Thinking of calling off wedding

ravenhead

I really needs some advise. I'm thinking about calling off my wedding.It all started over numbers but that arguement has opened a whole can of worms that I don't know if we can get through it Basically I've been told that he has obligations to his parents and thats it, what they want they will get. Even though this means adding about 90 plus people to our numbers & increasing the cost by about 5,500!! We had a huge fight over it & he really doesnt care about my feelings he isn't going to speak to his parents about it. I really don't know what to do.It's not the best way to be starting married life if he is going to put his parents in front of me. I'm thinking of saying it to them myself, I'm so unhappy, my wedding is going to be nothing like what I thought it was going to be, the man I'm supposed to be marrying cares more about keeping his mother & father happy than me, and it's breaking my heart!

Ruu_Old

He needs to put his priorities straight. It happened in my wedding that my mam in law wanted to invite a whole bunch of people from her family from all over the place, people that I never knew existed, nor did my wife. I just told her we wanted it small, simple and just immediate family, end of story. Call a meeting between your man and your future in-laws, sort it and do not go away with anything on your mind. You are correct, its not a good way to start off things at all. Now in the wedding some parties are going to be inconvienced but work together on it.

onemanband

ravenhead wrote:

I really needs some advise. I'm thinking about calling off my wedding.It all started over numbers but that arguement has opened a whole can of worms that I don't know if we can get through it Basically I've been told that he has obligations to his parents and thats it, what they want they will get. Even though this means adding about 90 plus people to our numbers & increasing the cost by about 5,500!! We had a huge fight over it & he really doesnt care about my feelings he isn't going to speak to his parents about it. I really don't know what to do.It's not the best way to be starting married life if he is going to put his parents in front of me. I'm thinking of saying it to them myself, I'm so unhappy, my wedding is going to be nothing like what I thought it was going to be, the man I'm supposed to be marrying cares more about keeping his mother & father happy than me, and it's breaking my heart!

This issue is an excellent Litmus test for what you are going to face throughout your marriage. This is difficult one and if you cannot both compromise and get through this then you should not get married IMO.

From what I can see you seem unwilling to compromise. You think that by adding 90 people to your wedding it going to make it "nothing like what I thought it would be". This can hardly be the case. Maybe it makes if different to what you have dreamed of and maybe hard to take but if you cannot compromise on this then you have a problem. How would you expect to compromise on more important issues such as children.

On his side he is unwilling to take your feelings into consideration, is not listening to your opinion and is acting like a bit of a bully. This is also totally unacceptable on his behalf.

My suggestion is to take the moral highground and say you would be prepared to compromise and add 50/60 more people. This is very fair on your part and his parents should be happy with this. If he refuses to accept this, discuss the matter with his parents etc then you should call things off. This may sound drastic but there will be times in your marriage where your husband will have to support you whether he agrees with you or not. If he does not back you now on this compromise plan then he will not in the future.

secret_squirrel

I think you need to sit down and chat with your man about this.

Maybe when you both arent doing wedding planning and are calmer about the whole thing.

See if you can work though this. If not you're probably right not to get married.

Having said that Im sure what you are experiencing is quiet common. You might actually get a better response to this from the Weddings forum.

Are his parents contributing to the cost? If so you can see why he feels they need a say.

You need to remember that the wedding belongs both to you and your man although a lot of people would say the wedding is mainly about the bride.

Stop and think for a min. Is he making any compromises to please your parents??

