Disappointed on birthday

JustAThought

JustAThought wrote: »

Hi OP! Happy BIG Birthday!! If it started out mediocre reading this has now probably made it totally shyte - so sorry that its probably been totally ruined for you by now

I’m big into birthdays too and totally get where you’re coming from - especially for a big birthday - I do feel a venue that’s that bit extra special is called for and not a run of the mill meh joe bloggs spot. I’m with you on that. Maybe he couldn’t get a booking, maybe he thought the venue was nice & local and so you could get there & home easier - but I agree - he should have known you better and known you wanted to be fêted and treated like a queen for the evening - sometimes mediocre or just ok is just not enough. At least he organised something in his favour. But I agree with you. Any sign of a big cake with candles being brought out or serenading by waiters? A must on a big bday. He messed up a good chance to shine there.

Regarding the gift ge may have thought it was a great & very thoughtful one. If art isn’t his thing he might have a signed print of your favourite artist was a fantastically thoughtful & considerate fift - eapecially as everything has been shut & he would have had to organise it in secret, apend agea picking it out, buy it online, have it delivered in secret, hide it from you for weeks to have it on time etc etc. I think he did good there! Even for all the stealth ops he deserves a big star. Maybe ask him about all the logistics and see how much trouble he went to - it might make you feel better to know how much time and thought and effort he put into choosing, ordering & getting it - might give you a boost too to know all the stealth drama he engaged in!!!

I find when someone I love or have great expectations of lets me down on my birthday I really can let it upset me badly. I guess some people are much more into birthdays than others and are possibly also better at organising Ll the little thing that is the difference vetween a good day and a great day. Dosn’t mean they love you less - just that they’re less good at it. Maybe they didn’t have that all embracing crazy attention & experience when they were growing up or it dosn’t mean as much to them so they just don’t understand or get it.

You’re had a personal gift from your favourite artist & a meal out - OK - that’s what was done. Did your friends or family remember or do anything for it or is all the expectation and pressure to make it special on him? Maybe a part of you is peeved that its only him who is there for you to make the effort and that noone else has even bothered. Maybe what you’re experience is friend dissappointment too at the same time and you’ve no-one to point your feelings at bar him so his rage magnified....

I’d think about what you’d like to have done/ gone and organise this. If its a special restaurant or a overnight trip or whatever - its your special bdY present to yourself. Let him see what you’d choose but enjoy it together & don’t make it a shaming event or punishment event for him. Also buy yourself something you’d love ao you can look back when people ask and say - thats what I treated myself to for my (BIG) birthday AND my husband gave me a special signed print of my favourite artist. You don’t have to go without. Money you said wasn’t a big issue. Have the birthday you would love and enjoy it. Life is short. And far too short for dissappointing birthdays.

Happy big birthday!!!
Make a wish and mKe it come true - it dosn’t have to rest at what it was - you can make it be what you’d love and have that added sparkle. You deserve it. Happy Birthday

Newbie20

I find the wanting people to make a big thing of birthdays beyond maybe 18 a bit cringe tbh. I know a couple of people that make a huge thing of their birthdays and from my experience they are very often, like the OP, left disappointed and annoyed.

They expect too much. If their partner goes all out for them one year, that might keep them happy for that year. But then the next year will be a big “let down” because “they didn’t make as big an effort as last year”. From the few I know, there’s no pleasing these people.

I'm actually confused about your expectation of the restaurant, given current covid restrictions on indoor dining. Did you think your partner would be able to have an exception made to covid restrictions just for you?

As for the present - its really is the thought that counts and the gift your partner got you was very thoughtful.

My sympathy lies with your partner.

I think a little introspection and self-reflection on your expectations of others is required, OP, or your risk upsetting your partner badly.

Sulking over a present that didn't cost over a grand and a restaurant that was not good enough in your eyes, is not very grown up.

sporina

Hi OP, you say you wanna return the gift - what then? Get a refund and ask your OH to buy you the original or?

osarusan

OP, I don't think anybody in my life has ever spent as much on my birthday as your partner seems to have spent on yours!

But it needs to viewed within the context of what birthdays in your relationship are like and how they are usually celebrated. If what happened this year was clearly less in money or effort than previous years, and clearly less than you always do for him (to the extent that he couldn't fail to notice the comparative lack of effort/cost), then maybe there is a problem.

DubCount

OP. Your partner is not a mind reader. You had a pre-conceived idea of what you wanted, but this never went outside you own imagination. How was your partner to know you expected coffee in bed, or a flashier restaurant, or a more expensive present or ....... Give him a break, or at least some hints, if you want your expectations met.

