Never Ending Story

Black Swan

Chapter 1

Randylonghorn looked up in surprise from the pile of papers on his desk. The Rigger swaggered into the office, flexing his muscles and thumping his chest, almost as if he were auditioning to play the lead role in the next "Conan the Barbarian" film. But before he could punch randylonghorn in the nose, challengemaster leaped from behind the office door, yelling "KiYap!" and landed in a karate stance between the two potential antagonists.

Ruu and dolanbaker saw the action, while passing by in the hallway outside randylonghorn's office door. Both rushed in and...

Sherifu

...asked Blue_Lagoon to put on the kettle as they'd just retruned from the shop with pink snacks for everyone. This seemed to defuse the tense situation between randylonghorn and The Rigger who had a laugh over a cup of Barry's gold blend. But before the moment turned gold Ruu spotted someone trying to spam dolanbaker's car. A quick trip to the toilet and the league of bastard's #2 anti-spam bot emerged ready to fight crime in his S-Moded cape.

Ruu and his sexual sidekick randylonghorn burst through the door to fight spam...

Hermy

only to realise it didn't exist in the true sense of the word. In future the only way to deal with the situation is to consider all such instances as wholely undeserving of our undivided attention. Likewise, systems failures caused by other such malfunctions can only be considered a viable threat if sufficient interference is discernable. Furthermore, any infraction which goes unreported shall have the same affect as to make the matter redundant.

KnifeWRENCH

...........And it came to pass in the fortieth year, in the eleventh month, on the first day of the month, that Moses spake unto the children of Israel, according unto all that the LORD had given him in commandment unto them; After he had slain Sihon the king of the Amorites, which dwelt in Heshbon, and Og the king of Bashan, which dwelt at Astaroth in Edrei:
On this side Jordan, in the land of Moab, began Moses to declare this law, saying, The LORD our God spake unto us in Horeb, saying, Ye have dwelt long enough in this mount:
Turn you, and take your journey, and go to the mount of the Amorites, and unto all the places nigh thereunto, in the plain, in the hills, and in the vale, and in the south, and by the sea side, to the land of the Canaanites, and unto Lebanon, unto the great river, the river Euphrates.
Behold, I have set the land before you: go in and possess the land which the LORD sware unto your fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give unto them and to their seed after them.

Hermy

And it came to pass that Saint Victor was taken from this place to another place, where he was lain to rest himself amongst sheets of muslin and velvet. And there stroked was he by maidens of the Orient. For sixteen days and nights stroked they him, yea verily and caressed him. His hair, ruffled they. And their fingers rubbethed they in oil of olives, and ranneth them across all parts of his body for as much as to soothe him. And the soles of his feet licked they. And the upper parts of his thigh did they anoint with the balm of forbidden trees. And with the teeth of their mouths, nibbled they the pointed bits at the top of his ears. Yea verily, and did their tongues thereof make themselves acquainted with his most secret places. For fifteen days and nights did Victor withstand these maidens, until he cried out, saying "This...is fantastic! Oh...this is terrific!" And the Lord did here the cry of Victor. And verily came He down and slew the maidens. And caused their cotton wool bugs to blow away, and their Kleenex to be laid waste utterly. And Victor, in his anguish, cried out that the Lord was a rotten bastard. So the Lord sent an angel to comfort Victor for the weekend. And entered they together the jacuzzi. Here endeth the lesson.

randylonghorn

"Who the fvck turned on that holy shoite?" roared Rigger, backhanding the radio through the open window.

Gavin Shels blushed. "They said there was going to be an hour of religious programming, I thought they were talking about soccer! I wanted to hear the League of Ireland results."

"The what?!" chorused everyone. There followed a stunned and confused silence.

Eventually, just as the tension was at boiling point, B!ue, kerash and chloe walked in. With his usual courtesy, Ruu hastened to stand to make room for the ladies. Unfortunately, so swiftly did he move that he stepped back on Irish Wolf's tail, and got bitten on the calf for his pains.

