I'm in love with a married man!

Surfer Chick

Hi everyone.

Please before I start I just want to say that the last thing I need is a lecture. I know its wrong what we are doing but we can't help our feelings.

Myself and this man are both in separate marriages but over a lenghty period of time (3 years) are grown closer and closer and have fallen for each other.

Both our marriages are far from perfect and to be honest are failing miserably. We are just so in love and meet every chance possible. I am just so confused and want to be with this man but don't want to hurt anyone.

HAs anyone been in a similar situation?

Beruthiel

Surfer Chick wrote:

Please before I start I just want to say that the last thing I need is a lecture. I know its wrong what we are doing but we can't help our feelings.

Yes you can, it's called self control.

Both our marriages are far from perfect and to be honest are failing miserably.

Hardly surprising since you both are paying more attention to each other rather then the people you alledgely loved enough to marry.

We are just so in love and meet every chance possible. I am just so confused and want to be with this man but don't want to hurt anyone.

Which is exactly what will happen.
It's very simple.
You both finish with your partners, take the sh!t which will surely come and live out your lives happily ever after (this rarely happens except in fairytales)

Or,
you actually look at the man you married and decide that you will try to make up to him for what you are doing behind his back. You put yourself 100% into the marriage and give it a go.
You never see this man you are having an affair with again.

Your husband doesn't deserve to be treated like this, he deserves to be with someone who loves him.

Do either of you people have children btw?

Beetlebum

How long have you been married and how long have you and your husband been having problems? Marraiges, much like any relationship, require alot of communication and work. When the going got tough you chose to bail on your marraige instead of trying to work things out.

Obviously reaslising your marraige is in trouble or your feelings for your husband have changed is not a nice situation to find yourself in but you should have faced up to it and tried to deal with it instaed of f*cking somebody else. Your obligation as a wife is to stay with him through good times and bad.

I understand that people fall out of love and feelings change, that's just an infortunate fact of life. Going behind someones back is about the worst thing you could of done. God, it just makes me sick how weak and sneaky some people can be.

How do you sleep at night.....oh yeah, I forgot....with another man....nice

Sleepy

Surfer Chick wrote:

I know its wrong what we are doing but we can't help our feelings.

You may not be able to control your feelings, but you can certainly control how you act upon them.

I recommend giving your husband the divorce he deserves, taking nothing financially from the marriage.

King of Kings

surfer chick - you need to choose what you want to do.
finish one relationship.
decide who you want to be with. although I'll tell you this... you may have to finish with both cos the bf may only be there as a symptom of your unhappy marriage. if you really have feelings for him that will sort it's self out in time.

it seems to me that you are afraid to the fallout of ending your marriage.
you need to be strong enough to do not just for your sake but for the sake of your husband who is wasting his life with somebody who doesn't love him and he doesn't even know.
That is not fair on him.

As a person with a failed marriage behind me. I can tell you this that the sense of relief at being free and having your life back again - outweighs any grief or any smart comments from the older folks in both your families.

on the other hand you should examine your relationship with your husband and see why you fell out of love and if their is hope focus on the positive and build from there.

One final thing? Are you sure of your bf's motives...he could be unwilling to leave his marriage.

Surfer Chick

I never said I slept with this man people. I said we've grown so closer and we have kissed and cuddled but we haven't slept with each other so please don't just assume things like that.

Surfer Chick

He has 2 kids!

Kinetic^

Would you ever grow up woman ffs :rolleyes:

He's a father of 2 & husband, so that's 3 lives you're going to ruin if you keep this crap up.

Sleepy

Surfer Chick wrote:

I never said I slept with this man people. I said we've grown so closer and we have kissed and cuddled but we haven't slept with each other so please don't just assume things like that.

So that's perfectly okay then? :rolleyes:

Do you really think your happiness is worth ruining those children's lives for? Not to mention his wife and your husbands?

Mighty_Mouse

I never said I slept with this man people. I said we've grown so closer and we have kissed and cuddled but we haven't slept with each other so please don't just assume things like that.

For me its not the actual "act" of a partner/spouse sleeping with someone else but the feelings behind it.

