i got this problem

Nemehotatse

i met this girl.. funny how things begin that way. anyway I metthis girl at work. over teh last few months we've flirted back and forth and been out a few times to lunch and what not. had some wine at her place but never stayed the night.

anyway she has a lot on her plate at the moment and doesn't want to be with anyone one. and i'm married. and before anyone says it i know i was wrong to start anything and how could i do such a terrible thing. well sometimes ya just can't help it.

anyway from day one i have fely this connection with her and have found myself more and more attracted to her. to the point that i think its safe to say that i could be falling for her big time. but liek i said she doesn't want that right now fistly because she's just finished in a bad relationship 6 months ago and has a young child from that. and secoindly obviously because i'm married.

i've told her time and again i'd give up everythng i have for her, my life my family. but nothing seems to help. when i do manage to sleep at night i end up dreaming of her and when i should be putting time into college stuff i find my mind wandering to think of her. no matter how hard i try nothing seems to clear thoughts of her from my head. not drinking not driving not even pain.

Oryx

You need to be sure you are not using this girl as an escape from your present circumstances. Cos if you are willing to throw away your family, things cant be that hunky dory at home. Tell this girl where you are coming from and ask her to be brutally honest about her feelings for you. If she is willing to wait till you sort your life out, maybe you have some chance. But i would think about how you would feel about being without your family without this girl on the scene. Maybe even contemplate a trial separation to be on your own, NOT with this girl, to see how you feel and get your head straight. Because (and you may hate me for this) you could be just infatuated.

Ag marbh

Nemehotatse wrote:

i've told her time and again i'd give up everythng i have for her, my life my family. but nothing seems to help. when i do manage to sleep at night i end up dreaming of her and when i should be putting time into college stuff i find my mind wandering to think of her. no matter how hard i try nothing seems to clear thoughts of her from my head. not drinking not driving not even pain.

Repeat that paragraph to yourself and stop being stupid.

Fanny Cradock

saying things just happen is a lame excuse.

no doubt when this comes crashing down around your head you may feel a sense of remorse and shame for what you are doing, but for now your total lack of either is horrible.

maybe the reason that nothing you said to her makes any difference is because, somewhere in the back of her mind, she realised you must have said the same to your wife at some stage.

you should try and salvage your marriage and the commitment you made instead of giving some girl you "could be falling for" a dickin'.

py2006

Your first issue is to fix the Shift key on your keyboard! :rolleyes:

Dude, you don't give up your family for any woman! What are you like!

Clearly you are not happy with your current relationship but do your partner a favour and let her know and end the relationship before you start jumping another girl!

onemanband

This is complete and utter infatuation. If you are this unclear in your thinking and proceed to ruin your marriage and relationship with your kids, you will have decades to reflect on what will have been the biggest mistake of your life!

[Jackass]

Im sure she's really turned on by you saying you'd leave your wife and kids for her in a second...what a catch! :rolleyes:

JustCoz

How old are you OP?

BeardyGit

JustCoz wrote:

How old are you OP?

Old enough to know better.

OP, you need to face reality here or you're in for some real trouble. You're not just 'attached', you've a wife and children and everything that comes along with that. Like it or not, you can't just ignore that they form a massive part of what your life is at the moment and if you're any sort of excuse of a man you'll acknowledge that their needs come before yours - ALWAYS. You need to get on with the business of the day, being a husband and a father for your family.

If you're not happy with the marriage (I mean REALLY unhappy, not just a bit bored) then make an effort to fix it instead of looking towards escapist fantasy. You need to stamp on this notion that you can just walk away from everything with this girl on your arm and live in a hollywood happily ever after ending. It's not going to happen. You need to step back, grow a pair, and then get on with your life through doing what you need to do for your family first. At least try to act like an adult, even if you've the imagination of a teenage schoolgirl (No offence meant girls but this guy's like something out of Dawsons Creek or the OC!)

And in case you don't realise it - She's giving you a polite brush off. Beware that if you carry on the way you're going she's more likely to act like she's scraping you off her shoe with a stick...... If I were her I'd use the stick for something else altogether.

Asiaprod

Nemehotatse wrote:

i've told her time and again i'd give up everythng i have for her, my life my family. but nothing seems to help. .

Thank the Lord the woman has some sense.

I honestly though you were Trolling when I first read this post. Although as a Buddhists I try to be thoughtful, understanding and non-judgmental, not this time, you are in IMHO out of your mind and totally infatuated with this woman. Into the bargain, it looks like it is all one way traffic, coming from you.

