Thinking of calling off wedding

The Gecko

Q1 Do you love him enough to ignore:

That he won't compromise,

puts his mother above you,

is not willing to acknowledge your feelings and concerns,

Ignores that you now feel miserable and feel that you cant discuss this major concerm with him with him automatically shutting you out?

Are you sure that there is not some other issue involved in your unwillingness to have a big wedding is it purely the cost?

---

Q2 Do you love him enough to understand he may:

Be putting himself under pressure to deliver the big day for his family

Think that your only real concern is money and as a man he will handle the costs....

Need support to confront his parents (This could be a very difficult thing for him to do. Remember his parents have impacted on his life a lot longer then you, he may not even realise how worried he is aout living up to mammy and daddys expectations.)

Acknowledge that its his big day as well as yours and that your day will not be lessend by having extra people in attendence, as long as you have everyone there you want and need you should be happy.

Finally if you cant talk to him but want to get your point accross Copy this conversation into word amend some of the numbers and details. give it to him and tell him that this was on the web and you are feeling a similar way to this poor sole. After that if he cant get it into his head that he needs to talk with you, my guess would be that you will go through live struggling to communicate with each other eventually end up not liking each other even if you do love each other.

Best of luck, I hope it works out for you
Gecko

thegoth

Ok,

Have to keep this quick. No1, I am a guy, 26, just to let you know.

I think first of you need to accept some facts.

Fact 1 - He loves his parents and wants to make them happy and proud of him, after all, they surely sacrificed alot for him while bring him up.

Fact 2 - His parents will never probably be more proud of him than they will be on this they, and therefore want to share it with their friends.

Fact 3 - Inviting these many extra people probably will not add that much to the net total of the cost of the wedding, as they will all likely give money as presents, and if you spread any extra that it costs over the lifetime of a marriage, its surely not that much.

Conclusion - I think that what you are getting ( His happiness and being able to make his parents happy and proud of him on the biggest day of his life), is worth the extra few hundred ( net cost ) of inviting the extra 90 people.

Silverfish

thegoth wrote:

Fact 3 - Inviting these many extra people probably will not add that much to the net total of the cost of the wedding, as they will all likely give money as presents, and if you spread any extra that it costs over the lifetime of a marriage, its surely not that much.

Conclusion - I think that what you are getting ( His happiness and being able to make his parents happy and proud of him on the biggest day of his life), is worth the extra few hundred ( net cost ) of inviting the extra 90 people.

Five and a half grand? Dunno bout you, but that's a serious amount of money, in addition to the other wedding costs.

Sit him down, say you are discussing it.

If he doesn't listen, or won't discuss it, or tell you if his parents will foot the extra costs, then wedding off. Sorry, but stuff like this will come up again and again in married life, and if he's going to behave like that, on what is YOUR ( as a couple's) day..... then it's not looking good.

rs

Firstly, about the money. Yes weddings cost a lot (i know, I've been there recently enough). But, a lot of people are pretty generous with the wedding presents. If you can quietly let it be known that you would like cold hard cash as gifts . You'll find the cost of inviting extra people is really not that significant. Not having a wedding list is a good indcation to people that you don't want/need several toasters.

However, much more importantly, it's your wedding and if your husband-to-be is more concerned with his parents than his wife-to-be. There has to be a balance here. This is the real issue. It's not the extra people. It's the inabilty to reach a compromise between you and his parents.

If your in-laws are making his decisions now, then where is that going to lead to. They need to respect and understand that's it's your wedding and not theirs. If they want to invite half the world, then they should at the very least be offering to help out with the cost. Even still, they should be asking you if they can invite people not telling you they are inviting people.

For our wedding we agreed that it was all aunts and uncles, no cousins other than ones we were very close to, and our friends. Most importantly, we 'agreed' on this stuff. No fighting, we talked about what we wanted, we both compromised and we met in the middle. We allowed the parents on each site to invite a few of their friends, but we were fairly strict with the numbers.

I mean who are these extra people? Friends of his parents? Do you even know them?

