Disappointed on birthday

How does this compare to previous birthdays and if it’s completely different why not just ask? In fact why not just ask anyway instead of silently carrying around resentment, tell your partner how you feel and take it from there. Personally I think you did quite well, you got a meal and a nice present from somewhere you like so it’s not like there was zero effort. If you expect more then that’s a chat you both need to have.

Thought you were going to say that he completely forgot but he booked dinner and bought you a framed print from your favourite artist..

And yet you're peeved... How long are you together? What age are you? Are you married? What do you normally do for birthdays? What do you do for his birthday?

Needs a bit more context

I wouldn't say anything.... . you'll only make your partner feel bad / guilty / annoyed by your lack of gratitude.


"Hey listen, thanks for taking me out to lunch but you didn't take me to somewhere good enough / expensive enough / exclusive enough / special enough and the present you gave me, it was only worth about €300 while I really wanted you to spend 5 times that amount on it"



Might the print be a nicer picture than some of the originals that were available? If money is no object, why not buy an original for yourself?


That said - they really should have give you a card, made a bit of a fuss and got you a decent coffee that morning.

Happy Birthday OP.

I wonder is the disappointment COVID related? I know a few neighbours had booked big parties for their significant birthdays , all cancelled due to the pandemic, and they feel hard done by. Having the party 2 years later just feels weird.

If you hoped your partner could make enough effort to make up for lack of a big party with loads of friends and family, then even if the restaurant was perfect and the print was an original instead, you potentially would still have been left feeling something was missing. I know I feel a bit robbed of my last two birthdays because I couldn’t go have a night out with my friends.

There was an effort made, you certainly were not forgotten.

Better than the lockdown birthday I had earlier this year to be honest

The restaurant thing does sound underwhelming to be fair but amid a pandemic be grateful for what you’ve got and what you had, because it could have been a lot worse and more miserable

Try having some perspective and being a bit more mature and adult about it maybe

I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like, as you haven't said, but if you put that much stock in ephemera and tokens, I can only guess its fragile enough.

If someone was completely thoughtless about a birthday, as in didn't bother to acknowledge it or didn't make the effort to make their day a little bit more special or easier for them (take the kids away for a few hours to chill, cook dinner, treat them to a massage, bring them shopping to pick out something for themselves, take the day off to do something nice), it would be one thing, but it sounds like you've actually had a fair bit of thought put into your birthday by your partner and yet you are being critical, mean spirited, churlish and ungrateful.

I remember back at the time of the crash, our money situation wasn't good and we were stressed. My birthday rolled around on a weekend and although we agreed months before to cut back on any extravagances, my wife simply made sure for the day that I didn't look at any work, didn't have to do anything much at home, cooked me nice meals herself, took out a nice bottle of wine she had stashed and for a gift bought me a special edition of a magazine I liked and made me coffee while I read it. I can promise you it was the best birthday I ever had, even when we've had money before and since, because her gift was her love and had we had even less than that, that day, it still would have been enough.

Either apologise to your partner for your attitude and start talking deeply and attentively about a few fundamentals, or do them the best favour you could and break up with them, give you both an opportunity to find something better.

Hi OP

i get that you didn't feel spoiled. that your partner missed an opportunity to make your feel special. little gestures like the coffee might have set a tone for the day.

In the cold light of day, he took you out for lunch to a restaurant you have used on more than one occasion and is im sure perfectly fine. In fact he probably thought you liked the food there.

Your 'feelings' are your not his. he didn't buy you a chicken fillet roll in spar & He is not psychic. I think your being whiny when you don't like his selection of restaurant. It sounds to me like a good choice of venue, but you were underwhelmed.

hos birthday present sounds great to me. it was thoughtful and not a cheap purchase. however once again it didn't meet your expectations. Yet looked at objectively again you come across as materialistic when you complain about what he spent - you wanted another zero on the end of the price tag! There is no need to get into a discussion i"s a print not as nice to look at?" but objectively form the outside it sounds a thoughtful gift, not cheap and its not clear why it isnt acceptable to you.

I think that either you usually get much more from your partner and this felt like a 'yellow pack' birthday in comparison to what has been given to your previously - (perhaps you can expand on that? ) or that you base a large part of your judgement on things, based on what a particular thing costs.

i have a brother in law who asks what everything costs phones, new runners etc, and compares them to what he spends. He doesn't ask how good is that phone, or how comfortable are the runners, their value to him, is simply the price tag. OP your post reminds me of him.

Oscar wilde's famous quote might apply to you

someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing

.

JustAThought wrote: »

Hi OP! Happy BIG Birthday!! If it started out mediocre reading this has now probably made it totally shyte - so sorry that its probably been totally ruined for you by now

I’m big into birthdays too and totally get where you’re coming from - especially for a big birthday - I do feel a venue that’s that bit extra special is called for and not a run of the mill meh joe bloggs spot. I’m with you on that. Maybe he couldn’t get a booking, maybe he thought the venue was nice & local and so you could get there & home easier - but I agree - he should have known you better and known you wanted to be fêted and treated like a queen for the evening - sometimes mediocre or just ok is just not enough. At least he organised something in his favour. But I agree with you. Any sign of a big cake with candles being brought out or serenading by waiters? A must on a big bday. He messed up a good chance to shine there.

