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Do you have a girlfriend?

  • 03-01-2007 08:30PM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭


    righty, i'm 22/m and never had a relationship (other than stupid stuff when i was 15ish). i'm not an intorverted shy loaner or anything and i dont look/act like i just crawled out from under a stone, i just dont actually know any girls, i've joined sports clubs etc but i'd feel a little sad and desperate if i went out activley seeking females to introduce into my life - i mean most people naturally have a healthy mix of the sexes within their social circle at this stage of their lives, right?

    its something that does get me down but i have great mates and i'm quite happy otherwise so if i get depressed about it i generally tell myself to snap out of it and pull myself together.

    ok i was at a party over new years with some old school people and we were all bla blaing about our lives now and it came to my turn and when asked "do you have a girlfriend?" i had to admit that there was no girlfriend and 'no' there never had been. this got me looks like i had two heads and seemed to make the gathering feel quite awkward, which didnt do anything for my already shoddy confidence. i got some 'pity' from some of my old classmates and some of them tried to give me cliched 'pointers' on how to get a girlfriend, which pissed me off and basicly made me feel like a big loser.

    i dont want to rush off and land a gal just to fit in or impress my old school friends (dont actually care what they think as i see them maybe 3 times a year) and i dont know what i hope to achieve by this post but i suppose i'm looking for reassurance that i am not an odd-ball and that the right girl is out there somewhere and that there are plenty of girls out there in the same boat and 'you just wait!'. problem is i've been waiting and i utterly refuse to be one of these sleaze-balls grinding their crotch at girls in a club or even worse - one of these guys who joins a club/society for the sole purpose of finding a girl.

    thanks for reading
    end of rant/


«13

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Im 21 and am absolutely startled at the similarities between our circumstances. Was beggining to think i was the only one in the country tbh.
    Like u i refuse to throw myself at women in nightclubs or take interest in certain things ,that i normally wouldnt, simply to get a girl, and i despise the attitude of getting a girlfriend simply for the sake of having one.
    Its hard to hold on to my standards when the wait has been so long and everyone else seems to be doing so well..........but i do honestly beleive things will turn out the better for it.
    Although i have been able to get to know a few nice girls..........its much better getting to know women through your friends as opposed to approaching (mostly drunken) strangers in nightclubs. Clubs and soceities are good aswell..........but as u said don't join one just for the sake of scoring.........join one(or many) that tickle your interest and see what happens.
    I wish u the best of luck.
    -V


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    Leave the bit about finding a girlfriend for a bit.

    What do you think could be behind not having many females amongst your social circle?

    Apart from perhaps spending every evening at a Masonic hall where women aren't allowed it seems rather hard to just accidentally exclude half the population of the planet.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14 sophiemarie


    It's natural for males to seek out other males when their in a social situation. Males find it easier to relate to other males, just as females find it easier to relate to other females.
    You shouldn't let what your friends think persuade your actions. I'm sure if you met someone you felt was special you would manage to strike something up. Theres no reason to use this feeling of insecurity to rush into a relationship. Theres more than what others think of you, it's more important what you think of yourself.
    I'm sure you will be more than comfortable to commit yourself to a relationship when the right girl comes along. You obviously just haven't met her yet, because if you felt she was worth pursuing you wouldn't have such an issue.
    However, it's healthy for guys to approach girls and most are flattered by it as it doesn't tend to go the other way. As long as it's not too macho male or anything it's usually appreciated. You might be surprised by how enjoyable it is to meet members of the opposite sex, not just because of the potential of sex but also for the purpose of friendship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,579 ✭✭✭Webmonkey


    My god i could have wrote that exact post myself. I'm in exactly same boat and I don't want to rush things either but from time to time it is nice to have a girl by your side - they seem to be easier to talk about serious things to where as most guys even best of friends would begin to take the piss. I only know this from the one female friend I have :)


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,062 ✭✭✭walrusgumble


    what about the girls at work, whether full time or part time. at least talk to them and have a laugh, least that are some girls to say hello to when you are out. maybe there friends might be interested, least they can say you are a sound person etc.

    look you are only 22. so dont worry so long as you are able to enjoy yourself, you have no one to answer to. its a starange cliche but some people find the girl they like in the most unexpected places and when they are not even looking. one thing do not come across as desperate.

