Virginity late on - a big deal?

Dudess

Inspired by a thread in PI and recent programmes on Channel 4 about the issue of virginity, I'd be interested to know what the general consensus is on sex with those who have chosen to remain chaste until relatively late on - I'd be talking 25+. Would you find it problematic? Would you find it a good thing? Personally, if I started sleeping with a guy around my age (29) and it was his first time, I'd find it unusual but nothing more.

Any other views?

copacetic

just unusual? wouldn't you want a pretty good reason why he was still a virgin?
it'd be on my mind what is wrong with the person tbh..

Exit

I'd think that people who want to lose it and haven't would find it a big deal. When you do lose it, it really isn't that big a deal. It's not as if it changes you somehow.

I would think people who are in their 30s and haven't had sex (unless by choice) would be a little strange to me. But maybe that's just me.

Dudess

copacetic wrote:

just unusual? wouldn't you want a pretty good reason why he was still a virgin?
it'd be on my mind what is wrong with the person tbh..

Oh I'd probably wonder why, but I don't think it would put me off having sex with him if I'm attracted to him in the first place. But I suppose (and don't slate me!) most men aged 29 who are still virgins are probably a bit geeky and wouldn't be all that attractive anyway, but not all. Don't get me wrong - I'm not looking for a stud - far from it - but I get the feeling that guys who are still virgins at 29 are more than likely going to be mammy's boy types. But I've no doubt there are attractive ones too - just not very many.

cson

Maybe they were devout catholics and its their honeymoon night?

Its way over rated the first time, well in my case it was.

mawk

meh, sex just ruins young relationships.

there should be a law against young people having sex..

I have friends who are virgins, I dont think its a big deal at all

Scarinae

Well I'm 20 and I'm not a virgin, but a fair few of my friends (mostly in the 19-21 age group) are... It's not that they broadcast it around but I'm the kind of person that people tell things to. I think there are more virgins around than everyone thinks but they just don't admit it because the older you get the more of a stigma it seems to be! I don't see any problem with it though. I know it's not quite the same thing as being a 30-year-old virgin, but I still think being a virgin is seen as way more of a big deal than it actually is

*Angel*

mawk wrote:

meh, sex just ruins young relationships.

there should be a law against young people having sex..

I have friends who are virgins, I dont think its a big deal at all

How young do you think is young?

No I don't think virginity late on is a big deal although it probably seems like a pretty big thing for the person themselves.

copacetic

Dudess wrote:

Oh I'd probably wonder why, but I don't think it would put me off having sex with him if I'm attracted to him in the first place. But I suppose (and don't slate me!) most men aged 29 who are still virgins are probably a bit geeky and wouldn't be all that attractive anyway, but not all. Don't get me wrong - I'm not looking for a stud - far from it - but I get the feeling that guys who are still virgins at 29 are more than likely going to be mammy's boy types. But I've no doubt there are attractive ones too - just not very many.

well i'll be honest and say a 29 year old women who is a virgin would freak me out a bit. have to say i'd have no problem doing the deed but couldn't see a future in it. now it could turn out that she is entirely normal but i'd be freaked out enough that I'd prob find loads of other things wrong with her. Even the pressure of knowing it was a big deal for her wouldn't be great..

if there was a reason like she was a holy mary or something that'd be one thing but if it was just a 'never had sex before, no reason really' thing I'd be freaked out and wondering why me and had I got another bunny boiler on my hands

drdre

I dont think its a problem at all being a virgin

sidneykidney

Tbh anyone loosing it whatever age its a big thing to them,but hey if you feel that now is right for you ,go ahead.:)

FunkyChicken

mawk wrote:

meh, sex just ruins young relationships.

What? it's the only good thing about young relationships you oaf!

projectmayhem

sidneykidney wrote:

Tbh anyone loosing it whatever age its a big thing to them,but hey if you feel that now is right for you ,go ahead.:)

i don't think the issue is the virgin themselves, rather it's the partner. the burden of responsibility being the introduction to sex to this person. you're opening a door for this person, and you'll be etched in their mind forever... the thing is, at 29 you've been exposed to sexuality for long enough to know what good sex should be through porn & what not. now the partner has to live up to about 15 odd years of expectation....

sidneykidney

i agree with some of the others,at 29 how come there only loosing their virginity now,that would be one of my first thoughts.

