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Sex life isn't great!!

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Comments

  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    free2fly wrote:
    OMG OP!! I have to share a personal experience with you. I would rather PM you with it, but as you are unreg I can't. Please read this carefully and try to take in what I am saying. I said those exact words once. About my husband. I was very much in love with him and didn't think that our terrible sex life would affect our relationship. I was very, very wrong! After 10 years of a passionless, sex starved marriage I couldn't take it anymore. I left in June of last year. You may think that it won't ever matter to you, but it will. Trust me on that. If you want to PM me under your regular user name I would be happy to tell you exactly how it will begin to affect you. It was a horrible 10 years because I truly did love him to bits.

    I thought the exact same thing as you have said above when I read that comment by the OP.
    I would 100% agree with you free2fly, she doesn't mind now, but 10 years of that kinda nothing will slowly but surely finish the relationship. I'd bet money on it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    '
    your shoulders/back were in great pain, you begged him to help you and he didnt do it or even be the one to suggest to help because he didnt want to look silly doing it wrong?

    Well in fairness to him, he has realised that he should have tried that night (without me bringing it up again) & I have noticed him more & more slightly rubbing them when we're cuddling.
    He's a strong guy! He gives me big hugs sometimes. I think they're about to snap me in two, yet he thinks he's barely squeezing!!
    It's the same with the massage, he was afraid he'd hurt me, but I've reassured him, & have shown him how to do it.
    I wouldn't say he's massaged my shoulders yet, but I know he's working up the courage (little by little, & each time I don't shout ouch he knows he can do a little more!)
    sit him down and tell him how he could do the silliest things and make a complete fool of himself but that just makes you love him more

    I tell him that all the time. He honestly knows I'd never judge him on anything, never think less of him for anything. I think he's afraid HE will think less of himself, less of a man, if he felt he was failing at something.
    he doesnt mind hurting you during sex

    Of course he does!!!!!!
    When he first goes in, it's really slowly, & only as I say it's ok to go further.
    Then he doesn't move until I say it's ok.
    (It's only seconds before my insides open up & be comfortable)
    He would NEVER bang away while I'm in pain, never.

    Please don't pick me up wrong about that.
    All I meant was that when he first enters me, I should be wet enough that he goes in with ease & this is not the case.'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,000 ✭✭✭spinandscribble


    if its real love a bit of embarassing conversion for the two of you wont be damaging to your relationship.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    merritt wrote:
    Sexuality is such a complex thing and we are so pressured into feeling that we must all be expert lovers.
    Which is of course something that makes it harder, rather than easier, to be any good, because people want to jump straight to "I am an expert". That said, someone who thinks they aren't any good probably has a better chance of improving their techniques than someone who thinks they are an expert.

    There is also pressure to just be a lazy sod and to not try to be good. Look at the people in [thread=2055038971]this thread[/thread] suggesting the OP not try to be any good, but just use various tricks to be crap for longer.
    Buggered wrote:
    He's an arse man, & trust me, if the rest of me got as much attention as my arse does, I'd be a very very happy & satisfied woman, it's just it takes a lot more than that to get my juices flowing (not meant to be graphical there!!!!)
    That's possibly a way in. If his motivations to get at your ass can help him overcome his shyness in general.
    Buggered wrote:
    I think he's also afraid to doing it wrong, or looking like he doesn't know what he's doing (as I said, we're getting on in years. I've been in a few very long term relationships so he knows i'm a lot more experienced), so he chooses to do nothing instead.
    Which is all the more reason for him to realise that he doesn't know what he's doing, and you know he doesn't.

    Gah! Some of the best fun I've had sexually have been when I didn't know what I was doing. And now I do know :)

    Personally, I hope I can keep finding new things where I don't know what I'm doing for the rest of my life, and have every intention of looking for them.

    Which relates to what merritt said about pressure to be an expert lover.

