What's the etiquette here??

MonkstownHoop · 15-10-2020 10:27am

First time I've actually winced reading this thread

SEPT 23 1989 · 15-10-2020 10:34am

Mother of Jaysus:(

Pintman Paddy Losty · 15-10-2020 10:37am

It was good while it lasted.

I think it's time to lock it up.

Borderfox · 15-10-2020 10:38am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Was in the ‘Kok couple of years ago, stayed in a flashy hotel ‘ State Tower ‘or something.

Doors to the room balcony were welded shut.

When I inquired why, was told too many ‘golfers’ especially from the UK were coming one-way tickets- taking out the life savings, spunking the lot on the young wans,ladyboys, golf, and dhrink.

Then when the dosh ran out, the one way ticket over the balcony.

I heard quite a few of those "suicides" had their hands and legs tied and a new will

EmmetSpiceland · 15-10-2020 10:43am

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

It was good while it lasted.

I think it's time to lock it up.

Don’t be absurd. This thread provides excellent “advice” and support to so many on this site.

Sure, we all have a good “laugh” every now and then but, above all, this thread is about enlightenment.

15-10-2020 11:04am

Another downside of this pandemic, cleaners going overboard in the work/gym facilities. Its getting to the stage where I can't take some well earned "company time" anymore and have to go home for lunch to avoid the ***** and take a dump in peace.
I had to goose step my way home from the gym this morning too, finished my workout and was going to drop one off before leaving but no, the traps were being cleaned there as well. Things were already going into motion in anticipation of the impending release, it was a brisk uncomfortable walk back home with one or two close calls :mad:

gerrybbadd · 15-10-2020 11:05am

AdrianBalboa wrote: »

I have a very hairy arsehole for a woman (this is more common than you think!) and I noticed after absent-mindedly picking my hole on the toilet today dried flakes of ****e sprinkled over the paper in the bowl.

My husband and I have a very anilingual-friendly relationship (well, I receive only) and he's commented on the flakiness in the past himself, after chowing down on the chocolate donut.

My question is, with all of this in mind, what would be your thoughts on the idea of pranking my husband by presenting him a home-made cappuchino and telling him the chocolate topping are flakes from my arsehole? His birthday is coming up.

Ah jaysus, an arsehole like a crow looking out of a bush, and now you want to sprinkle on the mustangs onto the hubbie's coffee?

I've had a think and i reckon, ya know what - go for it. If he's down there lapping away like a spaniel on hot chips, he's already imbibing plenty of them already. He must like it.

Must save on dental floss...

Hotblack Desiato · 15-10-2020 11:13am

tgdaly wrote: »

Just sat down for a Sir John Harrington there.

You're going to have to explain that one.

Trouser Snake wrote: »

Spent the last few days on site with one of the major pharma, jaysus they're a dour lot.
Full PPE on all the time prolly explains it, hinders free will when it comes to doing number 2s.

Here you go

Survive to Fight

How to take a shyte while wearing full NBC gear.

"Toilet paper must be protected from contamination" well you really don't want to get mustard gas on your hoop...

AdrianBalboa · 15-10-2020 11:19am

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Ah jaysus, an arsehole like a crow looking out of a bush, and now you want to sprinkle on the mustangs onto the hubbie's coffee?

I've had a think and i reckon, ya know what - go for it. If he's down there lapping away like a spaniel on hot chips, he's already imbibing plenty of them already. He must like it.

Must save on dental floss...

There will be no actual sprinking of ****e.

EmmetSpiceland · 15-10-2020 11:20am

AdrianBalboa wrote: »

There will be no actual sprinking of ****e.

Wash yer arse, luv.

Hotblack Desiato · 15-10-2020 11:26am

If funds don't permit waxing, rolls of duct tape are going cheap in Lidl at the moment.

gerrybbadd · 15-10-2020 12:03pm

Beware the waxing though Adrian, or you might end up with a brown eye looking like Rocky after 15 rounds with Apollo Creed.

Some of our seasoned and valued contributors have also reported of loss of "muffling" effect when the hair has been removed, so that's something else to be mindful of. There's potential there to let off some right howlers that would have otherwise have been somewhat silent, given the back bush you've lovingly cultivated

Hector Savage · 15-10-2020 12:36pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

For sure B.

Left her with both sides like a carpet with ground in beef stroganoff.

Who the fuherke has a woolen pan seat these days.

Lad should have ‘top decked’ the kip and dipped every toothbrush in the cistern.

Incredible.

