Do you have a girlfriend?

LegacyUser

righty, i'm 22/m and never had a relationship (other than stupid stuff when i was 15ish). i'm not an intorverted shy loaner or anything and i dont look/act like i just crawled out from under a stone, i just dont actually know any girls, i've joined sports clubs etc but i'd feel a little sad and desperate if i went out activley seeking females to introduce into my life - i mean most people naturally have a healthy mix of the sexes within their social circle at this stage of their lives, right?

its something that does get me down but i have great mates and i'm quite happy otherwise so if i get depressed about it i generally tell myself to snap out of it and pull myself together.

ok i was at a party over new years with some old school people and we were all bla blaing about our lives now and it came to my turn and when asked "do you have a girlfriend?" i had to admit that there was no girlfriend and 'no' there never had been. this got me looks like i had two heads and seemed to make the gathering feel quite awkward, which didnt do anything for my already shoddy confidence. i got some 'pity' from some of my old classmates and some of them tried to give me cliched 'pointers' on how to get a girlfriend, which pissed me off and basicly made me feel like a big loser.

i dont want to rush off and land a gal just to fit in or impress my old school friends (dont actually care what they think as i see them maybe 3 times a year) and i dont know what i hope to achieve by this post but i suppose i'm looking for reassurance that i am not an odd-ball and that the right girl is out there somewhere and that there are plenty of girls out there in the same boat and 'you just wait!'. problem is i've been waiting and i utterly refuse to be one of these sleaze-balls grinding their crotch at girls in a club or even worse - one of these guys who joins a club/society for the sole purpose of finding a girl.

thanks for reading
end of rant/

LegacyUser

Im 21 and am absolutely startled at the similarities between our circumstances. Was beggining to think i was the only one in the country tbh.
Like u i refuse to throw myself at women in nightclubs or take interest in certain things ,that i normally wouldnt, simply to get a girl, and i despise the attitude of getting a girlfriend simply for the sake of having one.
Its hard to hold on to my standards when the wait has been so long and everyone else seems to be doing so well..........but i do honestly beleive things will turn out the better for it.
Although i have been able to get to know a few nice girls..........its much better getting to know women through your friends as opposed to approaching (mostly drunken) strangers in nightclubs. Clubs and soceities are good aswell..........but as u said don't join one just for the sake of scoring.........join one(or many) that tickle your interest and see what happens.
I wish u the best of luck.
-V

Talliesin

Leave the bit about finding a girlfriend for a bit.

What do you think could be behind not having many females amongst your social circle?

Apart from perhaps spending every evening at a Masonic hall where women aren't allowed it seems rather hard to just accidentally exclude half the population of the planet.

sophiemarie

It's natural for males to seek out other males when their in a social situation. Males find it easier to relate to other males, just as females find it easier to relate to other females.
You shouldn't let what your friends think persuade your actions. I'm sure if you met someone you felt was special you would manage to strike something up. Theres no reason to use this feeling of insecurity to rush into a relationship. Theres more than what others think of you, it's more important what you think of yourself.
I'm sure you will be more than comfortable to commit yourself to a relationship when the right girl comes along. You obviously just haven't met her yet, because if you felt she was worth pursuing you wouldn't have such an issue.
However, it's healthy for guys to approach girls and most are flattered by it as it doesn't tend to go the other way. As long as it's not too macho male or anything it's usually appreciated. You might be surprised by how enjoyable it is to meet members of the opposite sex, not just because of the potential of sex but also for the purpose of friendship.

Webmonkey

My god i could have wrote that exact post myself. I'm in exactly same boat and I don't want to rush things either but from time to time it is nice to have a girl by your side - they seem to be easier to talk about serious things to where as most guys even best of friends would begin to take the piss. I only know this from the one female friend I have

walrusgumble

what about the girls at work, whether full time or part time. at least talk to them and have a laugh, least that are some girls to say hello to when you are out. maybe there friends might be interested, least they can say you are a sound person etc.

look you are only 22. so dont worry so long as you are able to enjoy yourself, you have no one to answer to. its a starange cliche but some people find the girl they like in the most unexpected places and when they are not even looking. one thing do not come across as desperate.

another thing, when you do finally meet a girl, try not become parniod, controlling, needy, and all complete lovey dovey, show that you can do things without her, you wont want to show signs that you are a door mat and be taken for granted.