Black Swan

Would you buy a car without first taking a test drive?

dermo88

Its not such a big deal. Remember, many of our parents, and Grandparents went to the dealer for their car, and never had a test drive. Or.....they would never ADMIT having a test drive.

If your doing it out of curiosity its for the wrong reasons. Anyone who does it too young regrets it. Anyone who loses it later, feels they should have had more of it when they were younger.

Also, an awful lot about sexuality is very open these days to a degree. I'm treading on eggshells at this point.

I've learned over the years that theres no such thing as normal sex. It just is. Its part of a relationship. It can be getting your rocks off. Its far too complex to explain in words without coming across as either a Jesus freak or a sex maniac.

It just is. Accept that. And the ones who talk about it most are getting it least.

roberta c

Ah how times have changed:D

Dudess

projectmayhem wrote:

i don't think the issue is the virgin themselves, rather it's the partner. the burden of responsibility being the introduction to sex to this person. you're opening a door for this person, and you'll be etched in their mind forever... the thing is, at 29 you've been exposed to sexuality for long enough to know what good sex should be through porn & what not. now the partner has to live up to about 15 odd years of expectation....

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Sorry, my opening post is so badly written. I'm not asking what people think of people losing their virginity late on, rather, how they'd feel if they were with a person who was 25+ and this person announced to them that they were a virgin.

Mrs_Doyle

copacetic wrote:

just unusual? wouldn't you want a pretty good reason why he was still a virgin?
it'd be on my mind what is wrong with the person tbh..

Why would there have to be something wrong with them?

Maybe he just never met someone he wanted to lose his virginity to?

I had met plenty of guys I fancied, and I wouldn't mind having sex with, but I'd never met the one I wanted to lose my virginity to until I met my boyfriend.

Marksie

depends why they remained a virgin and also by your technical definition of virgin.

If someone was sexually connected with themselves and chose a celibate lifestyle, then it would be ok.
However, if they had been repressed or had closed themselves off totally from eveyone because of things that happened in the past. Then it would be a case of major issues that would need to be sorted.

As an example i used to play rugby with a guy whose girlfriend was a virgin after 3 years with him.
He said, quite calmy, that they had done everything else that could be done, but she wanted to save her virginity for the wedding night.

However, some months ago now, someone posted a thread in PI where they were 28 and never been kissed. It was an instance of this person closing themselves off despite the fact that their inner self was crying to be let out. In the end that thread was not about her sorting the problem but seeking justification to ruthlessly suppress her self from coming forward. Someone broke through the barriers but unfortunately she locked the thread and ran.

Marksie

projectmayhem wrote:

long enough to know what good sex should be through porn & what not.

porn is not good sex

jester77

I would find it a little strange, probably leave me wondering was there some story behind it, eg very strict parents, molestation, religiously brainwashed.

Plus don't they say that a guys best years are in his early 20's?

Dudess

I think, to be fair, most of us would find it a bit strange. But would it put people off having sex with this person or letting things develop into a relationship?

copacetic

Mrs_Doyle wrote:

Why would there have to be something wrong with them?

Maybe he just never met someone he wanted to lose his virginity to?

I had met plenty of guys I fancied, and I wouldn't mind having sex with, but I'd never met the one I wanted to lose my virginity to until I met my boyfriend.

well there wouldn't have to be, but I just know it would be on my mind. say your example for instance. I meet a 29 year old women and she wants to lose her virginity to me after 12 years waiting for the right guy. that sh1t will freak me out!

Crucifix

It might raise a "Huh, that's interesting" but it wouldn't put me off.

Slow Motion

Quite frankly I lost my virginity "late" (won't say how late ) The reason ? Simple, I have / had no interest in one night stands as to me they are rather meaningless and it took a while to find someone to get serious about so when it happened there was no problem whatsoever for both of us. Nothing to do with being geeky / mammys boy / ugly or anything else !

