i got this problem

Wolf

tbh wrote:

wolf - I agree that for me, this situation is black and white. Maybe I'm being harsh on the poster, but there it is. Imagine it was your sister he was married to? Or your mam?

Well, first off it's not my sister or mam. I know that may sound mean, but, I personally don't see the point in getting angry with the chap, instead, I reckon the best course is to try to clamly suggest or guide him to the right decision and the best way to go about it. People often don't llisten when they feel they are being attacked.

Just trying to point out that on boards everyone has different approaches and views and you have to learn not to take offence to easily, but, to instead learn to take what is said in context. Some are gental and some are rough, but, most of it is all good.

To add to that I myself have someone very close to me (don't want to go into too much detail just incase) and their husband is being a dick. Although, I know he doesn't even relalise it and I was worried that even though I can't say anything now that I would the one sitting with him when it all goes wrong and instead of saying your total gobsh!te what did you think would happen, I would try my best to console him and try to gently point out what he did wrong and try to show him how he might make it right.

Although, your approach would be prefect for the likes of me who needs to slapped in the face to see things alot of time. I reckon if I knew you in real life I would get on with you very well, as I like people with that approach to life. Different horses for differnet courses, or is it different courses for differnet horses? ( In joke )

tbh wrote:

I've no problem with people falling in and out of love - it happens. But this crap about "if she wants me to leave, I'll leave, and if not, I'll stay with my wife". Why should it be his choice? Why should he have his cake and eat it? (in-joke there) If he's willing to leave his wife, he should have the balls to tell her, and let her choose what she wants to do, instead of spending the rest of his life pretending that she is his first choice. Thats what I'm pissed about - the whole "falling in love with another woman" part is seperate.

But, yes, I think a clear seperation between how he feels for his wife and his feeling for this new girl are exactly what is needed. It might be fair to say that this new girl has highlighted something he may not of relasied before, but, even if that is the case the wife issue is the one that needs to be addressed independently and as a priority.

ps hehe cake

Fanny Cradock

Nemehotatse wrote:

@ fanny cradock, i never said i didn't feel remorse. i do every day the guilt i feel cuts me up inside. but i deal with it. and can i ask you a question, are you so in control of your life and surroundings that sometimes things don't take on a life of their own and spiral out of control? not once in your entire existence? well if so you must be an exceptional human and i take my hat off to you i really do. because at some point in your life something will come along that you cant control and then see if you will ever think that something just happen is a lame excuse. i don't mean to be rude or anything but sometime things happen and do go beyond your control. you stand at the edge of the flames and are either burned or tempered by them. you live with the decisions you have made and learn by the mistakes.

of course i'm not. anytime i have given into temptation, i.e. failed my own moral standards, it was MY choice. MY weakness and cowardice let a situation develop. I’d suggest that this is the same in your case.

if you wanted you could choose not to see this other woman.

if you were that mired in guilt you wouldn't be seeing her now.

actually, i don't think you have really acknowledged (in your posts) the hurt you will cause your wife when she finds out about this.

I bet in your minds eye you see yourself and this girl running hand in had through a golden field, laughing, kissing and blissfully happy. Of course neither of you will carry any baggage nor have any issues with trust. You’ll accept her child like your own and she you. There’ll be no recriminations form friends/family/work colleagues and even if there was you’re relationship is strong enough to weather any recriminations. And your wife will just disappear.

I realise myself and others have been harsh, but you have to realise that infidelity is a very emotive issue. The situation you have allowed yourself to fall into is madness - something has to give. why don’t you stop “seeing” this girl for a while, sort your head out and concentrate on the future of your marriage – whatever that may be. talk to your wife. talk to a professional.

good luck

Nemehotatse

Fanny Cradock wrote:

if you wanted you could choose not to see this other woman.

if you were that mired in guilt you wouldn't be seeing her now.

actually, i don't think you have really acknowledged (in your posts) the hurt you will cause your wife when she finds out about this.

