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Sex life isn't great!!

  • 10-01-2007 05:58PM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi all, don't wanna to reg for this one.

    Going out with my bf for some time now. Love him to bits as he does me. We're crazy about each other etc, & plan to spend the rest of our lives together, so it is a serious relationship (just to get that clear) & I'm not about to leave him, or even think less of him over the little issue I'm about to discuss.

    Jay8's thread got me thinking, when reading all your replies.
    Our sex life isn't great.

    This doesn't exactly get me down or anything. The great thing about sex for me is the closeness you get when skin touches skin, if you know what I mean.
    It doesn't matter that penetration lasts 2 minutes or 5 minutes, or 30 minutes, nor does it matter if he's big or small, I just love being close to him.

    Our situation means that we only get to do it once every 1-2 weeks, again this isn't the problem, because I know if the situation was different we'd do it every day.
    Again, the situation means things generally have to be rushed, so there's not a whole pile I can do about that, so again, that doesn't bother me.

    But here's what does make me think every so often:-
    Sex with my bf is exactly this:-
    Kiss a little, then the kissing gets steamy, then we strip, he puts on a condom, he penetrates me (or I'm on top) thrust for a few minutes & all's over. He cleans himself up, comes back to me & we cuddle for a bit, then get dressed.

    Not exactly mind blowing, is it!!!! Now, like I said, the most precious thing for me is just holding him in my arms (vomit I know, but actually true) & our situation isn't ideal, but still, it could be a bit better.
    We're no teenagers, which makes it hard for me to say anything. I'm his 1st proper girlfriend. I mean, yes he would have had sex with other people, but they would also just have been rushed experiences. I honestly think he knows no better.
    I really don't want to dent his confidence by saying something. I've tried to hold off on the penetration but he says if he doesn't, the show will be over before it starts!!!

    What do I do?

    We've been away plenty of times together where we've had the whole night long to do whatever we want, & it's been the exact same as described above.
    He's very very briefly done digital twice & has never done oral, I don't think he likes the idea, he doesn't play with my breasts (but he does play with my bum a lot), he doesn't kiss me anywhere but my lips.

    BUT:- there has been two occasions where we haven't had a condom, so sex was off the cards & both times where fantastic!!!! Hands / lips etc, were everywhere, I thought I was gonna explode (Though I'm a bit like that anyway: want it more when I know I can't have it)

    It's actually really sore whenhe first penetrates me, because I'm not near ready for it, we've just started kissing, so I'm only just getting warm when he's finished, so you've guessed it:- I've never cum with him, I finish my self off after when I'm on my own (i know he wouldn't like to watch)

    I love him to bits, this isn't a big deal for me, but jay8 got me thinking & I definitely would like a bit more spark.
    Any suggestions on what you'd do?
    I don't want to say it straight out, but he's not getting my hints about delaying penetration?

    Any suggestions?


«1

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    Teach him how to have sex.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 565 ✭✭✭free2fly


    You need to communicate your needs to him openly and honestly or this is going to become a huge problem at some point. As much as you say it isn't, it is, or you wouldn't be on here asking for advice. You will grow to resent him if your own needs are not being met. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Tell him how it was when you didn't have a condom. You need to help him by communicating to him what your needs are. He probably doesn't know that you have needs if you've never said anything to him before. You don't have to say that he is crap in bed or anything. Just tell him that you'd like to experiment with more foreplay. And tell him what you like.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 36,634 ✭✭✭✭Ruu_Old


    Exactly, just guide each other in whatever way works best for you both. It can be lots of fun experimenting. Best of luck and be patient. :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    Take the lead and make love to him. Do something with him.

    Get your room set up nice, start romantic, get raunchy, then tell him that there's a "no penetration" rule in force for the night.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,365 ✭✭✭hunnymonster


    On a practical level, if he gives you the line about it being over before it's even begun, start off by masterbating him. Have a few cuddles, kissing etc.* It will take him longer for round two and he'll have more time to concentrate on you. At the very least you need to insist he doesn't enter you until you're ready. Sex shouldn't be painful, unless that's the intention but that's a whole other ball game.


