Cheating partners - is honesty the best policy?

MagicMarker

As some of you may know, there have been numerous threads on PI recently from people who have cheated on their partners looking for advice on where to go.

Some people may be surprised (I was) to read that maybe half if not the majority of posters were telling the original posters to not tell their partner, learn from their mistake and move on and that no good could come from telling the partner.

Now this is not something I agree with personally, I think any partner who is unfaithful for any reason should fess up. Likewise, if my partner cheated on me I would want to know. I understand how hurt I would be but I would MUCH rather take that pain and decide for myself where to go from there, than have my partner hide it from me.

I’m posting here as I would like to see what the general consensus is. So, the poll addresses the main question from an outsider’s point of view. But I’d also like to ask, if your partner was unfaithful, would you want to know?

Black Swan

Not cheating is the best policy, then you don't have to worry about telling or not telling?

MagicMarker

Blue_Lagoon wrote: »

Not cheating is the best policy, then you don't have to worry about telling or not telling?

ha ha.. touché. Let's pretend though that the cheating has already happened!

leninbenjamin

crude revenge is the best tbh.

Rb

MagicMarker wrote: »

But I’d also like to ask, if your partner was unfaithful, would you want to know?

Yep, so I could dump her and move on to someone who wouldn't cheat on me.

If a girlfriend cheated on me, didn't tell me and tried to carry on as though nothing had happened and then I found out, there'd be a lot more consequences than just a break up.
There's always the chance that your partner would find out, if you take that chance you're asking for the consequences attached to it if they do find out.

vorbis

eh rb_ie what more consequences could there be than a break up????

If you want the relationship to continue then don't tell your partner. All telling your partner does is probably end the relationship and relieve your own guilt. Live with the guilt if you want to keep the relationship going.

Rb

vorbis wrote: »

eh rb_ie what more consequences could there be than a break up????

If you want the relationship to continue then don't tell your partner. All telling your partner does is probably end the relationship and relieve your own guilt. Live with the guilt if you want to keep the relationship going.

A burnt out car maybe?

I have a mate that is with a really nice good looking girl but he cheated on her at the start of their relationship continiously with some absolute mess. She still doesn't know but so many people do......gonna be a mess when it all comes out

humbert

It depends on the circumstances. Basically if it was highly out of character and not symptomatic of other problems there's often a strong argument for letting it go unmentioned and having a very successful relationship. On the other hand I wouldn't want to be wasting time with someone who didn't think enough of me not go shag someone else.

From reading the various threads in PI the one thing that does stand out is that the bitter emotionally immature internet nerd stereotype isn't entirely inaccurate yet.

MagicMarker

vorbis wrote: »

eh rb_ie what more consequences could there be than a break up????

If you want the relationship to continue then don't tell your partner. All telling your partner does is probably end the relationship and relieve your own guilt. Live with the guilt if you want to keep the relationship going.

I don't buy into that argument about relieving one’s own guilt.

If I cheated, telling my other half certainly wouldn’t relieve any guilt I have! In fact, it would probably make me feel a whole lot worse.

I could just as easily say not telling is an easy way out instead of taking responsibility for your actions.

CathyMoran

I think that honesty is the best policy, there is life after cheating but it takes a LOT of work.

RAFC

For someone to cheat in the first place, they must not be happy with what they've got - so fess up and clear out.

I'd rather know if my hubby cheated on me - yeah it would be 16yrs down the drain, but do I really want to be with someone who doesn't think enough of me to be faithful.

And anyway, what good would he be to me without his manhood after I finish with him :)

TerrorFirmer

CathyMoran wrote: »

I think that honesty is the best policy, there is life after cheating but it takes a LOT of work.

Ditto.

thefinalstage

Do not tell her. Why try to relieve your own guilt onto your wife/partner?

She may be blissfully unaware and you will shatter her happiness just to help yourself.

MagicMarker

thelastangryman wrote: »

Do not tell her. Why try to relieve your own guilt onto your wife/partner?

