Fella can't row without walking out

LegacyUser

Hi there, here's my problem: Every time me and my bf have a row he either goes on his merry way and ignores me for days or else announces flat out "It's over". Usually he'll pull the ignoring stunt, but a couple of times over the years he's gone with "It's over". We're in an "It's over" phase at the moment and I'm just so pissed off with this I dont know what to do or say.

We've had a fair few fiery rows lately and I reckon he's just had enough of the arguing. So have I, as it happens. When we're happy (which is most of the time) we're blissfully happy, only problem really is he just cant seem to argue without either bogging off and sulking like a two year old, or deciding that the relationship is over. When he does decide we're done he behaves no differently than if he'd taken option one in the first place - he just sulks for a few days and then he's back on the phone. We dont live together so I guess that makes this type of BS easier to pull.

This has just become so increadibly frustrating for me. I'd appreciate any advice on how to deal with it, or better yet, put a stop to it!

I love him to bits. He's funny, sexy, kind and decent and the only real flaw I can think of is the one I'm telling you all about now - so what do I do???

(please no nasty comments by the way, this has been going on three days now and I'm feeling very raw)

Thanks in advance.

davyjose

I read somewhere - just this morning - that women need to talk their emotions through, whereas men process their feelings in an entirely different way. This quite often means walking away to think things out.
The "were over" thing is similar. I can say I've pulled similar in my time. I think really its just the most efficient (albeit hugely irrational) way for him to distance himself from the situation.
I'm not saying its your fault - it isn't - but perhaps when a problem arises you are quick to challenge him. Maybe try the softly softly approach, and he might open up to you a little more. but I wouldn't be surprised if you are both a little to blame: you use the phrase "he just cant seem to argue without either bogging off and sulking like a two year old, or deciding that the relationship is over" Well what's wrong with not wanting to argue? Would you prefer him to scream and shout?

LegacyUser

That was an increadibly insightful post considering you've never met either of us Davyjose, thank you for that. Yes, you're right, I am quick to challange him. This latest row blew up out of nothing and was really inconsequential in its own right, but on the back of all the other rows we've been having lately I think it was just a step too far, for both of us.

We had made plans for him to spend the night in mine, but I'd forgotten all about it, had been feeling very ill and had hardly slept the night before, so when he came on the phone wanting to know what the story was I asked him what he was on about. He seemed really off with me and just huffed "It's ok, I'll stay where I am". Then it hit me that we'd made plans, so I said "No, I'll come over and pick you up", then he says "No, you're alright, I'll stay here" (all smart-arsed type attitude on him), so I says "Well then stay there if that's your f**k*ing attitude", so anyway things went from bad to worse the following day in text, and he informed me it was "the end".

Later that day he ignored a couple of phonecalls and a text, which I found really hurtful. I havent contacted him since. So now three days have gone by and I'm scared stiff it really is "the end", but I know better than to call him, I reckon he does need that bit of thinking time you were talking about and that this is something he has to work out in his own mind, and when (if??) he does pick up the phone again I'm just going to really have to control my tongue (because I know what I'd LIKE to say to him!) but seriously, it's about time we got this nonsense sorted out and I know that cant be done by flipping out over it. I do realise that this is all very juvenile sh!t, but believe it or not we're both in our thirties!

Does anybody know of any good books focusing on cultivating harmony in a relationship? That'd be a God-send...

Nick_oliveri

endoftheline123 wrote:

Hi there, here's my problem: Every time me and my bf have a row he either goes on his merry way and ignores me for days or else announces flat out "It's over". Usually he'll pull the ignoring stunt, but a couple of times over the years he's gone with "It's over". We're in an "It's over" phase at the moment and I'm just so pissed off with this I dont know what to do or say.

We've had a fair few fiery rows lately and I reckon he's just had enough of the arguing. So have I, as it happens.

Maybe you had too many. You need to find out if this was the last one. Three days of relationship freedom, non responsibility, no arguements and time to think can change a man. Believe me i know.

endoftheline123 wrote:

When we're happy (which is most of the time) we're blissfully happy, only problem really is he just cant seem to argue without either bogging off and sulking like a two year old, or deciding that the relationship is over.

Some cant handle arguments well. You probably dont know how close he might be to flying off the handle during the argument. Its probably better he fecks off and has time to think.

endoftheline123 wrote:

When he does decide we're done he behaves no differently than if he'd taken option one in the first place - he just sulks for a few days and then he's back on the phone. We dont live together so I guess that makes this type of BS easier to pull.

If you lived together you would probably either see him break down during an argument or crack up altogether. He needs time to learn how to argue. Maybe its been the way he has handled arguments down through the years with family or friends. Either that or he couldnt be arsed arguing/ doesnt suit him.