I cannot believe you are prepared to risk everything, a wife, a family and a home, in such a reckless manner. This woman has just come away from a bad relationship with the added responsibility of having now to raise a young child and you think that for some insane reason she is going to accept a man who is prepared to walk away from his family as her new knight in shinning armor. You really should wake up and take a long hard look at the situation. Quite frankly, you should be the last person this woman would pick to settle down with. She probably wants security, how would she have that knowing that if you left a family once for her, you could do it all over again to her if things did not go your way. On the other side of the coin, what kind of respect should one have for a woman who would be prepared to destroy another woman's life and family to achieve her own goals. If she could do that, she could equally leave you the first time an interesting prospect shows up. If you were already divorced it might be different, but you are not. And you cannot just on a whim trade in a wife and family for a new model.

I am also a little confused with the facts as you have stated them; you are married, you have a family and you are studying in college??? Would I be correct in assuming that you are young, you got married young because of less than ideal circumstances, and that things are not working out now? I don`t mean to be nosey here, but I do feel that your time would be spent much more productively by bringing your wife and yourself to a marriage councilor and trashing it out. Marriages in general are a lot more resilient than one might think and it is never to late to turn this one into a wonderful relationship. If this does not work, then fine, you have tried and are free to go your separate ways.

mountainyman

Nemehotatse wrote:

i've told her time and again i'd give up everythng i have for her, my life my family. but nothing seems to help. when i do manage to sleep at night i end up dreaming of her and when i should be putting time into college stuff i find my mind wandering to think of her. no matter how hard i try nothing seems to clear thoughts of her from my head. not drinking not driving not even pain.

Leave it as a dream is my advice. What are the problems in your marriage. Sort those out, what about your kids.
You are over emotional lift weights and do some sort f vioent sport like rugby or judo.

Nemehotatse

I never said anything about having kids. i said family as in siblings.

what age am i? in my mid 30's I got married about 2 years ago in my mind that's not young to others it might be. i work full time and am in college 3 nights a week and saturday mornings.


@ ag marbh such insightful help and advice no wonder suicide rates in this country are rising that's all i can say.

@ fanny cradock, i never said i didn't feel remorse. i do every day the guilt i feel cuts me up inside. but i deal with it. and can i ask you a question, are you so in control of your life and surroundings that sometimes things don't take on a life of their own and spiral out of control? not once in your entire existence? well if so you must be an exceptional human and i take my hat off to you i really do. because at some point in your life something will come along that you cant control and then see if you will ever think that something just happen is a lame excuse. i don't mean to be rude or anything but sometime things happen and do go beyond your control. you stand at the edge of the flames and are either burned or tempered by them. you live with the decisions you have made and learn by the mistakes.

@ asiaprod - she does want security but not at this time. right now she wants time with her daughter and what ever happens happens. her words not mine. she has also said that she couldn't be responsible for a marriage break up so i can only assume the term homewrecker couldn't be used in her case. she has told me that if i did leave then it would have to be because i genuinely wanted to and not just because of her.

@ mountainyman i've tried the gym and the violent sports. i'm up at 5 am every day to go to the gym before work. and yes it does clear the head a little but once the adrenaline stops flowing the thoughts come flooding back. same as when I drive it's just me and the road but again when I pull over it comes back.



I am aware that I am being given the brush off not because of the fact that i'm married or because at the back of her mind will be the thought that if i've done it once i'll do it again. but because of how she has been hurt before in the past, she has lost faith in men. and i know i'm no shining example of our race. but it is possible though many disbelieve it for a person to change.

it seems to me that a lot of people are very idealistic in their thinking about things. go to guidance and so on. i have no faith in people that make money out of other peoples problems and woes. that's why i came here. i'm not looking for validation or a slap on the back, just some insight and maybe someone has been where i am and could have shared their experiences so that i can see the light because where there is light there is hope. just thought that talking about it could make things cleared in my head but then i forgot that the majority of people are great at condemning people and not understanding them.

tbh

I'm sorry to say, but thats all self-serving bs. Why should this girl be responsible for you leaving your wife? If you want to leave her, leave her. It's your decision, not this girls. It sounds like your wife would be better off without you. "Sometimes things just spiral out of control" - bs. You knew what you were doing, and what you were hoping for, when you went to her house and had your little glasses of w[h]ine together. If you've got the balls, leave your wife and see what happens. Why should your wife be second best? You're a coward in my opinion.

Loomis

Nemehotatse wrote:

...................well sometimes ya just can't help it.

Yes, you can! Quite easily!