Christ I forgot about them ....
mankey ...

15796498840d687999fcaa22bff3f3580e0a819d6f_thumbnail_x460.webp

Hector Savage · 15-10-2020 1:48pm

AdrianBalboa wrote: »

I have a very hairy arsehole for a woman (this is more common than you think!) and I noticed after absent-mindedly picking my hole on the toilet today dried flakes of ****e sprinkled over the paper in the bowl.

My husband and I have a very anilingual-friendly relationship (well, I receive only) and he's commented on the flakiness in the past himself, after chowing down on the chocolate donut.

My question is, with all of this in mind, what would be your thoughts on the idea of pranking my husband by presenting him a home-made cappuchino and telling him the chocolate topping are flakes from my arsehole? His birthday is coming up.

10152610_234720306719929_3948789999912478345_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_sid=09cbfe&_nc_ohc=8JGRuQxUvcoAX_m9itt&_nc_ht=scontent-mad1-1.xx&oh=211c65087c4cc41c50fb68952089c0fd&oe=5FABEDB2

MonkstownHoop wrote: »

First time I've actually winced reading this thread

Yep!!!

me too!!

Hector Savage · 15-10-2020 1:54pm

https://youtu.be/dd_eAcnWP_8

Story starts at around 1min ....

@Sideways ??

tgdaly · 15-10-2020 2:10pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

You're going to have to explain that one.

Sir John Harington (also spelled Harrington, baptised 4 August 1560 – 20 November 1612), of Kelston, but baptised in London, was an English courtier, author and translator, popularly known as the inventor of the flush toilet.

Brendan Bendar · 15-10-2020 4:48pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Christ I forgot about them ....
mankey ...

You could boil one of those and get hot piss soup.

IAMAMORON · 15-10-2020 4:53pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

You could boil one of those and get hot piss soup.

I would imagine you are a two flick hero Bren, more than two for you is a good as a needle and crank.

Ya filthy bolleex.

I would say the missus has you using the pan out the back door. If she has any sense she has the en suite locked 24/7. Keep you in check.

JohnnyFlash · 15-10-2020 4:58pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

I would imagine you are a two flick hero Bren, more than two for you is a good as a needle and crank.

Ya filthy bolleex.

I would say the missus has you using the pan out the back door. If she has any sense she has the en suite locked 24/7. Keep you in check.

Fücker dug a long drop out in the back garden and uses a paint bucket with a hole in it as a seat. Uses an old golf towel to clean himself up.

Disgusting individual.

Brendan Bendar · 15-10-2020 5:10pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

I would imagine you are a two flick hero Bren, more than two for you is a good as a needle and crank.

Ya filthy bolleex.

I would say the missus has you using the pan out the back door. If she has any sense she has the en suite locked 24/7. Keep you in check.

Are you up to your neck in cheap Eastern European lager, I?

I can see you now sitting on the sofa, legs spread, watching Bullseye on Gold.

Surrounded by cans, half of them filled with piss,and the grey trakkies soaked in cold piss and worked in Chicago Town pizzas.

Large sepia coloured stain of loose midden dominating the the back of the sofa, which is called the ‘wow factor’.

Sort yersel out, sahib.

IAMAMORON · 15-10-2020 5:41pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Are you up to your neck in cheap Eastern European lager, I?

I can see you now sitting on the sofa, legs spread, watching Bullseye on Gold.

Surrounded by cans, half of them filled with piss,and the grey trakkies soaked in cold piss and worked in Chicago Town pizzas.

Large sepia coloured stain of loose midden dominating the the back of the sofa, which is called the ‘wow factor’.

Sort yersel out, sahib.

Excuse me sprinkle dick?

I have never ever worn a grey tracksuit in my entire life, what do you think I am, some sort of feral skanger living off the M50?

Different gravy over here monsieur Bendar, you would probably drive through town to save on the toll, skinflints like yourself could do with a douse a manners. I doubt you've washed your car since Easter? It probably smells like burnt turnip.

I can see you teeing up on Saturday with a bag of Ultra's you bought in Arnott's at the sales last January. I would say ya sprayed the seat down there also?

Brendan Bendar · 15-10-2020 5:51pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Excuse me sprinkle dick?

I have never ever worn a grey tracksuit in my entire life, what do you think I am, some sort of feral skanger living off the M50?

Different gravy over here monsieur Bendar, you would probably drive through town to save on the toll, skinflints like yourself could do with a douse a manners. I doubt you've washed your car since Easter? It probably smells like burnt turnip.

