Cheating partners - is honesty the best policy?

prendy · 20-12-2007 12:18PM

as chandelor in friends once said
you have to think of the trail!!!!

Solarball10 · 20-12-2007 12:22PM

prendy wrote: »

as chandelor in friends once said
you have to think of the trail!!!!

So true!

cormie · 20-12-2007 12:23PM

MIN2511 wrote: »

Easier said than done!
Is honesty really the best policy?
drunken night cheat = not tell

affair = relationship over

kiss/snog/makeout = not cheating

what you dont know wont hurt you

I wouldn't go out with you if that's your attitude.

If you feel the need or desire to be with someone else, no matter what the situation or how little or how much you've had to drink, there is something amiss in the relationship or else the cheater is just selfish. Whichever, I wouldn't want to carry on with that relationship.

The truth will ALWAYS come out so best to confess rather than hearing it through the grapevine.

I'm far too honest, I got fired/quit a job because of my honesty before

Stabshauptmann · 20-12-2007 12:26PM

dSTAR wrote: »

I think the word 'cheating' is loaded with moralistic value judgments.

What gives anyone the right to say that another person belongs exclusively to them? It is sheer folly to expect that one person can embody all the sexual qualities and meet all of the needs of the other person.

For instance I really love anal and double penetration but my current girlfriend doesn't. So isn't the obvious solution to seek out a couple of people that can satisfy this sexual longing if my girlfriend can't provide it? Of course if she wants to participate as a spectator she is more than welcome but it doesn't give here a right to deny me this pleasure.

Most people respond with the typical Oh my god .. what a loser. Dump his ass Melrose Place style reaction. No wonder there are so many goddamed unhappy relationships everywhere. Variety is the spice of life.

Well how about the objective economic look at it. A relationship is like a contract; you have obligations to fulfil in return for the benefits you accrue. What these are will vary. There are warranties and conditions -deal breakers- and these will also vary; though unless explicitly excluded, industry norms are regarded as implicit conditions. e.g. It is expected that after a certain stage you have a monogamous relationship.

You may not get everything you ever wanted from a relationship, but that doesn't mean you are entitled to go behind your partners back to get it.
Either leave them and hope to find better or renegotiate the terms [sic] (You didnt make it clear if you have an agreed open relationship or not),

I want to get my weeks grocery shopping for 2euro. The shops just wont give me 7 steaks for 2euro. That doesnt mean I can just give them two euro, take what they will give me and then steal the rest when they're not looking. Its not fair to them. Its selfish.

dSTAR · 20-12-2007 12:39PM

ozzyoh wrote: »

Ok - for one thing - if you're in a relationship it's a given that the people involved will be faithful to each other (unless they agree on an open relationship!) If you don't like the concept of one person "belonging" to another, then don't be in a relationship ..

Who says it a given? Outmoded social conditioning or some Catholic/Christian dogma that has percolated into the collective minds of those who can't think for themselves??

Usually when I embark on a relationship I don't usually ask upfront if my prospective partner is into threesomes/foursomes or other kinky practices.
I hate to burst your Polly Anna view of romantic love and relationships but monogamy is not a natural state. The whole concept of the nuclear family and monogamous marriages/relationships clearly has been responsible for more tyranny and abuse than any other model and is only a relatively recent practice in human history.

We have have been so conditioned in this hyper linear world which constantly drums into us from childhood a false view of love first came love then came marriage then came baby in a carriage that its no wonder more than a third of marriages end in divorce in Australia and a higher number in the US.

moco · 20-12-2007 12:43PM

Everyone should have open relationships.

humbert · 20-12-2007 12:51PM

dSTAR wrote: »

Who says it a given? Outmoded social conditioning or some Catholic/Christian dogma that has percolated into the collective minds of those who can't think for themselves??

Usually when I embark on a relationship I don't usually ask upfront if my prospective partner is into threesomes/foursomes or other kinky practices.
I hate to burst your Polly Anna view of romantic love and relationships but monogamy is not a natural state. The whole concept of the nuclear family and monogamous marriages/relationships clearly has been responsible for more tyranny and abuse than any other model and is only a relatively recent practice in human history.

We have have been so conditioned in this hyper linear world which constantly drums into us from childhood a false view of love first came love then came marriage then came baby in a carriage that its no wonder more than a third of marriages end in divorce in Australia and a higher number in the US.

Just because polygamy was common among out primitive ancestors doesn't mean it's it's an immutable part of our character today.

Your sexual proclivities are your own choice, but if you can't be open and honest about them with your partner and instead need to deceive them, then all the high brow arguments in the world wont change the fact that you're cheating on them.

Oh and a nuclear family is not clearly responsible for tyranny.

