Fella can't row without walking out

LegacyUser

I don't have the solution for either of ye, but it really does sound like you're both a bit off the wall and to be honest I don't know why people like yourselves stick together for years... I thought couples were meant to be, by and large, at peace with one another. At least that's my experience with my own lady. Yet I know several people just like you, who for some daft reason stay together for years, yet they'd be fecking and blinding at one another generally when all of us are watching...

The world has gone mad I tell ya. Mad altogether.

Clairecluck

Any word from him yet endoftheline? I'd kill him

LegacyUser

BaZmO* wrote:

And yet again another person on the internet throws a hissy fit when the advice they've asked for on a forum goes against what they wanted to hear.

And yet another person closes their eyes to the facts of the situation, which include behaviour so patently out of line a member of my bf's own family has stated she "would not tolerate" what she has witnessed.

Believe whatever suits you, based on whatever groundless assumptions you can dream up. I'm living this, so I know what's happening here.

Maple

bloody hell lady :eek:

i don't think its that people are supporting him, its just that they are questioning your behavior as well. Obviously you just want to be told that you're right regardless of the situation. You're not willing to take on board that you might actually be at fault as well. You've come up with excuse after excuse, the latest one being your illness, not to take people's suggestions on board.

just dump him. easiest option all around.

Maple

bloody hell lady :eek:

i don't think its that people are supporting him, its just that they are questioning your behavior as well. Obviously you just want to be told that you're right regardless of the situation. You're not willing to take on board that you might actually be at fault as well. You've come up with excuse after excuse, the latest one being your illness, not to take people's suggestions on board.

just dump him. easiest option all around.

LegacyUser

Clairecluck wrote:

Any word from him yet endoftheline? I'd kill him

No, none Clairecluck. I'm moving away from the feeling of anger now, and towards the feeling of resignation - to the fact that he is an arsehole and really not worth my time. He'll be in for a shock when he calls in two/three weeks time and finds that my mobile number is not operational anymore.

Clairecluck

she is totally in the right! A cranky remark doesn't justify days of silence- what age is he? sounds like his little mammy let him away with far too much, if he was a child i'd slap him

LegacyUser

maple wrote:

bloody hell lady :eek:

i don't think its that people are supporting him, its just that they are questioning your behavior as well. Obviously you just want to be told that you're right regardless of the situation. You're not willing to take on board that you might actually be at fault as well. You've come up with excuse after excuse, the latest one being your illness, not to take people's suggestions on board.

just dump him. easiest option all around.

Maple, I've stated more than once on this thread that we were both at fault. But the disparity is that my portion of the blame began and ended on the night, while he's still displaying his the better part of a week on. It's pissing me off that people can defend that type of behaviour as rational. It's exactly the sort of excuse I'd be hearing from him, were I to give him the chance to voice it, which I wont this time because I've been through this BS literally DOZENS of times over the years. If I even disagree with something he believes it's enough to send him off sulking for weeks!!! How the hell is that normal or acceptable behaviour?! I dont know about anyone else, but it's total infantile MADNESS to me.

LegacyUser

Clairecluck wrote:

she is totally in the right! A cranky remark doesn't justify days of silence- what age is he? sounds like his little mammy let him away with far too much, if he was a child i'd slap him

Thank you Clairecluck. He's almost forty, which is the most pathetic element in this equation, and yeah, his mammy wiped his arse for him once too often from what I can make out. She should have called him Peter Pan. How appropriate - the little boy who never grew up!

BaZmO*

Clairecluck wrote:

she is totally in the right! A cranky remark doesn't justify days of silence- what age is he? sounds like his little mammy let him away with far too much, if he was a child i'd slap him

What age is she? She's at the age where she thinks it's ok to tell her boyfriend not to visit her for a week because she's given smoking.

LegacyUser

BaZmO* wrote:

What age is she? She's at the age where she thinks it's ok to tell her boyfriend not to visit her for a week because she's given smoking.

I'm not going to defend my right to sever ties with people who are smoking for a short time while I'm trying to quit, and frankly cant understand why you'd expect me to. Would you advise a heroin addict to do their cold turkey in a shooting gallery? You obviously dont know much about the nature of addiction and the role influence plays in it.

sobriquet

endoftheline123 wrote:

Obviously some people would rather believe it's all my fault and question how I'd dare tell him to f-off. That's working on the assumption that his speech to me isn’t often as strongly worded. I don’t know why some people would assume that, but I guess assumption is all too common on anonymous internet boards.