Personally I wouldn't tolerate any slight deviation from loyalty but I can understand how people forgive and forget drunken "one night stand" stupid mistakes.

I dont however understand how anybody could get over a secret relationship or an "affair". To me, you're having an affair. The fact the the "act" of sex hasn't taken place is secondary. You've fallen in love with another man, shared intimacy with another man, wanted to have sex with another man.......................etc etc

Maybe you're clutching at straws thinking that the fact that ye haven't gone through with sex is a redeeming quality? I dont. In fact you may aswell at this stage.

Time to decide between married man and husband. Do it carefully or you'll be left with neither.

Surfer Chick

And why is it always the womans fault ffs. He's just as much in love with me as i am with him.

I tried numerous times to not answering his calls or texts and to try save my marriage but he just kept after me. He adores me.

Zombrex

Surfer Chick wrote:

Hi everyone.

Please before I start I just want to say that the last thing I need is a lecture. I know its wrong what we are doing but we can't help our feelings.

Myself and this man are both in separate marriages but over a lenghty period of time (3 years) are grown closer and closer and have fallen for each other.

Both our marriages are far from perfect and to be honest are failing miserably. We are just so in love and meet every chance possible. I am just so confused and want to be with this man but don't want to hurt anyone.

HAs anyone been in a similar situation?

Even if you never see this other man again you should leave your husband. There is no way to do this without hurting him, that is just something you will have to live with

TBH it sounds like you are both having a case of "the grass is greener" syndrome. Don't be surprised if this last 6 months after you both divorse. I would suggest that you are probably the type of person to fall in "love" quite easy, and probably not in the right of mind to be married to someone right now.

But what ever happens you should leave your husband. You are not ready to be married, and maybe take a serious look at yourself and how you view relationships before you consider marriage again.

Lust4Life

OP, you should have stated that only married people need respond to this thread.

Just keep in mind that your prospective soul mate may drag his feet and not leave his marriage so quickly.

Be honest with your husband. List the things that aren't working in your relationship. Marriages go through many stages and it's never easy. You just need to decide if it is worth the effort to save it or get out.

But remember that you could quite possibly be trading one set of problems for another - or worse, your new love may have the same issues as your husband and you just haven't reached that stage to see it! :eek:

Give it a lot of thought before you act upon your feelings. You're going to be the villain here. Are you prepared for that?

Can you tell that I'm on the same fence? It sucks.

Sleepy

Surfer Chick wrote:

And why is it always the womans fault ffs. He's just as much in love with me as i am with him.

I tried numerous times to not answering his calls or texts and to try save my marriage but he just kept after me. He adores me.

If he was posting here, he'd be getting the same advice: to grow up and accept responsibility for his actions. You're both behaving terribly.

LegacyUser

'I know how the op feels. I have been in that situation too. Most of the posts here are negative and judgemental. Until you've walked a mile in another persons shoes, don't think you can judge them.

OP: I know it's a difficult position to be in. The two of you have to talk it through. No matter what you both decide, someone is going to get hurt. That could be you and him or his or your partner and his kids. In my case we both decided to finish the affair. Personally I regret this now.

I hope you sort it soon.'

Surfer Chick

I said that i didn't want a lecture ffs. theres no need to be nasty. Love is a natural human uncontrollable feeling and theres nothing you can do to stop your feelings.

I've even met his boys. They're beautiful little guys and love me too.

Sleepy

Do you think they'll love you after "you've" hurt their mummy (because that's how they'll see it)?

Did you expect people to tell you that what you're doing is okay? That if you leave your husband for this man he'll certainly leave his wife and kids and that everything will be wonderful?

We can't control who we love. We can however, control how we act about it.

The most likely set of events if you leave your husband for this man will be that he'll be far more reluctant to leave his wife and kids, if he does, you'll be the villain in the eyes of anyone you both know for being the 'home-wrecker', his kids will hate you, the relationship will cool under the weight of all this pressure and the fact that it'll be a real relationship and not just stolen moments where you never really discover the bad things about one another and eventually the strain will take it's toll and you'll both be left single divorcees with a lot of other people hurt too.