Solarball10 · 20-12-2007 01:28PM

dSTAR wrote: »

Who says it a given? Outmoded social conditioning or some Catholic/Christian dogma that has percolated into the collective minds of those who can't think for themselves??

Usually when I embark on a relationship I don't usually ask upfront if my prospective partner is into threesomes/foursomes or other kinky practices.
I hate to burst your Polly Anna view of romantic love and relationships but monogamy is not a natural state. The whole concept of the nuclear family and monogamous marriages/relationships clearly has been responsible for more tyranny and abuse than any other model and is only a relatively recent practice in human history.

We have have been so conditioned in this hyper linear world which constantly drums into us from childhood a false view of love first came love then came marriage then came baby in a carriage that its no wonder more than a third of marriages end in divorce in Australia and a higher number in the US.

Sheesh, I was only offering advice....I didn't ask for a lecture! Chill.

Solarball10 · 20-12-2007 01:32PM

dSTAR wrote: »

Usually when I embark on a relationship I don't usually ask upfront if my prospective partner is into threesomes/foursomes or other kinky practices.

Erm well maybe you should if it's such a big deal for you!

MagicMarker · 20-12-2007 03:42PM

dSTAR wrote: »

I think the word 'cheating' is loaded with moralistic value judgments.

What gives anyone the right to say that another person belongs exclusively to them? It is sheer folly to expect that one person can embody all the sexual qualities and meet all of the needs of the other person.

For instance I really love anal and double penetration but my current girlfriend doesn't. So isn't the obvious solution to seek out a couple of people that can satisfy this sexual longing if my girlfriend can't provide it? Of course if she wants to participate as a spectator she is more than welcome but it doesn't give here a right to deny me this pleasure.

Most people respond with the typical Oh my god .. what a loser. Dump his ass Melrose Place style reaction. No wonder there are so many goddamed unhappy relationships everywhere. Variety is the spice of life.

www.dictionary.com

Look up ''cheating'' or ''unfaithful''.

20-12-2007 04:12PM

dSTAR wrote: »

I think the word 'cheating' is loaded with moralistic value judgments.

What gives anyone the right to say that another person belongs exclusively to them? It is sheer folly to expect that one person can embody all the sexual qualities and meet all of the needs of the other person.

For instance I really love anal and double penetration but my current girlfriend doesn't. So isn't the obvious solution to seek out a couple of people that can satisfy this sexual longing if my girlfriend can't provide it? Of course if she wants to participate as a spectator she is more than welcome but it doesn't give here a right to deny me this pleasure.

Most people respond with the typical Oh my god .. what a loser. Dump his ass Melrose Place style reaction. No wonder there are so many goddamed unhappy relationships everywhere. Variety is the spice of life.

You’re a redhead aren't you.

Relationships are about living life together.
In the longterm, If you are willing to jeopardise the inner peace and security of the person you love and therefore that of your children for a selfish fetish. Then you’re not going to have a happy relationship.

IMO It's being lied to, left out of the picture, and being treated like your feelings and opinions aren't worth a damn that kills happiness. Not the unfaithfullness.

dSTAR · 20-12-2007 04:46PM

MagicMarker wrote: »

www.dictionary.com

Look up ''cheating'' or ''unfaithful''.

Again these dictionary definitions don't apply to the sheer complexity of human relationships. I am not an expert on relationships. If I was I would be on the Oprah Winfrey Show and not piss farting about with people who obviously have never been through a failed marriage with children involved and seen through the whole thing like a flimsy piece of net curtain on some seedy back street knocking shop.

A really big part of me wants to believe in the ONE but my skeptical nature tells me its all BS and a trap to suck people into some unattainable illusion of marital bliss like some mawkish Hollywood happy ever after story. I think we should just loosen up a little bit and have fun without all the guilt and accusations.

MagicMarker · 20-12-2007 04:50PM

If you go behind your partners back with another person. That's cheating. This is a fact no matter what kind of complexities are present. You don't have to be Oprah to understand this.

dSTAR · 20-12-2007 05:01PM

Granted within the confines of a monogamous relationship. But it still does not adequately address the question of exclusivity or by default ownership. Does this take some form of unspoken agreement? Can this be prosecuted in a court of law if a partner 'cheats' on you if there is no pre-marital agreement?

MagicMarker · 20-12-2007 05:06PM

Are you just trying to take the piss here?

Wossack · 20-12-2007 05:14PM

Id hazard a guess and say all relationships are monogamous unless otherwise stated.

