The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

GMSA · 12-12-2017 5:17pm

3 old women are sitting on a park bench when a man jumps out and flashes at them. 2 of the women immediately have a stroke. The other old dear couldn't quite reach.

MonkieSocks · 12-12-2017 6:51pm

A Priest says to his friend, the Rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.

Come 2am, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.

Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.

' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The Rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the Priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal.

Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The Priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And the Rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

byrner88 · 12-12-2017 7:20pm

My missus crashed her car into some guy last night. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking a beer from a can at the time.

The police said he was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory!!!

chewed · 13-12-2017 3:23pm

TEXT TO NEIGHBOUR
"Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards,
Alan"

NEIGHBOUR’S RESPONSE
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed then grabbed his gun and shot his neighbour Alan dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Fred took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alan.

SECOND MESSAGE
"Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey?
Regards,
Alan"

13-12-2017 8:17pm

The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him, “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?”
“James,” the new seaman answered.
“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”
“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”
“Now,what’s your last name?”
The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.”
“Okay,James, here’s what I want you to do…

byrner88 · 13-12-2017 11:46pm

I hate strip clubs.
I can't touch her, she won't touch me, I can't touch myself,
& she gets all my cash.
It's like being home with the wife!

byrner88 · 16-12-2017 5:57am

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my ****ing fingers to the bone to buy all the presents my kids ask for, and what happens Christmas morning?
That fat ****er with the beard gets all of the credit for it....Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her!!

New Home · 18-12-2017 8:29pm

What’s a good Christmas tip? Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone South for the Winter.

branie2 · 18-12-2017 8:53pm

What goes Ho! Ho! Ho! plop?
Santa Claus laughing his head off.

MonkieSocks · 20-12-2017 6:44pm

I awoke for a leak in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door’s garden.

Suddenly, my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished I got back into bed.

My wife said, “Darling, you’re shaking, what is it?”

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen,”

I said. “That barsturd next door has still got my fookin shovel

coolhull · 21-12-2017 11:45pm

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Gardi are out there checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then went onto the half'uns, Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car there and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and doing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from...

byrner88 · 22-12-2017 1:30am

Bought the missus a new fridge as a surprise Christmas present.

Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.....

chewed · 22-12-2017 9:19am

How does Moses make his tea?Â

Hebrews it

patmac · 22-12-2017 9:24am

The Russian Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna; why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase. The first reason is that I am cleaning better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you are cleaning better than me?”

Anna: “Your husband he say so.”

Wife: “Really?”

Anna: “The second reason is that I am better cook than you.”

Wife: “Don’t talk nonsense !, Who said you were a better cook than me?”

Anna: “Your husband said.”

Wife increasingly angried: “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

Buford T. Justice XIX · 22-12-2017 11:41am

I bought my wife a cookbook for Christmas, called 'Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking' which was ideal because not only is she a Vegetarian...

Jimmy Carr

Capt'n Midnight · 22-12-2017 11:39pm

As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

I bought a new shrub trimmer today… It’s cutting hedge technology.

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? Nothing, it’s on the house.

I went train spotting once. It was really easy, they are absolutely massive and make loads of noise.

My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later. "This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.

"I haven't had a bleedin' chance yet!" replied the parrot.

Microdot · 23-12-2017 12:09am

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'

the_pen_turner · 23-12-2017 12:24am

byrner88 wrote: »

Bought the missus a new fridge as a surprise Christmas present.

Can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.....

you would want to be careful that she doesn't open the chiller section, you could get a frosty reception followed by cold shoulder

Microdot · 23-12-2017 12:28am

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde.
She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks
"Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

Microdot · 23-12-2017 12:30am

"On the Table"

He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey.

Microdot · 23-12-2017 12:32am

Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house,

Everybody felt ****ty even the mouse.
With Mom at the whore house,

And dad smoking grass,
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass!

When out on the lawn I hear such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter!

When out on the lawn I saw a big dick,
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment the ****er had fell!

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick for my brother, the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart,
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight,
Piss on you all and have a Hell of a night!

Microdot · 23-12-2017 12:40am

A little boy about nine or ten, was siting on Santa's lap. Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said " George I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y." Nope! replied George. Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face. You want C-A-N-D-Y. Nope! replied George. Then just what the hell do you want, ask Santa. George looked Santa in the face, pointing his finger, I want some P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell me that you don't have any. Because I can smell it on your finger!

DanMurphy · 23-12-2017 12:41am

A tortoise reported to the Gardai that he had just been mugged by a gang of snails.

'Did you recognize any of the slimy bastids? asked a Garda.

'No chance, said the tortoise, it all happened so fast!'

Microdot · 23-12-2017 12:44am

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas-after all, they've only known each other for three weeks. Romantic, yet not too personal. Accompanied by her younger sister, he goes to the mall and buys a pair of white gloves. The sister picks up a pair of panties for herself. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels. The sister gets the gloves, the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties. Without checking, the guy rushes the suspect gift to his sweetie, after drafting this loving & helpful note...

