Sex life isn't great!!

LegacyUser

Hi all, don't wanna to reg for this one.

Going out with my bf for some time now. Love him to bits as he does me. We're crazy about each other etc, & plan to spend the rest of our lives together, so it is a serious relationship (just to get that clear) & I'm not about to leave him, or even think less of him over the little issue I'm about to discuss.

Jay8's thread got me thinking, when reading all your replies.
Our sex life isn't great.

This doesn't exactly get me down or anything. The great thing about sex for me is the closeness you get when skin touches skin, if you know what I mean.
It doesn't matter that penetration lasts 2 minutes or 5 minutes, or 30 minutes, nor does it matter if he's big or small, I just love being close to him.

Our situation means that we only get to do it once every 1-2 weeks, again this isn't the problem, because I know if the situation was different we'd do it every day.
Again, the situation means things generally have to be rushed, so there's not a whole pile I can do about that, so again, that doesn't bother me.

But here's what does make me think every so often:-
Sex with my bf is exactly this:-
Kiss a little, then the kissing gets steamy, then we strip, he puts on a condom, he penetrates me (or I'm on top) thrust for a few minutes & all's over. He cleans himself up, comes back to me & we cuddle for a bit, then get dressed.

Not exactly mind blowing, is it!!!! Now, like I said, the most precious thing for me is just holding him in my arms (vomit I know, but actually true) & our situation isn't ideal, but still, it could be a bit better.
We're no teenagers, which makes it hard for me to say anything. I'm his 1st proper girlfriend. I mean, yes he would have had sex with other people, but they would also just have been rushed experiences. I honestly think he knows no better.
I really don't want to dent his confidence by saying something. I've tried to hold off on the penetration but he says if he doesn't, the show will be over before it starts!!!

What do I do?

We've been away plenty of times together where we've had the whole night long to do whatever we want, & it's been the exact same as described above.
He's very very briefly done digital twice & has never done oral, I don't think he likes the idea, he doesn't play with my breasts (but he does play with my bum a lot), he doesn't kiss me anywhere but my lips.

BUT:- there has been two occasions where we haven't had a condom, so sex was off the cards & both times where fantastic!!!! Hands / lips etc, were everywhere, I thought I was gonna explode (Though I'm a bit like that anyway: want it more when I know I can't have it)

It's actually really sore whenhe first penetrates me, because I'm not near ready for it, we've just started kissing, so I'm only just getting warm when he's finished, so you've guessed it:- I've never cum with him, I finish my self off after when I'm on my own (i know he wouldn't like to watch)

I love him to bits, this isn't a big deal for me, but jay8 got me thinking & I definitely would like a bit more spark.
Any suggestions on what you'd do?
I don't want to say it straight out, but he's not getting my hints about delaying penetration?

Any suggestions?

Talliesin

Teach him how to have sex.

free2fly

You need to communicate your needs to him openly and honestly or this is going to become a huge problem at some point. As much as you say it isn't, it is, or you wouldn't be on here asking for advice. You will grow to resent him if your own needs are not being met. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Tell him how it was when you didn't have a condom. You need to help him by communicating to him what your needs are. He probably doesn't know that you have needs if you've never said anything to him before. You don't have to say that he is crap in bed or anything. Just tell him that you'd like to experiment with more foreplay. And tell him what you like.

Ruu_Old

Exactly, just guide each other in whatever way works best for you both. It can be lots of fun experimenting. Best of luck and be patient.

Talliesin

Take the lead and make love to him. Do something with him.

Get your room set up nice, start romantic, get raunchy, then tell him that there's a "no penetration" rule in force for the night.

hunnymonster

On a practical level, if he gives you the line about it being over before it's even begun, start off by masterbating him. Have a few cuddles, kissing etc.* It will take him longer for round two and he'll have more time to concentrate on you. At the very least you need to insist he doesn't enter you until you're ready. Sex shouldn't be painful, unless that's the intention but that's a whole other ball game.


Another possibility is to have him watch you satisfy yourself. He probably just doesn't know what it takes to get you off.



*(If you're using condoms for contraception, you'll probably have to have a highly unromantic clean-up)

Talliesin

hunnymonster wrote:

Sex shouldn't be painful, unless that's the intention but that's a whole other ball game.

Yes. The shocking thing is the OP is describing something that can be quite fun to do as a game but that game has to have its rewards for the person submitting to the wham-bang sessions to be fun for all concerned

LegacyUser

i think being close to someone and just holding them and cuddeling is a great experience ( go on, let the muppets critise me and say I sud sleep with them ) but being that close to them without any sex can be really enjoyable and makes u feel great about urself..

just taught I'd add that in there..

vermont

browns wrote:

i think being close to someone and just holding them and cuddeling is a great experience ( go on, let the muppets critise me and say I sud sleep with them ) but being that close to them without any sex can be really enjoyable and makes u feel great about urself..

just taught I'd add that in there..

Yeah you're right, and it really makes the atmosphere right for talking about what you want...

OP, have you asked him why he's not so keen on oral or on seeing you masturbate? Oral (either you on him, or him on you, but especially him on you) would be a great way of getting you ready at the start so things wouldn't be painful.
And if he finishes up before you, make him watch you finish!! Then on to round 2 hopefully

Talliesin

browns wrote:

i think being close to someone and just holding them and cuddeling is a great experience

Yes it is. It's one of the best things in the world. What's the relevance though?

bolliwoodi

Buggered wrote:

Hi all, don't wanna to reg for this one.

Going out with my bf for some time now. Love him to bits as he does me. We're crazy about each other etc, & plan to spend the rest of our lives together, so it is a serious relationship (just to get that clear) & I'm not about to leave him, or even think less of him over the little issue I'm about to discuss.

Jay8's thread got me thinking, when reading all your replies.
Our sex life isn't great.

This doesn't exactly get me down or anything. The great thing about sex for me is the closeness you get when skin touches skin, if you know what I mean.
It doesn't matter that penetration lasts 2 minutes or 5 minutes, or 30 minutes, nor does it matter if he's big or small, I just love being close to him.