Nemehotatse wrote:

......................................... i think its safe to say that i could be falling for her big time

Well that makes it ok then :rolleyes: You deserve no one

Sleepy

OP - you're getting abuse here because you're doing a horrible thing.

Do the decent thing and tell your wife about this. Let her get rid of you while she can still make a life with someone worthwhile.

dudara

The posters are giving you their opinions. By posting on a public forum, you accept that people can reply as they like.

Nemehotatse wrote:

i'm not looking for validation or a slap on the back, just some insight and maybe someone has been where i am and could have shared their experiences so that i can see the light because where there is light there is hope. just thought that talking about it could make things cleared in my head but then i forgot that the majority of people are great at condemning people and not understanding them.

I've had the experience of a somewhat similar situation, and I think that others here have also. Your description of things sound like you're desperately trying to justify all this to yourself. Well, don't. Stop codding yourself and face facts. You're creating a horrible situation that can seriously damage peoples lives here.

You say you're in a spiral, then stand out of it. Find your balls and take control and sort your head out.

BoozyBabe

You can get bored with your wife after only 2 years????? Oh FFS!!

Yip, you're a real catch to this other woman alright!

With people like you who can justify breaking up marriages without a second thought over a bit of infatuation (& also unrequited it seems), it's no wonder divorce is on the up

LegacyUser

To be honest lad - the girl should be irrelevent. If your not happy in the marriage then either fix it or leave. Don't just stick with your wife until somethnig better somes along. You at least owe your wife that much as its her happiness aswell.

RE this other woman - stay friends with her or whatever but for the sake of the woman you married and for any chance of a decent relationship you will have to deal with your own problems first.

Wolf

I wasn't going to post, but, everyone seems to be jumping down your throat a bit, and probably rightly in all fairness, but, lets see if we can't try to be a bit more understanding.

First off when you got married you made a commitment. One now that you feel you can't/won't see through. The correct course of action would be to try to make better of your marrage, as others have said. However, I can understand what you mean by things spirling out of control. You can control an awful lot in your life, but, controling how you feel is difficult, and at times almost impossible, so I do empathize.

Saying to this girl that you would leave everthing behind for her however, is wrong. By saying this you are leaving the decision up to her. What I am getting at here is that, would you still leave your wife if you had never meet this other girl? If this new girl suddenly took off to a different country or if she started seeing or married someone else would you stay with your wife?

The decision to leave your wife should be based on the feeling for your wife and not becasue you suddenly see that the grass is greener on the other side.

If you feel you are not happy in your marriage then the best and fairest thing todo, for both you and your wife would be to discuss the porblems with your wife and if you can't work it out then to end the marriage. Then, and only then you can see about the possibility of starting a relationship with someone new.

By saying to this girl that you would leave everything for her, you are giving her not, as you may think an honest, loving and honorable sacrifice, but, instead and ultimatum. What you are really say is that on the condition that she would be with you that you are willing to risk your current status for her. If you did end up with her under these circumstances it would put terriable pressure on the relationship, particularly on her to make it work. she would understandably and undoubtly feel that you have done something for her and she would obviously feel that in turn that she should/would owe you something for that. Which is no way to start any relationship. Wether, the owning be monatery or emotions.

If instaed you feel that the relationship with your wife would end or should end anyway, then have the guts todo so. Then and only then could you or should start to persue another relationship.

Another brief point to remember and I have had this with girl friends where the commiment and feelings did not run so deep, is that if you ended up with this girl and you told her that you would love her completely and truly, based on your past record that would be very hard to believe. As I have said I have had this issue with girlfriends, where they have left a boyfriend to be with me. I always had it in the back of my mind that maybe they would one day do this to me?! Now think that she would be thinking that if he can walk out of a marriage why wouldn't he walk out on me the next time something good comes along? Yes, yes, you could explain that its all different with her and you would probably mean it, but, at the end of the day I can assure you that the doubt would always be there.

All in all you have two very separate issues in my mind. One is the relationship with your wife, how you truly feel about her and wether or not you can or indeed, are will to try to make it work. The other issue is that you have meet someone that you seem to feel stongly about and you need to approch that in the right manner. The right manner though would be from outside of your marriage, because todo so from inside is dishonest to yourself, your wife and this new girl.

