Doubts about GF

LegacyUser · 15-06-2021 11:01am #1

Hi All,

Long term viewer of this thread and decided to make an account. Apologies for the long post.

To set the scene, I've been seeing someone since August and we've been officially going out since January. I'm a 28 year old male and she's 27, she's my first real girlfriend and the first person I've been intimate with, she's a lot more experienced than me with regards to relationships. I realize I'm quite old and late to the party with regards to relationships and sex but I was highly insecure and also didn't enjoy rejection so largely avoided it throughout my life (I know very silly on my part). I decided to give online dating a go last year to see what it was like and met a few girls that didn't really go anywhere.

I met my current gf online in August and we got on fairly well instantly and I was surprised how unawkward we were in person and went from there really. We decided to officially start going out just after Christmas and things were going well but she started to get more and more annoyed at things I was doing and I'd always ask her to tell me about it then and there to avoid it lingering and I made an effort to stop doing those things (for example, my sense of humor was very lad centric which she didn't like, so I toned it down a lot when she asked me to). I always followed that approach when she got annoyed but she'd continue to get pissed off about really small things or things that previously wasn't a problem and I confronted her about it one day to which she said it was that time of the month and would always choc it up to that whenever she gets annoyed over something trivial. While I understood, her doing this causes me to suppress my real self fully from her and I find myself frequently walking on egg shells not to annoy her.

Additionally, she's progressively got more overweight since we first met and I didn't mind originally as lockdown was tough on everyone but she doesn't want to change her diet (which is the most important thing for weight loss)or her exercise routine which she's showed me and it's clear to see why it's not working. Additionally she doesn't have a proper job, she does the odd bit here and there but nothing concrete, she's very fond of days off and will decide not to go into work if she's having a bad day or not feeling it.

She's a very emotional person and can get upset quite easily at very simple things and can start crying over something that's not a big deal like accidentally killing a fly or losing some really insignificant material item that can be replaced and that I know has no sentimental value.

I very rarely get annoyed at her, always try and be there for her to solve her problems, always agree to what she wants. In contrast to her, I look after myself physically, have a good career that's well paid and quite easy going in general and don't get upset very easily.

I'm worried about this long term, she mentions how she wants a family and we look at houses for sale in shop windows sometimes when we are out and about. As much as I like her, I'm not happy with some of her behaviors and I've tried to discuss this with her (always in a constructive way)but it leads to her getting majorly upset. I've told her to be honest with me about my own faults which she is and it's something I'll always take on board as constructive but it doesn't happen like that when the tables are turned and she always takes it the wrong way.

Her poor work ethic and her lack of desire to seriously look after her diet and physical health bothers me along with her attitude to hearing constructive feedback and how annoyed and upset she can get over small things. Part of me thinks that she'll eventually grow out of this so I overlook everything but another part of me is worried she'll stay this way and sees me as a free meal ticket as someone to support her so she doesn't have to work and can take advantage of. For instance, she never makes an attempt to pay for things and takes it for granted that I'll pay and expects me to buy her things without outright telling me or even dropping hints and gets annoyed when I don't get anything.

I hate thinking like this but there's always a nagging doubt in my head that I'm settling for her because I'm so inexperienced in relationships and I could do better with someone who I can be myself around a bit more and will be less needy emotionally and financially and be able to look after themselves. I always feel like I'm making the effort and compromising to her demands to keep her happy but there's always something I'm not doing right which she'll call me up on despite always placating her.

Again, this all comes off quite negative and I do want to emphasize that like her and she is very open about how much she likes me. I realize some of my concerns are very common in all relationships and from speaking to friends there's some common traits my gf has with theirs that I suppose we all have to live with and there's been much more good days than bad with her in my life.

Just wondering if I could get some peoples thoughts on if I'm being a superficial clown or if there is a reason for genuine concern here.

mohawk · 15-06-2021 2:54pm

Hi OP there is a lot going on with your post.

Do you feel like you are changing who you are to try make this girl happy, because there is only so long you can do this and it will make you miserable. Yeah not making lad jokes isn’t a big deal but what else have you stopped doing so not to upset her.

