One of those days....

chamlis

Well, I've just been released from a hostage situation. That sounds very dramatic, but let me explain.....

I was leaving my place of work at 3.45 to catch my lift down town. A bit of the way down the road at a group of shops my friend's boyfriend pulls up in his car. He motions to get in so I do. He's a bit of a b*ll*x but we have a good rapore, considering her mother has the two of us married off in her mind. He turns away from the direction I was walking. I say that I have to catch a lift that way, but he says he has some questions to ask me.
"What were you doing with my girlfriend downstairs that night you stayed over?"
I honestly didn't know what he was talking about. (Just to clarify, this is a big burly dangerous man with a past. He is very possessive and paranoid to the point of schizophrenia. There have been many incidents in the past that she, of course, confided in me.)

For a minute, I figured she was after mentioning my name to cover her tracks, not because she was upto no good, but because she knew how paranoid he was.

"Admit it now, no funny business or I swear I will hurt you."
"I honestly don't know what you're talking about :eek: "

We were driving out to the country at this stage. I seriously started to panick. Then I realised what he was on about. I did stay over one night after a night out months ago. He went to bed pretty much as soon as we got in. Myself and herself were still in the sitting room chatting (pissed). Messing, I drunkenly asked her if she'd flash me. Honestly, if I thought she'd actually do it, I wouldn't have asked. It was messing and she knew that. We even laughed about it the next day. (Again, just to clarify, we have done things and fooled around in the past. But that was the past and we're mates. I'd consider her one of my best friends. She's like my sister for christsake. Well, the step-sister who gives you the horn )

I said all this to him but he wouldn't listen. We pulled up to a clearing at the side of the road down a laneway. He told me to take my clothes off and get out. If I did, I wouldn't get a battering. So I did. He let me keep my jocks.
"I want to teach you a lesson, not get done for indecent exposure. Oh, and if you're thinking of going to the Gardai about this, you'll be dead before anyone hears about it."
He sped off. I surveyed my surroundings and spotted a house. I went to the house but the woman wouldn't let me in cos she had kids. Told me to go the her father-in-law's up the road. So I did. They said they couldn't do anything for me either. Wouldn't even give me a jacket. So I went back the way I came. When I walked up the road a bit, I saw the car. As I got closer he started throwing my clothes out the window.

"If you ever come near me or her again, I will kill you."

I believe him.

uberpixie

Go to the police.

Get it on record.
(just in case it hits the fan in the future and you get attacked)

After that it is up to you if you want to press charges or not.

You prob won't want to press charges because of your mate which is fair enough: you do have to work with the girl.

The only question is do you really value your friends friendship enough to put up with getting your head kicked in by her nut job of a fella?

You may have to cut out seeing her after work :-/

Ickle Magoo

Crikey!! Glad nothing was hurt other than your pride.....

Does your friend still want to go out with this guy? He sounds like a complete loony!! :eek: Stay well away from the pair of them if she does.....

chamlis

I don't actually work with her. We've known each other for years. I've been through all her past nutjob boyfriends. When it ends, I'm always there to rely on etc. I'm kindof waiting for her to contact me in some way. He goes through her phone looking at messages. I know he went through mine. She'll have to find another way. And it's possible she doesn't even know about this. He took my picture too with his camera phone.

chump

chamlis wrote:

I've been through all her past nutjob boyfriends. When it ends, I'm always there to rely on etc.

Why some people continue to make the same mistakes I don't know... is she defective?

secret_squirrel

Report him.

It will teach him a lesson and give her a wake up call.

Jesus, report him, NOW.
That kind of behaviour should not be let go by any means.
He's a complete nutcase. I don't understand why she's going out with him but there you go.

Even if nothing happens from the report, they'll have it on record. You never know, she might need to report him in future etc.

tk123

Report him - he sounds like a nutjob - imagine what he could do to your friend!

secret_squirrel

bluewolf wrote:

You never know, she might need to report him in future etc.

Good point. OP what if the next person he does something loopy to is your friend?

chamlis

You don't understand. He knows where I live.

As far as he is concerned, he invited me into his house, let me stay, and in return I propositioned his girlfriend. If he gets wind of me going to the police I'm done for.