I bet in your minds eye you see yourself and this girl running hand in had through a golden field, laughing, kissing and blissfully happy. Of course neither of you will carry any baggage nor have any issues with trust. You’ll accept her child like your own and she you. There’ll be no recriminations form friends/family/work colleagues and even if there was you’re relationship is strong enough to weather any recriminations. And your wife will just disappear.....

talk to a professional.

good luck

as i said i don't trust anyone who makes money off other peoples problems or troubles.

i don't see us runing off into the fields and so forth I am realistic i know exactly what we would face from family and friends. from work colleges and so forth. and to be honest those things don't bother me. i say me because i have no idea how she feels about that. i'm not that close to my family. hell only one of my brothers was at my wedding so if i lost contact i wouldn't loose much sleep. my mother doesn't like my wife too much so at the moment i see her (my mother) maybe once every two months. so again i wouldn't loose too much sleep.

yes there would be an issue with trust on her part, yes the question would always be in the back of her mind. but isn't that question in the back of everyones mind to some extent? do people not ask themselve that same question from time to tim, even just in the early stages of a relationship?

would i accept the child as my own. in a word yes. Why? well my outlook on that is anyone can be a sperm donor. your real father is the one that teaches you to ride a bike or play ball. is there for you when your heart is first broken and walks up the asile with you. not the guy that did what comes naturally for human kind (pardon the pun). so yes i could and yes i would except the child, that's the sort of guy i am. i'm not just saying that because of the situation, but because i have always felt that way. it's not the childs fault so why should it suffer.


and yes i have to agree that to some extent i did have control of the situation and yes could have broken contact except we work closley together so i see her for an extended period 5 days a week. so all contact can not be broked so easily. yes i could have possibly just walked away from the situation and kept it purly professional but sometimes its not that easy. i know people will say bull to that. but in my experience it isnt. maybe because i'm a weak person inside and cant resist temptation i don't know.

i have not mentioned my wife through all thsi mainly because i'm trying in my head not to. why? guilt most probably. through all of this i have tried not to think too much of her for that reason. maybe i should have and maybe i should start to do that now.

and i know that the grass isn't always greener, far from it and that is not why i get into this situation or for teh thrill or excitement. my feeling for this woman have slowley crept up on me. and i have tried to resist them and the temptation but i have yet to find the strength to resist

RainbowBrite

Nemehotatse wrote:

i have not mentioned my wife through all thsi mainly because i'm trying in my head not to. why? guilt most probably. through all of this i have tried not to think too much of her for that reason. maybe i should have and maybe i should start to do that now.

How many times do people have to tell you something before you'll allow it to register?????

The above is EXACTLY what you need to be thinking of.

It's only then, when you're completely clear on our feelings for your wife & future with your wife (with NO outside factors influencing) that you can make a true decision of what you need to do.

The other woman is just confusing you right now.

I don't care that, after taking time to think of your wife that you decide you don't want her.
That's fine. At least you've thought properly about your life with her (instead of avoiding it for fear of feeling guilty), & have decided she's not what you want.

This happens, but close one book before opening another.
That's the answer.

Sometimes you can't avoid hurting someone, but you can minimalise their pain.

Please don't cheat on your wife. Decide once & for all (without the other woman in your head, write the points down if you need to see them clear in black & white) if you want to live your life without her.
If so, tell her & move on.

If you can't live without her, then you have to forget the other woman.

You can't & won't be able to solve your turmoil until you fully investigate your feelings for your wife & the prospect of hurting her.

Beruthiel

Nemehotatse wrote:

i have not mentioned my wife through all thsi mainly because i'm trying in my head not to. why? guilt most probably. through all of this i have tried not to think too much of her for that reason. maybe i should have and maybe i should start to do that now.

I believe it would give us a greater insight into your situation if you did

i have tried to resist them and the temptation but i have yet to find the strength to resist

then would it be possible to take a few days off work and go off somewhere?
you need time to decide what your next course of action is and if you need to move jobs for this to happen, perhaps you should think about that too.


RainbowBrite
your sig is waaay too big and against boards rules, get rid of it please.
B

RainbowBrite

Awwww, & I liked that sig too,

Ah well, gone.