Dudess

You see, that's the thing. I've been discussing the topic with friends and it just struck us: why is it a guarantee that everyone has found someone with whom they want to have sex by 25?

BlitzKrieg

depends why they remained a virgin and also by your technical definition of virgin.

If someone was sexually connected with themselves and chose a celibate lifestyle, then it would be ok.
However, if they had been repressed or had closed themselves off totally from eveyone because of things that happened in the past. Then it would be a case of major issues that would need to be sorted.

what about reason 3?

crappy luck.

never had a very long streak of no luck with the ladies?

Mrs_Doyle

copacetic wrote:

well there wouldn't have to be, but I just know it would be on my mind. say your example for instance. I meet a 29 year old women and she wants to lose her virginity to me after 12 years waiting for the right guy. that sh1t will freak me out!

The you probably wouldn't be the right guy. Cos if she waited 12 years, I'm sure she would have found the kinda guy who wouldn't be freaked out by the fact that his girlfriend loves him enough to lose her virginity with him.

Also, not all 'late virgins' are entirely celibate, or frigid, up to the point that they decide to lose their virginity.

They can be sexual people, with turn on's and appetites, just like anyone else.... they just wanted their first time to be with someone they really liked or loved.

copacetic

Mrs_Doyle wrote:

The you probably wouldn't be the right guy. Cos if she waited 12 years, I'm sure she would have found the kinda guy who wouldn't be freaked out by the fact that his girlfriend loves him enough to lose her virginity with him.

Also, not all 'late virgins' are entirely celibate, or frigid, up to the point that they decide to lose their virginity.

They can be sexual people, with turn on's and appetites, just like anyone else.... they just wanted their first time to be with someone they really liked or loved.

it's true, I am seldom the right guy, hence I'd be thinking that this one is some kind of a nutter if she thinks I am!

Kell

Dudess wrote:

or letting things develop into a relationship?

Hmmn. I'd be wary of developing things from the point of view of "she doesnt know about that, that and what, she doesnt even know about THAT".

Then again, I have NO patience. If I did, I might stick around for the education.

K-

Kell

Dudess wrote:

why is it a guarantee that everyone has found someone with whom they want to have sex by 25?

Its not. I started relatively young by what is emerging as contemporary standards, and so did most of my mates and of course people we were dating were into sex too.

The older virgins/less experienced people I have been with, tend to be of the sexually up to nothing type i.e. had never explored to any great degree either themselves or other people.

As the guy I go to for check ups said, "what a waste of a girls greatest gift".

K-

Drift

Dammit dudess why didn't you post this in PI where I could post anonymously.

I don't talk about this often, ever actually, because there seems to be some sort of stigma attached but I'm still a virgin at 24. There's no complex reason for it though. It just hasn't happened for me yet (i.e. no medium/long term girlfriends). I've had the opportunity for one night stands but I don't think I'd enjoy them so I let the opportunity pass me by. I'm waiting till I find a nice girl who wants a relationship with me and I with her and then I'll get down and get busy .

The way I view it is if a girl has some sort of problem with this the problem is entirely hers and she's clearly not the right girl for me. I think the media, especially tv, has a lot to answer for in promoting a view of virgins as geeky, ugly, socially retarded losers. I'm a bit shy which maybe accounts for me being a bit of a late bloomer with regards to going looking for relationships but hardly makes me into some sort of weirdo unfit to share a bed with!!!

So anyway it'd be nice if it happened fairly soon cos Pam and her five sisters are suffering from extended fatigue but I'm not in spending all day fretting about it. When the right girl comes along she'll just have to prepare herself for me catching up for lost years with ultra long extended sessions of every position and technique we can think of .

P.S. All you ladies with fantasies about deflowering a virgin may PM me at your leisure with full length photo's etc.

Schlemm

It depends on the reason for being a virgin at 29, but I suppose then you wouldn't have any rotten aul STD's...

spurious

It wouldn't make a difference to me if I heard a potential partner was a virgin. Being a virgin doesn't mean they do not have desires, just that they have never acted on them, or had the chance to.