She may be blissfully unaware and you will shatter her happiness just to help yourself.

How will telling her help himself? Like i said i don't believe it would relieve any guilt at all.

The people who say this seem to think that the cheater is being selfish by telling the truth! Where as not telling is by far the easy way out and helps no one but the cheater in question, because then they don't have to deal with their own actions. This is far far more selfish imo.

daveirl

This post has been deleted.

MIN2511

CathyMoran wrote: »

I think that honesty is the best policy, there is life after cheating but it takes a LOT of work.

Easier said than done!
Is honesty really the best policy?

1. drunken night cheat = not tell
2. affair = relationship over
3. kiss/snog/makeout = not cheating

what you dont know wont hurt you

Mossy Monk

I would say yes to this thread.

MagicMarker

MIN2511 wrote: »

kiss/snog/makeout = not cheating

A what now?

WhiteWashMan

MIN2511 wrote: »

Easier said than done!
Is honesty really the best policy?

1. drunken night cheat = not tell
2. affair = relationship over
3. kiss/snog/makeout = not cheating

what you dont know wont hurt you

i see no difference between your first and third option tbh.

MIN2511

Very true whitewashman:D

Magicmaker, if we considered kiss/snog as cheating then wan**** to Pam Anderson is cheating...

Stabshauptmann

poorly expressed, but I infer 1 and 2 involve sex while 3 doesnt.

Kissing someone is, presumably, a momentary lapse (3) whereas sleeping with them is a conscious thing.

Agamemnon

A drunken once-off should be forgotten - telling your partner won't do either of you any good. Your guilt is your punishment and you should learn from your mistakes.

Having a relationship with someone else on the side is a different story though - then your "official" relationship is a sham and you should admit it and break up.

MagicMarker

MIN2511 wrote: »

Very true whitewashman:D

Magicmaker, if we considered kiss/snog as cheating then wan**** to Pam Anderson is cheating...

I have no idea what you're trying to say here.

I think the majority of people would class kissing as cheating, but that's not what this thread is about.

WhiteWashMan

MIN2511 wrote: »

Very true whitewashman:D

Magicmaker, if we considered kiss/snog as cheating then wan**** to Pam Anderson is cheating...

Kind sir. I feel you may have misinterpreted my meaning.

I think that both option 1 and option 3 are both cheating.

By the way, I don't agree either that a 'conscious' decision is necessarily true either. Being extremely drunk does make for rational on conscious decision making.
I'm not saying its an excuse, but lets face it, real world experience has taught me that people do very strange and silly things sometimes, that are neither rational or conscious.

Latchy

There are people who will cheat ,and people who want to cheat but the occasion hasn't arrived for some yet .

I somtimes look at the problems page on wimmins mags (partner leaves them around ..... and the amount of cheating going on there, you do have to ask if they make these up to fill the gossip colums in these mags/papers ? .

The hurt of a cheating partner must be unmeasurable i would think .Thankfully it hasnt happend to me .

dSTAR

I think the word 'cheating' is loaded with moralistic value judgments.

What gives anyone the right to say that another person belongs exclusively to them? It is sheer folly to expect that one person can embody all the sexual qualities and meet all of the needs of the other person.

For instance I really love anal and double penetration but my current girlfriend doesn't. So isn't the obvious solution to seek out a couple of people that can satisfy this sexual longing if my girlfriend can't provide it? Of course if she wants to participate as a spectator she is more than welcome but it doesn't give here a right to deny me this pleasure.

Most people respond with the typical Oh my god .. what a loser. Dump his ass Melrose Place style reaction. No wonder there are so many goddamed unhappy relationships everywhere. Variety is the spice of life.

Wossack

If you're looking to fulful this need of yours behind her back, then yes, thats cheating. The rest of your post is rather irrelevent.

Solarball10

dSTAR wrote: »

I think the word 'cheating' is loaded with moralistic value judgments.