Steyr

samehere wrote:

Like u i refuse to throw myself at women in nightclubs or take interest in certain things ,that i normally wouldnt, simply to get a girl, and i despise the attitude of getting a girlfriend simply for the sake of having one.
Its hard to hold on to my standards when the wait has been so long and everyone else seems to be doing so well..........but i do honestly beleive things will turn out the better for it.
Although i have been able to get to know a few nice girls..........its much better getting to know women through your friends as opposed to approaching (mostly drunken) strangers in nightclubs.

Im the same as you, let them come to you if they dont like what you/i do then **** em.

Lorax

Bit hostile there, relax with the **** em attitude if you are not on what your talking I dont then they will pick up that off you and react accordingly. Just without being desperate realise that people do meet their boyfriends/girlfriends in nightclubs. Parties are better because u are usually always a 'friend of a friend' at parties which makes them have some trust in u rather than a complette strangler.

Steyr

Lorax wrote:

Just without being desperate realise that people do meet their boyfriends/girlfriends in nightclubs.

Thats a stereotype and not true, many of my mates got hooked up on trips to the cinema or down to mutual friends who just hang out etc clubs are NOT the only answer to getting a fella/bird.

daithimac

chill out dont worry and don't build it up as an issue in your mind. if your calm, confident and are able to act normal around girls you should find someone.
If you lack that ability to prevent yourself from becoming a jibbering idiot then I would recommend reading "the game" by neill strauss.
DON'T implement every idea you see in this book or try to copy the lifestyle expoused as you may turn into the greatest tosser on the face of the earth, but you should get a few good pointers

Lorax

Steyr wrote:

Thats a stereotype and not true, many of my mates got hooked up on trips to the cinema or down to mutual friends who just hang out etc clubs are NOT the only answer to getting a fella/bird.

What are you onj about the cinema I was jus saing ppl can and do meet their partners in nightclubs, I never said they were the ONLY answer. I met my current gf at a house party tho theyre better

LegacyUser

samehere wrote:

Like u i refuse to throw myself at women in nightclubs or take interest in certain things ,that i normally wouldnt, simply to get a girl, and i despise the attitude of getting a girlfriend simply for the sake of having one.
Its hard to hold on to my standards when the wait has been so long and everyone else seems to be doing so well..........but i do honestly beleive things will turn out the better for it.

Guys don't worry, i'm a girl and i'm in the same situation. I have so many friends that just kiss anybody when were out and if thats their thing then fine but it ain't mine! I hate being out and some drunken guy tries to start coming onto you, it's just diguisting!!

I'm not trying to be all old-fashioned but i'd like to get to know a guy and then start something.

I've never been in a real relationship and i'm 20. I'm in loads of clubs/socs and have friends who are guys but like you dont have guys in my closer circle of friends. I have noticed that alot of my friends are suddenly in serious relationships. It gets to you sometimes but as the poster above said it will happen!

InFront

You're definitely not in an unusual situation. People tend not to get caught up in these kinds of relationships for all sorts of reasons, and I would certainly agree with you on not wanting to be the guy who's abjectly "fishing" for girls or demeaning a girl in a nightclub, that's a perfectly reasonable line to take, and I'm sure it is one which your future girlfriend will appreciate.

As for not having many girls in your social circle, that's not too unusual. In general I would agree that men are simply easier to become friends with, and make for better friendships than most women would. I certainly wouldn't see it as "excluding" women, merely fitting your friendships to the type of company you enjoy. (Anyway everybody knows girls have germs)

So I don't think you really need our advice: keep doing what you're doing, keep socialising with friends, but be open to new friendships and maybe eventually relationships. You don't sound like you have anything wrong with you, many guys I know (I'm 21) have never been in relationships.

