Cheating partners - is honesty the best policy?

MagicMarker · 19-12-2007 08:09PM #1

As some of you may know, there have been numerous threads on PI recently from people who have cheated on their partners looking for advice on where to go.

Some people may be surprised (I was) to read that maybe half if not the majority of posters were telling the original posters to not tell their partner, learn from their mistake and move on and that no good could come from telling the partner.

Now this is not something I agree with personally, I think any partner who is unfaithful for any reason should fess up. Likewise, if my partner cheated on me I would want to know. I understand how hurt I would be but I would MUCH rather take that pain and decide for myself where to go from there, than have my partner hide it from me.

I’m posting here as I would like to see what the general consensus is. So, the poll addresses the main question from an outsider’s point of view. But I’d also like to ask, if your partner was unfaithful, would you want to know?

19-12-2007 08:12PM

Not cheating is the best policy, then you don't have to worry about telling or not telling?

MagicMarker · 19-12-2007 08:13PM

Blue_Lagoon wrote: »

Not cheating is the best policy, then you don't have to worry about telling or not telling?

ha ha.. touché. Let's pretend though that the cheating has already happened!

leninbenjamin · 19-12-2007 08:14PM

crude revenge is the best tbh.

Rb · 19-12-2007 08:18PM

MagicMarker wrote: »

But I’d also like to ask, if your partner was unfaithful, would you want to know?

Yep, so I could dump her and move on to someone who wouldn't cheat on me.

If a girlfriend cheated on me, didn't tell me and tried to carry on as though nothing had happened and then I found out, there'd be a lot more consequences than just a break up.
There's always the chance that your partner would find out, if you take that chance you're asking for the consequences attached to it if they do find out.

vorbis · 19-12-2007 08:28PM

eh rb_ie what more consequences could there be than a break up????

If you want the relationship to continue then don't tell your partner. All telling your partner does is probably end the relationship and relieve your own guilt. Live with the guilt if you want to keep the relationship going.

Rb · 19-12-2007 08:29PM

vorbis wrote: »

eh rb_ie what more consequences could there be than a break up????

If you want the relationship to continue then don't tell your partner. All telling your partner does is probably end the relationship and relieve your own guilt. Live with the guilt if you want to keep the relationship going.

A burnt out car maybe?

19-12-2007 08:31PM

I have a mate that is with a really nice good looking girl but he cheated on her at the start of their relationship continiously with some absolute mess. She still doesn't know but so many people do......gonna be a mess when it all comes out

humbert · 19-12-2007 08:34PM

It depends on the circumstances. Basically if it was highly out of character and not symptomatic of other problems there's often a strong argument for letting it go unmentioned and having a very successful relationship. On the other hand I wouldn't want to be wasting time with someone who didn't think enough of me not go shag someone else.

From reading the various threads in PI the one thing that does stand out is that the bitter emotionally immature internet nerd stereotype isn't entirely inaccurate yet.

MagicMarker · 19-12-2007 08:43PM

vorbis wrote: »

eh rb_ie what more consequences could there be than a break up????

If you want the relationship to continue then don't tell your partner. All telling your partner does is probably end the relationship and relieve your own guilt. Live with the guilt if you want to keep the relationship going.

I don't buy into that argument about relieving one’s own guilt.

If I cheated, telling my other half certainly wouldn’t relieve any guilt I have! In fact, it would probably make me feel a whole lot worse.

I could just as easily say not telling is an easy way out instead of taking responsibility for your actions.

CathyMoran · 19-12-2007 08:44PM

I think that honesty is the best policy, there is life after cheating but it takes a LOT of work.

RAFC · 19-12-2007 09:05PM

For someone to cheat in the first place, they must not be happy with what they've got - so fess up and clear out.

I'd rather know if my hubby cheated on me - yeah it would be 16yrs down the drain, but do I really want to be with someone who doesn't think enough of me to be faithful.

And anyway, what good would he be to me without his manhood after I finish with him

:)

TerrorFirmer · 19-12-2007 10:38PM

CathyMoran wrote: »

I think that honesty is the best policy, there is life after cheating but it takes a LOT of work.

Ditto.

thefinalstage · 19-12-2007 10:40PM

Do not tell her. Why try to relieve your own guilt onto your wife/partner?

She may be blissfully unaware and you will shatter her happiness just to help yourself.

MagicMarker · 20-12-2007 12:05AM

thelastangryman wrote: »

Do not tell her. Why try to relieve your own guilt onto your wife/partner?

She may be blissfully unaware and you will shatter her happiness just to help yourself.

How will telling her help himself? Like i said i don't believe it would relieve any guilt at all.

The people who say this seem to think that the cheater is being selfish by telling the truth! Where as not telling is by far the easy way out and helps no one but the cheater in question, because then they don't have to deal with their own actions. This is far far more selfish imo.

daveirl · 20-12-2007 12:25AM

This post has been deleted.

MIN2511 · 20-12-2007 12:48AM

CathyMoran wrote: »

I think that honesty is the best policy, there is life after cheating but it takes a LOT of work.