If you can't even talk about this stuff, imagine for a minute that you have a kid or two (if you don't already). A wedding is pretty small potatoes when you think about what may come after it.

I look back fondly on the times that all I had to worry about was a wedding

littlebug

I agree that these extra people won't actually cost you much. in fact you would probably make a profit:D
There were about 50 of these “extra” people at our wedding (6 years ago tomorrow:D ) and my dad told me in advance he would give me £1000 (punts) to cover their food (not a very expensive venue). They were all from my side and I didn’t object. Nor did my husband object (bless him) despite the fact that he has very small family and his family have a very small social circle. It actually worked out very well in that these “extras” were the people who gave money as presents and more than paid for themselves (much more). The differences in my situation were that they only brought the numbers up to 180 or thereabouts. 400 sounds far far too big! My family were also fairly reasonable also in that one couple from a particular family were invited and the others got evening invites. They considered who they were closest to and who they would see most.
However I do think your fiancées family should at least “pledge” some money to help you out but I don’t think that’s something you can demand, especially if they haven’t got much. My dads contribution came through in 4 installments over the following 2 years but he made sure he gave it us.

I do think there needs to be some compromise or at least discussion but please don’t let it ruin your relationship. 2 kiddies later we wouldn't have it any other way:D

small

Hi Girl,

First thing I would say to you is take a deep breadth, have a cup of tea and a cigarette if that does it for you. Weddings are extremely stressful times for familys and couples. It sounds to me like this stress has reached fever ptich in your situation. When stress is involved people find it hard to see the wood from the trees. While I would agree that you and your fiancee need to get through this together, it is a test of what you're going to deal with, I wouldn't agree with the people who are telling you to run a mile. If he's a great enough guy for you to fall in love with and want to marry chances are that this isn't him acting as himself. Has he regularly been this unreasonably in the past? If the answer is no then it sounds to me like he feels under so much pressure that he can't see the wood from the trees, he feels trapped, and can't see the simple logical solution. He feels like if he says no to his parents the world will explode. I think everyone feels like this at times about anything from work to family to friends. Generally, I find, getting space helps. What about a night out where you two are not allowed talk about the wedding? Or a day where you two are doing something completely different that doesn't give you time to think or talk about the wedding? Something like that will remind you of the reasons you fell in love with each other, personally I would suggest doing a sky dive but that's just me. Once you've had this therapy you may be in a better position emotionally towards each other, to talk, not fight, or argue.

One thing I would say, and it's merely an observation by a complete stranger, you seem to be jumping on all negative comments given to you and holding to them. This could very probably be because you're angry and frustrated at the moment. If it's not, just make sure you're not looking for an excuse to call off the wedding because of other reasons.

I REALLY hope it works out for you.

And I would steer clear of approaching his mom. This is a relationship between you and him, just like it should be a wedding of you and him.

LegacyUser

'A wedding a big day not just for you but both sets of parents.
It's probably one of the biggest days in a parents life, rightly or wrongly.

I say sit down and discuss it with him, if your only concern is financial, I'm sure both he and his parents would be willing to negotiate on this point.

If the issue is having guests you don't know etc. I'd ask yourself the question 'will having these strnagers at your wedding impact negatively upon your day'. If the answer is yes, then you have a problem.

It personally wouldn't affect me too negatively and if it brought great satisfaction to my parents I'd go with it. That's me, maybe that's your boyfriend. It looks like it isn't you.'

Goldfinger

Just for another male perspective:
From what you're telling us he appears to be acting very unreasonably.
I would certainly try to sort it out with him rather than go to his mother though, as he may see this as going behind his back and I doubt it would help matters. Unfortunately, IMO the little things like this are a good indication of possible problems in the future. It needs to be sorted.