Our situation means that we only get to do it once every 1-2 weeks, again this isn't the problem, because I know if the situation was different we'd do it every day.
Again, the situation means things generally have to be rushed, so there's not a whole pile I can do about that, so again, that doesn't bother me.

But here's what does make me think every so often:-
Sex with my bf is exactly this:-
Kiss a little, then the kissing gets steamy, then we strip, he puts on a condom, he penetrates me (or I'm on top) thrust for a few minutes & all's over. He cleans himself up, comes back to me & we cuddle for a bit, then get dressed.

Not exactly mind blowing, is it!!!! Now, like I said, the most precious thing for me is just holding him in my arms (vomit I know, but actually true) & our situation isn't ideal, but still, it could be a bit better.
We're no teenagers, which makes it hard for me to say anything. I'm his 1st proper girlfriend. I mean, yes he would have had sex with other people, but they would also just have been rushed experiences. I honestly think he knows no better.
I really don't want to dent his confidence by saying something. I've tried to hold off on the penetration but he says if he doesn't, the show will be over before it starts!!!

What do I do?

We've been away plenty of times together where we've had the whole night long to do whatever we want, & it's been the exact same as described above.
He's very very briefly done digital twice & has never done oral, I don't think he likes the idea, he doesn't play with my breasts (but he does play with my bum a lot), he doesn't kiss me anywhere but my lips.

BUT:- there has been two occasions where we haven't had a condom, so sex was off the cards & both times where fantastic!!!! Hands / lips etc, were everywhere, I thought I was gonna explode (Though I'm a bit like that anyway: want it more when I know I can't have it)

It's actually really sore whenhe first penetrates me, because I'm not near ready for it, we've just started kissing, so I'm only just getting warm when he's finished, so you've guessed it:- I've never cum with him, I finish my self off after when I'm on my own (i know he wouldn't like to watch)

I love him to bits, this isn't a big deal for me, but jay8 got me thinking & I definitely would like a bit more spark.
Any suggestions on what you'd do?
I don't want to say it straight out, but he's not getting my hints about delaying penetration?

Any suggestions?

well obviously hes a man that foreplay doesnt do it for him-Some men are like that-My ex was-and i had to tell him that women are not robots-we cant just turn it on and off like men can.If he just shoves it in without getting you ready he can hurt u a lot.

A bf did that to me b4- shoved it in before i was ready-TORE my insides up(literley)I had to go to the doc and all cos he tore my skin inside me(Like a carpet burn)

I know your worried about denting his confidence but you have to talk to him about this-Explain that while you love having sex with him that you need a bit more than kissing as foreplay-If that doesnt work I always found your imagination can get you going before he penetrates you.

good luck

Kell

Buggered wrote:

It's actually really sore whenhe first penetrates me, because I'm not near ready for it,

I am sorry, but I just dont get this. You'd actually endure pain than point out "whoaah bud, get the fúck out of there"? So what if he gets there before the show begins. With the exception of stolen nights away, have you never masturbated eachother?

Buggered wrote:

I finish my self off after when I'm on my own (i know he wouldn't like to watch)

Men like to watch. Are you SURE he would not like to? Again, see first point about mutual masturbation.

Buggered wrote:

but he's not getting my hints about delaying penetration? Any suggestions?

Only one thing for it lady. Tell him outstraight and for once, fúck what he thinks. You need to explain, forcefully, how you work and what flicks your switch. I know you said you wouldnt, but if he doesnt get this or doesnt take your advice, dump him.

There are plenty of blokes out there who know what to do with a womans body that will have you screaming from the rafters and squishing all over the bedsheets. Would you rather that than wham bam and not even a thank you mam, and being sore in the process?

K-

Talliesin

Kell wrote:

I am sorry, but I just dont get this. You'd actually endure pain than point out "whoaah bud, get the fúck out of there"?

Exactly. While few men want to hear "eh, what exactly are you doing, that's not how you have sex" sometimes they need to.

Kell wrote:

Men like to watch. Are you SURE he would not like to? Again, see first point about mutual masturbation.

I agree that it's possible that she is misjudging this point. That said, lots of men don't like to watch women masturbate for a variety of reasons, though one of the main reasons some men don't is the feeling that they haven't managed to do things correctly - which in his case is exactly what he needs to feel.

There are plenty of people who have posted on PI who seem to think that what he is doing is how you have sex, often then asking advice here because they aren't good at it which they seem to think is largely about how long you can go at it.

Unfortunately the sexual practice described can only be good as a form of kinky foreplay (have regular quick shags without the woman being allowed to masturbate, build up the sexual tension on her part until she's nearly begging for proper sex - works well with "sex slave" type role play). Tempted to suggest to the OP that she ask him "hey, the sex slave game is fun and all, but when are we going to do it properly?" though that probably wouldn't translate correctly.

A lot will depend on his attitude to sex.

Worse case scenario is he doesn't actually like sex as such. This is more common than you might think As such he'll happily do enough to satisfy biological urges, but really not have much interest beyond that.

Best case scenario is he probably already feels he's not doing it right and would like to learn more if only the OP would teach him.

In between are a bunch of possible fears, concerns, myths (maybe he thinks he's good at it, maybe he thinks what the OP is describing is sex rather than "well, technically it's sex, I suppose"), prejudices, insecurities, turn-ons, turn-offs and so on.

It's also possible he has something he'd really like to explore but is scared of vocalising, and that's leading him to shut down the sexual part of his psyche to the barely functional.

Marksie

Buggered wrote:

Again, the situation means things generally have to be rushed, so there's not a whole pile I can do about that, so again, that doesn't bother me.?

A couple of points here.. why does it have to be rushed? It is better to make time and explore. Despite what you say, it does bother you or you wouldn't be here posting.

Buggered wrote:

I really don't want to dent his confidence by saying something. I've tried to hold off on the penetration but he says if he doesn't, the show will be over before it starts!!!
What do I do??