He also has dirt on me. Something alot of people in Limerick would like to know.

chamlis

chamlis wrote:

You don't understand. He knows where I live.

As far as he is concerned, he invited me into his house, let me stay, and in return I propositioned his girlfriend. If he gets wind of me going to the police I'm done for.

He also has dirt on me. Something alot of people in Limerick would like to know.

Burglars know where I live. I'd still report them.

He knows where she lives.
Fine, judge the risks, but consider her for goodness' sakes.

chamlis

They live together. There was one incident last year where he thought she was cheating on him. He threw her out of the house. Dumped all her stuff down the steps. Of course, I came to the rescue. Had a good long chat. She saw the obvious error in her judgement.

Then they got back together. I'm baffled. I mean, she's a little firecracker. Takes no sh!t from no one. But he must have her wrapped around his finger. He's about twice her age too btw....

Ask her what she sees in him then.
Obviously I'm not advocating going around breaking people up but just find out, I suppose.

I read elsewhere about someone who says people can undermine your confidence quite subtly and before you know it, you'll take anything from them and stay with them, and start convincing yourself it's all your fault.

I presume she's not at the "but I make him so mad sometimes, he's not like that really" stage?

chamlis

I haven't seen or heard from her in about a week and a half. He checks her phone so I won't be ringing or texting. If she even knows about this she'll try to contact me some other way. Maybe tomorrow when she's at work.

Burglars aren't personal either. This is.

Beruthiel

report him asap.
tell them everything he said, if they need proof, tell them to go ask the people who answered the door to you.
Your friend is mad to be with a loon like that, but as bluewolf said, when little things happen over a period of time, it does not seem as obvious as it does to a person on the outside. She will be in serious trouble if she doesn't get away from him, her confidence and self esteem will be the first to go and lord knows what else if he can do something like this to you...

monkeyfudge

You really should probably think about standing up for yourself a bit more in future... now I'm no tough guy or anything... but there is no way I'd allow anyone to treat me in that manner.

Hermione*

I'd go to the guards. For both her sake and yours. At least get it on record.

I don't really see what other option there is. Your friend is living with this nutball.

Beruthiel

indeed
he's a bully, if he had put a hand on you, you'd have had proof, that's not something he would risk in this instance. I'm guessing of course...

GAAman

Go to the cops they cant say anythin. If you are worried bout bein spotted go to a diff station and get them to send the stuff to the local station (they will do this i know someone who did it) Get it on record.

Though it sounds (imo) like there is somethin there for your friend you should first concentrate on whether or not she is in danger from this guy not only now but further down the line. This sounds like a very serious eventuality if it goes unchecked

chamlis

Beruthiel wrote:

indeed
he's a bully, if he had put a hand on you, you'd have had proof, that's not something he would risk in this instance. I'm guessing of course...

No you're right. He's no stranger to this sort of thing, and wouldn't risk leaving evidence on my face. Believe me, there are other ways to physically hurt people without leaving any evidence. I know.

As for standing up for myself, well......I'm like 5'4 and he's a BIG man. I couldn't fight my way out of a wet paper bag normally. No point joining Karate or whatever people will suggest. I've no interest and combat just isn't in me.

The Sweeper

You do have evidence. You have two houses full of people who wouldn't let you in when you wandered up in your jocks.

As long as you don't have a history of exposing yourself in public, that should be proof enough.

takola

So what are you going to do? Let it go and wait to see when he's gonna do it again?

chamlis

Dunno.
Kinda why I posted. I thought people would understand why i cant go to the cops though

Beruthiel

no
I absolutely do not understand why you haven't gone to the cops, I would have went straight to the nearest station

takola

There's really no other advice to give i don't think.

If you can't go to the guards then i suggest you do as he says and stay away from his girlfriend and him. There isnt anything else you can do.

From the sounds of it, it would probably mean less trouble for her if you did too. I dont know how she's going to get out of that relationship. He's a nut job and tbh he doesnt sound like he'll just let her walk away.

chamlis

His objective was to humilliate me and "teach me a lesson".

My objective is damage control.