Fanny Cradock

well, i think it's about time to consider you wife. after all, she is unwittingly as much a part of this as either you are your new bit of stuff are.

i don't mean to keep on at you OP, but you must consider that fact that people in the office are suspicious and, as people love to gossip, it may only be a matter of time before this gets out. i'm not posting this to put the ****s up you, but just to highlight the very real possibility that your life is about to change drastically in the next while. you really need time ALONE to consider if it's worth it.

again, good luck

Oryx

God, I keep sticking my oar in.:D Bear in mind OP, that you have two women in your life now, and your wife is invariably going to suffer by comparision to a woman who you are only getting to know and in the first flush of love/lust with. This new girl will only show up the flaws in your existing relationship and make you feel its something you shouldnt be putting up with. You havent had hard times or harsh words with this girl yet, so no wonder you are so hooked on her, and she seems the answer.

Beruthiel

KatieK wrote:

You havent had hard times or harsh words with this girl yet, so no wonder you are so hooked on her, and she seems the answer.

indeed
the flaws don't start to show till at least 6 months into a relationship..

LegacyUser

Nemehotatse wrote:

i say me because i have no idea how she feels about that. i'm not that close to my family. hell only one of my brothers was at my wedding so if i lost contact i wouldn't loose much sleep.

Do you have a skewed view of family life in general due to a fallout with your family? Has it made it so that you have lost perspective when it comes to family bonds (thinking specifically of your wife here).
I think there is something seriously wrong with anyone who loses contact with their blood and has no yearning to see them, maybe you wont lose sleep over your wife for the same reasons?

Beruthiel

Nemehotatse wrote:

as i said i don't trust anyone who makes money off other peoples problems or troubles.

I meant to comment on this earlier, I find that comment a very odd view.
Many, many people have found great help in seeking professional help.
It can be just a case of someone from the outside coming at things from a view point you hadn't thought of.
Doctors for your body charge all the time, it doesn't stop you going to you when it's needed.
They need to make a living after all

Nemehotatse

fdsfgfsgs wrote:

Do you have a skewed view of family life in general due to a fallout with your family? Has it made it so that you have lost perspective when it comes to family bonds (thinking specifically of your wife here).
I think there is something seriously wrong with anyone who loses contact with their blood and has no yearning to see them, maybe you wont lose sleep over your wife for the same reasons?

i don't have a skewed view as you put it. rather that my family have for the most part not been there when ever i needed them. i have three brothers. two of which have never been there when i needed them yet always come to me in their time of need. my third brother when i go to him has very little time and when giving what little time he has he is always condicending but again expects me to drop everything to help him. so my family bonds though of blood are not that strong.

as for the professional bit. i very rearly go to a doctor. i think it has been about 5 years at this stage since i was with one. and again only because i was involved in a serious accident. i believe that the body was designet to regenerate itself and heal given time. granted it sometimes needs a boost hence when i am seriously ill i will attend a doctor.

Wolf

I understand the whole not wanting professional help.

I myself rarely if ever go to see the doctor and indeed after my fathers death when I was 17 both my mother and my sister went to see people and were on things. I myself would have the opinion you hold and also the idea that I have to be able to help myself. In the past people didn't have this avaliable to them and they got on all right. I would say however, that this isn't everyone.

Recently, I have had to give alot of thought and make major reform in my life, but, thats a seperate issue and one that I have decided against forming a topic about on boards.

At this time, many people told me to go and se that doctor which at first I was staright out NO WAY! After giving it some thought though and the fact that I will need a doctors note to get funding to resume my second degree course, I relasied, what harm could it do and the fact that it would make my mother and sister happy. I didn't go gushing to the doctor in fact I felt a bit guilty that I didn't really need help. I was also worried that he would just put me on some sort of tablets and send me on my way. However, the reverse is true.

From the little I told him not only did it help tremendously to talk to some one from a completely objective point of view, but, he also could clearly see that I have been depressed for quite a long time. I am not of the school, to say poor me, I still blame only myself and the actions I took that got me to the position that I found myself, but, I now relaise that I got to the point where I wasn't functioning right and tbh was hindered in helping myself. I do not think of the depression as an excuse in anyway, I should have done better.