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

DanMurphy · 23-12-2017 12:47am

Blonde woman standing on the riverbank shouts across to another blonde standing on the opposite bank.

'How do I get to the other side?' she asks.

'But you ARE on the other side,' says the other blonde.

Microdot · 23-12-2017 3:12pm

Why couldn't the tissue cross the road?

Because he was stuck in a crack.

Microdot · 23-12-2017 3:26pm

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter
over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so
mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over
to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to
the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,
he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and
Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.
Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it
either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry
and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.

Microdot · 23-12-2017 3:27pm

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

Microdot · 23-12-2017 3:28pm

If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

Microdot · 23-12-2017 4:22pm

Del, Trigger and Mike and Albert are in The Nag's Head trying to convince Rodney that there are people worse off.

Del Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.
Trigger They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.
Mike So what happened Trig?
Trigger He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.
Albert What, he was gonna drive off it?
Trigger Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.
Del But then, and this is the what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.
Rodney No! Who held the whip-round?
Del All the passengers on the bus.

DanMurphy · 23-12-2017 8:04pm

'Oh Doctor, I think I'm a billiard ball'...
Doctor, 'Right then, get back to the end of the cue....'

Man walks into a bar.
Ouch!

Boastful yank visiting Ireland...'Why, my ranch stateside is soooo big, it takes me four days just to drive around it!'
Small Irish farmer...'I had an auld crock of a car just like that once!'

Roger Hassenforder · 23-12-2017 8:15pm

"Have you Orla Kiely jugs?" says I to the young one in Brown Thomas today.

"No, theyre my own" she says.

MonkieSocks · 24-12-2017 5:01pm

Knew a Guy with Two Wooden Legs, whose house caught fire.

The Fire Brigade saved his House but, He was Burnt to the Ground

Roger_007 · 24-12-2017 5:05pm

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Knew a Guy with Two Wooden Legs, whose house caught fire.

The Fire Brigade saved his House but, He was Burnt to the Ground

...subsequently charged with arsin'?

mad m · 24-12-2017 5:55pm

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a bit of boogie in him.

Ok I’ll get my coat

Don Kiddick · 24-12-2017 5:59pm

Roger_007 wrote: »

...subsequently charged with arsin'?

Yeah, the prosecution said he was a low down dirty bum and he hasn't a leg to stand on !

Buford T. Justice XIX · 24-12-2017 6:13pm

The Buford T. Justice Christmas joke:rolleyes:

Why does Santa have no children?

He only comes once a year and ,when he does, it's down a chimney.

Merry Christmas to all and thanks for all the jokes:)

Autochange · 24-12-2017 6:18pm

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand up.

Carry · 24-12-2017 7:22pm

My daughter wants a pony for Christmas.

Well, until now we've always had turkey, but why not something different for a change?

Capt'n Midnight · 24-12-2017 11:51pm

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. “What happened to your face?” I asked.

“I’m a Paralympian,” he replied.

“Boxing?”

“No, … hurdles.”

Capt'n Midnight · 25-12-2017 12:08am

In case you don't have any cracker jokes.

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza ? Deep pan, crisp and even.

What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell

What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
1forrest1

How do Mexicans feel about Trump’s wall?
They’ll get over it.

How do trees get online?
They just log in.

Why can’t blind people eat fish?
Because it’s sea food.

I’ve decided to marry a pencil.
I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?
Because there were too many knights.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.

Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn’t see that well.

What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.

Some day, Canada will take over the world. – And then we’ll all be sorry.

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed. – 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

Autochange · 25-12-2017 12:12am

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

Microdot · 25-12-2017 12:30am

my neighbour with the big tits is walking up and down the garden topless. ...I just wish his wife would do the same.

NollagShona · 26-12-2017 11:10pm

Don't forget the Nathan Carter Christmas Special is on tonight at 9.20 - probably best to turn your TV off at 9.15 in case it starts early.

donegaLroad · 26-12-2017 11:21pm

Tampax have a new sanitary towel on the market, instead of a piece of string attached it's a piece of tinsel, but it's only for the Christmas period.

NollagShona · 27-12-2017 12:21am

donegaLroad wrote: »

Tampax have a new sanitary towel on the market, instead of a piece of string attached it's a piece of tinsel, but it's only for the Christmas period.

there are no strings on sanitary towels- that's tampons

Capt'n Midnight · 27-12-2017 1:23am

Q: Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?
A: Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

Suckit · 27-12-2017 2:07am

NollagShona wrote: »

there are no strings on sanitary towels- that's tampons

And they are only there so the crabs can go bungee jumping... :eek::P

Capt'n Midnight · 28-12-2017 12:07pm

I'm not so excited
- The Disappointer Sisters

Capt'n Midnight · 31-12-2017 10:33pm

Whenever I see a respected actor in panto I always like to shout 'It's beneath you!'

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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