On her not having a proper job and takes days off whenever she feels like it. This seems like an area you guys are incompatible in. When you look at houses whose salary do you think will pay for it all. A serious relationship means you guys are a team.

The weight issue again seems like an area that you guys aren’t compatible in. You take care of your food and exercise while it’s not a priority for her.

It’s still very early days and there are a few things that have rightfully given you doubts over the relationship. You talk about sounding negative, but it sounds like your walking on eggshells in the relationship and if that is the case it takes a toll on a person.

Being inexperienced in relationships is no reason to stay in the first one your in. I would also say it’s not a good idea to be in a relationship when you want the person to change. Maybe she will change but most likely she won’t.

OU812 · 15-06-2021 3:05pm

Move on.

Despite being late to the party (so to speak), you’re started now, relationships are like ice cream. The first one you have is the most incredible experience and you feel like you could eat this for the rest of your life, but you should go try a few more flavours before you decide on your favourite.

She’s too much work and won’t change. Find someone that makes you happy.

YellowLead · 15-06-2021 3:17pm

I think you deserve better than somebody you have to walk on eggshells over. She sounds like hard work for not a lot of reward, other than she wants to be your girlfriend. But what is SHE bringing to the table. Overall she sounds sort of lazy and unmotivated and overly sensitive. I doubt that is going to change.

Now you have some experience behind you, you can get back to dating and find somebody whose personality is more compatible in the long term.

bottlebrush · 15-06-2021 4:14pm

The dating phase of a relationship is as good as it gets. This is the person she is - needy, emotional, defensive, judgemental, poor work ethic.
You wonder if she will grow out of it or never change. She may change temporarily if she feels you pulling away but revert to who she really is after you commit to her by marriage and after you have kids. And you'll spend the rest of your days walking on eggshells.
You are modifying your whole being to adjust to another person's requirements, a person who does nothing in return, besides, as another poster said, being your girlfriend.
Liking her is not enough for the long haul, you have to be compatible. There must be give and take.

You're lucky you are seeing the red flags at this early stage. And as the saying goes - when a person shows you their true colours, believe them the first time.

whiskeyman · 15-06-2021 4:25pm

You've written very little positives about her.

Move on now.

LegacyUser · 15-06-2021 4:36pm

Hi All,

Thanks for the response, I really appreciate taking time to read my post which I know was a lot of information to take in so thank you.

In response to Mohawk - Regarding changing who I am, anytime she gets upset is largely around a silly comment I'll make that's meant as a joke or providing a solution to a problem she has which she'll ask my advice on which she takes the wrong way even though I would never intentionally hurt her. I haven't drastically changed myself as a person but I'm a jester by nature and sometimes she takes it the wrong way. She has gotten a lot better at telling me as she used to just pretend everything was fine and stay silent but has thankfully improved drastically on that.

Regarding the house situation, I've been saving for a deposit for a house for years and have a plan in place with a budget outlined to buy as a single buyer which I was following before I met her. She wants a palace while I want something very simple, I've mentioned to her that she needs to start taking saving as seriously as I do or else the palace is never going to be a reality (And even if she does, with prices these days it probably wont anyway LOL). I wouldn't say she's poor financially but she could do much better and has literally no savings but that's something we can openly talk about without her getting annoyed which I'm thankful for.

Regarding the weight issue, in fairness to her, she is trying at least to lose weight through exercise and she tries to eat healthy but she over eats and she's just a complete novice about exercise and won't accept any advice as she's very insecure about her weight and takes it as a personal attack. Which is fair and I know how hard it is to lose weight as I've done it myself but she has no interest in my insights at all which largely stems from her insecurities which can be difficult to deal with.

Regarding Yellowlead's comment - She would classify herself as 'High Maintenance' which I had never heard before and had to look it up. In that respect, yes she is hard work and I've asked her why she's interested in me before and she said I'm her perfect guy who ticks all the boxes and makes her feel safe. I'm sorry if I'm making her sound heartless but she's a very kind and good natured person and that's one of the main reasons why I like her, she makes me happy but the problems outlined still remain. I wouldn't call her lazy or unmotivated she just has little interest in the jobs she does at the moment but has spoken about wanting to get involved in education which is good. However, what worries me about her tendency to take a day off if she's having a bad day is long term, if we have a kid or buy a house or life just gets hard, there's no taking a day off from that and I'm worried she'll go missing when she really can't. There's no denying she is incredibly sensitive, to the point that is almost child like and that worries me a lot in terms of how she's going to deal with life.