    Another possibility is to have him watch you satisfy yourself. He probably just doesn't know what it takes to get you off.



    *(If you're using condoms for contraception, you'll probably have to have a highly unromantic clean-up)


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    Sex shouldn't be painful, unless that's the intention but that's a whole other ball game.
    Yes. The shocking thing is the OP is describing something that can be quite fun to do as a game but that game has to have its rewards for the person submitting to the wham-bang sessions to be fun for all concerned :(


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    i think being close to someone and just holding them and cuddeling is a great experience ( go on, let the muppets critise me and say I sud sleep with them ) but being that close to them without any sex can be really enjoyable and makes u feel great about urself..

    just taught I'd add that in there..


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 33 vermont


    browns wrote:
    i think being close to someone and just holding them and cuddeling is a great experience ( go on, let the muppets critise me and say I sud sleep with them ) but being that close to them without any sex can be really enjoyable and makes u feel great about urself..

    just taught I'd add that in there..

    Yeah you're right, and it really makes the atmosphere right for talking about what you want...

    OP, have you asked him why he's not so keen on oral or on seeing you masturbate? Oral (either you on him, or him on you, but especially him on you) would be a great way of getting you ready at the start so things wouldn't be painful.
    And if he finishes up before you, make him watch you finish!! Then on to round 2 hopefully :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    browns wrote:
    i think being close to someone and just holding them and cuddeling is a great experience
    Yes it is. It's one of the best things in the world. What's the relevance though?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 249 ✭✭bolliwoodi


    Buggered wrote:
    Hi all, don't wanna to reg for this one.

    Going out with my bf for some time now. Love him to bits as he does me. We're crazy about each other etc, & plan to spend the rest of our lives together, so it is a serious relationship (just to get that clear) & I'm not about to leave him, or even think less of him over the little issue I'm about to discuss.

    Jay8's thread got me thinking, when reading all your replies.
    Our sex life isn't great.

    This doesn't exactly get me down or anything. The great thing about sex for me is the closeness you get when skin touches skin, if you know what I mean.
    It doesn't matter that penetration lasts 2 minutes or 5 minutes, or 30 minutes, nor does it matter if he's big or small, I just love being close to him.

    Our situation means that we only get to do it once every 1-2 weeks, again this isn't the problem, because I know if the situation was different we'd do it every day.
    Again, the situation means things generally have to be rushed, so there's not a whole pile I can do about that, so again, that doesn't bother me.

    But here's what does make me think every so often:-
    Sex with my bf is exactly this:-
    Kiss a little, then the kissing gets steamy, then we strip, he puts on a condom, he penetrates me (or I'm on top) thrust for a few minutes & all's over. He cleans himself up, comes back to me & we cuddle for a bit, then get dressed.

    Not exactly mind blowing, is it!!!! Now, like I said, the most precious thing for me is just holding him in my arms (vomit I know, but actually true) & our situation isn't ideal, but still, it could be a bit better.
    We're no teenagers, which makes it hard for me to say anything. I'm his 1st proper girlfriend. I mean, yes he would have had sex with other people, but they would also just have been rushed experiences. I honestly think he knows no better.
    I really don't want to dent his confidence by saying something. I've tried to hold off on the penetration but he says if he doesn't, the show will be over before it starts!!!

    What do I do?

    We've been away plenty of times together where we've had the whole night long to do whatever we want, & it's been the exact same as described above.
    He's very very briefly done digital twice & has never done oral, I don't think he likes the idea, he doesn't play with my breasts (but he does play with my bum a lot), he doesn't kiss me anywhere but my lips.

    BUT:- there has been two occasions where we haven't had a condom, so sex was off the cards & both times where fantastic!!!! Hands / lips etc, were everywhere, I thought I was gonna explode (Though I'm a bit like that anyway: want it more when I know I can't have it)

    It's actually really sore whenhe first penetrates me, because I'm not near ready for it, we've just started kissing, so I'm only just getting warm when he's finished, so you've guessed it:- I've never cum with him, I finish my self off after when I'm on my own (i know he wouldn't like to watch)

    I love him to bits, this isn't a big deal for me, but jay8 got me thinking & I definitely would like a bit more spark.
    Any suggestions on what you'd do?
    I don't want to say it straight out, but he's not getting my hints about delaying penetration?