    another thing, when you do finally meet a girl, try not become parniod, controlling, needy, and all complete lovey dovey, show that you can do things without her, you wont want to show signs that you are a door mat and be taken for granted.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,266 ✭✭✭Steyr


    samehere wrote:
    Like u i refuse to throw myself at women in nightclubs or take interest in certain things ,that i normally wouldnt, simply to get a girl, and i despise the attitude of getting a girlfriend simply for the sake of having one.
    Its hard to hold on to my standards when the wait has been so long and everyone else seems to be doing so well..........but i do honestly beleive things will turn out the better for it.
    Although i have been able to get to know a few nice girls..........its much better getting to know women through your friends as opposed to approaching (mostly drunken) strangers in nightclubs.

    Im the same as you, let them come to you if they dont like what you/i do then **** em.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 752 ✭✭✭Lorax


    Bit hostile there, relax with the **** em attitude if you are not on what your talking I dont then they will pick up that off you and react accordingly. Just without being desperate realise that people do meet their boyfriends/girlfriends in nightclubs. Parties are better because u are usually always a 'friend of a friend' at parties which makes them have some trust in u rather than a complette strangler.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,266 ✭✭✭Steyr


    Lorax wrote:
    Just without being desperate realise that people do meet their boyfriends/girlfriends in nightclubs.

    Thats a stereotype and not true, many of my mates got hooked up on trips to the cinema or down to mutual friends who just hang out etc clubs are NOT the only answer to getting a fella/bird.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 515 ✭✭✭daithimac


    chill out dont worry and don't build it up as an issue in your mind. if your calm, confident and are able to act normal around girls you should find someone.
    If you lack that ability to prevent yourself from becoming a jibbering idiot then I would recommend reading "the game" by neill strauss.
    DON'T implement every idea you see in this book or try to copy the lifestyle expoused as you may turn into the greatest tosser on the face of the earth, but you should get a few good pointers


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 752 ✭✭✭Lorax


    Steyr wrote:
    Thats a stereotype and not true, many of my mates got hooked up on trips to the cinema or down to mutual friends who just hang out etc clubs are NOT the only answer to getting a fella/bird.

    What are you onj about the cinema I was jus saing ppl can and do meet their partners in nightclubs, I never said they were the ONLY answer. I met my current gf at a house party tho theyre better


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    samehere wrote:
    Like u i refuse to throw myself at women in nightclubs or take interest in certain things ,that i normally wouldnt, simply to get a girl, and i despise the attitude of getting a girlfriend simply for the sake of having one.
    Its hard to hold on to my standards when the wait has been so long and everyone else seems to be doing so well..........but i do honestly beleive things will turn out the better for it.

    Guys don't worry, i'm a girl and i'm in the same situation. I have so many friends that just kiss anybody when were out and if thats their thing then fine but it ain't mine! I hate being out and some drunken guy tries to start coming onto you, it's just diguisting!!

    I'm not trying to be all old-fashioned but i'd like to get to know a guy and then start something.

    I've never been in a real relationship and i'm 20. I'm in loads of clubs/socs and have friends who are guys but like you dont have guys in my closer circle of friends. I have noticed that alot of my friends are suddenly in serious relationships. It gets to you sometimes but as the poster above said it will happen!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,698 ✭✭✭InFront


    You're definitely not in an unusual situation. People tend not to get caught up in these kinds of relationships for all sorts of reasons, and I would certainly agree with you on not wanting to be the guy who's abjectly "fishing" for girls or demeaning a girl in a nightclub, that's a perfectly reasonable line to take, and I'm sure it is one which your future girlfriend will appreciate.

