Virginity late on - a big deal?

Kell · 23-05-2007 03:39PM

Dudess wrote:

why is it a guarantee that everyone has found someone with whom they want to have sex by 25?

Its not. I started relatively young by what is emerging as contemporary standards, and so did most of my mates and of course people we were dating were into sex too.

The older virgins/less experienced people I have been with, tend to be of the sexually up to nothing type i.e. had never explored to any great degree either themselves or other people.

As the guy I go to for check ups said, "what a waste of a girls greatest gift".

K-

Drift · 23-05-2007 03:50PM

Dammit dudess why didn't you post this in PI where I could post anonymously.

I don't talk about this often, ever actually, because there seems to be some sort of stigma attached but I'm still a virgin at 24. There's no complex reason for it though. It just hasn't happened for me yet (i.e. no medium/long term girlfriends). I've had the opportunity for one night stands but I don't think I'd enjoy them so I let the opportunity pass me by. I'm waiting till I find a nice girl who wants a relationship with me and I with her and then I'll get down and get busy

.

The way I view it is if a girl has some sort of problem with this the problem is entirely hers and she's clearly not the right girl for me. I think the media, especially tv, has a lot to answer for in promoting a view of virgins as geeky, ugly, socially retarded losers. I'm a bit shy which maybe accounts for me being a bit of a late bloomer with regards to going looking for relationships but hardly makes me into some sort of weirdo unfit to share a bed with!!!

So anyway it'd be nice if it happened fairly soon cos Pam and her five sisters are suffering from extended fatigue

but I'm not in spending all day fretting about it. When the right girl comes along she'll just have to prepare herself for me catching up for lost years with ultra long extended sessions of every position and technique we can think of

.

P.S. All you ladies with fantasies about deflowering a virgin may PM me at your leisure with full length photo's etc.

Schlemm · 23-05-2007 04:29PM

It depends on the reason for being a virgin at 29, but I suppose then you wouldn't have any rotten aul STD's...

spurious · 23-05-2007 04:37PM

It wouldn't make a difference to me if I heard a potential partner was a virgin. Being a virgin doesn't mean they do not have desires, just that they have never acted on them, or had the chance to.

I knew a girl once, who still lived at home with her not terribly strict parents (but not wildly bohemian either). She was a bit shy I suppose and very focussed on study and then work and losing her virginity just didn't come up. Once she moved out into her own place (at about 30) she soon made up for lost time. There was nothing odd about her though, she was quite attractive, it just hadn't happened for her as early as it did for others.

Dudess · 23-05-2007 05:01PM

Drift wrote:

I think the media, especially tv, has a lot to answer for in promoting a view of virgins as geeky, ugly, socially retarded losers

And me - for doing so in an earlier post. I'm so sorry! Yep, afterwards I thought to myself, hang on a minute! Maybe it just does not happen for everyone as early as what's deemed "the norm". Actually, I didn't see the first Channel 4 programme called Virgin School, but I saw a promo for it. Basically it was about a 26-year-old male virgin who went to the 'Dam for "training". And he was quite good-looking. But he was just so awkward and insecure. That was his problem - not his virginity, but of course it was causing his virginity.
Drift, you seem perfectly balanced and reasonable - particularly so, because you know exactly what you want in this department and you're not just shagging anyone because that's what you're supposed to do (and which is what I did at 18 - if I had that time all over again, I would have waited a few more years). Fair play to you. Plenty of girls - me included - would find that exceptionally attractive. You'll have no probs.

Kell · 23-05-2007 05:10PM

Dudess wrote:

You'll have no probs.

Save for-

Drift wrote:

(i.e. no medium/long term girlfriends).

The whole idea of passing up on it and holding out for something that may or may not be great is an odd concept for me. Not saying its wrong, it just seems odd.

K-

Dudess · 23-05-2007 05:15PM

But he's not interested in one-night stands and he hasn't met anyone with whom he wants to have a relationship. Understandable and logical in my opinion.
I'll bet there are far more 24-year-old virgins out there than one would be led to believe.