Believe me, if some folks could just stfu and go off on their own for a while it would make things a lot better. The crap ive heard coming from next door from a couple was unnatural, i couldnt believe it. It sounded like a comedy.

Do you bring up old arguements to reinforce your position? This might be the reason he fecks off. I know i cant stand that. And ive got it a few times. My last GF, when we would argue, i'd say my dramatic bit and she'd just sit there and look at me. She couldnt argue. Nothings ever as perfect as you want it. But alas, i tasted my freedom and found i was better off with it.

endoftheline123 wrote:

I love him to bits. He's funny, sexy, kind and decent and the only real flaw I can think of is the one I'm telling you all about now - so what do I do???

Tell him it feels like your relationship isnt progressing, everythings getting bottled up, its confusing you, hes funny, sexy and that you love him to bits, that you want him to try....it takes two baby.

endoftheline123 wrote:

(please no nasty comments by the way, this has been going on three days now and I'm feeling very raw)

Nasty comments in this forum are picked up on and thrown out the door. Mods dont take any sh*t here when it comes to people emotions. Ive posted here before. It helped me get over what ailed me.

Wibbs

Both the previous posters have pretty much nailed it. From a lot of guys perspective a partner arguing can be very hard to deal with at the time. It can be very frustrating as often the guy may either want to walk away and think about it and the woman won't let him, or he's looking for solutions rather than just letting you get it off your chest. It's the usual generalised sex differences guff. Women often look for different solutions to a problem than men. Tyring to keep him there while you vent will just make it worse as he probably feels trapped, hence the whole "it's over" bit. It gives him a definite out of the situation at the time.

Maple

I know how you feel. My partner always high tails it into the horizon when we have an argument whereas I want to discuss it there and then and get it dealt and over with. Try sitting him down and telling him calmly that you find his behavior unsettling and that you'd like to discuss with him a way for you to manage your arguments better.

Wibbs

I agree with maple. The only thing not to do is to try that in the middle of the argument. That will make it worse. Do it after you've both cooled down.

Maple

Wibbs wrote:

I agree with maple. The only thing not to do is to try that in the middle of the argument. That will make it worse. Do it after you've both cooled down.

absolutely, meant to say that in my earlier post.

muppetkiller

endoftheline123 wrote:

We had made plans for him to spend the night in mine, but I'd forgotten all about it, had been feeling very ill and had hardly slept the night before, so when he came on the phone wanting to know what the story was I asked him what he was on about. He seemed really off with me and just huffed "It's ok, I'll stay where I am". Then it hit me that we'd made plans, so I said "No, I'll come over and pick you up", then he says "No, you're alright, I'll stay here" (all smart-arsed type attitude on him), so I says "Well then stay there if that's your f**k*ing attitude", so anyway things went from bad to worse the following day in text, and he informed me it was "the end".

Is this a once off or are you normally like this ? Seems to me like your both as bad as each other in this example and YOU seem to be too quick to ignite. At no point in the phone conversation did you say "oh I'm sorry i completely forgot..i didn't get much sleep last night" instead you state
"No, I'll come over and pick you up" which is confrontational as you start it with "No" ie. your telling him what to do. He then replies with the same line "No" so then the two of of you continue like spoilt little kids both fighting for who is in Control.

Seems to me your too alike and while he may leave the arguement because he knows he can't win. You seem to be unable to admit that your ever wrong.

That's my 2 cents

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. I guess all I can do is let him get around to calling me (yet again - yawn) and talk to him about resolving tension when he does.

Mupperkiller - Yes I'd agree were both as bad as eachother in certain ways, but there really was no need for his childish "I'll stay where I am" BS. I guess he was hurt and insulted I forgot our plans, and in fairness I cant say it wouldnt annoy me, but when I said "No, I'll head down and pick you up" I did say it in a very gentle non confrontational tone, that's half the reason his further stubborness annoyed me so much. The tone of a persons voice says as much as the words, and he clearly ignored my attempt to calm the issue and spend the night together.

It was a bigger deal than a usual night a couple would spend together because he knew of my intention to get off the smokes the following day, and that I cant spend time with smokers while I'm making an attempt, so he knew it was the last night we'd be able to spend together for a week. We'd both discussed that already, so it really did say a lot to me that he'd be willing to discard the last night we had to spend together for a week.

I'm not trying to paint myself as the angel in all of this, I know I'm often at fault too, but the difference is I can and often do admit when I'm wrong, unlike him, and anyway I'm not in a positon to apologise for expressing my annoyance on the night - there's nobody here to admit it to, as he's off sulking as per effin usual! I did explain the following day in text that I'd been sick and hadnt slept, but none of that was good enough for him, because I'd also had the nerve to say that it said a lot to me that he'd discard the last night we'd had to spend together. I guess he took that as further confrontation, but I'd had to make that point and let him know how much it hurt me.