What gives anyone the right to say that another person belongs exclusively to them? It is sheer folly to expect that one person can embody all the sexual qualities and meet all of the needs of the other person.

For instance I really love anal and double penetration but my current girlfriend doesn't. So isn't the obvious solution to seek out a couple of people that can satisfy this sexual longing if my girlfriend can't provide it? Of course if she wants to participate as a spectator she is more than welcome but it doesn't give here a right to deny me this pleasure.

Most people respond with the typical Oh my god .. what a loser. Dump his ass Melrose Place style reaction. No wonder there are so many goddamed unhappy relationships everywhere. Variety is the spice of life.

Ok - for one thing - if you're in a relationship it's a given that the people involved will be faithful to each other (unless they agree on an open relationship!) If you don't like the concept of one person "belonging" to another, then don't be in a relationship!

Secondly - I can understand your frustrations about your g/f not liking the same sexual things as you - does she just refuse to do it point blank? If so, you could try reach a compromise, eg. she do it once a fortnight/month/year(lol) and if she doesn't agree to that....well, before you do start looking elsewhere i'd suggest ending the relationship!

OP - Always best to fess up i'd say - these things usually come out eventually!

And kissing IS cheating.

Quality

Take it to the grave with you....

Terry

I've a good story about this.
I'll tell you later.

prendy

as chandelor in friends once said
you have to think of the trail!!!!

Solarball10

prendy wrote: »

as chandelor in friends once said
you have to think of the trail!!!!

So true!

cormie

MIN2511 wrote: »

Easier said than done!
Is honesty really the best policy?

1. drunken night cheat = not tell
2. affair = relationship over
3. kiss/snog/makeout = not cheating

what you dont know wont hurt you

I wouldn't go out with you if that's your attitude.

If you feel the need or desire to be with someone else, no matter what the situation or how little or how much you've had to drink, there is something amiss in the relationship or else the cheater is just selfish. Whichever, I wouldn't want to carry on with that relationship.

The truth will ALWAYS come out so best to confess rather than hearing it through the grapevine.

I'm far too honest, I got fired/quit a job because of my honesty before

Stabshauptmann

dSTAR wrote: »

I think the word 'cheating' is loaded with moralistic value judgments.

What gives anyone the right to say that another person belongs exclusively to them? It is sheer folly to expect that one person can embody all the sexual qualities and meet all of the needs of the other person.

For instance I really love anal and double penetration but my current girlfriend doesn't. So isn't the obvious solution to seek out a couple of people that can satisfy this sexual longing if my girlfriend can't provide it? Of course if she wants to participate as a spectator she is more than welcome but it doesn't give here a right to deny me this pleasure.

Most people respond with the typical Oh my god .. what a loser. Dump his ass Melrose Place style reaction. No wonder there are so many goddamed unhappy relationships everywhere. Variety is the spice of life.

Well how about the objective economic look at it. A relationship is like a contract; you have obligations to fulfil in return for the benefits you accrue. What these are will vary. There are warranties and conditions -deal breakers- and these will also vary; though unless explicitly excluded, industry norms are regarded as implicit conditions. e.g. It is expected that after a certain stage you have a monogamous relationship.

You may not get everything you ever wanted from a relationship, but that doesn't mean you are entitled to go behind your partners back to get it.
Either leave them and hope to find better or renegotiate the terms [sic] (You didnt make it clear if you have an agreed open relationship or not),

I want to get my weeks grocery shopping for 2euro. The shops just wont give me 7 steaks for 2euro. That doesnt mean I can just give them two euro, take what they will give me and then steal the rest when they're not looking. Its not fair to them. Its selfish.

dSTAR

ozzyoh wrote: »

Ok - for one thing - if you're in a relationship it's a given that the people involved will be faithful to each other (unless they agree on an open relationship!) If you don't like the concept of one person "belonging" to another, then don't be in a relationship ..