    As for not having many girls in your social circle, that's not too unusual. In general I would agree that men are simply easier to become friends with, and make for better friendships than most women would. I certainly wouldn't see it as "excluding" women, merely fitting your friendships to the type of company you enjoy. (Anyway everybody knows girls have germs)

    So I don't think you really need our advice: keep doing what you're doing, keep socialising with friends, but be open to new friendships and maybe eventually relationships. You don't sound like you have anything wrong with you, many guys I know (I'm 21) have never been in relationships.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    well i have a very close-knit group of friends (all male) and we're really close and have known eachother years so i've never really felt i had a need to 'put myself out there' because my mates provide me with alot of the social and emotional (hope i'm not getting too gay here) needs, so in that respect i've been very lucky to have a group who i can count on and call true friends....and for the rest, because there are some social and emotional needs which my mates CAN NOT meet, frustration and 'inner' loneliness are bearable inconveniences.

    are relationships and close friendships incompatable? do i have to sacrafice one to achieve the other?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,525 ✭✭✭vorbis


    I used to be very like the OP up till about age 23. However I came to a realisation (not the same for everyone I know) that my beliefs that the "right" one would come along was just masking my inability to talk to and ultimately get girls.

    I realised that any scorn I heaped on the guys who drunkenly score in nightclubs was jealously based on my own failings. I used to think what they did was sleazy. Now I realise I'm doing similar stuff when out in a club BECAUSE it works! It works because a lot of girls like it.

    The point of my rant is to look at yourself and ask yourself do you really believe what you wrote in the original post. Or if its a defence mechanism?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭Kell


    It's natural for males to seek out other males when their in a social situation. Males find it easier to relate to other males, just as females find it easier to relate to other females.

    ROFL. Jeebus where did you come up with that nonsense?

    Perhaps I am weird, but as a male I gravitate towards female company and all of my female friends gravitate towards males.

    The only way to get a member of the opposite sex is to talk to them. Simple.

    The amount of people that come on bleating about how difficult it is to get to know a member of the opposite sex while not actually stating that they have pulled their finger out and done anything as rash and walking up to a total stranger and iniating a conversation is unreal.

    Listen up people- it really is that easy. No one is going to hand you a perfectly prepared GF/BF on a plate with a side order of whatever you fancy, YOU have to go and get one.

    An experiment for all those who go "uh, I am not a total ugly b*tid/be'atch, but no-one seems to take an interest" walk up to a random person in the supermarket tonight, and ask them out for a drink. I dare you. If he/she says no (ladies, we are not going to say no BTW), ask another one. If you can ask a complete random stranger out for a drink in Tesco's, you can ask anyone out anywhere.
    InFront wrote:
    men are simply easier to become friends with, and make for better friendships than most women would

    Oh the learning left on this chap. Women make superb friends, in fact the best kind.

    K-


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 433 ✭✭me and the biz


    One of my mates is 22, never been in a relationship and a virgin. It gets him down but he does sweet f all about it. He doesn't go out that much or won't approach girls. He has to help himself, put himself out there, get shot down and move on. I mean a girlfriend isn't going to feckin appear in his bedroom.

    Its not that he's shy or anything, far from it. He's a great laugh and girls love that, he just doesn't see it. When he does go out and he's talking to girls they start flirting with him, he doesn't do anything because he simply doesn't see it. When we tell him he has a chance I suppose he thinks we're taking the piss and does nothing.

    We've tried setting him up before but he got freaked out or something and instead of talking and having a laugh with the girl, being himself he basically ignored her then disappeared for most of the night (we were in 21's).

    I think he's just resigned himself to the fact it'll never happen with girls.. until he gets over he's own uptightness it won't.

    /end of rant


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,266 ✭✭✭Steyr


    I'm not trying to be all old-fashioned but i'd like to get to know a guy and then start something.

    See now that sounds like my kinda girl!:D If only there were more of u!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,579 ✭✭✭Webmonkey


    Steyr wrote:
    See now that sounds like my kinda girl!:D If only there were more of u!
    Yeah i second that :(


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,268 ✭✭✭Zapho


    samehere wrote:
    Like u i refuse to throw myself at women in nightclubs or take interest in certain things ,that i normally wouldnt, simply to get a girl, and i despise the attitude of getting a girlfriend simply for the sake of having one.

    You don't have to "throw" yourself at a girl in a nightclub, but at the sametime,
    if you don't approach a girl you like the look of, how are you gonna know if
    you'd like to go out with her or not? I'm definately of the mind to get to know
    a girl as much as possible before even considering going out with her, but
    sometimes you can make an instant connection with someone.

    I do agree with you about the "girlfriend for the sake of it" bit. I do see that
    all too often and its really unfair on the girl, especially if she really likes the guy.
    I always try and be sure that I really think its worth going out with someone
    before things get too serious. Good luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'Ha I think its more like if there were more guys who are like that!!'