Rrrrrr2

I’m going to be blunt here but some people do no realise how good they have it- you have a partner whom I presume you love? Alive and healthy. You were treated to (in my book) an expensive painting to your tastes and brought to a favourite restaurant. Talk about ingratitude and entitlement. Shocking stuff- get a grip OP

Big Bag of Chips

Rrrrrrr2, you have already been asked to read The Forum Charter and to keep your replies civil here

"I'm going to be blunt" and "get a grip" are not phrases we encourage in Personal Issues.

Please be mindful of the Forum you are posting in and post accordingly.

bennyl10

Ah OP,
Your partners gets you an incredibly thoughtful present and takes you for dinner in a restaurant they know your enjoy, after spending a large amount on a present (if anyone came close to spending ‘a few hundred’ on me I’d have a coronary) and it’s still not enough?

Not only that, but you want to return the thoughtful gift as it’s not quite the perfect thoughtful gift

This is incredibly selfish, so much so it is borderline trolling!

If it’s true, someone’s realistic expectations need to be adjusted and it very much isn’t theirs!

zerosugarbuzz

No sign of the OP since original post?

Big Bag of Chips

An onthread warning has already been given. We have no reason to believe the poster is not a genuine poster. Also posters are not required to come back to update threads. Especially one where every post has gone against them.

Personal Issues is an advice forum. Calling troll on thread, or one line comments saying the poster hasn't been back add nothing to the thread or the issue being discussed. And anybody posting on the thread are capable of seeing if the OP has been back or not, no need to point it out!

If anyone doesn't like the look of a thread, stay off it. If anyone has something to add by way of advice or opinion please feel free to contribute.

rolling boh

Assuming it was a real thread poster would know most would reply that she expects a hell of a lot for a birthday as she must know him well enough and would hardly be surprised by how he marks her birthday big one or not if you live with someone you know their thoughts on theses things .

Xterminator

i would suspect the OP thought because it was a 'significant birthday' their expectations were to be absolutely spoiled. When it was like any other birthday they posted here looking for sympathy. On a human level it is understandable that when you are disappointed it hurts.

Most of the comments here are pointing out what might be hard truths for the OP to hear.

I'm not surprised they have not commented.

Thespoofer

OP, I had an earlier post deleted ( for being too unsympathetic I presume ) but I will say this.

I think it must be hard for you now to read the comments posted ( if your thread was genuine ) as generally the majority of them are being tough on you.

We all get it wrong sometimes, this time I feel you've got it wrong.

Maybe you can now have a look at the positives from this, from the presents your partner gave to you and effort they went to.
You should feel lucky to be in a relationship, alot of people out there are very lonely.
So what if you didn't get the dream gift, fairytale whatever..

Learn from it and move on hopefully a little wiser.

joeguevara

Is it possible that the significance of the birthday has amplified your disappointment with what most would consider thoughtful actions by your bf. Firstly happy birthday. Second birthdays are one of the worst days for me so I understand that it can be a sh1t day.

You mentioned that you are sentimental. Was the print by your favourite artist a particular significant one that the original can’t be putchased? Or is the financial amount an issue?

Did the restaurant have any significance as a couple as you had been there before?

It is not coming across as sentimental but more like the extravaganza didn’t materialise. Understandable but your partner to me planned a thoughtful and meaningful day.

Emme

OP your partner gave you a framed print from the artist you like and wanted to take you out to a restaurant. Have you forgotten there are restrictions on restaurants during COVID and this may have been the best your partner could get? Also it is not as easy to get certain things now as it was pre-COVID.

I am single and if I had a partner who gave me what you got for a significant birthday I would be very happy. You come across as ungrateful and a bit of a diva. I may get red or yellow carded for saying this to you but I'm being blunt.

As a late birthday present to yourself buy yourself a nice journal and pen and every day write down three things you are grateful for. Hopefully you will start to feel better about yourself in time and stop valuing things in material terms.

You can start your gratitude journal with "I am thankful to have a caring considerate partner".

Blush_01

Hi OP.

If you're still reading this thread, that is.

Users have been very critical of your query, haven't they? Lots of people telling you you should be grateful to have a partner / to have had gifts or treats arranged; reminding you that there are restrictions under COVID; calling you detached from reality, entitled, selfish... not only unpleasant things to hear when you're upset, but also not really looking at things from your perspective.

You've been asked some questions but haven't responded, and they might have given a bit more context, but I can understand why you were reluctant to do that.

For some people, what you received would have been an excellent gift, but those people may have different dynamics within their relationship.

If this celebration was not in line with other significant celebrations together, I can understand your disappointment. We all have different circumstances. I'm single, for example, as is my sister, so we tend to spoil each other more than anyone else in our family for big occasions - it suits everyone, reduces the expectations for reciprocation etc.