That small chat with someone that was standing completely from the outside, has helped me to redouble my efforts in all areas and helped me focus on what I want. What I am getting at is I was like you on this opinion of mental/emotional help from doctors, but, I now relasie that if the help is there what is the worst that can happen from just seeing if it can help, even if only a bit?

I think rainbow bright said it best when she said close one book before opening another. A few of us have all hinted/said this in one way or another. Sort the marriage out first, wether that be to its end or to its strengthening.

As to the whole family thing, that is getting away from the topic/problem at hand. I would again agree with you, even though I am close to my family, if I felt strongly enough for someone I wouldn't let my family spoil it, but, then again we are close and they wouldn't make me make that choice.

All in all, I will say it again and many have before, wife is the first thing to deal with, other girl/s after!

turbot

I think you need to explore the following with yourself:

- What was the intensity of feeling you had with the person you married?
Did you get married so you'd be married, or because you were in love?

- Is this girl you are recently infatuated feelign the same thing... does she tell you she loves you?

If you are not into your wife, and this isn't just a fad, then you gotta think through what you are doing. You really should have determined this before you got married.

At the same time, if you have only spent limited time with the girl you're infatuated with, maybe you are in love with your understanding of her, which may not neccessarily be the girl herself, it's just what she represents to you.

Time for some soul searching on your behalf me thinks.

Nemehotatse

thanks for all the replys guys.

I got some leave from work coming up in a week or so, so i guess that'd be the best time to just get away from it all and try sort it out. my wife will be away with her sister so i'll be alone. so teh phone will be switched off and plenty time in the gymn to clear the head i guess.

i guess i need to just figure out where i want to be in my life and who i want it to be with. like people have said i married my wife for a reason so maybe i need to just find that reason again. or failing that then just be honest and sort things out once and for all.

tbh

Never mind "failing that". You have a duty to be honest with your wife. By the end of this week, resolve either to never see this other woman again (i.e. leave your job - is you marriage worth it or not?) or tell your wife the truth, and let her make the decision.

you can't live your life like this mate, it'll bite you on the arse eventually.

Wurly

I hope you do leave your wife. You dont deserve her. And al least then she will be free to find someone who will truly love her. Oh and also consider her feelings, not just shut them out and choose not to think about them.

Even your attitude stinks. You matter of factly tell people off for voicing their opinions cos its not what you want to hear. Most are in fact right actually - what you are doing to your wife is disgusting. But you'd rather not think about that, you coward.

And as for not seeking professional help because of your warped view of them capitalising on your misfortune. Ha ha, give me a break. You are just ensuring that you remain the emotional f*ck up that you are.

I hope you are left with no-one. You truly, truly deserve it!

Gordon

Tri, please post with civility or don't post at all.

Wurly

Well sorry, others said far worse than I did. My level of 'civility' is as much as he deserves.

Fanny Cradock

OP, make sure you don't turn this break into a dirty weekend. use the oppertunity wisely!

Gordon

Tri wrote:

Well sorry, others said far worse than I did. My level of 'civility' is as much as he deserves.

Then I'll direct that comment also at everyone else if it makes you happy.

Keep it civil please everybody.

I hope you come to the right conclusion Nemehotatse.

Nemehotatse

Tri wrote:

I hope you do leave your wife. You dont deserve her. And al least then she will be free to find someone who will truly love her. Oh and also consider her feelings, not just shut them out and choose not to think about them.

Even your attitude stinks. You matter of factly tell people off for voicing their opinions cos its not what you want to hear. Most are in fact right actually - what you are doing to your wife is disgusting. But you'd rather not think about that, you coward.

you'll actually find that i tell people off when they make intelligent posts like your own. i except everyones views and opinions. but statements like fix your shift key? which was one of the first posts, though constructive from a punctuational and gramatical point of view really isn't on topic now is it? neither is calling someone a coward for not discussing things with people. did it ever occure to you that maybe just maybe it's not cowardice but guilt? or maybe just maybe there's something in the back of my head that is telling me to hold on and maybe I can get through this without destroying someone elses life but my own?