I feel he's just unable or unwilling to work on our relationship, so in light of that I have to ask myself - how much could it be worth to him?

Just another question for anyone who'd like to answer it - how long would you put up with the ignoring sh!te before you assumed you were single???

LegacyUser

Endoftheline its scaring me how much of your situation i've been in before!!
Even down to the getting off the smokes thing!

I don't have much advice for you as when it comes to the ignoring part i've been there too and was looking for advice myself.
Don't contact him again until he contacts you anyway. And he will, believe me. I know this is so hard to do, but please try not to, it seems he is probably getting some sort of satisfaction out of this, someone mentioned in my post that it might be a control thing.
He is probably thinking that you will contact him again anyway so he knows he doesn't have to make the effort. Just stand your ground.

Sorry i don't have more advice, as it stands now my bf came down to me for lunch today and carried on as if nothing happend!
Trust me if you don't contact him he will eventually contact you. I hate suggesting mind games like this but as I see it you don't have any other option other than sit it out and keep yourself busy!
Good luck with it!

Maple

seriously if you want to save your relationship, then communication is key. You guys need to sit down and discuss how you handle arguments. Maybe you need to learn to count to ten before flying off the handle, maybe he needs to learn to count to ten, gather his thoughts and then speak whats on his mind. But at the minute you're both bull thick, convinced that you're individually right and neither are willing to compromise.

You've got to talk to each other. And try not to be whiney or confrontational about it.

LegacyUser

Thanks Maple. Something that is making me feel very resentful here is this - he absolutely KNOWS how much his way of handling rows hurts and annoys me. In fact, at this stage, I reckon he does this not so much in spite of its effects on me, but BECAUSE it annoys me.

Somebody mentioned emotional blackmail on Doesmyheadin's very similar thread, and I reckon that's exactly what this is. With him behaving like this, it's not exactly conducive to creating an atmosphere in which we can work our issues out. Everytime he does this, in the full knowledge of how damaging it is for me emotionally, I just feel a bit more resentful than the last time, and not I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to think about singledom and view it as maybe not such a bad idea after all. I have a feeling someday soon he'll knock on the door and I wont want to see him there.

It's heading in that direction, and that's scary for me, because I really do love him. It's just that love can be poisoned, and resentment, I feel, is exactly the potion required to do the job.

muppetkiller

endoftheline123 wrote:

It was a bigger deal than a usual night a couple would spend together because he knew of my intention to get off the smokes the following day, and that I cant spend time with smokers while I'm making an attempt, so he knew it was the last night we'd be able to spend together for a week. We'd both discussed that already, so it really did say a lot to me that he'd be willing to discard the last night we had to spend together for a week.

What you were giving up smoking so you couldn't see him for a week ?
What kind of nonsense is that ? If he's a smoker and your boyfriend then he'd make dam sure he didn't smoke around you or gave up for a week to help you through it.
I'd be more worried about the strenght of your relationship as to why a boyfriend must leave you for a week because you want to quit smoking ? Do you mind me asking what age you are ?
And as for how long would you put up with the ignoring sh!te before you assumed you were single??? All depends if he's currently accepting your silly week off to get off the smokes thing. If he doesn't touch base in a week your single.

LegacyUser

muppetkiller wrote:

What you were giving up smoking so you couldn't see him for a week ?
What kind of nonsense is that ?

It's the kind of nonsense that has aided me to quit in the past. I dont know if you're addicted to nicotine, but I have been for the guts of twenty years. The only times I've ever managed to stop for any reasonable legnth of time is when I remove myself from the company of smokers compleatly. It's not enough for a smoker to refrain from smoking in my company. The smell of smoke from a persons breath and clothes turns me into Golum after the ring. My boyfriend knows this and understands it compleatly. It is not an issue between us.

Plateau

So on the one hand you forgot he was coming over and on the other hand you were offended when he didn't come over because it was supposed to be special (because you wouldn't be seeing him for a week). So was the night important or not?

The excuse that you were tired or sick sounds a bit weak when it comes to having completely forgotten this special/forgettable night together. Why didn't you just say you were sorry (heartfelt) and then afterwards give him the mitigating reasons of sickness/tiredness. You obviously rubbed him up the wrong way with what you said, and maybe he sees it as yet another symptom of the troubles you've been having.

I agree with what the other poster said about you coming across confrontational. I'm sure your bf has done plenty to annoy you over the last while (and vica versa), and you seem to be fighting like cats and dogs, but the fact was this time you were in the wrong first and foremost (whatever his subsequent attitude) and you should have accepted that clearly as opposed to challenging him.

As for him walking away. If you both deal with arguments differently, don't assume that your way is 'better'.

dodgyme

drivesmemad wrote:

. ...he is probably getting some sort of satisfaction out of this, ....... it might be a control thing.. Just stand your ground.
!

