Why don't Irish houses have bidets?

Deebles McBeebles · 11-03-2020 10:13am

Ficheall wrote: »

I always use a squirt of baby cream onto the toilet paper for the second or third approach. Works wonderfully.

- Dr Ficheall (phd in the mathematical study of holes, as it happens)

When you say "baby cream"... Well, its not the stuff you make yourself, is it?

FTA69 · 11-03-2020 10:24am

They make sense like. If you had sh*t smeared on your forearm for instance would you be content to just give it a wipe with some paper?

I'm definitely getting an arse washer in my next gaff.

Aglomerado · 11-03-2020 10:27am

Power washer from Lidl, now with arse washer attachments.

irish_goat · 11-03-2020 10:33am

I rented a house in Derry a while ago that had a bidet, never used it and I don't think anyone else did. Used them on holidays before and I have to admit, after a serious feed of spicy Asian food the night before, those washers were a pleasant experience in the morning.

Witchie · 11-03-2020 12:34pm

I love a bumgun. Don't feel clean without it so another reason I am not fond of coming home to Ireland. If I ever move back, my house will have one

JohnnyFlash · 11-03-2020 12:48pm

Water is fûck all use in cleaning your hole if you’re after 4 solid days of fried breakfasts, pints, and late night kebabs. What you need is lovely soft 4-ply toilet tissue, and lots of it.

Shlippery · 11-03-2020 12:54pm

Just back from Japan....all i'll say is...game changer.

Don't knock it til you've tried it.

Even has a little button to play a jingle.

BENDYBINN · 11-03-2020 12:57pm

Why don’t Irish houses have bitches I thought the title said.....they do and plenty of them....

Hotblack Desiato · 11-03-2020 1:00pm

Can't beat a good scrub with soap and water Johnny. You wouldn't 'clean' sh1t off your hand with only paper now would you?

sbsquarepants · 11-03-2020 1:01pm

I don't like them.

What kind of freaky fetishist enjoys squirting cold water on their balloon knot.

Fúck that shít!

kowloon · 11-03-2020 1:36pm

lertsnim wrote: »

I'd love one of those Japanese toilets.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QecplAPd-K4

Hotblack Desiato · 11-03-2020 2:20pm

sbsquarepants wrote: »

What kind of freaky fetishist enjoys squirting cold water on their balloon knot.

Some of us have hot water in our houses. Just sayin'.

Sky King · 11-03-2020 3:28pm

sbsquarepants wrote: »

What kind of freaky fetishist enjoys squirting cold water on their balloon knot.

What kind of freaky fetishes enjoys plastering sh it into all the cracks and crevices of aforementioned balloon knot?

mvl · 11-03-2020 3:29pm

glasso wrote: »

how would you know - you don't have one?

works well I can tell you :pac:

saves the hassle of installing a hose and it's portable.

Well, I probably wouldn't spend money on something with limited water supply, that's for sure.
I am not saying it is not good for its original purpose though… (while I for one would defo not need one)

11-03-2020 4:11pm

mvl wrote: »

Well, I probably wouldn't spend money on something with limited water supply, that's for sure.
I am not saying it is not good for its original purpose though… (while I for one would defo not need one)

you can always refill with water if the Klingons sent in the whole fleet.

usually not too far away from a tap in a bathroom you'd have to agree. takes about 5 seconds.

if you look on amazon for the other similar items they are very popular for this use - the wimmins thing is just another use.

just posted that model as it's the best!

Nevin Parsnipp · 11-03-2020 8:14pm

A squirt of hot water on the hoop can be ...uh ..somewhat therapeutic .

Cleans away all the ar$e debris and ground in weenies .

Quick swipe of a moistened kitten soft and you have a gleaming hoop !

What's not to like about that ? AND you have the added bonus of an unsoiled skiddi ?

byte · 11-03-2020 8:34pm

Clag-gone is yer only man!

funkey_monkey · 11-03-2020 8:37pm

How do you dry?
All toilets (most anyway) are plumbed using only cold water. To get hot water to them would be a sizable job unless you are updating the bathroom anyway.
Do you do your business on the toilet and then crab walk over to the bidet to blast off the dingle berries?

Nevin Parsnipp · 11-03-2020 8:50pm

funkey_monkey wrote: »

How do you dry?
All toilets (most anyway) are plumbed using only cold water. To get hot water to them would be a sizable job unless you are updating the bathroom anyway.
Do you do your business on the toilet and then crab walk over to the bidet to blast off the dingle berries?