I knew a girl once, who still lived at home with her not terribly strict parents (but not wildly bohemian either). She was a bit shy I suppose and very focussed on study and then work and losing her virginity just didn't come up. Once she moved out into her own place (at about 30) she soon made up for lost time. There was nothing odd about her though, she was quite attractive, it just hadn't happened for her as early as it did for others.

Dudess

Drift wrote:

I think the media, especially tv, has a lot to answer for in promoting a view of virgins as geeky, ugly, socially retarded losers

And me - for doing so in an earlier post. I'm so sorry! Yep, afterwards I thought to myself, hang on a minute! Maybe it just does not happen for everyone as early as what's deemed "the norm". Actually, I didn't see the first Channel 4 programme called Virgin School, but I saw a promo for it. Basically it was about a 26-year-old male virgin who went to the 'Dam for "training". And he was quite good-looking. But he was just so awkward and insecure. That was his problem - not his virginity, but of course it was causing his virginity.
Drift, you seem perfectly balanced and reasonable - particularly so, because you know exactly what you want in this department and you're not just shagging anyone because that's what you're supposed to do (and which is what I did at 18 - if I had that time all over again, I would have waited a few more years). Fair play to you. Plenty of girls - me included - would find that exceptionally attractive. You'll have no probs.

Kell

Dudess wrote:

You'll have no probs.

Save for-

Drift wrote:

(i.e. no medium/long term girlfriends).

The whole idea of passing up on it and holding out for something that may or may not be great is an odd concept for me. Not saying its wrong, it just seems odd.

K-

Dudess

But he's not interested in one-night stands and he hasn't met anyone with whom he wants to have a relationship. Understandable and logical in my opinion.
I'll bet there are far more 24-year-old virgins out there than one would be led to believe.

Drift

Kell wrote:

The whole idea of passing up on it and holding out for something that may or may not be great is an odd concept for me. Not saying its wrong, it just seems odd.

If I'm honest it probably seems odd to most of my peers and people of a similar age too - they're entitled to their opinion and I'm entitled to mine.

I have no doubt that one-nighters can be fun and enjoyable but personally I want sex to be something intimate I share with somebody who I care about. I'm pretty sure I'd feel unfilled after a one night stand. This based on an extrapolation of how I feel after snogging a randomer - its fun at the time but ultimately leaves you thinking its much better with someone you care for. So my real issue is to work on finding a relationship and let the sex take care of itself afterwards as opposed to directly searching for sex. It may seem odd to some/most but I'm hoping there's some girls out there who wouldn't have any issues with this line of thinking.

LegacyUser

I think it would be a stunningly attractive feature...Adriana Lima the supermodel is a virgin and she is over 24/25, sexy feature...waiting for the one...bad news for lads looking for shags though but whatever...theres all sorts out there

Terry

More wimmen should have sex with me.
That is all.

Earthhorse

I don't really know that the reason someone is a virgin is all that important either. Let's posit the following scenarios.

Scenario 1

You: So, I was thinking we could go on holiday to Greece this year?
Your Partner: Actually, I never told you this before, but I've never been on a plane.
You: Why not? You know that statistically there's more chance of being killed in a car and we've driven loads of places.
Your Partner: I know, I just was afraid I suppose. Still am really, but I'm willing to work on it to go away with you!
You: Sorry, forget it love. I don't want to be the one responsible for introducing you to international travel only for you to be dissapointed.
Your Partner: But...
You: Look, I said no. For all I know you could be a terrorist.

Scenario 2

You: Hey, want some of this spliff?
Your Partner: No thanks, I don't do drugs.
You: This isn't that whole strict upbringing thing again, is it?
Your Partner: Actually, since hanging out with you and your friends I've realised alcohol isn't such a bad thing. I might have a beer.
You: No way, I don't want to be the one responsible for introducing you to alcohol only for you to be dissapointed.
Your Partner: Maybe some wine then?
You: No! It's not like on TV you know! Besides, for all I know you could be an alcoholic.