    There are no expert lovers in the world, and there are no sex-experts except in a very narrow sense (and unless discussing the effects of different hormones upon the Skene's glands measured in a demographic cross-section of the population gets you wet, you don't want a sex expert in that sense).

    However, we are fortunate to live in an era where we have easy access to information is such that we can be our own sex-experts - combining the factual information, the available opinions and our own experiences to both become technically better and, more importantly, to be better able to use or sexuality to express how we feel about our lovers and to share emotion and energy with them.

    But nobody can leap-frog to that position. You can read Hugh Johnson's Pocket Wine Book every year but you won't know anything compared to someone who actually drinks a glass of good wine now and again.

    You need to give him a space where it's okay to not be good - easier said than done I know.
    Buggered wrote:
    it's something he NEVER did before & he doesn't know what to do & doesn't want to feel stupid.
    "If you're not prepared to look stupid, great things will never happen."

    You could try doing something that's silly. It's hard to feel stupid when you're already being silly :)
    Buggered wrote:
    He's also my most tickly person I've ever met! (I don't know if this is just because he's not used to being touched by people, or if he's just very sensitive to touch.
    Absolutely everything I do tickles him! Can't rub him / kiss him anywhere, which makes my part of foreplay very limited also. (That bit does get to me at times, because I'm a very hands on type person)
    I mean, even performing oral on him tickles him & he has to try & put it to the back of his mind to actually enjoy the sensation.
    Hmm. The tangent between myself and BaZmO* aside (which did start as something I said largely tounge-in-cheek rather than serious) but you could always tie him down. Not as a BD thing, just because the way it affects sensations and the ability to react to them can overcome ticklishness problems.

    If he's as shy as you say though, that may not really be an option. :(


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP: I can see exactly where Free2fly is coming from and it can be a
    terrible dilemma to be madly in love with someone and then to let
    years pass and let the issue of lack of intimacy burn you up (trust
    me .. it will ... )

    I've seen this from a male perspective and although I try not to be
    judgemental (and without knowing the exact details of your partners
    background...) these things are often rooted in he/she having an
    upbringing where an extreme prudishness about sex/intimacy was
    prevalent. It may not have been overt .. one/either or both parents
    may have unwittingly shown awkwardness about matters sexual to
    a degree that it becomes ingrained in their offspring in terms of
    negative connotations about sex/intimacy.

    You may have to tread lightly on this but really you should be prepared
    to get to the root of why your partner is so coy about matters sexual.
    Outwardly it may look like shyness but it may well be rooted in an
    extreme conservative way of thinking that he didn't get "off the trees"
    so as to speak. I see that some of the folks who responded recognised
    that you both have communication issues. I can see that .. but I've
    been in a similar situation with a partner for whom the whole bringing
    up (no matter how sensitively) of sexual matters can be a real
    "walking on eggshells" experience. In my experience people like this
    can be very defended and unwilling to move outside their limited
    comfort zone. In reality some psychosexual counselling is probably
    what he needs but you risk the delicate issue of how to broach the
    whole topic with him.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭Kell


    Buggered wrote:
    Now, don't get me wrong, I'd rather have both, but if I was made chose one or the other, it's no contest, he'd win hands down.

    Whoah whoah whoah. Jeebus h can you not see the wood for the fúcking trees here?!?!?!

    First up- I am extremely tickly. I mean mental so to the point where I cant be touched sometimes. Does it stop me in bed or tell people to f off in the middle of sex or beginning of? No. Now, thats out of the way next.

    You still havent gotten my point about him not paying attention to your needs. You still havent answered the question as to how long the two of you are together.

    At the end of the day, he is CHOOSING not to fulfil you. As I said earlier, you are not asking him to do anything outrageous in the sack at all. He sounds like a bumbling teenager in this dept. Do you really want to waste your time with a bumbling teenager?

    And whats this stay with him forever in spite of the obvious lark? Have you no aspirations for your own happiness?