Not all men are the same. It is NOT a control thing, it happens when a guy has no where else to turn in an argument, and if you stand your ground you could be waving bye bye to your relationship. He is not contrary to what the female posters say , getting some satisifaction out of it. My advice is, if you can think of something to resolve the situation, do so.

K.O.L

endoftheline123 wrote:

Hi there, here's my problem: Every time me and my bf have a row he either goes on his merry way and ignores me for days or else announces flat out "It's over". Usually he'll pull the ignoring stunt, but a couple of times over the years he's gone with "It's over". We're in an "It's over" phase at the moment and I'm just so pissed off with this I dont know what to do or say.

We've had a fair few fiery rows lately and I reckon he's just had enough of the arguing. So have I, as it happens. When we're happy (which is most of the time) we're blissfully happy, only problem really is he just cant seem to argue without either bogging off and sulking like a two year old, or deciding that the relationship is over. When he does decide we're done he behaves no differently than if he'd taken option one in the first place - he just sulks for a few days and then he's back on the phone. We dont live together so I guess that makes this type of BS easier to pull.

This has just become so increadibly frustrating for me. I'd appreciate any advice on how to deal with it, or better yet, put a stop to it!

I love him to bits. He's funny, sexy, kind and decent and the only real flaw I can think of is the one I'm telling you all about now - so what do I do???

(please no nasty comments by the way, this has been going on three days now and I'm feeling very raw)

Thanks in advance.

Cmon try getting a girlfriend if that doesnt work get a life you must be doing something wrong obviously your mental

ApeXaviour

endoftheline123 wrote:

We had made plans for him to spend the night in mine, but I'd forgotten all about it, had been feeling very ill and had hardly slept the night before, so when he came on the phone wanting to know what the story was I asked him what he was on about. He seemed really off with me and just huffed "It's ok, I'll stay where I am". Then it hit me that we'd made plans, so I said "No, I'll come over and pick you up", then he says "No, you're alright, I'll stay here" (all smart-arsed type attitude on him), so I says "Well then stay there if that's your f**k*ing attitude", so anyway things went from bad to worse

I'm not surprised, considering how you blew up at him. It's much better to reciprocate sarcasm with humour, and no viperous edge. Failing that, deflect it or count to 10 (in your head) and ignore it. The humour is important though, it'll make him feel ridiculous if he remains sulky, so he won't. It'll diffuse anger and you'll save face. But in this case, no-matter his childish tone, you pissed over the line and turned it into a fight. You had complete control over whether or not that was gonna happen too.

"No, I'll head down and pick you up" I did say it in a very gentle non confrontational tone

I don't know how you could. In the given context if I imagine a woman saying that to me, nomatter how calm/gentle she says it, at the very least it will come across as undermining. Muppetkiller's initial post was very true in this regard, I'd read it again.

I'm not saying you're responsible for his childishness and sulky demeanor. I'm just saying you have the ability to change how ye interact.

Marksie

K.O.L: Please read the charter as regards personal abuse.

It may help if you also read the details of the thread.

DRakE

endoftheline123 wrote:

We had made plans for him to spend the night in mine, but I'd forgotten all about it, had been feeling very ill and had hardly slept the night before, so when he came on the phone wanting to know what the story was I asked him what he was on about. He seemed really off with me and just huffed "It's ok, I'll stay where I am". Then it hit me that we'd made plans, so I said "No, I'll come over and pick you up", then he says "No, you're alright, I'll stay here" (all smart-arsed type attitude on him), so I says "Well then stay there if that's your f**k*ing attitude", so anyway things went from bad to worse the following day in text, and he informed me it was "the end". .

Sounds like you were 100% to blame here. If it was me and the girlfriend said "well stay there if thats your ****ing attitude" i'd hang up the phone instantly.

Guys will put up with ANYTHING as long as they dont have to be drawn into a fight. If women would never start a fight then there would never be a fight.

AngryBadger

As has beens aid already, you're both at fault here.

Your bf probably does need to learn to address stuff a little better. But to be honest you've only given us one example of the kind of arguments you have. Your reading was "ok, he's upset, but I'll pick him up and it'll be fine", completely mising the fact that he did have a right to be slightly pissed there. you also didn't feel the need to explain yourself to him, and then you blew off on him about his "****ing attitude".

My interpretation of his response to that particular event is "she completely forgot about tonight, I'm pissed and don't want to go over" erego "I'll stay where I am".

And then you explode at him.

Also, you're looking for advice about fixing this, but you won't ring him, (even though you agree that both of you are at fault), and you're also wondering when you should start considering yourself single? WTF?

I'd also point out that you're not making much of an effort to understand his take on this. Granted running away from the argument isn't a particularly mature response, but from the sounds of it you're not giving him many options. If every time you get annoyed you start f-ing him out of it no wonder he just ups and leaves.

