The Pun appreciation thread!

Beanstalk

Ok folks, time to start a thread dedicated to puns only. Please vote your opinions on the lowest of the low in the world of humour!

Please feel free to place all your devious punnery in here with your replies. You can create puns arising from anything and everthing from funny stories, jokes, current affairs/news, pictures, other user's comments and even other usernames.

Feel free to post new topics anytime, especially if a particular topic has dried up or dying and the thread is in dire need of some punicillin.....

p.s. Groan-inducing posts are encouraged, and if you're unsure whether to post a particularly dodgy pun, just ask yourself this: 'Do you feel lucky punk? well, do ya?'

admiralofthefleet

that grand central pub in o connell street is, er, grand and central

AlmightyCushion

A thread dedicated to puns? This is punbelievable.

Beanstalk

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

that grand central pub in o connell street is, er, grand and central

O'Connell street eh? must check that place, anywhere i can do some reading on good pubs in Dublin? any good books published?

(Yes i know that was poor, i'll have to raise the bar a little from now on......)

Hagar

I once entered 10 puns in a pun competition thinking a least one of the 10 would win something.
Unfortunately no pun in ten did.

el_barty

This thread reminds me of a German dinner party... in that the wurst is yet to come!

Naos

el_barty wrote: »

This thread reminds me of a German dinner party... in that the wurst is yet to come!

Aw beanstalk, I think you just got pun3d!!

Oliverdog

You walrus hurt the one you love.

randylonghorn

An old groaner pour encourager les autres ...


Bill had been getting progressively more bald at a very young age, and it was depressing him quite a bit. Eventually, he decided to get a wig, and the following evening he came into the pub looking 10 years younger, with a full head of jet black hair. The locals admired his new look, and complimented him on how realistic it looked.

Eventually, Joe asked him for a closer look, and, though slightly embarrassed, he slipped the wig off and handed it over. However, as soon as Joe took the wig, he began to complain about everything: the weather, his job, the quality of the pint, anything and everything you could think of. Puzzled by this irresistable urge to moan, he handed the wig to Tom to give back to Bill, and suddenly his normal good humour re-asserted itself.

Tom, however, even in the few seconds he had the wig in his hands, had already announced to the pub that his wife was useless: couldn't cook, and was ferociously dirty around the house, but not, unfortunately, when she got to bed. Again, as soon as he had handed the wig back to Bill, the torrent of complaints dried up, and he was his old cheerful self again.

The three friends, completely confused and puzzled, were starting to discuss what on earth had happened, when the barman leant across the counter towards them, and told them not to worry about it.

"Why?" they asked.

"Ah, 'tis perfectly natural, lads!" he said. "Sure doesn't everybody complain when they have Bill's toupee?"

randylonghorn

Oliverdog wrote: »

You walrus hurt the one you love.

That doesn't floe very easily ...

Jesus Wept

This thread is very punny!

Beanstalk

Oliverdog wrote: »

You walrus hurt the one you love.

Heh, that one gets my seal of approval....

Rolotomasee

You all deserve to be punished!

Hagar

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.

The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." [/FONT]

rocky25

It is difficult to escape being a peasant because resistance is feudal

el_barty

Sorry it's so late folks, but I just got in from a wedding. Two television aerials got married. The ceremony wasn't up to much, but the reception was fantastic.

Jack Sheehan

Puns is it? Well you know what they say, people who indulge in wordplay get up to some antics.

Xavi6

Some of ye need to calm down before there's punches thrown

randylonghorn

Think there are a lot of punch drunk people in this thread at this stage ...

oobydooby

Can any old punter chip in? Might need a bit of g'lic for this...

Seán Mac Seánaín was the talk of the town the time he got his combined harvester. His young lad Séamus, fruit of his loins and an excellent judge of cattle took it upon himself to figure out how to operate the combined harvester. No bother to Séamus it was and away he went on the combined. Evening came and Séamus had not returned. Anxious, Seán went down to Bríd Uí Mháille's place and with a hint of desperation asked "An bhfaca tú mo Shéamaisín?"

RadioCity

Very good!

Will we wheat to explain it?

Beanstalk

Cool, although I just barley got it...a little corny....I can't help it, they just keep cropping up....

Hagar

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

==============

Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes.
"Kids,"they say, "you're old enough now to go out and find yourselves husbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to be sure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of."

With that,they send their children forth to find mates.
A few months later the first daughter returns.

"Mom, Dad, I'd like youto meet my fiance, Peter Potato. Peter's from Idaho.""
Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, Peter."

A few months after that the second daughter comes home.
"Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Paul Potato. Paul is from Maine."
"Maine! Well, delighted to meet you, Paul."

