How do you clean your bum?

HelterSkelter · 22-10-2007 10:21am #1

This is something I've wondered about for a while now. Why do we wipe our arse with paper after taking a dump? I mean, if you accidentally got **** on your hand would you clean it off with paper? No, you would most likely use warm water and soap? So why then use paper on your bum?!! I have started using water instead of toilet paper and find it a lot cleaner.

kev_s88 · 22-10-2007 10:43am

definitely with paper.no other option for me

two question though... how do you get the water up there with enough pressure to clean anything??? and do you dry yourself off afterwards??

HelterSkelter · 22-10-2007 10:45am

kev_s88 wrote: »

definitely with paper.no other option for me

two question though... how do you get the water up there with enough pressure to clean anything??? and do you dry yourself off afterwards??

You keep a little jug beside the toilet and fill it from the tap. And yeah, use the toilet paper to dry off.

Tigger · 22-10-2007 10:46am

kev_s88 wrote: »

definitely with paper.no other option for me

two question though... how do you get the water up there with enough pressure to clean anything??? and do you dry yourself off afterwards??

bye kev

MicraBoy · 22-10-2007 10:47am

And how do you apply said water from said jug?

ScumLord · 22-10-2007 10:52am

Just use your hands to get a Thorough clean your going to wash them anyway. You could use wet paper but it'll have to be bounty you don't want to have lumps of toilet paper stuck to your arse hairs.

super_furry · 22-10-2007 11:01am

Can I get a ruling on the use of 'YORE MA!" here?

Slow Motion · 22-10-2007 11:20am

Ah the old toilet threads have appeared again :rolleyes: Been a couple of weeks. Roll on the how many dumps a day/is yours hard or soft/ how long does it take you...........:rolleyes:

Mr. CooL ICE · 22-10-2007 11:30am

To be honest, we shouldn't need to wipe our arses. If we all had a strict diet that covered each type of nutrition we needed, it would cause us to be regular AND have the type of sh1t where you sit down, don't squeeze, and let nature take its course.

How many dogs do you see taking a dump and wiping afterwards? We need to be more like dogs.

TerrorFirmer · 22-10-2007 11:32am

LordChessington wrote: »

How many dogs do you see taking a dump and wiping afterwards? We need to be more like dogs.

And roam carelessly, sniffing ass, running in the wind, lapping our own testicles, with **** caked down our ass, not a care in the world? Brilliant. I'm in.

ongarite · 22-10-2007 11:33am

Dogs lick their hole then afterwards, don't want to see us doing that..

GhostInTheRuins · 22-10-2007 11:37am

LordChessington wrote: »

How many dogs do you see taking a dump and wiping afterwards? We need to be more like dogs.

My dog wipes her arse in the grass afterwards.

Tigger · 22-10-2007 11:37am

LordChessington wrote: »

To be honest, we shouldn't need to wipe our arses. If we all had a strict diet that covered each type of nutrition we needed, it would cause us to be regular AND have the type of sh1t where you sit down, don't squeeze, and let nature take its course.

How many dogs do you see taking a dump and wiping afterwards? We need to be more like dogs.

wrong wrong wrong

its because animals hace an inner bit that pops out deposits the movement then pops back in

now stop with this crap

Tigger · 22-10-2007 11:38am

D.T. Jesus wrote: »

My dog wipes her arse in the grass afterwards.

then she needs her anal glands cleared
not joiking she'll be mouch more comfy

FlutterinBantam · 22-10-2007 11:41am

A brisk application of a rough face cloth is yer man.

shifts all the fresh stuff and old winnits and leaves the the freckle shining like a new two euro coin.

If yer in a strange gaff just fold up the cloth and Bob's yer uncle,fresh as a daisy.

Dizzyblonde · 22-10-2007 11:45am

Treat yourself and buy a packet of Andrex moist toilet tissues - they come in an airtight plastic box that you can place on your cistern.

'Because you're worth it'

GhostInTheRuins · 22-10-2007 11:47am

rbd wrote: »

then she needs her anal glands cleared
not joiking she'll be mouch more comfy

Naw, I'm sure she'll be grand. Really.

FlutterinBantam · 22-10-2007 11:47am

Tks for that tip

Tigger · 22-10-2007 11:49am

D.T. Jesus wrote: »

Naw, I'm sure she'll be grand. Really.

thats cool i though you were being faecious

HelterSkelter · 22-10-2007 11:49am

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

Treat yourself and buy a packet of Andrex moist toilet tissues - they come in an airtight plastic box that you can place on your cistern.

'Because you're worth it'

Actually if you wipe with toilet paper as you normally would, then use one of these wipes, you will see how much actually gets left behind....yuk!

kev_s88 · 22-10-2007 11:57am

just use something fluffy like a rabbit.

thats bound to pick up most of the left behinds

bman · 22-10-2007 12:44pm

kev_s88 wrote: »

just use something fluffy like a rabbit.

If I'm going using an animal I find hedgehogs the best. Adds an air of excitment to the process.