There are many ways of telling someone without hurting their feelings. You dont have to say YOU DONT do that to me YOU ARE CRAP. Reverse it, i really feel i want to try this... will you help me. Show him. There is a "rule as such which you may want to apply. If you want your partner to become an ecstatic lover, become one yourself. Make love to him like you want him to make love to you in other words.
But i think you should step back and look what is the basic issue: It is not that he is less than exciting in bed, it is more fundamental than that: Communication, you are frightened of talking and communicating needs and desires.
Men as lovers do dont spring fully formed athena like into being. They have to learn like anyone else. You seem to be unsure of him in terms of experience even, it is obvious that there is no real communication between the two of you. You are unwilling to teach and talk for fear of hurting, and he is either too unsure or not knowledgeable enough to know any different and alter what is effectively a routine... break that mould and teach him about yourself and learn about him as well. That is the initial starting point

If you open lines of communication and begin to explore then, there are some very good books out there, which make fun reading for two and definitely give ideas. From massage to all sorts of foreplay to different positions , but you may have to take the lead initially. Just do a google serach or amazon..something like that. (If you like make it the starting point to open communication, leave the book out and say you received it as a kris kringle.. it may be better than saying.. sit down we have to talk... its an option... remember colm meany in teh snapper reading the book ).

Buggered wrote:

We've been away plenty of times together where we've had the whole night long to do whatever we want, & it's been the exact same as described above.
He's very very briefly done digital twice & has never done oral, I don't think he likes the idea, he doesn't play with my breasts (but he does play with my bum a lot), he doesn't kiss me anywhere but my lips.?

Then again you kiss him, tale the lead, he is your lover true, but you are also his, show him what you would like, but be prepared to be gentle about it and be preparde to blow his mind first... remember that rule??

Buggered wrote:

BUT:- there has been two occasions where we haven't had a condom, so sex was off the cards & both times where fantastic!!!! Hands / lips etc, were everywhere, I thought I was gonna explode (Though I'm a bit like that anyway: want it more when I know I can't have it)?

THERE you go.. there is a starting point.. "Do you remember when we couldnt have sex cos there was no condom.. well that really did it for me... leyts try that again you were spuerb then"..see positive reaffirming good starting point .

Buggered wrote:

It's actually really sore whenhe first penetrates me, because I'm not near ready for it, we've just started kissing, so I'm only just getting warm when he's finished, so you've guessed it:- I've never cum with him, I finish my self off after when I'm on my own (i know he wouldn't like to watch)?

Have you asked him whether he would like to watch, just do it anyway in front of him. Again it is back to teh fundamental basic of poor communication at the fundamental level between lovers.

Buggered wrote:

Anysuggestions on what you'd do?
I don't want to say it straight out, but he's not getting my hints about delaying penetration?

Any suggestions?

Take control, talk, communicate, YOU become the lover you would like him to be and eventually he will become what you want.

BaZmO*

Talliesin wrote:

Tempted to suggest to the OP that she ask him "hey, the sex slave game is fun and all, but when are we going to do it properly?" though that probably wouldn't translate correctly.

I always find it interesting that you nearly always suggest domination/roleplay to posters that are having prolems between the sheets. While it's not necessarily a bad thing, I do think it's a tad too much too soon in most cases. Just an observation.

Anyway, OP. You really need to talk to him about the problem. I don't think that you need to "sit him down" to tell him where it's going wrong. I think the best course of action would be to tell him what you want him to do to you while you're just getting started, i.e. when you're kissing each other. In between kisses tell him what you want him to do to you. "Kiss me here", "touch me there", etc., etc. That way it doesn't seem like you're lecturing him, or even worse, out with the clipboard ticking off the bad points like a driving instructor after a test, which the deed is done.

But whatever way you decide to tell him, you HAVE to tell him. Otherwise nothing will change.

Talliesin

BaZmO* wrote:

I always find it interesting that you nearly always suggest domination/roleplay to posters that are having prolems between the sheets. While it's not necessarily a bad thing, I do think it's a tad too much too soon in most cases. Just an observation.

I didn't actually suggest any domination or roleplay above, and in the only recent thread were someone did suggest that as a possible way to find a solution to their problem I said "works for some, but would probably just introduce another complicating factor".

That said, I do sometimes tend to follow "don't do that it won't be nice" with thinking "hmm, actually that not being nice is fun sometimes". We all have our biases

BaZmO*

Talliesin wrote:

I didn't actually suggest any domination or roleplay above, and in the only recent thread were someone did suggest that as a possible way to find a solution to their problem I said "works for some, but would probably just introduce another complicating factor".

That said, I do sometimes tend to follow "don't do that it won't be nice" with thinking "hmm, actually that not being nice is fun sometimes". We all have our biases

Not having a go at you. It's just an observation. But you did say.....

Talliesin wrote:

works well with "sex slave" type role play). Tempted to suggest to the OP that she ask him "hey, the sex slave game is fun and all, but when are we going to do it properly?" though that probably wouldn't translate correctly.

Granted that you did say that you were Tempted. But it's like saying, "Don' think of a Pink Elephant"

LegacyUser

I hear you all, thanks for the replies.

But I've known this guy for a very long time & I know he'd be absolutely mortified if I did / said 1/2 of that's been suggested here.

He's very shy about sex, I mean, very very!!
If he accidentally touches my boob, or touches it thinking it was another part of my body (not that my boob feels / looks like an elbox or anything!!!), he apologizes!!!
I reassure him that that's pretty much why they're there & that I'd be well pleased if he did it more often.
Every time he does something that I like, I let him know how much I like it & what it does to me, but that doesn't seem to matter, next time he ignores these pointers, unless he accidentally stumbles across one or two of them again.
He embarrasses easily about this sort of thing.
On a few occassions the actual penetration part has been fantastic, & I tell him how good it was, how crazy he made me feel etc, (he tells me to shut up (in an embarrassed kind of way) & changes the subject)
I know he would be very uncomfortable if he had to watch me get myself off, I know he almost feels like a peeping tom if he sees me naked (when we're not at it) & isn't at all comfortable with it. Watching me at it (at the present time) would be about 10 steps too far for him.

I give him oral from time to time, because I love it.
He loves the feeling, hates the idea of it though. Thinks it's very degrading for me. I guess he might feel that mauling me is the same???
Thing is, at present we have no privacy at all. Sex is during a sneaky 5 minutes somewhere.
Unfortunately this means I don't have time to blow him off & then prepare for seconds.
Again, due to privacy, there's no option to leave books lying around.