It strikes me that this is one of those situations where there can be 2 completely different sides to the story.

ravenhead

Ok I should have said more about this, when we had the arguement the first thing I said to him was ok, meet me half way, tell them that some of the people are going to have to be afters invites and that about 45/50 would be ok. He just said a flat 'NO'! It's like he is afraid to say anything to his parents. He won't budge on it at all. I told him that we could speak to them together & he was having none of it. When we first got engaged we had agreed on what we both wanted & now this has happened & he just wont talk about it. He just stops talking or gets moody anytime I talk about the wedding & just says 'Oh don't start'.. I really don't know what to do

professore

ravenhead wrote:

Ok I should have said more about this, when we had the arguement the first thing I said to him was ok, meet me half way, tell them that some of the people are going to have to be afters invites and that about 45/50 would be ok. He just said a flat 'NO'! It's like he is afraid to say anything to his parents. He won't budge on it at all. I told him that we could speak to them together & he was having none of it. When we first got engaged we had agreed on what we both wanted & now this has happened & he just wont talk about it. He just stops talking or gets moody anytime I talk about the wedding & just says 'Oh don't start'.. I really don't know what to do

Run like the wind.

Ruu_Old

ravenhead wrote:

Ok I should have said more about this, when we had the arguement the first thing I said to him was ok, meet me half way, tell them that some of the people are going to have to be afters invites and that about 45/50 would be ok. He just said a flat 'NO'! It's like he is afraid to say anything to his parents. He won't budge on it at all. I told him that we could speak to them together & he was having none of it. When we first got engaged we had agreed on what we both wanted & now this has happened & he just wont talk about it. He just stops talking or gets moody anytime I talk about the wedding & just says 'Oh don't start'.. I really don't know what to do

Ultimatum time I think. "This is our wedding, our day, not me, you and your mammy and daddy!" Yes they can share your happiness but not ruin it with this rubbish.

ravenhead

professore wrote:

Run like the wind.

It's that much of a no hoper so????:(

ravenhead

Ruu wrote:

Ultimatum time I think. "This is our wedding, our day, not me, you and your mammy and daddy!" Yes they can share your happiness but not ruin it with this rubbish.

I've been thinking about just calling out to his house & speaking to his parents myself. I don't know if that will make things better or worse but I can't keep going on like this. It was supposed to be a celebration for the two of us after all we went through over the last couple of months but thats being taken away from us & he's just not willing to say anything, it would be something if they were paying for the wedding but they're not.

_Kaiser_

Ultimately it's (or it SHOULD be) about what you (you and him) want.. his parents shouldn't be coming into it at all.

onemanband wrote:

This issue is an excellent Litmus test for what you are going to face throughout your marriage.

Agree with this. It IS a test. It's a test of who's most important to him - you or his parents. What he SHOULD be doing is telling his parents that you (both) are doing things the way you want, not to keep the extended family/friends/neighbours happy. If you don't deal with this now, you'll be putting up with interfering inlaws for the rest of your life together. What happens for example when/if you have kids and his mother decides you're not doing a good enough job for her grandchild? Will you put up with her telling you how to raise your own child and him siding with her over you?

if you cannot both compromise and get through this then you should not get married IMO.

Exactly.. that's the bottom line I'm afraid.

secret_squirrel

ravenhead wrote:

, it would be something if they were paying for the wedding but they're not.

Then its really nothing to do with them who you invite its your wedding you have just go to convince the BF of that.

If he's not prepared to take your side on something as ultimately trivial (in the big scheme of things) as this, then he's hardly going to be there for during the trials and tribulations of married life.

If you can't even agree (or compromise) on the size of the wedding you want - what hope is there?

Im afraid to say you may as well call a halt to proceedings until this is sorted out.

He needs to realise your family unit consists of you two first and foremost, not his parents.

Just try to call a halt calmly and logically, using the arguements most of the posters on here have made. Don't make it look like a temper tantrum because you arent getting your way.

ravenhead

Kaiser2000 wrote:

Ultimately it's (or it SHOULD be) about what you (you and him) want.. his parents shouldn't be coming into it at all.



Agree with this. It IS a test. It's a test of who's most important to him - you or his parents. What he SHOULD be doing is telling his parents that you (both) are doing things the way you want, not to keep the extended family/friends/neighbours happy. If you don't deal with this now, you'll be putting up with interfering inlaws for the rest of your life together. What happens for example when/if you have kids and his mother decides you're not doing a good enough job for her grandchild? Will you put up with her telling you how to raise your own child and him siding with her over you?


