I need advice, I'm such an idiot

Surfer Chick · 14-08-2006 3:08pm #1

Hi

I've been married just over a year.

Before I got engaged I met this bloke. He was so nice and we became friendly. Anyway it turned out that we ended up being with each other a couple of times.

I stayed with my now husband as I could never hurt his feelings by breaking up. Anyway when he asked me to marry him I said yes and finished all contact with this other guy.

Now I'm married just over a year and this guy has started texting me again. He's bringing back up the past and we really did share some beautiful moments and I'm absolutely falling in love with him. He wants to meet up with me and I just know we would end up making love if I meet him but that would be so wrong.

He is married too. I don't know what to do. Its so hard. I do really really love him but I don't want to hurt anybody.

AngryBadger · 14-08-2006 3:12pm

The excuse that you don't want to hurt anybody holds absolutely no water. If you wanted this guy then you shouldn't have gotten married. The fact that you did is far worse than actually cheating on your partner.

The only way for you to go is to leave your husband because you obviously are not in love with him if you cheated on him before marraige, and now you're pretty much looking for a handy way off the hook so you can do so again.

Mrs_Doyle · 14-08-2006 3:14pm

Wow, I am finding it difficult to feel sorry for you.
You say you didn't tell your husband (then boyfriend) because you didn't want to hurt his feelings?
But you were ok with betraying him, cheating on him, sneaking around behind his back, lying to him......?
Perhaps you married in haste, and for the wrong reasons, but if you think you would sleep with this man if you met them then I don't think you should continue in your marriage.
Perhaps you should end your current relationship, if you could really call it that, before considering starting a new one.
Also, try to have some consideration for your ex lovers wife, she doesn't deserve to be deceived.

event · 14-08-2006 3:14pm

dont meet him

Tchocky · 14-08-2006 3:15pm

Well if all you are doing is texting him and not meeting up, how can you say that you "really really love him"?

Also, you're "falling in love with him" from text messages?

Beruthiel · 14-08-2006 3:16pm

Surfer Chick wrote:

He is married too. I don't know what to do. Its so hard. I do really really love him but I don't want to hurt anybody.

You don't know what to do :rolleyes:
Never contact him again. You're married, he's married, 4 people will get painfully hurt if you start anything.
If you don't love your husband enough to stay with him, then get a divorce and move on. He deserves to be with someone who would never dream of being with anyone else because she loves him so much.

Ruu_Old · 14-08-2006 3:18pm

You are going to hurt more than one person if you go and meet up with him. Focus on what you have with your husband.

Surfer Chick · 14-08-2006 3:18pm

I do have consideration for his wife and for my husband. We were going to meet up to discuss our future and what we should do but i'm scared to meet him because i'm so attracted to him and have such love for him. I know we'll end up being with each other again and I wouldn't do that while married.

I don't know what happened. It all went too far too quickly. We really have feelings for each other and can't help our feelings.

He also has 2 kids. He said he's going to leave his wife for me.

I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me and thats not what I want. I just need advice on what to do. Should I stay with my husband and maybe be unhappy for the rest of my life or make the leap and go with my soul mate?

Tchocky · 14-08-2006 3:20pm

Soul mate?

Are you sure?

You said ye had been with each other "a couple of times", and now he's texting you. I'm overwhelmed here with love :?

coffee_cake · 14-08-2006 3:21pm

Leave them both alone, tbh
get a divorce and stay single til you can cop on

Surfer Chick · 14-08-2006 3:22pm

Tchocky wrote:

Well if all you are doing is texting him and not meeting up, how can you say that you "really really love him"?

Also, you're "falling in love with him" from text messages?

You don't understand. We've met up on tons of occasions. We know each other inside out. I love him so much and he loves me. When we made love it was the best i've ever had. I can feel his love for me.

Mrs_Doyle · 14-08-2006 3:22pm

Surfer Chick wrote:

I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me and thats not what I want. I just need advice on what to do. Should I stay with my husband and maybe be unhappy for the rest of my life or make the leap and go with my soul mate?

Ok, no, I don't think you should stay with your husband.
But not just because you would be unhappy, but because he deserves so much better.
And No, I don't think you should enter into a relationship with your old lover, not immediately anyhow.
Perhaps you need to be alone for a while, and he certainly needs a cooling off period to consider his next move, especially as there are children involved.

For what it's worth, I think the term 'soulmate' might be a tad on the romantic side considering the circumstances.

garthv · 14-08-2006 3:24pm

You sound like an absoloute mindf*uck, you have no respect for you "husband" whatsoever. Either come clean to your husband now or end it with your husband. If I was married and i found out that my wife was doing this behind my back I'd be straight out the door.
Think of the other people you'll hurt instead of yourself for once.