    Any suggestions?

    well obviously hes a man that foreplay doesnt do it for him-Some men are like that-My ex was-and i had to tell him that women are not robots-we cant just turn it on and off like men can.If he just shoves it in without getting you ready he can hurt u a lot.

    A bf did that to me b4- shoved it in before i was ready-TORE my insides up(literley)I had to go to the doc and all cos he tore my skin inside me(Like a carpet burn)

    I know your worried about denting his confidence but you have to talk to him about this-Explain that while you love having sex with him that you need a bit more than kissing as foreplay-If that doesnt work I always found your imagination can get you going before he penetrates you.

    good luck


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭Kell


    Buggered wrote:
    It's actually really sore whenhe first penetrates me, because I'm not near ready for it,

    I am sorry, but I just dont get this. You'd actually endure pain than point out "whoaah bud, get the fúck out of there"? So what if he gets there before the show begins. With the exception of stolen nights away, have you never masturbated eachother?

    Buggered wrote:
    I finish my self off after when I'm on my own (i know he wouldn't like to watch)

    Men like to watch. Are you SURE he would not like to? Again, see first point about mutual masturbation.
    Buggered wrote:
    but he's not getting my hints about delaying penetration? Any suggestions?

    Only one thing for it lady. Tell him outstraight and for once, fúck what he thinks. You need to explain, forcefully, how you work and what flicks your switch. I know you said you wouldnt, but if he doesnt get this or doesnt take your advice, dump him.

    There are plenty of blokes out there who know what to do with a womans body that will have you screaming from the rafters and squishing all over the bedsheets. Would you rather that than wham bam and not even a thank you mam, and being sore in the process?

    K-


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    Kell wrote:
    I am sorry, but I just dont get this. You'd actually endure pain than point out "whoaah bud, get the fúck out of there"?
    Exactly. While few men want to hear "eh, what exactly are you doing, that's not how you have sex" sometimes they need to.
    Kell wrote:
    Men like to watch. Are you SURE he would not like to? Again, see first point about mutual masturbation.
    I agree that it's possible that she is misjudging this point. That said, lots of men don't like to watch women masturbate for a variety of reasons, though one of the main reasons some men don't is the feeling that they haven't managed to do things correctly - which in his case is exactly what he needs to feel.

    There are plenty of people who have posted on PI who seem to think that what he is doing is how you have sex, often then asking advice here because they aren't good at it which they seem to think is largely about how long you can go at it.

    Unfortunately the sexual practice described can only be good as a form of kinky foreplay (have regular quick shags without the woman being allowed to masturbate, build up the sexual tension on her part until she's nearly begging for proper sex - works well with "sex slave" type role play). Tempted to suggest to the OP that she ask him "hey, the sex slave game is fun and all, but when are we going to do it properly?" though that probably wouldn't translate correctly.

    A lot will depend on his attitude to sex.

    Worse case scenario is he doesn't actually like sex as such. This is more common than you might think :( As such he'll happily do enough to satisfy biological urges, but really not have much interest beyond that.

    Best case scenario is he probably already feels he's not doing it right and would like to learn more if only the OP would teach him.

    In between are a bunch of possible fears, concerns, myths (maybe he thinks he's good at it, maybe he thinks what the OP is describing is sex rather than "well, technically it's sex, I suppose"), prejudices, insecurities, turn-ons, turn-offs and so on.