LegacyUser

well i have a very close-knit group of friends (all male) and we're really close and have known eachother years so i've never really felt i had a need to 'put myself out there' because my mates provide me with alot of the social and emotional (hope i'm not getting too gay here) needs, so in that respect i've been very lucky to have a group who i can count on and call true friends....and for the rest, because there are some social and emotional needs which my mates CAN NOT meet, frustration and 'inner' loneliness are bearable inconveniences.

are relationships and close friendships incompatable? do i have to sacrafice one to achieve the other?

vorbis

I used to be very like the OP up till about age 23. However I came to a realisation (not the same for everyone I know) that my beliefs that the "right" one would come along was just masking my inability to talk to and ultimately get girls.

I realised that any scorn I heaped on the guys who drunkenly score in nightclubs was jealously based on my own failings. I used to think what they did was sleazy. Now I realise I'm doing similar stuff when out in a club BECAUSE it works! It works because a lot of girls like it.

The point of my rant is to look at yourself and ask yourself do you really believe what you wrote in the original post. Or if its a defence mechanism?

Kell

sophiemarie wrote:

It's natural for males to seek out other males when their in a social situation. Males find it easier to relate to other males, just as females find it easier to relate to other females.

ROFL. Jeebus where did you come up with that nonsense?

Perhaps I am weird, but as a male I gravitate towards female company and all of my female friends gravitate towards males.

The only way to get a member of the opposite sex is to talk to them. Simple.

The amount of people that come on bleating about how difficult it is to get to know a member of the opposite sex while not actually stating that they have pulled their finger out and done anything as rash and walking up to a total stranger and iniating a conversation is unreal.

Listen up people- it really is that easy. No one is going to hand you a perfectly prepared GF/BF on a plate with a side order of whatever you fancy, YOU have to go and get one.

An experiment for all those who go "uh, I am not a total ugly b*tid/be'atch, but no-one seems to take an interest" walk up to a random person in the supermarket tonight, and ask them out for a drink. I dare you. If he/she says no (ladies, we are not going to say no BTW), ask another one. If you can ask a complete random stranger out for a drink in Tesco's, you can ask anyone out anywhere.

InFront wrote:

men are simply easier to become friends with, and make for better friendships than most women would

Oh the learning left on this chap. Women make superb friends, in fact the best kind.

K-

me and the biz

One of my mates is 22, never been in a relationship and a virgin. It gets him down but he does sweet f all about it. He doesn't go out that much or won't approach girls. He has to help himself, put himself out there, get shot down and move on. I mean a girlfriend isn't going to feckin appear in his bedroom.

Its not that he's shy or anything, far from it. He's a great laugh and girls love that, he just doesn't see it. When he does go out and he's talking to girls they start flirting with him, he doesn't do anything because he simply doesn't see it. When we tell him he has a chance I suppose he thinks we're taking the piss and does nothing.

We've tried setting him up before but he got freaked out or something and instead of talking and having a laugh with the girl, being himself he basically ignored her then disappeared for most of the night (we were in 21's).

I think he's just resigned himself to the fact it'll never happen with girls.. until he gets over he's own uptightness it won't.

/end of rant

Steyr

AlsoWaiting wrote:

I'm not trying to be all old-fashioned but i'd like to get to know a guy and then start something.

See now that sounds like my kinda girl!:D If only there were more of u!

Webmonkey

Steyr wrote:

See now that sounds like my kinda girl!:D If only there were more of u!

Yeah i second that

Zapho

samehere wrote:

Like u i refuse to throw myself at women in nightclubs or take interest in certain things ,that i normally wouldnt, simply to get a girl, and i despise the attitude of getting a girlfriend simply for the sake of having one.

You don't have to "throw" yourself at a girl in a nightclub, but at the sametime,
if you don't approach a girl you like the look of, how are you gonna know if
you'd like to go out with her or not? I'm definately of the mind to get to know
a girl as much as possible before even considering going out with her, but
sometimes you can make an instant connection with someone.

I do agree with you about the "girlfriend for the sake of it" bit. I do see that
all too often and its really unfair on the girl, especially if she really likes the guy.
I always try and be sure that I really think its worth going out with someone
before things get too serious. Good luck.