    K-


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    Buggered wrote:
    (as I said, we're getting on in years. I've been in a few very long term relationships so he knows i'm a lot more experienced), so he chooses to do nothing instead.
    I actually got the impression that you were still both quite young. Especially since you said that you don't get to spend much time together and when you do it's a "wham bam that hurt man" session.

    I'm kinda stumped as to what to say now other than I think you need to give him a reality check and he needs to start acting like a man and listen to what you have to say and then act on it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    if its real love a bit of embarassing conversion for the two of you wont be damaging to your relationship.

    you're right, I know it wouldn't damage us in the slightest, it would be just that:- very embarrassing, but you're all right, I do need to say it.
    He doesn't know to fix anything unless he knows it's broken in the first place, it's just I'm also not the best at discussing things I like sexually.

    (A part of it was that we were best mates for years before getting together, so it feels strange talking about that sort of stuff!!)

    & Free2fly:- I'm very sorry to hear about your story & Beruthiel, please don't take any bets!!! (That'd be like putting a curse on us, & in todays society it seems hard enough to keep things together without being cursed!!!)

    Free2fly: I can't say "well we're not like you", because of course we could be exactly like how you were! What you say IS worrying.
    If we got the opportunity, we wold have sex everyday. We are crazy about each other, & I truely believe when that day comes, we pretty much will.
    I also wouldn't call it passionless.
    When we're kissing it gets very steamy & he can't keep his hands off my bum (but only my bum), so much so we pull the clothes off each other (actually wouldn't be able to keep them on any longer if we tried) & he pulls me up onto him (both still in knickers before I start getting contraception warnings & I'm on the pill!!!) & I can feel him rock hard under me & he's still grabbing my arse vigorously & I'm dry rubbing myself along him & it feels fantastic!

    I could easily continue at this for another 1/2, wishing he'd squeeze my boobs, kiss the back of my neck, rip my knickers off & penetrate me digitally, but instead it stops, we takes off my knickers, I take off his, he puts on a condom & we have sex.
    What I described above is only a couple of minutes worth, but I wouldn't call it passionless, the duration's just not long enough to really get me going.

    When we're not in a position to get steamy, we still spend practically all our time in each others arms kissing. We even joke that you'd swear we were 16!!!

    That I think could also be part of it. When he was the age to be learning what he's trying to learn now, he was more interested in other stuff, so he is just unsure about what he's supposed to do & how he's supposed to do it, & he's now playing catch up & in saying that, hopefully practice will make perfect. (or as near to as possible:) )


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 61 ✭✭Skiesonfire19


    Teach him what's good for you, I have no problem asking my girlfriend what she prefers to be done, and she has no problem telling or asking me either! Communication is key to a good sex life!

    Take his hand even and show him what to do, talk him thru things!

    Skies


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    Talliesin wrote:
    Hmm. The tangent between myself and BaZmO* aside (which did start as something I said largely tounge-in-cheek rather than serious) but you could always tie him down. Not as a BD thing, just because the way it affects sensations and the ability to react to them can overcome ticklishness problems.
    LOL.

    Although in this case I think you might be onto something. I actually do think she should tie him to a bed and possibly gag him too, not for any sexual purposes though. She should do it so that he can't say anything or go anywhere while she tells him where he's going wrong. He might actually pay attention then.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    '
    BaZmO* wrote:
    I actually got the impression that you were still both quite young. Especially since you said that you don't get to spend much time together and when you do it's a "wham bam that hurt man" session.

    I'm kinda stumped as to what to say now other than I think you need to give him a reality check and he needs to start acting like a man and listen to what you have to say and then act on it.

    i didnt wanna be the first to say it but his attitude screams immature teenager, and as a girl in her late teens even i have to say, i've yet to come across a guy as closed minded/nervous as he seems and nearly all the guys i've been with have had zero experience with sex and foreplay. saying that they were all up for learning and experimenting.

    the guy i dated with the most expierence on the other hand was awful at foreplay because he was like your guy, only wanted intercourse and couldnt be bothered with the rest.

    the going down thing on him, well yeah the odd guy might not want to be so dominate or its wrong for you to do it for dignity sakes. i had a bf like that but eventually he would beg for it. he lightened up after awhile due to discussions. communication is key as someone already mentioned'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    '
    Kell wrote:
    You still havent answered the question as to how long the two of you are together.