Surfer Chick · 14-08-2006 3:26pm

I know the circumstances aren't perfect and the fact that there are kids involved is just terrible. I'd never want to hurt anyone let alone a child. But as i've said we can't help our feelings for each other.

We are soulmates I know it. I've never met anyone like him before in my life. We just met each other at the wrong time in life. I know the right thing to do is just cut all contact now and leave it at that. Its so hard though.

Surfer Chick · 14-08-2006 3:28pm

GaRtH_V wrote:

You sound like an absoloute mindf*uck, you have no respect for you "husband" whatsoever. Either come clean to your husband now or end it with your husband. If I was married and i found out that my wife was doing this behind my back I'd be straight out the door.
Think of the other people you'll hurt instead of yourself for once.

I am trying to think of the other people i'll hurt but what do you do when you crave to be with someone so much it hurts.

Anti · 14-08-2006 3:29pm

Your unhappy with your husband, and he might be unhappy with his wife. You both should tell your partners and leave them. and them both feck off somewhere like croatia. Then you'll probably both end up cheating on each other.

You made your ****ing bed. now lie on it !!

AngryBadger · 14-08-2006 3:29pm

Surfer Chick wrote:

You don't understand. We've met up on tons of occasions. We know each other inside out. I love him so much and he loves me. When we made love it was the best i've ever had. I can feel his love for me.

Look. You can dress this up however you like, but it comes down to the logistics of what you're doing at the end of the day. NOT THIS fairy tale unicorn BS ur trying to peddle. Let's review the scenarios:

1: You stay with your husband, and continue seeing this guy, eventually you get rumbled and your whole world and the world of this guys wife and kids goes to pot

2: You leave your husband and maybe this guy leaves his wife. There's a lot of pain involved, but at least your husband isn't being strugn out for the better part of his entire life

3: You stop seeing this guy, and pretend to be a committed loving wife to the man you've already betrayed and duped out of some misguided sense of penance or somesuch crap, over time your feelings atrophy into a bitter kind of resentment toward your husband and anything that springs from your relationship

Scenario 2 is the only one that can even remotely end well, and at that it'#s still pretty bad.

The fact that you think you're experiencing "true love" doesn't alleviate or excuse the fact that you're quite happy to wreak havok on a whole bunch of innocent people. If you had any shred of real feeling for anyone other than yourself you would have ended it with your partner before you married him. You didn't have the courage to do it then, and ever since you're trying to presuade yourself that the reason was because you don't want to hurt him while you continue to pursue a situation that will utterly destroy him in time.

End it.

AngryBadger · 14-08-2006 3:30pm

Surfer Chick wrote:

We are soulmates I know it.

Right except that you have no soul.

Surfer Chick wrote:

I know the right thing to do is just cut all contact now and leave it at that. Its so hard though.

That and leave your husband.

Anti · 14-08-2006 3:31pm

GaRtH_V wrote:

You sound like an absoloute mindf*uck, you have no respect for you "husband" whatsoever. Either come clean to your husband now or end it with your husband. If I was married and i found out that my wife was doing this behind my back I'd be straight out the door.
Think of the other people you'll hurt instead of yourself for once.

i concur !

LegacyUser · 14-08-2006 3:32pm

I think its obvious what you're going to do, you sound like you've made your mind up and just want people to tell you it's ok.

Think of his KIDS, they'll be the ones most effected.

dudara · 14-08-2006 3:32pm

As someone who was at the painful end of a similar situation, this is, in my view, a load of horsesh*t.

You are married, or it is just a matter of convience for you? Respect the vows that you took and treat them with dignity, or no one will ever respect you again.

Either stay with your husband or leave him, but do not carry on with this stupid selfish and ultimately destructive behaviour.

Surfer Chick wrote:

We are soulmates I know it.

So why didn't you marry him instead, and why did he marry someone else.

The words "cake" and "eating it" come to mind here. Grow up!

Noopti · 14-08-2006 3:33pm

I know we'll end up being with each other again and I wouldn't do that while married.

Do you have any willpower whatsoever?
The people above me have pretty much summed up my feelings on this.

Surfer Chick · 14-08-2006 3:38pm

He was married already when I was with him for the first time.

I didn't know this. He didn't tell me he was married with two kids until about 6months later when I had already fallen for him.

I'll do the right thing. Thanks for the advice

Mrs_Doyle · 14-08-2006 3:41pm

Surfer Chick wrote:

I know the right thing to do is just cut all contact now and leave it at that. Its so hard though.

You have to understand that no matter how romantic and tragic you try to make it sound, the main thing people will focus on is that fact that you cheated on your then boyfriend, and are considering cheating on him with the same man now that he is your husband.
You don't have to cut all contact, not if you genuinely feel you have a future with this man, but you need to stop being so theatrical and start being real.

Ok, fine, I will stop being judgemental, and start giving logical advice

I think you should leave her husband, regardless of whether you begin a relationship with this other man.

