Witty things you've said or heard

workaccount · 12-06-2008 10:56AM #1

Well? What have you heard recently...apart from YOUR MA.

Somebody I know was writing and his handwriting came out scribbly enough. Sarcastically he said that's my Sunday handwriting!

JerryHandbag · 12-06-2008 10:59AM

Someone once said to me "The wind is so strong, 'twould blow a tinker off his missus!"

Pighead · 12-06-2008 11:01AM

If somebody askes Pighead what time it is Pighead will immediately reply "Time you got a new watch".

And if they tell Pighead they'll see him later, Pighead will swiftly reply "Not if Pighead sees you first"

You can use them if you like.:cool:

Miguel_Sanchez · 12-06-2008 11:02AM

After a big session in Galway during the Film Fleadh a few years ago me and two friends were sitting down to a fry the next morning. Myself and one of the lads were attempting some American sports trash talk about finishing the fry first, just messing about. My other friend just looks up at us and says "Well I guess I'll just let my mouth do the talking" and starts to wolf down his breakfast.

As for me - I say funny things all the time but nobody's ever around to hear them.

Steve_o · 12-06-2008 11:02AM

There was a friend of mine got all excited over somethin one day and another mate said, "Jaysus, he's like a dog with 2 pr*cks"

I laughed alot!!:D

Sherifu · 12-06-2008 11:03AM

Was in a car around Offaly somewhere, we hit a bird. I can see a crow or similar bird bounce of the windshield. Person in the passanger seat, without missing a beat, "You got that one".

workaccount · 12-06-2008 11:18AM

Some scans over west.....on the beer heading to another pub....it starts raining.

One of the scans goes.....Jeeeesus that's wet rain.

faceman · 12-06-2008 01:28PM

Some of my favourites:

"I wouldnt ride her into battle"
"saddle up"

I also liked this one, taken from Laurel and Hardy. cant remember it word for word.

Hardy passes letter to Laurel to read.

hardy: Well?
Laurel: Well what?
Hardy: What do you think?
Laurel Shrugs
Hardy: welll havent you read it?
Laurel: I read it but i wasnt listening

The old ones are the best!

I remember hearing some skanger saying "its so dark in here i cant even see nothing"

Steve_o · 12-06-2008 01:30PM

faceman wrote: »

I remember hearing some skanger saying "its so dark in here i cant even see nothing"

Skangers have a great grasp of the english language, no doubts!!:D

Rob_l · 12-06-2008 01:30PM

workaccount wrote: »

Some scans over west.....on the beer heading to another pub....it starts raining.

One of the scans goes.....Jeeeesus that's wet rain.

Whats a scans?

actually no I dont care just take it to the relevant culchie forum

TequilaMockingBird · 12-06-2008 01:35PM

faceman wrote: »

I remember hearing some skanger saying "its so dark in here i cant even see nothing"

I see. And what were you doing with this skanger at the time?

Are you the man? Are you the man that has come to save us?!
Are you... the ANTI-SKANGER!

*The Omen Music*

Matt Santos · 12-06-2008 01:39PM

After a rare all nighter in the local pub heard a super comment.
It was about half seven or eight in the morning and we had virtually drank ourselves sober after a local GAA win.
Noddy Byrnes is stumbling out the back door with two of us in tow when he utters the unforgettable...........

"Some stretch in the evenings lads!"

Classic!!:D

scruff321 · 12-06-2008 01:47PM

in the pub my mate turns round to me and says theres a womens rugby team over there

to which i reply you should go for the hooker :pac:

gabgab · 12-06-2008 01:47PM

Girl: Your intimidated by me because you fancy me....... (smug grin/smirk)

Fella: Are ya messing, I would'nt fcuk you for practice.....( slugs out of his pint and settles back into drunken chuckle to himself)

faceman · 12-06-2008 01:47PM

sueme wrote: »

I see. And what were you doing with this skanger at the time?

Are you the man? Are you the man that has come to save us?!
Are you... the ANTI-SKANGER!

*The Omen Music*

I can turn water into Dutch Gold and part the Tallaght bypass with me 2 fingers...

RealEstateKing · 12-06-2008 01:53PM

Standing outside a bank with a friend of mine and he was dancing from toe to toe whining that he was bursting for a dump.

I told him "Just go up to the counter and tell 'em you'd like to make a deposit."

Wittiest moment of my life that.

sgarvan · 12-06-2008 01:59PM

"if he was any cooler he would be ****ting ice cubes!"