Talliesin

His behaviour has a good effect and a bad effect.

The good effect is that it stops the row from happening.

Now, this obviously happens at the cost of drawing things out and causing hurt to both of you.

But consider how things can go if nothing brings it to an end. Sure, it could come to a resolution, but maybe also it couldn't especially since you're both in a highly emotional state and have quite likely both abandoned any sort of rational conversation and move into petty point-scoring long ago (certainly, that's my experience of bad rows).

Now, what would be the least bad of both worlds ("best" of both worlds is pushing it) would be if one of you could manage to say "I'm pissed off, you're pissed off, this is going nowhere. I'm leaving this row. I'm not leaving you, but I'm stepping away from all of this until we've both calmed down".

It's not easy, but it is possible, and it's better than saying the relationship is over and sulking.

If you can suggest that some time when things are good between you, maybe he'll do that some times instead of stomping off.

If you do it yourself before it gets to the point where he's stomping then that's still better than the stomping.

LegacyUser

AngryBadger wrote:

you're looking for advice about fixing this, but you won't ring him

That's not true AngryBadger; I called him three times the following day and sent him one text, as I've already said. He ignored the calls and the text, so no, at this stage I'm not going to keep on pandering to his childish sulks. He knows I tried to contact him to sort things out, but couldnt have been bothered responding, so I'm not going to keep running after him as if he were a two year old in a supermarket. When somebody tells you the relationship's over, what do you do? Keep ringing??

AngryBadger wrote:

and you're also wondering when you should start considering yourself single? WTF?

Of course I'm wondering when I ought to start considering myself single. I'm a grown woman and life is too short for this crap. If he's not going to get his act together and grow up I fully intend to move on with my life. The mans heading for forty, for Gods sake, but maybe he'd be better off with a much younger woman who dosent know her arse from her elbow and is prepared to accept these sort of sulks as a normal part of her life. Personally, I'm past that, I am very glad to say.

LegacyUser

drivesmemad wrote:

Endoftheline its scaring me how much of your situation i've been in before!!
Even down to the getting off the smokes thing!

Thanks Drivesmemad; it's nice to have someone fully understand (pity for you your sense of empathy comes from enduring the same BS yourself though! lol) Five days by the way, honey, that's nothing to me! My bloke once dragged this bullsh!t out for THREE WEEKS! He got his arse in gear just in the nick of time because I truly had one foot out of the relationship at that stage. I was actually having the first stirrings of excitement at the thoughts of being single (in between the bouts of bawling!)

The sad thing is I don’t feel I'll be as upset this time. You mentioned earlier in your own thread that your bf was killing your feelings for him with his behaviour; well, mine's doing just the same, and the worst of it is (again, like yourself) I have already told him the damage his behaviour is causing, but he just sails merrily along and does it again anyway.

drivesmemad wrote:

as it stands now my bf came down to me for lunch today and carried on as if nothing happend!

They do that, don’t they, this particular variety of men? It's astonishing to me the way they just play it like everything’s ok now and it's normal to stonewall you for days at a time – pure mental!!!!!

Also, I have to say: I couldn’t care less that some people think my effing him out of it was wrong; there's a big difference between mental and verbal abuse and I know which I'd rather suffer any day.

dodgyme

endoftheline123 wrote:

have already told him the damage his behaviour is causing ......
.

Again you need to look at why this is happening. Trust me it is not one argument, it is a series of things that you are not seeing. You seem only to be on this site for us to say you are right. It is clear to me you dont want to learn from these experiences.

endoftheline123 wrote:

I couldn’t care less that some people think my effing him out of it was wrong;.

Again the stonewalling will happen again with this attitude

endoftheline123 wrote:

there's a big difference between mental and verbal abuse and I know which I'd rather suffer any day.

Nail on the head. He is probably sick of the verbals and then goes silent. There you go. But of course it him that is immature --...mmm sure.

BaZmO*

My reading of the situation is as follows...

You had arranged to meet up with him on a certain night, the week after which you wouldn't be meeting him (you're choice btw) because you can't be around people that smoke. How is this achieved anyway? Do you not go to work for a week and lock yourself in doors? But anyway, he'd agreed to this frankly odd behaviour.

So on the day, he hears nothing from you so he decides to ring you to find out what the story is with this "bigger deal than a usual night a couple would spend together" night and it appears that you had forgotten all about this "bigger deal than a usual night a couple would spend together" night.

Then....

You: “I asked him what he was on about”
Him: "It's ok, I'll stay where I am"
You: "No, I'll come over and pick you up"
Him: "No, you're alright, I'll stay here"
You: "Well then stay there if that's your f**k*ing attitude"

The conversation progressed very quickly from you totally forgetting about this "bigger deal than a usual night a couple would spend together" night (without so much as an apology) into you basically telling him to F**k Off!