Edit: Surfer Chick, I'm not trying to be nasty, just trying to show you the reality of your situation. While I said you're both behaving terribly, I think the man in question is behaving even worse than you. What kind of example is he setting for his kids?

Beetlebum

Surfer Chick wrote:

He has 2 kids!

So this man is sneaking around behind his wifes back and considering walking out on his family? Is that really the knid of man you want to be with. Whos to say he won't do the same thing to you down the line? Or maybe you'll do it to him cause you're clearly as untrustworthy as each other.

You say you haven't slept with him yet. I find that hard to believe but if that is true, what if you sleep with him only to find that you don't connect sexually? To be honest I think it's unlikely your both madly in love and prepared to walk out on your marraiges without even having sex yet.

You're obviously both very good liars.

LegacyUser

'Can I try to balance out the one sided advice coming out here....people seem to ignore that we now have divorce in this country for a reason, the people voted that marriage is not forever, and we all make mistakes. That said, the way in which you choose to end a marriage and the reasons why are never gonna be straight forward. I sympathise with the OP and hope that both she and this man come to the decision thats right for everyone. Him being a father does not mean that he must stay in a loveless marriage, I thought we had all learned the lessons on that one. Its a tough situation, but the only avenue is decisions decisions decisions.....and make all attempts to minimise the hurt and/or harm that might be caused.'

cichlid child

No lecture put you mailed before about this man it seems your only married 2 years and you say in your last post about this earlier in the year that you have made love to him. do yourself,him,his wife,your husband and their kids a favour and forget this affair and saying you met his kids and they love you,do you think they love you more than their mother.I assume your old enough to know what your doing because your married but being mature enough is a different thing.

LegacyUser

'

Surfer Chick wrote:

I said that i didn't want a lecture ffs. theres no need to be nasty. Love is a natural human uncontrollable feeling and theres nothing you can do to stop your feelings.

I've even met his boys. They're beautiful little guys and love me too.

so, you want everyone to say "go for it, ther's nothing wrong with what you're doing!"

i dont think you're gonna get that, you asked for opinions, so you'll get them - and not just ones you want to hear. I grew up with just 1 of my parents, and I think its disgusting even contemplating breaking up a family (on your part and on his, - he'll probably do it anyway, with you our someone else) don't know how anyone could live with that guilt.'

letterman

Surfer Chick wrote:

. He adores me.

And I assume he adored his wife as well when he decided to marry her and have kids. Time for a reality check lady. Look at his hands, is that a ring, oh my god, he's married, oh yeah, so are you!!!!

Beruthiel

Surfer Chick wrote:

I said that i didn't want a lecture ffs. theres no need to be nasty. Love is a natural human uncontrollable feeling and theres nothing you can do to stop your feelings.

We never said you could help your feelings, what we are saying is that you should never have acted on them.
The fact that he has two kids further means you should never have gotten involved with him and as soon as you felt you could not help how you felt you should have cut contact with him totally.
Why?
Because he has two kids who love and adore him, who look up to him more than anyone else in this world and all you are doing is ruining their poor little lives. But don't let your 'feeling' get in the way of theirs eh?

I've even met his boys. They're beautiful little guys and love me too.

They love their parents in a way that you can never be loved by them.

I said we've grown so closer and we have kissed and cuddled but we haven't slept with each other so please don't just assume things like that.

I'm sure his wife will be perfectly understanding then.

And why is it always the womans fault ffs. He's just as much in love with me as i am with him.

It's both your faults.

I tried numerous times to not answering his calls or texts and to try save my marriage but he just kept after me. He adores me.

Really?
So how come he has not divorced his wife then?

letterman

Surfer Chick wrote:

I said that i didn't want a lecture ffs. theres no need to be nasty. Love is a natural human uncontrollable feeling and theres nothing you can do to stop your feelings.

I've even met his boys. They're beautiful little guys and love me too.

Dont thiink that anyone is being overly nasty to you. Everyone has an opinion.

By the way, do you think his beautiful little guys would still love you to death if they realised you could be the reason for their safe little world coming crashing down. That comment sounds seriously OTT.