I can see you teeing up on Saturday with a bag of Ultra's you bought in Arnott's at the sales last January. I would say ya sprayed the seat down there also?

I have no problem with being insulted but.....
accusing someone of playing golf with ‘Ultras’ deserves a severe ban.

Mods.... please take action on that serious insult

I’m not a taxi driver, dude.

IAMAMORON · 15-10-2020 6:03pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I have no problem with being insulted but.....
accusing someone of playing golf with ‘Ultras’ deserves a severe ban.

Mods.... please take action on that serious insult

I’m not a taxi driver, dude.

I would say your too cheap to fork out for a dozen Topflight xl's the way you are carrying on. No point squealing for the mods either.

I would say you have your local Lidl drained dry of Excelsior? I can see you developing a pile of cans out the back garden that the gippos would be proud of. The neighbours are in tears at this stage, draggin the whole road down the swanny.

JohnnyFlash · 15-10-2020 6:03pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I have no problem with being insulted but.....
accusing someone of playing golf with ‘Ultras’ deserves a severe ban.

Mods.... please take action on that serious insult

I’m not a taxi driver, dude.

Heard you were banned from Kinsealy Driving Range for robbing range balls. Stored them in the gusset of your comfort fit Guiney's chinos.

AdrianBalboa · 15-10-2020 7:45pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Heard you were banned from Kinsealy Driving Range for robbing range balls. Stored them in the gusset of your comfort fit Guiney's chinos.

That particular poster strikes me as someone who gets a new Octavia every year but keeps an slightly torn white St Bernard shopping bag from the 1980s filled with photos in the attic. Tries to come across as profligate but still too cheap to buy a photo album.

Brendan Bendar · 15-10-2020 8:08pm

What the fuuuherke is this,.?

Take a cut at the Brenner week or summit.?

Never convicted of anything.....well if you discount a night in the cells in Chiswick, and an appearance in the Hyde Assizes, and a night in the Surry Hills lock up following an altercation outside the Stonewall in Darlinghurst.

Fooherke off, kernts here wouldn’t be ashamed to announce a ‘Molitor3’ as their ball of choice on the 1st tee.

Cretins.

tjdaly · 15-10-2020 8:14pm

We had a student lodger staying with us a few years ago from Spain. The cabbage and bacon seemed to play havok with his interiors and the poor lad could often be heard sprinting to the toilet on the upper floor at all hours of the night.

Lots of acoustics: low pitched rumbles and honks, frail wavering sobs, grunting, anal splutterings and blasts from a trumpet, and long drawn out squeals like air excaping from a balloon.

We'd put him on turnip and bacon the next day, then beef stew with pearl barley, and then back around to cabbage and bacon again. It's a wonder he got any studying done at all. The walls of the bathroom were flecked with chite when he left. Teeny tiny brown spots and granules all over the place. You filthy little prick pepe. And he had his eye on a lass in the summer school but he spent so much time on the pot I think they never consummated.

JohnnyFlash · 15-10-2020 9:56pm

Nothing like a massive feed of bacon, cabbage, mustard and floury spuds with a pint of milk. Far from causing a dose of the scuts, I’ve always found it leads to a lovely smooth turd the next day - like bunting out a length of shiny black turf.

sligojoek · 15-10-2020 10:14pm

Agreed, John. Lots of bulk. Gives the tubes a good exercising.

Trouser Snake · 15-10-2020 10:53pm

Bunting out bucket loads all day, the back door is shaking like an archer's arrow. If a trawler delivered what eels I eased out today they'd be moored half season.
Not good, hope it's a 12 hour thing.

AdrianBalboa · 16-10-2020 9:33am

tjdaly wrote: »

We had a student lodger staying with us a few years ago from Spain. The cabbage and bacon seemed to play havok with his interiors and the poor lad could often be heard sprinting to the toilet on the upper floor at all hours of the night.

Lots of acoustics: low pitched rumbles and honks, frail wavering sobs, grunting, anal splutterings and blasts from a trumpet, and long drawn out squeals like air excaping from a balloon.

We'd put him on turnip and bacon the next day, then beef stew with pearl barley, and then back around to cabbage and bacon again. It's a wonder he got any studying done at all. The walls of the bathroom were flecked with chite when he left. Teeny tiny brown spots and granules all over the place. You filthy little prick pepe. And he had his eye on a lass in the summer school but he spent so much time on the pot I think they never consummated.

I had a similar problem when I went to the Gaeltacht years ago. Bacon and cabbage. Oven fries. Meat boiled to fossilisation. Ketchup. The kind of sludge my grandparents stopped eating in the 1950s.