If you done that to me I’d ignore your calls the next day too.

If the night was as important as you say it was and it’d be another week before he’d see you and you forgot about it can you not see where he is coming from?

seamus

BaZmO* wrote:

If the night was as important as you say it was and it’d be another week before he’d see you and you forgot about it can you not see where he is coming from?

Indeed, without commenting on much of the rest of the thread, put yourself in his shoes.

Imagine that you had planned a "last" night together - say he was going off on a stag for a week or something. On that day, you ring him. He has clearly forgotten. You'd be a little irritated, right? Then imagine that he blew up at you and told you to **** right off. God, that'd be a pain wouldn't it?

As others have said, I know I'd have hung up right away and let you stew for at least the rest of the night.

A lot of people are very quick to jump on the offensive when they know they're in the wrong. You may both just be that type of person. I've seen it happen all over the place - on the roads, in work - people get embarrassed when they make a mistake, but instead of laughing at themselves and thinking, "Balls, how do I fix this?", they turn angry and take it out on the person that spotted their mistake.

In my experience, the only way to counter this is to ignore it and walk away. It's an irrational reaction, and it's pointless to attempt to talk to an irrational person.

sobriquet

endoftheline123 wrote:

Also, I have to say: I couldn’t care less that some people think my effing him out of it was wrong; there's a big difference between mental and verbal abuse and I know which I'd rather suffer any day.

So it's ok to f*ck and blind someone out of it so long as it's not 'mental' abuse (whatever that is) and there's nothing behind it, as it were? Verbal abuse is just that and he should be able to take it like a man and not make a big deal out of it? (This is also the impression I got reading the thread title for the first time.)

It does seem that there are people who need to act out their feelings, or on another level get off on conflict, it sort of recharges their batteries or they get a kick out of it or whatever, and believe that it's no harm really so long as nothing's 'meant' by it.

Maybe some people are fine with that, either giving or receiving it, but I'm certainly not one of them. Never happens with my family or my friends. I don't do it to anyone, and I don't take it. I think it's juvenile and don't have the patience for it.

Might be worth considering, given your BF regularly walks out on rows, that he's of the same disposition? Thus when it comes to this ye're not on the same wavelength and you need to develop some empathy for his point of view on it.

As to the rest of it, BaZmOs synopsis is how it read to me too.

LegacyUser

'

seamus wrote:

As others have said, I know I'd have hung up right away and let you stew for at least the rest of the night.

We're not talking about a man who lets a woman stew for the rest of the night. We're talking about a man who lets a woman stew for the rest of the month, so I'd ask anyone reading this who's comparing our states of irrationality to bear that in mind please.

seamus wrote:

A lot of people are very quick to jump on the offensive when they know they're in the wrong. You may both just be that type of person. I've seen it happen all over the place - on the roads, in work - people get embarrassed when they make a mistake, but instead of laughing at themselves and thinking, "Balls, how do I fix this?", they turn angry and take it out on the person that spotted their mistake.

I've seen that myself Seamus, but there's no mistake involved in getting ill, spending a sleepless night, and being disorientated enough to momentarily forget plans.

seamus wrote:

In my experience, the only way to counter this is to ignore it and walk away. It's an irrational reaction, and it's pointless to attempt to talk to an irrational person.

Actually he became irrational first, and he did that by sulking like a baby and refusing to spend the night because I'd had the nerve to get sick and forget. I'm not going to go into my physical condition because that's nobodys business but my own, but he knows what it is and how it can affect me and that should have been enough to put the brakes on his selfish and childish behaviour, at least for once.

There is no point debating this ad nauseaum. Obviously some people would rather believe it's all my fault and question how I'd dare tell him to f-off. That's working on the assumption that his speech to me isn’t often as strongly worded. I don’t know why some people would assume that, but I guess assumption is all too common on anonymous internet boards.

I think I'll take my issues to people who know us and are familiar with both our personalities and the situation in future. It leaves much less room for those sort of unhelpful misplaced assumptions. His own sister told me she couldnt put up with his extraordinarily selfish attitude, so I guess for advice that's relevant to the actual situation the place to take this is to people who know us.

Could a mod lock this thread for me now please? We're into day five of his sulking now and his behaviour is difficult enough to deal with without hearing people who've never laid eyes on him defend his ridiculous behaviours. Thanks.'

BaZmO*

And yet again another person on the internet throws a hissy fit when the advice they've asked for on a forum goes against what they wanted to hear.

LegacyUser

I don't have the solution for either of ye, but it really does sound like you're both a bit off the wall and to be honest I don't know why people like yourselves stick together for years... I thought couples were meant to be, by and large, at peace with one another. At least that's my experience with my own lady. Yet I know several people just like you, who for some daft reason stay together for years, yet they'd be fecking and blinding at one another generally when all of us are watching...