Well I, for one, made no assumption. However, given that he's the one that walks out on the rows, that strongly implies that he's not inclined to that type of arguing and doesn't feel it worthwhile. That begs the question why, and given that your attitude to verbal abuse appears to me to be quite flippant I offered the point above.

endoftheline123 wrote:

I think I'll take my issues to people who know us and are familiar with both our personalities and the situation in future. It leaves much less room for those sort of unhelpful misplaced assumptions.

Good idea, that may very well help you. Now, these misplaced assumptions you mention come from the fact that it's a bloody web board and we've only got one side of the story: yours. So what harm if we want to clarify things? Simply hand-waving contrary opinions and comments doesn't help you reach a resolution.

For what it's worth, you're right, five days worth of silence is worrying. Nevertheless, simply stating that doesn't solve anything, but asking for more information and offering points of view that may offer insight in your and his behaviour might.

LegacyUser

endoftheline123 wrote:

We had made plans for him to spend the night in mine, but I'd forgotten all about it, had been feeling very ill and had hardly slept the night before, so when he came on the phone wanting to know what the story was I asked him what he was on about. He seemed really off with me and just huffed "It's ok, I'll stay where I am". Then it hit me that we'd made plans, so I said "No, I'll come over and pick you up", then he says "No, you're alright, I'll stay here" (all smart-arsed type attitude on him), so I says "Well then stay there if that's your f**k*ing attitude", so anyway things went from bad to worse the following day in text, and he informed me it was "the end".

This was your fault. You cursed at him on the phone and pissed him off. No wonder he doesn't want to see you right now, you can't be so insensitive with him. He probably feels rejected that you forgot and then got even more defensive when you told him to **** himself basically by telling him to stay where he was.

Later that day he ignored a couple of phonecalls and a text, which I found really hurtful. I havent contacted him since. So now three days have gone by and I'm scared stiff it really is "the end", but I know better than to call him, I reckon he does need that bit of thinking time you were talking about and that this is something he has to work out in his own mind, and when (if??) he does pick up the phone again I'm just going to really have to control my tongue (because I know what I'd LIKE to say to him!) but seriously, it's about time we got this nonsense sorted out and I know that cant be done by flipping out over it. I do realise that this is all very juvenile sh!t, but believe it or not we're both in our thirties!

You are the root of all this. You are wrecking his head. You seem really bossy with your "I know what i'd like to say to him" but fact of the matter is, if you were not wrecking his head, he wouldn't be all defensive and not want to see you now would he?

seamus

endoftheline123 wrote:

He'll be in for a shock when he calls in two/three weeks time and finds that my mobile number is not operational anymore.

This is not a hostile reply, but if he's almost forty and I'm assuming you are too (or I'm assuming you're at least older than 25), and this is the kind of way that the relationship is working, then leave it now and save yourselves some hassle.

Any relationship that's permeated with extended periods of what can only be described as utter hatred for the other person's actions (that's what your posts display) can't be good for either party's health (mental or physical).

LegacyUser

I've just read the entire thread. The OP is a ****ing nutcase. A mentalist. Lost the ****ing plot.

you keep blaming your boyfriend, your by and large at fault...and with that sort of behaviour, you can expect many more years of living alone.

Happy Birthday! http://www.centralmentalhospital.ie/en/

Wibbs

Harsh from cheesedude maybe, but therein lies an element of truth. Work on your own actions first before jumping to blame him. Fix yourself in the areas you need to as your the only one that can and all you can really do is fix yourself anyway. I'll be honest on re-reading your posts, if it was me you would have got your marching orders for good, not for a few weeks either. I'm fairly easy going but disrespectful harpy behaviour gets short shrift in my book.

LegacyUser

cheesedude wrote:

He probably feels rejected that you forgot and then got even more defensive when you told him to **** himself basically by telling him to stay where he was.

You read the whole thread, yeah? Did you speed read your way through it? Because if you read it while paying any kind of attention you'd know it was him who first said he'd stay where he was.

I'm done with this thread - talk crap all you want. If I've any more questions I'll head over to his sister who's known him for 39 years.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote:

I'll be honest on re-reading your posts, if it was me you would have got your marching orders for good, not for a few weeks either. I'm fairly easy going but disrespectful harpy behaviour gets short shrift in my book.