Exactly.. that's the bottom line I'm afraid.

See this is the thing, His parents NEVER gave me the impression that they were like that. I mean when we first got engaged his mother said that she hoped that we would go off and get married aboard & not go to the expense of having a huge wedding, she knows how big my family is & if we were to invite people the way that their list has come back then instead of the wedding being about 200 to the full it would be 400plus. I'm starting to think that maybe it's my bf himself that's come up with this???

_Kaiser_

ravenhead wrote:

See this is the thing, His parents NEVER gave me the impression that they were like that. I mean when we first got engaged his mother said that she hoped that we would go off and get married aboard & not go to the expense of having a huge wedding, she knows how big my family is & if we were to invite people the way that their list has come back then instead of the wedding being about 200 to the full it would be 400plus. I'm starting to think that maybe it's my bf himself that's come up with this???

I doubt it.. he probably IS getting pressure from the parents and it's probably something he's been getting for years and has just given in to to keep them quiet.

Of course the difference now is YOU should come first to him, regardless of whether they or anyone else "approves" of your choices. Even if however he IS in fact using them as an excuse here, the end result is the same - he's not ready to commit to you in the way he should be (IMHO).

Of course whether this is just nerves as the day gets closer, or a more fundamental problem between you is what needs to be looked at.

gandalf

TBH I would avoid going to his parents, you really need to sit down and sort this out between you. If you have already agreed to compromise and he hasn't even considered this then he is being pigheaded. You're right your wedding day is your day (as a couple) not his parents and tbh he should consider your feelings more than his parents.

Personally I would go abroad and have that small close personal wedding and then hire a function room out when you get back and have a do for as many as the parents want. This depends on how close the wedding day is of course.

Black Swan

You two need to get by yourselves and have a serious talk (and sort this out).

Carrigart Exile

ravenhead wrote:

I really needs some advise. I'm thinking about calling off my wedding.It all started over numbers but that arguement has opened a whole can of worms that I don't know if we can get through it Basically I've been told that he has obligations to his parents and thats it, what they want they will get. Even though this means adding about 90 plus people to our numbers & increasing the cost by about 5,500!! We had a huge fight over it & he really doesnt care about my feelings he isn't going to speak to his parents about it. I really don't know what to do.It's not the best way to be starting married life if he is going to put his parents in front of me. I'm thinking of saying it to them myself, I'm so unhappy, my wedding is going to be nothing like what I thought it was going to be, the man I'm supposed to be marrying cares more about keeping his mother & father happy than me, and it's breaking my heart!

How many people from your side of the family would be coming? If the list is at 200 and so far its all your family, then him wishing to bring 90 is hardly the problem, its your list that is the problem.

ravenhead

Carrigart Exile wrote:

How many people from your side of the family would be coming? If the list is at 200 and so far its all your family, then him wishing to bring 90 is hardly the problem, its your list that is the problem.

I never said that it was my side, I only had 70 people on the list. he then came back with another 180 people in total that they want to ask from their side! I'm not being unreasonable here, I mean at the beginning we said that we'd have 150, then as time went on we said maybe up to 200 but that would be it, and he said he was in agreemnet with me. Now this has happened, my bf doesnt even know half of the people, it's a case of his mother & father were asked to this persons wedding so they want to invite them to ours but it's not just the couple, it's their WHOLE family. One of the family has 5 members plus partners that we haven't even met!

Carrigart Exile

ravenhead wrote:

I never said that it was my side, I only had 70 people on the list. he then came back with another 180 people in total that they want to ask from their side! I'm not being unreasonable here, I mean at the beginning we said that we'd have 150, then as time went on we said maybe up to 200 but that would be it, and he said he was in agreemnet with me. Now this has happened, my bf doesnt even know half of the people, it's a case of his mother & father were asked to this persons wedding so they want to invite them to ours but it's not just the couple, it's their WHOLE family. One of the family has 5 members plus partners that we haven't even met!