"I'd have that seen to," suggested db. "Someone was telling me he had rabies."

"Everyone's had Rabies!" chorused the rest of the group.

"Anyone seen Challengepusseh?" said B!ue. "He promised me a workout." She absent-mindedly stroked her sword. "Now would be a good time, I have 60 seconds to spare."

At that moment, a squelching sound could be heard coming down the corridor. Glancing out the door, and seeing something that resembled a red light in a wetsuit approaching, B!ue smiled.

"Ah, just in time ..."

kerash

But, before the suprise guest could be unveiled, Randylonghorn exclaimed "I have an announcement". Getting the attention of all in the room he proceed to explain "I Randylonghorn, have hidden depths" on hearin this all present sniggered. "A little silence for the man" pleaded the Rigger, Randylonghorn had written a song!!! Why let us hear it so, said Rabies

and it went like this...

Well I'm sitting on a windowsill, blowing my horn
Nobody's up except nerin and me,
And a lazy old Rigger on a midnight spree
All that you left me was challengemaster.
Rabies, why do you evade? Rabies,
how can I persuade? Rabies...

And the Ruu's all up, full and big,
apricot tips in an indigo sky,
And I've been loving you, Rabies,
since the day I was born
And I'll love you, Rabies 'til the day I die.
Rabies, why do you evade? Rabies,
how can I persuade? Rabies...

Rabies, why do you evade? Rabies,
how can I persuade? Rabies...

And I'm sitting on a windowsill, blowing my horn
Nobody's up except B!ue and me,
And a lazy dolanbaker on a midnight spree
All that you left me was eolch.
Rabies, why do you evade?
Rabies, how can I persuade? Rabies...

Rabies was quite embarrassed but only because Randylonghorn had ripped off a Tom Waits classic:o

Hermy

And then the music stopped because the men in grey suits said it should. It's not that they knew any better but it just sounded better when they said so. In the meantime Bob was struggling to come to terms with the various failings of his flock. They were abusing their Slack and owing to the lack of available Frop we had to rely on Stang to put it all back together. He was more than capable until Copybob reared his ugly head, thus spoiling the moment for the rest of us! Now we await the eleven legged Jesus and the guidance of the Pope of New York and they only rear their ugly heads at X-day.

kerash

All this of course was the nonsencical ramblings of Hermy, who liked to taunt others on the powers of the above mentioned "Bob"... Bob in essence was a figment of Gavin shels imagination, who transponded into Hermys consciousness through an unfortunate event at an eircom league match featuring Longford Town and Shelbourne. Town of course hammered shels 17-0, but this is by-the-by. The incident I speak of involves a series of strange concidences akin to an episode of the twilight zone, involving a magic bus, 40 major, an allen key, a possessed jersey, lime jelly and a newborn child. Since that day Hermy begins every sentence with "By the power of Bob" and various references to slack... Although Bobs powers remain unfounded many remain convinced...

Hermy

...and they that remain unconvinced continue to gain Slack.
Praise Bob!

Hermy

And then X-day finally came to pass and the true Subgenie were taken by the Pleasure Saucers to the great devival and the Conspiracy was now and ever shall be!

kerash

Slack being what the bob lovers do not strive for. In anycase there was the other thing involving other stuff which was far more interesting and illegal.

Black Swan

Kerash suddenly woke! She had been dreaming all that had gone before! "What a dream!" she proclaimed to the ceiling of her bedchamber. "Maybe I should post it over on the Sleeping and Dreaming Forum? Naaaa, they would think me trying to steal some fame from crazy Edgar Allen Poe!"

"It must of been that shooter I drank before drifting off?" She grinned, feeling her head, "Correction! Shooters..." looking over at the half empty bottle of Bushmills along side her shot glass.