Court of law? :rolleyes:

Quelle trollage

ex_infantry man · 20-12-2007 07:20PM

i honestly think that cheating on your partner is wrong,why would you want to intentionally hurt the one person your meant to love and care about it sickens me when i hear of people cheating on there boyfriend/girlfriend, like it is the grown up thing to talk and sort things out if the relationship is on the rocks not go off and have sex with the next person you see just to hurt the other half!!!! a person that does this does,nt deserve happiness and should live out the rest of there lives single and not have kids!

monkey tennis · 20-12-2007 07:30PM

dSTAR wrote: »

What gives anyone the right to say that another person belongs exclusively to them? It is sheer folly to expect that one person can embody all the sexual qualities and meet all of the needs of the other person.

Fair enough, as long as this is made clear at the beginning of the relationship/arrangemenet. The vast majority of people will consider an ongoing relationship exclusive, unless it's specified otherwise. If you don't make it clear that you're not planning to be exclusive, then you're in the wrong.

Edit: oops, didn't realize I replied to a post way back in the discussion...

monkey tennis · 20-12-2007 07:38PM

dSTAR wrote: »

monogamy is not a natural state.

Maybe not, but it's the norm in modern (Western) society. To say otherwise is to ignore reality.

dSTAR wrote: »

The whole concept of the nuclear family and monogamous marriages/relationships clearly has been responsible for more tyranny and abuse than any other model and is only a relatively recent practice in human history.

I think it's interesting that some psychologists reckon that the whole multiple wives thing in some Islamic countries is partly responsible for frustration common with young men in these countries (not enough women to go around), making them prime targets for terrorist recruitment. Not everything that's 'natural' is best.

dSTAR wrote: »

Does this take some form of unspoken agreement?

Yes. Again, to claim otherwise is to ignore the reality of the majority.

RAFC · 21-12-2007 02:35PM

My wedding vows included the words, 'Love, Honour and FORSAKE ALL OTHERS' I think that states the obvious

HammerHeadGym · 21-12-2007 04:22PM

No. You shouln't cheat in the first place, having said that, if ytou already have, telling your partner is for your own benefit so you can remove the guilt and wipe the slate clean before moving on and it's just as selfish as cheating in the first place.

HammerHeadGym · 21-12-2007 04:27PM

Monogamy is not a natural state because men's survival of the species instinct tells him to have sex with as many women as possible where as women's instincts tell her to have one spouse who can provide safety, food and shelter for all their offspring.

According to desmond moris inanyway.

D

10-02-2008 11:05PM

HammerHeadGym wrote: »

No. You shouln't cheat in the first place, having said that, if ytou already have, telling your partner is for your own benefit so you can remove the guilt and wipe the slate clean before moving on and it's just as selfish as cheating in the first place.

What on earth do you mean wipe the slate clean? You think the partner is just going to say "ok well since you told me i dont really care lets pretend it didnt happen"? Not telling them and trying to pretend it didnt happen is wiping the slate clean.
Telling someone is NOT selfish. It is your partner's right to know, imo.

aidan24326 · 10-02-2008 11:14PM

It's not a straight yes/no answer, it very much depends on the circumstances I think.

cassiedoll · 12-02-2008 02:57PM

My motto on cheating is "it doesnt count unless you get caught".

if your stupid enough to get caught there is no point trying to make up some childish b*llsh*t shory just own up and suffer the consequences.

but also for the men out there who cheat or have thought about, your probably less likely to get caught if you stay away from the bunny boilers cos they'll ruin you if they get pissed off

Sugar Drunk · 12-02-2008 04:22PM

not cheating in the first place is the best policy. Should you confess? depends I think theres a difference between a one off thing and an affair that goes on for some time (and is far more unforgivable). If it was a once off and you are pretty sure it wont be found out then keep your mouth shut and behave from now on. If its an affair then confessing will surely get you dumped.

If any man confessed he cheated on me he would be out on his @rse for good. So surely if most people confessed thats the end then? I dont believe theres life after cheating as if you take a cheater back sure they will feel if they got away with it once they will again?

and as for the cheater - could you honestly respect someone who knew you cheated and took you back? If a guy cheated on me and I took him back I would feel I had no self respect.

Virgil° · 12-02-2008 04:52PM

If you have proper respect for said partner, cheating shouldnt even cross your mind as something that might happen.
If you have ANY respect for said partner you'll tell them that you cheated so THEY can make the decision. I dont for a second beleive the bs that fessing up is the easy way out and clears ones conscience of the matter.

Dyr · 12-02-2008 05:12PM

Somebody needs to point and call somebody else "girlfriend" right about now

nice1franko · 12-02-2008 06:08PM

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/139/139613_women_lie_cheat_and_steal.html?ref=emtaf&archive=archive

we know yer game wimmins

Placebo · 12-02-2008 07:43PM

TerrorFirmer wrote: »

Ditto.

Trito

Cheating partners - is honesty the best policy?

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