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,266 ✭✭✭Steyr


    'Ha I think its more like if there were more guys who are like that!!'

    No we need women like you hun.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'Well maybe a few of both!!'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 752 ✭✭✭Lorax


    Kell wrote:
    An experiment for all those who go "uh, I am not a total ugly b*tid/be'atch, but no-one seems to take an interest" walk up to a random person in the supermarket tonight, and ask them out for a drink. I dare you. If he/she says no (ladies, we are not going to say no BTW), ask another one. If you can ask a complete random stranger out for a drink in Tesco's, you can ask anyone out anywhere.

    I would say no anyway Im happy with my girlfriend not gonna risk my relationship to go out with some random weirdo who hassles me while shopping. I dont do the shopping anyway so thats not gonna happen lol


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭Kell


    Lorax wrote:
    to go out with some random weirdo who hassles me

    Its people with attitudes like yours that make trying to date difficult. You might just be passing up the best thing that ever happened to you (assuming both parties are single) by saying no. Do you also look down your nose at someone outside a pub having a fag if they start a conversation with you?

    I just cant get people who assume that if a person speaks to you or asks you out they are automatically a weirdo. Thats just fúcking retarded. What happened to live and let live?

    Pfft.

    K-


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,098 ✭✭✭✭Kintarō Hattori


    When I was seventeen I went out with a young lady for almost two years. It was my first relationship and occured while I was still in school. I choose to end it as it wasn't really going anywhere and we were both just too young to really understand it. After that I went onto do various things, got a job and moved out of the house eventually.

    I moved into an apartment in Rathmines with my best mate. I had good friends both male and female and lived there for the best part of three years. I had a job I liked, great friends, great parties, the best of times. During all that time though, both myself and my flatmate didn't have a girlfriend, it just didn't seem to happen. We used to have dreary talks about what we must be doing wrong and how we could rectify the situation.

    My last relationship had been when I was 17 but when I was 27 and still living in Rathmines out of the blue I ended up meeting someone and two years later we're still together. We're in love and can't imagine being without each other. So I've gone from nothing to a truely incredible relationship.

    That was aalmost a 10 year! gap between relationships, 10 years without sex, and yes it used to get me down. I wasn't particuarly shy, I was sociable, had good friends and was mostly a positive person. So don't let yourself get down. It can be tough going and you do question yourself sometimes and if you'll ever meet anyone, let alone the right person. But it will happen for you and more often than not when you least expect it.

    Don't let it hold you back. Get on with things, enjoy yourself and just live your life.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,566 ✭✭✭GrumPy


    Kell wrote:
    Its people with attitudes like yours that make trying to date difficult. You might just be passing up the best thing that ever happened to you (assuming both parties are single) by saying no. Do you also look down your nose at someone outside a pub having a fag if they start a conversation with you?

    I just cant get people who assume that if a person speaks to you or asks you out they are automatically a weirdo. Thats just fúcking retarded. What happened to live and let live?

    Pfft.

    K-

    Agree 100% there are way too many people around like this.


  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 35,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭dr.bollocko


    Agree 100% there are way too many people around like this.
    QFT.
    OP from time to time you will come across objectionable and rude people with closetted attitudes when approaching new people for conversation. It is something to remember that we are a mixed bag, and the perfect person won't fall into your lap.
    But neither are you on the shelf, destined to be a singleton devoid of love. You are only young, and if now is not the time to start freaking out strangers, (Pfft) then when?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 91 ✭✭colc1


    THis might have been mentioned before but I think a lot of the problem is single sex schools, friends abroad just think its weird and you end up leaving school very often with only male friends (thats from a bloke's perspective anyway)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 61 ✭✭Skiesonfire19


    Personally, I find it hard to believe that you 'don't know any girls', i'm only 18 and i'm with my girlfriend for two years! And I literally bumped into her in Dublin when I first met her!

    Do you not socalize well or feel un-confident in clubs or anything?

    Skies


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,579 ✭✭✭Webmonkey


    Well im in a computer course and theres only one girl in it which i happen to be great friends with but besides that I wouldn't really know/socialise with any other girls only my flat mate.
    It is hard for some to find girls, especially if you got no ring of friends that include females


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