No ..you do your business and "clean up" as normal...then over to the bidet w which is in VERY close proximity ...squat (Pulling the cheeks open is optional) fire a couple of " ranging" shots of water to the hoop.

Once the target ( Your Hoop) has been dialled in give her full choke and pressure and watch the few remaining flakes of dried in sh1te succumb to the onslaught and fcuck off down the pluggie.

Final wipe ..dry off...squirt of Lynx Africa...and your good for Coppers !

EmmetSpiceland · 11-03-2020 8:55pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Final wipe ..dry off...squirt of Lynx Africa...and your good for Coppers !

A very dangerous “recommendation”, I had a run-in with an aerosol as a young man. Just a little spray but god did it sting.

Nevin Parsnipp · 11-03-2020 9:03pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

A very dangerous “recommendation”, I had a run-in with an aerosol as a young man. Just a little spray but god did it sting.

Good point Spicy....should have put in a health warning ...don't squirt Lynx Africa on a bad case of Ball Rash.

Woulda thought that was kinda basic ...you obviously had plans for knobbing the waitress with the big t1tts from the Shamrock Bar ?

Understandable...

El Tarangu · 11-03-2020 9:10pm

LirW wrote: »

If you have good water pressure upstairs, there's an adapter for the toilet that you can hook up and hose your hole.

Bum gun is absolutely the way to go.

More hygienic - your hand doesn't go anywhere near the fecal matter
Better for the environment - a looooad of electricity and water go into making each sheet of toilet paper
Less material for the sewer system to handle
Cheaper! Much cheaper!
You never run out, you don't suffer if there is a run on toilet paper (as now)

Best of all is the lovely clean refreshed feeling your bumhole feels after a blast of the sphincter rinser

:o

Galwayguy35 · 11-03-2020 9:49pm

byte wrote: »

Clag-gone is yer only man!

He probably peddled away his ballsack as well.

Purple Mountain · 11-03-2020 9:50pm

endacl wrote: »

Don’t do that. Even though the wipes themselves are flushable, a huge proportion of Irish plumbing uses old pipes that can’t handle them.

Just put them in the bin beside the toilet!

NSAman · 11-03-2020 9:54pm

sbsquarepants wrote: »

What kind of freaky fetishist enjoys squirting cold water on their balloon knot.

Fúck that shít!

If you are into Scat then that is your prerogative.

Some of us have warm water in our Bidets... they work fine, as does a shower head at the side of the toilet (which is very useful in these toilet paper hoarding times)

Grueller Baby · 11-03-2020 9:59pm

Ah bidets.... the kid's toilet.

Seamai · 11-03-2020 10:12pm

funkey_monkey wrote: »

How do you dry?
All toilets (most anyway) are plumbed using only cold water. To get hot water to them would be a sizable job unless you are updating the bathroom anyway.
Do you do your business on the toilet and then crab walk over to the bidet to blast off the dingle berries?

I noticed that there always seemed to be a face cloth on the edge of the bidets in restaurant toilets in Portugal. Hope there's not the same one for everyone.

Seamai · 11-03-2020 10:20pm

I'd have found a bidet very useful a few years ago when I had a pilonidal sinus removed. For six weeks I had to sit over the edge of the bath sluicing out my raw man gash with the shower head, three times a day for the first 2 weeks.

NSAman · 11-03-2020 10:23pm

Seamai wrote: »

I'd have found a bidet very useful a few years ago when I had a pilonidal sinus removed. For six weeks I had to sit over the edge of the bath sluicing out my raw man gash with the shower head, three times a day for the first 2 weeks.

Hopefully your man gash recovered?

haydoyo · 11-03-2020 10:26pm

A sponge is a good way of never having to buy toilet paper.

Just rinse it out once your done!

the_pen_turner · 11-03-2020 10:27pm

Seamai wrote: »

I'd have found a bidet very useful a few years ago when I had a pilonidal sinus removed. For six weeks I had to sit over the edge of the bath sluicing out my raw man gash with the shower head, three times a day for the first 2 weeks.

TMI has never been more apropriate

Seamai · 11-03-2020 10:28pm

NSAman wrote: »

Hopefully your man gash recovered?

It did perfectly thanks, amazing how something so big filled in leaving just a shiny scar.