If you really do think you are going to leave your husband then make arrangements regarding accommodation.

Don't punish your husband, he has done nothing wrong. Don't tell your husband you are leaving him, and then expect him to move out, arrange to stay at a friends, break it to him, move out for a week or so, and meet after that time to discuss what financial arrangements need to be made, what you want to do regarding your home etc.

Inform you ex lover of your decision, and ask him not to contact you during the time that you will be staying with your friend.

He needs to consider his next move without your influence.

After a month approx you will both be in a better position to decide where you want to go from there.
You will have had time to think, time to adjust to the idea of leaving your marital homes for good and beginning a new relationship with each other.
You also need to realise that the aftermath will not be pretty; people will be hurt, and families torn apart.
You will not just walk away into a happy ever after ending.
There will be financial strain, legal issues to address, such as custody, sale of property and belongings. Child support - etc.

I hope you have considered the bigger picture, if not, maybe now is the time to do so.

Beruthiel · 14-08-2006 3:41pm

Surfer Chick wrote:

I'd never want to hurt anyone let alone a child.

Lying to others is one thing, lying to yourself is unacceptable. The above comment is bull**** - if you really meant it, then you would leave these kids with their father.

We are soulmates I know it.

So how come you married your husband if you actually believed that?

Its so hard though.

Welcome to being a grown up - no one said it would be easy

ianmc38 · 14-08-2006 3:41pm

Surfer Chick wrote:

He also has 2 kids. He said he's going to leave his wife for me.

How many married men getting a bit on the side have said this exact line? A better figure would be the % that have followed through.

I'd like to know what type of relationship you have with your husband that you need to ask for advice like this on a public forum.

I would love to go on a rant on how everything you posted disgusts me, but I don't particularly want a banning so i'll restrain myself.

Tchocky · 14-08-2006 3:44pm

"He didn't tell me he was married with two kids until about 6months later when I had already fallen for him."

I would question his honesty & motives.

Surfer Chick · 14-08-2006 3:45pm

He's taking the kids with us.

I know its going to be very hard on his wife but she beats the kids so I've told him i'll love them as they are my own so he's going to take them from her and off with us. If this does all happen theres no way we can stay in the country. He is very wealthy so we are going to buy an apartment in Spain and live there for the time being.

Marksie · 14-08-2006 3:48pm

Surfer Chick wrote:

He was married already when I was with him for the first time.

I didn't know this. He didn't tell me he was married with two kids until about 6months later when I had already fallen for him.

I'll do the right thing. Thanks for the advice

What planet are you ON cos it aint this one. He is married when you met him, he didn't leave her then while you have your infatuation (its not love..its infatuation accept it).
You get married..god knows why!
After a year he gets back in touch by text... If he was your souls mate he would have left then. you were a Fling nothing more nothing less.
You are totally self delusional and living in cloud cuckoo land.

I pity your husband TBH. Your soulmate will never leave his wife and kids.

I am not usually this brusque with posters but ye gads how old are you???

I am not sure you know what the right thing is!!!!

Chinafoot · 14-08-2006 3:48pm

Surfer Chick wrote:

We were going to meet up to discuss our future and what we should do

Don't you think thats a conversation you should have with the man you made what is supposed to be a life-long commitment?

Surfer Chick wrote:

I know we'll end up being with each other again and I wouldn't do that while married.

So it was ok to do it before you got married? No offence but you seem to have very little respect for your husband and your marriage.

Surfer Chick wrote:

He also has 2 kids. He said he's going to leave his wife for me.

Don't be surprised if he in turn leaves you for someone else further down the road. Or if you decide someone new that comes along is really your soul mate when you dont want to deal with whatever challenges your relationship may throw at you.

Surfer Chick wrote:

Should I stay with my husband and maybe be unhappy for the rest of my life or make the leap and go with my soul mate?

Oh you should definitely leave your husband. You should never have married him as you clearly have no respect for him. You should leave him and let him get on with his life and find somebody that will love and respect him instead of suffering a lifetime of your undoubted infidelity and the humiliation that would go along with it.

Sounds like you and your "soul mate" deserve each other.

Surfer Chick wrote:

He's taking the kids with us.

I know its going to be very hard on his wife but she beats the kids so I've told him i'll love them as they are my own so he's going to take them from her and off with us. If this does all happen theres no way we can stay in the country. He is very wealthy so we are going to buy an apartment in Spain and live there for the time being.

Oh. dear.

This gets more and more ridiculous. I hope you'll be wearing a helmet for that inevitable drop back down to earth.

Surfer Chick · 14-08-2006 3:49pm

look none of you know the full story so please don't slate me.

he would leave his wife for me. He loves me more than anything. He'll come on here and declare it and I love him.

I need advice, I'm such an idiot

Comments