LegacyUser

'Ha I think its more like if there were more guys who are like that!!'

Steyr

AlsoWaiting wrote:

'Ha I think its more like if there were more guys who are like that!!'

No we need women like you hun.

LegacyUser

'Well maybe a few of both!!'

Lorax

Kell wrote:

An experiment for all those who go "uh, I am not a total ugly b*tid/be'atch, but no-one seems to take an interest" walk up to a random person in the supermarket tonight, and ask them out for a drink. I dare you. If he/she says no (ladies, we are not going to say no BTW), ask another one. If you can ask a complete random stranger out for a drink in Tesco's, you can ask anyone out anywhere.

I would say no anyway Im happy with my girlfriend not gonna risk my relationship to go out with some random weirdo who hassles me while shopping. I dont do the shopping anyway so thats not gonna happen lol

Kell

Lorax wrote:

to go out with some random weirdo who hassles me

Its people with attitudes like yours that make trying to date difficult. You might just be passing up the best thing that ever happened to you (assuming both parties are single) by saying no. Do you also look down your nose at someone outside a pub having a fag if they start a conversation with you?

I just cant get people who assume that if a person speaks to you or asks you out they are automatically a weirdo. Thats just fúcking retarded. What happened to live and let live?

Pfft.

K-

Kintarō Hattori

When I was seventeen I went out with a young lady for almost two years. It was my first relationship and occured while I was still in school. I choose to end it as it wasn't really going anywhere and we were both just too young to really understand it. After that I went onto do various things, got a job and moved out of the house eventually.

I moved into an apartment in Rathmines with my best mate. I had good friends both male and female and lived there for the best part of three years. I had a job I liked, great friends, great parties, the best of times. During all that time though, both myself and my flatmate didn't have a girlfriend, it just didn't seem to happen. We used to have dreary talks about what we must be doing wrong and how we could rectify the situation.

My last relationship had been when I was 17 but when I was 27 and still living in Rathmines out of the blue I ended up meeting someone and two years later we're still together. We're in love and can't imagine being without each other. So I've gone from nothing to a truely incredible relationship.

That was aalmost a 10 year! gap between relationships, 10 years without sex, and yes it used to get me down. I wasn't particuarly shy, I was sociable, had good friends and was mostly a positive person. So don't let yourself get down. It can be tough going and you do question yourself sometimes and if you'll ever meet anyone, let alone the right person. But it will happen for you and more often than not when you least expect it.

Don't let it hold you back. Get on with things, enjoy yourself and just live your life.

GrumPy

Kell wrote:

Its people with attitudes like yours that make trying to date difficult. You might just be passing up the best thing that ever happened to you (assuming both parties are single) by saying no. Do you also look down your nose at someone outside a pub having a fag if they start a conversation with you?

I just cant get people who assume that if a person speaks to you or asks you out they are automatically a weirdo. Thats just fúcking retarded. What happened to live and let live?

Pfft.

K-

Agree 100% there are way too many people around like this.

dr.bollocko

Irish GrumPy wrote:

Agree 100% there are way too many people around like this.

QFT.
OP from time to time you will come across objectionable and rude people with closetted attitudes when approaching new people for conversation. It is something to remember that we are a mixed bag, and the perfect person won't fall into your lap.
But neither are you on the shelf, destined to be a singleton devoid of love. You are only young, and if now is not the time to start freaking out strangers, (Pfft) then when?

colc1

THis might have been mentioned before but I think a lot of the problem is single sex schools, friends abroad just think its weird and you end up leaving school very often with only male friends (thats from a bloke's perspective anyway)

Skiesonfire19

Personally, I find it hard to believe that you 'don't know any girls', i'm only 18 and i'm with my girlfriend for two years! And I literally bumped into her in Dublin when I first met her!

Do you not socalize well or feel un-confident in clubs or anything?

Skies

Webmonkey

Well im in a computer course and theres only one girl in it which i happen to be great friends with but besides that I wouldn't really know/socialise with any other girls only my flat mate.
It is hard for some to find girls, especially if you got no ring of friends that include females

Skiesonfire19

Half the world is women, grow a pair and go out and start making FEMALE friends then!