As for her, she's made her bed. That's how bitter I feel.

takola

You're right she has. What do you damage control. From the sounds of it he got what he wanted and it's over now?

chamlis

takola wrote:

You're right she has. What do you damage control. From the sounds of it he got what he wanted and it's over now?

Hopefully. There is the matter of the picture on his camera phone however....

Ruu_Old

Sorry you were humiliated like that and hope you have him reported soon.

Hail 2 Da Chimp

chamlis wrote:

Hopefully. There is the matter of the picture on his camera phone however....

If you're worried about him showing people the picture and taking the p!ss of you he prob already done it already...

you'd be making a big mistake if you dont report him and you'll regret it. if he thinks your just a push-over whats to stop him punching the crap out of you when he see's you out some night he's drunk? At least if you reported him he might think twice about it.

takola

Well tbh, the best thing you can do is get someone to take a pic of you in your boxers and send it to everyone. That way the novelty is gone for him and you can laugh about it and say it was (yet another) drunken prank!

chamlis

I can't believe she told him. That's the second time she mentioned something to him about me as a joke. She knows how f**King paranoid he is. What the f**k did she think he'd do, laugh it off?
She's got to be brainwashed or something. Lord knows I just can't trust her now.

chamlis

takola wrote:

Well tbh, the best thing you can do is get someone to take a pic of you in your boxers and send it to everyone. That way the novelty is gone for him and you can laugh about it and say it was (yet another) drunken prank!

I bet you'd like to be first on the list

takola

Nah, I dont get off on humiliating people!!!!

chamlis

takola wrote:

Nah, I dont get off on humiliating people!!!!

hehehe

You know, I'm actually starting to feel better after talking to you guys. And I'm really starting to see the funny side of this whole thing. It's hillarious. Well, when you take the threats to your life and physical violence away

secret_squirrel

Im puzzled. What does he have on you that makes it not worth going to the police?

And quite frankly I suggest you look at your relationship with this girl. It seems to me from your posts that you fancy her quite a bit. In which case already knowing he is a nutter you are asking for trouble - not that it justifies what he did.

As for the photo - he can only humiliate you if you act humliliated, the sending a photo of yourself around is not a bad idea.

takola

Well thats how i would deal with it. Laugh if off! (I would really go to the guards but seen as that seems to not be an option! )

I mean, everyone really wants to be taken to the countryside, stripped to their underwear and left to go ask some poor terrified woman for help only to be refused TWICE!!!!!!! ROFL

chamlis

secret_squirrel wrote:

Im puzzled. What does he have on you that makes it not worth going to the police?

Something which I am not going to discuss here.

And quite frankly I suggest you look at your relationship with this girl. It seems to me from your posts that you fancy her quite a bit. In which case already knowing he is a nutter you are asking for trouble - not that it justifies what he did.

Truth is I love her. Like I said, her Mother has us married off in her own mind. Naming the unborn grandchildren as we speak. But I realised that we are completely unsuited. And I'm sure she doesn't feel the same way. Besides, my love has grown into a deeply bonded friendship which she does share. We have never had sex but we have fooled around on many occasions (one was, in fact, her unintended 21st bday present to me = drunk) though not for at least 2 years, when she started going out with him. We decided we never would go so far as to have sex as that would be crossing the line and change things way to much, no matter how much you say it won't etc.

As for the photo - he can only humiliate you if you act humliliated, the sending a photo of yourself around is not a bad idea.

I'm gonna try to laugh it off I think. When you laugh, people laugh with you. When you frown they laugh at you.

LegacyUser

Laugh it off ????

SO ... what about the next time he tries to humiliate you ?
He obviously has no respect for you. Cross him again and
God knows what he'll do to you.

Maybe he goes a little further (rape you or beat you up) ?
Or maybe he is capable of doing these things to someone
else ...

I think you should at least ask the cops opinion (if nothing
else).

observer

i'd rather take a beating than let some fool think he can control people. how much dirt can he possibly have on you. to me its a simple choice cos he will give your "she like a sister" friend a smack some time.

is the dirt he has on you big enough for you to risk the welfare of your best friend?

in 10 years if he's in jail for GBH where some guy who was chatting to his girlfriend at the time tells him to piss off when he threatens him ends up in a wheel chair


stand up and be responsible enough to take actions aganist the scum that is destroy this country and in limerick in particular

and at worst head the head down for a few months later be careful where you go and who your with. don't be alone down a dark alley etc etc

REPORT THIS TOSSER!!!!