But overall, this is a very small issue in comparison to the wonderful wonderful life we share together & I would never ever give up what we have together for a better shag with someone else.
Because, at the end of the day, when that *technically* better shag is not with the person you want it to be with, then it's not actually a better shag at all.

Thanks for all your comments.

Talliesin

BaZmO* wrote:

Not having a go at you. It's just an observation. But you did say.....

I just feel hypocritical saying here "don't do that, it is painful/unsatisfying/unfair/etc." when I do it myself because I like things painful/unsatisfying(until later)/unfair/etc.

r3nu4l

Talliesin wrote:

I didn't actually suggest any domination or roleplay above, and in the only recent thread were someone did suggest that as a possible way to find a solution to their problem I said "works for some, but would probably just introduce another complicating factor".

I can vouch for that

Anyway, OP, if you are his first proper girlfriend then perhaps you should take the lead a bit. So one night, tell him that you want to make him feel good, take over a bit, have him lie on his back and then use your hands and mouth to pleasure him. Before you start, reassure him and let him know that it's fine for him to 'finish before it starts'.

Then perhaps you can guide his hands to you after he's finished and later, help him again and this time control it, you on top, you decide when penetration occurs.

OP: given your last post there, I think you do need to sit down and talk to him about it specifically. Don't let him start blushing and changing the subject and worming away from it. The sex isn't going to change until his attitude does.
And for goodness' sakes, if it hurts because you haven't had enough foreplay and aren't ready yet, tell him.

He loves the feeling, hates the idea of it though. Thinks it's very degrading for me.

My current bf thought something along those lines once. I made it very clear to him that I wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with which included that - I quite enjoy it. He got over it and has no problems suggesting it now.

Because, at the end of the day, when that *technically* better shag is not with the person you want it to be with, then it's not actually a better shag at all.

That [whether it's true or not] does not mean by any stretch that bad sex is something you must put up with indefinitely for love.
He loves you too, so he should be just as prepared to make you happy as you are him. That includes in bed.

Beruthiel

buggered wrote:

He loves the feeling, hates the idea of it though. Thinks it's very degrading for me. I guess he might feel that mauling me is the same???

This got me wondering if there was something in his past that has him looking at sex this way?

Now I know you say you tell him when you like something he's doing.
Why not just tell him straight out before you start? Do that (insert whatever here) to me again, that really turned me on last time and I've been thinking of doing it again all day. That's not a big leap to start with.

I think you can get there if you start small and not throw it at him all at once.
Once he's got one little technique down, teach him another.
I'm guessing that he rarely makes you cum, I don't see the point of sex if that doesn't happen somewhere along the way.
Despite what you say, you must be frustrated, this is easy to fix if you wish and why wouldn't you for a better sex life that will even bring you closer together.

Talliesin

buggered wrote:

He's very shy about sex, I mean, very very!!

Right, now we're getting somewhere.

The more information we have the more focused we can be and the less it's a matter of myself and/or marksuttonie flying off on tangents and ranting about phallocentric ideas about sex.

Shyness isn't the worse possible reason for these sorts of issues. It would be much worse if he thought he was the world's greatest lover. Would he consider himself shy, or does he think his response is "normal". If he would consider himself shy then things are likely much easier to resolve.

buggered wrote:

If he accidentally touches my boob, or touches it thinking it was another part of my body (not that my boob feels / looks like an elbox or anything!!!), he apologizes!!!

You could try to get him to just sit down with you and explore your breasts. Not as foreplay, not as something that's happening before penetration and there's going to be someone else here in about 15minutes so we'd better get on with it. Just getting to be more comfortable with touching your body and with enjoying it and with no other pressures beyond that.

buggered wrote:

I know he almost feels like a peeping tom if he sees me naked (when we're not at it) & isn't at all comfortable with it.

Nudity is something one can get used to quite quickly. Be more naked more often.

buggered wrote:

He loves the feeling, hates the idea of it though. Thinks it's very degrading for me. I guess he might feel that mauling me is the same???

You need to talk about how it feels for you. And how it feels for you to hear him describe something that you enjoy doing described as degrading to you.

buggered wrote:

Unfortunately this means I don't have time to blow him off & then prepare for seconds.

Then leave the seconds. Work on getting things good rather than getting things perfect.

buggered wrote:

Again, due to privacy, there's no option to leave books lying around.

I'm never too sure about the "leave books around" idea. Especially when he's the one that's being shy. Leaving books around is one thing when there's something you want to get into but you're too shy to suggest yourself. Sticking a book in his hand and telling him to read it and then going away so he can do so (he'll obviously not want to do so when you're there, if he's shy) might be an idea though.

buggered wrote:

But overall, this is a very small issue in comparison to the wonderful wonderful life we share together & I would never ever give up what we have together for a better shag with someone else.
Because, at the end of the day, when that *technically* better shag is not with the person you want it to be with, then it's not actually a better shag at all.

It is. It's about expressing what the two of you have, and that's good. That said there's a difference between the world's greatest love poetry and "yeah, I like you, 'spose". The poetry may or may not be out of reach, but if you can at least get him eloquent enough to express "I love you" in bed rather than "yeah, I like you, 'spose" you will probably both be happier for it.

Kell

buggered wrote:

But overall, this is a very small issue in comparison to the wonderful wonderful life we share together

Yet you come onto a public forum and expose the inner working of your heart and your obvious disappointment with your sex life? My fúcking arse its not a big one for you. I mean come on- you can honestly say that you'll be happy in 20 years time with a few kids and a hubby who by then will be more interested in the footie and a few beers than giving you the ride of your life? Jeebus- you have great expectations for yourself.

buggered wrote:

Because, at the end of the day, when that *technically* better shag is not with the person you want it to be with, then it's not actually a better shag at all.

Who's to say that you wont meet someone else that you will feel "more" for and have the best sex you ever had? I am not necessarily advocating dumping him because, to put it bluntly, his attitude towards sex is fúcking retarded. While I accept that there "may" be a gazillion reasons why he is this way, it is still fúcking retarded. I know sexually abused women with a healthier outlook on sex.