Drift · 23-05-2007 05:44PM

Kell wrote:

The whole idea of passing up on it and holding out for something that may or may not be great is an odd concept for me. Not saying its wrong, it just seems odd.

If I'm honest it probably seems odd to most of my peers and people of a similar age too - they're entitled to their opinion and I'm entitled to mine.

I have no doubt that one-nighters can be fun and enjoyable but personally I want sex to be something intimate I share with somebody who I care about. I'm pretty sure I'd feel unfilled after a one night stand. This based on an extrapolation of how I feel after snogging a randomer - its fun at the time but ultimately leaves you thinking its much better with someone you care for. So my real issue is to work on finding a relationship and let the sex take care of itself afterwards as opposed to directly searching for sex. It may seem odd to some/most but I'm hoping there's some girls out there who wouldn't have any issues with this line of thinking.

LegacyUser · 23-05-2007 05:51PM

I think it would be a stunningly attractive feature...Adriana Lima the supermodel is a virgin and she is over 24/25, sexy feature...waiting for the one...bad news for lads looking for shags though but whatever...theres all sorts out there

Terry · 23-05-2007 07:02PM

More wimmen should have sex with me.
That is all.

Earthhorse · 23-05-2007 07:27PM

I don't really know that the reason someone is a virgin is all that important either. Let's posit the following scenarios.

Scenario 1

You: So, I was thinking we could go on holiday to Greece this year?
Your Partner: Actually, I never told you this before, but I've never been on a plane.
You: Why not? You know that statistically there's more chance of being killed in a car and we've driven loads of places.
Your Partner: I know, I just was afraid I suppose. Still am really, but I'm willing to work on it to go away with you!
You: Sorry, forget it love. I don't want to be the one responsible for introducing you to international travel only for you to be dissapointed.
Your Partner: But...
You: Look, I said no. For all I know you could be a terrorist.

Scenario 2

You: Hey, want some of this spliff?
Your Partner: No thanks, I don't do drugs.
You: This isn't that whole strict upbringing thing again, is it?
Your Partner: Actually, since hanging out with you and your friends I've realised alcohol isn't such a bad thing. I might have a beer.
You: No way, I don't want to be the one responsible for introducing you to alcohol only for you to be dissapointed.
Your Partner: Maybe some wine then?
You: No! It's not like on TV you know! Besides, for all I know you could be an alcoholic.

Scenario 3

You: Hey, wanna go upstairs?
Your Partner: Actually, uhm, about that, I don't know how to say this but, I'm a virgin.
You: Hey, that's okay, mind me asking why?
Your Partner: Well, up until a few years ago I had social anxiety. But I started going to therapy and I'm a lot more comfortable socialising now.
You: Oh.
Your Partner: I'd really like you to be my first.
You: Listen, I thought you were going to give me some normal reason for being a virgin at 29, like you just weren't all that interested in sex or you'd been abducted by aliens, but if it was social anxiety then I don't think I can deal with that.
Your Partner: But I've really worked past that and feel ready for this now.
You: Sorry, there must be something fundamentally wrong with you if you hadn't had sex by this age. I'll bet you haven't flown on a plane or smoked hash either. Well, I just can't deal with that. I'm sorry, get dressed and go. You can take a mint on your way out.

You can't take responsibility for someone's past or, realistically, their future. You can only take responsibility for the moment as it presents itself. I find it hard to imagine a reason someone could give for being a virgin that would put you off having sex with them if they now felt ready for it.

Dudess · 23-05-2007 08:12PM

Excellent post there, Earthhorse.

Drift · 23-05-2007 11:07PM

Earthhorse wrote:

I don't really know that the reason someone is a virgin is all that important either. Let's posit the following scenarios .......

Earthhorse if I didn't have the sneaking suspiscion you were male I'd be on my way over to your house right now with a 12 pack of condoms and some KY

Good post.

I had actually come up with an analagy (not quite so good) myself .....