Unfortunately one of my bunk mates told the boy I fancied in the village who went on to coin the nickname “Clocha Beaga” for me. My therapist said I’ve held a grudge against men and the Irish language ever since which is bollocks.

gerrybbadd · 16-10-2020 11:20am

Trouser Snake wrote: »

Bunting out bucket loads all day, the back door is shaking like an archer's arrow. If a trawler delivered what eels I eased out today they'd be moored half season.
Not good, hope it's a 12 hour thing.

Username checks out

padd b1975 · 16-10-2020 12:01pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

What the fuuuherke is this,.?

Take a cut at the Brenner week or summit.?

Never convicted of anything.....well if you discount a night in the cells in Chiswick, and an appearance in the Hyde Assizes, and a night in the Surry Hills lock up following an altercation outside the Stonewall in Darlinghurst.

Fooherke off, kernts here wouldn’t be ashamed to announce a ‘Molitor3’ as their ball of choice on the 1st tee.

Cretins.

Quick adjustment of the elasticated waist on the chinos, a swig of Lucozade, grip the Wilson like a hurley and aim a mile left.

Am I right?

JohnnyFlash · 16-10-2020 12:48pm

padd b1975 wrote: »

Quick adjustment of the elasticated waist on the chinos, a swig of Lucozade, grip the Wilson like a hurley and aim a mile left.

Am I right?

Probably releases a beefy queefer of a fart, and a flick away of the Benson before assuming his stance.

Leaving the back of his Dunnes y-fronts like Kurt Cobain’s ceiling.

Dirty bastard.

Bullocks · 16-10-2020 1:17pm

AdrianBalboa wrote: »

I had a similar problem when I went to the Gaeltacht years ago. Bacon and cabbage. Oven fries. Meat boiled to fossilisation. Ketchup. The kind of sludge my grandparents stopped eating in the 1950s.

Unfortunately one of my bunk mates told the boy I fancied in the village who went on to coin the nickname “Clocha Beaga” for me. My therapist said I’ve held a grudge against men and the Irish language ever since which is bollocks.

Maybe you should revisit the Gaeltacht and drop a few "clóchaí móra" to help rid yourself of those grudges and save on visiting a therapist. There is a supermac's in spiddal and a Chinese in Carraroe now so you wouldn't be stuck for good eating this time.....

Hector Savage · 16-10-2020 2:14pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

The fcnuking bang of dense dried in midden into sweaty corduroy trousers would surely prevent me from attending.

Balding cnunts with comb overs, and stale spend would de rigeur.

Not nice people...

Jaysus Brennar .... speak for yourself eh ?
I seem to remember meeting you at some conference years ago , mustard dirty chinos that were too short , odd socks and a greasy combover,
Cracking dad jokes to women 20 years younger whilst knocking back cheap pilsner - occasionally wandering over to the bar to crop dust the place with rancid arse fog - fooling no one ....

I believe you were kicked out for destroying two of the dunnies in the place - rumours were it sounded like a 2 gallon bucket of mackerel being dropped to a tiled floor from a height - you gave me a lift in your 1996 ford escort , bang of stale scallops and rotten turnips of the inside - empty plastic bottles of linden village littering The place - could barely sit.

Tragic figure, but confident and happy at least ...

AdrianBalboa · 16-10-2020 3:58pm

Bullocks wrote: »

Maybe you should revisit the Gaeltacht and drop a few "clóchaí móra" to help rid yourself of those grudges and save on visiting a therapist. There is a supermac's in spiddal and a Chinese in Carraroe now so you wouldn't be stuck for good eating this time.....

I might find a Chinese in the Gaeltacht but I won’t find much Irish!

I have taken to putting flaxseed into my morning porridge of late and now wiping my arse after a ****e feels like cleaning up a melted ice cream from under a carseat. It’s not just voluminous but there’s virtually no structural integrity. Not good news for the bedroom!

Bullocks · 16-10-2020 6:02pm

AdrianBalboa wrote: »

I might find a Chinese in the Gaeltacht but I won’t find much Irish!

I have taken to putting flaxseed into my morning porridge of late and now wiping my arse after a ****e feels like cleaning up a melted ice cream from under a carseat. It’s not just voluminous but there’s virtually no structural integrity. Not good news for the bedroom!

If himself gets a flax seed lodged in the japs eye your bedroom antics will certainly suffer. That flaxseed is a waste of time

EmmetSpiceland · 16-10-2020 6:08pm

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Sounds like you need to visit the vet..