Look at your choices-

1) Stay with the guy and, should your talks and feelings fall on deaf ears, you're doomed to have an unhappy sex life until the end of your days. You can bleat on about how unimportant your sex life is, but thats utter bóllix. Its a HUGE part of a loving relationship

2) Leave the guy. In time meet some super duper fandabidozy bloke who makes the earth move and gives you goose pimples just looking at him

You never said how long you are going out with this chap. If it is any length of time AND so far your thoughts and feelings have fallen on deaf ears, what does this tell you about the future. Also, observe the following-

1) To date he hasnt been able to get over his hang ups despite the fact that it will please you. Now, you're not asking him to rub shíte on your títs, all seems above board

2) So far, he hasnt really listened to what you say

3) What does this SPELL OUT TO YOU as to the value he places on you and your happiness?

Do you really want to spend your life with someone who cant get over themselves and pay attention to your happiness in the sack?

K-

Marksie

I am not going to rehash Talleisins post as it pretty much covers a lot of ground.

But why do you only have 5 minutes for intimacy? Would it not be possible to book a night in hotels, even during the week? make space for each other.

It is going to be a long process between the two of you, but as beruthiel said start small... even start dressed. A slight touch on the arm for example, get used to physical intimacy outside of the bedroom and work through on that.

As you said anyway you have a great relationship..so there is no rush to learn, you will hopefully have the rest of your lives.

Lol actually i hadn't meant that you leave books around per-se, and maybe now we have more information getting them may be for later down the line once intimacy has been established.

The "shyness" may be indicative of something, it may not so we wont dwell on why he is shy. Fact is open communication is what is going to move you both onwards. If he forgets what he did last time, gently show him.

From what you are saying the basics of your relationship is sound. and like any good foundation it will determine what the rest of the structure is like.

walshb

No disrespect, but he sounds extremely boring and unadventurous as regards sex. Is he really attracted to you, because it sounds like he is NOT. If I was really lusting for a girl or fancied her like mad, she is getting everything all the time. And if he is realy attracted to you, he has a funny way of showing it.

merritt

Kell wrote:

Now, you're not asking him to rub shíte on your títs, all seems above board

Just spluttered Lemsip all over my monitor. You tell it like it is, Kell!


Some good advice here though. Sexuality is such a complex thing and we are so pressured into feeling that we must all be expert lovers. It sounds like the OP and her fella have a good foundation to build on though, but she has to verbalise what she wants (delicately - men can be a bit fúcked up around sex and self esteem).

Good luck!

LegacyUser

merritt wrote:

she has to verbalise what she wants (delicately - men can be a bit fúcked up around sex and self esteem).

Exactly, that's my problem! I know how senstivie they are around this area & any criticisms of them around this area.

& it honestly isn't something I think all that much about, honestly!
The only thing that got me even thinking about it was another thread when ye all were describing great things to do to a partner, & I was thinking 'that'd be nice, that'd be nice too.....'

It's not something that has me lying awake at night.

Yes he's attracted to me, very much so & he loves me to bits. Shows me & tells me all the time, it's just he's not that expressive in bed.

Yes, I'm as much to blame! I'm too shy to tell him what I want, but I believe this is because I know his attitude to sex.

He's an arse man, & trust me, if the rest of me got as much attention as my arse does, I'd be a very very happy & satisfied woman, it's just it takes a lot more than that to get my juices flowing (not meant to be graphical there!!!!)

I think he's also afraid to doing it wrong, or looking like he doesn't know what he's doing (as I said, we're getting on in years. I've been in a few very long term relationships so he knows i'm a lot more experienced), so he chooses to do nothing instead.

I get a lot of knots in my back & one eve one of my shoulders was in agony. I begged him to give it a small massage (didn't ask for music, oils, aromatherapy etc, etc, just a 2 minuter rub), he point blankly refused.
Again, this was not because he was being ignorant to my feelings, just because it's something he NEVER did before & he doesn't know what to do & doesn't want to feel stupid.
I think that's exactly his attitude to sex.

(God I'm afraid to give too much away in case he reads this but:-)
He's also my most tickly person I've ever met! (I don't know if this is just because he's not used to being touched by people, or if he's just very sensitive to touch.
Absolutely everything I do tickles him! Can't rub him / kiss him anywhere, which makes my part of foreplay very limited also. (That bit does get to me at times, because I'm a very hands on type person)
I mean, even performing oral on him tickles him & he has to try & put it to the back of his mind to actually enjoy the sensation.

& I know you are all trying to help, & you are doing so, & thanks very much for all the advice, I really appreciate it, but enough with the dumping him suggestions.
This guy means the absolute world to me & I would never choose to be without him, ever.
If being with him meant that I was never to have sex in my life ever again, I would choose him every time! & that is 100% true, believe me or not.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'd rather have both, but if I was made chose one or the other, it's no contest, he'd win hands down.

spinandscribble

your shoulders/back were in great pain, you begged him to help you and he didnt do it or even be the one to suggest to help because he didnt want to look silly doing it wrong? wow, loves not that powerful in some. if you love someone you shouldnt be afraid to look a fool in bed or beyond. when someone really loves you they'll love you no matter what.
this isnt about just sex, this guy has serious confidence issues and its up to you as his lover to help him.

sit him down and tell him how he could do the silliest things and make a complete fool of himself but that just makes you love him more because he put the chance of looking a fool aside to help you. thats love in action and nothing can compare to that.

drill this into him and also drill it into him he needs to get you more wet before you start because it hurts you. if he loves you, he should be more concerned with what your feeling then anything else, at the least care if he is hurting you.

you say you dont mind if your sex life stays this way. fine for some but for his sake incase things dont work out between you in the long run, its your duty to make him more experienced so that he wont still have no sexual confidence afterwards.

why settle when you can have a great sex life as well? he doesnt mind hurting you during sex, do you think its really so bad you talking about this to him for his own benefit even if it makes him embarassed.

you have communication problems and its important he knows you'd prefer him to try and mess up then not bother because it shows he cares enough about you to try

free2fly

Buggered wrote:

If being with him meant that I was never to have sex in my life ever again, I would choose him every time! & that is 100% true, believe me or not.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'd rather have both, but if I was made chose one or the other, it's no contest, he'd win hands down.