I hope you sort this all out sooner rather than later, I would have believed from your posts that this is tearing you apart and I am sorry for the pain and anguish you now must feel, but, look in your heart and don't be selfish about what you want. Instead, think of what is best for all parties concerned ie the possible new relationship, but, also if you break the marriage up that you do it in the best possible and most honest way. Best of luck and do what you feel/know is right. Making decsions is easy, it's living with them that is the hard part.

takola

you've said you think you're falling for this girl, but what I cant understand is if you really care about her so much then why would you, after she’s already come out of a bad relationship and has a lot on her plate and has told you plainly that she doesn’t want a relationship, the try to make her "responsible" for a marriage break up also?
Surely you understand that you leaving your wife for her would just make her life harder? People judge so easily as you've already noticed, and the condemnation that would come with that kind of situation is really not something that girl needs from the sound of it!
So I’m getting that you're falling for her but my advice would be to leave her be and deal with your feelings! She isn’t responsible for them after all!
Also I suggest that you sort your marriage out. You very obviously aren't happy with your wife and dragging that kind of situation out is only going to make things worse and a lot more painful for the both of you. You need to take responsibility for your marriage breakup yourself with no one else involved. And besides you never know, if you've left your wife and sorted everything out that side, after this girl has sorted her head out she may rethink the situation.
But for now I really think you need to leave her be! Sort your own life out and then see what happens. Leave her to get her head above water!

koneko

Either leave your wife or don't. The girl, imho, has little to do with it. Either you're happy with your wife or you're not. If you're not, why stay with her? And worse, why stay with her and then cheat on her? I'm sure she deserves better than that, you must have loved at some point if you married her. You *know* you shouldn't be doing this.

Don't burden this other girl with the responsibility of deciding about the fate of your marriage, it's not her choice to make, it's yours. Either leave your wife or don't. Don't do this "oh I won't leave my wife if I don't have someone else waiting for me" thing, you know it isn't right, and it isn't fair on either girl/woman.

fuzzywiggle

Think long and hard before making any decisions. If you're bored with your wife, try sort it out. Communicate with her. Don't brush her off just because there is some new eye candy around. Think about it. I agree with the other posters that said you are infatuated with this girl. In my opinion that's all it is. Maybe you just feel stuck in a rut with your wife and need something new and exciting? If so make that happen with your wife..don't give up on your marriage that easily. Anyway, you either want to leave your wife or you don't. You shouldn't just do it because of some other woman.

Oryx

OP, I was careful in my earlier post not to heap condemnation on you. Im not really pure enough to set myself up as morality police.
I just dont want to see you make a big mistake based how you feel right now. I know this girl is the be all and end all to you, but you need to ask yourself why that is. Are you trying to escape from dull everyday life? Do you think you could be wrapped up in the secrecy and excitement of a potential affair? An affair in the first while can take over your life and be the most exciting thing, causing you to think of nothing else. Plus you are not having a regular relationship with this girl, it sounds like you havent slept with her, so you have all that pent up frustration of her being pretty much unavailable. All Im saying is REALLY examine your motives before deciding if you are in love or simply besotted with the idea of an affair with this girl.

Nemehotatse

@ Boozybabe. thanks for the insightful thoughts you've brought to the discussion. what a ray of bloody hope you have been. please if you've nothing to say other than what you have then please don't bother getting involved.

@ wolf thanks for your insight. to answer you would i still consider leaving if this lass went abroad or something? i don't know is the honest answer and i can see where you are going by asking the question. is what i'm feeling genuine and i honestly do want to be separated from my wife, or am i in it for the thrill as has been said. I don't have the answer to this question and that is part of what the turmoil inside me is. i have tried to ask and answer this question for weeks now and find no answers. normally when faced with problems i can just switch off and for want of a better way to explain it meditate til the answer comes to me. sometimes in the car sometimes in the gym sometimes alone in a dark room. but now when i try i can't quiet my mind i can't find the answers.

@ Takola I'm not trying to make this all her responsibility and heaping teh decision on her leaving me scot free. quiet the opposite. to be honest i didn't realise that by saying that i would leave if she wanted me to was passing teh book to her. if i had i sure as hell wouldn't have done it. so from that regard i do owe her an apology for trying to make it her decision and not something i need to work out for myself. thanks for shining the light on it for me.

i guess i have a lot of thinking to do. i know i can't listen to the hearts of the world, that the answers lie within so i guess i'll just have to dig deeper and try find teh answers and not more questions.

For those of you that think i come across cold and callous. well it may seem that way it may seem i don't care about my wife and her feeling. i do. and it may seem that I have dumped responsibility for my actions on this other woman. well i honestly didn't mean to. i didn't realise that my words could be taken as an ultimatum and will go about rectifying that.

and to those that feel its a good idea to mouth off one liners like "fix your shift button" or bored after 2 years. no wonder....." all i can say to you guys is people come here looking for advice, wisdom insight and also to see things from the other side of the coin, from every point of view. statements like that really do add f all to a discussion except waste bandwidth and peoples time. so if you have nothing to say in regard to the discussion why bother getting involved? statements like you're a swine or whatever for what you did well again not really constructive inputs but they are opinions and are appreciated.

