also Martin.

When a chic would ask for our names my mate would say "Martin & Martin" ... "Yea" I'd say ... "But you can call us 'M & M ... Because we cum in your mouth and not in your hands"...

Stupid I know, but at the time we thought it was hilarious.

mossyj · 05-08-2008 04:33PM

One that im sure is used by many but here goes- it alawys makes me laugh

Out with a few mates and we always catch someone with it.....

Person 1 - " hey man, nice shirt where did ya get it!"

Person 2 - " Yea h thanks, i got it..... "

then person 3 interupts with " DO THEY MAKE EM FOR MEN???"

hehe

u kinda have to be there though!

workaccount · 05-08-2008 04:36PM

Fella from back home once went up to a chinese guy and goes "What time do ye close at?"

Frisbee · 05-08-2008 05:00PM

She's a face that could make an onion cry

She's a face that could stop a clock

fitz0 · 05-08-2008 05:00PM

workaccount wrote: »

Fella from back home once went up to a chinese guy and goes "What time do ye close at?"

Thats not funny, just a bit racist.

Sparky · 05-08-2008 05:03PM

A stopped clock tells the right time twice a day!

workaccount · 05-08-2008 05:05PM

Spankeh wrote: »

A stopped clock tells the right time twice a day!

Nicked off orbitals album?

javaboy · 05-08-2008 05:13PM

workaccount wrote: »

Nicked off orbitals album?

That saying was around way before the Orbitals album.

cornbb · 05-08-2008 05:15PM

Was chatting to a fella in the pub a few weekends ago. He told me he was approached by a chugger. The chugger said "Excuse me! Can I have a quick word?" and the guy replied "velocity!" and walked off

Hrududu · 05-08-2008 05:17PM

Nicked off orbitals album?

Nicked off Withnail and I.

Creamy Goodness · 05-08-2008 05:17PM

i'm going to have to knick that one as i'm starting college again soon.

blue-army · 05-08-2008 05:19PM

Frisbee wrote: »

She's a face that could make an onion cry

:D:D

I heard this one before...

"She could eat a carrot through a letterbox"

workaccount · 05-08-2008 05:20PM

fitz0 wrote: »

Thats not funny, just a bit racist.

Ahhhh political correctness

It's only having a laugh and would not really have been meant in a bad way.

I suppose it wasn't very funny for the chinese guy but someone often has to lose out for a joke to be funny.

arybvtcw0eolkf · 05-08-2008 05:50PM

workaccount wrote: »

Ahhhh political correctness

It's only having a laugh and would not really have been meant in a bad way.

I suppose it wasn't very funny for the chinese guy but someone often has to lose out for a joke to be funny.

Don't mind 'em..

I was in Israel with a mate once, he thought it was hilarious to ask people "What time is the bus due?" (but pronouncing 'Due' as Jew').

razorblunt · 05-08-2008 05:58PM

Used to have a place in work to put all th FDG *Faulty Damaged Goods, so one of the lads left a jumper there that was missing a sleeve or something I cant remember. Anyway he comes back, "Come here, where's the jumper I left here?"

Me: "I put it out with the rest of the Harry Kewells!"

First day of my first ever job was working in a sports shop, nervous enough as it was the opening day of the place as well, about an hour into the opening the fire alarm bell goes off, the place is full everyone stops and stares, I came walking out of the stockroom across the floor declaring, "Right that my lunch ready, hold all calls" and headed straight to the staff room. Went down well apparently in front of owners and all! Probably wouldnt have done it if I had known everyone was standing around waiting for something to happen. Oh and there was no fire.

andrew · 05-08-2008 06:48PM

Witter line was when my friend was at work and he was sanding down some doors and his boss asked him "how are the doors" and he replied "Well Jim Morrison is dead ,dont know how the rest of them are getting on. boss ask "What?" "they're nearly finished now". fast stuff

I lol'd. Excellent.