But the main point I have is that I genuinely can't understand how anyone could think inviting something like 400 people to a wedding isn't being ridiculously outlandish?
For arguments sake I did a quick count in my head and I reckon I'd be happy with about 20 guests for my side, friends and family, and maybe 30 or so others for the afters.
Throw in the same for my fiancée, and you've got 40 or 50 guests, tops, for the ceremony.
I'm not a cheap person, the money wouldn't be motivation for keeping numbers down or anything, I just cannot fathom why anyone would consider so many necessary. Who are you inviting, the postman and his family?

Manic Moran

If it's going to add 5,500 to the cost, have him fork out the 5,500. He can get it from his parents, if they want to invite all and sundry.

I've found that totally sharing all expenses evenly isn't necessarily the best idea for a partnership. You are still two individual people.

NTM

the_syco

If his mammy and daddy wants their entire family to come along, say "if your entire family comes, so does mine: all 400 of them".

Tar.Aldarion

They can foot the bill so raven?
If he won't compromise with you, or even discuss it I would think it is time to reconsider marriage.

Catari Jaguar

Just wait til his parents start telling you how to raise your kids when they come along. Get out now.

sweet-rasmus

it's gonna be your day, and his day, as well as the rest of your lives. you should make sure it's exactly what you both want. if anything you should talk to him about it as much as you can. if nothing is solved, just put off the big day. if he loves you and you love him, you'll both be able to work through it somehow.

Carrigart Exile

Lil Kitten wrote:

Just wait til his parents start telling you how to raise your kids when they come along. Get out now.

Its amazing how tough we all are with other people's relationships

craichoe

Tell him your not spending an extra 5 grand on people you've never even met, jesus h christ are people insane ! Save it for a house or some other investment to ensure your future.

I don't think disagreeing flat out NO is going to work, try and get it half way, maybe down to half, be willing to compromise but say NO WAY to this extra financial burden.

Married life is full of disagreements but if it wasn't people would get bored of each other and drift apart. Just because your having a fight now doesn't mean its not going to work out

OTK

A wedding is the bride's special day and all her wishes should be acceded to within financial reason. Your average little girl is brought up on dreams of her wedding day. Your average little boy doesn't think much about until a week beforehand. The mother in law can get used to the idea that she is no longer the primadonna in the son's life. She's had her wedding already.

Of course it's an important day for the man but I don't remember reading groom magazine for months beforehand. I would see a man's excessive interest in the details of the wedding as a good indication he is playing for the other team or else a selfish prick. I would gently suggest to him that he is either a mummy's boy and not man enough to get married or perhaps more interested in the fellas or else get him a David Gest calendar.

Carrigart Exile

OTK wrote:

A wedding is the bride's special day and all her wishes should be acceded to within financial reason. Your average little girl is brought up on dreams of her wedding day. Your average little boy doesn't think much about until a week beforehand. The mother in law can get used to the idea that she is no longer the primadonna in the son's life. She's had her wedding already.

Of course it's an important day for the man but I don't remember reading groom magazine for months beforehand. I would see a man's excessive interest in the details of the wedding as a good indication he is playing for the other team or else a selfish prick. I would gently suggest to him that he is either a mummy's boy and not man enough to get married or perhaps more interested in the fellas or else get him a David Gest calendar.

What a load of sexist and homophobic nonsense, congratulations you have managed to insult veryone

Gordon

Carrigart Exile wrote:

What a load of sexist and homophobic nonsense, congratulations you have managed to insult veryone

If that's his opinion and advice then he's entitled to it.

py2006

Gordon wrote:

If that's his opinion and advice then he's entitled to it.

It was a bit OTT though you must admit!

Has the original poster talked to the boyfriend about this yet?

r3nu4l

Hey Ravenhead, hope you find a way around this. It can be worth discussing it rationally, at a time when you aren't even talking wedding, perhaps over saturday lunch.

Anyway, once you have it sorted I thin kyou need to tell him that yes his parents are important to him as they should be but that marriage is about starting a new family unit. Did his folks always do what their parents wanted?

My gf's family had serious problems growing up because of a grandparent with good intentions sticking their oar in on all major life decisions. I would suggest that your bf needs to understand that this new family unit you are creating together in marriage is the number one consideration.