    Sorry Kell, we started having sex a year ago, almost to the day
    And whats this stay with him forever in spite of the obvious lark? Have you no aspirations for your own happiness?

    I'm being honest here. I've been with men that sexually fulfilled me (technically) better than my current bf, but the feeling of intimacy was never as intense as it is with my bf. Why, the person fulfilling my needs wasn't the person I wanted.

    My bf is.

    We've a long history, that I'm not going to get into here, but please trust me when I say I don't want anyone else, I really don't.

    I think you're right about the stumbling teenager bit, see my last post, but teenagers grow up.

    It isn't infatuation that I'm feeling for him that makes me dismiss dumping him. I've loved before, intensely, but it was never the same as this. He's the missing piece of the puzzle that is me, he is "the one" if you believe in such things.

    I am aspiring to be happy. He makes me happy, every day of my life, even long before he was my bf. I've never been happier in my whole life.
    Even in sex he makes me very happy, but he could definitely make me happier (in that department only).'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,000 ✭✭✭spinandscribble


    BaZmO* wrote:
    LOL.

    Although in this case I think you might be onto something. I actually do think she should tie him to a bed and possibly gag him too, not for any sexual purposes though. She should do it so that he can't say anything or go anywhere while she tells him where he's going wrong. He might actually pay attention then.


    and the courts will find in her favour im sure :eek:

    if he was kinkier you could start off by tieing him up and talking it out but from the sounds of this guy he wouldnt wanna be tied up. i doubt they have the time.

    is it not possible you two could go on a weekend away or something? im starting to think you might be teenagers if you really cant make time for eachother.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Buggered wrote:
    & Free2fly:- I'm very sorry to hear about your story & Beruthiel, please don't take any bets!!! (That'd be like putting a curse on us, & in todays society it seems hard enough to keep things together without being cursed!!!

    I have no wish to curse you. I believe what we were trying to say is, sort it out now before you find yourself in that situation in ten years time.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 565 ✭✭✭free2fly


    Beruthiel wrote:
    I have no wish to curse you. I believe what we were trying to say is, sort it out now before you find yourself in that situation in ten years time.

    Agreed. That is exactly what I was trying to say.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭Kell


    Buggered wrote:
    Sorry Kell, we started having sex a year ago, almost to the day

    :rolleyes:
    Buggered wrote:
    I think you're right about the stumbling teenager bit, see my last post, but teenagers grow up.

    You have extraordinary patience then. If, and only speaking for me, after twelve months my partner still had the same hang ups they had from day one and declined to make me happy in the sack, they'd be gone. In fact, they wouldnt even make the three month mark.

    K-


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    BaZmO* wrote:
    Although in this case I think you might be onto something. I actually do think she should tie him to a bed and possibly gag him too, not for any sexual purposes though. She should do it so that he can't say anything or go anywhere while she tells him where he's going wrong. He might actually pay attention then.

    Actually i was thinking that very same thing myself :D .

    What surprised me as i read on in this thread is the complete assertation of intimacy that you are espousing.

    I am really not sure on this, as true intimacy is a sharing, communication and trust development issue. It is about being willing to touch and massage without personal return.
    Damn my bus is leaving but quickly: I wondering if you are projecting an image of intimacy because that is what you want to see.
    I will try and edit later..unless someone wants to continue on.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'But that's the thing.

    We share everything, we tell each other everything, but I just can't seem to find the courage to bring this subject up, for fear of making him feel useless.