A few months after that, the third daughter walks in.
"Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Tom Brokaw."
"Um...would you excuse us for a moment, Tom?"
The parents take the third daughter aside and tell her that they do not approve of this match and will cut her out of the will if she goes through with it.
"But Mom! Dad! I thought you'd be thrilled! What's the matter with Tom Brokaw?"

"Don't you understand? He's a common tater!"

=================

A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back.
His father said, "How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?"

mickrourke

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
3. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
4. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
5. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
6. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
7. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
8. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
9. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
10. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

staker

2 lesbians in a bath,1 says to the other "where's the soap?". to which the other replies" it does, doesn't it?"

mickrourke

Hagar wrote: »

A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back.
His father said, "How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?"

Thats Puntastic!
Excellent Hagar, gonna use that one.

Beanstalk

Did you hear what happened to the magician who lost his job? He became very dis-illusioned.....

The Irish should be rich because their capital is always Dublin....

Taxi-drivers charge so much these days....it's just so unfare...

Oliverdog

The galley slaves were taking a rest after a full day rowing under merciless sun with the sound of the slave driver's gong still ringing in their ears.
"It's not the captain's waterskiing that bothers me so much" said one slave to his shipmate. "It's that gong, gong, gong every two seconds. I'm going to get rid of it"
The slaves decide that under cover of darkness, they would lift the gong from its chains and throw it overboard.
"We can't do it like that" suggested one of the plotters "They would be sure to hear us - we'll have to find a way to slip it quietly into the water".
So that night, six of the slaves lifted the heavy gong and carried it carefully to the stern of the galley - but there was no way to slip the gong into the water without banging it noisily on the boat.
"I have it! - I'll slip under the rail and hold on with my back to the stern, then I will act as a slide for you to ease the gong over my body and quietly into the water", said the brightest of the slaves.
This was working perfectly, when suddenly the slave driver appeared behind the plotters.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he shouted.
To a man, the men sprang to attention, and burst into song ...

One, two, three -

"We're sliding a gong on the chest of a slave ...."

mickrourke

Back to deal you out more punishment.


A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

---

There are 2 prawns, one called Johnny and one called Christian. They're happy prawns, playing with their happy prawn friends. One day Johnny decides that he's bored, so he goes to see Cod.
"Cod, I'm bored," says Johnny. "Please turn me into a great big shark!"
So Cod waves his magic fin and turns Johnny into a shark.
Johnny swims off and has a few fun weeks scaring all his little friends. But eventually they work out that this particular shark isn't going to eat them, so they start ignoring him. Johnny gets angry and (disturbed prawn that he is) starts eating them. At last, there is only Christian left, and Johnny wants to play with him. He goes to Christian's rock and says,
"Christian, come out and play with me!"
"Nononono, you're a big shark, you're going to eat me!"
"No, I won't eat you, please come and play with me."
"Nononono, you're a great big shark, you're going to eat me!"
So Johnny swims off to see Cod.
"Cod, I'm bored! All my friends are dead, and Christian won't play with me. Please turn me back into a prawn again." Cod says "OK, I think you've learned your lesson," waves his magic fin and Johnny is a prawn again. He swims off to see Christian.
"Come out and play with me," he calls.
"Nonono, you're a shark, you're going to eat me!"
"No, it's OK! I've spoken to Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian!"

---

There are two legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"
The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."
The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me... all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you..."
The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate, we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now, Do you have any you can sell us?"
The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."
The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands. Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other, and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar..."

Penty of groans after that, the knives are out for me and
here it comes, my perma ban from the Pun forum.

Oliverdog

Yes, especially for the two piscatorial puns.

If ever there was a case for a good going-over with the fish-knives, you certainly fillet!

rocky25

Jayus:p

Punters everywhere:eek:

Beanstalk

Oliverdog wrote: »

Yes, especially for the two piscatorial puns.

If ever there was a case for a good going-over with the fish-knives, you certainly fillet!

ah don't mind him he's just flexing his mussels....:)

randylonghorn

Beanstalk wrote: »

ah don't mind him he's just flexing his mussels....:)

I'm beginning to feel I'm bean stalked! 0_o

Hagar

This fellow checks into a Vegas hotel.
The Doorman hands him his key, and he gives the Doorman a big tip, and says, "Listen, can you get me some Italian prostitutes, and send them up to the room?"
Doorman, says, "Oh, yes, Sir. Right away, Sir."
Guy says, "Now, they have to be Italian prostitutes, understand? And,send lots of them."
"Yes sir."
A little later, girls start appearing at the door of his room. He invites them in. Turns out he's a vampire. He drinks their blood and, then, pushes them off the balcony. The Doorman is going out to get luggage and is hit several times by the falling bodies. He tells the manager who calls the police.
The police arrive and question the Doorman, asking him "What's going on?"
He says, "All I know is ... drained wops keep falling on my head."