Have you done a pre-marriage course yet? It's not all about God and sanctity of marriage etc., a good course will cover finance management etc., as well as asking you to consider how your actions impact on your partner...in other words highlights that marriage creates a new core family of which the couple are the nucleus not the couples parents.

Try not to get annoyed and angry at him, just explain carefully how you feel, ask him how he feels about what you've said. See does he understand where you are coming from. Go for it from there and good luck.

secret_squirrel

Just one warning of going down the asking his parents to pay for the extra's route.

There's a danger of feeling obligated to agree to more of their silly demands if they have some financial investment in the wedding.

Stick to your guns girl.

Mrs_Doyle

I have already had fall outs with my parents regarding my wedding, and I am not even engaged! Honestly!
A cousin got married during the summer, and afterward I started to talk about the things I would do differently, on my own wedding day. It was all hypothetical, but actually led to a row about 'whats expected of you by the family".
Jesus, you would swear we were the mafia or something. My mam kept insisting that all sorts of cousins and great Aunts would have to be invited.

Another cousin of mine is to marry in May of next year, and I am going to be bridesmaid.

Every single time they book or organise anything my Mam says things like, "on your wedding do we'll do X,Y and Z', or "for your wedding day we'll have such and such organised".

I keep telling her that on MY wedding day I will have exactly what I want, and what my future hubbie wants, and although I will ask her opinion on certain aspects of the wedding, I will NOT be giving her free reign to organise the entire event to her liking.

ravenhead

Just an update on this one, Well we had it out & he still wasn't comprimising so I called off the wedding. But before I got to cancel anything he called in to see me & we had a good talk & basically by him trying to keep his parents happy he didn't even realise that he was making me unhappy. So I've gave him the benefit of what he was saying as he said that he'd talk to his family, That was nearly 2 weeks go and ... you guessed it, NOTHING HAS CHANGED! I don't think he has even said it to them.!

justsomebloke

sorry to hear about that ravenhead, so where do you stand now. are you going to cancel it again or are you going to have it out again.
It seems that you are now seeing a side to the man you love that you haven't seen before but a side that is there and will be there for the rest of your life's if you can't comproise over this. If he won't comprosie on this now chances are there are going to many other things down the line that he won't compromise on and this will probably end up with you feeling a lot of anger and resentment towards him, which isn't the foundations of a happy ever after. The worst thing of all is that he seems to have lied to you about his intents just to make you think he would change, and this to me is now the a sign of somebody who is putting you first. So it seems that if things go on as is now you are always goign to be second fiddle to his parents:(

Tar.Aldarion

Not very surprising. Stick to calling it off imo.

ravenhead

I don't know what to do, I asked him about it a couple of nights ago & he promised that he was going to do it but that he just needed to pick the right time, but how long am I supposed to wait

Marksie

ravenhead wrote:

I don't know what to do, I asked him about it a couple of nights ago & he promised that he was going to do it but that he just needed to pick the right time, but how long am I supposed to wait

Pick the right time= not until you force me

dellas1979

HHhhhmmm.
Raven I dont think he is taking you seriously. I would talk to him again, this evening. Is all this putting you off him? Is it giving you more doubts about the wedding?

Beruthiel

marksuttonie wrote:

Pick the right time= not until you force me

Yup.
He's playing silly beggers and is either expecting you to forget about it or eventually come around to their way of thinking.
You've given him two weeks to sort it, plenty of time to pick up the phone and tell them straight. So now it's up to you to go through on your word in order to be taken seriously. Because right now, he does not appear to be taking you seriously.

ravenhead

Beruthiel wrote:

Yup.
He's playing silly beggers and is either expecting you to forget about it or eventually come around to their way of thinking.
You've given him two weeks to sort it, plenty of time to pick up the phone and tell them straight. So now it's up to you to go through on your word in order to be taken seriously. Because right now, he does not appear to be taking you seriously.

I think your right, but to be honest the thoughts of another fight is killing me:o