OMG OP!! I have to share a personal experience with you. I would rather PM you with it, but as you are unreg I can't. Please read this carefully and try to take in what I am saying. I said those exact words once. About my husband. I was very much in love with him and didn't think that our terrible sex life would affect our relationship. I was very, very wrong! After 10 years of a passionless, sex starved marriage I couldn't take it anymore. I left in June of last year. You may think that it won't ever matter to you, but it will. Trust me on that. If you want to PM me under your regular user name I would be happy to tell you exactly how it will begin to affect you. It was a horrible 10 years because I truly did love him to bits.

Burga Galti

You say that the time you can spend alone together is limited. I know that problem having been in a transatlantic relationship. The thing me and my girlfriend started doing was swapping erotic stories. These were completely fictional, but they gave us both an insight into the other's mind - which is the greatest aprodisiac of all.

I'd suggest trying it as it can be a useful tool for learning and getting other embarressing issues as well as working each other up for when you have those few minutes.

Beruthiel

free2fly wrote:

OMG OP!! I have to share a personal experience with you. I would rather PM you with it, but as you are unreg I can't. Please read this carefully and try to take in what I am saying. I said those exact words once. About my husband. I was very much in love with him and didn't think that our terrible sex life would affect our relationship. I was very, very wrong! After 10 years of a passionless, sex starved marriage I couldn't take it anymore. I left in June of last year. You may think that it won't ever matter to you, but it will. Trust me on that. If you want to PM me under your regular user name I would be happy to tell you exactly how it will begin to affect you. It was a horrible 10 years because I truly did love him to bits.

I thought the exact same thing as you have said above when I read that comment by the OP.
I would 100% agree with you free2fly, she doesn't mind now, but 10 years of that kinda nothing will slowly but surely finish the relationship. I'd bet money on it.

LegacyUser

'

spinandscribble wrote:

your shoulders/back were in great pain, you begged him to help you and he didnt do it or even be the one to suggest to help because he didnt want to look silly doing it wrong?

Well in fairness to him, he has realised that he should have tried that night (without me bringing it up again) & I have noticed him more & more slightly rubbing them when we're cuddling.
He's a strong guy! He gives me big hugs sometimes. I think they're about to snap me in two, yet he thinks he's barely squeezing!!
It's the same with the massage, he was afraid he'd hurt me, but I've reassured him, & have shown him how to do it.
I wouldn't say he's massaged my shoulders yet, but I know he's working up the courage (little by little, & each time I don't shout ouch he knows he can do a little more!)

sit him down and tell him how he could do the silliest things and make a complete fool of himself but that just makes you love him more

I tell him that all the time. He honestly knows I'd never judge him on anything, never think less of him for anything. I think he's afraid HE will think less of himself, less of a man, if he felt he was failing at something.

he doesnt mind hurting you during sex

Of course he does!!!!!!
When he first goes in, it's really slowly, & only as I say it's ok to go further.
Then he doesn't move until I say it's ok.
(It's only seconds before my insides open up & be comfortable)
He would NEVER bang away while I'm in pain, never.

Please don't pick me up wrong about that.
All I meant was that when he first enters me, I should be wet enough that he goes in with ease & this is not the case.'

spinandscribble

if its real love a bit of embarassing conversion for the two of you wont be damaging to your relationship.

Talliesin

merritt wrote:

Sexuality is such a complex thing and we are so pressured into feeling that we must all be expert lovers.

Which is of course something that makes it harder, rather than easier, to be any good, because people want to jump straight to "I am an expert". That said, someone who thinks they aren't any good probably has a better chance of improving their techniques than someone who thinks they are an expert.

There is also pressure to just be a lazy sod and to not try to be good. Look at the people in [thread=2055038971]this thread[/thread] suggesting the OP not try to be any good, but just use various tricks to be crap for longer.

Buggered wrote:

He's an arse man, & trust me, if the rest of me got as much attention as my arse does, I'd be a very very happy & satisfied woman, it's just it takes a lot more than that to get my juices flowing (not meant to be graphical there!!!!)

That's possibly a way in. If his motivations to get at your ass can help him overcome his shyness in general.

Buggered wrote:

I think he's also afraid to doing it wrong, or looking like he doesn't know what he's doing (as I said, we're getting on in years. I've been in a few very long term relationships so he knows i'm a lot more experienced), so he chooses to do nothing instead.

Which is all the more reason for him to realise that he doesn't know what he's doing, and you know he doesn't.

Gah! Some of the best fun I've had sexually have been when I didn't know what I was doing. And now I do know

Personally, I hope I can keep finding new things where I don't know what I'm doing for the rest of my life, and have every intention of looking for them.

Which relates to what merritt said about pressure to be an expert lover.

There are no expert lovers in the world, and there are no sex-experts except in a very narrow sense (and unless discussing the effects of different hormones upon the Skene's glands measured in a demographic cross-section of the population gets you wet, you don't want a sex expert in that sense).

However, we are fortunate to live in an era where we have easy access to information is such that we can be our own sex-experts - combining the factual information, the available opinions and our own experiences to both become technically better and, more importantly, to be better able to use or sexuality to express how we feel about our lovers and to share emotion and energy with them.

But nobody can leap-frog to that position. You can read Hugh Johnson's Pocket Wine Book every year but you won't know anything compared to someone who actually drinks a glass of good wine now and again.

You need to give him a space where it's okay to not be good - easier said than done I know.

Buggered wrote:

it's something he NEVER did before & he doesn't know what to do & doesn't want to feel stupid.

"If you're not prepared to look stupid, great things will never happen."

You could try doing something that's silly. It's hard to feel stupid when you're already being silly

Buggered wrote:

He's also my most tickly person I've ever met! (I don't know if this is just because he's not used to being touched by people, or if he's just very sensitive to touch.
Absolutely everything I do tickles him! Can't rub him / kiss him anywhere, which makes my part of foreplay very limited also. (That bit does get to me at times, because I'm a very hands on type person)
I mean, even performing oral on him tickles him & he has to try & put it to the back of his mind to actually enjoy the sensation.