    It's also possible he has something he'd really like to explore but is scared of vocalising, and that's leading him to shut down the sexual part of his psyche to the barely functional.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    Buggered wrote:
    Again, the situation means things generally have to be rushed, so there's not a whole pile I can do about that, so again, that doesn't bother me.?
    A couple of points here.. why does it have to be rushed? It is better to make time and explore. Despite what you say, it does bother you or you wouldn't be here posting.
    Buggered wrote:
    I really don't want to dent his confidence by saying something. I've tried to hold off on the penetration but he says if he doesn't, the show will be over before it starts!!!
    What do I do??
    There are many ways of telling someone without hurting their feelings. You dont have to say YOU DONT do that to me YOU ARE CRAP. Reverse it, i really feel i want to try this... will you help me. Show him. There is a "rule as such which you may want to apply. If you want your partner to become an ecstatic lover, become one yourself. Make love to him like you want him to make love to you in other words.
    But i think you should step back and look what is the basic issue: It is not that he is less than exciting in bed, it is more fundamental than that: Communication, you are frightened of talking and communicating needs and desires.
    Men as lovers do dont spring fully formed athena like into being. They have to learn like anyone else. You seem to be unsure of him in terms of experience even, it is obvious that there is no real communication between the two of you. You are unwilling to teach and talk for fear of hurting, and he is either too unsure or not knowledgeable enough to know any different and alter what is effectively a routine... break that mould and teach him about yourself and learn about him as well. That is the initial starting point

    If you open lines of communication and begin to explore then, there are some very good books out there, which make fun reading for two and definitely give ideas. From massage to all sorts of foreplay to different positions , but you may have to take the lead initially. Just do a google serach or amazon..something like that. (If you like make it the starting point to open communication, leave the book out and say you received it as a kris kringle.. it may be better than saying.. sit down we have to talk... its an option... remember colm meany in teh snapper reading the book :)).
    Buggered wrote:
    We've been away plenty of times together where we've had the whole night long to do whatever we want, & it's been the exact same as described above.
    He's very very briefly done digital twice & has never done oral, I don't think he likes the idea, he doesn't play with my breasts (but he does play with my bum a lot), he doesn't kiss me anywhere but my lips.?
    Then again you kiss him, tale the lead, he is your lover true, but you are also his, show him what you would like, but be prepared to be gentle about it and be preparde to blow his mind first... remember that rule??
    Buggered wrote:
    BUT:- there has been two occasions where we haven't had a condom, so sex was off the cards & both times where fantastic!!!! Hands / lips etc, were everywhere, I thought I was gonna explode (Though I'm a bit like that anyway: want it more when I know I can't have it)?
    THERE you go.. there is a starting point.. "Do you remember when we couldnt have sex cos there was no condom.. well that really did it for me... leyts try that again you were spuerb then"..see positive reaffirming good starting point :).
    Buggered wrote:
    It's actually really sore whenhe first penetrates me, because I'm not near ready for it, we've just started kissing, so I'm only just getting warm when he's finished, so you've guessed it:- I've never cum with him, I finish my self off after when I'm on my own (i know he wouldn't like to watch)?
    Have you asked him whether he would like to watch, just do it anyway in front of him. Again it is back to teh fundamental basic of poor communication at the fundamental level between lovers.
    Buggered wrote:
    Anysuggestions on what you'd do?
    I don't want to say it straight out, but he's not getting my hints about delaying penetration?

    Any suggestions?

    Take control, talk, communicate, YOU become the lover you would like him to be and eventually he will become what you want.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    Talliesin wrote:
    Tempted to suggest to the OP that she ask him "hey, the sex slave game is fun and all, but when are we going to do it properly?" though that probably wouldn't translate correctly.
    I always find it interesting that you nearly always suggest domination/roleplay to posters that are having prolems between the sheets. While it's not necessarily a bad thing, I do think it's a tad too much too soon in most cases. Just an observation.

    Anyway, OP. You really need to talk to him about the problem. I don't think that you need to "sit him down" to tell him where it's going wrong. I think the best course of action would be to tell him what you want him to do to you while you're just getting started, i.e. when you're kissing each other. In between kisses tell him what you want him to do to you. "Kiss me here", "touch me there", etc., etc. That way it doesn't seem like you're lecturing him, or even worse, out with the clipboard ticking off the bad points like a driving instructor after a test, which the deed is done.

    But whatever way you decide to tell him, you HAVE to tell him. Otherwise nothing will change.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    BaZmO* wrote:
    I always find it interesting that you nearly always suggest domination/roleplay to posters that are having prolems between the sheets. While it's not necessarily a bad thing, I do think it's a tad too much too soon in most cases. Just an observation.
    I didn't actually suggest any domination or roleplay above, and in the only recent thread were someone did suggest that as a possible way to find a solution to their problem I said "works for some, but would probably just introduce another complicating factor".