Maybe the print you received wasn't your first choice. Is it something you like, however? Could you, as an earlier poster has mentioned, buy yourself something as a gift, to compliment this piece of art? When the heat has gone out of this, and you're less in your feelings about it, talk candidly with your partner about what gifts mean to you and how you felt based on the gifts received. It might not be how everyone sees things, but if financial value is an indicator of esteem for you, make that clear, and listen to their feedback too - they may have a similar reaction to posters on this thread, and that feedback is also valid.

Ultimately, I'm sorry you felt disappointed on your birthday if it's a big occasion for you. Nobody else can dictate what milestones mean to you, not even posters on boards. But is the issue you have an esteem one, a financial value one, an intersection of the two, or something else entirely - you deserve to get to the bottom of your upset.

rolling boh

Think the poster bringing the monetary value of the gift into it was bound to provoke a bit of criticism also saying money was not in short supply would suggest material things are important a lot of folk will take someone up on that .

Diceicle

rolling boh wrote: »

Think the poster bringing the monetary value of the gift into it was bound to provoke a bit of criticism also saying money was not in short supply would suggest material things are important a lot of folk will take someone up on that .

I understand where you're coming from but their financial situation is OPs business, and those criticising them because of it stinks of begrudgery, and while it does suggest that material things are important to OP, material things are important to many people, including those criticizing OP via the new phone they just got while wearing those new shoes that they didnt really need but bought anyway.

rolling boh

Don't want to go way off topic but my main point was about the money aspect and material things are important to a lot of people maybe if you buy things with your own money its a little different than expecting the same things as presents . Agree begrudgery often comes into these posts .

screamer

rolling boh wrote: »

Don't want to go way off topic but my main point was about the money aspect and material things are important to a lot of people maybe if you buy things with your own money its a little different than expecting the same things as presents . Agree begrudgery often comes into these posts .

Personally, it’s the thought that counts. I don’t understand materialistic people to be honest, but I’m no begrudged. I always say if you want something, and it makes you happy and you can afford it, go for it and I hope you enjoy it very much. I’d prefer a breakfast in bed, a homemade card from my kids etc, that would mean the world to me. I’ve my own money and I can buy things I want for myself. Still back to the OPs post, if their relationship is built on materialistic things and a big birthday splurge is the normal and expected thing, then for sure he/ she should mention it to their partner and suggest returning the print for something more lavish to commemorate the big birthday. Why not.

santana75

Expected to read the part where your husband/boyfriend completely forgot your birthday.......but he takes you out, buys you a gift(worth a couple of hundred bills) and you complain??? I have to call this out, that is shocking entitlement. There is absolutely no humility present here at all. Forget yourself, that's the best advice I can give you because if you continue to be that entitled when it comes to what you think others should give you then you will have a tough life. Forget what you think you should get and instead focus on giving what you have away......for free, with no covert contract of getting anything in return. You do that and you'll be a happy person, keep the sense of entitlement and you'll be miserable.

cloudatlas

Some people are good at gift giving others aren't. Next year make a specific list of things you like and give it to him, tell him to pick one or two. Him getting it will be the gift.

Remove the heat from the situation and get on with life. There are a lot more important things you can give each other in a relationship than a material gift like support and love. Focus on that.

cloudatlas

cloudatlas wrote: »

Some people are good at gift giving others aren't. Next year make a specific list of things you like and give it to him, tell him to pick one or two. Him getting it will be the gift.

If my one pulled that with me in this context, she'd be getting the list back with a sharp little note or two on the bottom.

The problem here isn't some thoughtless partner not knowing how to choose a gift.

cloudatlas

Deleted User wrote: »

If my one pulled that with me in this context, she'd be getting the list back with a sharp little note or two on the bottom.

The problem here isn't some thoughtless partner not knowing how to choose a gift.

She said he got things for her that she didn't like whereas he got things that he liked.

Although I agree with you that the O.P's attitude is bad I'm trying to give constructive advice that will solve the problem in future and make sure that nobody is disappointed. I know other couples who give lists to their partner and it helps, buying gifts can be anxiety inducing for some people.

Leaving 'a sharp little note' is very passive aggressive in my opinion, better to find a solution that solves the problem entirely and doesn't just exacerbate it by causing more hurt feelings.

ztoical

cloudatlas wrote: »

She said he got things for her that she didn't like whereas he got things that he liked.

He got her a print from an artist she liked and hinted about but she wanted a much more expensive original piece not a print (which still cost a couple of hundred euro). Sorry but thats out of order IMO He put thought and effort into but didn't spend enough money in her eyes

Big Bag of Chips

OP has not been back since originally posting. Thread locked.