Hmm. The tangent between myself and BaZmO* aside (which did start as something I said largely tounge-in-cheek rather than serious) but you could always tie him down. Not as a BD thing, just because the way it affects sensations and the ability to react to them can overcome ticklishness problems.

If he's as shy as you say though, that may not really be an option.

LegacyUser

OP: I can see exactly where Free2fly is coming from and it can be a
terrible dilemma to be madly in love with someone and then to let
years pass and let the issue of lack of intimacy burn you up (trust
me .. it will ... )

I've seen this from a male perspective and although I try not to be
judgemental (and without knowing the exact details of your partners
background...) these things are often rooted in he/she having an
upbringing where an extreme prudishness about sex/intimacy was
prevalent. It may not have been overt .. one/either or both parents
may have unwittingly shown awkwardness about matters sexual to
a degree that it becomes ingrained in their offspring in terms of
negative connotations about sex/intimacy.

You may have to tread lightly on this but really you should be prepared
to get to the root of why your partner is so coy about matters sexual.
Outwardly it may look like shyness but it may well be rooted in an
extreme conservative way of thinking that he didn't get "off the trees"
so as to speak. I see that some of the folks who responded recognised
that you both have communication issues. I can see that .. but I've
been in a similar situation with a partner for whom the whole bringing
up (no matter how sensitively) of sexual matters can be a real
"walking on eggshells" experience. In my experience people like this
can be very defended and unwilling to move outside their limited
comfort zone. In reality some psychosexual counselling is probably
what he needs but you risk the delicate issue of how to broach the
whole topic with him.

Kell

Buggered wrote:

Now, don't get me wrong, I'd rather have both, but if I was made chose one or the other, it's no contest, he'd win hands down.

Whoah whoah whoah. Jeebus h can you not see the wood for the fúcking trees here?!?!?!

First up- I am extremely tickly. I mean mental so to the point where I cant be touched sometimes. Does it stop me in bed or tell people to f off in the middle of sex or beginning of? No. Now, thats out of the way next.

You still havent gotten my point about him not paying attention to your needs. You still havent answered the question as to how long the two of you are together.

At the end of the day, he is CHOOSING not to fulfil you. As I said earlier, you are not asking him to do anything outrageous in the sack at all. He sounds like a bumbling teenager in this dept. Do you really want to waste your time with a bumbling teenager?

And whats this stay with him forever in spite of the obvious lark? Have you no aspirations for your own happiness?

K-

BaZmO*

Buggered wrote:

(as I said, we're getting on in years. I've been in a few very long term relationships so he knows i'm a lot more experienced), so he chooses to do nothing instead.

I actually got the impression that you were still both quite young. Especially since you said that you don't get to spend much time together and when you do it's a "wham bam that hurt man" session.

I'm kinda stumped as to what to say now other than I think you need to give him a reality check and he needs to start acting like a man and listen to what you have to say and then act on it.

LegacyUser

spinandscribble wrote:

if its real love a bit of embarassing conversion for the two of you wont be damaging to your relationship.

you're right, I know it wouldn't damage us in the slightest, it would be just that:- very embarrassing, but you're all right, I do need to say it.
He doesn't know to fix anything unless he knows it's broken in the first place, it's just I'm also not the best at discussing things I like sexually.

(A part of it was that we were best mates for years before getting together, so it feels strange talking about that sort of stuff!!)

& Free2fly:- I'm very sorry to hear about your story & Beruthiel, please don't take any bets!!! (That'd be like putting a curse on us, & in todays society it seems hard enough to keep things together without being cursed!!!)

Free2fly: I can't say "well we're not like you", because of course we could be exactly like how you were! What you say IS worrying.
If we got the opportunity, we wold have sex everyday. We are crazy about each other, & I truely believe when that day comes, we pretty much will.
I also wouldn't call it passionless.
When we're kissing it gets very steamy & he can't keep his hands off my bum (but only my bum), so much so we pull the clothes off each other (actually wouldn't be able to keep them on any longer if we tried) & he pulls me up onto him (both still in knickers before I start getting contraception warnings & I'm on the pill!!!) & I can feel him rock hard under me & he's still grabbing my arse vigorously & I'm dry rubbing myself along him & it feels fantastic!

I could easily continue at this for another 1/2, wishing he'd squeeze my boobs, kiss the back of my neck, rip my knickers off & penetrate me digitally, but instead it stops, we takes off my knickers, I take off his, he puts on a condom & we have sex.
What I described above is only a couple of minutes worth, but I wouldn't call it passionless, the duration's just not long enough to really get me going.

When we're not in a position to get steamy, we still spend practically all our time in each others arms kissing. We even joke that you'd swear we were 16!!!

That I think could also be part of it. When he was the age to be learning what he's trying to learn now, he was more interested in other stuff, so he is just unsure about what he's supposed to do & how he's supposed to do it, & he's now playing catch up & in saying that, hopefully practice will make perfect. (or as near to as possible:) )

Skiesonfire19

Teach him what's good for you, I have no problem asking my girlfriend what she prefers to be done, and she has no problem telling or asking me either! Communication is key to a good sex life!

Take his hand even and show him what to do, talk him thru things!

Skies

BaZmO*

Talliesin wrote:

Hmm. The tangent between myself and BaZmO* aside (which did start as something I said largely tounge-in-cheek rather than serious) but you could always tie him down. Not as a BD thing, just because the way it affects sensations and the ability to react to them can overcome ticklishness problems.

LOL.

Although in this case I think you might be onto something. I actually do think she should tie him to a bed and possibly gag him too, not for any sexual purposes though. She should do it so that he can't say anything or go anywhere while she tells him where he's going wrong. He might actually pay attention then.

LegacyUser

'

BaZmO* wrote:

I actually got the impression that you were still both quite young. Especially since you said that you don't get to spend much time together and when you do it's a "wham bam that hurt man" session.