    That said, I do sometimes tend to follow "don't do that it won't be nice" with thinking "hmm, actually that not being nice is fun sometimes". We all have our biases :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    Talliesin wrote:
    I didn't actually suggest any domination or roleplay above, and in the only recent thread were someone did suggest that as a possible way to find a solution to their problem I said "works for some, but would probably just introduce another complicating factor".

    That said, I do sometimes tend to follow "don't do that it won't be nice" with thinking "hmm, actually that not being nice is fun sometimes". We all have our biases :)
    Not having a go at you. It's just an observation. But you did say.....
    Talliesin wrote:
    works well with "sex slave" type role play). Tempted to suggest to the OP that she ask him "hey, the sex slave game is fun and all, but when are we going to do it properly?" though that probably wouldn't translate correctly.
    Granted that you did say that you were Tempted. But it's like saying, "Don' think of a Pink Elephant" ;)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I hear you all, thanks for the replies.

    But I've known this guy for a very long time & I know he'd be absolutely mortified if I did / said 1/2 of that's been suggested here.

    He's very shy about sex, I mean, very very!!
    If he accidentally touches my boob, or touches it thinking it was another part of my body (not that my boob feels / looks like an elbox or anything!!!), he apologizes!!!
    I reassure him that that's pretty much why they're there & that I'd be well pleased if he did it more often.
    Every time he does something that I like, I let him know how much I like it & what it does to me, but that doesn't seem to matter, next time he ignores these pointers, unless he accidentally stumbles across one or two of them again.
    He embarrasses easily about this sort of thing.
    On a few occassions the actual penetration part has been fantastic, & I tell him how good it was, how crazy he made me feel etc, (he tells me to shut up (in an embarrassed kind of way) & changes the subject)
    I know he would be very uncomfortable if he had to watch me get myself off, I know he almost feels like a peeping tom if he sees me naked (when we're not at it) & isn't at all comfortable with it. Watching me at it (at the present time) would be about 10 steps too far for him.

    I give him oral from time to time, because I love it.
    He loves the feeling, hates the idea of it though. Thinks it's very degrading for me. I guess he might feel that mauling me is the same???
    Thing is, at present we have no privacy at all. Sex is during a sneaky 5 minutes somewhere.
    Unfortunately this means I don't have time to blow him off & then prepare for seconds.
    Again, due to privacy, there's no option to leave books lying around.

    But overall, this is a very small issue in comparison to the wonderful wonderful life we share together & I would never ever give up what we have together for a better shag with someone else.
    Because, at the end of the day, when that *technically* better shag is not with the person you want it to be with, then it's not actually a better shag at all.

    Thanks for all your comments.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    BaZmO* wrote:
    Not having a go at you. It's just an observation. But you did say.....
    I just feel hypocritical saying here "don't do that, it is painful/unsatisfying/unfair/etc." when I do it myself because I like things painful/unsatisfying(until later)/unfair/etc.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,388 ✭✭✭✭r3nu4l


    Talliesin wrote:
    I didn't actually suggest any domination or roleplay above, and in the only recent thread were someone did suggest that as a possible way to find a solution to their problem I said "works for some, but would probably just introduce another complicating factor".

    I can vouch for that ;)

    Anyway, OP, if you are his first proper girlfriend then perhaps you should take the lead a bit. So one night, tell him that you want to make him feel good, take over a bit, have him lie on his back and then use your hands and mouth to pleasure him. Before you start, reassure him and let him know that it's fine for him to 'finish before it starts'.

    Then perhaps you can guide his hands to you after he's finished and later, help him again and this time control it, you on top, you decide when penetration occurs.


  • Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Maisie Scarce Roadblock


    OP: given your last post there, I think you do need to sit down and talk to him about it specifically. Don't let him start blushing and changing the subject and worming away from it. The sex isn't going to change until his attitude does.
    And for goodness' sakes, if it hurts because you haven't had enough foreplay and aren't ready yet, tell him.
    He loves the feeling, hates the idea of it though. Thinks it's very degrading for me.
    My current bf thought something along those lines once. I made it very clear to him that I wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with which included that - I quite enjoy it. He got over it and has no problems suggesting it now.