The world has gone mad I tell ya. Mad altogether.

Clairecluck

Any word from him yet endoftheline? I'd kill him

LegacyUser

BaZmO* wrote:

And yet again another person on the internet throws a hissy fit when the advice they've asked for on a forum goes against what they wanted to hear.

And yet another person closes their eyes to the facts of the situation, which include behaviour so patently out of line a member of my bf's own family has stated she "would not tolerate" what she has witnessed.

Believe whatever suits you, based on whatever groundless assumptions you can dream up. I'm living this, so I know what's happening here.

Maple

bloody hell lady :eek:

i don't think its that people are supporting him, its just that they are questioning your behavior as well. Obviously you just want to be told that you're right regardless of the situation. You're not willing to take on board that you might actually be at fault as well. You've come up with excuse after excuse, the latest one being your illness, not to take people's suggestions on board.

just dump him. easiest option all around.

Maple

bloody hell lady :eek:

i don't think its that people are supporting him, its just that they are questioning your behavior as well. Obviously you just want to be told that you're right regardless of the situation. You're not willing to take on board that you might actually be at fault as well. You've come up with excuse after excuse, the latest one being your illness, not to take people's suggestions on board.

just dump him. easiest option all around.

LegacyUser

Clairecluck wrote:

Any word from him yet endoftheline? I'd kill him

No, none Clairecluck. I'm moving away from the feeling of anger now, and towards the feeling of resignation - to the fact that he is an arsehole and really not worth my time. He'll be in for a shock when he calls in two/three weeks time and finds that my mobile number is not operational anymore.

Clairecluck

she is totally in the right! A cranky remark doesn't justify days of silence- what age is he? sounds like his little mammy let him away with far too much, if he was a child i'd slap him

LegacyUser

maple wrote:

bloody hell lady :eek:

i don't think its that people are supporting him, its just that they are questioning your behavior as well. Obviously you just want to be told that you're right regardless of the situation. You're not willing to take on board that you might actually be at fault as well. You've come up with excuse after excuse, the latest one being your illness, not to take people's suggestions on board.

just dump him. easiest option all around.

Maple, I've stated more than once on this thread that we were both at fault. But the disparity is that my portion of the blame began and ended on the night, while he's still displaying his the better part of a week on. It's pissing me off that people can defend that type of behaviour as rational. It's exactly the sort of excuse I'd be hearing from him, were I to give him the chance to voice it, which I wont this time because I've been through this BS literally DOZENS of times over the years. If I even disagree with something he believes it's enough to send him off sulking for weeks!!! How the hell is that normal or acceptable behaviour?! I dont know about anyone else, but it's total infantile MADNESS to me.

LegacyUser

Clairecluck wrote:

she is totally in the right! A cranky remark doesn't justify days of silence- what age is he? sounds like his little mammy let him away with far too much, if he was a child i'd slap him

Thank you Clairecluck. He's almost forty, which is the most pathetic element in this equation, and yeah, his mammy wiped his arse for him once too often from what I can make out. She should have called him Peter Pan. How appropriate - the little boy who never grew up!

BaZmO*

Clairecluck wrote:

she is totally in the right! A cranky remark doesn't justify days of silence- what age is he? sounds like his little mammy let him away with far too much, if he was a child i'd slap him

What age is she? She's at the age where she thinks it's ok to tell her boyfriend not to visit her for a week because she's given smoking.

LegacyUser

BaZmO* wrote:

What age is she? She's at the age where she thinks it's ok to tell her boyfriend not to visit her for a week because she's given smoking.

I'm not going to defend my right to sever ties with people who are smoking for a short time while I'm trying to quit, and frankly cant understand why you'd expect me to. Would you advise a heroin addict to do their cold turkey in a shooting gallery? You obviously dont know much about the nature of addiction and the role influence plays in it.

sobriquet

endoftheline123 wrote:

Obviously some people would rather believe it's all my fault and question how I'd dare tell him to f-off. That's working on the assumption that his speech to me isn’t often as strongly worded. I don’t know why some people would assume that, but I guess assumption is all too common on anonymous internet boards.

Well I, for one, made no assumption. However, given that he's the one that walks out on the rows, that strongly implies that he's not inclined to that type of arguing and doesn't feel it worthwhile. That begs the question why, and given that your attitude to verbal abuse appears to me to be quite flippant I offered the point above.

endoftheline123 wrote:

I think I'll take my issues to people who know us and are familiar with both our personalities and the situation in future. It leaves much less room for those sort of unhelpful misplaced assumptions.

Good idea, that may very well help you. Now, these misplaced assumptions you mention come from the fact that it's a bloody web board and we've only got one side of the story: yours. So what harm if we want to clarify things? Simply hand-waving contrary opinions and comments doesn't help you reach a resolution.