Thanks again all for the comments, Someone mentioned earlier it's very early and you are right, the long term talks we have is very premature. I guess posting here is stemming from not wanting to waste her or my time. She's previously said how devastated she would be if we broke up which adds extra pressure but I don't want to be in a situation 2 years down the line when we decide to part ways and it realistically could have been ended earlier.

qwerty13 · 15-06-2021 6:15pm

Does she live with her parents and give them no money? I think she must - otherwise she couldn’t survive doing days here and there whenever she feels like it. The reason I’m curious is that she seems to have a very poor attitude to money. Either very entitled, or very childish - as in not thinking of the practical side about money, and expecting someone else (her parents, and now you) to provide her with what she needs and wants. The ‘wanting a palace’ would be quite concerning to me. You know that she expects you to pay for most if not all of that. And I think it’s very clear that she doesn’t want to be out in the workplace. I think it’s pretty likely that if you stay with her, you’ll end up funding the life that she’d like to live.

And the above is on top of her other childish behaviour, being ‘sensitive’ (or is that sulking until she gets her way?).

I don’t think this has a future OP - it’s not a relationship between 2 fully formed adults. She’s very immature, and her approach to life seems to be the opposite to yours.

PS: I only saw this now “expects me to buy her things without outright telling me or even dropping hints and gets annoyed when I don't get anything.” Ah OP. We’re gone full-on into trophy wife carry on here. So you have to buy a palace in the future, pay for everything now (and undoubtedly in the future), and ‘surprise’ her with something else that you bought. And when you ‘fail’ in that task, you get a bollicking. She might want to listen to you about the covid stone, otherwise she won’t make the cut to be some rich dude’s 1950s kept woman.

Goodigal · 15-06-2021 6:22pm

OP, you sound like a lovely guy. You're very self aware despite not having had a proper relationship before. But you and this girl are not meant to be. She wants a palace but can't work a full week. You pay for things when you are out on dates. You tick all her boxes but does she tick yours? You're trying to change how you act around someone in the first few months of being together. You shouldn't have to. These are supposed to be the fun times. The boring bits come later!!

Let her go and find someone who allows you to be you. And is your match.

Sparkey84 · 15-06-2021 6:29pm

chalk it down to experience and move on. a poor work ethic is not something people just grow out of. a lot of red flags there.

bottlebrush · 15-06-2021 6:30pm

Hi op. I'm not sure how someone you now describe as good natured 'never makes an attempt to pay for things and takes it for granted that I'll pay and expects me to buy her things without outright telling me or even dropping hints and gets annoyed when I don't get anything'

The 'high maintenance' bit would also concern me

In your latest post you are attempting to justify her behaviours and seem happy to take the blame and shoulder the responsibility for this relationship working out and maybe you are asking posters here to tell you that's alright?

You are still young and denying yourself opportunities to meet other girls, girls with similar values to yourself, relationships where you will be appreciated and valued for who you are.

If you didn't feel somethings were 'off' about this relationship you wouldn't have posted in the first place. Trust your gut.

.

15-06-2021 6:37pm

OP, one thing we all learn about relationships eventually, is that we can wish all we want but it doesn't make it so.
So, you wish your girlfriend would just be a little bit different in these tiny areas and everything would be great? But she isnt, and she won't be. And what she is is what she is.

I don't think you sound very well suited, partners can be different in many ways, but the basics in life need to be the same. Same work ethnic, same way of thinking about life you know? It may be time to move on.

AckwelFoley · 15-06-2021 6:39pm

This is simple enough

Get rid of her. It doesn't get any better.

Relationships get more complicated not easier.

10 years down the road you've got a mortgage and 3 kids, is she still crying at dead flies while you're up to you knee's in kids snot and mortgage repayments

I wasted 8 years of my life with a woman I knoew I'd never marry

I met my wife and knew after a month I'd marry her

It's not roses by a long shot, but when you know you know, you won't have to get advise on it.