Well then he's lucky you're not in my shoes Wibbs, otherwise he'd have gotten his marching orders years ago. Bye everyone.

muppetkiller

I think the problem is that the men here are giving you their opinions based on your actions and the fact that it was your last night together before the week break. You forgot about it and from you bf's reaction he's used to it.

Nothing you can say here will help your case as we see the facts you've presented and your not looking like the innocent party in this case.

We may have it wrong and your boyfriend is an ass but from what we think he's the lesser of the two evils.

I have a funny feeling too that one conversation you'll have with your boyfriend if you do get in contact again will be how he was so insensitive ignoring you on the week you tried to give up smoking....and again he'll go walking.

Agreed he's 40 and shouldn't be acting like this. But then again you come across as a spoilt teenager who isn't getting her way. Sorry if that offends but there's nothing constructive in your posts to suggest any relationship maturity. You say you've called and texted ...why haven't you physically met him at his home ? Or have you locked yourself away to give up the fags ?

Wibbs

endoftheline123 wrote:

Well then he's lucky you're not in my shoes Wibbs, otherwise he'd have gotten his marching orders years ago. Bye everyone.

Interesting. You read my post and assumed I was talking about being in your shoes not his.

muppetkiller

endoftheline123 wrote:

Well then he's lucky you're not in my shoes Wibbs, otherwise he'd have gotten his marching orders years ago. Bye everyone.

Are you unable to row and walking out lol

Wibbs

endoftheline123 wrote:

I'm done with this thread - talk crap all you want. If I've any more questions I'll head over to his sister who's known him for 39 years.

Petulant to boot. You sound like both of you need some growing up if you're having rants like stroppy teenagers. And he's 40?!!!Unless he's cradle snatching you must be well past the age of reason too. The mind truly boggles

LegacyUser

endoftheline123 wrote:

You read the whole thread, yeah? Did you speed read your way through it? Because if you read it while paying any kind of attention you'd know it was him who first said he'd stay where he was.

I'm completely aware he said it first and can you blame him? You totally forgot and made him feel rejected and then told him to go **** himself basically...

Go look in the mirror and have a few words with yourself...

It's like you are dying for people to agree with you...but your in the wrong. Totally and whether you know it or not, you have not dumped him, he has had enough and walked out on you...he may or may not be back in the future...but he has basically given you an ultimatum whether you know it or not to sort yourself out or **** off.

1maDrtbg

Marksie wrote:

K.O.L: Please read the charter as regards personal abuse.

It may help if you also read the details of the thread.

Homo

Marksie

1Madrtbag: Banned, personal abuse

AngryBadger

endoftheline123 wrote:

Obviously some people would rather believe it's all my fault and question how I'd dare tell him to f-off.

No it's working on the proposition that you usually react like this, a proposition that you put forward yourself in an earlier posting.

endoftheline123 wrote:

That's working on the assumption that his speech to me isn’t often as strongly worded. I don’t know why some people would assume that, but I guess assumption is all too common on anonymous internet boards.

OR if you don't tell people EXACTLY what happens then they're forced to assess things based on half the facts.

According to you he rang to see what the story was, you had compeltely forgotten about the night, and he was pissed off so decided he'd stay where he was, so you told him to F off. No-one's denying that your bf needs to grow up, but some of us are saying your own response to the situation needs a lash of maturity as well.

seanieboy77

im a man and im having the same experience with my girlfriend every time we have even the most trivial of arguments she just loses it and goes off in a huff.

sometimes i dont see her for about 2 months then its all tears and says sorry to me.

Im in the same age bracket as the writer of this post and i know exactly where shes coming from. you just can't reason with irrationality.
I've been with this woman for 4 years and 3 of them have been great. She lived in my house for 2 years while she was saving for a mortgage for her own place so she has her place now and i have mine and we go to each others houses and to have our own space.

she always was a bit irrational in her arguments and i always have found it pretty hard to understand where she was coming from but i have always listened to her no matter what she was saying even though i felt the whole subject might be a bit off the wall.

but in the 4th year i think shes lost the plot completely in the sense that she seems so domineering in the way she behaves. I just hate the way she drinks wine she could consume up to 2 bottles and can get very agressive to the point that she would fire stuff at you.

now im pretty cool headed and i stay quiet until all this happens then i start to shout at her as i find her so uncontrolable then she just shows me the door asks for her key back for the house. then the following morning she wont answer phonecalls or txts and if she does txt back its abusive in the extreme and she just disappears for maybe 2 months sometimes 1 month.

there actually is a pattern to it in fact i could actually guess the last time she came back as myself and my friends had €10 on it.