Tri wrote:

And as for not seeking professional help because of your warped view of them capitalising on your misfortune. Ha ha, give me a break. You are just ensuring that you remain the emotional f*ck up that you are.

I hope you are left with no-one. You truly, truly deserve it!

emotional ****up up? why? because i choose not to trust people? well you must live in a world where noone gets screwed over or abused or taken for a ride. i have an ingrained distrust of people. it takes a lit to gain it and very little to loose it. I don't have to explain my feeelings to you but i will. I have been to these so called professionals and they donet help. not for this issue but for others. I have seen friends do teh same and come back worse than before with no answers and only more questions. one so bad that though life was bad before decided that it wasn't worth it any more and decided to kill herself. so pardon me for not having faith in these so called professionals that couldn't save one soul that needed it more than anyone.

so as i have said before to the other posters that have the same intelect as yourself and can do nothing but condem, do the world a favour and crawl back under which ever stone you came out from. you've expressed your opinion and worthless as it is i except your comments and take them onboard as a reminder of how small minded people can really be.

you have no idea of my life or my emotions yet you call me an emotional **** up. though my emotions are not under control they are not ****ed up. I have simply found myself in a hole that i am finding difficulyt getting out of. a lot of posters have condemned my actions. well guess what so have i. I've been called a coward and god knows what else, guess what it's nothing worse that i've called myself. all you know about me is that I have done somethiong that disgusts you. well did it ever occur to you that maybe your opinions disgusts others? but we hold back, why? because of the effects they may have on people. so like i said find your rock and crawl back under it.

@ Wolf and asiaprod and the others. Thanks for your views and opinions. i though you have said a lot of what was going on in my head its always good to hear it from someone else. for the rest of teh guys and geirls who have offered help and well wishes may what ever god that watches over you bless you and keep you safe. and for the resot of you like Tri well i wont loose too much sleep over you

@ fanny craddock, no it wont be a dirty weekend. far from it. my waife is away with her sister as i said and i plan on hitting the bbooks and the gym. my cell phone will be switched off as will my pc and teh house phoen unplugged. i won't be calling her no matter how hard it will be not to and i wont be going by her place just for a chat. I guess i'm at a fork in the road, do i take teh easy path or the difficuly one. time will tell i guess.

again thanks guys and girls, even you tri people like you always managed to reinforce my faith in man kind

tbh

Nemehotatse wrote:

you'll actually find that i tell people off when they make intelligent posts like your own. i except everyones views and opinions. but statements like fix your shift key? which was one of the first posts, though constructive from a punctuational and gramatical point of view really isn't on topic now is it? neither is calling someone a coward for not discussing things with people. did it ever occure to you that maybe just maybe it's not cowardice but guilt? or maybe just maybe there's something in the back of my head that is telling me to hold on and maybe I can get through this without destroying someone elses life but my own?

You're not the victim here. YOUR WIFE IS. Have you ever thought that you are destroying your wife's life by staying with her and treating her with as little respect as you have so far?

Wurly

Poor you, life is so hard isnt it.

Ill happily crawl back under my rock no problem. Seems its a much nicer place under my rock than it is under yours.

Fanny Cradock

most would find what nemehotatse got up to pretty shameful, but, in fairness to the guy, it seems like he is begining to realise the seriousness of the situation and the potential damage he has caused.

takola

I'm amazed at the amount of self righteous, judgemental people who have replied to this thread! :eek:
How can so many find it so easy to condemn someone without knowing them at all!!!!! :mad:
Tri in particular.. cowardice is a point of view!! And from here i see somebody hiding behind a big wall of rhetorical "holier than thou" bovine (male) fecal matter!!!!!
I find it hard to believe that in this day and age (roughly 2000 years after one man was nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to each other) that there are still people out there such as yourself who still adopt the draconian, "im stuck in the dark ages" attitude of our fore fathers! I'm really dont mean to bang on about it but you NEED to get out more!!!
Heaven forbid you should ever have to post your views of contraception! :rolleyes:

Nemehotatse, i wish you the best of luck, i really hope you find what it is that will make you happy! You're right not to make any hasty decisions! Take your time!
Again best of luck!