Regarding the gift ge may have thought it was a great & very thoughtful one. If art isn’t his thing he might have a signed print of your favourite artist was a fantastically thoughtful & considerate fift - eapecially as everything has been shut & he would have had to organise it in secret, apend agea picking it out, buy it online, have it delivered in secret, hide it from you for weeks to have it on time etc etc. I think he did good there! Even for all the stealth ops he deserves a big star. Maybe ask him about all the logistics and see how much trouble he went to - it might make you feel better to know how much time and thought and effort he put into choosing, ordering & getting it - might give you a boost too to know all the stealth drama he engaged in!!!

I find when someone I love or have great expectations of lets me down on my birthday I really can let it upset me badly. I guess some people are much more into birthdays than others and are possibly also better at organising Ll the little thing that is the difference vetween a good day and a great day. Dosn’t mean they love you less - just that they’re less good at it. Maybe they didn’t have that all embracing crazy attention & experience when they were growing up or it dosn’t mean as much to them so they just don’t understand or get it.

You’re had a personal gift from your favourite artist & a meal out - OK - that’s what was done. Did your friends or family remember or do anything for it or is all the expectation and pressure to make it special on him? Maybe a part of you is peeved that its only him who is there for you to make the effort and that noone else has even bothered. Maybe what you’re experience is friend dissappointment too at the same time and you’ve no-one to point your feelings at bar him so his rage magnified....

I’d think about what you’d like to have done/ gone and organise this. If its a special restaurant or a overnight trip or whatever - its your special bdY present to yourself. Let him see what you’d choose but enjoy it together & don’t make it a shaming event or punishment event for him. Also buy yourself something you’d love ao you can look back when people ask and say - thats what I treated myself to for my (BIG) birthday AND my husband gave me a special signed print of my favourite artist. You don’t have to go without. Money you said wasn’t a big issue. Have the birthday you would love and enjoy it. Life is short. And far too short for dissappointing birthdays.

Happy big birthday!!!
Make a wish and mKe it come true - it dosn’t have to rest at what it was - you can make it be what you’d love and have that added sparkle. You deserve it. Happy Birthday

OP, I don't think anybody in my life has ever spent as much on my birthday as your partner seems to have spent on yours!

But it needs to viewed within the context of what birthdays in your relationship are like and how they are usually celebrated. If what happened this year was clearly less in money or effort than previous years, and clearly less than you always do for him (to the extent that he couldn't fail to notice the comparative lack of effort/cost), then maybe there is a problem.

Ah OP,
Your partners gets you an incredibly thoughtful present and takes you for dinner in a restaurant they know your enjoy, after spending a large amount on a present (if anyone came close to spending ‘a few hundred’ on me I’d have a coronary) and it’s still not enough?

Not only that, but you want to return the thoughtful gift as it’s not quite the perfect thoughtful gift

This is incredibly selfish, so much so it is borderline trolling!

If it’s true, someone’s realistic expectations need to be adjusted and it very much isn’t theirs!

i would suspect the OP thought because it was a 'significant birthday' their expectations were to be absolutely spoiled. When it was like any other birthday they posted here looking for sympathy. On a human level it is understandable that when you are disappointed it hurts.

Most of the comments here are pointing out what might be hard truths for the OP to hear.

I'm not surprised they have not commented.

Is it possible that the significance of the birthday has amplified your disappointment with what most would consider thoughtful actions by your bf. Firstly happy birthday. Second birthdays are one of the worst days for me so I understand that it can be a sh1t day.

You mentioned that you are sentimental. Was the print by your favourite artist a particular significant one that the original can’t be putchased? Or is the financial amount an issue?

Did the restaurant have any significance as a couple as you had been there before?

It is not coming across as sentimental but more like the extravaganza didn’t materialise. Understandable but your partner to me planned a thoughtful and meaningful day.

Hi OP.

If you're still reading this thread, that is.

Users have been very critical of your query, haven't they? Lots of people telling you you should be grateful to have a partner / to have had gifts or treats arranged; reminding you that there are restrictions under COVID; calling you detached from reality, entitled, selfish... not only unpleasant things to hear when you're upset, but also not really looking at things from your perspective.

You've been asked some questions but haven't responded, and they might have given a bit more context, but I can understand why you were reluctant to do that.

For some people, what you received would have been an excellent gift, but those people may have different dynamics within their relationship.

If this celebration was not in line with other significant celebrations together, I can understand your disappointment. We all have different circumstances. I'm single, for example, as is my sister, so we tend to spoil each other more than anyone else in our family for big occasions - it suits everyone, reduces the expectations for reciprocation etc.

Maybe the print you received wasn't your first choice. Is it something you like, however? Could you, as an earlier poster has mentioned, buy yourself something as a gift, to compliment this piece of art? When the heat has gone out of this, and you're less in your feelings about it, talk candidly with your partner about what gifts mean to you and how you felt based on the gifts received. It might not be how everyone sees things, but if financial value is an indicator of esteem for you, make that clear, and listen to their feedback too - they may have a similar reaction to posters on this thread, and that feedback is also valid.

Ultimately, I'm sorry you felt disappointed on your birthday if it's a big occasion for you. Nobody else can dictate what milestones mean to you, not even posters on boards. But is the issue you have an esteem one, a financial value one, an intersection of the two, or something else entirely - you deserve to get to the bottom of your upset.

rolling boh wrote: »

Think the poster bringing the monetary value of the gift into it was bound to provoke a bit of criticism also saying money was not in short supply would suggest material things are important a lot of folk will take someone up on that .

I understand where you're coming from but their financial situation is OPs business, and those criticising them because of it stinks of begrudgery, and while it does suggest that material things are important to OP, material things are important to many people, including those criticizing OP via the new phone they just got while wearing those new shoes that they didnt really need but bought anyway.