Reku · 22-10-2007 12:50pm

"How do I clean my bum?"
Thoroughly! Enough said!:cool:

Jesus Wept · 22-10-2007 12:58pm

Wheel out the guy who takes a shower everytime he takes a dump.

Red Hand · 22-10-2007 1:27pm

The-Rigger wrote: »

Wheel out the guy who takes a shower everytime he takes a dump.

Hmmmm...don't many toilets in Japan have a little shower installed in them?

Thats alot of guys to wheel out.:)

Dave! · 22-10-2007 3:10pm

Was this not closed earlier...?

FlutterinBantam · 22-10-2007 3:11pm

No!

mac123 · 22-10-2007 3:53pm

in thailand and other parts of asia most toilets have a hose to wash your bits with, its weird at first but u get used to it and it seems cleaner!

FlutterinBantam · 22-10-2007 4:25pm

Bits!!!??

philstar · 22-10-2007 4:52pm

any posh people out there with a vidae...or has anyone used them in the past...do they work??

Or do you still have to wipe your hole afterwards??

Ghost Train · 22-10-2007 5:00pm

philstar wrote: »

any posh people out there with a vidae...or has anyone used them in the past...do they work??

Or do you still have to wipe your hole afterwards??

bidet i think you mean... handy yoks

i think the Japanese have it right with their high tech toilets that do the lot

dame · 22-10-2007 5:12pm

I don't care how anyone cleans their bum as long as they do clean it, do so in a hygienic manner and wash their hands afterwards.

Ghost Train · 22-10-2007 5:24pm

dame wrote: »

I don't care how anyone cleans their bum as long as they do clean it, do so in a hygienic manner and wash their hands afterwards.

*borrows dames toothbrush*

MooseJam · 22-10-2007 5:40pm

I voted water by mistake

dame · 22-10-2007 5:45pm

eolhc wrote: »

*borrows dames toothbrush*

:eek::eek::eek:Eeeuw, you filthy animal!!!!!!! :eek::eek::eek:

Have a virtual smack-bottom!

Thomas_S_Hunterson · 22-10-2007 5:56pm

philstar wrote: »

any posh people out there with a vidae...

lol...No never used a bidet but i've been tempted to many a time....

MooseJam · 22-10-2007 6:00pm

if theres no loo roll i used a towel, can be a bit awkward explaining the stains

22-10-2007 6:01pm

I have a mate who has a bidet. The thing freaks him out! So they keep all their cleaning products in it instead!! I'd love a bidet, defo gives ya that "fresh feeking"!

leninbenjamin · 22-10-2007 6:02pm

where's the option for dockleaf?

Washout · 22-10-2007 6:07pm

MooseJam wrote: »

if theres no loo roll i used a towel, can be a bit awkward explaining the stains

literally dry vomits reading this

Dun laoire · 22-10-2007 6:13pm

FlutterinBantam wrote: »

Bits!!!??

He must be a wiper downer. Imagine sh1t stuck to your ballbag. Thats wrong man!

Dalfiatach · 22-10-2007 6:23pm

I tend to need a dump either first thing in the morning or around now in the evening time. So I have a dump, use a bit of paper, then have a shower - and if it's the evening, head out for an pint safe in the knowledge me arse and tackle are clean.

I do it that way cos once I used one of them moist wipe thingies in somebody else's gaff and was shocked at the amount left behind by ordinary paper :eek:

The Bollox · 22-10-2007 6:32pm

Sean_K wrote: »

lol...No never used a bidet but i've been tempted to many a time....

I took a shít in a bidet before, got rid of the middleman

Outer Bongolia · 22-10-2007 7:56pm

just use your hands and then lick them clean. There's no point wasting a load of water

Capt'n Midnight · 22-10-2007 9:26pm

Tip
Ladies don't forget front to back.

A bidet and using cleaning stuff with euclyptus leaves you feeling refreshed

cazzy · 22-10-2007 9:32pm

HelterSkelter wrote: »

You keep a little jug beside the toilet and fill it from the tap. And yeah, use the toilet paper to dry off.

I think maybe you should invest in a beeday (spelt wrong no doubt never was good at French) if thats your preference. It would be a bit more hygienic than a jug. What do you do when you're not at home ?????

Oman · 22-10-2007 9:46pm

oh sweet jesus 5 people, so far, use water

Binomate · 22-10-2007 9:59pm

Three shells.

Pj! · 22-10-2007 10:11pm

mac123 wrote: »

in thailand and other parts of asia most toilets have a hose to wash your bits with, its weird at first but u get used to it and it seems cleaner!

I'll second that. If the hose has decent pressure it's a great job. Much better than paper.

Not up to the 'jug' idea though.

Capt'n Midnight · 22-10-2007 10:33pm

Binomate wrote: »

Three shells.

Feck Arse Gob****e

The Bollox · 22-10-2007 11:54pm

if all other methods fail then resort to the Arnold Rimmer approach: one up, one down and one to polish

How do you clean your bum?

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