    I can tell him:- don't go over there, I've just farted (even though I don't fart of course :D I'm a lady!!!) & he tells me to go over there cos he has farted & is proud of it!!!
    Tell him my most embarassing secrets (that I've told no one) & he's done likewise
    Tell him my fears, medical conditions.
    We discuss our hopes & plans for our future together
    We've openly discussed issues with our relationship as they arose without a seconds thought.
    He's held my hair back when I've got sick, I've nursed him when he's sick, drove him everywhere when he broke a leg.

    We share food, drink, money, have even shared a toothbrush without a second thought.

    He's cried to me, I've cried to him.

    We each put the other one first in every decision we make (though you'd prob tell me different with regards to sex)

    We are completely open to each other about absolutely everything in our lives, except this.

    As far as I can see it, this is the only small issue we have, & it's the only area where we have a lack of communication'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'With regard to intimacy...

    OP : Is it safe to say that he's never gone down on you voluntarily or
    made you cum by rubbing you digitally in a situation where he seems
    to be as interested (or more) in making you climax as opposed to himself ?

    This is a key part of intimacy (for me anyway). I heard it referred somewhere
    as "polar sex" (possibly by John Gray). The idea being that there is great
    power in demonstrating occasionally to your lover that you can be just
    as excited and exhilirated by *giving* pleasure exclusively as opposed
    to over focussing on both of you climaxing together. I'm guessing that you are feeling a deficit of him actually going out of his way to do something to make you feel really good. Instead he is going through the motions in a very orthodox and un-enriching way...

    I've had the problem where my female partner stops me from going down
    on her. I've tried on a few occasions but gave up because she usually
    gently protests that "it won't be nice for you.... ". I think unfortunately
    for some the whole idea that giving pleasure can even surpass receiving
    when its with the right person just goes above some folks heads

    Sorry for ruminating. Not sure if this is familiar territory for you in
    your situation...'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭Kell


    Buggered wrote:
    I just can't seem to find the courage to bring this subject up, for fear of making him feel useless.

    Time to call a spade a spade. If he sucks, or not as the case may be, time to tell him.

    Anyways, thats my six cents at least.

    Have a good evening all- I'm off.

    K-


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,925 ✭✭✭aidan24326


    OP, I have to say I agree with some of what Kell has said. Your bf does sound ridiculously prudish about the whole area of sex. We all have our hangups in one way or another, some moreso than others, but he won't even touch your boobs? Won't even rub your shoulders when you feel tensed? What's that all about?

    You do your best at making excuses for him "he was just afraid he wouldn't do it right" but that's bs and to be honest you have to know this. How many of us are experts at massage? How many of us are 'experts' in the sack for that matter? No-one really. And we were all probably crap-to-mediocre at the beginning, but you have to learn/start somewhere. The problem with your bf is he doesn't seem to even want to learn. You will need to raise the issue but do tread gently at first. Small steps.

    If he truly loves you then surely he will be able to overcome his own hangups and do what it takes to make you sexually fulfilled? As Kell said you're not exactly asking him to do anything weird, just normal regular stuff, and if he's not prepared to work with you (after you've overcome your own fears and spoke to him about it) then I'd put a question mark over him tbh. But you have to lead the way by opening up yourself!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,925 ✭✭✭aidan24326


    edit: double post


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 33 vermont


    Buggered wrote:
    'Tell him my fears, medical conditions.
    We discuss our hopes & plans for our future together
    We've openly discussed issues with our relationship as they arose without a seconds thought.'

    It just sounds like you're soul mates, and you're lucky, cos it's hard to meet a soul mate. All the more reason why you have to try and work out the issues with your sex life. It would be one thing if you both had kinda low sex drives... you could probable survive then longterm. But if you're not fulfilled now, it'll be 10 times worse when you've popped out the sprogs!