Skies

davyjose

Skiesonfire19 wrote:

Half the world is women, grow a pair and go out and start making FEMALE friends then!

Skies

I challenge anyone here to go out, and from nothing, create a new circle of female friends, or even a circle of friends with some women, or just one female friend (and no friend of a friend stuff - complete strangers) - see how easy it is.
Some people, depending on schools attended, or jobs taken, or university courses attended (avoid engineering), just don't find a lot of women to socialise with. I've been there in the past.

Webmonkey

davyjose wrote:

I challenge anyone here to go out, and from nothing, create a new circle of female friends, or even a circle of friends with some women, or just one female friend (and no friend of a friend stuff - complete strangers) - see how easy it is.
Some people, depending on schools attended, or jobs taken, or university courses attended (avoid engineering), just don't find a lot of women to socialise with. I've been there in the past.

Not easy at all

Skiesonfire19

Actually I can do that, I've done that several times! I can just talk to people, and I know I made a 'friend' or two because they have often approached me on a different night and are all like 'Hey goon how ya been' and buy me a drink!

Skies

Webmonkey

Skiesonfire19 wrote:

Actually I can do that, I've done that several times! I can just talk to people, and I know I made a 'friend' or two because they have often approached me on a different night and are all like 'Hey goon how ya been' and buy me a drink!

Skies

oh arn't you great!

Lorax

Kell wrote:

I just cant get people who assume that if a person speaks to you or asks you out they are automatically a weirdo. Thats just fúcking retarded.

K-

Yeah well look at it like this, I was at the afters (sandwiches etc) in a pub after a funeral of a young guy in which 3 young people died in a car crash. The guys sister was out having a smoke and some random fella was trying to chat her up (in the middle of the day) wouldn't take no for an answer. Her family were horrified when she told them. Do you think she enjoyed that after being at the funeral of her little brother? The girl was in tears.

My point is DONT GO UP HITTING ON RANDOM PEOPLE, you dont know ANYTHING about them or how they are feeling at that point in time. Also as I said in my post

Kell wrote:

If he/she says no (ladies, we are not going to say no BTW),

All I said was that I would personally say no because I love my girlfriend and wouldnt risk the relationship to go out with some weirdo who hassles me while shopping. I dunno how not cheating on my girlfriend makes me "fúcking retarded"? Explain plz.

dvega

Keep thinking like that and you'll get no where,your still quite young and the right girl will come along i guarentee it.

Lorax

Kell wrote:

Its people with attitudes like yours that make trying to date difficult. You might just be passing up the best thing that ever happened to you (assuming both parties are single) by saying no. Do you also look down your nose at someone outside a pub having a fag if they start a conversation with you?

I just cant get people who assume that if a person speaks to you or asks you out they are automatically a weirdo. Thats just fúcking retarded. What happened to live and let live?

Pfft.

K-

What happened to live and let live?? Er... exactly.. live your own life and let other people live theres. Why is it so hard for you to understand that not everyone enjoys random desperate people coming up annoying them looking for a date?

LegacyUser

Im 21 and my circumstances would be pretty similar. Most of my friends are male. Im not sure why... I have no trouble talking to women I just havent met that many.

I've had one or two girls that I got close to but it never went as far as girlfriend-boyfriend for one reason or another.

Its getting to the stage where most of my friends have long term girlfriends but I have to say it honestly doesn't bother me that much. I will admit there are times where I feel like im missing out on something and get a bit depressed... mainly when were out and its like 4 couples and me. I think some of that might be down to how busy my life is at the moment... I dont really have time to think about that kind of stuff. Im sure ill find someone eventually but for the moment I figure I might aswell enjoy everything else in my life.

Your not alone so dont stress out too much... from the looks of this thread theres quite a few of us like this.

Kell

Lorax wrote:

Her family were horrified when she told them. Do you think she enjoyed that after being at the funeral of her little brother? The girl was in tears.