Drop her. Be polite in how you do it so you don't regret it. But move on

bitofabind · 15-06-2021 6:57pm

Let's cut this down to brass tacks. She's emotionally immature, you're quite level headed. She's overweight and unfit, you take care of yourself and your health/fitness. She's got no career ambition, you've worked hard to climb the ladder and do well for yourself. She pays for nothing, you pay for everything.

There's of course more to relationships than that, but the spark and connection that usually binds a couple together through these types of incompatibilities is non-existent - you can't even be yourself around her. This is more like a babysitting service than a relationship for you. She gets everything, you get nothing. Why is that acceptable?

Maybe your lack of relationship experience is standing in the way here, but let me tell you - at 28 and with all of these traits, you've got plenty of options. You can have someone that wants to work towards a great life WITH you, someone that is level-headed too, someone self-sufficient who doesn't want you to pay her way and someone you're very attracted to to boot. That's not some unicorn, that's a basic standard for most of us. She won't change and you won't change. I'd advise calling this what it is now and doing the right thing for yourself.

15-06-2021 7:02pm

OP, thank her and move on. We all know women like her, they are sponges. She will dry you out, and not in a hot Las Vegas way

LegacyUser · 15-06-2021 7:14pm

Hi All,

Thanks again for your comments.

In response to some posters, her parents are divorced but she lives with her mom and pays rent to her. She does the odd job every week to have just enough to pay rent and buy groceries and transport and anything left over is spent on something like lunch in town which I would like if she put away in a savings account but make no mistake, she is broke at the end of every week. To be honest I don't know how she survives each week living like that, I wouldn't be able to deal with the stress. I live with my parents but I have a well paid job and have always saved money with the goal of owning a house and to cover expenses for a few months in case I lose my job or if anything happens to my family where a big expense is on the horizon, I'm safe in the knowledge I have savings to fall back on.

She does indeed have an idealised version of what her future home/life will look like that's really not based on reality. I'll send her links of 3 bed semi d's in nice enough area's of Dublin on Daft that are a reasonable price that is possible to buy one day and she'll generally dismiss them pretty quick. She did mention as well if she had kids she would want to look after them and then return to work but based on her current work ethic, I'd be worried she would never want to go back to work and expect me to slave away while she gets a free ride.

And yes as I've said she is very sensitive but not in a sulking way, more she gets very easily offended over very small or trivial things. There are times when i fell like I'm looking after a child by how she acts and wish she could take a bit of constructive feedback without getting upset and realise I'm not saying things to hurt her but only ever want to help her.

Regarding Goodigal - Thank you for your kind words, I'm very aware that I'm not normal in terms of my dating experience for my age and I try to make up for that by avoiding the pitfalls I've seen my friends go through with regards to dating where they have been 100% at fault but its hard to shake the feeling that I go to extra effort as a consequence and it doesn't really get appreciated.

Dos she tick my boxes? I would say yes but not totally, I'm very much an easy going person, I just wanted a partner who likes me and will help me out in life who I can be myself around and share everything with who wants an easy life and who dislikes drama and arguments as I have very little energy for fighting with people in my personal life. We both like each other and she is there emotionally for me, she went to a funeral of my relative with me which I greatly appreciated. However, I don't feel like I can let loose around her and I don't share everything with her because I know she'll get upset about something.

Regarding Bottlebrush - Regarding paying for dates, I'm aware of her cash problems so I don't mind a whole lot paying for meals and such but she does take it for granted based on her behaviour which does bother me a bit. Her admitting to being high maintenance was a concern for me after looking up what it meant and I understand your point about my previous post justifying her behaviour and maybe that is the case here. She does make me happy but in between bouts of her getting annoyed and me feeling like I'm always at fault and ending up with egg on my face to make her happy.

We've never had a real serious argument mainly down to the fact I don't try and argue with her. She's had a go at me a few times and I've never bit back and will always try and understand why she's upset and it'll get resolved then and there. One time after she calmed down from getting upset over something I said, I did mention her acting like this is pushing me away and she said she's trying to get help for her behaviour (i.e. going to a therapist) but nonetheless in spite of that the main problems still remain under the surface. A point I mentioned previously about her parents getting divorced, that had a huge impact on her and I think that stems to why she can act the way she does sometimes.