    Seems like he gets really worked up at the start with the butt action, then it's as if a switch goes off in his head that prevents him going where he wants to go. Defo sounds to me there's some type of issue there in the back of his head, and you should really try and get to the bottom of working out what that is. Maye it's an incident that happened in the past that he's suppressing? MAKE him talk to you. If that fails, as someone said above, psycho-sexual counselling is a good idea.

    Anyway, it's worth saving this relationship so seriously give it your best shot... good luck!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 33 vermont


    Buggered wrote:
    'Tell him my fears, medical conditions.
    We discuss our hopes & plans for our future together
    We've openly discussed issues with our relationship as they arose without a seconds thought.'

    It just sounds like you're soul mates, and you're lucky, cos it's hard to meet a soul mate. All the more reason why you have to try and work out the issues with your sex life. It would be one thing if you both had kinda low sex drives... you could probable survive then longterm. But if you're not fulfilled now, it'll be 10 times worse when you've popped out the sprogs!

    Seems like he gets really worked up at the start with the butt action, then it's as if a switch goes off in his head that prevents him going where he wants to go. Defo sounds to me there's some type of issue there in the back of his head, and you should really try and get to the bottom of working out what that is. Maybe it's an incident that happened in the past that he's suppressing? MAKE him talk to you. If that fails, as someone said above, psycho-sexual counselling is a good idea.

    Anyway, it's worth giving this relationship your best shot... I'm sure it can be sorted.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    Buggered wrote:
    We are completely open to each other about absolutely everything in our lives, except this.

    As far as I can see it, this is the only small issue we have, & it's the only area where we have a lack of communication'

    Well really no need for me to edit the post then. You have iD'd the issue and the fact of a lack of communication is the key in this area.

    In this it all starts with you now. I believe you will have to be the one who initiates moving towards openness.

    The fact that you cannot be open causes me some concern TBH. It may be trite to say you can't make an omlette without breaking eggs, but it IS an issue for you.

    As i said before, start in the small things and do things gradually and let it happen naturally. I think that if you can start breaking down these barriers as regards sex then it will move onwards nicely from there.

    I suggest that the first thing you do is to truly examine why YOU cannot communicate with him, What is causing the fears, then see if you can remove that block within yourself before even moving towards approaching your partner.

    In an intimate sexual realtionship you should be comfortable asking your partner to do things for you, like massage for example. You may be should ask yourself what was your reaction when he said no, and also what you think you should have done and how you could have approached it differently.

    Time for you to overcome your fears and help him overcome his


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'Hi,

    I'm just writing to thank you all for the encouragement & confidence you gave me.

    I had the 'talk' with my bf at the weekend & well, it was a lot more adventurous than it has been any time before, so fingers crossed he feels more comfortable in doing stuff now, making mistakes, having fun making them & learning from it, & not slip back into old ways instead.

    It's very early days, but I'm happy we talked & more than happy with his response.

    Thank you.'


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,361 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Buggered wrote:
    & not slip back into old ways instead.

    That will only happen if you allow it to.
    Best of luck!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    I reckon either put a ban on penetration for a few weeks and learn how to enjoy foreplay or next time you get steamy don't allow penetration for at least an hour so you can get wound up to the max by exploring each other. I also reckon you should both take a visit to Ann Summers and invest in some toys. You'll never want to go out again ;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    Buggered wrote:
    'Hi,

    I'm just writing to thank you all for the encouragement & confidence you gave me.

    I had the 'talk' with my bf at the weekend & well, it was a lot more adventurous than it has been any time before, so fingers crossed he feels more comfortable in doing stuff now, making mistakes, having fun making them & learning from it, & not slip back into old ways instead.

    It's very early days, but I'm happy we talked & more than happy with his response.

    Thank you.'

    Tnxs for the feedback, it is always nice to get some, especially when it seems positive.
    As beruthiel says, you will fall inhto old ways if you let yourself fall into olds ways. But as you are learning new ways..well... have great fun!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 565 ✭✭✭free2fly


    I'm so glad that you had the talk. I wish you the best and hope that all works out for you :)


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