Scenario 3

You: Hey, wanna go upstairs?
Your Partner: Actually, uhm, about that, I don't know how to say this but, I'm a virgin.
You: Hey, that's okay, mind me asking why?
Your Partner: Well, up until a few years ago I had social anxiety. But I started going to therapy and I'm a lot more comfortable socialising now.
You: Oh.
Your Partner: I'd really like you to be my first.
You: Listen, I thought you were going to give me some normal reason for being a virgin at 29, like you just weren't all that interested in sex or you'd been abducted by aliens, but if it was social anxiety then I don't think I can deal with that.
Your Partner: But I've really worked past that and feel ready for this now.
You: Sorry, there must be something fundamentally wrong with you if you hadn't had sex by this age. I'll bet you haven't flown on a plane or smoked hash either. Well, I just can't deal with that. I'm sorry, get dressed and go. You can take a mint on your way out.

You can't take responsibility for someone's past or, realistically, their future. You can only take responsibility for the moment as it presents itself. I find it hard to imagine a reason someone could give for being a virgin that would put you off having sex with them if they now felt ready for it.

Dudess

Excellent post there, Earthhorse.

Drift

Earthhorse wrote:

I don't really know that the reason someone is a virgin is all that important either. Let's posit the following scenarios .......

Earthhorse if I didn't have the sneaking suspiscion you were male I'd be on my way over to your house right now with a 12 pack of condoms and some KY Good post.

I had actually come up with an analagy (not quite so good) myself .....

I've been driving since I was 13 ... got my license at 17. Some people don't start driving until they're in their 20s, 30s or even older and some people never drive. For some its a fear of driving but for the vast majority who don't its just the circumstances of where they live, how they commute, their feelings on climate issues etc. Sex can kindof be viewed the same way ..... (KINDOF ). I think most people of an age who are virgins don't have psychological/social problems as Hollyoaks or The OC would have you believe they're just progessing through their life path in a different way.

Now I sound like a hippy FFS

Was your first it as big a deal as its hyped up to be - did you really wake up the morning after a completely different person. And if not then why the big deal about whether its someone's first time or not? Just be gentle ...... at the start

Off I go to start a thread asking if you met someone who didn't start driving until they were 25 would you be afraid to get in a car with them because OBVIOUSLY there's something wrong with them.

Edit: And before you all ask - yes I've spent too much time thinking about this exactly like all the ones in PI

davyjose

mawk wrote:

there should be a law against young people having sex..

There is.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

davyjose wrote:

There is.

welcome to internet humour. It takes some getting used to but don't worry, you'll pick it up eventually

InFront

Someone alluded to it earlier, think of all those previous generations and societies that endorsed keeping their virginity (by and large) until marriage, well it has worked out pretty okay for us all so far.
It has changed to a massive extent very recently, I'm not sure it's as much an inspired or wise change as it is a symptom of a problem.

I have lots of reasons for not wanting to sleep with a girl yet; it doesn't bother me personally that I haven't, I don't know why some people would find it weird. Of course I'm sure there are lots of reasons to lose your virginity with just anyone, personally I haven't come across any very good reason.

Sangre

The marriages of previous generations weren't based on an equal partnership, thats why they worked. That and the stigma of separation and divorce (if it was legal).

Call Me Jimmy

I'm a 20 and haven't gotten any notches on me belt. My feeling is this:
I absolutely hate the way I look, if I have to look in the mirror it's pretty much the same as in Vanilly Sky where he has the nightmare about lookin in the mirror.

The way I see it is, if I can't even look at myself then I can't imagine how it's possible for anyone else to be attracted to me. Sob sob.

I don't see how it affects anyone else that I'm not sowing the wild oats but sure we all need to slag someone about something.

InFront

Sangre wrote:

The marriages of previous generations weren't based on an equal partnership, thats why they worked.

That's debatable, apart from generalising on all societies, it also suggests that equal partnership gives rise to marriage breakdown.

It's not really the point anyway. What you're saying is specifically in relation to marriage, which isn't really the topic.
Keeping one's virginity and not sleeping around or having various sexual partners has served humanity very well over thousands of years.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

Keeping one's virginity and not sleeping around or having various sexual partners has served humanity very well over thousands of years.

maybe it would have, if they'd practiced that.

isn't there some huge percentage of western men that are descended from ghengis khan? doesn't sound very monogomous to me.