By the sounds of it her fella will be “encountering” soldiers who still think the war is going on.

Brendan Bendar · 16-10-2020 8:04pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Jaysus Brennar .... speak for yourself eh ?
I seem to remember meeting you at some conference years ago , mustard dirty chinos that were too short , odd socks and a greasy combover,
Cracking dad jokes to women 20 years younger whilst knocking back cheap pilsner - occasionally wandering over to the bar to crop dust the place with rancid arse fog - fooling no one ....

I believe you were kicked out for destroying two of the dunnies in the place - rumours were it sounded like a 2 gallon bucket of mackerel being dropped to a tiled floor from a height - you gave me a lift in your 1996 ford escort , bang of stale scallops and rotten turnips of the inside - empty plastic bottles of linden village littering The place - could barely sit.

Tragic figure, but confident and happy at least ...

Jaysus... that’s that douche Parsnipp you described.

Arse of the trousers stiff with dried in midden and a swarm of bluebottles circling like a cloud.

Some of them spiraling to to ground overcome by fumes.

JohnnyFlash · 16-10-2020 8:23pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Jaysus... that’s that douche Parsnipp you described.

'The Nev' hasn't been spotted in a few weeks. Heard his car (Ford Orion 1988 - Chocolate Brown colour) has been parked outside the parochial house down in Kinvara. Must be 'cocooning' with Fr. Phelim 'Belter' Madden.

Voodoomelon · 16-10-2020 9:58pm

I laughed for 5 minutes solid reading the last page. Gold.

EmmetSpiceland · 16-10-2020 10:05pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Is she a Connie I wonder with a surname like that. Let's just say that J. Flash has had plenty of success with the women out that neck of the woods over the years.

:cool:

Are they the ones who say they’re “descended” from seals? Strange, dark, folk out that way. Think some of those Coneeleys took part in the Plantation of Meath.

IAMAMORON · 16-10-2020 10:20pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Are they the ones who say they’re “descended” from seals? Strange, dark, folk out that way. Think some of those Coneeleys took part in the Plantation of Meath.

Coons or Cooney's?

I hear Dunshaughlin is rife?

hurikane · 16-10-2020 11:09pm

Good thread getting ruined here.

Hego Damask · 16-10-2020 11:16pm

Voodoomelon wrote: »

I laughed for 5 minutes solid reading the last page. Gold.

The quality has shot up allright!

I love the jibing between posters !!

****ing hilarious, dying laughing here

Hotblack Desiato · 17-10-2020 12:02am

AdrianBalboa wrote: »

My husband never penetrates my anus

He'd need a machete on the end of his member to get through that thicket.

Anyone who’s ever had to clean ice cream off a baby’s face will know what I mean regarding the cleaning.

Most people who have been in care of a baby have been much more worried about cleaning the other end.

EmmetSpiceland · 17-10-2020 12:07am

Think I’ll have to drink a shot of vegetable, or sunflower, oil before bed. Rapeseed, if we have it.

Have had two days now of, very dry, clay-like “deposits”. On the upside, there’s basically been one wipe, just to check.

Two days of “magics” but they’ve been hard work. Fair amount of push required to get it all out. Thankfully, I’m getting the full “evac” too. If the cutter engaged a little too soon there’d be no getting the rest out.

The oil should add some, much needed, lubrication. Not sure I can take another “dry heave”.

Hotblack Desiato · 17-10-2020 12:15am

It's been officially renamed "non-consensual seed" E. Just so you know.

Plenty posters on the Motors forum who are into "claying" their cars, maybe you can help them out.

Trouser Snake · 17-10-2020 12:24am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Think I’ll have to drink a shot of vegetable, or sunflower, oil before bed. Rapeseed, if we have it.

Have had two days now of, very dry, clay-like “deposits”. On the upside, there’s basically been one wipe, just to check.

Two days of “magics” but they’ve been hard work. Fair amount of push required to get it all out. Thankfully, I’m getting the full “evac” too. If the cutter engaged a little too soon there’d be no getting the rest out.

The oil should add some, much needed, lubrication. Not sure I can take another “dry heave”.

Cod liver oil E, nothing bates it. The old man was a staunch beetroot man for the same reasons, never saw the evidence so couldn't comment.
Mind you the ma would be up early the morning after serving such boiled beetroot, who says they don't know us best wha?

After that, no good advice, nowt worse than a dehydrated ****e.

What's the etiquette here??

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