    Because, at the end of the day, when that *technically* better shag is not with the person you want it to be with, then it's not actually a better shag at all.
    That [whether it's true or not] does not mean by any stretch that bad sex is something you must put up with indefinitely for love.
    He loves you too, so he should be just as prepared to make you happy as you are him. That includes in bed.


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  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    buggered wrote:
    He loves the feeling, hates the idea of it though. Thinks it's very degrading for me. I guess he might feel that mauling me is the same???

    This got me wondering if there was something in his past that has him looking at sex this way?

    Now I know you say you tell him when you like something he's doing.
    Why not just tell him straight out before you start? Do that (insert whatever here) to me again, that really turned me on last time and I've been thinking of doing it again all day. That's not a big leap to start with.

    I think you can get there if you start small and not throw it at him all at once.
    Once he's got one little technique down, teach him another.
    I'm guessing that he rarely makes you cum, I don't see the point of sex if that doesn't happen somewhere along the way.
    Despite what you say, you must be frustrated, this is easy to fix if you wish and why wouldn't you for a better sex life that will even bring you closer together.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    buggered wrote:
    He's very shy about sex, I mean, very very!!
    Right, now we're getting somewhere.

    The more information we have the more focused we can be and the less it's a matter of myself and/or marksuttonie flying off on tangents and ranting about phallocentric ideas about sex.

    Shyness isn't the worse possible reason for these sorts of issues. It would be much worse if he thought he was the world's greatest lover. Would he consider himself shy, or does he think his response is "normal". If he would consider himself shy then things are likely much easier to resolve.
    buggered wrote:
    If he accidentally touches my boob, or touches it thinking it was another part of my body (not that my boob feels / looks like an elbox or anything!!!), he apologizes!!!
    You could try to get him to just sit down with you and explore your breasts. Not as foreplay, not as something that's happening before penetration and there's going to be someone else here in about 15minutes so we'd better get on with it. Just getting to be more comfortable with touching your body and with enjoying it and with no other pressures beyond that.
    buggered wrote:
    I know he almost feels like a peeping tom if he sees me naked (when we're not at it) & isn't at all comfortable with it.
    Nudity is something one can get used to quite quickly. Be more naked more often.
    buggered wrote:
    He loves the feeling, hates the idea of it though. Thinks it's very degrading for me. I guess he might feel that mauling me is the same???
    You need to talk about how it feels for you. And how it feels for you to hear him describe something that you enjoy doing described as degrading to you.
    buggered wrote:
    Unfortunately this means I don't have time to blow him off & then prepare for seconds.
    Then leave the seconds. Work on getting things good rather than getting things perfect.
    buggered wrote:
    Again, due to privacy, there's no option to leave books lying around.
    I'm never too sure about the "leave books around" idea. Especially when he's the one that's being shy. Leaving books around is one thing when there's something you want to get into but you're too shy to suggest yourself. Sticking a book in his hand and telling him to read it and then going away so he can do so (he'll obviously not want to do so when you're there, if he's shy) might be an idea though.
    buggered wrote:
    But overall, this is a very small issue in comparison to the wonderful wonderful life we share together & I would never ever give up what we have together for a better shag with someone else.
    Because, at the end of the day, when that *technically* better shag is not with the person you want it to be with, then it's not actually a better shag at all.
    It is. It's about expressing what the two of you have, and that's good. That said there's a difference between the world's greatest love poetry and "yeah, I like you, 'spose". The poetry may or may not be out of reach, but if you can at least get him eloquent enough to express "I love you" in bed rather than "yeah, I like you, 'spose" you will probably both be happier for it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭Kell


    buggered wrote:
    But overall, this is a very small issue in comparison to the wonderful wonderful life we share together

    Yet you come onto a public forum and expose the inner working of your heart and your obvious disappointment with your sex life? My fúcking arse its not a big one for you. I mean come on- you can honestly say that you'll be happy in 20 years time with a few kids and a hubby who by then will be more interested in the footie and a few beers than giving you the ride of your life? Jeebus- you have great expectations for yourself.
    buggered wrote:
    Because, at the end of the day, when that *technically* better shag is not with the person you want it to be with, then it's not actually a better shag at all.