Meeoow · 15-06-2021 7:16pm

Sounds like you're not compatible. You seem scared to finish with her cause you think you won't meet anyone else. That is not fair on either of you.
I used to work with a girl who was into The Rules, an auld fashioned book about dating. Crap about letting the man pay for dates and stuff. Needless to say, she is still single.
You sound like a good enough catch, you like a joke, you look after yourself, you have a career and are saving for a house. You'll be grand.

15-06-2021 7:39pm

At 27 she’s done most of her growing up OP and there are enough red flags there to suggest you should get out now - a clean break, no drama - and move onto someone new. Over your dating life you’ll realise you meet lots of ‘nice’ or ‘grand’ people who are pleasant and that you get along with, and you won’t date all of them. Longevity in relationships is made up of many things, a lot of which you two don’t sound on the same page about.

spaceHopper · 15-06-2021 7:58pm

She's 27 not 13 she is what she is and at this stage she's not going to change. Do you see yourself with her in 5 years. Stop defending her and look at it from a 3rd person's prospective would they put up with the person you've described

derb12 · 15-06-2021 8:08pm

If she decided to dump you tomorrow, how would you feel?
My guess is “relieved” and possibly “liberated”?
You never mentioned the word love either. Maybe as a lad you don’t want to go there on a forum like this, but ask yourself … as Maria Kondo might say “does she spark joy?”

Dog day · 15-06-2021 8:23pm

Hi OP, I’m on exactly the same page as all the other posters here. Also I find it very telling that your GF classifies herself as ‘High Maintenance’ in doing so she was telling you who she is & now she’s showing you with her actions. Your gut is screaming at you that this is an incompatible relationship. Wishing you the best of luck.

Idle Passerby · 15-06-2021 8:43pm

Without knowing either of you from Adam this is the picture I get from your post: You felt insecure about your lack of experience and jumped at the chance to have a girlfriend when someone half decent cane along, nothing wrong with that. She sounds like someone who not many would want to hitch their wagon to long term. She's with you because she thinks your a soft touch who will put up with her out of insecurity.

It's got to the stage now where the shine has worn off and your only a few months in. That's not a good sign.

Look at it this way, you have some experience now so you won't have that mental block about being a beginner when you next start dating. This has run its course. Your better informed now about what you do and don't want in a partner. A good relationship doesn't go south this early on.

bottlebrush · 15-06-2021 8:44pm

OP the following bit of your last post stood out for me:
"She does make me happy but in between bouts of her getting annoyed and me feeling like I'm always at fault and ending up with egg on my face to make her happy"

It's like the old fable of the man beating his thumb to a pulp with a hammer and when asked why he did it, he replied 'because it feels good when I stop'.

You're not together a year and it's this difficult already. This girl's issues may stem from past events but its not your job to fix them. She needs professional help but it's way too much for you to take on at this early stage.

fits · 15-06-2021 8:50pm

For a relationship to work long term it helps to have similar values and outlook on life. Spark needs to be there but your lives need to be compatible too. I can’t really see any sign in your post of real long term potential. And you have your head screwed on. You’ll be grand.

15-06-2021 9:19pm

Fmreidman wrote: »

Regarding changing who I am, anytime she gets upset is largely around a silly comment I'll make that's meant as a joke or providing a solution to a problem she has which she'll ask my advice on which she takes the wrong way even though I would never intentionally hurt her. I haven't drastically changed myself as a person but I'm a jester by nature and sometimes she takes it the wrong way. She has gotten a lot better at telling me as she used to just pretend everything was fine and stay silent but has thankfully improved drastically on that.

ah here, anyone who's first reaction is to find offence is someone who is too much work.

You sound like you are letting your insecurities keep you in a relationship you know isn't really for you. fwiw, I know plenty of "nice" guys like you who settled and yeah, I'd say everyone of them would advise you to walk now and find someone you can be yourself with.

YellowLead · 15-06-2021 9:35pm

OP every time you post you seem to be pointing out flaws which would be deal breakers for most, but then saying sure I get on with her some of the time and she is there for me emotionally.