Not at all. That just proves theres one born every minute. That is an ABNORMAL circumstance.

Lorax wrote:

My point is DONT GO UP HITTING ON RANDOM PEOPLE, you dont know ANYTHING about them or how they are feeling at that point in time.

Thats not a point. EVERYONE is a random stranger until you get to know them better. Whats the harm in just asking someone out?

Lorax wrote:

I dunno how not cheating on my girlfriend makes me "fúcking retarded"? Explain plz.

You didnt read my post then. I explained (in brackets) "assuming you are both single". Inability to read coupled with your assumption that everyone that opens their mouth to you in a random circumstance is a weirdo says volumes about your attitude not you. An attitude that assumes a negative about a stranger without giving them the benefit of the doubt is a retarded attitude.
K-

Marksie

Lorax wrote:

My point is DONT GO UP HITTING ON RANDOM PEOPLE, you dont know ANYTHING about them or how they are feeling at that point in time.

Oh for goodness sake! Kells absolutely right in what he says. Girlfriends don't just appear under the christmas tree all nicely wrapped.

We were given the gift of communication, its a pity people don't extend it to others.

Obviously the situation you described was completely abnormal.

Why is it desperate to talk to people? Why is it being sleazeball to join clubs? Most of my friends are female (well over 80%) and and most started by me talking, emaiing or contacting them in one form or other?.. for example, one started when i bumped into her in a pub (actually i trod on her foot by accident)... i apologised and said i wouldnt make the irish dancing team.
Was that being desparate?.
It all once again stems from communication issues and it doesnt help when people work on the assumption that anyone talking to them must be desperate and looking for a sh*g.

so to paraphrase you lorax: My point is DONT GO DISPARAGING RANDOM PEOPLE for talking to you, you dont know ANYTHING about them or how they are feeling at that point in time.

Dan133269

Similar to yourself OP and the others who have posted, I'm a young male and have been single for a long time. It used to seriously annoy me when all I wanted was a girlfriend and the love and companionship that can stem from a relationship and I couldn't have it, yet every single one of my friends had exactly what I wanted. So naturally I waited in hope, making every effort, (not too strongly mind you, definitely not too strongly at all) at finding someone. At this stage I've simply waited too long, and I've come to accept the fact that I'm never going to find anyone.

The important bit is that this acceptance doesn't eat me up all that much, I simply have to accept the situation for what it is, and no amount of dreaming, wishing, hoping, trying is going to change it.
Essentially there are much, much worse things than living a life of loneliness, it's only when you find yourself in those circumstances that you would readily go back to being "the loner without the gf" any second.

I know I might seem awfully negative and pessimistic to you but that's just realism in my eyes. Make sure you don't misunderstand me, I'm not for one second saying that you won't find anyone, but if you don't, it's not the end of the world. Peace

Marksie

Dan133269 wrote:

. At this stage I've simply waited too long, and I've come to accept the fact that I'm never going to find anyone.

Just how old are you?

That is absolute self pitying cr*p, i know people (female) in their fifties who don't have that attutide and consequently are having the times of their lives meeting people, dating and finding boyfriends.

Time to stop that defeatist, look at me rubbish, go do classes in how to communicate and get your ass out there.

I am hardly the most gregarious of people, i am fairly quiet when out... but it didnt stop me getting out there at the last board beers and talking to people. But i have never, ever had problems meeting female friends or partners. No chat up lines, no smarm, no "wingmen", just talking pure and simple just as you would to anyone.

yeah you are going to get rejected, yeah there are going to be morons who think that if you talk to them you are weird. So what!!!! thats their loss and an indication of their attitudes, insecurities and issues.

There are threads here about women waiting for someone to talk to them... just go and do it.

In reality women are not another species, though some of the posts and threads here would make you think that they are from a totally different universe! (and vice versa). Time anmd again both men and women say they cant talk, they cannot make the first approach and have given up trying...

Utter garbage

Examine yourself, appearance and attitude, examine why you can't talk to women, what is it that stops you having a rational conversation as you would with any other human being?