I've been driving since I was 13 ... got my license at 17. Some people don't start driving until they're in their 20s, 30s or even older and some people never drive. For some its a fear of driving but for the vast majority who don't its just the circumstances of where they live, how they commute, their feelings on climate issues etc. Sex can kindof be viewed the same way ..... (KINDOF

). I think most people of an age who are virgins don't have psychological/social problems as Hollyoaks or The OC would have you believe they're just progessing through their life path in a different way.

Now I sound like a hippy FFS

Was your first it as big a deal as its hyped up to be - did you really wake up the morning after a completely different person. And if not then why the big deal about whether its someone's first time or not? Just be gentle ...... at the start

Off I go to start a thread asking if you met someone who didn't start driving until they were 25 would you be afraid to get in a car with them because OBVIOUSLY there's something wrong with them.

Edit: And before you all ask - yes I've spent too much time thinking about this exactly like all the ones in PI

davyjose · 23-05-2007 11:14PM

mawk wrote:

there should be a law against young people having sex..

There is.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar · 23-05-2007 11:22PM

davyjose wrote:

There is.

welcome to internet humour. It takes some getting used to but don't worry, you'll pick it up eventually

InFront · 23-05-2007 11:48PM

Someone alluded to it earlier, think of all those previous generations and societies that endorsed keeping their virginity (by and large) until marriage, well it has worked out pretty okay for us all so far.
It has changed to a massive extent very recently, I'm not sure it's as much an inspired or wise change as it is a symptom of a problem.

I have lots of reasons for not wanting to sleep with a girl yet; it doesn't bother me personally that I haven't, I don't know why some people would find it weird. Of course I'm sure there are lots of reasons to lose your virginity with just anyone, personally I haven't come across any very good reason.

Sangre · 23-05-2007 11:53PM

The marriages of previous generations weren't based on an equal partnership, thats why they worked. That and the stigma of separation and divorce (if it was legal).

Call Me Jimmy · 23-05-2007 11:59PM

I'm a 20 and haven't gotten any notches on me belt. My feeling is this:
I absolutely hate the way I look, if I have to look in the mirror it's pretty much the same as in Vanilly Sky where he has the nightmare about lookin in the mirror.

The way I see it is, if I can't even look at myself then I can't imagine how it's possible for anyone else to be attracted to me. Sob sob.

I don't see how it affects anyone else that I'm not sowing the wild oats but sure we all need to slag someone about something.

InFront · 24-05-2007 12:11AM

Sangre wrote:

The marriages of previous generations weren't based on an equal partnership, thats why they worked.

That's debatable, apart from generalising on all societies, it also suggests that equal partnership gives rise to marriage breakdown.

It's not really the point anyway. What you're saying is specifically in relation to marriage, which isn't really the topic.
Keeping one's virginity and not sleeping around or having various sexual partners has served humanity very well over thousands of years.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar · 24-05-2007 01:00AM

Keeping one's virginity and not sleeping around or having various sexual partners has served humanity very well over thousands of years.

maybe it would have, if they'd practiced that.

isn't there some huge percentage of western men that are descended from ghengis khan? doesn't sound very monogomous to me.

InFront · 24-05-2007 01:12AM

Mordeth wrote:

maybe it would have, if they'd practiced that.

I did say by and large, and you surely cannot deny it is the case that society was much less promiscuous.

Cunny-Funt · 24-05-2007 06:27AM

With single sex schools and such loads of people I know went years with out getting to know any girls etc. A mate of mine was a virgin up till 23 there, and it made him crazy. He would get badly depressed about it and when ever any of my other friends would talk about their GF's he would just go quite for ages.

He couldn't even say the word virgin when talking about it he was so embarrassed, he would just say "V"...

I mean it was just all circumstances, He didn't know any birds from school, none around the area he lived, when he got a job there was a serious lack of birds too. Now sure there was a few times he could had a one night stand with some bird he didn't fancy, but he always said he wanted it to be with someone he fancied, he wanted to get a GF and loose his virginity then. Much like Drift.