Beetlebum

Surfer Chick wrote:

I never said I slept with this man people. I said we've grown so closer and we have kissed and cuddled but we haven't slept with each other so please don't just assume things like that.

You've posted about him before and you said you had slept with him. Why lie about it, is it a complusion you have to be devious?

What goes around comes around Surfer Chick, the karma police will get you in the end.

Nalz

we can have this arugument all day but the fact of the matter is OP - people here are telling you in black and white to think of others in this case, especially if your going to break this fella's wife's heart, not even to mention the little rascals. Try your best to think bout this rationally.

Is he the "one" as they say?
Can I prevent this chaos?
Is he worth all this hassle?
Can I break this family up, break 4 hearts in two?
Can I live with people hating me because of a choice I had?
Can I live with all the drama?
Will I be happy with him, this situation, this mess for the rest of my life?
Am I 100% sure he'll be with me forever, and it will be more than worth the ride?

If the answer to all these questions are yes...then fire away

Beruthiel

mytwocents wrote:

Him being a father does not mean that he must stay in a loveless marriage, I thought we had all learned the lessons on that one..

No one here disagrees with that. If you are in a loveless marriage that has been given every chance and failed, you divorce.
However,
you do not carry on with someone else while in that marriage, that is unbelievely disrespectful to your partner.
You should at least have the good grace and manners to finish one relationship before starting another.
Anything else is selfish in the extreem and just about as low as you can go.

Frequent

Love is expressed through actions - ultimately feelings have little to do with it. We all go through grey patches with our partners but it is a choice to love them. Likewise, you have made conscious choices to betray your husband.

You have the mentality of a teenager.

LegacyUser

'

Beruthiel wrote:

No one here disagrees with that. If you are in a loveless marriage that has been given every chance and failed, you divorce.
However,
you do not carry on with someone else while in that marriage, that is unbelievely disrespectful to your partner.
You should at least have the good grace and manners to finish one relationship before starting another.
Anything else is selfish in the extreem and just about as low as you can go.

All very true and I don't disagree that both parties here have done wrong to their partners.....but isn't that in the past, did this woman not come looking for advice. The judgemental attitude of most is completely unhelpful, although some are offering logical steps to take from here. The past can't be changed, what she wants to affect is the future :-)'

Gordon

Beetlebum wrote:

You've posted about him before and you said you had slept with him.

She didn't:
link

Frequent wrote:

You have the mentality of a teenager.

That specific comment is not helpful and not wanted here, thanks.

joe_chicken

Surfer Chick wrote:

HAs anyone been in a similar situation?

Not sure what kind of advice you're looking for?!

"I was in exactly the same position. <insert magic solution> and everything worked out great"

Every relationship is different (and there's alot of relationships in your case... including children, wife, husband...)

I'm not gonna judge (although, to be honest, that sounds like what you want) but the only person who knows how all these relationships will be effected is you, and as a result, the only person who knows what to do is you

is_that_so

That nice fuzzy feeling is something of an illusion having been there myself, albeit very briefly. The thoughts of what you think you have, make your own current reality more tolerable. Without being judgmental you really must address the shortcomings or failings of your own marriage. He also needs to do the same. Until the absolute reality of your own situations are completely clear, you will not be embracing these other feelings with an open mind. Everyone has a right to happiness but be sure you know exactly what you are wishing for.

cichlid child

Gordon wrote:

She didn't:
link

she did

You don't understand. We've met up on tons of occasions. We know each other inside out. I love him so much and he loves me. When we made love it was the best i've ever had. I can feel his love for me.

letterman

. I can feel his love for me.[/QUOTE]

Sorry to dissapoint you but thats probably just his erection

Gordon

cichlid child wrote:

Gordon wrote:

She didn't:
link

she did

You don't understand. We've met up on tons of occasions. We know each other inside out. I love him so much and he loves me. When we made love it was the best i've ever had. I can feel his love for me.

Oops, sorry, my apologies I didn't read that bit, was reading the first post.

Kinetic^

Yah she said she had elsewhere.........unless she's cheating with 2 men Wouldn't surprise me as she seems to be good at lying!!!!!!