"i dont know what to say" would be a favourite. Simple ask them about themselves. and listen. You don't have to be the worlds funniest man (or woman) but if yoiu let the conversation flow naturally and concentrate on what is being said now, and not wondering if you will get the slow dance or the date at the end of the night.. just concentrate on the now. If you screw up the conversation then laugh at yourself and at what you said.

If it all goes arseways then learn by it.

The alternative is to go and herd sheep on brokeback mountain.

Dan133269

self-pitying crap? I don't pity myself, do you pity me or something?
I'm not sure if the rest of that is directed toward me or the OP but the reason underlying what I said is nothing to do with "meeting" girls, I'm quite capable and know plenty of women. The fault is finding someone who you like and who feels the same.

With regard to 50 yr old women you know who go out and get boyfriends, I don't think I'd like to meet these women but fair play to them. You do know that I wasn't talking about flings and one night stands but genuine proper relationships.
And the flipped side of the coin is I know a 47 year old man who after a lot of rejection and hurt with regard to women in his youth came to accept the fact that he would never meet someone and would spend the rest of his life alone, and despite the idealism of others telling him how wrong he was, surprise surprise he was spot on and at 47 is still alone.

We all want to find our dream-lover and fall madly in love and live happily ever after, unfortunately it doesn't happen. I think you missed the point of my post though mark, I'm just saying to the OP that if he doesn't find someone, it is not the end of the world, would you not agree?

Marksie

Dan133269 wrote:

self-pitying crap? I don't pity myself, do you pity me or something?
I'm not sure if the rest of that is directed toward me or the OP but the reason underlying what I said is nothing to do with "meeting" girls, I'm quite capable and know plenty of women. The fault is finding someone who you like and who feels the same.

With regard to 50 yr old women you know who go out and get boyfriends, I don't think I'd like to meet these women but fair play to them. You do know that I wasn't talking about flings and one night stands but genuine proper relationships.
And the flipped side of the coin is I know a 47 year old man who after a lot of rejection and hurt with regard to women in his youth came to accept the fact that he would never meet someone and would spend the rest of his life alone, and despite the idealism of others telling him how wrong he was, surprise surprise he was spot on and at 47 is still alone.

We all want to find our dream-lover and fall madly in love and live happily ever after, unfortunately it doesn't happen. I think you missed the point of my post though mark, I'm just saying to the OP that if he doesn't find someone, it is not the end of the world, would you not agree?

dan: that post and this do sound defeatist, and no i dont pity you per se.. its up to you whether you decide to do anything about your situation. The foirst part was aimed at your post directly, the rest really was aimed at anyone in a similar situation who hasnt yet thrown in the towel.


Why don't you think that you would not like to meet these women? THAT is very judgemental and may go some way to explaining why you feel you will never find anyone. Did i mention one night stands or flings.. i mentioned dating and boyfriends? do you equate one with the other? But they havent given up on love or relationships like you have

and how old are you? are you surrounding yourself with a mutual support group of people disillusioned with the possibility of a relationship?

I didnt miss the thrust of your post, but your point at the end was a minor one. and , if you take on board what i was saying, will be a non-issue in any event.

edit: oh and in the tit for tat game, i know a 35 year old woman who has suffered the most horrendous things... and who hasn't given up far from it she is healing and pausing and still going to continue.... I have profound respect for her, but not for those who throw in the towel because of disappointments

ChRoMe

Steyr wrote:

Im the same as you, let them come to you if they dont like what you/i do then **** em.

I know this was posted way back on page one but it really stood out to me and I think that attitude needs to be dealt with.

I think the primary thing here is that western society/culture (and im sure other factors) have set the status quo that its usually up to the male to make the first move. I havnt been on boards of a while but I'd put money that there have been threads from women to the tune of "I laugh at his jokes, touch his arm smile at him..why doesnt he do something" Its becuase usually men are pretty bad at the whole reading the signs bit ( which is fair enough it takes some practice!). If you want to meet a woman 99% of the time you need to take the first step. Yes this can be scary when you feel you dont know what you are doing but try to keep in mind that everyone is only human. Its possible that you get a very negative response but hey so what? There is no shortage of attractive and intelligent women in the world.