Sorry ravenhead and fair play to you, that is a nonsense. Can you argue the financial line, we have a budget that we must stick to, and we cannot afford to accommodate any other people. That puts the onus back on his parents, if they are so desperate to bring these people they can put their hands in their pockets.

Don't be too hard on BF, he has probably never had to stand up to his parents before once he is a married man to a wonderful lady like you I am sure he will find out where his priorities lie.

CathyMoran

Argh, you poor pet - sit him down and say that you are not happy with the situation. I know better than most that weddings are a source of major stress but he is being bowed over by his parents. You have to compromise somehow. If his parents want all those people there then they will have to pay for them but it does seem that the wedding is getting far too impersonal now, you will not get to meet half the people on the day after all that. Sit him down and discuss the fact that it is your day as in his and your day only and explaiin your situation, he has to listen.

We are managing by miracles of miracles to have a max of 14 at ours which will be happening in 5 weeks time (to this day)...I can't wait:D

Saint_Mel

Well,
you could try and book a reception venue which will only
cater for 200 people, and then invite the rest to the afters.

Or, alternatively you could go away somewhere to get married,
combining it with the honeymoon. Then when you get back home
ye could hold a big party with buffet food etc and invite whoever.
It would cut down on costs plus it wouldn't put peoples noses out
of joint if everyone gets the same kind of invite.

Weddings seem to be more about the couples parents
"keeping up with the Jones" than about the couple themselves!

Magic Pips

TBH, he sounds like a twat- certainly from the information you have given us anyway.

You need to sit down and talk to him, because beyond that we can't give you the right advise with only knowing snip-bits of information...

Perhaps its time to sit down with him and tell him you have thought about calling the wedding off...?

gonker

The two of you need to talk to his parents about this. If he is stopping you talking to his parents well I think he is hiding something.
How about you meeting with his mother for lunch or something one day ask for her help in picking out your shoes or something silly. Then just drop into the conversation about budgets and numbers and stuff. See if she says anything.

My mam (rip) had a huge family 14 brothers and sisters and it would not have been possible to invite them all, so we said if we had seen them socially in the past year we would invite them. That cut out a lot. My mam and dad wanted to invite a few people (and by a few I mean 4) that I hadnt planned on asking and they paid for their meals even though I said 4 wouldnt have made a difference (we paid for the wedding ourselves).

I agree with the previous posters who said if you cant be united on this well maybe you should think long and hard about it. I dont know if you are religious or not but maybe the pre marriage course thing might help you. I know if worked for us and one couple actually called of their wedding during it as they found they wanted totally different things.
What ever happens good luck.

king_of_inismac

First of all, take a deep breath and relax....

My first piece of advice is "never make any serious decisions while stressed or upset"

Give yourself some time to relax and calm down.

This is the man who wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you. Just say (in a non-aggressive way) that you need to have a talk about the wedding.

Then tell him exactly how you feel about the weddding, and also more importantly how his reaction is making you feel.

Then wait for his response. I guarantee, given time and space he'll try to compromise with you, so both of you will be happy. He loves you!

Hope it all works out,

Martin

Beruthiel

First off, do not go over his head to the parents, that's no way to carry on with the man you are supposed to be able to communicate with.
Sit him down and try to have a calm discussion, offer to go talk to his parents together.
Sounds to me like it's already an expensive wedding if you are inviting nearly 200 people! Having a large debt hanging over you heads is no way to start married life. I truly don't understand why anyone would go for such a big do.

This is meant to be the happiest day of your lives, you should be doing it exactly as you wish and everyone else be damned.