Rufeo · 11-03-2020 10:30pm

Some how threads on here always get back to shyte. There's some sick b.astard on here who needs help. Get yourself some help. Haha.

EmmetSpiceland · 11-03-2020 10:35pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Just put them in the bin beside the toilet!

Like a Greek. So gross.

11-03-2020 10:37pm

you don't need to be concerned with drying your hole really after using bum gun / bidet bottle job / hose

just a final confirmatory wipe with bog roll will serve the dual purpose to verify that your ring is indeed clean as a whistle and to soak up any remaining water droplets

Ficheall · 11-03-2020 10:43pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

When you say "baby cream"... Well, its not the stuff you make yourself, is it?

It is not, no.. I don't think that stuff would help the situation at all.

https://www.tesco.ie/groceries/Product/Details/?id=301891859

Seamai · 11-03-2020 11:00pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Like a Greek. So gross.

I remember years ago staying in a pension on a small Greek island and coming back one evening after the beach, it was 40 degrees and someone had forgotten to empty the bin.

Hotblack Desiato · 11-03-2020 11:08pm

funkey_monkey wrote: »

All toilets (most anyway) are plumbed using only cold water. To get hot water to them would be a sizable job unless you are updating the bathroom anyway.

Yeah, there won't be a waste pipe for a bidet either, so you'll need that too. Who knew that a plumbing fixture would need plumbing...? :rolleyes:

FGR · 12-03-2020 2:21am

glasso wrote: »

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Large-650ml-Peri-Bottle-Postpartum/dp/B07FXXT7FH/ref=sxin_4_ac_d_rm?ac_md=2-2-cGVyaSBib3R0bGU%3D-ac_d_rm&cv_ct_cx=bidet+bottle&keywords=bidet+bottle&pd_rd_i=B07FXXT7FH&pd_rd_r=d020f98e-641e-4009-a7b9-38214d3540f2&pd_rd_w=CgAZy&pd_rd_wg=vCbpl&pf_rd_p=121b3348-0e58-4e9d-98fe-f834bdd7238d&pf_rd_r=NP2SM3G7GDEMHGJH06Z0&psc=1&qid=1583854226

these things are actually brilliant. well worth it!

the klingon invaders don't stand a chance with this bad boy.

no need for a hose.

The description for this one (amazon's #1 best seller apparently!) is straight to the point!

Portable Travel Bidet, Personal Bidet Sprayer for Kids Ass Washing,Pregnant Women Cleansing, Postpartum Clean, Handheld Travel Bidet with 450ML Water Capacity and Angled Nozzle Spray

Hotblack Desiato · 12-03-2020 2:28am

FGR wrote: »

The description for this one (amazon's #1 best seller apparently!) is straight to the point!

"Kids Ass Washing"

Need the mansize version.

the purple tin · 12-03-2020 10:54am

Bidet would be seen as 'having notions'.

Sac O Spuds · 12-03-2020 11:17am

You'd end up having to install them in all the bathrooms in a house. Ensuites are small enough without another fixture. Would or do people actually use them?

Hotblack Desiato · 12-03-2020 11:24am

You wouldn't. We are a one-pot household unfortunately, but I hear that many of those who are more endowed in the toilet department have "designated" pots to accept the heavier loads. e.g. no shyteing in the poorly ventilated en-suite.

Oranage2 · 12-03-2020 11:44am

Could the government for their dole just make the unemployed go around and use their hand to wipe the workers backside?

jimgoose · 12-03-2020 11:51am

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

No ..you do your business and "clean up" as normal...then over to the bidet w which is in VERY close proximity ...squat (Pulling the cheeks open is optional) fire a couple of " ranging" shots of water to the hoop.

Once the target ( Your Hoop) has been dialled in give her full choke and pressure and watch the few remaining flakes of dried in sh1te succumb to the onslaught and fcuck off down the pluggie.

Final wipe ..dry off...squirt of Lynx Africa...and your good for Coppers !

I'd substitute Old Spice body-spray for the Lynx Africa, but this man spake trath. Just the ticket after a dump worthy of a Caterpillar 994K. :cool:

Firefork · 12-03-2020 11:53am

You’d have to turn the immersion on

smurfjed · 12-03-2020 12:13pm

Just had my 3 bathrooms renovated and had bum-guns installed in all of them. Great for the arse and removing skid marks on the bowl before the wife sees them.