Its frustrating as weve been together for so long and the irrational behaviour just seems to take over. This year alone she left me on Christmas day and didnt come back until the end of february when i accidentally met her on the street she became abusive while drunk and fell unknowingly dropping her mobile phone. she called the cops and my mother out of bed and a few neighbours to say that i had bet her up.

The gardai didnt take her too serious but its scary for me when she rang me up she was all tears and wanted me back and started telling me her father was sick and that was on her mind so i took her back then she left me may again and insulted her best friend like she does with me and gave me 3 stitches for no reason her friend seen it happen and i was delighted cause it really showed she was under pressure of some sort.

she came back later in the month telling me her father was dying and that she knew it for months upon months and i let everything go what she done to me and took her back.

she then admitted to me that she has been depressed for some time and felt like losing control quite a lot and said not to take any notice of her but i have no choice only to take notice of her.

so i help her with her father when he was sick but hes dead now since last week and shes so treated me like dirt out at the house when i was there i know her father is dead but it doesnt make any sense blaming me she fought with me on the night of her fathers funeral and then it went quiet

her brother came home and he was in a good enough mood but she told him that i turned over there fathers flower pots and in fact i did not

he took a pitch fork to me and threatened me while she sat in the kitchen and told me to leave even though i had a lot of drink taken and i had to drive home she let me drive home in that condition i had no choice.

since its been silence and difficult she asked for the keys back but i never got mine back im just wondering why i just take all this stuff from her

BaZmO*

Wake up and smell the restraining order buddy!! What are you doing even associating with this loon? Change your locks and forget about her. She really sounds unstable.

K-9

BaZmO* wrote:

Wake up and smell the restraining order buddy!! What are you doing even associating with this loon? Change your locks and forget about her. She really sounds unstable.

Agreed tough about the father and all but change the locks and do not answer the phone again to her. Read your post again and ask yourself, why would you consider going back.

The brother bit was hilarious though! He sounds as bad as her.

Seriously stop wasting your life.

Loomis

endoftheline123:
I didn't read beyond the second page because the pattern was the same and I didn't see it changing for a third. Take a step back from this and re-read people's advice to you.
Like them I'm not insulting you. No one said you were completely to blame. They said you were at fault. And you were. Forgetting about a special night you had planned it pretty hurtful irrespective of your reasons for forgetting. Just because you didn't mean to doesn't change the fact you did and obviously hurt him in the process. Like others have said my initial reaction to it would be "I'll stay where I am" also. Just because I'd be a little let down that you forgot. What you should have done was say how sorry you were, why it happened, that you still really want to meet up and what time would you collect him? From his point he hears you forgot about your night together and then when he's already feeling down you ripped into him f'ing and blinding. Honestly, I think he was justified in ignoring you for a while. I'm not saying you should have to run after him, but you hurt him and so it's up to him when he wants to talk again and you have to give him that space, as hard and annoying as it is.
Saying he runs away is childish and annoys you is fine. It is in a way. But it is how men are; I can't describe to you how much I hate fighting. It happened a lot in my last relationship and I put up with a lot in it. As others have said men will put up with pretty much anything, and I did, but I couldn't take the fighting. This has effected how I act with my current girlfriend. She wants to talk things through whereas I want to take some time to myself. This just fuels the argument because it starts an entire new fight. When I do step back and then come back to it the next day we are both much calmer and resolve things better. Again, I know it irritates you that he does it, but you have to put up with it. Because when he does come round and you are both talking calmly that is the time you bring up your issues.
You have been given advice from people and you're taking it as an attack on you. It's really not the case. It just compounds the points people have made; you're as bad as he is. You call his running away childish - I call your "next time I'll ask people who know us better" childish. (it's actually better that we know neither of you because we can trully give an unbiased view but that's an aside) You didn't get what you wanted to hear and threw a strop. That's just how it is. I have an awful time admitting I'm wrong. And you clearly have the same problem. Everyone reading this thread can see it; none moreso than myself. You're getting your back up because you're taking what people say as attacks. And your attitude is turned defensive and huffy. Which is what you hate in your boyfriend. Perhaps you annoy him with this behaviour as much as he annoys you. Think about that.