She then looked at the condition of her bed, half of it on the floor and laughed, "More like a nightmare, with Randylonghorn pretending to work on papers in his office while drawing a paycheck, Sherifu picturing Ruu dashing about in his S-Mod Cape, Square Igloo spouting religious radio show talk, Hermy resurrecting St Victor, and something about Irish Wolf giving someone Rabies...?"

"Now, did Irish Wolf bite someone and give them rabies, or did he giveaway Rabies to someone?" she eyed the Bushmills, promising herself not to stray from her regular brand in the future.

"And where did Chloe and Dolanbaker figure into her nightmare?" nodding her head. "And what about this red flash?" rolling her eyes. The only red flash she could think of was Challengemaster. "Now, was that him flashing by in a karate pose, or was he flashing us all in his commando suit?"

"The Rigger playing Conan the Barbarian? Dreams! Nightmares!" She laughed. "The next thing we can expect from him is running for Governor of California! I'm almost afraid to go back to sleep, just in case this nightmare should return..." But her eyes were getting heavy, and...

randylonghorn

as she slipped back into sleep, there was a collective but muted sigh of relief from around the room.

As the rhythm of her breathing indicated she was fully asleep, Gavin Shels slipped out from under the bed, Rig dropped his ninja head covering and appeared from behind the curtain, and challengemaster finally came out of the closet.

"That was another close shave!" B!ue murmured from the door. As Irish Wolf padded in behind her, slipping quickly between her legs, she sighed and leaned against the door.

As challengemaster squelched across the room, he caught Rig staring intently at him.

"What?! FO, I'm not pretending to be your pony again!"

"No, I was wondering why the hell you constantly wear that wetsuit!"

CM blushed until his face matched the colour of his hair.

"My mother got tired laundering my boxers," he muttered. "She said I have to wear this until I learn some self-control".

"Ah, poor CM," said B!ue, lightly brushing her finger along his cheek.

He suddenly shuddered, and his eyes rolled in his head.

"I ... eh ... :eek: " he whimpered, before diving out the door.

Ignoring the laughter of the others, B!ue stared at the figure in the bed.

"So ... what next?" she said. "How do we escape from her dreams?"

Hermy

"I don't know" was the meek reply.

kerash

because there was obviously only one intelligent character in this story.

randylonghorn

"Intelligence is over-rated" said the Narrator. "In the Nest, intelligence will avail you naught."

kerash

After a brief, but significant pause

Havermeyer

The production team suggested the possible need for new writers. And so the writers challenged the production team to a pie eating contest. Should the writers win, they would keep their jobs. But should they lose...........

Hermy

...the pies, then the competition would be the outright winner.

TequilaMockingBird

...meanwhile, downtown in the Piemakers store, a shadowy figure held a vial of liquid up to the eerie light , his dark cloak shielding his face. As he poured the rank concoction into the pie mixture, a flash of lightning illuminated his terrifying face, revealing him as none other than...

FredH3as

....himself!.....

kerry4sam

Or so he thought! The shadowey figure with the dark cloak sheilding his face kept some of the vial of liquid for when he went to meet Blue_Lagoon who he inadvertently found out instigated this so-called "dream" .
A dark figure hung over Blue_Lagoons house...

kerash

darkness loomed, as the fog descended, B!ue peaked round the old creaking door, What's he building in there? she thought, What the hell is he building in there? He has subscriptions to those Magazines... He never Waves when he goes by. He's hiding something from he rest of us... He's all To himself... I think I know Why... Now what's that sound from under the door? He's pounding nails into a Hardwood floor... and I Swear to god I heard someone Moaning low... and I keep seeing the blue light.....

Hermy

"Ah yes, the blue light indeed. Maybe I should ask Thing-Fish. He's a good friend of Mr. Waits neighbour." But that rationale was only the beginning of the end of...

kerash

said Mr Waits lyrics, due to the failing light and imagination. Suddenly a crashing sound caused panic. Among the...:eek:

Hermy

perimeters there can has no stars. Among the perimeters there can has immaculate stones!

kerash

But my dreams, they aren't as empty, as my conscience seems to be

DarkJager

or my balls as itchy as they used to be

kerash

finally a cure! as DarkJager rejoiced,

randylonghorn

realising that he would never again have an overwhelming urge to fondle his balls.