Beanstalk

Whats the cruelest way to execute a fish?
Put it under a gill-otine.....

Did you hear what happened to the monk who kept picking his nose?
People said he had a bad habit.....

Hagar

A man was charged with stealing ducks from a local pond in a small English village.
When in court, the judge asked how he pleaded. He replied 'Not guilty Mallard'.


Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses?
They will be for people who love meat tender.


I had a nightmare that I was in Panama during a snowstorm. I was dreaming of a white isthmus.


As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los Platanos, and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he heard a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be born 17 inches long,"
To which Reynoldo replied, "Do you know the weight, too, San Jose?

Oliverdog

A Russian who had lived through the rule of Nicholas II, who ended czarism for good by abdicating in 1917, when communism began, was telling the story of his hard life to a sympathetic group in an inn, in return for which he was being provided with vodka in large measure.

"Ahh" said the peasant, "it's good to taste that good spirit again. When I was a young man, although there should have been plenty of food and drink to go around, Nicholas II would waste it all on gluttony and feasts for all his noble friends, leaving us peasants and serfs to scramble for food in the gutters of Moscow and St Petersburg."

He shook his head and sighed.

"Yes, I was born under a squandering Czar!"

RadioCity

Did you hear about the bird that sat on an axe?

It was trying to hatchet.:)

cozmik

The latest market research shows a growing trend for eating high-fibre cereal for breakfast, with the result that people are experiencing greater regularity in their bowel movements.

With trends like that, who needs enemas?

el_barty

My dog's got no dictionary.

How does he spell 'terrible'?

Beanstalk

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were freezing, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it...

mickrourke

No offence, and i think i might get banned for saying this but....
As the german said to the sausage 'This is the wurst thread i have ever read!'
seriously, please close it done Hagar, I beg you!
My brain hurts.

netanyahu

Beanstalk wrote: »

ah don't mind him he's just flexing his mussels....:)

are you codding me

randylonghorn

mickrourke wrote: »

'This is the wurst thread i have ever read!'
seriously, please close it done Hagar, I beg you!

So don't read it! No need to punish yourself ...

Beanstalk

mickrourke wrote: »

seriously, please close it done Hagar, I beg you!
My brain hurts.

Hey you'd want to be careful there, I once heard of a guy who heard a joke that was so funny he started to laugh so hard he collapsed to his knees. He then put his his hands on his ears and fell over unconscious with a smile on his face....

The Hospital report said he collapsed due to a brain humour.....

netanyahu wrote: »

are you codding me

Hey! This isn't the plaice for fish jokes, oh no wait it is.....

Oliverdog

I sincerely hope that Hagar will mullet over for a while, before whiting this thread off and plaicing it in the out tray. There have been salmon credible contributions to the thread so far.

Hagar

No matter what I do, someone will carp about it.

el_barty

It seems this thread really has legs - no wait, shouldn't that be fins? Let's hope no-one ends up feeling too crabby about it. Maybe after this one, it'll start to take wing:

===

So I heard the strangest thing on the radio yesterday. It was an interview of a guy whose hobby was eating endangered birds. He went into great detail of all the meals that he'd had - bald eagle stew, deep fried condor wings, breast of kestrel, that kind of thing.

The interviewer then asks him, "So have you eaten any egrets at all?"

"Egrets?" he said "I've had a few. But then again, too few to munch on."

mickrourke

It really s time to finish this now. Hallibut we start something new and stop being so shellfish?

Oliverdog

Perhaps it's time to change direction - how about the latecomers to the society ball, as in I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue?

Footballers Ball -
Mr and Mrs Champions and their small Scottish son wee Arthur.

Astronomers Ball -
Mr and Mrs O'Centauri and their son Alf

Scottish Dentists Ball -
Mr and Mrs McCavity and their son Phil

Beanstalk

el_barty wrote: »

So I heard the strangest thing on the radio yesterday. It was an interview of a guy whose hobby was eating endangered birds. He went into great detail of all the meals that he'd had - bald eagle stew, deep fried condor wings, breast of kestrel, that kind of thing.

The interviewer then asks him, "So have you eaten any egrets at all?"

"Egrets?" he said "I've had a few. But then again, too few to munch on."

oooh im robin that one if you don't mind! you see, i'm giving a presentation on predatory birds that are worshipped by ancient cultures (birds of pray, if you will) later this evening to a latin class, and i could use that joke with the same birds, ad hawk, of course!