For what it's worth, you're right, five days worth of silence is worrying. Nevertheless, simply stating that doesn't solve anything, but asking for more information and offering points of view that may offer insight in your and his behaviour might.

LegacyUser

endoftheline123 wrote:

We had made plans for him to spend the night in mine, but I'd forgotten all about it, had been feeling very ill and had hardly slept the night before, so when he came on the phone wanting to know what the story was I asked him what he was on about. He seemed really off with me and just huffed "It's ok, I'll stay where I am". Then it hit me that we'd made plans, so I said "No, I'll come over and pick you up", then he says "No, you're alright, I'll stay here" (all smart-arsed type attitude on him), so I says "Well then stay there if that's your f**k*ing attitude", so anyway things went from bad to worse the following day in text, and he informed me it was "the end".

This was your fault. You cursed at him on the phone and pissed him off. No wonder he doesn't want to see you right now, you can't be so insensitive with him. He probably feels rejected that you forgot and then got even more defensive when you told him to **** himself basically by telling him to stay where he was.

Later that day he ignored a couple of phonecalls and a text, which I found really hurtful. I havent contacted him since. So now three days have gone by and I'm scared stiff it really is "the end", but I know better than to call him, I reckon he does need that bit of thinking time you were talking about and that this is something he has to work out in his own mind, and when (if??) he does pick up the phone again I'm just going to really have to control my tongue (because I know what I'd LIKE to say to him!) but seriously, it's about time we got this nonsense sorted out and I know that cant be done by flipping out over it. I do realise that this is all very juvenile sh!t, but believe it or not we're both in our thirties!

You are the root of all this. You are wrecking his head. You seem really bossy with your "I know what i'd like to say to him" but fact of the matter is, if you were not wrecking his head, he wouldn't be all defensive and not want to see you now would he?

seamus

endoftheline123 wrote:

He'll be in for a shock when he calls in two/three weeks time and finds that my mobile number is not operational anymore.

This is not a hostile reply, but if he's almost forty and I'm assuming you are too (or I'm assuming you're at least older than 25), and this is the kind of way that the relationship is working, then leave it now and save yourselves some hassle.

Any relationship that's permeated with extended periods of what can only be described as utter hatred for the other person's actions (that's what your posts display) can't be good for either party's health (mental or physical).

LegacyUser

I've just read the entire thread. The OP is a ****ing nutcase. A mentalist. Lost the ****ing plot.

you keep blaming your boyfriend, your by and large at fault...and with that sort of behaviour, you can expect many more years of living alone.

Happy Birthday! http://www.centralmentalhospital.ie/en/

Wibbs

Harsh from cheesedude maybe, but therein lies an element of truth. Work on your own actions first before jumping to blame him. Fix yourself in the areas you need to as your the only one that can and all you can really do is fix yourself anyway. I'll be honest on re-reading your posts, if it was me you would have got your marching orders for good, not for a few weeks either. I'm fairly easy going but disrespectful harpy behaviour gets short shrift in my book.

LegacyUser

cheesedude wrote:

He probably feels rejected that you forgot and then got even more defensive when you told him to **** himself basically by telling him to stay where he was.

You read the whole thread, yeah? Did you speed read your way through it? Because if you read it while paying any kind of attention you'd know it was him who first said he'd stay where he was.

I'm done with this thread - talk crap all you want. If I've any more questions I'll head over to his sister who's known him for 39 years.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote:

I'll be honest on re-reading your posts, if it was me you would have got your marching orders for good, not for a few weeks either. I'm fairly easy going but disrespectful harpy behaviour gets short shrift in my book.

Well then he's lucky you're not in my shoes Wibbs, otherwise he'd have gotten his marching orders years ago. Bye everyone.

muppetkiller

I think the problem is that the men here are giving you their opinions based on your actions and the fact that it was your last night together before the week break. You forgot about it and from you bf's reaction he's used to it.

Nothing you can say here will help your case as we see the facts you've presented and your not looking like the innocent party in this case.

We may have it wrong and your boyfriend is an ass but from what we think he's the lesser of the two evils.

I have a funny feeling too that one conversation you'll have with your boyfriend if you do get in contact again will be how he was so insensitive ignoring you on the week you tried to give up smoking....and again he'll go walking.

Agreed he's 40 and shouldn't be acting like this. But then again you come across as a spoilt teenager who isn't getting her way. Sorry if that offends but there's nothing constructive in your posts to suggest any relationship maturity. You say you've called and texted ...why haven't you physically met him at his home ? Or have you locked yourself away to give up the fags ?

Wibbs

endoftheline123 wrote:

Well then he's lucky you're not in my shoes Wibbs, otherwise he'd have gotten his marching orders years ago. Bye everyone.

Interesting. You read my post and assumed I was talking about being in your shoes not his.