Nemehotatse

OP

I'm not about to judge or berate you (how could i) or even clap you on the back. I have walked a mile in your shoes. I was faced with a similiar choice. and i've probably said all the same things you have said here or in your head.

I decided to take time to myself. I took some leave from work and told my wife i had a business trip and made a decision. alone. when i returned on the tuesday i resigned my position and left 2 weeks later. I had no job to go to.
I told my wife i was sick of all the crap i had to face and putting up with a boss that was full of crap. she accepted that reasoning and i soon found a new job. soon after getting the new job we moved. I threw my mobile phone away and never logged into my email accounts saying they where being over spammed.

basically i started a fresh. most people here will call me a coward for not owning up to what i did, and they are probably right. Over that weekend i decided that what i was doing was wrong and i was going to spend the rest of my life making up for it.

is everything perfect? far from it but its getting beter each day. before i would sit awake at night and contimplate suicide over the situation. now i wake and am thankful for every sunrise i see. and when i wake before my wife i sit ane watch her sleep and i am thankful for her.

I had a choice take the easy route or the dark path. to me i chose the dark path (others may not feel that way) I have to live with the guilt of what i have done every day. granted i never owned up to what i did and I am sure i'll be condemned for that.

for you i think you need to take some time alone and decide where you want to be in your life and who you want to be with, and if it really does mean leaving your husband then do so but not because some married guy says he loves you but because it is what you want for yourself. I never told my wife what happened.

Godspeed

Beruthiel

So Surfer Chick
2 threads on the same subject in 4 months.
What was it you wanted to hear that would be different from the last thread?
It's clear that you have no intention of changing your situation as nothing would appear to have changed.

This is real life, not some rose tinted world that you hope exists where everything works out hunky dory.
You basically have to come to a hard, difficult decision and stick to it. We cannot help you with that.
No matter what you do, it will take hugh will power, pain and suffering and an experience that you should learn from if you're smart. That's it in a nutshell.

aidan24326

SurferChick I was almost starting to see your side of things (just a little bit btw) until it now transpires that you even tell lies on an anonymous messageboard! You can't get truly honest answers or opinions on here if you won't even tell the truth about your situation, so it's clear that you were just hoping for a few pats on the back to ease your conscience. That's if you even have a conscience.

What the fcuk did you expect people to say? Go girl, you do whatever you want, never mind about anybody else.

If your marriage is in trouble (hardly surprising since you're giving your love to someone else!) then that's a problem for you to deal with. If you still love your husband it may be possible to put the spark back in your marriage and cut contact with this other guy. If on the other hand you've decided that your marriage is not what you want anymore then you have the option to leave. Your husband doesn't deserve to be stuck in a marriage with a lying cheat, and you owe him better than that.

BUT, even if your marriage is on the way out, that doesn't give you the right to screw around with somebody else's. They have 2 kids, which makes it a different ballgame entirely. If he wants to leave them that's his choice to make, but you don't have to be the cause of it. Like I said if you want to leave your husband that's up to you, he surely deserves better anyway, but it is imperative that you leave this other guy alone while he's still in his marriage. If he makes the choice to leave his wife and kids for you then you'll have to deal with the fallout from that when it comes, and it won't be pretty. Are you sure that he even would leave them? Very possible that he wouldn't you know.

The Sweeper

OP, back on topic for a moment, because I've never been one to produce the scarlet paintbrush or the whore-of-babylon tar brush.

You say you are in a failing marriage. And you have no kids.

And he is in a failing marriage, but he has kids.

Now most people would agree that kids completely change the face of a marriage. Plenty of unhappy people keep at their relationship for the sake of their children.

But if you have no children, why are you still in your marriage? If you know you're not in love with your husband any more, why are you still with him?

There is a big difference between the passion fading in your marriage, or the spontonaeity disappearing, or your love life going off the boil, and actually no longer loving your partner. It is naturally for the roaring flames of passion to die down after the first six months or a year of you being together. However, if you still love your partner, you can stoke those coals back into fire. You'll also find that other things grow to replace passion - trust, reliance, respect - every year that passes you know the other person more and more fully, they become an extension of you.