    Who's to say that you wont meet someone else that you will feel "more" for and have the best sex you ever had? I am not necessarily advocating dumping him because, to put it bluntly, his attitude towards sex is fúcking retarded. While I accept that there "may" be a gazillion reasons why he is this way, it is still fúcking retarded. I know sexually abused women with a healthier outlook on sex.

    Look at your choices-

    1) Stay with the guy and, should your talks and feelings fall on deaf ears, you're doomed to have an unhappy sex life until the end of your days. You can bleat on about how unimportant your sex life is, but thats utter bóllix. Its a HUGE part of a loving relationship

    2) Leave the guy. In time meet some super duper fandabidozy bloke who makes the earth move and gives you goose pimples just looking at him

    You never said how long you are going out with this chap. If it is any length of time AND so far your thoughts and feelings have fallen on deaf ears, what does this tell you about the future. Also, observe the following-

    1) To date he hasnt been able to get over his hang ups despite the fact that it will please you. Now, you're not asking him to rub shíte on your títs, all seems above board

    2) So far, he hasnt really listened to what you say

    3) What does this SPELL OUT TO YOU as to the value he places on you and your happiness?

    Do you really want to spend your life with someone who cant get over themselves and pay attention to your happiness in the sack?

    K-


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    I am not going to rehash Talleisins post as it pretty much covers a lot of ground.

    But why do you only have 5 minutes for intimacy? Would it not be possible to book a night in hotels, even during the week? make space for each other.

    It is going to be a long process between the two of you, but as beruthiel said start small... even start dressed. A slight touch on the arm for example, get used to physical intimacy outside of the bedroom and work through on that.

    As you said anyway you have a great relationship..so there is no rush to learn, you will hopefully have the rest of your lives.

    Lol actually i hadn't meant that you leave books around per-se, and maybe now we have more information getting them may be for later down the line once intimacy has been established.

    The "shyness" may be indicative of something, it may not so we wont dwell on why he is shy. Fact is open communication is what is going to move you both onwards. If he forgets what he did last time, gently show him.

    From what you are saying the basics of your relationship is sound. and like any good foundation it will determine what the rest of the structure is like.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 59,244 ✭✭✭✭walshb


    No disrespect, but he sounds extremely boring and unadventurous as regards sex. Is he really attracted to you, because it sounds like he is NOT. If I was really lusting for a girl or fancied her like mad, she is getting everything all the time. And if he is realy attracted to you, he has a funny way of showing it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 97 ✭✭merritt


    Kell wrote:
    Now, you're not asking him to rub shíte on your títs, all seems above board


    Just spluttered Lemsip all over my monitor. You tell it like it is, Kell! :D


    Some good advice here though. Sexuality is such a complex thing and we are so pressured into feeling that we must all be expert lovers. It sounds like the OP and her fella have a good foundation to build on though, but she has to verbalise what she wants (delicately - men can be a bit fúcked up around sex and self esteem).

    Good luck!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    merritt wrote:
    she has to verbalise what she wants (delicately - men can be a bit fúcked up around sex and self esteem).

    Exactly, that's my problem! I know how senstivie they are around this area & any criticisms of them around this area.

    & it honestly isn't something I think all that much about, honestly!
    The only thing that got me even thinking about it was another thread when ye all were describing great things to do to a partner, & I was thinking 'that'd be nice, that'd be nice too.....'

    It's not something that has me lying awake at night.

    Yes he's attracted to me, very much so & he loves me to bits. Shows me & tells me all the time, it's just he's not that expressive in bed.

    Yes, I'm as much to blame! I'm too shy to tell him what I want, but I believe this is because I know his attitude to sex.

    He's an arse man, & trust me, if the rest of me got as much attention as my arse does, I'd be a very very happy & satisfied woman, it's just it takes a lot more than that to get my juices flowing (not meant to be graphical there!!!!)