Then his smile faded as he realised that this was not in fact an unmixed blessing.

kerash

As a new month began, neglected threads re-emerged

carchaeologist

from the distant past, willing the inhabitants of the cuckoos nest to post more jibberish in the vain hope of finding closure to this rambling story,alas it was not to be

Black Swan

...thanks to carchaeologist, who stopped in their quest to find missing mummies and rediscovered this thread. Don't let the seductive bandage wrap fool you, cause hidden within is something HOT!

This thread came back to life for a moment in time, just like the rare appearance of clown bag, and metaphorically limping by other more frequent but ancient TCN posters as randylonghorn (Don't mistake randy for a mummy, even if he is not keeping up with the latest fashions and is a little threadbare!).

The Never Ending Story continues...

"What?" proclaimed ruu in surprise. "The-Rigger is proposing a tax on boards sig pics, other than his mad professor one? Now he's gone too far!" Ruu takes a deep breath, listens to lift music, counts to ten, feeds his cat, doing anything trying to restrain his special super mod finger from pushing the red coloured "ban" button next to The Rig's name.

In the mean time, kerash checks out dolanbaker's profile, wondering if he would be a good candidate for...

randylonghorn

... administering the spanking that Ms. La Goon so richly deserved.

She also considered challengemaster, but decided against on the grounds that his parents might be annoyed at having him once again reduced to a gibbering sex-crazed lunatic (though quite how they knew the difference from his normal state she wasn't certain.)

In the end kerash decided that she herself would be the best person to administer punishment, and she announced that the other Nesters would be permitted to bear witness in the hope that it would have a salutary effect on their morals and behaviour ...

Black Swan

...At the last minute randylonghorn volunteered to take the spanking on behalf of Bad B!ue, claiming that it was the knightly thing to do. But all the Nesters knew the real reason why randy took her place. He enjoyed being the object of a grand paddle.

After the first few WHACKS! administered by kerash, with tears in his eyes randylonghorn proclaimed...

Hermy

his love for...

Jesus Wept

Hermy

Yes, sadly it seems that randy had an unhealthy obsession with vacumn cleaners.

carchaeologist

no matter,as little henry always sucked well, and never complained no matter what he put up his nose..

Black Swan

...and if Little Henry failed (Heaven forbid!), he came with a limited warranty that randylonghorn might try to claim. But we all know that Little Henry abuse was not covered! So as an alternative, randy would...

Hermy

phone Joe Duffy...

carchaeologist

to complain to the nation about little henrys suction problem,but the company that built him stood firm and wouldnt give in to his demands,so a very angry randy....

edgesgirl

turned his attentions to...

Jesus Wept

Welcome to the nest Edgesgirl

kerash

said The-Rigger, rubbing his hands in glee.... in the meantime Hermy could hardly see straight, due to spending too much time

longshanks

drinking turpentine. he could no longer see, and prolonged ipod, glue and heroin abuse meant he could no longer taste, feel or hear. he slumped blankly, empty

Hermy

bottles surrounded him. Then he woke up in his palace and thanked Allah that it was all a dream.

cHaTbOx

He looked in the mirror and said ''Damn you look like a god'.......................shame it's buddah'.then he picked up a stone and threw it against the wardrobe.''why did i do that?'' he asked himself.He pulled himself up against the wardrobe and what did he find but a 1950s porn collection.

longshanks

so he pulled himself again. up against the wardrobe. and once more to prove to himself he still could

carchaeologist

do it,alas he was not able to finish off, so deeply depressed he went down stairs with the enormous porno collection and rang the buy n sell crowd thinking,"at least i will make a few quid out of this whole sorry episode",but as he picked up the phone there was a loud crash and in through the window came...