At those that did get involved to offer insight and criticism of my actions I thank you for your time and energies. Your thoughts and words have all been taken on board. I have a lot of soul searching to do and a decision to make and hopefully your comments will help clear some of the muddle I feel one way or the other

koneko

I hope you get the answers you're looking for, I agree that it sounds like you just need to give it a lot of thought and "look within" (that sounds like a cliche), do a lot of soulsearching and see what it is that you ultimately really want, and do right by both ladies.

Beruthiel

ok
First off you are in lust with this woman.
She is new and exciting, your wife has become same ol' same ol'.
You married a woman two years ago, for life. Forsaking all others.
Now, I'm divorced, so I am well aware that things can go astray, but after only 2 years, is that possible?!

Do you still love your wife? The woman who promised to be yours.
If you love her and want to stay with her, then kick this other one to the curb, work on your relationship and cop yourself on.
Think with your head and not your dick.

If you are no longer able to love your wife and things have gone down the toilet there, so badly that it can't be saved, then finish with her and let her move on from you.
As your wife she deserves some respect from you and right now you are giving her diddly squat.


I don't accept excuses such as 'it just happened', it happened because you let it happen. I am of the opinion that 'these things happen' because something is not right at home, what is that?

You're a grown up, time to start acting like one.
You have some serious thinking to do.
Start asking yourself the right questions and not looking at this through rose tinted glasses.
The grass only looks greener till you get there

Oryx

When someone first posts here its very easy to make assumptions and fly off with criticism. The more you post the more balanced and thoughtful you come across. I wish you luck with this, hope the decision you make is right for you.

tbh

let me see if I understand the position.

If the girl you are hot for says "yeah, leave your wife and live with me" you'll do it.

If she doesn't, you'll stay with your wife?

is that right?

you are a coward. If you are prepared to leave your wife for another woman, but not if you are going to be on your own, you are a coward.

your poor wife, she probably thinks everything is grand.

Beruthiel

Nemehotatse
one other thing I wanted to remind you off, all relationships at the start are exciting, new and highly tense, that's the amazing part of any beginning - no long term relationship can sustain that type of high emotion.
Was it a case of just missing that with your wife?
It will disappear with this other woman too if ye get together.
a relationship requires two people to keep it interesting, perhaps yourself and your wife just got lazy there?
You can sort that you know.

Wolf

First off tbh seems sound enough and insightfull guy, but, in imho he can be a wee touch on the harsh side at times, although he does cut through alot of BS with his style of posting. I suppose the name, tbh, says it all really

I think that you need to answer the questions about your wife first, before, trying or deciding on anything else. If you are not sure about this situation, make sure that you are before beginning or acting on the other one ie start from good foundations. At least now you seem to realise that action is not what is required now, making the right decsion is.

The main thing I would say is to separate, your feelings for this other woman from your feelings about your marriage. The two right now are intertwinded, but, the are and should be seperate issues. While, yes, this new woman may have brought to light that your marriage isn't right, it not to say, that maybe although in an extreme way you haven't just been drawn in the the shiney light as it were. Simply put you are in the marriage right now and not in the relationship with the other woman. Sort out the right now and then see where you stand.

As to what I said about what you said to the new woman being an ultimatum, perhaps that is abit strong, but, in real trems what you are offering does reflect one in many ways, but, perhaps not to the same degree. However, what other have said while you did not feel or want to do this in the end it would be her decision that would make your decision. I really do hope that you can see this.

I honestly hope that you find the answers that you need, and that it works out for all parties. If you stay true to you know what is right, honest and stay true to yourself then I'm sure no matter how rough or though it gets it will work out well, eventually, for all involved. All the best.

tbh

wolf - I agree that for me, this situation is black and white. Maybe I'm being harsh on the poster, but there it is. Imagine it was your sister he was married to? Or your mam?

I've no problem with people falling in and out of love - it happens. But this crap about "if she wants me to leave, I'll leave, and if not, I'll stay with my wife". Why should it be his choice? Why should he have his cake and eat it? (in-joke there) If he's willing to leave his wife, he should have the balls to tell her, and let her choose what she wants to do, instead of spending the rest of his life pretending that she is his first choice. Thats what I'm pissed about - the whole "falling in love with another woman" part is seperate.