There are loads of women who you will get along with, who will support you WITHOUT you having to walk on eggshells or deal with high maintenance behaviour- with a similar work ethic.

You are young, smart, prob have a good sense of humour. Don’t tie yourself to this lazy drama queen just because she is sometimes nice to you.

You will be doing her a favor by breaking up, maybe it’s the reality shock she needs to cop herself on. Though she’ll prob find some other chump without much confidence or experience with women to buy her a house and pander to her whims.

Dial Hard · 15-06-2021 10:53pm

What are you *actually* getting out of this relationship, OP? Other than a girlfriend, like. And that is a 100% genuine question.

leggo · 15-06-2021 11:02pm

Another question worth asking is: if you had never met your partner before and I asked you to choose between her with all the things you now know to be true and someone else you fancy the hole off, who works hard and is into fitness, wants similar things to you etc…which one would you go for?

I think we both know the answer there. And that is your answer.

Widdensushi · 15-06-2021 11:22pm

Even if she was your ideal woman, many struggle to stay with their first partner as they need to, "sow their wild oats" I don't need to reiterate the other points made, you need to move on, unfortunately it will have to be sudden, if she gets an inkling she may accidentally fall pregnant, you need to be decisive and show resolve after.

Yellow pack crisps · 15-06-2021 11:36pm

It’s controlling behavior on her part and it’s working. Let her get help. You aren’t her saviour. If you think it’s bad now, wait until you’re legally bound.

LegacyUser · 16-06-2021 12:20am

Hi All,

Thanks for the messages. There's a fair few comments so apologies if I don't address everything.

Regarding me being insecure, this is true and the 100% honest reality. I haven't had a lot of female interaction throughout my life, I was a virgin up until 27 and generally avoided dating and sex all my life due to general insecurity. I've always been shy and never really had great confidence with women growing up and in my early and mid 20's. Thankfully other parts of my life went pretty well with regards to jobs, health, friends, general happiness so I never felt like I was a total lost cause. I guess I feel very loved by my current GF which is something I've never experienced before but despite that, I do hate the idea I'm just some mug she's using and as I've previously stated, she's been in a lot of relationships and we discussed her most recent ex long term boyfriend before and he was the total opposite to myself which made me question her even more in my own head. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs, have a career and try and help those most important to me. In contrast her old boyfriend was in her words, someone who dabbled in all vices you could think of to the point he was addicted to some, had no job and was an all round selfish guy who didn't look after her. Again that's all her words, I never met him so I can't pass judgement but based on that, me and him are totally different guys.

Regarding what I want out of a relationship, I want a long term partner who I can experience life with, be myself around and possibly have one or two kids with. The reason I hold out hope for her changing is due to the fact she underwent a big transformation last year. In hopes of keeping this anonymous I won't mention what it was specifically but she had a problem with a substance which she sought out help to remove from her life and has stayed away from it for well over a year and a half now. This was a huge change in her life that I'm very proud she was able to do and it forced her to leave a lot of bad people and bad habits behind (including her old boyfriend). That's what gives me hope she can change her behavior as she has made drastic changes before. However, in saying that, she has mentioned that she originally took the substance to deal with her problems in life and it blunted her emotions. Now she's no longer taking the stuff and her emotions are slightly all over the place and as stated she can get upset over the smallest thing.

The unanimous message from everyone on here is I should leave her which I totally understand. I'm surprised that everyone is coming to my defense here as when I first posted this I expected to be given a lot of constructive criticism about how daft I am which honestly I feel like I'm too blame for these problems we're having which seems strange but for whatever reason that's how I feel. She always says how much I mean to her, she got me a really nice birthday present which I really liked and I don't know if she thinks there are any ongoing problems, we've discussed these issues and tried to do better together but she still will get upset every now and then and sometimes I think her emotions get the best of her and she doesn't remember acting that way when she looks back with a clear head.

I realize I'm falling into the trap of defending her again but I still hold out hope that she can mend her ways. I feel as if a ultimatum and uncomfortable talk will be on the cards soon enough if she has another tantrum as everyone is right, it can't stay like this unless she makes an effort like I have been for the last 6 months.

Doubts about GF

Comments