    I think he's also afraid to doing it wrong, or looking like he doesn't know what he's doing (as I said, we're getting on in years. I've been in a few very long term relationships so he knows i'm a lot more experienced), so he chooses to do nothing instead.

    I get a lot of knots in my back & one eve one of my shoulders was in agony. I begged him to give it a small massage (didn't ask for music, oils, aromatherapy etc, etc, just a 2 minuter rub), he point blankly refused.
    Again, this was not because he was being ignorant to my feelings, just because it's something he NEVER did before & he doesn't know what to do & doesn't want to feel stupid.
    I think that's exactly his attitude to sex.

    (God I'm afraid to give too much away in case he reads this but:-)
    He's also my most tickly person I've ever met! (I don't know if this is just because he's not used to being touched by people, or if he's just very sensitive to touch.
    Absolutely everything I do tickles him! Can't rub him / kiss him anywhere, which makes my part of foreplay very limited also. (That bit does get to me at times, because I'm a very hands on type person)
    I mean, even performing oral on him tickles him & he has to try & put it to the back of his mind to actually enjoy the sensation.

    & I know you are all trying to help, & you are doing so, & thanks very much for all the advice, I really appreciate it, but enough with the dumping him suggestions.
    This guy means the absolute world to me & I would never choose to be without him, ever.
    If being with him meant that I was never to have sex in my life ever again, I would choose him every time! & that is 100% true, believe me or not.

    Now, don't get me wrong, I'd rather have both, but if I was made chose one or the other, it's no contest, he'd win hands down.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,000 ✭✭✭spinandscribble


    your shoulders/back were in great pain, you begged him to help you and he didnt do it or even be the one to suggest to help because he didnt want to look silly doing it wrong? wow, loves not that powerful in some. if you love someone you shouldnt be afraid to look a fool in bed or beyond. when someone really loves you they'll love you no matter what.
    this isnt about just sex, this guy has serious confidence issues and its up to you as his lover to help him.

    sit him down and tell him how he could do the silliest things and make a complete fool of himself but that just makes you love him more because he put the chance of looking a fool aside to help you. thats love in action and nothing can compare to that.

    drill this into him and also drill it into him he needs to get you more wet before you start because it hurts you. if he loves you, he should be more concerned with what your feeling then anything else, at the least care if he is hurting you.

    you say you dont mind if your sex life stays this way. fine for some but for his sake incase things dont work out between you in the long run, its your duty to make him more experienced so that he wont still have no sexual confidence afterwards.

    why settle when you can have a great sex life as well? he doesnt mind hurting you during sex, do you think its really so bad you talking about this to him for his own benefit even if it makes him embarassed.

    you have communication problems and its important he knows you'd prefer him to try and mess up then not bother because it shows he cares enough about you to try


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 565 ✭✭✭free2fly


    Buggered wrote:
    If being with him meant that I was never to have sex in my life ever again, I would choose him every time! & that is 100% true, believe me or not.

    Now, don't get me wrong, I'd rather have both, but if I was made chose one or the other, it's no contest, he'd win hands down.

    OMG OP!! I have to share a personal experience with you. I would rather PM you with it, but as you are unreg I can't. Please read this carefully and try to take in what I am saying. I said those exact words once. About my husband. I was very much in love with him and didn't think that our terrible sex life would affect our relationship. I was very, very wrong! After 10 years of a passionless, sex starved marriage I couldn't take it anymore. I left in June of last year. You may think that it won't ever matter to you, but it will. Trust me on that. If you want to PM me under your regular user name I would be happy to tell you exactly how it will begin to affect you. It was a horrible 10 years because I truly did love him to bits.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 37 Burga Galti


    You say that the time you can spend alone together is limited. I know that problem having been in a transatlantic relationship. The thing me and my girlfriend started doing was swapping erotic stories. These were completely fictional, but they gave us both an insight into the other's mind - which is the greatest aprodisiac of all.

    I'd suggest trying it as it can be a useful tool for learning and getting other embarressing issues as well as working each other up for when you have those few minutes.


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