Peyton Manning · 05-08-2008 06:58PM

My friend is great at these.

We were at a music festival recently, in the campsite chillin in a big circle, maybe 7 or 8 of us. 2 girls walk past, one of them was wearing hot pants. My friend turns and says to her: "Hey nice legs..........Ive never said that to a man before."

Peyton Manning · 05-08-2008 07:03PM

Actually, football manager Gordon Strachan was great at these in post match interviews. Heres a few of his best bits:

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump of a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there...

Also, theres a famous video on youtube of manager Harry Redknapp being interviewed while his team are training behind him. Out of nowhere, a ball hits him in the side of the head. He shouts over at the guy asking him "What the f*ck you doing?" and the guy shouts back that he didnt mean it, he wasnt aiming at him. Redknapp just turns back to the interviewer and says "No wonder he's in the f*cking reserves..."

Heres the video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRZTna7tRHk

Captain Darling · 05-08-2008 07:07PM

Heard a good one about the weather:

(said in best bogman accent):

Bogman 1: 'Jaysus, the weather is fierce close.'

Bogman 2: 'Its so close, you'd want to stand back........'

abitlonely · 05-08-2008 08:55PM

I wouldn't get up on her to paint the ceiling!

Particularly effective on building sites:
'You wouldn't drive your finger up your h*le'

I nearly fell over when an irate elderly gentleman I worked with
looked down the hose of a hoover and declared that 'it wouldn't suck t*ts'

blaze1 · 06-08-2008 02:08PM

on a drunken rowdy night out getin verbals

shouted across the street yore ma sideways

needless to say... didn't go down to well,

LCDeelite · 06-08-2008 02:45PM

When someone told my dad that a fella he knew had died, my dad replied (in all seriousness): "Yerra, it was time that c*nt was called ashore anyway"!

I really laughed at that.

Anarking · 06-08-2008 02:50PM

Standing for a taxi, couple of scumbags standing near me when a group of affricans walk by.

Scumbag 1: Its Daark out tonight
Scumbag 2: Aye, dont know wether to get a taxi or develop some film

LCDeelite · 06-08-2008 03:04PM

I also found the following anecdote hilarious, taken from Boy George's autobiography..

Boy George and his cross-dressing friend Marilyn were in this department store looking around in the cosmetics section (this was before they were famous). The cosmetics counters were manned by all of these snooty, haughty women, zealously labouring under the society-moulding 'importance' of their jobs..!

When George and Marilyn sidled up to the Avon counter and quickly picked up a bar of soap, they drew the attention of the Avon b1tch- a middle-aged auld bag plastered in pantomine-like make-up..

Avon B1tch, patronisingly: "May I help you?"

Marilyn: "Yeah, how much is this soap?"

Avon B1tch: "Oh, it's very expensive." (assuming they were too hard-up to afford it)

Marilyn: "Do you use it?"

Avon B1tch: "Why, yes, I use all Avon products."

Marilyn (going for the verbal kill!): "Well, it hasn't done much for you, has it? Aren't you supposed to retire at 65?"!!!!

:pac:

deise_boi · 06-08-2008 03:11PM

Weatherman on WLR (waterford radio station) had me in the knots with his comment on the radio a few weeks ago.

He sounded so fed up with the terrible weather and basically cut the broadcast short by sayin "The weathers absolutly cat today.... and sure tis gonna be cat tomorrow boy"

Simple humour

LCDeelite · 06-08-2008 03:14PM

Oh, I just thought of another one!

One day, myself and my friend were walking down Grand Parade in Cork City when we were troubled by the looming grievance of an annoying charity collector. In fairness, some of them can be very aggressive..

Anyway, as we neared him (the collector) and he was like Mother Teresa on coke doing The Haka in front of us, my friend roared:

"WHAT DA **** DO I LOOK LIKE??! BANK OF ****IN' IRELAND?!!!!"

Witty things you've said or heard

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