"if he was any harder, he would crack"

Just two that a mate of mine came out with about a lad from the area

taidghbaby · 12-06-2008 02:07PM

not exactly witty but after finishin off a bottle of coors i turned to my friends and said:

'coors light, goes down easy.......all night'

12-06-2008 02:10PM

faceman wrote: »

Some of my favourites:

"I wouldnt ride her into battle"
"saddle up"

Been done

Thephantomsmask · 12-06-2008 02:14PM

taidghbaby wrote: »

not exactly witty but after finishin off a bottle of coors i turned to my friends and said:

'coors light, goes down easy.......all night'

Goes down easy...

Comes up smooth

TequilaMockingBird · 12-06-2008 02:15PM

faceman wrote: »

I can turn water into Dutch Gold and part the Tallaght bypass with me 2 fingers...

You fail so.

My quest for the Anti-Skanger goes on....

Thanks anyway.

roughan · 12-06-2008 02:20PM

a Mate of mine left the niteclub early with some girl
i asked him how he got on with her
the reply was ( and i will prob be banned)

" i left her face like a painters radio"

i fell around the place laughing !!!!

workaccount · 12-06-2008 02:22PM

Steve_o wrote: »

Skangers have a great grasp of the english language, no doubts!!:D

Matt Santos wrote: »

After a rare all nighter in the local pub heard a super comment.
It was about half seven or eight in the morning and we had virtually drank ourselves sober after a local GAA win.
Noddy Byrnes is stumbling out the back door with two of us in tow when he utters the unforgettable...........

"Some stretch in the evenings lads!"

Classic!!:D

RealEstateKing wrote: »

Standing outside a bank with a friend of mine and he was dancing from toe to toe whining that he was bursting for a dump.

I told him "Just go up to the counter and tell 'em you'd like to make a deposit."

Wittiest moment of my life that.

Both brilliant. These are the moments we never forget and always look back on and remember.

I can't remember the name of the comedian but an ambulance was driving outside the window while they were get ready to go to bad. He strolls over to the window...looks out....and says "bit late for the ice-cream man isn't it"

Lazare · 12-06-2008 02:27PM

I went up to a mates house one morning to get a lift to work off him, I remember being in really horrible grumpy humour for some reason. While waiting downstairs for him, his father was eating his breakfast, it was a big bowl of steaming sloppy porridge.
I got on really well with his Dad, so well in fact that I was comfortable being grumpy with him, so I took one look at his breakfast and said.. 'That looks like a steaming lump of sh1te', he didn't even look up, and quick as a flash says.....

'ah, sure it will be soon enough'

fullstop · 12-06-2008 02:28PM

"I wouldn't have sex with you if I had a terminal illness and you were the cure"

RxQueen · 12-06-2008 02:31PM

RealEstateKing wrote: »

Standing outside a bank with a friend of mine and he was dancing from toe to toe whining that he was bursting for a dump.

I told him "Just go up to the counter and tell 'em you'd like to make a deposit."

Wittiest moment of my life that.

Class!!:pac::D

Dun laoire · 12-06-2008 02:42PM

My boss was a real class act. Nothing was an issue. We were getting this big racking shelves put in place for storing rolls of carpet. The lads were having a problem getting the old ones down. After standing around working out how they are gonna take them apart out comes yer man, (not a word did he say) jumps onto the fork lift buries the forks under these orange coloured metal beams and lifts them out causing mayhem and destruction. Two minutes and the old racking system was now a pile of nothing on the ground. Not an ounce of taught, just fast and effective, job done. He gets off the fork and says "Don't let a little orange lollipop get in the way"

The funniest part was he went back into the office and continued with his phone call.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 12-06-2008 02:46PM

Pic of (I think) Clarie Mckeown on bkac fo 44 bus in front of us.

Bloke in front of me to mate:
"Jeaysy, that McKeown one has a face like the back of a bus!"

eire_insane · 12-06-2008 03:41PM

I was sitting in a pub having a few drinks when the BBC news came on. Main headlines were that prince Charles girlfriend at the time had broken up with him. The whole bar starts to complain about how no body cares. I turn around to my friends and said "she must have found out he was English". It got a few laughs

Was working in Dunes a few years ago and I was on the tills at the time and a lady came up to me asked me "are you checking me out?, i said "i dont know are you checking me out?"

Witter line was when my friend was at work and he was sanding down some doors and his boss asked him "how are the doors" and he replied "Well Jim Morrison is dead ,dont know how the rest of them are getting on. boss ask "What?" "there nearly finished now". fast stuff

Pyr0 · 12-06-2008 03:46PM

*Santas little helper runs after Mr Bush*
Homer : I guess you could say he's barking up the wrong bush !
*In his head* : There it is Homer, the smartest thing you've ever said and no one was around to hear it.
Homer : Doh !

I have moments like that a lot !

Mr.McMoobs · 12-06-2008 03:58PM

After having several beers seen guy and girl in the corner, turn to friends beside me and go
"Is he applying for Chinese citizenship over there eating all that dog".
Had a good laugh at that one.

Witty things you've said or heard

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