Who says it a given? Outmoded social conditioning or some Catholic/Christian dogma that has percolated into the collective minds of those who can't think for themselves??

Usually when I embark on a relationship I don't usually ask upfront if my prospective partner is into threesomes/foursomes or other kinky practices.
I hate to burst your Polly Anna view of romantic love and relationships but monogamy is not a natural state. The whole concept of the nuclear family and monogamous marriages/relationships clearly has been responsible for more tyranny and abuse than any other model and is only a relatively recent practice in human history.

We have have been so conditioned in this hyper linear world which constantly drums into us from childhood a false view of love first came love then came marriage then came baby in a carriage that its no wonder more than a third of marriages end in divorce in Australia and a higher number in the US.

moco

Everyone should have open relationships.

humbert

dSTAR wrote: »

Who says it a given? Outmoded social conditioning or some Catholic/Christian dogma that has percolated into the collective minds of those who can't think for themselves??

Usually when I embark on a relationship I don't usually ask upfront if my prospective partner is into threesomes/foursomes or other kinky practices.
I hate to burst your Polly Anna view of romantic love and relationships but monogamy is not a natural state. The whole concept of the nuclear family and monogamous marriages/relationships clearly has been responsible for more tyranny and abuse than any other model and is only a relatively recent practice in human history.

We have have been so conditioned in this hyper linear world which constantly drums into us from childhood a false view of love first came love then came marriage then came baby in a carriage that its no wonder more than a third of marriages end in divorce in Australia and a higher number in the US.

Just because polygamy was common among out primitive ancestors doesn't mean it's it's an immutable part of our character today.

Your sexual proclivities are your own choice, but if you can't be open and honest about them with your partner and instead need to deceive them, then all the high brow arguments in the world wont change the fact that you're cheating on them.

Oh and a nuclear family is not clearly responsible for tyranny.

Solarball10

dSTAR wrote: »

Who says it a given? Outmoded social conditioning or some Catholic/Christian dogma that has percolated into the collective minds of those who can't think for themselves??

Usually when I embark on a relationship I don't usually ask upfront if my prospective partner is into threesomes/foursomes or other kinky practices.
I hate to burst your Polly Anna view of romantic love and relationships but monogamy is not a natural state. The whole concept of the nuclear family and monogamous marriages/relationships clearly has been responsible for more tyranny and abuse than any other model and is only a relatively recent practice in human history.

We have have been so conditioned in this hyper linear world which constantly drums into us from childhood a false view of love first came love then came marriage then came baby in a carriage that its no wonder more than a third of marriages end in divorce in Australia and a higher number in the US.

Sheesh, I was only offering advice....I didn't ask for a lecture! Chill.

Solarball10

dSTAR wrote: »

Usually when I embark on a relationship I don't usually ask upfront if my prospective partner is into threesomes/foursomes or other kinky practices.

Erm well maybe you should if it's such a big deal for you!

MagicMarker

dSTAR wrote: »

I think the word 'cheating' is loaded with moralistic value judgments.

What gives anyone the right to say that another person belongs exclusively to them? It is sheer folly to expect that one person can embody all the sexual qualities and meet all of the needs of the other person.

For instance I really love anal and double penetration but my current girlfriend doesn't. So isn't the obvious solution to seek out a couple of people that can satisfy this sexual longing if my girlfriend can't provide it? Of course if she wants to participate as a spectator she is more than welcome but it doesn't give here a right to deny me this pleasure.

Most people respond with the typical Oh my god .. what a loser. Dump his ass Melrose Place style reaction. No wonder there are so many goddamed unhappy relationships everywhere. Variety is the spice of life.

www.dictionary.com

Look up ''cheating'' or ''unfaithful''.

dSTAR

dSTAR wrote: »

I think the word 'cheating' is loaded with moralistic value judgments.

What gives anyone the right to say that another person belongs exclusively to them? It is sheer folly to expect that one person can embody all the sexual qualities and meet all of the needs of the other person.