He went to collage and did a computer course so naturally that was a sausage fest. And he doesn't like going out clubbing and stuff.

But thing was he really let it get to him BIG time in the end. And eventually he had a nervous break down. and went on anti depressants.

And then finally a few months ago, he just went over to Amsterdam and got with a few prostitutes....

Its not something I would do but at least now he's happy as larry. But I feel its such a shame that it got to him so bad.

I sure there is a hell of a lot of people in the same situation but just don't let it get to them.

Waiting to find a GF but never really in any situation to meet girls.

Earthhorse · 24-05-2007 10:15AM

Drift wrote:

Earthhorse if I didn't have the sneaking suspiscion you were male I'd be on my way over to your house right now with a 12 pack of condoms and some KY

Suspicion confirmed. Mind you, my folks are away at the moment so if you want to pop over and do some housework it'd really be appreciated.

Also, I know exactly what you're saying in your earlier post about looking for a relationship rather than sex (or words to that effect). I'm built that way too and I know some other blokes are as well. We're a minority sure, but we do exist.

Dudess · 24-05-2007 10:43AM

Earthhorse wrote:

We're a minority sure, but we do exist.

And you've just given hope to so, so many women!

JC 2K3 · 24-05-2007 11:07AM

InFront wrote:

I did say by and large, and you surely cannot deny it is the case that society was much less promiscuous.

Much less openly promiscuous, sure.

Much less promiscuous? That's debatable and variant with regard to the time and the place. I think the prevalence of prostitution in many societies in the past is an example of how people in the past were not as chaste as one might think.

Drift · 24-05-2007 11:47AM

Cunny-Funt wrote:

I mean it was just all circumstances, He didn't know any birds from school, none around the area he lived, when he got a job there was a serious lack of birds too.

He went to collage and did a computer course so naturally that was a sausage fest.

Almost identical to me, wasn't very outgoing at school age with the result that no female friends from that era. Then I did engineering in college (one or two lovely girls but 85 lovely guys!!!!) and now my job is in engineering too. So I don't have a lot of interaction with girls which means that gfs are slower to arrive on the scene but I'm working on it and it will happen.

Sometimes it does make me think what I'm missing out on but I don't let myself get depressed or over anxious about it. It'll happen when it happens and I'm not going to rush it with some randomer just to lose the "tag".

And to Earthhorse its good to know there's a few more of us out there than I thought.

Kell · 24-05-2007 11:49AM

Drift wrote:

its fun at the time but ultimately leaves you thinking its much better with someone you care for.

Sex can also be terrificly bad with someone you care for. Then what do you do? You're in too deep at that stage and theres far too many people over on PI's in relationships crying that the sex lives are crap and beating themselves up because they want to get out because of it.

Some hold out and get to fulfil their dreams of amazing sex with someone they deeply love. Most dont.

K-

Kell · 24-05-2007 11:56AM

Dudess wrote:

And you've just given hope to so, so many women!

Now theres a contradiction in terms. You were saying in PI's earlier that how promiscuos you are shouldnt influence a potential partner and down to them for even thinking it. Yet here you are saying that being a virgin is a good trait?

Conflicted?

K-

Dudess · 24-05-2007 11:58AM

It's true you could have mind-blowing sex with a stranger whom you really fancy - usually on holidays or whatever. But back at home I bet it's a rarity.

Dudess · 24-05-2007 12:00PM

Kell wrote:

Now theres a contradiction in terms. You were saying in PI's earlier that how promiscuos you are shouldnt influence a potential partner and down to them for even thinking it. Yet here you are saying that being a virgin is a good trait?

Conflicted?

K-

I disagree. I think being a virgin would be a great quality in a guy, but that doesn't mean the only guys I want to be with have to be virgins. At the end of the day, it wouldn't bother me whether he was a virgin or promiscuous, but if he was a virgin, it would be nice.

Virginity late on - a big deal?

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