If you no longer love your husband, why are you hanging around? You won't grow closer. You have nothing to build on.

You're wasting his time.

Why haven't you moved out and started a new life on your own? Were you just waiting for something better to come along? Is this married man with two children your excuse to leave your husband, and if so are you hoping to bounce right out of one rocky relationship and right into another?

Married men often think of a mistress as a distraction that allows them to maintain their own marriage, not an alternative to it. The excitement of being with you is what allows him to stay with his wife for the sake of their kids.

I don't care if you've slept with the other guy or not, or kissed him or not - I don't care if you blow him in the back seat of his car twice a week after he's dropped the boys off at swimming class and that's the sum total of your relationship. I've never seen the point of bickering over degrees of infidelity in a situation like this, because your level of infidelity isn't the issue.

The issue is you don't love your husband, but you're too cowardly to leave him unless it's for something better.

Why don't you let him make something of his life by just getting out of it?

jimmycrackcorm

I say the op should keep the status quo. The other partners are blissfully unaware so no-one is being actually hurt (yet).

Surfer Chick

Look I love him and he loves me and if it means breaking a whole pile of hearts so be it. I can't worry about who i'm going to hurt or not hurt. We only get one chance at this life and why waste it in a miserable loveless marriage.

We need to be together and his children will understand in time why it had to happen that way.

For everyone that has been so helpful and kind: Thank you
For everyone else: Go f**k yourselves

Beetlebum

The world is a better place because people like you are in it.....well done, you should be really proud of yourself....your sound....

Beruthiel

Go f**k yourselves

Another outburst like that and I'll ban you from this forum.

Surfer Chick wrote:

I can't worry about who i'm going to hurt or not hurt.

Of course you can't, they're only little kids after all.

We only get one chance at this life and why waste it in a miserable loveless marriage.

So how come you haven't left your husband then?

We need to be together and his children will understand in time why it had to happen that way.

You just keep telling yourself that.

Sleepy

Surfer Chick wrote:

Look I love him and he loves me and if it means breaking a whole pile of hearts so be it. I can't worry about who i'm going to hurt or not hurt. We only get one chance at this life and why waste it in a miserable loveless marriage.

We need to be together and his children will understand in time why it had to happen that way.

For everyone that has been so helpful and kind: Thank you
For everyone else: Go f**k yourselves

**** it, I'll take the ban if Beruthiel decides one is warranted for this but you're behaving like a spoilt little bitch OP. If it means breaking a whole pile of hearts so be it? What kind of selfish **** thinks that way? Is your possible happiness is worth ruining 4 or five other lives for?

Take it from someone who's father left for another woman, out of three kids, I'm the only one that doesn't despise her or hate him for leaving and unless you've left a lot out, he had a hell of a lot more extenuating circumstances than you.

Grow up. You're not daddy's precious little toddler any more. You're an adult. Act like it.

Mighty_Mouse

You should at least have the good grace and manners to finish one relationship before starting another.

bingo

In fairness, some of the arguments made are so simplistic and selfish, also given the fact the same thread was posted before, I swear this is a teenager looking for a reaction.

The Sweeper

Surfer Chick has not once stated that the married man she is seeing has suggested he leave his wife and children to be with her.

It is entirely possible that when she bring this 'F*ck them all' attitude to him, he'll send her packing.

A mistress is only adorable when she's a mistress. She becomes boring when she's your missus.

Beruthiel

Sleepy wrote:

**** it, I'll take the ban if Beruthiel decides one is warranted for this but you're behaving like a spoilt little bitch OP. If it means breaking a whole pile of hearts so be it? What kind of selfish **** thinks that way?

I've given Surfer Chick a warning for name calling, now you get one too.

The next person to start calling others names, gets banned for a week

upthere

I'd love choco choco chip icecream now.

Surfer Chick

****************************************************
cuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcunt

BAN ME!!!!! I don't need you worthless ****s anyway

Nalz

upthere wrote:

I'd love choco choco chip icecream now.

what? really?