Secondly there is a big difference from being a sleezebag in a club to genuinely letting a woman know you like her by striking up conversation. Relationships can come from being introduced as mutual friends by someone but if you are leaving this as your only way to meet women for a relationship you will be waiting a far longer time as naturally the numbers you meet will be greately reduced and thus you chance of finding a partner.

On a side note in regards the 47 year old man still being single. There is such a thing called a self fulling prophephy (spelling??). It pretty much states that if you tell yourself something enough times (no matter if its right or wrong) you will begin to believe it and thus it will become reality.

I'll sum it up with a little anecdote. A door to door sales man is travelling around with another salesman who its his first day. The door to door sales man goes to the first door and doesnt make a sale. He returns to the car with a big smile on his face and they drive to the next house. Again he rings the bell and fails to make a sale. He returns to the new sales man still with a big grin on his face and they drive to the next house. As they are driving the new salesman enquires how he can be so happy after blatenly being rejected twice in a row. The older expeirnced salesman turns and explains that by the law of averages he will make around one sale in every ten calls. So his attitude was that there was only another 8 doors to knock on before he makes his sale.

Perception of the situation is everything. Hope this helps

Lorax

marksuttonie wrote:

Why is it desperate to talk to people? Why is it being sleazeball to join clubs? Most of my friends are female (well over 80%) and and most started by me talking, emaiing or contacting them in one form or other?.. for example, one started when i bumped into her in a pub (actually i trod on her foot by accident)... i apologised and said i wouldnt make the irish dancing team.
Was that being desparate?.
It all once again stems from communication issues and it doesnt help when people work on the assumption that anyone talking to them must be desperate and looking for a sh*g.

so to paraphrase you lorax: My point is DONT GO DISPARAGING RANDOM PEOPLE for talking to you, you dont know ANYTHING about them or how they are feeling at that point in time.

No ffs u completely misunderstood my point. Im not on about talking to girls. Im talking about going up to random girls as Kell said, and ASKING THEM OUT. Its completely weird and desperate. As you can see here:

Kell wrote:

Thats not a point. EVERYONE is a random stranger until you get to know them better. Whats the harm in just asking someone out?

Unless u have tried this and it has worked, I can pretty much guarantee you most girls would be completely freaked out and tell u to piss off.. Imagine your sister/daughter/niece/cousin whatever just going about her business in the supermarket and some fella comes up to her "HEY WILL U GO OUT WITH ME" . That is essentially what you are telling people to do.

Marksie

Lorax wrote:

No ffs u completely misunderstood my point. Im not on about talking to girls. Im talking about going up to random girls as Kell said, and ASKING THEM OUT. Its completely weird and desperate.

No lorax i didnt misunderstand your point. Talking to someone is a prelude to possibly asking them on a date.

Unless of course you were meaning you walk right up to someone and say me. you. date. now.

I think what kell is talking about is what i am talking about..going up to someone engaging in conversation then asking for a date.

Sparky

In answer to the OP!

No, I don't, but I don't let that worry me.
I've found in the past that yes you do have to make a move towards the opposite sex and again they will do the same to you. It has happened to me a few times, but nothing ever came of it. I did'nt then rightly assume that it is then the be and end all of getting a girlfriend!

I will agree on ChRoMe's post about signs. We can be so thick in this field that we would nearly need a neon sign at times to help. But as with everything experience helps.

Don't let it get you down OP. The time you stop too is also the very time someone will come around.

Drift

Spanky-s wrote:

I will agree on ChRoMe's post about signs. We can be so thick in this field that we would nearly need a neon sign at times to help.

I'm woeful at it, I'd most likely miss a neon sign too .... "Aw look, she's being nice to me holding a neon sign that says ASK ME OUT NOW" ...... she's only joking really though, she doesn't mean it.

On a serious note, for the girls who are reading this post it is very true that a lot of guys (especially the less experienced ones) are really bad at reading signals so if you think he couldn't be thick enough to miss your signals - he may well be. Through no fault of his own.