Gordon

NortSoide wrote:

Laugh it off ????

SO ... what about the next time he tries to humiliate you ?
He obviously has no respect for you. Cross him again and
God knows what he'll do to you.

Maybe he goes a little further (rape you or beat you up) ?
Or maybe he is capable of doing these things to someone
else ...

I think you should at least ask the cops opinion (if nothing
else).

NortSoide, is that the first ever post of yours that has passed the pre-modding? Congrats, I knew you had it in you!

chamlis

I've been keeping the head down since the dirt happened. I've left the city where it happened. There are people who would like to find me.

God this all sounds either mysterious or a load of BS. But it's true. There are places in this country I can never go again because they are places that I have fled from.

gerrycollins

chamlis wrote:

Hopefully. There is the matter of the picture on his camera phone however....

why dont you tell his mates that he took the pic of you after he came on to you or something like that

gerrycollins

chamlis wrote:

I've been keeping the head down since the dirt happened. I've left the city where it happened. There are people who would like to find me.

God this all sounds either mysterious or a load of BS. But it's true. There are places in this country I can never go again because they are places that I have fled from.

getting weird

head off to the USA keep the head down for a few YEARScome back all mean and tough and take care fo this guy

Or stand up for yourself, be a man not a wimp, and others around you report him

you might save a life!

Chucky the tree

chamlis wrote:

Dunno.
Kinda why I posted. I thought people would understand why i cant go to the cops though

I feel for ya. Its easy for people on the internet to stay "Oh you have to go to the polic etc". THere not in any danager, you are.

If you dont want to go to the police, then dont. My advice is too cut all ties with the fella and your "mate"

If she rings or texts you, just tell her you dont want to be her firned anymore.

Chinafoot

Have to agree with observer. You say that she's like your sister and that you love her yet then you say that she's made her bed.

If you love her you would do whatever you could to help protect her. I understand that when people are in a relationship like that it can be very hard for them to leave and no amount of advice from friends can change it. A friend of mine was in an abusive relationship for a very long time but he had completely destroyed any self-esteem she had and she felt she couldn't leave him. However, her friends had to be there for her because eventaully we knew that she'd see the light and get herself out, before it went too far. And we knew that she'd need our help to do it.

If this guy is as mental as you say then your friend is in a very dangerous situation. He humiliated you but what will he do to her?

Like bluewolf said, if you report him now the gardai will know about him and it'd make things easier should she need to report him in the future.

chamlis

I'm going to see about maybe going to the citizens advice beurau or something. The cop shop is next door so maybe I'll just go in and ask some hypothetical questions....

FranknFurter

If I were you I'd report it.
Going from everything you have said, as far as what is usually seen as "unpredictable behaviour" goes, his next "step" is violence.
Probably towards a female, and likely towards his partner (your friend).

You can move on from "moving away"
Would be very difficult for her (or anyone) to move on from being dead.

b

chamlis

He's never touched her. She def wouldn't stand for that. It's the emotional stuff that's dangerous here I think. Undermining confidence or whatever.

It's not my problem anymore. I have to look out for me now.

impr0v

chamlis wrote:

I'm going to see about maybe going to the citizens advice beurau or something. The cop shop is next door so maybe I'll just go in and ask some hypothetical questions....

If you're wondering about whether he could be done for anything, there's a strong case against him on assault, false imprisionment and for threats to kill or cause serious harm, contrary to sections 2, 5 and 15 of the non-fatal offences against the person act 1997.

Whether he'd do time for them or not is another question, all the offences carry a prision sentence for summary conviction; 12 months max for the last 2 and 6 for the assault. For a first time offence he might get off for a fine, but given that he committed three offences he might just get one depending on the judges mood. If he has priors he's almost certain to get a sentence.

chamlis

What if he doesn't? Then where am I?

Even if he did, he'd be out sometime.

Thanks for the info all the same.

EDIT: Make no mistake, this is a dangerous man we are talking about here. And he's not Irish.