For instance I really love anal and double penetration but my current girlfriend doesn't. So isn't the obvious solution to seek out a couple of people that can satisfy this sexual longing if my girlfriend can't provide it? Of course if she wants to participate as a spectator she is more than welcome but it doesn't give here a right to deny me this pleasure.

Most people respond with the typical Oh my god .. what a loser. Dump his ass Melrose Place style reaction. No wonder there are so many goddamed unhappy relationships everywhere. Variety is the spice of life.

You’re a redhead aren't you.

Relationships are about living life together.
In the longterm, If you are willing to jeopardise the inner peace and security of the person you love and therefore that of your children for a selfish fetish. Then you’re not going to have a happy relationship.

IMO It's being lied to, left out of the picture, and being treated like your feelings and opinions aren't worth a damn that kills happiness. Not the unfaithfullness.

dSTAR

MagicMarker wrote: »

www.dictionary.com

Look up ''cheating'' or ''unfaithful''.

Again these dictionary definitions don't apply to the sheer complexity of human relationships. I am not an expert on relationships. If I was I would be on the Oprah Winfrey Show and not piss farting about with people who obviously have never been through a failed marriage with children involved and seen through the whole thing like a flimsy piece of net curtain on some seedy back street knocking shop.

A really big part of me wants to believe in the ONE but my skeptical nature tells me its all BS and a trap to suck people into some unattainable illusion of marital bliss like some mawkish Hollywood happy ever after story. I think we should just loosen up a little bit and have fun without all the guilt and accusations.

MagicMarker

If you go behind your partners back with another person. That's cheating. This is a fact no matter what kind of complexities are present. You don't have to be Oprah to understand this.

dSTAR

Granted within the confines of a monogamous relationship. But it still does not adequately address the question of exclusivity or by default ownership. Does this take some form of unspoken agreement? Can this be prosecuted in a court of law if a partner 'cheats' on you if there is no pre-marital agreement?

MagicMarker

Are you just trying to take the piss here?

Wossack

Id hazard a guess and say all relationships are monogamous unless otherwise stated.

Court of law? :rolleyes:

Quelle trollage

ex_infantry man

i honestly think that cheating on your partner is wrong,why would you want to intentionally hurt the one person your meant to love and care about it sickens me when i hear of people cheating on there boyfriend/girlfriend, like it is the grown up thing to talk and sort things out if the relationship is on the rocks not go off and have sex with the next person you see just to hurt the other half!!!! a person that does this does,nt deserve happiness and should live out the rest of there lives single and not have kids!

monkey tennis

dSTAR wrote: »

What gives anyone the right to say that another person belongs exclusively to them? It is sheer folly to expect that one person can embody all the sexual qualities and meet all of the needs of the other person.

Fair enough, as long as this is made clear at the beginning of the relationship/arrangemenet. The vast majority of people will consider an ongoing relationship exclusive, unless it's specified otherwise. If you don't make it clear that you're not planning to be exclusive, then you're in the wrong.

Edit: oops, didn't realize I replied to a post way back in the discussion...

monkey tennis

dSTAR wrote: »

monogamy is not a natural state.

Maybe not, but it's the norm in modern (Western) society. To say otherwise is to ignore reality.

dSTAR wrote: »

The whole concept of the nuclear family and monogamous marriages/relationships clearly has been responsible for more tyranny and abuse than any other model and is only a relatively recent practice in human history.

I think it's interesting that some psychologists reckon that the whole multiple wives thing in some Islamic countries is partly responsible for frustration common with young men in these countries (not enough women to go around), making them prime targets for terrorist recruitment. Not everything that's 'natural' is best.

dSTAR wrote: »

Does this take some form of unspoken agreement?

Yes. Again, to claim otherwise is to ignore the reality of the majority.

RAFC

My wedding vows included the words, 'Love, Honour and FORSAKE ALL OTHERS' I think that states the obvious