Easier said than done!
Is honesty really the best policy?

drunken night cheat = not tell
affair = relationship over
kiss/snog/makeout = not cheating

what you dont know wont hurt you

Mossy Monk · 20-12-2007 12:54AM

I would say yes to this thread.

MagicMarker · 20-12-2007 12:56AM

MIN2511 wrote: »

kiss/snog/makeout = not cheating

A what now?

WhiteWashMan · 20-12-2007 01:06AM

MIN2511 wrote: »

Easier said than done!
Is honesty really the best policy?
drunken night cheat = not tell

affair = relationship over

kiss/snog/makeout = not cheating

what you dont know wont hurt you

i see no difference between your first and third option tbh.

MIN2511 · 20-12-2007 01:12AM

Very true whitewashman:D

Magicmaker, if we considered kiss/snog as cheating then wan**** to Pam Anderson is cheating...

Stabshauptmann · 20-12-2007 01:12AM

poorly expressed, but I infer 1 and 2 involve sex while 3 doesnt.

Kissing someone is, presumably, a momentary lapse (3) whereas sleeping with them is a conscious thing.

Agamemnon · 20-12-2007 01:14AM

A drunken once-off should be forgotten - telling your partner won't do either of you any good. Your guilt is your punishment and you should learn from your mistakes.

Having a relationship with someone else on the side is a different story though - then your "official" relationship is a sham and you should admit it and break up.

MagicMarker · 20-12-2007 01:19AM

MIN2511 wrote: »

Very true whitewashman:D

Magicmaker, if we considered kiss/snog as cheating then wan**** to Pam Anderson is cheating...

I have no idea what you're trying to say here.

I think the majority of people would class kissing as cheating, but that's not what this thread is about.

WhiteWashMan · 20-12-2007 01:42AM

MIN2511 wrote: »

Very true whitewashman:D

Magicmaker, if we considered kiss/snog as cheating then wan**** to Pam Anderson is cheating...

Kind sir. I feel you may have misinterpreted my meaning.

I think that both option 1 and option 3 are both cheating.

By the way, I don't agree either that a 'conscious' decision is necessarily true either. Being extremely drunk does make for rational on conscious decision making.
I'm not saying its an excuse, but lets face it, real world experience has taught me that people do very strange and silly things sometimes, that are neither rational or conscious.

Latchy · 20-12-2007 01:52AM

There are people who will cheat ,and people who want to cheat but the occasion hasn't arrived for some yet .

I somtimes look at the problems page on wimmins mags (partner leaves them around

..... and the amount of cheating going on there, you do have to ask if they make these up to fill the gossip colums in these mags/papers ? .

The hurt of a cheating partner must be unmeasurable i would think .Thankfully it hasnt happend to me .

dSTAR · 20-12-2007 04:47AM

I think the word 'cheating' is loaded with moralistic value judgments.

What gives anyone the right to say that another person belongs exclusively to them? It is sheer folly to expect that one person can embody all the sexual qualities and meet all of the needs of the other person.

For instance I really love anal and double penetration but my current girlfriend doesn't. So isn't the obvious solution to seek out a couple of people that can satisfy this sexual longing if my girlfriend can't provide it? Of course if she wants to participate as a spectator she is more than welcome but it doesn't give here a right to deny me this pleasure.

Most people respond with the typical Oh my god .. what a loser. Dump his ass Melrose Place style reaction. No wonder there are so many goddamed unhappy relationships everywhere. Variety is the spice of life.

Wossack · 20-12-2007 10:09AM

If you're looking to fulful this need of yours behind her back, then yes, thats cheating. The rest of your post is rather irrelevent.

Solarball10 · 20-12-2007 12:11PM

dSTAR wrote: »

I think the word 'cheating' is loaded with moralistic value judgments.

What gives anyone the right to say that another person belongs exclusively to them? It is sheer folly to expect that one person can embody all the sexual qualities and meet all of the needs of the other person.

For instance I really love anal and double penetration but my current girlfriend doesn't. So isn't the obvious solution to seek out a couple of people that can satisfy this sexual longing if my girlfriend can't provide it? Of course if she wants to participate as a spectator she is more than welcome but it doesn't give here a right to deny me this pleasure.

Most people respond with the typical Oh my god .. what a loser. Dump his ass Melrose Place style reaction. No wonder there are so many goddamed unhappy relationships everywhere. Variety is the spice of life.

Ok - for one thing - if you're in a relationship it's a given that the people involved will be faithful to each other (unless they agree on an open relationship!) If you don't like the concept of one person "belonging" to another, then don't be in a relationship!

Secondly - I can understand your frustrations about your g/f not liking the same sexual things as you - does she just refuse to do it point blank? If so, you could try reach a compromise, eg. she do it once a fortnight/month/year(lol) and if she doesn't agree to that....well, before you do start looking elsewhere i'd suggest ending the relationship!

OP - Always best to fess up i'd say - these things usually come out eventually!

And kissing IS cheating.

Quality · 20-12-2007 12:13PM

Take it to the grave with you....

Terry · 20-12-2007 12:18PM

I've a good story about this.
I'll tell you later.

Cheating partners - is honesty the best policy?

Should a cheater fess up? 148 votes

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