As someone else said, if the both of you cannot come to a decision on this, then you have to ask why you are marrying him.
There will be many times in your lives when big decisions will have to be made, you both need to learn how to discuss and agree on things, this is basic stuff in any relationship.

is_that_so

When my brother got married they sat down and made a list. Like you they were paying. When they added both sides up they came to nearly 400 people which was a non-runner. So they laid down some simple rules to reduce the numbers.

-Immediate family -aunts, uncles and absolute obligations - but no cousins
-Friends - Ones they really wanted to be there and any family who were more friends ( cousins etc.).

In the end they got it down to 130 and invited over 200 to the afters.

Even in a very large family grouping like mine people DO understand the expense of a wedding. Some noses may be put out of joint but it's your day and not theirs.

Phenobarbidoll

I'm currently going through the guest list blues as well. It's utter pants. The only arguement we've had in our entire relationship so far has been over the sodding list. We were vaguely sensible in booking our venue though, and it only holds a limited number. I didn't want a big wedding, but my parents would be quite happy to have everyone ever there.

If you're paying for it, then only you have a say in who gets to go at the end of the day. If your venue will hold 1500 people or some other crazy number, tell him that his parents can have the extra people, but you need the 5.5k in full in advance of the day from them. There's no point going into massive debt for one day, or spending what could be a house deposit - there really isn't.

Do out a budget for the reception, the numbers the venue can take, and a full guest list including "and guest" numbers. Meet the inlaws for coffee with him, and go through things. Have both sets of parents there if you need backup. He's being a wagon, and needs to be shown the light.

aidan24326

Your boyfriend is being a bit of a d1ck in all this. He ought to be able to stand up to mammy at this stage in life, and make it clear to his parents (the mother especially as they're nearly always the main culprits) that they are not allowed to dictate matters where the guest list is concerned, unless of course they feel like contributing a few grand extra to the coffers. Otherwise they need to shut up.

You need to be firm with the bf that only he and you are to have a say in who gets invited, end of story. Tell him how much this is bothering you and spoiling what should be a really happy time and if he is still not prepared to compromise and put your feelings first then he is a tosser and you'd be wise to reconsider the whole thing. Ask him does he really want a massive wedding full of dozens of people you've never met and couldn't care less about? And that's going to cost a bloody fortune? I can't see how anyone would.

If the list is running to 400 then it's obvious that there's a good few names on that list who are surplus to requirements, and probably wouldn't be overly bothered whether they're invited or not. There's always the evening invitations anyway, the extra names can go on that list without adding any significant expense.

Gordon

Some great advice here, I was wanting to say something that hadn't been covered but Phenobarbidoll said it; if they want extra people then they can foot the bill. And if your fiancee won't budge still then I'd seriously consider not getting married.

A point that I don't think has been covered Ravenhead: Do you think that he may be having second thoughts and is using this as the wedge to drive you off? Maybe his parents would rather the marriage didn't happen and are sticking their oars in to drive you apart? Just a thought.

LegacyUser

I remember my mom talkin about having a serious argument with my dad about the guests of their wedding. My dad was acting like a dickhead, my mom said it was the first time he'd acted that way. That was about 22 years ago and they are still happily married and had me and my 2 bros and one sis. So I dont know what the pressures are like but remember I wouldnt be here if they didnt sort it out. However only you can know if your happy getting into this, goodluck.

Belle_Morte

Kaiser2000 wrote:

If you don't deal with this now, you'll be putting up with interfering inlaws for the rest of your life together. What happens for example when/if you have kids and his mother decides you're not doing a good enough job for her grandchild? Will you put up with her telling you how to raise your own child and him siding with her over you?

This is very much worth considering and could potentially make disagreements over wedding lists look like a picnic.

Married partners should put each other first; that isn't to say that neither of you cares less about anyone else, but you pledge yourselves to one another for a reason. It can't be easy on your fiance if he feels he's being pulled in different directions by the people he cares for, but now would be the time to decide where his loyalties lie: with his parents or with the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

brillo

I know a guy who told his wife that his mother was the most important person in his life before they got married. The marriage lasted all of 14 months