I'm kinda stumped as to what to say now other than I think you need to give him a reality check and he needs to start acting like a man and listen to what you have to say and then act on it.

i didnt wanna be the first to say it but his attitude screams immature teenager, and as a girl in her late teens even i have to say, i've yet to come across a guy as closed minded/nervous as he seems and nearly all the guys i've been with have had zero experience with sex and foreplay. saying that they were all up for learning and experimenting.

the guy i dated with the most expierence on the other hand was awful at foreplay because he was like your guy, only wanted intercourse and couldnt be bothered with the rest.

the going down thing on him, well yeah the odd guy might not want to be so dominate or its wrong for you to do it for dignity sakes. i had a bf like that but eventually he would beg for it. he lightened up after awhile due to discussions. communication is key as someone already mentioned'

LegacyUser

'

Kell wrote:

You still havent answered the question as to how long the two of you are together.

Sorry Kell, we started having sex a year ago, almost to the day

And whats this stay with him forever in spite of the obvious lark? Have you no aspirations for your own happiness?

I'm being honest here. I've been with men that sexually fulfilled me (technically) better than my current bf, but the feeling of intimacy was never as intense as it is with my bf. Why, the person fulfilling my needs wasn't the person I wanted.

My bf is.

We've a long history, that I'm not going to get into here, but please trust me when I say I don't want anyone else, I really don't.

I think you're right about the stumbling teenager bit, see my last post, but teenagers grow up.

It isn't infatuation that I'm feeling for him that makes me dismiss dumping him. I've loved before, intensely, but it was never the same as this. He's the missing piece of the puzzle that is me, he is "the one" if you believe in such things.

I am aspiring to be happy. He makes me happy, every day of my life, even long before he was my bf. I've never been happier in my whole life.
Even in sex he makes me very happy, but he could definitely make me happier (in that department only).'

spinandscribble

BaZmO* wrote:

LOL.

Although in this case I think you might be onto something. I actually do think she should tie him to a bed and possibly gag him too, not for any sexual purposes though. She should do it so that he can't say anything or go anywhere while she tells him where he's going wrong. He might actually pay attention then.

and the courts will find in her favour im sure :eek:

if he was kinkier you could start off by tieing him up and talking it out but from the sounds of this guy he wouldnt wanna be tied up. i doubt they have the time.

is it not possible you two could go on a weekend away or something? im starting to think you might be teenagers if you really cant make time for eachother.

Beruthiel

Buggered wrote:

& Free2fly:- I'm very sorry to hear about your story & Beruthiel, please don't take any bets!!! (That'd be like putting a curse on us, & in todays society it seems hard enough to keep things together without being cursed!!!

I have no wish to curse you. I believe what we were trying to say is, sort it out now before you find yourself in that situation in ten years time.

free2fly

Beruthiel wrote:

I have no wish to curse you. I believe what we were trying to say is, sort it out now before you find yourself in that situation in ten years time.

Agreed. That is exactly what I was trying to say.

Kell

Buggered wrote:

Sorry Kell, we started having sex a year ago, almost to the day

:rolleyes:

Buggered wrote:

I think you're right about the stumbling teenager bit, see my last post, but teenagers grow up.

You have extraordinary patience then. If, and only speaking for me, after twelve months my partner still had the same hang ups they had from day one and declined to make me happy in the sack, they'd be gone. In fact, they wouldnt even make the three month mark.

K-

Marksie

BaZmO* wrote:

Although in this case I think you might be onto something. I actually do think she should tie him to a bed and possibly gag him too, not for any sexual purposes though. She should do it so that he can't say anything or go anywhere while she tells him where he's going wrong. He might actually pay attention then.

Actually i was thinking that very same thing myself .

What surprised me as i read on in this thread is the complete assertation of intimacy that you are espousing.

I am really not sure on this, as true intimacy is a sharing, communication and trust development issue. It is about being willing to touch and massage without personal return.
Damn my bus is leaving but quickly: I wondering if you are projecting an image of intimacy because that is what you want to see.
I will try and edit later..unless someone wants to continue on.

LegacyUser

'But that's the thing.

We share everything, we tell each other everything, but I just can't seem to find the courage to bring this subject up, for fear of making him feel useless.

I can tell him:- don't go over there, I've just farted (even though I don't fart of course I'm a lady!!!) & he tells me to go over there cos he has farted & is proud of it!!!
Tell him my most embarassing secrets (that I've told no one) & he's done likewise
Tell him my fears, medical conditions.
We discuss our hopes & plans for our future together
We've openly discussed issues with our relationship as they arose without a seconds thought.
He's held my hair back when I've got sick, I've nursed him when he's sick, drove him everywhere when he broke a leg.

We share food, drink, money, have even shared a toothbrush without a second thought.

He's cried to me, I've cried to him.

We each put the other one first in every decision we make (though you'd prob tell me different with regards to sex)

We are completely open to each other about absolutely everything in our lives, except this.

As far as I can see it, this is the only small issue we have, & it's the only area where we have a lack of communication'

LegacyUser

'With regard to intimacy...

OP : Is it safe to say that he's never gone down on you voluntarily or
made you cum by rubbing you digitally in a situation where he seems
to be as interested (or more) in making you climax as opposed to himself ?

This is a key part of intimacy (for me anyway). I heard it referred somewhere
as "polar sex" (possibly by John Gray). The idea being that there is great
power in demonstrating occasionally to your lover that you can be just
as excited and exhilirated by *giving* pleasure exclusively as opposed
to over focussing on both of you climaxing together. I'm guessing that you are feeling a deficit of him actually going out of his way to do something to make you feel really good. Instead he is going through the motions in a very orthodox and un-enriching way...

I've had the problem where my female partner stops me from going down
on her. I've tried on a few occasions but gave up because she usually
gently protests that "it won't be nice for you.... ". I think unfortunately
for some the whole idea that giving pleasure can even surpass receiving
when its with the right person just goes above some folks heads

Sorry for ruminating. Not sure if this is familiar territory for you in
your situation...'

Kell

Buggered wrote:

I just can't seem to find the courage to bring this subject up, for fear of making him feel useless.

Time to call a spade a spade. If he sucks, or not as the case may be, time to tell him.

Anyways, thats my six cents at least.

Have a good evening all- I'm off.

K-