Nevyn

takola

I suggest you take the time to read the charter for this forum which as the rules for posting here.

tbh

Tri in particular.. cowardice is a point of view

yes it is. It's a point of view that is shared by lots of posters, me included. So whats your point?

I find it hard to believe that in this day and age (roughly 2000 years after one man was nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to each other) that there are still people out there such as yourself who still adopt the draconian, "im stuck in the dark ages" attitude of our fore fathers! I'm really dont mean to bang on about it but you NEED to get out more!!!
Heaven forbid you should ever have to post your views of contraception!

what are you talking about? What has Jesus got to do with anything?

The guy comes on complaining that the woman he wants to leave his wife for only wants to be friends. So he's not leaving his wife.

I reckon that makes him a coward. He's subjecting his wife to a life with a man who doesn't want to be with her, because he hasn't got the balls to tell her how he feels and risk getting thrown out on his arse. You think I'm stuck in the dark ages?

Wurly

thanks for your opinions on me Takola. Not that I care. Your giving out to me for having an opinion about the OP but yet you've just made clear your opinions of me? Hypocrite? I think you're the one who needs a hobby mate. ha ha

Nemehotatse

tbh wrote:

You're not the victim here. YOUR WIFE IS. Have you ever thought that you are destroying your wife's life by staying with her and treating her with as little respect as you have so far?

i never said i was the victim. yes i am well aware of the damage my actions will cause. that's why i'm trying to fix them. I've already said that I plan on taking some time out to be alone to sort out in my head and heart where i want to be. if by staying with my wife for a few weeks more til i sort things out is damaging then fine so be it. but what if i walked now and then figured it all out that i should have stayed with her? two lives ruined. where as if i stay put i can save our marraige without any hurt, resentment or distrust.

tbh wrote:

The guy comes on complaining that the woman he wants to leave his wife for only wants to be friends. So he's not leaving his wife.

i never complained that she just wanted to be friends. you'll find that i said she had a lot on in her life and wasn't ready for a relationship but if the timing was better then she would. and of course the fact that i wasn't married.

and i'm not being a coward for staying with my wife. i think the opposite actually. i may not face up to what i've done in some peoples eyes. but I do have to look in the mirror every day, i do have to live with myself every day and i do have to try sleep at night with the guilt inside me. so which is more cowardly? owning up and being thrown out whereby i can get on with my life alone or trying to fix what I've broken and trying to limit the hurt and damage i've caused. so that at lease one person can continue her life happy? in my view by keeping my mouth shut the only one that gets really hurt is me, because i have to live with what i've done. and when the time comes and my life is laid out before me i'll take what ever punishment i'm due and i wont whinge about it.

i've taken the advice of the people here who where kind enough to look past the thing i've done and to try help me. that advice was to forget about the other woman and try make my marraige work. and i am doing my best at that and it will take time.

should i tell my wife? some people will say yes others no. in my view no. but then of course i'd say that i'm the one that runs the risk of loosing everything and in doing so would destroy everything instead of salvaging it. but that is just my take on it.

as was said some people are quick to comdemn me, hell some of the loudest shouters have also offered me advice so i can't really say anything against them. but the the people like Tri and the guywho posted fix you shift key. i appreciate you condemnation but to be perfectly frank it's water off a ducks back. simply because that's all you can do, condemn so why bother wasting your time and others time posting? where as the others have also offered a little advice or insight as well as their feelings on the matter. for those of you that do think i'm the worst scum in the universe with the holier than thou attitude,well all i can say is it must be nice in that bubble you live in. you may not have done what i have but i'm sure that at some point in your life you have or will do something you are ashamed of. so maybe nexttime take a second before you condemn someone for their actions and try see their point of view.

I never came on here bragging about what i did, i came here looking for help. i've been called a coward and an emotional **** up. my views on therapy have been slated but even after that i can thank you all. especially those of you in that little whitewashed universe you live in because all you have managed to do is reinforce my view of people in general. for those of you that can see past what i have done and have offered help and advice you have managed to give me a little faith in humanity and its ability to forgive. i offer my thanks and prayers that none of you have to face what i have to, and may your god keep you and yours safe.